Comments on: Stuck With A Confused Man And Nowhere To Live http://blog.havetherelationshipyouwant.com/attraction/stuck-with-a-confused-man-and-nowhere-to-live/ Marriage & Relationship Advice From Rori Raye Thu, 11 Mar 2010 07:58:34 +0000 hourly 1 By: Rori Raye http://blog.havetherelationshipyouwant.com/attraction/stuck-with-a-confused-man-and-nowhere-to-live/comment-page-1/#comment-15767 Rori Raye Mon, 14 Sep 2009 23:21:15 +0000 http://blog.havetherelationshipyouwant.com/?p=474#comment-15767 Uschi, I encourage women to be flexible on this...but it requires a WOMAN to be financially stable. And to just listen to themselves. If your mind wants this to be "okay" - but it doesn't "feel" good (not "right" - sometimes what feels right is wrong for us)...but GOOD - then this kind of thing isn't for you. Love, Rori Uschi, I encourage women to be flexible on this…but it requires a WOMAN to be financially stable. And to just listen to themselves. If your mind wants this to be “okay” – but it doesn’t “feel” good (not “right” – sometimes what feels right is wrong for us)…but GOOD – then this kind of thing isn’t for you. Love, Rori

]]> By: Uschi http://blog.havetherelationshipyouwant.com/attraction/stuck-with-a-confused-man-and-nowhere-to-live/comment-page-1/#comment-15743 Uschi Mon, 14 Sep 2009 16:51:37 +0000 http://blog.havetherelationshipyouwant.com/?p=474#comment-15743 I have a comment to the following from apparently an earlier post at http://blog.havetherelationshipyouwant.com/attraction/equality-entitlement-conscious-creation-and-the-mystery-of-love/ Where do you stand on financial stability? Is it a non-negotiable on your list, or would you be happy with a fabulous man like Jason (and he IS fabulous - go look at his picture on the links and read what he writes) who is more spiritual/emotional/contribution-based than money-based? What’s important to YOU? I encourage many women to throw out their idea of “success” in a man…and to find out what’s really important and necessary. How do you feel about all this? To this I say: It is just as easy to love a rich man as you can a poor man if you fall in love with a man. That being said, I feel it is important for a man to provide as best he can to make him feel good and masculine, however that has nothing to do with being rich or poor. What the man brings to the relationship is very if not the most important, I have known many couples who struggled with money but their core was love and being together and they worked things out together as best as they could. Important to me is that the man is there for me when I need him, respects me for who I am and what I am and as a woman and excepts me as I am with all my faults etc. Equality to me is doing the same for him. Very basic. Any comments on this? Uschi I have a comment to the following from apparently an earlier post at http://blog.havetherelationshipyouwant.com/attraction/equality-entitlement-conscious-creation-and-the-mystery-of-love/

Where do you stand on financial stability? Is it a non-negotiable on your list, or would you be happy with a fabulous man like Jason (and he IS fabulous – go look at his picture on the links and read what he writes) who is more spiritual/emotional/contribution-based than money-based? What’s important to YOU?
I encourage many women to throw out their idea of “success” in a man…and to find out what’s really important and necessary. How do you feel about all this?

To this I say:

It is just as easy to love a rich man as you can a poor man if you fall in love with a man. That being said, I feel it is important for a man to provide as best he can to make him feel good and masculine, however that has nothing to do with being rich or poor. What the man brings to the relationship is very if not the most important, I have known many couples who struggled with money but their core was love and being together and they worked things out together as best as they could.
Important to me is that the man is there for me when I need him, respects me for who I am and what I am and as a woman and excepts me as I am with all my faults etc. Equality to me is doing the same for him.
Very basic.

Any comments on this?

Uschi

]]> By: Uschi http://blog.havetherelationshipyouwant.com/attraction/stuck-with-a-confused-man-and-nowhere-to-live/comment-page-1/#comment-15734 Uschi Mon, 14 Sep 2009 02:58:44 +0000 http://blog.havetherelationshipyouwant.com/?p=474#comment-15734 Hi Flipper, believe you me after my mother died and even before that I had some imaginary conversations with her were I cussed her out up one side and down the other. That didn't work, after she died I found out some stuff where she had lied to me and I did the same thing cussed her out up one side and down the other and then I felt guilty cause supposedly you are not to say anything bad about or to a dead person. That didn't work either and a few years later I kind of came to the understanding that she really didn't know any better, after all she was a product of her generation too and at the age of 12 had Polio which of course didn't make her life any easier and she projected her strong will onto me and expected me to be just as strong. They told her she'd never walk again after being in the iron lung and 2 years later she walked with crutch but she walked and she went back to her old class jumping two years and caught up to all of it and got her graduation too and that during WWII. I rebelled for many years to the point that I finally ran away to get married. I think I got married to get away from her cause she was overbearing, wanted me to live with her and take care of her during her old age not considering that I wanted a life too. Amazingly enough after I left she found friends to go out with, take her to the doctor etc etc and one time when I was visiting her doc who made house visits wanted to force me to bring her to the practice the next day but I already had plans to go back to my finance and had train tickets and everything planed. I told the doc that if my mother had friends to take her to the park and cafe's etc they can bring her to the docs office too. Well my mother couldn't believe I said that and even before that tried to emotionally blackmail me to come back home and live with her calling it my moral duty to take care of her. Going through all the old letters and everything and being a mom myself 3 times over with 5 grandkids now I realize now she in her own way tried to do what she thought was best even if it was very selfish on her part. I am in some way though still rebelling, yet at the same time liking some of my upbringing with morals and discipline though that last part I am missing to a great extend cause I never really do what I ought to do cause I just don't feel like it often times. I am German and was brought up that way and would you believe I had to write thank you letters even for gifts I didn't like etc I even learned to curtsy and can still do it. Respect for elders I had to show even though some really didn't deserve it LOL and still today I know they didn't deserve it. In any case I was forced to doing things I didn't want to do, wasn't allowed to have friends in school they were all beneath me according to my mom and always being told to reach for better and higher and money and a husband who was well off etc etc - what about love? The little girl (me) always though of herself back then as bad cause even then I wanted to go my own way, have my own way and many times rebelled against things that I felt were not needed. School was the same way, I never learned poems by heart cause I knew I never needed them in life so I just didn't learn them, math I knew I didn't need more than the basics, history - what for? who cares if that kind soandso had a war with baron soandso for what ever reason. I didn't care I had other things in mind for myself but was not allowed to do them. I think differently about that today but still some of it I still feel that way. Wanted to be a horseback riding teacher and compete in horse-show jumping, wasn't allowed to do that cause my mom said her daughter was to good to muck out stables and she didn't have me under pain and 9 month pregnancy etc etc etc etc etc for her then to muck out stables. Talk about guild tripping you kid - well I understand that now in a way and though it still at times bothers me I have left it behind in a way kind of threw it away. I had to go to secretary school was forced to it was a 2 year school and I had to repeat each class and was 4 years for me and I hated it every moment of it so I hooked school a lot and I mean a lot and spend time at the riding club. Of course I am a bad girl and the black sheep of the family ha ha ha Some things I grew up with are really worth having and todays children are missing that and the values of it but living here in the US a lot of ppl just don't understand that either so its like I am running into a brick wall and getting bumps on my head doing so and so I have adjusted yet in the back of my mind all that stuff is still there and some of it at least to me has value. Like using and reusing things and being frugal and saving things for future reuse. Thats where a lot of times Dave also doest understand me, and yet if he needs something and I have it he is glad not having to spend the money and I tease him and say - hey thats the stuff you are bitching about. For example I cut zippers out of pants that have a rip in it and use it on pants that need a zipper. To him the time I spend sewing that is time I could spend making money in a job - as long as I don't have a job I might as well do that - wrong? To some part I think it is a cultural difference and it needs to be talked about and understood. Yet basically we are all men and women and we need to somehow get what we need especially when it comes to love. Are all those above mentioned things stumbling blocks? I don't think so cause the love I have for him has nothing to with all that. Hi Flipper,
believe you me after my mother died and even before that I had some imaginary conversations with her were I cussed her out up one side and down the other. That didn’t work, after she died I found out some stuff where she had lied to me and I did the same thing cussed her out up one side and down the other and then I felt guilty cause supposedly you are not to say anything bad about or to a dead person. That didn’t work either and a few years later I kind of came to the understanding that she really didn’t know any better, after all she was a product of her generation too and at the age of 12 had Polio which of course didn’t make her life any easier and she projected her strong will onto me and expected me to be just as strong. They told her she’d never walk again after being in the iron lung and 2 years later she walked with crutch but she walked and she went back to her old class jumping two years and caught up to all of it and got her graduation too and that during WWII. I rebelled for many years to the point that I finally ran away to get married. I think I got married to get away from her cause she was overbearing, wanted me to live with her and take care of her during her old age not considering that I wanted a life too. Amazingly enough after I left she found friends to go out with, take her to the doctor etc etc and one time when I was visiting her doc who made house visits wanted to force me to bring her to the practice the next day but I already had plans to go back to my finance and had train tickets and everything planed. I told the doc that if my mother had friends to take her to the park and cafe’s etc they can bring her to the docs office too. Well my mother couldn’t believe I said that and even before that tried to emotionally blackmail me to come back home and live with her calling it my moral duty to take care of her. Going through all the old letters and everything and being a mom myself 3 times over with 5 grandkids now I realize now she in her own way tried to do what she thought was best even if it was very selfish on her part. I am in some way though still rebelling, yet at the same time liking some of my upbringing with morals and discipline though that last part I am missing to a great extend cause I never really do what I ought to do cause I just don’t feel like it often times. I am German and was brought up that way and would you believe I had to write thank you letters even for gifts I didn’t like etc I even learned to curtsy and can still do it. Respect for elders I had to show even though some really didn’t deserve it LOL and still today I know they didn’t deserve it. In any case I was forced to doing things I didn’t want to do, wasn’t allowed to have friends in school they were all beneath me according to my mom and always being told to reach for better and higher and money and a husband who was well off etc etc – what about love?
The little girl (me) always though of herself back then as bad cause even then I wanted to go my own way, have my own way and many times rebelled against things that I felt were not needed. School was the same way, I never learned poems by heart cause I knew I never needed them in life so I just didn’t learn them, math I knew I didn’t need more than the basics, history – what for? who cares if that kind soandso had a war with baron soandso for what ever reason. I didn’t care I had other things in mind for myself but was not allowed to do them. I think differently about that today but still some of it I still feel that way. Wanted to be a horseback riding teacher and compete in horse-show jumping, wasn’t allowed to do that cause my mom said her daughter was to good to muck out stables and she didn’t have me under pain and 9 month pregnancy etc etc etc etc etc for her then to muck out stables. Talk about guild tripping you kid – well I understand that now in a way and though it still at times bothers me I have left it behind in a way kind of threw it away. I had to go to secretary school was forced to it was a 2 year school and I had to repeat each class and was 4 years for me and I hated it every moment of it so I hooked school a lot and I mean a lot and spend time at the riding club. Of course I am a bad girl and the black sheep of the family ha ha ha
Some things I grew up with are really worth having and todays children are missing that and the values of it but living here in the US a lot of ppl just don’t understand that either so its like I am running into a brick wall and getting bumps on my head doing so and so I have adjusted yet in the back of my mind all that stuff is still there and some of it at least to me has value. Like using and reusing things and being frugal and saving things for future reuse. Thats where a lot of times Dave also doest understand me, and yet if he needs something and I have it he is glad not having to spend the money and I tease him and say – hey thats the stuff you are bitching about. For example I cut zippers out of pants that have a rip in it and use it on pants that need a zipper. To him the time I spend sewing that is time I could spend making money in a job – as long as I don’t have a job I might as well do that – wrong? To some part I think it is a cultural difference and it needs to be talked about and understood. Yet basically we are all men and women and we need to somehow get what we need especially when it comes to love.
Are all those above mentioned things stumbling blocks? I don’t think so cause the love I have for him has nothing to with all that.

]]> By: Flipper http://blog.havetherelationshipyouwant.com/attraction/stuck-with-a-confused-man-and-nowhere-to-live/comment-page-1/#comment-15730 Flipper Mon, 14 Sep 2009 01:01:33 +0000 http://blog.havetherelationshipyouwant.com/?p=474#comment-15730 Dear Uschi - all that is definitely still with you, IS part of you. So rather than vainly try to get rid of it, it's accepting and loving that bad stuff, those wretched, painful memories and feelings, that help us heal. Ask yourself what that poor little girl needed when she wore that expression, then imagine yourself giving that to her in a kind, respectful, loving manner. In the same way, inside ourselves, we can have an adult conversation with our late mother (or anyone else, living or dead, that played such an important role for us) telling them what we thought and how we felt at that time when we were powerless to express it or to take care of anything (so confused, abandoned, humiliated, unloved, unworthy etc). Then we can also put the words in their mouths and recreate the gestures that we needed to hear and feel from those people. Sometimes we make some realisations that our child self couldn't seize that help us to better understand and accept what happened. All this doesn't necesssarily make the hurt go completely away, but can make it easier to live with, so that it's no longer controlling so much of our present lives. Dear Uschi – all that is definitely still with you, IS part of you. So rather than vainly try to get rid of it, it’s accepting and loving that bad stuff, those wretched, painful memories and feelings, that help us heal. Ask yourself what that poor little girl needed when she wore that expression, then imagine yourself giving that to her in a kind, respectful, loving manner. In the same way, inside ourselves, we can have an adult conversation with our late mother (or anyone else, living or dead, that played such an important role for us) telling them what we thought and how we felt at that time when we were powerless to express it or to take care of anything (so confused, abandoned, humiliated, unloved, unworthy etc). Then we can also put the words in their mouths and recreate the gestures that we needed to hear and feel from those people. Sometimes we make some realisations that our child self couldn’t seize that help us to better understand and accept what happened. All this doesn’t necesssarily make the hurt go completely away, but can make it easier to live with, so that it’s no longer controlling so much of our present lives.

]]> By: Uschi http://blog.havetherelationshipyouwant.com/attraction/stuck-with-a-confused-man-and-nowhere-to-live/comment-page-1/#comment-15702 Uschi Sun, 13 Sep 2009 04:38:14 +0000 http://blog.havetherelationshipyouwant.com/?p=474#comment-15702 reading some of the comments here and memories of some ppl I remember when I was a child when I saw myself in my mind is wasn't a pretty sight kind of unhappy, knotted up facial expression and the curly reddish hair that I hated. Maybe some of that is still sub consciously with me - can one ever get rid of that ? Also all the negative messaging I got from my mom that is still with me to a great extend even though she's been dead now for 22 yrs. How does one get rid of that. It follows you everywhere and for the rest of your life reading some of the comments here and memories of some ppl I remember when I was a child when I saw myself in my mind is wasn’t a pretty sight kind of unhappy, knotted up facial expression and the curly reddish hair that I hated. Maybe some of that is still sub consciously with me – can one ever get rid of that ? Also all the negative messaging I got from my mom that is still with me to a great extend even though she’s been dead now for 22 yrs. How does one get rid of that. It follows you everywhere and for the rest of your life

]]> By: Rori Raye http://blog.havetherelationshipyouwant.com/attraction/stuck-with-a-confused-man-and-nowhere-to-live/comment-page-1/#comment-10651 Rori Raye Tue, 09 Jun 2009 18:59:58 +0000 http://blog.havetherelationshipyouwant.com/?p=474#comment-10651 Anne - Welcome - and this is a job for Circular Dating. You don't have to dump him to date other men. PEriod. Don't do it as revenge, or to "even things out" Just do it because it's the ONLY thing that makes common sense! Date until Claimed. That's it. Love, Rori Anne – Welcome – and this is a job for Circular Dating. You don’t have to dump him to date other men. PEriod. Don’t do it as revenge, or to “even things out” Just do it because it’s the ONLY thing that makes common sense! Date until Claimed. That’s it. Love, Rori

]]> By: Anne http://blog.havetherelationshipyouwant.com/attraction/stuck-with-a-confused-man-and-nowhere-to-live/comment-page-1/#comment-10648 Anne Tue, 09 Jun 2009 18:52:41 +0000 http://blog.havetherelationshipyouwant.com/?p=474#comment-10648 Hi, I just want to tell u, u are great.. I have a boyfriend right now.. He used to be my high school classmate back then.he works as a seaman ( crewman) in a LPG carrier. they go to alot of port.so its really a long distance relationship..but my problem is.. he had a gf who is in UK.they really didnt get the chance too to spend time together that much. then he broke up with her due to his reason was no more communication between the 2 of them..the gf from UK dont call him or txt or email him..so he was fed up about it..it has been going on like that for months already and they had been fighting a lot too..so then january this year we start talking after 9 years we didnt talk and see each other.coz they live in the philippines and my whole family migrated here in US. we talked on the phone every single day txting day and night. and months after he broke up with his gf and now we are together..he went back to work they had a trip in florida i went to see him...now i am suppose to see him in spain but i am confuse and hurt.. coz one day he emailed me and because i asked him.. he told me that now he is confused. he wants to be with the both of us but he said i know i can only be with one of u.. and he is asking me not to leave him and if i can wait for his decision.. now i dont know what i should do.. should i wait or i will just tell him that i cant and move on..?im confused..and im hurting so bad... it was so sudden..i dont even know what to reply on his email. Thank u so much Hi, I just want to tell u, u are great..

I have a boyfriend right now.. He used to be my high school classmate back then.he works as a seaman ( crewman) in a LPG carrier. they go to alot of port.so its really a long distance relationship..but my problem is..
he had a gf who is in UK.they really didnt get the chance too to spend time together that much. then he broke up with her due to his reason was no more communication between the 2 of them..the gf from UK dont call him or txt or email him..so he was fed up about it..it has been going on like that for months already and they had been fighting a lot too..so then
january this year we start talking after 9 years we didnt talk and see each other.coz they live in the philippines and my whole family migrated here in US. we talked on the phone every single day txting day and night. and months after he broke up with his gf and now we are together..he went back to work they had a trip in florida i went to see him…now i am suppose to see him in spain but i am confuse and hurt.. coz one day he emailed me and because i asked him.. he told me that now he is confused. he wants to be with the both of us but he said i know i can only be with one of u..
and he is asking me not to leave him and if i can wait for his decision.. now i dont know what i should do..
should i wait or i will just tell him that i cant and move on..?im confused..and im hurting so bad… it was so sudden..i dont even know what to reply on his email.

Thank u so much

]]> By: Cassandra http://blog.havetherelationshipyouwant.com/attraction/stuck-with-a-confused-man-and-nowhere-to-live/comment-page-1/#comment-10396 Cassandra Thu, 04 Jun 2009 23:50:21 +0000 http://blog.havetherelationshipyouwant.com/?p=474#comment-10396 Thanks Flipper. You are right and I was still trying to look at it that way but I did feel scared to go. I did end up going to dinner last night and had a very nice evening. We had had some great phone conversations and had a nice evening with more great conversation. He told me before we parted ways that he had a great time and wanted to see me again and that felt nice. I sent him a text message when I got home to thank him for a wonderful dinner and evening and then he responded later with a text that said he had a great time too and good night. I have not heard from him since although up until last night he had been either calling me or texting me every day since we first talked. I feel confused and I am wondering what the heck happened. it feels out of place to not hear from him after he said that he had a nice evneing as well and that he wanted to see me again but who knows what he is thinking or feeling. I am not calling him or texting him - if he wants to talk to me or see me again he can call me and the same goes for texting. He did seem nervous though through the evening and it almost seemed as if he had a sort of 'escape route'. When we first met he had said that he needed to go and pick up his son at a certain time and then he said that those plans had been changed and he did indeed have more time but then during the course of the evening all of a sudden he had to go get his son again and that felt really uncomfortable to me....I felt as though I had done something wrong and that he wanted to get out of there as soon as he could which made me feel awful! But then at the end of the evening he told metaht he had a great time and that he definitely wanted to see me again so what in the heck happened? What did I do? I didn't think that I had done anything wrong and I thought that he had had a nice evening. Another thing that I notcied thruout the evening is that I still fetl really guilty about being there with him. I found him to be quite attractive and we did ahve great conversation that even he said that he throroughly enjoyed but I still fetl really guilty being out with him. I was thinking about how Charles is out there working hard to take care of us and is not even home and here I am out with someone else. I know that I am the only one committed in this imaginary relationship although things with him have been like night and day. He has been wonderful lately and that feels wonderful. I don't think that I am ready to circular date anymore...it does not feel good to me and I really do feel guilty and as though I am doing something wrong. Daria...thanks again for that clarification....it does help ...alot!! XOXOX Cass Thanks Flipper. You are right and I was still trying to look at it that way but I did feel scared to go. I did end up going to dinner last night and had a very nice evening. We had had some great phone conversations and had a nice evening with more great conversation. He told me before we parted ways that he had a great time and wanted to see me again and that felt nice. I sent him a text message when I got home to thank him for a wonderful dinner and evening and then he responded later with a text that said he had a great time too and good night. I have not heard from him since although up until last night he had been either calling me or texting me every day since we first talked. I feel confused and I am wondering what the heck happened. it feels out of place to not hear from him after he said that he had a nice evneing as well and that he wanted to see me again but who knows what he is thinking or feeling. I am not calling him or texting him – if he wants to talk to me or see me again he can call me and the same goes for texting. He did seem nervous though through the evening and it almost seemed as if he had a sort of ‘escape route’. When we first met he had said that he needed to go and pick up his son at a certain time and then he said that those plans had been changed and he did indeed have more time but then during the course of the evening all of a sudden he had to go get his son again and that felt really uncomfortable to me….I felt as though I had done something wrong and that he wanted to get out of there as soon as he could which made me feel awful! But then at the end of the evening he told metaht he had a great time and that he definitely wanted to see me again so what in the heck happened? What did I do? I didn’t think that I had done anything wrong and I thought that he had had a nice evening. Another thing that I notcied thruout the evening is that I still fetl really guilty about being there with him. I found him to be quite attractive and we did ahve great conversation that even he said that he throroughly enjoyed but I still fetl really guilty being out with him. I was thinking about how Charles is out there working hard to take care of us and is not even home and here I am out with someone else. I know that I am the only one committed in this imaginary relationship although things with him have been like night and day. He has been wonderful lately and that feels wonderful. I don’t think that I am ready to circular date anymore…it does not feel good to me and I really do feel guilty and as though I am doing something wrong.

Daria…thanks again for that clarification….it does help …alot!!

XOXOX
Cass

]]> By: Flipper http://blog.havetherelationshipyouwant.com/attraction/stuck-with-a-confused-man-and-nowhere-to-live/comment-page-1/#comment-10336 Flipper Wed, 03 Jun 2009 13:06:16 +0000 http://blog.havetherelationshipyouwant.com/?p=474#comment-10336 Remember, Cassandra and everyone , seeing/interacting with men (circular dating) is NOT to find the man, nor the reward for doing all our tools 'right', it's one of the principal ways to help us grow and learn, to Get healed. Just had an intuition: the fact that we are Not feeling especially good and show it, just may be a greater gift to whoever we go out with than sharing our 'happy' self with him already is!!! Thanks again Daria, your path and words are such great examples, and make things easier to understand. Lovingly taking care of that little girl, who happens to be us, is soooooo brilliant. Bouquets of my beautifully scented roses to all (there are even some thornless ones for those sweet, hopeful, sometimes fearful or furious little girls). Remember, Cassandra and everyone , seeing/interacting with men (circular dating) is NOT to find the man, nor the reward for doing all our tools ‘right’, it’s one of the principal ways to help us grow and learn, to Get healed. Just had an intuition: the fact that we are Not feeling especially good and show it, just may be a greater gift to whoever we go out with than sharing our ‘happy’ self with him already is!!!

Thanks again Daria, your path and words are such great examples, and make things easier to understand. Lovingly taking care of that little girl, who happens to be us, is soooooo brilliant. Bouquets of my beautifully scented roses to all (there are even some thornless ones for those sweet, hopeful, sometimes fearful or furious little girls).

]]> By: Cassandra http://blog.havetherelationshipyouwant.com/attraction/stuck-with-a-confused-man-and-nowhere-to-live/comment-page-1/#comment-10327 Cassandra Wed, 03 Jun 2009 01:42:20 +0000 http://blog.havetherelationshipyouwant.com/?p=474#comment-10327 Thanks Daria....that does help me alot. I really feel so much admiration for you and your journey. I feel proud of you and how hard you ahve worked and how far you have come and it makes me feel hopeful. Sending you so much love.... Cassandra Thanks Daria….that does help me alot. I really feel so much admiration for you and your journey. I feel proud of you and how hard you ahve worked and how far you have come and it makes me feel hopeful.
Sending you so much love….
Cassandra

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