“Rori, I have your Commitment Blueprint, and I’m working on the steps. In the midst of changing myself and picturing my man leading me across the bridge to the relationship I desire; he tells me he doesn’t want to lose my friendship. Ever. Then he reveals he is seeing someone else. Becoming exclusive with them.
I had been living in the imaginary relationship. Taking the crumbs of good and ignoring the bad. I changed. Stopped contacting him. Stopped being sweet to him. Started seeing other guys. Told him I had friends and I didn’t need him, a guy friend. Completely cut off contact. I’m even trying to see him as a “Muse” who is guiding me and helping me.
However, part of me wants to fall into old patterns. I want to tell him how I feel, in the hopes that it will enlighten him and he will realize he cares for me, too. I want to accept the “just friends” relationship because I believe the relationship he is in will fail and I want to be near by when it does. It physically hurt, how much I missed him. I was finding my purpose and dating and being busy but he was in my mind.
So, I emailed him. I said “I miss you.”
He said, ” as you should,” and now I’ve asked him if we could talk.
So, Rori, what have I done? What do I do? I want to be honest and tell him how I feel, and still practice all the steps to finding the relationship I want. But, I also want to have him in my life. I miss him. The relationship was not what I wanted but it was something.
From the moment I met him I feel like he is the one for me. We clicked like I’ve never clicked with a man before. Do I tell him that I wanted more, and if he can’t give it I accept him and move on? Or do I keep it to myself and keep working on me, and wait to see if he comes back around?
Your Commitment Blueprint is wonderful and I will continue to follow the advice. I’ve downloaded Christian Carter’s information in the past, as well. Thank you so much for your guidance, thus far.
I feel confident. Sandra”
Here’s my immediate response:
Sandra, Welcome, and as all the wonderful women on this site will tell you – go back to what you were doing. No contact – Do Circular Dating – focus on your POP and yourself and new men and new experiences. Drop him like a cold potato.
It doesn’t MATTER what YOU feel – it only matters what HE feels in terms of what’s possible between you. HE has to miss YOU. That means you have to be outta there. If he changes his mind, he’ll find you – but don’t even hold your breath.
The “click” you felt was most likely the “click” of a TOXIC relationship pattern you feel comfortable in.
For most of us – “safe” and “click” mean that we’re IN our Comfort Zones – and for most of us – our Comfort Zones are truly TOXIC. We do NOT want to STAY inside there.
We do NOT want to live our lives inside our Comfort Zones. And yet – as you say, as you feel, and I hear your pain and frustration – we DO want to live there.
The pull to live within our Comfort Zones forever is so strong that the moment we venture outside we tend to on-purpose clobber ourselves until we run back in for protection.
Inside our Comfort Zones – all decorated with the feelings we have of “he’s the one for me” – we can stay safe within our comfortable, familiar misery.
The ONLY thing that makes ANY difference – that means ANYTHING – is HOW MUCH ENERGY HE WANTS TO GIVE TO YOU.
If he labels it “friends” – then that’s what it is. If he labels it “I like you,” or “You’re sexy, I want to spend the night with you” – then that’s all it is.
It’s UNMISTAKABLE when a man’s energy is coming towards you. He calls, he listens, he tries hard to get near you.
And the ONLY way he can DO that is if YOU’RE FAR ENOUGH AWAY FROM HIM for him to make that effort.
This is the brutal situation the book “He’s Just Not That Into You” – (and the movie too, hopefully, which comes out soon) – is all about.
You CANNOT make a man be more “into you” by talking to him about it, by wanting him, by missing him, by “being honest with him” about the way you FEEL for him – not in this way.
You cannot take Step Three of the Commitment Blueprint 7 Steps – which is being “an Invitation” – by CALLING HIM, or REACHING OUT TO HIM – or ANY Leaning Forward energy. This is “Rori Raye Language” – so I have to basically reframe some familiar words and concepts so you can experience them differently – in a Leaned Back way.
By making a REQUEST for his company (“Can we talk,” “I miss you”) BEFORE he contacts YOU – You will simply be literally “mailing” him an invitation to friendship or friendship and sex – but until HE makes a move toward YOU – you are NOT an Invitation.
An Invitation is an OPEN, “inviting” thing. It draws a man in by its mystery and sense of promise. It’s a “lure.” An Invitation, in Rori Raye language, is not a “Request” for his company. It’s an Invitation to more amazing, fantastic, thrilling stuff, the stuff that you ARE – should he show up.
I know I make that clear in the Blueprint – but I want to use the imagery here to help you get that into your body.
So, Sandra, and for all of us (me, too – I have to remind myself at all times) there is no such thing as “relationship” and “marriage” without some romance and passion. Otherwise it’s just “friends.” And this is the case even if there are some sexual problems involved – health issues, all kinds of problems.
Even THEN, you can FEEL the sense of romance and passion and the ENERGY coming from a man.
So – look for this energy coming at you. Do NOT look for or believe in a “click.”
I loved this little picture of the “fairy” – it demonstrates for me the BEAUTY of fantasy – and of an Imaginary Relationship. If you KNOW it’s “Imaginary” – let’s say a fling with a major-watt movie star – then you can ENJOY it. That’s what Circular Dating is all about – enjoying men and being with men, and enjoying YOURSELF when you’re in the PRESENCE of a man.
But if we live like this little fairy – trying to turn everything lovely and imaginary into something real and concrete – we will always feel disappointed, hurt and angry – and we will always try to repair the vision when it collapses.
Sandra – please don’t even try. Let him do the heavy lifting. If you continue to do what you were doing – REALLY get out there and focus on how you can ramp up your LIFE – sooner or later he will cross your path, notice the difference in you – and then we’ll see what happens.
But by trying to reach out to him now – you are showing YOURSELF that nothing’s changed inside you. That you made a feeble attempt at getting a life, but, really – it was ALL ABOUT HIM.
And I do not WANT you to be ALL ABOUT HIM. I want you to be all about YOU.
In my Modern Siren, and soon my new Targeting Mr. Right programs, you’ll see how this idea of being the CENTER of your life, and the CENTER of a wheel, a “Target” with men all around you, trying to get to you – is the vision you want to keep in your head, your heart, your energy field, your body.
If you’re in the Center, and you’re so fully occupied with all the Energy, from all the men everywhere who are stationed AROUND YOU – trying to get to you (and yes, they ARE) – there’s NO WAY you can be moving from your Center to reach out and try to get to ANY MAN.
Let me know how this lands for you, and I’ll keep talking about this (I can feel my own energy welling up around this issue…)