Welcome All Men as Your Free Therapists and Let Them Help You Get the Man and the Love You Want

Here’s a great comment from Jeannette that I want to jump off from:

“Thanks to all of you….however, I am still struggling with the same guy. I have cut back and for the most part let him call me, however, I am only hearing from him at odd times. Such as Sat. mornings or Sun. eve’s. We sort of cut off the relationship but we are trying to stay friends. I am lying to myself because I care VERY deeply for him. I have tried circular dating and so far have met up with duds. Then my long distance calls and there I am, stuck in the mud. Happy when he calls and miserable when I don’t have a date and wondering what he is up to. Please give me more direction and support girls and thanks. I DO listen but stubborn, but love my stubbornness too! Jeannette”

Here’s my answer:

There is no “why” to why a man does or doesn’t want us. It just is…and it can change, too…but not in the old ways we’ve been taught to attract a man.

Most important thing I can say to you, Jeannette, is this – Circular Dating is not about meeting men who are not “duds.”

Circular Dating is a “therapeutic” process where you practice all of my Tools on men in the field – not only “work on them” in a therapist’s office.

The men who show up are your free therapists.

As you work with them, and treat them with respect and listen for the messages they bring you – the men who show up will be better and better quality, and your personal Degree of Difficulty will go up and up – and THAT’S when Mr. Right shows up.

Sometimes – and this is a very interesting thing – he shows up when you feel like you’re at rock bottom – at your absolute worst.

So, you might think, how can that be? If I’m at my “worst” – not together financially, spiritually, psychologically, emotionally – how can a GOOD man want me?

And this is why:

When we’re at rock bottom – when we’re that “stripped” and “low” – we’re also often at our most vulnerable and authentic. And that’s what this is all about.

When we’re at rock bottom – we’ve stopped trying. We’ve stopped searching, stopped reaching out, stopped overfunctioning. We give up.

And a man can find you when you’re at rock bottom, if you’ve given in to it.

Most of us can’t even give up our old patterns when we’re at rock bottom. We still resist the truth, we resist our feelings, we resist hope. What we stick to is our old beliefs that we’re not worth much, and we use our circumstances as evidence of our low worth.

But our energy is so low, we can’t quite get it up to use our defenses the way we used to, or to try pretending we’re “okay” the way we used to. This makes it much easier for a man to connect with us.

It also makes it easier for a toxic man to get in there and drag us even further down.

So – Don’t wait until you hit rock bottom to chance vulnerability and openness. Do it in baby steps. That’s what Circular Dating is for – for you to take chances with men you wouldn’t ordinarily feel okay taking.

If a man’s a “dud” in your old way of looking at things – perhaps he’s absolutely PERFECT for you to practice the Tools you need to practice with.

Perhaps he’s gentle and kind, and he can actually HANDLE the emotions you’ll just start letting ooze out. Perhaps he’s an angry man and you’ll all-of-a-sudden “get” that red flag about him and walk away fast, before he has a chance to work his charm on you.

Perhaps he’s a nice guy and you feel “guilty” about “leading him on” – when what he’s really there for is for you to practice Telling the Truth!

There are so many men out there, and they each have Messages for you. Let them come. Let them get close. Practice with them. I guarantee you – if he shows up – he’s there for a reason, too.

The lesson and the Message he’s there to bring you – the lesson he showed up to deliver and that you’ll learn by interacting with him, even for a moment in passing, will certainly help him, too, with the lesson and Message YOU’RE there for.  And there’s absolutely no way you can know this in advance, so you just have to experiment and experience the interaction.

If you can look at everything that way – ask yourself “Why am I here?” – and get the Message and the lesson quickly so you can either go deeper into the Man/Messenger or move away from him – you’ll be moving forward in your life lightening fast, and I’ll be hearing your success story very, very soon.

Love, Rori

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1,098 Comments to “Welcome All Men as Your Free Therapists and Let Them Help You Get the Man and the Love You Want”

  1. 1: JenniferNo Gravatar says:

    Hey Rori.
    What am I supposed to learn if I keep turning into a Gomer every time I talk to a man about anything other that “business”?
    To love my gomer-ness?
    Today…I was chatting with a fairly attractive custodian at the school where I am working and I found it necessary to tell him about the “gomer episode” I had with the hot dentist I took my nanny to. So not only did I gomer out with the dentist…I felt the need to tell ANOTHER MAN about my gomer ness.

    It was like I couldn’t stop myself. WTF?

    Tuesday, 9 March 2010 @ 2:47pm

  2. 2: tinqueNo Gravatar says:

    It’s true. It can happen this way.
    K came back into my life within two weeks of me being available after over thirteen years of awfulness, BUT I was in a really low place, about as beaten and battered emotionally as a woman could be.
    Yet he must have seen my essence, the real me despite my state or maybe because of it. I was too drained to be anything but ME even though all there was left was a skeleton of me.
    He fell in love with me anyway and fell even deeper, as I grew and blossomed again or maybe for the first time.
    I have often wondered why he wanted to stay with me, for I went through some dark and desperate times, as I worked to release old stuff.
    But men can be pretty amazing in that way, patient, really, really patient and supportive in a quiet yet lovely way.

    Tuesday, 9 March 2010 @ 3:08pm

  3. 3: Wonder WomanNo Gravatar says:

    Hmmmm…..this is interesting. Prior to the Rori way I think I got addicted to chasing the men who stirred up feelings in me….the toxic men…..that is to say the men who really pursued me, got me hooked and then began to back off. I have never been easy to get to and these guys would literally push me for a date for months at a time….I would get nervous and back off and they would come for me….only to back off once I took the bait….in nearly all cases they have been commitment phobics or playing the field…..I think I was the challenge.

    A few months back I got talking to a really “nice” guy…what I would call “too nice” back then…..we met on a dating site and it turned out we had gone to the same school etc. He did all the calling and texting….real calls not instant messenging or emails….honest to goodness texts and calls…..not too many….if I was busy he didn’t get all up in my face….but at the time I found him boring!! Now I know better he wasn’t boring…..I just associated my need to grasp onto the toxic men as attraction and as he made me feel so comforable and I was so not used to that and I mistakingly associated those feelings as boring…..I feel so bad now because this man was willing to drive me to a place 4 hours away to go somewhere I said I had never been or do whatever I fancied or organise the date and I didn’t know any better and over a matter of months I blew him off before I even met him face to face. He hasn’t texted me in ages….I cannot blame him….I think I humiliated him but I was nervous and his kindness felt weird to me then…..because I did not have the urge to chase him and did not have those sicky feelings about him I thought I did not like him….I don’t know if we would have had a spark or not but I know he was honest and genuine. I wonder if I should send him a text to say hi and maybe if he is still single he will give me another chance but I am scared I will be messing him around if I don’t have an attraction to him…..maybe I should just leave it!! I don’t know…… xx

    Tuesday, 9 March 2010 @ 3:10pm

  4. 4: tinqueNo Gravatar says:

    Jennifer – I think your gomerness is sweet, and some man WILL find it endearing. Believe me when I tell you I was never comfortable around men until the right one came along and even then it took awhile.

    Tuesday, 9 March 2010 @ 3:11pm

  5. 5: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    So i’ve thought about it and realized I wouldn’t feel attracted to this big guy EVEN if he were skinny!

    I intend to do more of “why am i here”

    I think I’m supposed to practice telling my truth that is that I feel unworthy to be taken out and treated nicely by a man when I’m not feeling attracted to him sexually.

    More later

    Tuesday, 9 March 2010 @ 3:13pm

  6. 6: JenniferNo Gravatar says:

    Tinque..thanks. I’m sure some man will find me endearing. But until then I’d like to stop being a social moron. Really, I would.
    So I’m in full agreement with Rori about the free therapy, I just want to learn from it and then move on. but I seem to do the same thing over and over.
    I had the same issue in college with a guy I absolutly idolized. He was a waiter at a local restaurant…I couldn’t even order food.
    Again..this may be why I feel the loss of B so much four months later. I never felt awkward around him.

    Tuesday, 9 March 2010 @ 3:26pm

  7. 7: JenniferNo Gravatar says:

    and while I’m wishing for personality changes…I’d like to stop being such a jealous bitch.
    Dear universe:
    I want to stop being a gomer around men. I want to feel cool and sexy and in control and interesting.
    While we’re at it, please help me stop feeling jealous of EVERY WOMAN I KNOW!
    It feels bad in my stomach, tight and hot. It also feels tight in my neck and back.
    I want to feel sooooo happy for the women I know and love when they have fantastic things happen to them.
    I just need a little help.

    Tuesday, 9 March 2010 @ 3:36pm

  8. 8: tinqueNo Gravatar says:

    And you will feel like this again Jennifer. Try to be patient and gentle with yourself. I understand how frustrating it can be.
    Next time that “feeling” feels like it’s going to overtake you, try taking a deep breath, imagine yourself talking easily and freely with whomever, plan something out in advance if possible, and go for it.
    Sometimes it will feel better, more fluid maybe, even if only for ten seconds, and maybe other times you’ll just trip over your words like a schoolgirl. It’s fine. The more you can experience those ten seconds, the easier it will become.
    And you may always feel somewhat shy and awkward around men you find attractive. That’s okay too.

    Tuesday, 9 March 2010 @ 3:36pm

  9. 9: JeannetteNo Gravatar says:

    Thanks Rori and you are right, I feel pretty close to rock bottom today, like I just want to quit all together. What’s the use, if I keep getting my heart smashed up. I feel like someone has stomped all over it and I am just laying there on the sidewalk like road kill or something. Anyway, I see the point in pulling up my roadkill self and just being my authentic (roadkill!) self. Why? Because NOTHING ELSE HAS WORKED!! Time to be authentic, now or never!!!

    Tuesday, 9 March 2010 @ 3:36pm

  10. 10: Rori RayeNo Gravatar says:

    Way to go Jeannette! Let’s hear it for road kill! Love, Rori

    Tuesday, 9 March 2010 @ 3:38pm

  11. 11: Rori RayeNo Gravatar says:

    Jennifer – how about you start appreciating all the little things about YOU?! Make us a list of how great you are…Love, Rori

    Tuesday, 9 March 2010 @ 3:40pm

  12. 12: Rori RayeNo Gravatar says:

    Jennifer – I can tell you this – the worse you feel, and the less skills you have – the FASTER you move when you take baby-steps. Just DO the Tools, and things will shift. The woman who Overfunctions the most will change her life the fastest when she stops Overfunctioning even the tiniest bit. SO – look for small steps and big changes. Love, Rori

    Tuesday, 9 March 2010 @ 3:42pm

  13. 13: JeannetteNo Gravatar says:

    Hey guys, how long does it take to stop comparing your ex with everyone else you meet? I mean why should I have him up on a pedestal when he doesn’t care anymore that this anyway?

    Tuesday, 9 March 2010 @ 3:51pm

  14. 14: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Rori –

    I’m struggling with not feeling comfortable when I am kissing a guy – not feeling physically attracted and actually worrying in my head oh no he’s gonna wanna kiss me – who is giving to me and being a total gentleman.


    Tuesday, 9 March 2010 @ 3:55pm

  15. 15: JeannetteNo Gravatar says:

    Rori, should I tell my long distance ‘friend now’ to just hang it up and not call if he is just going to call me once a week on Saturday mornings?

    Tuesday, 9 March 2010 @ 4:03pm

  16. 16: LindaNo Gravatar says:

    I layed on the sofa after work and asked why.

    There is no “why” to why a man does or doesn’t want us. It just is…

    I feel rock bottom.

    Tuesday, 9 March 2010 @ 4:24pm

  17. 17: JeannetteNo Gravatar says:

    Linda, I hear you kiddo, this last guy, he sure seemed different…knew him 2 1/2 years, then…..poof, he decides he is ready to move on…..so tired of it

    Tuesday, 9 March 2010 @ 4:42pm

  18. 18: JeannetteNo Gravatar says:

    Well guys, I get a call tonight from someone who said he was going to call me last week to ask me out for the week-end but did not and said he was sorry for not getting back with me. Anyway, I think a guy should get back with you EVEN if he is too busy to still take you out, right? Even if you only have been out with him once before. Now he wants to know if I will go out with him this week-end.

    Tuesday, 9 March 2010 @ 5:19pm

  19. 19: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    Jennifer — Your prayer (no. 7) made me cry and feel in my heart that you are tremendously lovable, so real and vulnerable, and a man WILL come along and SEE that and FEEL it. I feel like he may even laugh at first at how cute and silly you are and then he will love you to pieces!


    Tuesday, 9 March 2010 @ 5:34pm

  20. 20: LindaNo Gravatar says:

    Jeannette…. THe man the I just had to walk away from I met circular dating about this time last year. Every man that I dated, got compared to him. I dont know why. He did not treat me that well from the consistently from the beginning. After this year and the last 3 months with him..all the stuff he did and did not do….promises made and broken…lies, betrayal…. I got a really good dose of what I dont want in my life. This is when I stop comparing him to the others that will be after him. I can at least be thankful for that. I feel released. Time to be really good to me and my heart.

    Even though I feel rock bottom right now I guess the only way to go is up.


    Tuesday, 9 March 2010 @ 5:47pm

  21. 21: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    Rori – This post, oh my gosh, was such perfect timing that it made my heart race and made me hold my breath because I knew it was a clear roadmap for me RIGHT NOW.

    I am feeling pretty “low” right now, and have very low energy for some reason, so that part was especially timely! I feel so encouraged to hear that Mr. Right could come along even now, when I have such little spunk. It does feel counterintuitive to me, though, and definitely different from what I have always been taught (“Be happy, Lucy, guys like girls who are happy.” Yes, they do, of course they do . . . So, how do I reconcile that reality with the one that says a guy can find you and love you when you’re at rock bottom???)

    I also don’t know how to handle the logistics of dating when I feel such low energy and blah-ness. I feel like withdrawing at times like this. I feel like I would be a horrible date at times like this. Do I just go anyway? What do I say in “getting to know you emails” at times like this? There are several guys who I have left hanging right now — did not respond to emails — because I feel so blah. Guys that want to meet me next weekend, they want to drive from out of state even! — Do I agree to meet them even though I feel like I would be a bad date cuz I’m feeling blah, or do I tell them I want to hold off on meeting them?

    I am also still having trouble finding a way to reconcile in my mind using them as free therapy while we are calling it a date. It feels like I am being dishonest to call it a date when I am not really viewing it as a date. It feels dishonest to USE a man for free therapy (especially when I already can tell he is not the One for me) when the men are not wanting to be USED — they think they are going on a date with someone who is interested in the possibility of a romantic relationship with them; they don’t know they are being used for therapy instead.

    I know I and others have expressed this before, and I feel bad that I am saying it again, but it is just something I still don’t quite get and I’m not sure why.

    Tuesday, 9 March 2010 @ 5:51pm

  22. 22: SienaNo Gravatar says:

    I love the imagery of rock bottom. I feel like I’m there – or rather, I feel like I’m in the space between. My old ways are behind me, and I’ve yet to see any fruit from my new ways. If I were a poet, I would say something about being in the space right before dawn breaks. It’s a wonderful (scary, quiet, lonely, awesome) place to be!

    Something strangely wonderful has been happening to me in the past month or so, ever since I made the commitment to figure out and change what I was doing wrong with men and (not by accident) found Rori. Has anyone else had this experience?

    One-by-one, the ‘old’ men have come out of the woodwork and I’ve been given the opportunity to finish the relationships and close those doors and end the relationships for real. It’s a little spooky!

    Strangest of all – the man who started this all for me years and years ago came back in a way. Years ago I approached him after 5 years of back and forth and said that I couldn’t go on like we were anymore. He agreed, and said, “let’s go away for a couple of weeks and then come back with what we think we should do”. And… he never came back. Never called, emailed, returned my attempts to contact him… just vanished.

    After a long time I got over it, and figured that door was closed and that I didn’t need closure. And I never sought it.

    But this past week, out of the blue – his dad called me and asked me to lunch! I went out of curiosity more than anything. His dad wanted me to do some work for him, and I had the chance to say no – and walk away having the last word and *finally* communicating my boundaries. That door is now officially closed, and the closure that I never sought was offered to me. Wow!

    I hope this means that I am ready for the next chapter in my life, it sure would feel great!

    Anyone else have experience with this type of thing?


    Tuesday, 9 March 2010 @ 6:01pm

  23. 23: JenniferNo Gravatar says:

    a list of things that are great about me?
    I’m really really good at my job. Like really. If another nurse messess something up..my boss sends me to fix it.
    I’m very reliable.
    I’m the “go to girl” for problem solving for the majority of my friends and family. I can reason out most stuff.
    I have a hotel and restaurant management diploma as well as a nursing diploma…..so I can cook anything. Bread, pasta, sauces, soups, stocks. Cake, pie, creme brule, sacher torte..the list goes on.
    Animals always like me. Even the really nasty ones. Even the wild ones.
    Babies always like me. Even the cranky ones.
    I once brought down rain from the clear blue sky. no kidding.
    um….that’s all I can think of for now.
    Is this rock bottom?\
    My sister’s BFF got engaged this week. She’s the same age as my sister.
    So I cried all the way home.
    I feel alone…very very alone.

    Tuesday, 9 March 2010 @ 6:06pm

  24. 24: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Animals always like me. Even the really nasty ones. Even the wild ones.
    Babies always like me. Even the cranky ones.
    I once brought down rain from the clear blue sky. no kidding.

    OMG! I feel fascinated and jealous!!! I WANT THIS FOR MYSELF. I WILL HAVE THIS. THANK YOU!!!

    Tuesday, 9 March 2010 @ 6:17pm

  25. 25: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    I’m feeling freakin down an drained… Gonna go to Toastmasters now

    Tuesday, 9 March 2010 @ 6:18pm

  26. 26: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    Jennifer! I agree with Daria! If it were me, I would put that in my dating profile, just like you wrote it here!

    Tuesday, 9 March 2010 @ 6:20pm

  27. 27: Erika AwakeningNo Gravatar says:

    I felt really sad today, and this post just feels good to read.

    I was musing over Rori’s post about “heal yourself and then he’ll show up.”

    And the thought was, what the fuck are you waiting for, God? You put me through my paces. I healed.

    Where the fuck is he?

    I feel angry and betrayed by God.

    But mostly sad.

    And still frustrated with what I perceive as this ridiculous social standard that “experts” are not allowed to have any vulnerability.

    I call bullshit on that.

    Tuesday, 9 March 2010 @ 6:27pm

  28. 28: JenniferNo Gravatar says:

    I put it on my dating profile. Thanks for the suggestion. We’ll see how what happens.

    Tuesday, 9 March 2010 @ 6:34pm

  29. 29: JeannetteNo Gravatar says:

    Guys, my 2 1/2year long distance ended because he said he could not take the distance. We got along great but the distance has always been an issue! So I suggested we try and see each other more. Well he said, “Its just so hard.” I said we could close the gap and I could move to Tennessee (I am 600 miles from him). But he hasn’t said a word about it and is only calling once a week to check in. What is his deal? Did he just lose interest or what? I wonder if another woman has grabbed his attention. I guess he just did not feel I was ‘the one.’ And after 2 1/2 years!! He calls me on Sat mornings is all now. Should I tell him I can’t do this just friendship thing. I am lost. Please advice me here. I don’t want to come across as cold but I am hurt. He maybe even went back to his ex wife who lives down there. I think I deserve more of an explanation don’t you. I talked with him everyday on the phone. I was here for him and his ex wife ran out on him. I was loyal, even being 600 miles away!!! Don’t I deserve something here??!!

    Tuesday, 9 March 2010 @ 6:35pm

  30. 30: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    Yay Jennifer! I feel excited! Keep us posted. I feel teary again for you!


    Tuesday, 9 March 2010 @ 6:47pm

  31. 31: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    Erika – I feel sad that you feel sad, even though I know it’s okay for you to feel sad.

    I identify with your feelings and frustration with God. That’s how I feel about my daughter, who is 22, has cystic fibrosis, and has never had a boyfriend. She is sweet and smart and wonderful, but has a lot of emotional pain because of her medical condition and her dad abandoning her and her brothers when she was 13. She wants more than anything to be married and, if she’s well enough, have a child. As much as I want love and marriage for myself, I want it just as much — maybe more — for her, and it makes me mad that God doesn’t give that to her. She tries so hard to heal emotionally and put herself out there and shine. I am sobbing now. I don’t usually use this word, but I’m going to echo you, Erika, and say,

    “What the fuck are you waiting for, God?”

    Thank you, Erika, for helping me feel my feelings. I feel so grateful that you allowed yourself to be vulnerable here tonight, even as an “expert” — ESPECIALLY as an expert. True leaders lead by example, right?

    For eight years, I was best friends (and prayer partner) with the female pastor of my former church. She was open and vulnerable with me, but always felt she had to hide all of the real her from the rest of the church. She always said, “They need me to be strong.” I always told her, “They need you to be REAL.”

    Of course, she didn’t need to share EVERYTHING personal with the whole church, but she had two completely different selves — the public self became increasingly fake and inauthentic, to the point where I could no longer attend the church in good conscience, knowing that she was doing such a disservice to the church and to herself.

    So, I wholeheartedly support your calling bullshit on that standard!!!

    Tuesday, 9 March 2010 @ 7:02pm

  32. 32: Rori RayeNo Gravatar says:

    Erika – I think your man IS here. Love, Rori

    Tuesday, 9 March 2010 @ 8:34pm

  33. 33: LoriNo Gravatar says:

    OMG Jennifer! What you wrote would be the best dating profile EVER! I LOVED it! I want to be just like you!

    Tuesday, 9 March 2010 @ 8:34pm

  34. 34: Rori RayeNo Gravatar says:

    Jennifer, I hear poetry when you write. If you can bring down rain from a clear blue sky….well…this is a piece of cake for you….maybe it just looks like rock bottom. Think up some more things – small, tiny things, itty bitty things that are great about you. Really look around yourself, inside and out. In fact – let’s ALL do this! (I could use it too!) We love you, Rori

    Tuesday, 9 March 2010 @ 8:37pm

  35. 35: TinaNo Gravatar says:

    I”m trying to find my feelings yooohooooo! this girl came to my house, she really liked my boots, and wanted to wear the boots for a night out. She was wearing sneakers. Anyway I hesitated, I told her well its snowing and wet, the boots are more like winter slippers. She said that she would be careful and take care not to get the boots wet. I finally said ok , I didnt feel good about her wearing my boots.

    anyway, the boots came back all soggy wet! grrrrrrr. She’s quite ballsy. anyway I find out later that she STOLE a makeup case of mine grrrrrrrrrrr. I felt a “soft spot” for her because of her issues. So two things first is why did I hesitate and what is my feeling, that feeling like my boundry is being crossed? is that what it is? grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr. anyway, I feel pissed that she got the boots wet or more because she knew the boots meant a lot to me or whatever grrrrrrrr. She is young 19 i think, anyway Ive since heard she got beaten up by other girls her age. I feel so angry that she didnt take care of my boots and she stole a makeup case! I was almost or yes I was feeling grrrrrrrrrr, there you little stinker! thats what you get, I dont feel bad for her anymore.

    And this is another story, An ex friend was just totally outed publicly for something really messed up, she’s in a position to help those in need but anyway, I said good for you hhehehee, Like am I sick or what? I feel satisfied at their misfortunes!

    Tuesday, 9 March 2010 @ 8:52pm

  36. 36: TinaNo Gravatar says:

    I feel glee weeeeeee, giddy laughy, god am I sick or what? will someone please judge me lol

    Tuesday, 9 March 2010 @ 9:03pm

  37. 37: TinaNo Gravatar says:

    I couldnt seem to stick with my original feelings/intuition NO grrrr. I had my doubts but said ok.

    I feel like doing a happy dance at their disasters. The ex friend slept with my ex. It would be like me going to Rori for advice then she turns around and sleeps with my ex, not that she would, he’s a loser but yeah… lol

    Tuesday, 9 March 2010 @ 9:14pm

  38. 38: TinaNo Gravatar says:

    No offense to Rori, just that my ex friend was in a position of help at the time.

    Tuesday, 9 March 2010 @ 9:21pm

  39. 39: TinaNo Gravatar says:

    Ok, I’m over it. was I harboring grudges until something “bad” happened to them? yeah probibly. I beat myself up? beating myself up is no fun.

    Tuesday, 9 March 2010 @ 9:52pm

  40. 40: GeorgiaNo Gravatar says:

    I love this Rori. Thanks – The woman who Overfunctions the most will change her life the fastest when she stops Overfunctioning even the tiniest bit. SO – look for small steps and big changes. Love, Rori

    An abusive husband brought me to guy A, his message is I am wonderful woman but don’t overfunctions. I did stop overfunctions but not really understood until I found Rori.

    This guy’s message is to deliver to my husband that I deserve more and he’s not the only one. and the courage to tell the truth that I never loved him.

    My husband’s message now is I deserve to be treated like queen. any one offer less I don’t take.

    The latest guy I met, he makes me feel I can see clearly myself. I am growing, blooming and shining.

    Tuesday, 9 March 2010 @ 10:03pm

  41. 41: TinaNo Gravatar says:

    What do you mean Rori when you tell Erika her man is here?

    Tuesday, 9 March 2010 @ 10:03pm

  42. 42: TinaNo Gravatar says:

    “Truckmans” message is I can have anything I want :)

    Tuesday, 9 March 2010 @ 10:06pm

  43. 43: TinaNo Gravatar says:

    maybe it’s I dont have to “want” I dont have to “need” I just have to be :) have fun, enjoy life, laugh, sing, say what I have to say, argue, breathe, I dunno what the message is really :)

    Tuesday, 9 March 2010 @ 10:10pm

  44. 44: TinaNo Gravatar says:

    Hang on and enjoy the ride of my life?

    Tuesday, 9 March 2010 @ 10:11pm

  45. 45: TinaNo Gravatar says:

    Georgia, wooohooooo!

    Tuesday, 9 March 2010 @ 10:20pm

  46. 46: GeorgiaNo Gravatar says:

    Tina XX 😀 I feel so happy. when I re-read my post, I feel spreading my wings. and so colorful. I feel scared 😀

    Tina You can have anything You want :)

    Tuesday, 9 March 2010 @ 10:42pm

  47. 47: dorotheaNo Gravatar says:

    Lucy, you said:
    “I am also still having trouble finding a way to reconcile in my mind using them as free therapy while we are calling it a date. It feels like I am being dishonest to call it a date when I am not really viewing it as a date. It feels dishonest to USE a man for free therapy (especially when I already can tell he is not the One for me) when the men are not wanting to be USED — they think they are going on a date with someone who is interested in the possibility of a romantic relationship with them; they don’t know they are being used for therapy instead.”

    Here is how I like to look at it: 1st. It’s not using, I have chucked the low self esteem part of me that believes I am “wasting” their time on a couple of dates. My feminine and authentic presence is a great reward. I am a gift to them in that moment simply by being feminine self. 2. If it’s the first couple of dates, I am open to what this man would like to show me so that I actually CAN assess any inkling of romantic interest. I am not a man but I am guessing that he would rather you give him a chance instead of writing him off from the second he asks you out because you think you might write him off in the end anyway.

    I imagine dates as a man showing me what he’s got because he wants me. I am open to this without being obligated to indicate whether I want him back right away. It is the all about Dorothea show on a date. He is asking to take me out. And this “me” he is asking to take out is just me AS I AM, even if as I am is not feeling attracted to him.

    It’s only using if you’re not feeling worthy of being yourself and feeling worthy of *that* being enough to completely undermine this concept of “using” a man.

    The date is the man showing me what he’s got, and me feeling my way through it. Sometimes I speak these feelings. I never make up something to explain or cover a negative feeling so that I don’t have to be honest (unless I feel like my safety is seriously threatened and lying seems like a smart idea). It’s the least I can do because I’m really not trying use men. If at the end of the date I am still feeling really turned off and I tell him something bogus to get out of dating him again, then I HAVE used him. But if I speak my truth to him and tell him I felt not attracted right away but i felt open to see what he’s about a little bit, and now i am thinking i don’t want to go out with him again, or whatever the heck my true feelings could be, then I haven’t used him for a second. Saying thank you or that i feel appreciative of something nice he did to court me isn’t a bad idea at all if i do feel special from something he did/paid for. Then I imagine the time I spent with him as a gift of authenticity and femininity to him. I don’t worry that he didn’t get the relationship or next date he may have wanted with me.

    Note – if i feel really really freaking triggered or unsafe, I just don’t go out with him. Maybe I just don’t go out with him for that particular date, or maybe I never go out with him. I am all for free therapy but if I am truly dreading something, whether it’s “wrong”of me or not, I don’t usually force myself to do it. Of course!

    Tuesday, 9 March 2010 @ 10:59pm

  48. 48: Erika AwakeningNo Gravatar says:


    I feel really touched by your words. Thank you :)

    Tuesday, 9 March 2010 @ 11:12pm

  49. 49: TinaNo Gravatar says:

    Georgia :)

    Tuesday, 9 March 2010 @ 11:32pm

  50. 50: heartbeatNo Gravatar says:

    Subscribing for now

    Wow I love the lists! I’ll do that too later xx

    Wednesday, 10 March 2010 @ 12:51am

  51. 51: JenniferNo Gravatar says:

    Thanks for the encouragement guys.
    Rori. Bringing down rain from a clear blue sky is a song lyric I’m sad to say. It’s not mine, I just like the way it sounded.
    The incident really happened though. I was 19, with a friend at her cottage. We went for a row boat ride and it was HOT!!!! Not a cloud in the sky.
    I was feeling very giddy and grounded. I get like that when I get to spend time in the woods.
    I bet her I could make it rain. She said no way.
    So I did a “rain dance” I stood in the boat, stared to sway in a way that felt really in synch with something and BOOM
    Sunshower. We got soaked.
    True story.

    Wednesday, 10 March 2010 @ 3:41am

  52. 52: JeannetteNo Gravatar says:

    Rori, I just ordered your Modern Siren CD and am looking forward to getting it. I was laying in bed last night feeling so ashamed because I totally let my long distance 2 1/2 year relationships call all the shots. I only got to go down to his place once while seeing him! He came up to see me during the holidays and about once every 2-3 months. So now he has backed off and I am just plain devastated. I want to meet him somewhere between here and where he lives to talk about it. I just want to say it right. I want to say all the feeling messages I have been meaning to say. Any suggestions? I know he lost interest because I wasn’t more authentic with my feelings. But, I blame myself for EVERYTHING. Yet, I shouldn’t. I think he was still emotionally wrapped up in his ex-wife. Someone who went out on him, even BEFORE they were married. But, I guess he would rather have that then someone loyal like me. Maybe Modern Siren will point me in the right direction. Thanks.

    Wednesday, 10 March 2010 @ 4:01am

  53. 53: JudieNo Gravatar says:

    I recently met a man, after beginning Circuit Dating. Rori has given me the courage to follow up on my dating site contacts. I’m 66, look 48 and tell people I’m 59.
    I have attracted what I am, knowledgeable and brilliant, depressed, lonely and low.
    After one long date this man seems by the things he says to be ready to fall in love, the instant relationship guy. He needs me.(trap!)
    I am to him as a lifeline to a drowning person. And were he more ‘my type’ we’d share that in common and once again a dysfunctional relationship will have begun. He’s older than most men I date, frumpy and wears a small hearing aid, all things which are a turn-off for me.
    I have begun Circuit Dating and will continue but I’m going to cause this man pain and he’s already seriously depressed.
    I want to see him again because right now he’s my only local date, he stimulates feel Divine Diva thoughts and feelings in me as he sees me as beautiful and no man has seen me as beautiful for a long time. I love the genuine compliments he gives. I have amazing fun talking with him as he is highly educated and a grief counselor( we share that in common) and unfortunately I have a bit of addiction to the dysfunctional way he needs me.
    What kind of place can I put myself emotionally and mentally, other than circuit dating where I am not dating him in order to not hurt him, or where I don’t fall into ‘fake love’ with him which would really be a co-dependent, ‘he needs me therefore won’t abandon me’ trap?
    How do I avoid causing this man, who already has very low self worth, more pain yet still see him?
    Also, he has several doctorate degrees, one in counseling, yet as is common he can’t bring healing to himself. I have the training, ability and skills to help him with his healing process but it’s not healthy to be therapist to someone I’m dating, it’s that same old ‘I’ll fix him and he’ll love me forever trap ‘ but he wants my help with his healing process and currently I’m the only resource he has for movement toward healing.
    How do I date him, respond to his need as I would any friend or family member and not get sucked into a co-dependent relationship yet again?

    Wednesday, 10 March 2010 @ 5:44am

  54. 54: RachelNo Gravatar says:

    Dear Universe,

    I would like to place an order for a man who is crazy about me and who I am crazy about too. For some reason I can’t seem to get those two together. Could you please help?


    Wednesday, 10 March 2010 @ 8:02am

  55. 55: dorotheaNo Gravatar says:

    I just took my current lover off my facebook because I can’t handle seeing his former lovers on his friends list. Actually his profile says single and if he wants to catch me I sure as hell am not going to hang around a guy whose profile says single and is still holding on to his exes in some way or another, especially when he swears he has negative feelings towards his experiences with them. This is the Dorothea show. Sorry Charlie.

    I mean, I really like him and want him but that feels YUCKY gross gross gross. <3 myself.

    Wednesday, 10 March 2010 @ 8:20am

  56. 56: maryNo Gravatar says:

    Hello sirens.

    I missed all of you! And I felt inspired to take pictures for many of you on my trips, but alas! ahoy! aha! no way to give them to you! So please know you were missed.

    Robin, I did go to Dallas, but I didn’t ever make it to church. I would love to have heard you sing! But I’ll be back soon. My daughter is pregnant and has a baby and she MOVED while I was there, and had not even packed before I arrived. So we worked from sunrise until sundown, and then my Mother wanted my attention and there were the Olympics at night… oh! did you see the Canadian iceskater win the bronze?

    Oh! Canada…

    My MEN scenario:

    You know what? I kinda wanted to apologize to B the way I was so into ME when we were dating. (I know this is what we’re being taught, but in retrospect, maybe I got a little carried away?) He really was a lovely person. But he wouldn’t return my emails. So no way to do it… : ( with him…

    And R and I are broken up for good. It feels okay to know that the relationship is going nowhere, and acknowledge it, and decide to let it go, but it doesn’t feel good because R keeps telling me he was depressed when he was with me, and I never cooked for him, and we weren’t a match, and we didn’t have a flow, and we didn’t work together…

    and those things, when mentioned, felt like arrows piercing my heart. I told him we couldn’t be friends. (Last night.) And actually, it was a heated conversation…

    And thankfully, J is coming my way. (My old love.) He ISN’T coming in March (and therefore will not see the brilliant display of cherry blossoms here!), but he is working on when he can come. His divorce is not going as swiftly as he would like (do they ever?) and we decided to wait until papers are signed and goodbyes are said by all. He continues to express interest in little ways, so i feel good about that.

    I did go on all those coffee dates in a row! And I wore my hot pink LuLuLemon jacket! Ha! to the same coffee shop, and met 8 guys in 4 days. The people who worked there probably wondered about me! I don’t know… but it went well. I got second offers for dates from everyone, flowers from two, dinners from three (spontaneous, same-day dinners) and generally had a good time.

    So that’s that!

    I’m still reading and catching up…

    Just saying hello.

    Wednesday, 10 March 2010 @ 9:23am

  57. 57: LindaNo Gravatar says:

    You know what? I feel weird about facebook. I feel it is an invasion of privacy. Pictures posted by others with me in them. I dont like it. I deactivated my account but that is just me.

    I feel angry and mean inside and out!… I am tired of things just hitting the wall in my love life. I dont know how I could have been more authentic, forthcoming, honest, feeling…. I just dont know. I guess I could have been less attentive but that is not genuine for me either. I am SO tired of men and their baggage and fears and insecurties.


    I know from here on out. I have ZERO tolerance for any man that professes anything to me and does not tell the truth. I have a very sensitive Bull Shit meter NOW…. ohhhh I have NO tolerance at all. If you tell me something do it. It matters. I am loyal and demand that in return. If you cant honor that… THEN DEAL BREAKER. Why do men think they can do this stuff and it is OK. Maybe it is because there are so many women out there that have low self esteem and will put up with anything. Plus DO MEN HAVE a concsious anymore? Not the ones I have been around…. in a long time any way.

    I am VENTING. I am SICK SICK SICK of this stuff.

    Wednesday, 10 March 2010 @ 9:51am

  58. 58: PamNo Gravatar says:

    Linda – AMEN Sista!!!

    Wednesday, 10 March 2010 @ 10:07am

  59. 59: Orna WaltersNo Gravatar says:


    I had a similar “conversation” with God in the Spring of 2007 and my perfect-for-me Now Husband showed up three short months later.

    Wednesday, 10 March 2010 @ 10:07am

  60. 60: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    My dad just sarcastically told me to keep what im doing and decided to “ask the question” of whether ive done some stuf for my business that he wants to help me on. he i guess doesnt go by intuition nor is he very good at compassionate encouragement as far as ive noticed in the past.

    i look forward to that changing even tho im shaking with resistance

    so last nite i went to the bar and saw a guy from 2 weeks ago. he hung around me all nite haha

    he is cute

    turns out i met him 6 MONTHS ago and i remembered him! i thought he was really cute and i felt bad not to have heard from him, though the didnt have my number so i thought about him awhile


    now its him


    pretty cool stuff

    apparently i can dance minimally and my hips tap into femininity and attract the eyes of the men in the room

    but you might not even tell im movign, but THEY can tell lol

    love it

    i was told im the most sexual woman and not in a nasty way – yes i am


    feels nice

    Bob Marley was a player early in life
    they interview him do you have a queen he says i have more than one they said do you feel youre entitled to more than one queen he said i feel entitled to all my queens

    of course he does


    queenship rocks

    a queen can share a king’s kingdom as queen, but he doesnt become king of hers which is pretty cool

    that is any woman can become his queen
    but a ready made queen shes ruling her own kingodm and can be queen of his


    so bob’s queens can require exclusivity if they want that

    then bob would step up cuz he would want that one

    Wednesday, 10 March 2010 @ 10:10am

  61. 61: Orna WaltersNo Gravatar says:


    Its really about continuing to PRACTICE. I know that its all over this board, and its all over the board because its TRUE! :-)

    My conversation went something like this:


    I’ve done all the work on me that I can think of doing. I’m fresh out of ideas and my guy is not here… so if there is something else for me to do please light up a neon sign, or land it in my lap because I am seriously out of ideas.


    So what I now know is that I was in a “holding pattern” because my Now Husband was doing work on himself to get to me. :-)

    Its all perfect, or as I like to say “Perfectly Imperfect.”

    Big Hug,

    Wednesday, 10 March 2010 @ 10:11am

  62. 62: Orna WaltersNo Gravatar says:


    I’m happy that you vented. It is soooo necessary to do!

    I hear you. You have every right to feel EVERYTHING you are feeling, now and forever! :-)

    Big Hug,

    Wednesday, 10 March 2010 @ 10:14am

  63. 63: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    Dorothea – Thanks for responding to my comments. My issue with using guys for free therapy isn’t about my self-esteem. It’s about the feeling of being dishonest if I KNOW they are not the One before I even go out with them. The guy thinks I am going out with him because there is at least a chance that we will have a relationship — if I am REALLY going out with him just because I want free therapy, then that feels deceptive. Sure, he gets to have a great time in my wonderful presence — but it is under false pretences, and I don’t feel good about that.

    About facebook — I understand your feelings and I might feel the same way under those conditions. However, I just wanted to say that with my own fb page I have tons of friends who I am not on good terms with — including two of my siblings, and guys I have dated. My philosophy about this is that I have a lot to offer and a lot of that comes through my fb page — things I write, being a good example, etc — and an authentic, loving fb page is one of the things I give the world — including those ppl who I don’t get along with or whatever. Kind of like, “The rain falls on the just and the unjust” :) So, maybe your guy has a fb philosophy similar to mine in some way shape or form — and it’s not to be taken personally. Maybe. Maybe not. Just wanted to throw out a different perspective.


    Wednesday, 10 March 2010 @ 10:15am

  64. 64: Rori RayeNo Gravatar says:

    Jeannette, Sorry, but it doesn’t work that way. We deserve the best of everything – but if we keep ourselves stuck and loyal in something that is not working or going anywhere (phone contact doesn’t count) – then it’s us who are blocking what we deserve. Whatever he’s doing – he is making no move to get to you – and that’s your clue to get a life and a new man. This is what happens to all of us when we get exclusive with a man without a ring and a wedding date, and long distance just makes it even more required to Circular Date – seriously, not just going through the motions. Love, Rori

    Wednesday, 10 March 2010 @ 10:16am

  65. 65: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    Rachel — Yes, that is how I feel too!
    Orna — Ah, it would be wonderful to have that prayer answered in just three months!!!

    Wednesday, 10 March 2010 @ 10:17am

  66. 66: LindaNo Gravatar says:

    Orna, Rachel, …. I have prayed and prayed and prayed. I have ongoing conversation with God about this. He made me, knows who I am what my need and desires are. He knit me together…. There is nothing hidden from him or outside his power or control.

    The last guy I was with would say… what is the problem? Why wont God give me what I want? (he would say that right in front of me… like I was a piece of garbage) !!! SO HURTFUL. He would say you are exactly what I need, but I DONT WANT YOU.

    I dont know what to think. I just feel lost about it all.


    Wednesday, 10 March 2010 @ 10:23am

  67. 67: Rori RayeNo Gravatar says:

    Judie, Welcome, and this is a powerful comment. Because this man has many good qualities and you enjoy his company – he’s perfect for you to practice on – and your presence will be good for HIM, too – so don’t worry about that. The thing is – there’s always something wrong with a man. Our problem is our need to heal him. If you can learn to tell the truth to him – by really sharing what’s going on with you and how you feel – and not worry about hurting him, but only about RESPECTING him by telling him the truth continually – not in a mental way, but in a feeling way…this will be great – even if it’s only one more date. I’m going to jump off of this further…Love, Rori

    Wednesday, 10 March 2010 @ 10:29am

  68. 68: Orna WaltersNo Gravatar says:

    Just to clarify… I had spent YEARS working on me. Transforming my self-esteem, getting comfortable in my own skin.

    It just so happened that when I had that conversation with God, (I remember it as clear as yesterday), when I was truly out of ideas of what ELSE to do… I was in the Home Stretch.

    I wanted to share it, because you never know – your guy could be working his tushy off to get to YOU – right NOW!! He’s making himself ready, just as you are.

    It made me feel so good to know that. My man had been doing work on himself, he’d been practicing, he was wanting ME to show up in his world. :-)

    My desire is to give each of you some FUEL to continue. Keep working on You. Treat yourself as you wish to be treated. Don’t settle! You can have everything you desire in a relationship and MORE!

    I know it is not only possible, but probable – it is LIKELY to happen for YOU.

    Big Hug,

    Wednesday, 10 March 2010 @ 10:41am

  69. 69: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    Thanks, Orna, this is great stuff. :) Your “home stretch” comment reminded me of something I felt God saying to me a few weeks ago. I was working through some almost overwhelming stuff, not sleeping AT ALL, feeling frustrated because “working on me” seemed like a never-ending story (which it is, but come on!!!), and suddenly I felt this spoken to me:

    “You’re almost done. All that’s left is one epic battle, then you’re done.”

    Wow. Of course we are never “done,” but I knew that it meant I would be ready for a breather of some sort, and that I would have broken through something big.

    And I was surprised at how “epic” the battle actually turned out to be — pieces of my past came to the forefront that I didn’t even know were related to my present life . . . so much has come together, but it has been really HARD to go through, feel through. But also amazing.

    It feels like the epic battle is winding down, so we’ll see…. :)

    Wednesday, 10 March 2010 @ 10:54am

  70. 70: SienaNo Gravatar says:

    Oh wow, Orna, this reduced me to tears: “So what I now know is that I was in a “holding pattern” because my Now Husband was doing work on himself to get to me.”

    *THIS* is the ‘space between’ that I commented about earlier in this post.

    Oh man, I hope it’s true for me too!!

    Thank you for being here!!!!


    Wednesday, 10 March 2010 @ 11:14am

  71. 71: RachelNo Gravatar says:

    Thank you Orna… so encouraging. And I’m just going to put duct tape of the mouth of the little cartoon snake that is saying it won’t work that way for me. MMHMMMHMMMMM…!

    Wednesday, 10 March 2010 @ 11:35am

  72. 72: LindaNo Gravatar says:

    I read what Judith wrote. I dont want to be caught up in a relationship like that. I think that there are elements of what she is describing that were between S and I. Maybe it explains why he pushed me away so many times but within a 5 to 6 week period he would be contacting me again. Something in both of us is connected but not necessarily all healthy.

    I am glad I am away. I am glad that I not connected or having any dialouge. I am glad that I did not answer his call when he tried to contact me. I have been a sucker for his charms before. Having access to his email (when he left it signed on on my computer) was a gift. I could see the deeper real him. Not the one he showed me.

    Good things sometimes are so painful. Coming thru them has the potential to make us stronger if we let then. I hate PAIN. I hate it.

    A long time ago when I was praying one morning last year… I was talking to God about S. He spoke to me clear as a bell and said. He is not the best for you but you can have him if you want….. hmmmmm

    I feel weird about that. I feel parts of me wants him to this day. I dont like admitting it. What is wrong with the picture. I knew that he needed me in his life, he acknowledged it over and over. There is truth to the statement but is it not healthy or the best for me.

    This whole things worries me.


    Wednesday, 10 March 2010 @ 12:52pm

  73. 73: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    Linda, why do you feel worried?

    Wednesday, 10 March 2010 @ 12:55pm

  74. 74: JudieNo Gravatar says:

    Thank you Rori, that’s very helpful. I think as long as I use feeling words and come from my own place I’ll be free of the ‘mothering mode’ we codependents get in to.
    Linda, I can relate so much to what you’re saying. I have found learning about The Shadow self is helpful WHEN I REMEMBER IT. That unconscious suppressed part of ourselves which we seek out in the other. A google search will bring up some good websites on the Shadow and how the Shadow tries to dictate the mate we choose.
    I’m at least glad my Shadow self found someone nurturing rather than emotionally unavailable, that was my Modus operandi before!

    Wednesday, 10 March 2010 @ 1:09pm

  75. 75: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    From a PUA site: ‘Based on our 2010 study of over 1,000 women…

    47% of all women like compliments – the rest hate them.

    59% of all women sleep around – the rest do not.

    44% of all women want a romantic relationship – while the rest are modern “self-providers.”’

    I feel weird about this.

    Wednesday, 10 March 2010 @ 1:52pm

  76. 76: LindaNo Gravatar says:

    Lucy I have done so much work on me. Feeling like I was in a good place for a relationship with the right man. Feeling like I was seeing light at the end of the tunnel.

    I feel worried because I dont want to have a whole other thing to keep me from having a great relationship. I dont feel codependant, I have been a loaner most my life. Enjoyed my own company, did lots of things alone. SOmehow I felt co-dependant on S. He was emotionally unavailable. He would come close then back off. The cycle was as I said predictable. I would take him back in because he would come closer, appoligizing things would be good and then he would go again. Pursueing others etc. What a miserable cycle. Not what I wanted. I knew he was drawn to me for LOTS of reasons. I am the one woman he has met that he cant dismiss. He admitted it, he admitted he was afraid, emotionally unconnected etc. THere is a part of me that loves to be needed. But I want to be wanted too. HE did not do that a for long if ever.

    I dont want to fall into that again. There is something in me.. that is calm and nurturing and motherly that I dont want to be detrimental to my relationship. I think I have worked on that functioning in my life primarliy but it is there.

    Authenticity is a goal of mine. Complete integration of all of me. A healthy full version of me is what I want to offer and have desired.

    I will look up the shadow self subject that Judie mentioned. Thanks Judie. This may be a missing piece that I need to understand so I dont sabatoge the relationship I want.


    Wednesday, 10 March 2010 @ 1:59pm

  77. 77: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    From Erika’s blog:

    “And here’s a confession for you: I still love him. Hehe, that feels good to say out loud. Rather than trying to talk myself out of loving him, I am moving (as usual) in the opposite direction of conventional wisdom. Over the past few days, I decided to surrender to my love for him instead. As I did that, my joy and love for life returned. I can love him and also live my life, and that’s exactly what I intend to do.”

    I love this. This is what I was trying to say before, about TN man, and lots of people here didn’t like it.

    Wednesday, 10 March 2010 @ 1:59pm

  78. 78: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    What Erika says there sounds like Rori’s tool of having him on our horse.

    I got a different vibe about what you described with TN man thing to be honest.

    Wednesday, 10 March 2010 @ 2:34pm

  79. 79: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    Yes, I felt misunderstood when I was expressing my feeling of how you can still love a man — and surrender to that love — without it being a leaning forward, outgoing-energy thing. When I read what Erika wrote, it resonated with exactly the point I was trying to make, the place where I had gotten to with TN man. There is a joy that comes from doing that, just like Erika says here.


    Wednesday, 10 March 2010 @ 3:00pm

  80. 80: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    I haven’t read Rori’s horse tool directly, but from what I’ve read about it on the blog, to ME it sounds a bit different from what Erika is expressing. I could be wrong, of course, but it doesn’t have the same meaning to me.

    I guess, for me, the difference is that what I am talking about, and what it seems Erika is saying, is NOT A TOOL. It is LOVE. Nothing to do with a tool.

    Wednesday, 10 March 2010 @ 3:06pm

  81. 81: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    I feel completely and utterly tired of dating.

    I feel bored with men.

    I feel overwhelmed with emails from guys I am not interested in on the dating site.

    I feel sad and frustrated about my excess weight.

    I feel tired.

    Wednesday, 10 March 2010 @ 3:24pm

  82. 82: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Hmm I feel defensive.

    Wednesday, 10 March 2010 @ 3:35pm

  83. 83: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    the man from last nite wants to take me to the academy of art
    thats cute! i feel so excietd to have the same guy i felt so sexy with last time show up 6 months later.. i had let him go as gone forever! wow!

    the other guy that was hating on him after feels like a drag… he caleld me and the conversation left me feeling tense

    no no

    i might experiement with even more agressively saying – this is not feeling good to me… i feel kina tense talking to you… im going to get off the phone now

    even though he wasnt attacking me or antyhing, but i didnt really feel his energy in a way that feels good

    yeah so blah on that

    yay on 1

    and yay on me and my dancing

    if luv so nice tell me y it hurt soo bad
    if luuvso nice tell me y it hurrt so bad

    that was the song tahts stuck in my head but i do NOT feel sad

    i feel a sigh of relief

    i feel good

    Wednesday, 10 March 2010 @ 4:47pm

  84. 84: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    im feeling overwhelmed by all my hormones and sex desires hehe

    i feel easily on edge

    Wednesday, 10 March 2010 @ 4:53pm

  85. 85: JenniferNo Gravatar says:

    I have a chat buddy. J.
    Since I left B he’s been all over me to come out and have coffee with him. I have been hesitating cause in the past he had admitted to me that he would like us to be intimate with me as he and his wife are polyamourous.
    I have advised him that this is not a possibility for he and I since I don’t feel comfortable being involved in situations like that. I have said that I have no issues being friends.
    I still feel awkward with the amount of pressure I feel to meet for coffee…I have lots of guy friends I talk to but none make me feel uncomfortable.

    He is well aware that I will not be involved with him romatically and in fact gave me hell cause I told him I felt guilty that he was attracted to me and I didn’t return the feelings.
    So that’s interesting.

    Wednesday, 10 March 2010 @ 6:45pm

  86. 86: KellyNo Gravatar says:

    It’s been close to a year since I’ve posted here but I’m back… and I must admit that it feels great :) Reading your thoughts and feelings along with the “goods and bads” feels like I’m not so alone, feels like home and comfy, and understood….

    I think it was Lucy who said she was tired of dating and bored of men and that’s exactly how I was feeling for most of last year (2009) so I was casually dating guys here and there…practicing on them and being curious about them but nothing serious with anyone. It’s funny but late last summer I made the conscious decision to just “do the opposite…” By that I mean that whenever I was confronted by, someone or something, an opportunity for example, I always chose to do the opposite of what I would normally do. For example, I met a guy one night on an internet dating site and after emailing back and forth a few times he asked me for my number, so I just went ahead and sent it to him… not what I would usually do. Then he called me and after speaking for about 20 minutes he said, “Let’s meet for a drink”. I would normally NEVER agree to this but #1 he was cute, and #2 we had a great phone connection and #3 I was doing the opposite so I said, “okay” :) And guess what? It turned out great! He was gorgeous and we had a great conversation and he kissed me goodnight (super kisser by the way and I NEVER kiss guys I just meet!) and asked me to the movies the very next night… I said YES! That’s just one example of “doing the opposite” but this decision was really working for me and doing wonders in my life. Things ultimately didn’t work out with this guy, which was okay, but I met someone else a month or so later… he attracted me with his online profile which presented him as a very intelligent, spiritual, quirky, sensitive and funny man so I sent him an email. He sent one back and we met for dinner later that week. I was immediately disappointed that he was much different looking than his picture had portrayed him (older, heavier, different…) but I pushed that aside and just got curious about him. Over the course of the next two months we became very close friends… and guess what? This new friend of mine who I almost tossed aside because of his appearance coupled with my lack of physical attraction, was the connector to the love of my life! I met S through my friend B the weekend before Thanksgiving just a few short months ago and I wasn’t even looking… this man S, this love of my life, is the soulmate-twin flame I’ve been waiting for all of my life and because I was doing this “crazy” opposite thing he was presented to me in the most beautiful and unexpected way. Another thing that I was doing almost simultaneously was praying for this man of mine… praying that he was being led to me and being healed and supported in every way he needed to be in order to find me! I recognized that I was ready but that he might not be… Orna mentioned in an earlier post something that resonated very deeply in me, she wrote:

    “So what I now know is that I was in a “holding pattern” because my Now Husband was doing work on himself to get to me.”

    Yes… this is exactly what was happening with my S and me… I was ready, I had done all of the work, I was healthy and whole but I was still fretting and worrying “where the heck is he?!” But yes, he was working on what he needed to work on in order for things to be “right” when we eventually met. Now I know for sure that this man was especially delivered directly to me and that’s a long story in and of itself but it happened and I’ve said all of this to say to some of you beautiful goddesses that your man is on his way to you as well… just keep doing what you’re doing with these amazing tools Rori has shared with us and he’ll be showing up soon… When you think of him send positive and loving energy toward him, pray for his happiness, peace and safety as well as direction in finding you! Think of him more than you think of you…
    My S is a citizen of the UK, was visiting in FL, and our paths would never have crossed had B not introduced us… and if I had dismissed B two months prior based on the superficial crap that we (I)typically judge people by I would have never met my sweet S.

    I love the rawness and openness of the feelings expressed here… you all give me courage and hope and inspiration to keep practicing these tools so that things in my relationship continue to move forward and get better.

    Thank you from the bottom of my heart and again, your man is on his way…

    How does it get any better than this?

    love and blessings,

    Wednesday, 10 March 2010 @ 7:23pm

  87. 87: Erika AwakeningNo Gravatar says:

    hey Lucy,

    I’m glad that blog entry spoke to you. You’re right, it’s about LOVE. It’s about the joy of loving, without caring about outcomes.

    Speaking of which, today I moved into a “I just don’t give a shit anymore” space.

    A space of not being particularly interested in any man, or in the One showing up, or any of it. A feeling of it’s all a bunch of crap anyway, none of it is real.

    So I’ve moved from feeling betrayed by God, to “fuck you, God, I’m not playing this bullshit game anymore. I don’t even believe you anymore that he’s ever showing up.”

    I don’t really feel like doing anything on my to-do list either.

    Surprisingly, this feels kinda liberating.

    Erika 😉

    Wednesday, 10 March 2010 @ 8:15pm

  88. 88: Natural GoddessNo Gravatar says:

    Hello Everyone,
    I’ve been reading all the posts and I am filled with a feeling of richness…

    Everyone has these giant yummy morsels of truth, Goddess truth, Divine Truth.

    I wrote a comment a couple weeks ago, and thank you Rori for what you said…I was feeling that “rock bottom” place, not having a car and all, and you reminded me that I’m the prize, and I don’t have to “be” anything other than who I am to attract the right man.

    Since then, a guy from last year made a reappearance. I met him in a magical way, in another country, he was a street performer and asked me out and I said no, and two years later we ended up living in the same state (and bumping into each other)!

    This time I said yes, and we had a love affair for a couple weeks. During which, he told me he loved me from the moment he saw me, had wondered about me through the past few years, wondering if he’d scared me off…I told him I was a little scared, as it seemed so instantly he wanted to be with me,
    and I admitted I did a reckless thing in sleeping with him when my intuition was “NO.” Not so quickly…so I own my part of contributing to an instability in our connection- IF I WAS NOT HONORING MYSELF, HOW COULD HE HONOR ME?

    Nevertheless, it seems we sort of bounced fears back and forth, energetically, and after a couple weeks he said he was overwhelmed, needed space…six months later we talked and he said he didn’t have the courage to handle the intensity of the connection. I though it was a closure in seeing him, but the connection was strong. (and btw, I wasn’t “waiting” for him, in that meantime I had fallen in love with someone else but it didn’t work out)

    Anyway, he was dating someone, and that ended,
    and we’ve been in touch through email and chatting the past few months..

    He insisted we hang out, and since practicing the tools that getting to practice with him last week, I felt a HUGE difference! I feel like our dynamic shifted, he totally treated me like a goddess, paying for everything (which he didn’t do last year), we even got a parking ticket, which was my fault because I insisted it was ok to park there in spite of the signs, and he said “I don’t want you to worry about that.”
    I didn’t even expect that it was really a “date,” I was just open, but he was so affectionate and romantic…
    and surprisingly sentimental! I made a drawing in the cafe, and as I was just going to leave it on the table, he exclaimed, “No, we should take that with us!” It seemed a gesture of wanting to have a memory, a keepsake of the evening- he expressed it was meaningful to him…

    So, we ended up at my place, making out, beautiful chemistry with us as it was before, I felt so held and nourished!! It was the way I wanted thing to be with him before, and I felt so surprised and delighted by
    this turnaround…
    At one point he said he acted like a jerk and was sorry, and that he was in a better place now and able to handle things more…

    It was a wonderful evening and
    I felt I honored MYSELF by not sleeping with him,
    I did go further than intended, I thought I’d stop and cuddling, but I felt waaaay more Goddesssy being open and RECEIVING than my thoughts of wanting to “close” as though to punish him for not showing up last year, which was my self protective mode…

    Of course he wanted to be with me, but I said,
    “I will not sleep with someone until I feel completely honored and cherished, and it takes time to know that.”
    I explained that “Last year I was trying to be casual, and I realized having casual sex is not who I am…it feels too deep for me to have outside of a relationship..”

    he said he understood, we kissed more and he held me…

    And so my issue is, he has NOT contacted me since then! It’s been a week and I haven’t heard a word!
    He sent me an invite to one of his shows, (me and 150 other people) but not

    My friends tell me “you deserve better,” and my psychic healer says my expectations are sabotaging…I feel so confused, disturbed, uncertain of what to do…I feel guilty and bad about my expectations, frustrated that I’m being told I should not have them, like it’s the “old paradigm” way of being, it’s not very enlightened or spiritual.

    Wednesday, 10 March 2010 @ 8:20pm

  89. 89: Natural GoddessNo Gravatar says:

    oops, clicked send by accident,
    to finish that sentence, he sent me an invite
    as part of a group, and not an individual note…

    I feel bad, like I’m getting crumbs- it seems he made all these gestures, to say he’s interested in rekindling things and exploring- and while he said, “we should definitely do this again” that morning, he hasn’t called or written to ask me out.

    I have this thought that if he REALLY wanted to be with me, he would have contacted me, not just sent me a group invite.

    Am I being unreasonable here?

    Wednesday, 10 March 2010 @ 8:29pm

  90. 90: kismetNo Gravatar says:

    Is it crazy for my boyfriend of almost a month (whom I’ve known since December and hit it off well with) to say that he feels he wants to be with me forever and want to commit to me? Most guys and girls will think its “girly” or crazy and too soon, that I should be on the look out. So I don’t know how to feel about this.

    Wednesday, 10 March 2010 @ 8:41pm

  91. 91: Erika AwakeningNo Gravatar says:


    Perhaps this means you have crossed the Goddess Barrier into full Goddess-ness


    Wednesday, 10 March 2010 @ 8:54pm

  92. 92: TracyNo Gravatar says:

    I am realy loving everone’s response on this post.
    I have been circular dating for a while now and to be honest i have learnt so much about myself from this.
    I felt in the beginning that i wasn’t making any progress because i was actually looking for a man from this men i was meeting and i would feel frustrated when i met men with qualities i didn’t like….
    Slowly i have began acknowledging what feels cormfortable to me and being honest about how i feel and i find myself opening up to everything around me..
    What i feel most grateful about is the fact that i am less worried about finding and being with someone in the future and because of this i am more open to what is happening right now.Even with the man/woman right infront of me.I am learning to let go of the tight grip of how life and people are supposed to be and instead allow life to unfold and lead me as it will.
    I feel more love for myself and less caught up in finding someone to love me and give me this happiness…Circular dating has really helped me open up to the reality of who i really i am and its something beautiful to watch every day..hugs!

    Wednesday, 10 March 2010 @ 11:18pm

  93. 93: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    feeling sad. lets do mama gena spring cleaning

    waht do you have on men?

    im feeling disappointed that i’m not feeling as attractive as other times

    thank you

    what do you have on men?

    i feel scared that theyre not gonna wanna pick up the slack in calling me and driving to me

    thank you

    what do you have on men?

    i feel furious still at that one dude who freakin said i was disgusting and weird and crazy for having dating boundaries

    thank you

    what do you have on men?

    i feel really insecure now communicating these boundaries because i think theyre gonna think theyre weird and strange and a turn off

    thank you

    what do you have on men?

    i feel sad and i miss multiple man attention

    thank you

    what do you have on men?

    i didnt want this guy really to get off the phone

    thank you

    waht do you have on men?

    i feel drained and im looking for a man to rescue my emotions

    thank you

    what do you haveon men?

    im feeling sad and beaten down that my dad criticized me twice today

    thank you

    what do you have on men?

    i dont really trust them to want to do the job of pursuing me

    thank you

    what do you have on men?

    there are some that want to do this job and one is handsome

    thank you

    what do you have on men?

    im worried if this other guy i talked to will be attractive to me, he said hes short and i don’t know yet from his pictures

    thank you

    what do you have on men?

    the one guy i did like flaked on me today and then texted me that he didtn mean to, but hes texting rather than calling and i feel disappointed and like i want too much

    thank you what doyou have on men?

    i feel like im asking for too much from them

    thank you

    what do you have on men?

    men of the “type” i date arent used to dating rules and they will judge me about them and think im weird

    thank you

    what do you have on men?

    i feel sad and i feel afraid of them

    thank you

    what do you have on men?

    the ones at my capoeira class were nice to me today

    thank you

    what do you have on men?

    i hate them right now

    thank you

    what do you have on men?

    i feel guilty about not liking fat boy

    thank you

    what do you have on men?

    i feel like grossed out when he tried to kiss me though really it wasnt that bad

    tahnk you what do you have on men?

    i still don’t know what to do and i feel guilty for not having answered his calls or texts

    thank you what do you have on men?

    the ones i like arent gonna pursue me cuz they either wont “get” it or they cant

    thank you

    what do you have on men?

    i feel so confused and like im not communicating my boundaries in a way that doesnt feel like im tying a rock on my neck and trhowing myself off a pier and him too

    thank you

    what do you have on men?

    i dont trust them to understand and be there

    thank you

    what do you have on men?

    some of them DO want to do the job but then they get insecure

    thank you

    what do you have on men?

    i feel bad that this dude didnt ask for a meeting date

    thank you

    what do you have on men?

    the other guy from this morning called me and expected to see me but only cuz he was in town, and was all pist sounding that i wasnt ready when he was even tho he didnt set a time with me, just a time for when he would call and i told him i mght be sleep wich i was

    thank you

    what do you have on men?

    i didnt meet him cuz i had an other date that i got stood up for

    thank you

    what do you have on men?

    i feel afraid that the guy who stood me up and text apologized 4 hours later wont like me anymore because i didnt answer his next text

    thank you

    what do you have on men?

    i feel unloved by them

    thank you

    what do you have on men?

    i feel frustrated that my boy justin didnt really pay me too much attention when i went to his show

    thank you what do you have on men?

    i wasnt really feelin the cousin of the guy my gilr liked last nite, i felt weird and not like i was the object of attention and worship talking to him

    thank you

    what do you have on men?

    i feel angry taht my girl throws herself at them

    thank you

    what do you have on men?

    i missed talking to that one at the club that obviously liked me

    thank you

    what do you have on men?

    i forgot about my experiment of walking up to one and starting a convo

    thank you

    what do you have on men

    i feel upset that i get yelled at by my dad and that people assume im daddys little girl and instead he doesnt payu attention to my feelings befor he says stuff

    thank you

    waht do you have on men?

    i dont like the salesman for yodle that my dad wants me to call and try to negoticate wih

    thank you

    what do you have on men?

    i feel resentful that my dad wont call himself but instead wants me to do this negotiation that to me seems futile and i feel ill equipped to handle

    thank you

    what do you ahve on men?

    i wish for once they would fuckin help me instead of burden me

    thank you
    what do you have on men?

    im looking forward to that guy that wants to take me to the academy awards i hope he has a car

    thank you

    waht do you have on men?

    im tired of them asking me to come see them

    thank you

    what do you have on men?

    im tired of them saying a few words online but not escalating

    thank you

    what do you have on men?

    im tired of feeling tired with them

    thank you

    waht do you have on men?

    i want to feel excited and good

    thank you

    what do you have on men?

    that freakin guy i liked from the club wanted me to drive on the date he planned and he hasnt even called back after i got mad and he said i get mad easily and now i feel insecure

    thank you

    what do you have on men?

    i cant take their fuckkin waffling anymore

    thank you

    what do you ahve on men?

    the fat dude reminds me of hovering dude i just feel ick

    thank you

    what do you have on men?

    i feel annoyed and frustrated with them

    thank you

    what do you have on men?

    i feel like they dont see my worth enough

    thank you

    what do you have on men/

    fuckin transformer, dman or neighbor are not stepping up

    tahnk you what do you hav eon men

    my brah wanted me to call guywhohadababy and i did not want to wtf i feel jealous that they chop it up

    thank you

    what do you have on men?

    i wish i had a hundred men to circular date like the hundred men exercise

    thank you

    what do you have on men?

    i feel frustrated that theyre not filling my schedule

    thank you

    what do you have on men?

    i feel angry when they call a couple times but dont follow through adn it seems they wnat me to call i feel not good enough for them to pursue

    thank you

    what do you ahve on men?

    i feel so testy and easily irritated with them

    thank you

    what do you have on men?

    i want to have sex but worried about my bladder some

    thank you waht do you ahve on men?

    i dont feel comfortable telling them about my bladdre

    thank you

    waht do you have on men?

    i feel scared to go downstairs and get my tea cuz my dad is there

    thank you

    what do you have on men?

    his fuckin critcizims zap my energy and slwo down my progress rather than help me

    thank you

    what do you have on men?

    i feel powerless to not feel deeply sunk when i haer thme

    thank you

    waht do you have on men?

    i freakin hate them

    thank you what do you have on men?

    its all dmans fault i have this bladder thing

    thank you what do you have on men

    a man did a healing on me about it so taht was nice but right now i feel like slapping him too

    thank you

    waht do you have on men

    i dont trust them! i feel furious and unheard and unloved and unstepped up to

    thank you

    what do you ahve on men

    fuck them girly bitches

    thank you

    what do you have on men

    theyre all gay

    thank you

    what do you hav on men

    theyll never step up

    thank you

    what do you have on men

    theyre just whiny fuckers

    thank you what od you have on men

    if they knew they could just like pick me up and have sex with me and claim me they probably would but theyre too stupid

    thank you what do you have on men?

    they are all slow

    thank you what do you have on men?

    i feel unhappy with men rihgt now

    thank you what do you ahve on men

    i feel furious im tired of it

    thank you what do you have on men?

    its hard to keep postiive if im not having wonderful circular dates

    thank you what do you ahve on men?

    i feel tired of talking about them

    thank you


    that felt like riffing

    Wednesday, 10 March 2010 @ 11:22pm

  94. 94: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    I now shared with big man… this is what was said

    him online message:

    hi beautiful. i everything ok between us aint heard from you


    hi… i dont know what to say… ive been feeling confused… everythign is ok with me…

    honestly ive been feeling kind of guilty.. i felt good and treated like a lady when we went out… and im not really feeling a romantic connection with you… and i want to be totally honest with you because thats important to me

    what do you think?

    Wednesday, 10 March 2010 @ 11:31pm

  95. 95: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    well just looking at his pic as i was copy and pasting and i feel guilty again… but im remembering what Rori said about RESPECTING and being honest from the heart


    hes a MAN

    hes a MAN

    hes a MAN
    thank u

    Wednesday, 10 March 2010 @ 11:32pm

  96. 96: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    baby steps!

    i feel a shift! shifting shiftine

    Wednesday, 10 March 2010 @ 11:58pm

  97. 97: LindaNo Gravatar says:

    There ya go Daria!

    DIrect and to the point. The more you communicate like that the easier it will become.

    I usually feel better when I get stuff like that off my plate no guilt.most the time just relief. From that I have learned to ward off situations like that because I just hate feeling like that and I dont want to hurt the other person.

    I remember the one guy that I met in January 09 and saw for about a month. I knew from the beginning that I was not attracted but I was hoping that it would grow. It just got worse. I felt the the cat in the cartoons with Pepe’ Lepew. I could hardly wait to get away from him.. He kissed me like he was trying to chewing meat off a bone! SOOOO GROSS.

    Funny when I think about it. I had just met S then too. S had just asked me the day before to be his girlfriend and I said, hmmm lets see what develops between us… and then the next day he text me saying that I was a great person but … blah blah blah…he was not interested in me. WOW I just remembered that… BOY, I wish I would have never given S another second of my time. … But of course I did…

    Attraction is pretty much a non negotiable item for us. I really dont know how it grows like Rori suggests it can. I have not found that to be true ever, even when I practiced at it.


    IT is all a learning

    Thursday, 11 March 2010 @ 4:48am

  98. 98: JeannetteNo Gravatar says:

    I just feel like I was hit with a double wammy. My long distance told me that the problem was the distance. Okay, so I finally volunteered to go down to his home state, even to live…….. and he has stayed silent about it. It REALLY hurts, cuz, now I know it’s NOT the distance!

    Thursday, 11 March 2010 @ 4:56am

  99. 99: LindaNo Gravatar says:


    I am so sorry. It is very very hard to loose something we wanted to work. It seems so hard to let go of something that could work if only…. I have just gone thru this. Reality feels so painful and unfair even cruel but what if you had uprooted your life, moved there and he then did this. That could have been even harder.

    Hugs to you


    Thursday, 11 March 2010 @ 6:15am

  100. 100: JeannetteNo Gravatar says:

    Linda, how do you recupe after something this hard, I have isolated myself for now.

    Thursday, 11 March 2010 @ 6:35am

  101. 101: RachelNo Gravatar says:


    It will take time… be gentle with yourself. Use the energy that you were putting toward him to read and learn and practice Rori’s tools. A large part of healing is learning to love and nurture yourself because you are probably empty from giving so much to keep things going.

    And reading this blog helped me a lot. You won’t feel so alone.

    It took me a LONG time to even feel like moving again. Honestly, I wallowed way too long … I see now that he wasn’t worth that much time out of my life. So as soon as you can, start opening up to the possibility that the man you seek is out there also seeking you.

    I finally found the strength to begin again because I was able to envision that every step I took was/is bringing me one step closer to the right man.. the one who will love and cherish me the way I deserve.

    Hugs to you!!! You will make it… I know it doesn’t feel much like it.. but you will. You’re a beautiful, strong goddess!

    Thursday, 11 March 2010 @ 7:19am

  102. 102: PamNo Gravatar says:

    I am sharing this in the hopes that it will inspire any women reading who may feel stuck with a toxic man (and may be co-toxic:

    Last night was the first time I did not answer a text late at night even though I was awake. I felt strong that I could be alone.

    Today is the first time I did not snoop on the computer even though I was alone and had the opportunity. It felt liberating.

    Today is the first day I feel as if I have options. That “it is not the life I have the defines me – it is the way I choose to live that life.”

    Today I bought a plane ticket to Ca for a 5 day getaway with a girlfriend and it is the first time I do not feel guilty about leaving my bf behind.

    Tonight I am meeting with a dog trainer (saw his pic on his website and have chatted on the phone with him and feel a connection that I’m excited about!) to learn how to be the best dog owner I can and not rely on bf for help with her.

    Today is the day I am going to promise to love myself regardless of all of my flaws. I am tired of feeling that I am not good enough and deserving of a good man. My boundaries are becoming clearer every day. I am learning to “leave the battlefield” and it feels good!

    And I want to thank each and every one of you who shares their stories. I cannot tell you how much you have helped me.

    Girl power!

    Thursday, 11 March 2010 @ 7:45am

  103. 103: RachelNo Gravatar says:

    YAY Pam!!!! I have tears in my eyes reading this. I remember so clearly the first night that I had the strength not to answer an email. I actually didn’t even READ it! I left it sitting right there in my inbox, crawled into bed and felt … free!

    We get to begin again every moment!

    I celebrate these victories with you! They strengthen us all!

    Thursday, 11 March 2010 @ 8:01am

  104. 104: PamNo Gravatar says:

    Rachel – “We get to begin again every moment!” LOVE that!

    If we fall down, just keep getting up. Eventually we won’t fall.

    I now have tears too…..but happy ones! Thank you!

    Thursday, 11 March 2010 @ 8:06am

  105. 105: Orna WaltersNo Gravatar says:


    Yay! BIG BIG HUG! I love your post. It is so beautifully authentic – honoring where you are RIGHT NOW! FANTASTIC!


    Thursday, 11 March 2010 @ 8:23am

  106. 106: Orna WaltersNo Gravatar says:


    The key is to put the focus on YOU. Really take the best care of You. If you feel like crying, cry. If you feel numb – be ACTIVE do something to get in your body so you FEEL. Simply treat yourself like the most precious person in all the land.

    You can download a free audio “Self Acceptance is the Key to Feeling Loved” that may help: http://creatingloveonpurpose.com/

    Big Hug,

    Thursday, 11 March 2010 @ 8:26am

  107. 107: PamNo Gravatar says:

    Orna – big, big hug back to you! And I love your site! Very, very amazing stuff in there…..We have a lot in common. I will keep reading…

    Thursday, 11 March 2010 @ 8:29am

  108. 108: VictoriaNo Gravatar says:

    I have been following this site for awhile now and getting some real clarity…though it’s one step forward and a step back for me.. I got involved with a man that was just out of a marriage…even tho my rule is never to date anyone that is separated. And surprise (ha) after 6 blissful months…of really connecting, having great fun with his family and friends…I sense him pulling away. I had suggested in the beginning of the relationship that I thought he hadn’t grieved his loss ( especially since she left him). And suggested again that maybe he needed to be free to be a single guy and see what it’s like to be alone and date. He was in a 2 marriages for a span of 26 years.. and never dated between. He said that was what he was feeling too. He cares a great deal for me…and I truly feel he does. He’s so affectionate, sweet and fun. Just a good guy.
    So here it is.. I love him and am in a lot of pain..we are both on the dating website. I feel he will be back when he has a chance to see it’s not all that great on the dating scene…but though I’m doing the circular dating and everything I think I need to do to feel good about myself. Im miserable… I am trying to start the day with a positive outlook and something that relates to him puts me in a dive. Its been 3 weeks since I let him go…we talked once. He said “If it’s real which I think it is…it will happen”. maybe he’s saying this to soften the blow??

    Thursday, 11 March 2010 @ 8:31am

  109. 109: JeannetteNo Gravatar says:

    You guys are wonderful, I know I will get through this but I want to let you in on a little secret. I just never felt from the get go that I was ever enough. I would sleep with guys so they would want me. Very young I was. Anyway, enough of that! I was reading about emotional unavailability today and I think I have been just as much there as anyone out there. As us mature women know (or should know), it’s NOT the way to a man’s heart through the bedroom. Yet, something in my gut tells me it is…..and they just keep after you about it! Well, I guess I have to work on being more authentic. I felt so sad when my long distance BF finally got his way. I think that was one of the reasons why he kept coming back up to see me. Yet, he continued on with me for another 2 years (It took him 6 months to get his way, but it was only because of the distance and only seeing each other 4 times during that time. I don’t know why I felt sad, probably because I thought he was special for waiting to get the sex and that he REALLY loved me. Well, after awhile, I of course wanted to know where the relationship was going and the tension began. I am trying to not look for his e-mails but so far I keep looking. I want to be strong, I want it so bad and to finish this lifelong cycle of not loving myself. It hurts very deeply….A knife in my gut. To think I did not take care of mee all this time, years and years, is overwhelming. Anyway, I ordered Rori’s Modern SIren, I just hope it’s not too late and that there is too much scar tissue across my heart. I just feel so alone and defeated.

    Thursday, 11 March 2010 @ 8:48am

  110. 110: Orna WaltersNo Gravatar says:


    You are not alone… you are one of a very large group. That is the TRUTH.

    I started having sex at a very young age and my core belief that I had to change about me was that I was not enough. I was only attracted to unavailable men – either married, or addicts (alcohol, drugs) – and would settle for the crumbs they would give.

    I’m so happy you have Modern Siren. It will help you. I want to share that I feel it is NOT TOO LATE – YOU HAVE PLENTY OF TIME, YOU ARE RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE SUPPOSED TO BE.

    I’ve said it here on this blog in the past, and I’ll share it again: I had an affair with a married man for many (too many) years and there was a time when I would beat myself for giving him the “best years of my life.” Now I know that is not true, that I had to do the work on me. I had to fill up that hole inside of me and love myself and learn how to give love the way I wanted to receive it.

    Now I’m living the best life with my husband who is my soul mate. He is EVERYTHING I ever wanted and more. I’m living the best years of my life NOW.

    This is possible for You too. :-)

    Big Hug,

    Thursday, 11 March 2010 @ 9:05am

  111. 111: Orna WaltersNo Gravatar says:


    Thank you! Matthew and I have worked hard to put the site together to deliver value. I’m delighted that you like it and are finding it helpful.

    We’ve been so blessed to have Rori’s support. THANK YOU RORI!! :-)

    Big Hug,

    Thursday, 11 March 2010 @ 9:07am

  112. 112: Turtle girlNo Gravatar says:

    The only way I have ever felt OK with myself having sex with a guy is when I could care less what he did or thought or whether he cared for me or not. I think Rori calls it Rock Star Status or something like that.

    But that’s the only way. The interesting thing is-every time I had the vibe I could have cared less-the guys were just chasing me down to marry me or be in love with me. It is so weird. Every time I acted “needy” like it mattered to me, they got cold feet and slipped away like chicken shits. If I stand back and look at it objectively, it is really rather amusing how this stuff works. But there it is.

    Thursday, 11 March 2010 @ 9:10am

  113. 113: PamNo Gravatar says:

    Jeannette – It’s NEVER too late. I recently got the Modern Siren and it’s amazing!

    You are not alone. You have us!!

    Hang in there…..I have a feeling you will get to a point where you will get tired of feeling this way and one day you will wake up and say “no more”. No man is worth feeling this way over. The real struggle is when you do feel this way, this is when they usually start giving us what we want and then we have to decide if they are really changing because they really love us or is it temporary because they don’t want to lose us.

    Buy some pretty flowers for yourself today. You deserve them!!

    Thursday, 11 March 2010 @ 9:14am

  114. 114: Turtle girlNo Gravatar says:


    I find your opinions about love very interesting. I have been practicing this myself. I actually wrote a letter to ex toxic man a few days ago. We have had no contact for 3 months. If he agrees for me to write him, I am going to do it in a total spirit of love with no expectations at all. I am to the point where I feel sorry for him and see how broken and beat up and weak he really is, or else he would not act the way he does.

    I do not want him back-I want nothing from him.
    But in a strange way I feel God (whatever that is)
    is tugging on me to reach out to him. I find my writing to him, it actually helped me get over him in some sort of final act to the play. Like the vibe has totally changed and i am using him for my own muse to work out my feelings and I could care less how he responds. This is VERY different than where I was 3 months ago. No contact brings such clarity and as Tinque says-the muddy waters clear.

    Wow has he ever been a profound learning experience for me. I know that God put him in my life for this reason. What a long strange trip it’s been………

    Thursday, 11 March 2010 @ 9:15am

  115. 115: JeannetteNo Gravatar says:

    Orma, I thought I WAS giving love the way I wanted to receive it….but apparantly not. What was I missing? That is the million dollar question..

    Thursday, 11 March 2010 @ 9:18am

  116. 116: tinqueNo Gravatar says:

    Oh Jeanette – It’s never too late. You have the desire as evidenced by you being here and sharing of yourself and as long as you’re willing to put in the effort which it seems to me you are, then anything is possible.
    Most of us feel we are not enough at some time, and sometimes this feeling is a regular visitor, but this doesn’t preclude having a wonderful man in your life. It didn’t me. I guest wrote an article I believe it was put up here, or it might have been on the other site Rori has a hand in. It’s on my own site for sure. It’s an older piece but just as relevant. Let me know if you want me to find it for you.
    And as for sex being the way to a man’s heart, it’s not the only element, not by a long shot, but it is important for most men.
    It’s one of the best ways to connect on every level, to truly be as one. It doesn’t get much more intimate.
    For me exploring my sexuality with K facilitated the opening of my heart and my vulnerability, to him, to myself, and the to the world.
    For me as one expands, so does the other and vice versa.
    My heart’s depths seem to be limitless as does my feefee’s abilities. She never ceases to surprise me, and so does my heart.

    Thursday, 11 March 2010 @ 9:20am

  117. 117: JeannetteNo Gravatar says:

    Guys, this is sort of embarrassing but my man wanted to use some ‘toys’ especially cuz of the long distance and I wasn’t used to them and I think we should have talked about it more. Now I am blaming myself and maybe that is another reason he went away. I just wanted to know he was more committed to me before I went ahead…If you don’t comment I wouldn’t blame you!

    Thursday, 11 March 2010 @ 9:34am

  118. 118: RachelNo Gravatar says:

    Dear Jeannette,

    A good, loving and noble man will always want to make YOU happy above his own desires. You should never have to do something that you’re not ready for or uncomfortable with to keep a man. This is part of learning to love yourself and set healthy boundaries for your heart.

    I made the same mistake with a guy and it fed right into my low self-esteem. Now that I’m with a good man, I’m amazed at his patience and gentleness. He treats me like the queen and he is there to serve me! The difference takes my breath away.

    You have nothing to be ashamed of!!! Give yourself a HUGE HUG and give thanks (even though you’re still hurting) that you did not give away any more of yourself to this man.

    You are a precious, beautiful, strong woman and you deserve a man who sees the real you and cherishes you!! “Losing” this man will clear the way for you to move toward the right man

    Thursday, 11 March 2010 @ 9:42am

  119. 119: tinqueNo Gravatar says:

    That’s about one of the silliest things I’ve ever heard, rejecting you because you were shy to try toys?
    Personally I’m not into them and neither is K, but for those that are, they can be fun.
    BUT for someone to be insensitive to your feelings is, well…insensitive. Trying out anything new sexually in a relationship I would imagine would require a little respect and well….sensitivity.
    You my dear Jeanette did nothing wrong. He went away for reasons having nothing to do with you. You may not have been right for each other, but that IS NOT YOUR fault.

    Thursday, 11 March 2010 @ 9:45am

  120. 120: siaNo Gravatar says:


    for me doesn’t come immediately. I can start feeling it after weeks! After talking, being in the presence. So do some of my friends.
    But – my other friends tell me – when they see a guy, they know, instantly. (this is how it works for all men, apparently).

    (this instant knowing happened to me maybe 5 times in my life, max).

    So maybe there are 2 types of women? I would definitely like to belong to the type which knows instantly!!

    Does Rori mention something about this somewhere?

    Linda – sorry you feel not good. Was it you who felt triggered by Erika, about being responsible for what heppened to you? Don’t worry about it, Erika means well, and if you read her site, you can see she believes EFT techniques protect from STD, so there is no need for condom – this is a plane of thought I think is reserved for yoga masters, so don’ t get triggered, it is no use to allow such thoughts of responsibility for misfortunes linger..

    Thursday, 11 March 2010 @ 9:46am

  121. 121: JeannetteNo Gravatar says:

    Wow, Rachel I can’t begin to tell me what those words mean to me…I am so overcome with gratitude to know that I AM on the right track and that I AM taking better care of myself then I realize. Its a lonely world at times but, if that is what it takes…he just disappointed me is all because he seemed so sweet and different..always there for me otherwise. 2 1/2 years….just get tired of the IMMENSITY of disappointment. BUt, he just wanted to enjoy me I guess for as long as he could with no outstanding commitment. I know is ex wife loved the toys and sometimes, I think he just went back to her. But, he would be SO stupid because she went out on him too. Whatever. Thanks again Rachel.

    Thursday, 11 March 2010 @ 9:49am

  122. 122: Orna WaltersNo Gravatar says:


    The real key here is for you to get out of blame. Blaming yourself solves nothing and perpetuates that feeling of “not enough.”

    Tinque hit the nail on the head – sex is important, but certainly not the only ingredient.

    As discussed here regularly, being authentic and speaking how we FEEL is the of the utmost importance – now make that X 1,000 when sex is part of the equation. Soooo important to speak up. What makes you feel good, what doesn’t.

    Rather than beating yourself up about what you “may have done wrong” – look for what you learned. What was the gift this man was here to deliver to you? (As Rori says the Message.)

    Earlier when I said to give love as I wish to receive it – that was more about giving that love to MYSELF. Our intimate relationship is a mirror of what is going on inside of us.

    Big Hug,

    Thursday, 11 March 2010 @ 9:56am

  123. 123: RachelNo Gravatar says:


    I hear your frustration at the IMMENSITY of disappointment and having invested so much (2 1/2 years) into something that went away. Let me encourage you that NOTHING is wasted! You did not waste those years. You learned things and grew as a person. Everything is preparation for the next chapter.

    I love what Orna said a week or so ago. You can’t say the wrong thing to the right person. In the same way, you can’t do the wrong thing and chase away the right person! Simply put, this was not the right man for you and so while it hurts, you know deep down that you want to find your soulmate … the one who will come to be with YOU, who will honor YOU, who will bend toward YOU and water the beautiful fern of YOU.

    So give thanks for what was and give thanks for what will be!

    (I know this is HARD… I have to remind myself ALL the time! I actually have that phrase written on a note above my desk! But it gets easier over time)

    Thursday, 11 March 2010 @ 10:04am

  124. 124: Turtle girlNo Gravatar says:

    I really love you way you put that-bend toward you, water the beautiful fern of you. Just beautiful!! xxoo

    Thursday, 11 March 2010 @ 10:08am

  125. 125: LindaNo Gravatar says:

    Rachel you are a gem. I am a little over a week of my walking away from what I did not want anymore. I have been watered from the lovely goddesses here and being out of the constant stress has helped that go a long way.

    I remember Orna saying what you requoted. That makes me wonder, does that work for the man. In my case S would say the wrong things and I stayed but I tried to look beyond and focus on the person and not the behavior. When I got to the place where I was just not able to endure it any longer I had to walk. So… maybe you can say the wrong thing and it will send the right person away. I have always felt that he an I were meant to be together, I believe in destiny. But it did not work. He would not let it . It gets muddy for me here.

    What do you think?


    Thursday, 11 March 2010 @ 11:05am

  126. 126: lmNo Gravatar says:

    YES PAM!

    I am so happy for you! I feel a little choked up. making that decision to love yourself is the key. you can do anything and get through anything once you do.


    Thursday, 11 March 2010 @ 11:13am

  127. 127: RachelNo Gravatar says:


    The goddesses here saved my life last fall…

    That is a good question. Let me think about it a little… but my first reaction (based on my experience) is that I just refused to see the truth for a very long time. I was so determined to redeem the man and the relationship that I looked past too many “wrong” things. Was I the right person for him? I thought I was… but he never treated me in the way that the right person for ME would treat me.

    In order for the relationship to be right, both parties have to be the right one for the other. And I know now (that I’ve had some time and distance to heal) that I will never again (so help me, God!) settle for the crumbs that I was tossed.

    The one thing I feel really good about is that I gave him a beautiful example of what a loving heart is like. He didn’t know what to make of me and didn’t have the emotional depth to give that kind of love back. But I feel like now that he’s had a taste, maybe it’ll inspire him to grow weary of the shallowness and dig deeper within himself to find healing.

    I loved deeply…and love is never wasted. I can beat myself up for being stupid or bemoan the wasted months, but in the end, I sowed love into the universe and I believe that it will come back to me ten-fold.

    Ok… I’ll think some more and write more later!


    Thursday, 11 March 2010 @ 11:30am

  128. 128: RachelNo Gravatar says:

    I will just add one quick thing…. underneath I always had the nagging knowledge that this wasn’t the right man. There were lots of immediate red flags that I plowed right past. And once I’d invested so much of ME into him, I just couldn’t walk away. So it wasn’t so much that I was the right person, but that I was too stubborn to give up trying to make him into the right person!

    The vision I had for the relationship was right… it still is my vision for the kind of relationship that I know I’m created for. But I pinned that vision onto THAT man and it didn’t fit.

    Thursday, 11 March 2010 @ 11:37am

  129. 129: tinqueNo Gravatar says:

    “Our intimate relationship is a mirror of what is going on inside of us. ”

    Yes Orna, so well put.
    I have always said the world is our reflection but tend to forget, especially in a shaky moment, that my intimate, my man is also my reflection.
    And he’s full of love and laughter and cuddles and kisses and yummy, yummy sex…

    Thursday, 11 March 2010 @ 11:44am

  130. 130: PamNo Gravatar says:

    Im – thank you!!!! I don’t even know you but the support it what is keeping me going.

    Rachel – I related so much to what you said. For the longest time, I have refused to see the truth. I am not listening to my heart. I have been so focused on saving “us” and at the same time ignoring my needs. I took the crumbs but it never felt good when I did (and do). I am working on how to release myself from this relationship and your words are encouraging.

    Thursday, 11 March 2010 @ 11:57am

  131. 131: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    ok so here he says:

    i dont know what to say. im into you. thought you was into me too. its ok if your not. theres nothing i can do to change that.

    — well i feel judgemental and a lil disappointed at him saying… there’s nothing i can do to change that.

    i feel like rolling my eyes like “i guess”

    i also feel relieved

    Thursday, 11 March 2010 @ 12:00pm

  132. 132: ginaNo Gravatar says:

    I really needed this! Thanks Rori!! So, a man is either attracted sexually to us or not. And even if he is, he may or may not Want us. And there is no reason “why – it just is. And nice men are a chance to practice telling the truth. Just messages. That feels so different: to attach myself to their message instead of the relationship. That feels almost sad, but I see how attaching myself to men is preventing a committed connection with a man who claims me.

    Thursday, 11 March 2010 @ 12:03pm

  133. 133: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    tinque – what’s the other site that Rori has a hand in?

    Thursday, 11 March 2010 @ 12:06pm

  134. 134: tinqueNo Gravatar says:

    Daria – http://www.loveromancerelationship.com

    Thursday, 11 March 2010 @ 12:15pm

  135. 135: tinqueNo Gravatar says:

    gina – Men are sexually attracted to almost every woman they meet/see. They’re hard wired that way, BUT when it’s that special someone, it’s a FAR, FAR deeper attraction not only sexually but mind and heart included.
    And it just is.
    I can only speak for me, and maybe it was because my fears were more prevalent than my intuition at the time, but my attraction grew over time, as I felt more and more safe and more and more desired.
    The latter may sound awful, and things may be different now than they were then, but being wanted was a huge turn on for me, still is, so I don’t know, maybe I wouldn’t be any different.
    I was very careful with my heart, and it took years to finally feel comfortable and safe enough to let her out.
    I don’t love easily, not as most women tend to, so maybe this is another perspective for you to consider.

    Thursday, 11 March 2010 @ 12:22pm

  136. 136: ginaNo Gravatar says:

    Thanks, Tinque. I’m noticing that I spot men that I find appealing, who will pursue me for sex, and I’m surprised when that is truly all they want. Right now, there is a man pursuing me in a way that feels real. I feel uneasy about it, but sometimes good. Hmmm…I wish I loved being wanted more. Maybe I can…

    Thursday, 11 March 2010 @ 12:37pm

  137. 137: LindaNo Gravatar says:

    Rachel, Thank you for your quick reply. I have so many things bouncing around in my head , heart and spirit. What you said is right on.. I identify with alot of it. When I think back on everything, know everything that I know, all my bad experiences I could not kill this feeling that he was the one for me. It had nothing to with anything tangible but in my spirit. It is still there today even though nothing supports it, confirms it and I have walked away. It is still there. It is something I will just have to make peace with and leave it be, and go on with my life.

    I am going to re read all you wrote and let it sink in it is all true.


    Thursday, 11 March 2010 @ 1:00pm

  138. 138: JenniferNo Gravatar says:

    I can relate to the feeling that “he was the one for me”.
    I felt that way with B. When I was 14 i went into a funk for two years. I think maybe a bit of depression. Around the same time he got cancer and nearly died. I got out of my funk around the same time he got cleared of cancer so I kinda felt like the universe had saved him for me.
    But really…..if it was ALL that….he never would have shut me out the way he did.
    Like Tinque I don’t love easily. It took me two years to decide on B…and it took him three more to say he loved me back. But again I guess it’s all moot.
    THE man would have treated me like a queen.

    Thursday, 11 March 2010 @ 1:22pm

  139. 139: tinqueNo Gravatar says:

    Yes he would have Jennifer.
    K has always treated me as his something precious, sometimes more than other times, and once upon a time my insecure self would emerge wondering if maybe he no longer wanted me/loved me during the “other times”, and I would fill with angst inside, but I know now that ebb and flow will happen, and believe me K’s ebbs are many women’s flows, and if he’s withdrawing a bit, he will be back very, very soon.
    Another thing to consider is that treating a woman like a queen doesn’t necessarily consist of gifts all the time or constant attention.
    It’s more often the ever present, underlying care and connection, the energy of constant and consistent love. And one needs to have an open heart to be aware of this. Men can be very quiet with their deep heart stuff, but it’s there if you listen.

    Thursday, 11 March 2010 @ 1:49pm

  140. 140: JenniferNo Gravatar says:

    ya know Tinque…sometimes that worries. Me.
    B swears up and down that he loved me. And won’t live up to the idea that he treated me badly. So I worry that he WAS loving me and I missed it.
    But then ……. if he was loving me…wouldn’t he have put me on the military paperwork after two years living together?
    Still, I worry. Maybe i fucked it up,

    Thursday, 11 March 2010 @ 1:58pm

  141. 141: tinqueNo Gravatar says:

    It’s hard to say from here Jennifer. But men can be cautious too. Or oblivious. Or just not think.
    I can understand feeling hurt that he didn’t put you on his paper work, but his reasons are his own, or it’s one of the options above. Did you ask?
    (“I feel hurt I wasn’t put on your paperwork,” for example.)
    K and I have been living together for eight years, and though I know he’s not going anywhere, and this is for always, I’m not on any paperwork aside from one bank account. It’s not intentional. It’s not personal. He’s just not really on top of things like that. He doesn’t think about potential consequences as in if something should happen, and yes it can cause me concern sometimes. I used to feel hurt, but now I know what it doesn’t mean.
    So B’s behavior may not have meant anything, but it really doesn’t matter now.
    But PLEASE try not to think you fucked up. I firmly believe that things happen as they do for very good reason as difficult as that can be to swallow sometimes or understand.

    Thursday, 11 March 2010 @ 2:14pm

  142. 142: TinaNo Gravatar says:

    I listening to Allana’s interview with Mat with on T lol, I’m going to try the mirror exercise. Holy shit I”m scuuuuuuured hehelolhahahabatabingyippee!

    Thursday, 11 March 2010 @ 2:24pm

  143. 143: TinaNo Gravatar says:

    It is nessesary to fill my self with pleasure :)

    Thursday, 11 March 2010 @ 2:25pm

  144. 144: tinqueNo Gravatar says:

    YAY Tina…

    Thursday, 11 March 2010 @ 2:27pm

  145. 145: TinaNo Gravatar says:

    My neighbor “guy” friend said to me last night, “did you gain weigtht”? I said yes, I noticed that too, I lost two pounds going to the gym though :) he is my mirror :) shine some light on that shit! lol.

    Thursday, 11 March 2010 @ 2:27pm

  146. 146: TinaNo Gravatar says:

    Tinque, hehe I’m heading to the gym.

    Thursday, 11 March 2010 @ 2:29pm

  147. 147: TinaNo Gravatar says:

    How the hell do you dance like a nun? lol. anyway…hehe

    ooooooooooh haha, I can feel the black -whatever you call those things- rubbing against my body :) oh shit haha an yway gotta go!

    Thursday, 11 March 2010 @ 2:33pm

  148. 148: JeannetteNo Gravatar says:

    I just feel like going out this weekend so I won’t sit at home and make the mistake of calling Mr. long distance. Two guys asked me out but I know Rori says to let them be my therapist….still trying to get all this…neither one are even close to what I want…..so, should I sit at home, go out with a girlfriend….or go and visit one of the kids….Have to think….

    Thursday, 11 March 2010 @ 2:50pm

  149. 149: Wonder WomanNo Gravatar says:

    Wow, I logged on here today feeling a bit Ewwwww about everything. I’m getting bored with emailing and instant messaging guys. It feels tiring. I feel like I spend hours sitting in front of my computer when I want something real and NOW!!

    I read through the other posts and feel like I have gone on an emotional journey….I’m relating, relating, relating…to almost all of them. I feel like crying and laughing.

    I am tired and not feeling good about myself today. I always feel tired and not good about myself 2 weeks after my cycle….whats with that….I never felt like that before I had my son….I feel fed up that my hormones control my feelings so.

    I got in contact with the guy who was nice to me for months but who I blew off bit by bit (without meeting him) even though he seemed kind and genuine (I thought he was boring but maybe he wasn’t I just didn’t get the sicky feelings about him that I get with other guys so I thought I wasn’t attracted to him). I haven’t spoke to him for about 5 months. I thought that maybe he would be good to practice circular dating even though I wasn’t feeling excited (was actually feeling kind of down about it) I text and said “Hi, did you pass your motor cycle test”. He replied and “told me he was ok, blah, blah, blah then told me I was allowed to reply this time”…..Yeah ok I didn’t get around to replying the last time he text me all those months ago, he was asking me for a date….I didn’t want to reply when I got it and then I forgot…or maybe I just didn’t want to. In his next text he said maybe his common-ness put me off….EWWWWWW…sounds almost desperate….then in his next text he told me people asking if he is on f/b puts him off, I read it but didn’t take it in…then I asked if he had a f/b account…..lol Pants….!! Then I realised what I did and said people probably ask if he in on f/b so they can see his pics (I have only ever seen one) then I told him I had to go and he told me he has pictures people can look at (hint hint)….I know he isn’t a bad person (I don’t think he is) but I feel down about the date. I don’t want to date anymore…I want to give up!!

    I am feeling a lil obsessed with EE man…in fact I know I am getting obsessed. I am worried I will start to lean back and he will think I am not interested. I feel an overwhelming sense to lean forward…..I know it will not work if I do that……I feel incompetent and stressed……!!

    My son keeps asking me why I don’t get married (he is only 6). I know he wants me to marry my ex…the man he calls dad….he talks about it a lot lately….I think he has heard his “dad” on the phone to his new girlfriend and it has upset him. I want to make him happy with a lovely man who will fulfil our lives. I told him I wanted to wait and make sure I got someone really kind who would look after us and until then we are doing ok. He told me he would help me choose a nice man….one with nice hair and teeth who treats me to nice days out and is funny….I love my son…..I feel like I am letting him down.

    Just a downy day today……I think tomorrow will be better now I have this off my chest. xx

    Thursday, 11 March 2010 @ 4:01pm

  150. 150: Wonder WomanNo Gravatar says:

    I was relating sooooo much to Jennifer when she said

    please help me stop feeling jealous of EVERY WOMAN I KNOW

    I have a friend who split with her partner of 5 years after he went to be with another woman…..we both split with our partners around the same time……I was there for her….she was on a dating site and told me to join….I was trying to hold out for a man who fulfiled my perfect critea….dark hair, dark eyes, funny, blah, blah, blah…..she went on a date with the first guy that emailed her more than a few times….he fell over himself for her…(she is stunning….looks like a model)…..she wasn’t interested in him and acted half hearted with him….he pursued her to the ends of the earth…..he has treated her to the most amazing holidays, spa break weekends, buys all her clothes and jewellery….they only met a year ago and he is talking about getting married to her. She told me she did not even fancy him when she slept with him after a couple of weeks but now she does….

    I feel happy for her but I struggle sometimes…..

    I’m like how can it be that she sleeps with a guy she doesn’t even like…and I am good and try to do the right things….not sleeping with men until I feel I am ready blah, blah, blah and she lands on her feet!!!!!!

    Ewwwwww…..it annoys me sooooo much!!

    …..and she boasts about everything all the time to me and says “one days you’ll meet someone” and I feel like she is patronising me and I want to knock her out….but I don’t because I love her and I am happy for her at the same time….even though she has never worked for anything….and has landed on her feet so many times…..and I have been working since I left college and had so much stuff thrown at me…..but I don’t want her to loose her happiness….a part of me believes very strongly that if something is meant to be it will and there is no point forcing it because you are cheating yourself out of the real stuff, the stuff that doesn’t take effort!!!!

    Ewwwww…..just need to vent today….BLAH, BLAH, BLAH

    I feel like I am adopting a split personality since finding this site….but this is all the stuff I kept hidden deep inside for so long….

    I like the fact I can get this all out and feel my feelings and no one will judge (and hopefully not think I am a lil bit nuts)….lol

    Thursday, 11 March 2010 @ 4:23pm

  151. 151: JeannetteNo Gravatar says:

    I have been reading up on the emotionally unavailable man this eve. and I would say my ex is unavailable because he wouldn’t discuss intimate feelings with me very often. Then I got to thinking….maybe he was just emotionally unavailable to ME. Maybe it’s because he wasn’t all that in to me. I wonder if he was still in love with his ex-wife and was only with me until something resolved itself with her. I know she was very manipulative and I think even got jealous when she learned about me although he said they were already history. But, she ran around on him all the time when they were together. Maybe he just preferred to be treated poorly, something I couldn’t do. Maybe that is why he appeared emotionally unavailable to me. He was such a private man, he didn’t share a whole lot. I look back and I don’t even know how I did it with the physical distance between us. Another thing, he only had me come down to see him just once during the whole relationship, he always came up here. I did meet his daughter though and everything seemed fine when I was there. But still…..very wierd…

    Thursday, 11 March 2010 @ 5:09pm

  152. 152: JenniferNo Gravatar says:

    Wonder Woman.
    I feel glad you feel safe to vent. I feel it’s healthy to vent.
    I sometimes worry that I go past venting into obsession.
    But other than that…I feel the same way you do.
    I feel like “what?!!?!? Where the fuck is mine??!?!!??!”
    I have friends like the woman you’ve described. In the intrests of venting…here’s my stuff.
    I love my friend. I do. She’s great.
    Sometimes I wanna slap the shit outta her though.

    She and her husband break up. She sets about dating on the net. She dates women, men, whatever. They’re lining up for this woman. She goes to montreal for the weekend, gets taken shopping for expensive purses and shoes, one guy gets her a rock bottom deal on a mercedes she’s on a friggin roll.
    She meets a pilot. Who makes $200,000 a year. And good thing too. She refuses to date a dude who makes less that $100, 000 a year. She’s got a maxed out credit card and $400 boots but no groceries for her kids. Like really?
    The pilot now pays for her suv and insurance. He goes to go away for 7 months on deployment and he moves her in to his house..pays all the bills and she profits $60 000 on hers. She keeps the money. Refuses to pay off any of his bills. While he pays for her to live.
    Meanwhile she’s on all his military paperwork, all the rights of a wife after two years.
    I want to pull my fuckin hair out.
    I feel like I want to smack her face.
    New jewelry every time I turn around. She’s up to three diamond pendants, two pairs of diamond ear rings, diamond tennis bracelet, three rings of diamond and different stones.
    At one point she lost the diamond tennis bracelet and HE REPLACED IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1
    all this time all I heard from B is how he feels his gifts aren’t good enough for me cause of what SHE is getting.
    so not only do I have to feel jealous of my friend..I have to try to deal with B’s financial insecurity.
    All the while I’m working two jobs to try to keep up with OUR bills.
    Then he goes and says that he felt I was financially motivated in being with him.
    No, jack ass….SHE’S financially motivated…see the diference? SHE gets the nice financial stuff cause that’s what she’s focused on. I focus on loving you as hard as I can and I get screwed!!!!!!!!!!!
    Ahh………a little venting.
    Wait till I start on the friend I have with the plethora of emotional issues.
    Gee, ain’t I a swell friend?
    No wonder I’m single.. I’m a bitch
    Yeah for being a bitch.

    Thursday, 11 March 2010 @ 5:13pm

  153. 153: Turtle GirlNo Gravatar says:

    You crack me up. You go girl-here’s to all the nasty bitches!!!!! Jealous nasty bitches!!! Yeah!

    I know what you mean I know women like that. It boggles the mind. Talk about a high degree of difficulty! I still do not get it though. What does she have that they want?

    Thursday, 11 March 2010 @ 5:31pm

  154. 154: JenniferNo Gravatar says:

    TG….sister. I DO NOT KNOW.
    She’s very well put together….hair done, nails did. etc. she’s a home stager so the house is always perfect. she’s a freak in the sheets.
    But then there’s my other friend.
    She is NOT well put together. She’s in track pants all day long. Beautiful girl…but no emphasis on the package…or the house…it’s wrote all day long. The kids run around half naked and screaming…happy messy chaos. The opposite of my other friend.
    Friend B also has a husband who adores her. She doesn’t want jewelry but if she did..she’d have it.
    He literally told me one day “I will not give her up. I need that woman in my life.”
    They fell in love the moment they met. For real. She said she would stand next to him when they first met and her pelvic bones would feel melty. Like she said they felt just before she gave birth to their second child. She said it felt like she was SUPPOSED to have his babies.
    And this woman has issues girls.
    Germophobic stuff.
    Can’t sleep at night unless she has a blanket on her neck in case the vampires come.
    Yes…the vampires.
    I love her. I do. but WTF?!?!?!?!
    She’s super smart. Great person.
    At one point she was trying to decide if he was what she wanted ……..he went to her house every day and made sure she was ok while she was deciding. She wasn’t working…he gave her money.
    He cried cause he thought she wanted someone else.
    I’ve been on my hands and knees at B’s sister’s house mopping up diarrhea cause one of his nephews was sick.
    He lied to me for a year.
    I wanted him and only him from the moment we kissed.
    I took two years to observe him and be sure…but I never hesitated.
    Dear Universe.
    Yeah? Well fuck you too.

    Thursday, 11 March 2010 @ 5:48pm

  155. 155: Erika AwakeningNo Gravatar says:

    Mmhmm … these “illogical” results with men liking certain women are because none of this has anything to do with how we dress, how we talk, how we act, or how we live.

    It’s all to do with our beliefs … about men, about ourselves, about our love-ability.

    One woman can do something, and another woman can do exactly the same thing, and men will react totally differently to it. Only difference is the first woman loves and accepts herself, and the second woman judges herself.

    It’s not what we say and do, it’s what we believe about what we say and do that matters.

    – Erika

    Thursday, 11 March 2010 @ 5:57pm

  156. 156: RachelNo Gravatar says:


    Wow… hugs! BUT you know what stood out to me in both of these stories? These two women are/were focused on themSELVES! They expect to be treated well and they are…

    Meanwhile, you are working yourself to death to treat HIM well!!

    These are extreme examples and unhealthy ones(!), but it kinda proves what Rori says. That giving to a man and letting him know that you want “only him” lowers his interest.

    Look at how these two guys are bending over backward to be with these women who aren’t doing anything but receiving! Somehow they’ve “gotten” it and are sending out the “give to me because I deserve it” vibe.

    I can tell that you are a wonderful, caring woman with a huge heart. But I see in what you’ve shared that you were always giving to B and not taking care of yourself or holding yourself in a high esteem that would require HIM to take care of YOU. Your statement “I focus on loving you as hard as I can and I get screwed!!!!!!!!!!!”

    I totally understand this and DID IT!!! And it is so frustrating to see other women just sitting back and being “loved on.” We can definitely learn something from them. We try too hard!

    We need to focus on loving ourselves as hard as we can!!!
    Hmmm… lots to think about

    Thursday, 11 March 2010 @ 6:23pm

  157. 157: JenniferNo Gravatar says:

    Oh I’m all judgy all right.
    The NV are alive and well up in here.
    I’m working on making them stop and the list Rori had me make is good help but I still feel like a loser down in here somewhere.
    I guess I’m just mad cause I’ve spent my whole stupid life trying to be the woman that was “good enough” to get the big love, and I didn’t get it.
    I mean I bent over backward for B.
    I’m fairly well dressed, but not flamboyant. I’m well spoken and well read. I have excellent manners, I make friends easily. I fit in everywhere … like fuckin wall paper.
    I can cook and clean like a professional. I have a professional job that still comes off as nurturing.
    I have a savings account and an investment portfolio and a college fund for my nephew.
    I’m responsible and reliable.
    I’m good in bed.
    I am not demanding, I can take care of myself.
    My room mate’s ex tried to break into our house while B was in basic. I took care of that by myself to keep from bothering him with it.
    And still the voice talks on ….. like a mad house clown.
    And still I have no big love.
    I am tired of trying ….. I am going to hide in my room eating bon bons and reading romance novels.
    Fuck you too universe.

    Thursday, 11 March 2010 @ 6:24pm

  158. 158: Erika AwakeningNo Gravatar says:

    Hmmm … wild … I’m noticing a feeling of inner conflict …

    A part of me that is resisting participating here fully. A part that feels annoyed about talking about “he did this,” and “he said that.”

    There’s a part of me saying, “who cares?” Are we stepping back and noticing that it’s the same stuff 6 months ago and now …

    Not judging, just noticing.

    Thursday, 11 March 2010 @ 7:12pm

  159. 159: Orna WaltersNo Gravatar says:

    Erika hit the nail on the head:
    “It’s not what we say and do, it’s what we believe about what we say and do that matters.”

    To me that means WHO WE REALLY ARE is what matters. Nothing else.

    I have the relationship of my dreams. I worked for it. Not by bending over backwards trying to please someone else – I worked for it by loving me, accepting me (all the parts of me), and being super clear on what I wanted and when something else showed up I looked for the gift, I looked for what I learned. Step by step, piece by piece I moved forward into allowing the space for the amazing relationship I now have to show up.

    I love that Jennifer, and every other Goddess here has the opportunity vent and say the things OUT LOUD (well, on paper) that they don’t get to say anywhere else.

    I say: Get it out of your system! Get it ALL out! Expel it so you can move through it! It won’t go anywhere if you keep it bottled up inside.

    Then when you are done tell yourself: “I AM WORTH LOVING!”

    Say that to yourself all day long, every day. Say it until you believe it with every fiber and cell of your being.

    Do that while practicing the tools here, on my site, on Tinque’s site – all the stuff that resonates with you and especially the ones you are most resistant to implement.

    Your outer world will shift to match the inner work you’ve been doing. I can guarantee you one thing: It is worth it!

    Thursday, 11 March 2010 @ 10:22pm

  160. 160: TinaNo Gravatar says:

    I circular dated a police officer :) he stopped me in the parking lot, I came out to look for change for a coffee, he pulled up and asked me what I was doing. I said looking for change, he came out of his car, I gave him a big hi :) he asked if I had been drinking I said no with a big smile :) he said I smell alchohol – I dont drink at all. I said no Im just looking for change, I said uh do you have a dollar? big smile, he said what?! do you have a dollar, he said no I dont, can you step out of the truck please, I said sure ok big smile again. then he changed his mind, he said no stay in the truck, he was waiting for backup :) he shined the light in my eyes. He said I smell alchohol, I said no it must be my perfume, here smell me, I extended my arm – big smile again. The other officer shows up, and does the same thing , shines the light in my eyes, he says why are you so happy? I said I dunno, I just am :) ok get out he says, your going to do a test. I said a test? he said yeah? just listen carefully- I was trying to be a good student :) He said stand still then flashed the light in my eyes again, I said I feel scared, he said what? I said I feel scared and shaky. He said dont worry this wont take long, why are you scared, I said because I feel cold and shaky and I feel like I’ll fail the test because I dont know what the test is? he said you’ll be fine, now just follow my directions, I did but jumped the gun a little when he asked me walk on a line lol. I was nervous that I would stumble or something. I passed and it all was ok. The first officer said well if I had a dollar I would give it to you, I thought he was going to ask me out for coffee instead -me thinks he would have. I said awe thank you -big smile.
    I ran back in and told my friends we laughed.
    I was coming out of the karaoke bar and did a great job singing all night thats why I was feeling happy with myself and listening to Allana’s talk and making love to the earth as I walk :)

    He asked me about a small paint stain I had on my jeans, with the light again. Pointing it at my thigh, I explained to him last summer I was making a rose garden and I found this beautiful wroght iron headbroad and decided to paint it this color, I pointed at my thigh, he said oh. I was feeling really excited about telling him the story of the painted headbroad. It all ended well I didnt go to jail :)

    Thursday, 11 March 2010 @ 11:24pm

  161. 161: TinaNo Gravatar says:

    I havnt had the chance to do the mirror thing, I;m hoping to when my son goes to school and my sister goes to work . I did a mini one in the face mirror just for starters, to get in the groove.

    Thursday, 11 March 2010 @ 11:33pm

  162. 162: TinaNo Gravatar says:

    Talk to you all later, I’m heading to bed

    Thursday, 11 March 2010 @ 11:36pm

  163. 163: Wonder WomanNo Gravatar says:

    Wow…I’m feeling so much better today.

    I don’t vent in my normal life…I hold it all inside…I don’t even think stuff bothers me but then I write it on here and realise it must.

    I got up today and went to see my mum. I mentioned on the questions section that she has never really acknowledged how I have overcome deep depression in the past few years. Today I was feeling good and I mentioned this website. I told her I had found the most amazing website and I have been telling people about my story and I have never done that before and that I mentioned I was jealous of my friend and it had not really occured to me before how annoying I find that. My mum turned round and told me I didn’t need to be jealous…that jealousy is what has eaten away at my sister and made her anti social (lots more stuff going on with my sister than just jealousy but definately a contributing factor). She pointed out that my friends b/f works six weeks away from home then comes back for six and asked me how I think that will work out long term for her and told me about her friend who has all the material things she could want but her husband is never there because he works the same type of rota and her friend has refused to marry him because if she ever finds out he has been unfaithful while he is working away she would want a divorce so even though they have been together well over twenty years and raised a family who are now grown up they have never married. I think my friend will marry but I think she will marry to convince herself she has done ok. I feel like she never gave herself a chance to get over her ex b/f betrayal…she jumped right into the next relationship. So far it’s worked out well but I wonder if it will work out long term.

    Anyway, after saying all this I told my mum I feel like this is a safe place for me and I think I have come a long way from my days of deep depression….and she told me I have come a long, long way and I could tell she was proud….Yeahhhhhh!!!!!

    So I am not jealous or downy today. Today I am feeling happy. I joked and laughed with my son on the way to school….he said my jokes were rubbish….I laughed out loud!! xx

    Friday, 12 March 2010 @ 3:25am

  164. 164: Wonder WomanNo Gravatar says:



    It’s not what we say and do, it’s what we believe about what we say and do that matters.”

    To me that means WHO WE REALLY ARE is what matters. Nothing else.

    I agree with that statement, but what strikes me as interesting with my friend is that prior to meeting this man we were both pretty much the same regarding relationships.

    We both over functioned, went way over the top to please the men…..I would say I was much more outgoing than she was and a harder worker but emotionally we were on the same level.

    Rori mentioned in another post how when we are at our lowest we have the ability to attract men. The only thing is that I don’t think she attacted him by being her authentic self. I feel like she put on an act. Ok, I know that if we were our goddess selves we would be busy and not reliant on a man and that was the impression she gave this guy but she faked it. This woman is not nearly as sociable as me…..she has actually asked me to reply to her posts on f/b and told me what to say to make it look like she is popular but this guy fell for the whole thing….so maybe faking it has brought it about or she could still be faking it…but that doesn’t feel authentic to me….but if she was authentic he would have seen she is not this sociable person she makes herself out to be and then maybe he wouldn’t have been so interested. I can see her self confidence is high and her self esteem is amazing because of this man….I am happy for her for that but I wish she had done it authentically. It wouldn’t be so bad if she didn’t always judge the men I meet disaprovingly and adding “thats not what D would do, thats not how D would do it, if I got a text like that it would put me off, D never tried to do that” etc…..and I feel like saying “Yeah but I wouldn’t jump into bed with a guy that I didn’t fancy….but what are you gonna do”??!!!!!!!”

    Ok, now I know that sounds like I’m venting again and maybe I am just a bit but I feel grounded and ok today so it’s alright. xx

    Friday, 12 March 2010 @ 3:49am

  165. 165: Wonder WomanNo Gravatar says:

    Oh just noticed I said my mums friends husband in the post above then added they never got married….I always thought they were married so was not thinking….of course he is her partner not her husband….DOH!! lol

    Friday, 12 March 2010 @ 3:51am

  166. 166: JenniferNo Gravatar says:

    hey erica……
    yeah it is the same stuff as months ago. I said here that I’m nearly obsessed.
    And that’s part of my issue. I HATE BEING THIS WAY…
    I’m totally using this forum to vent. I’m hoping if I can get it out of me…it will get out of me. Ya know?
    don’t worry about me feeling judged.
    I dont feel judged by you…I’m way too busy judging myself.
    I’m working on the loving myself. Taking care of myself, honouring my feelings.

    I’m considering the idea that I may be addicted to anger. This is a powerful and protective emotion so I think that it would be easy to be addicted to.
    I have days when I don’t feel angry. But then someone brings up B and I SNAP!!!!!
    I don’t wanna be the crazy woman who goes around freaking out about an old relationship years later. Ewwwwwww. That would suck.
    I feel like I’m in a hole….the angry hole.
    the sides are soft dirt so I can’t find a hand hold to climb out. But it’s deep.
    I’m wondering about digging myself out.
    I’d have to get dirty.

    Friday, 12 March 2010 @ 5:13am

  167. 167: JenniferNo Gravatar says:

    @ Tina
    OMG!!!! you’re soooo brave! I would have been super crying and freaked out to have the police stop me. SUPER FREAKED OUT!!!!
    You are super rock star woman!

    Friday, 12 March 2010 @ 5:15am

  168. 168: AggyNo Gravatar says:

    Okay I really need to work on this, circular dating is giving me results thanks Rori
    One of my dates is really mad with me now, coz of being called by another man while on a date with him and talking for almost 30 minutes on phone.
    No more fon calls, texts, feeling bad about this
    when I ask him he says, how could I allow that to happen, he is a very good man and now he thinks am not serious with him
    Sirens plz tell me how to go about this
    lots of love to all


    Friday, 12 March 2010 @ 5:29am

  169. 169: LoriNo Gravatar says:


    WOW! I’d feel angry with you if I were him too! I’d feel angry with you even if I was just one of your girlfriends hanging out with you! I just don’t feel that’s a respectful way to treat ANYONE.

    The point of circular dating is to have a full, busy life so that you don’t focus on one man. I feel shocked that you answered a phone call from another man and the continued to talk for 30 minutes while on a date. The man on the phone should have had to wait to talk to you until you were no longer on a date. By answering his call even when you were on a date with another man, you put your focus on HIM. Exactly the opposite of the point of circular dating!

    The date is when a CD man gets all of your attention for a short period of time. Yes, he has to fight for your TIME to GET a date with you because you are so busy with your fabulous life and dating other men, but once he “wins” a date with you, he gets 100% of your attention for that amount of time, whether it’s just a one hour coffee date or more. And you should be paying attention to him as well and seeing if he has a message for you, or if there are red flags. If he triggers you in some way that may mean you’re working through an issue. Or if he’s telling you he may be the man who steps up and claims you. You can’t pay attention to all of this if you are talking to another CD man during that time!

    I personally put my phone on silent when I’m on a date and call any of my other CD guys who call during that time back the next day.

    Friday, 12 March 2010 @ 5:50am

  170. 170: Turtle GirlNo Gravatar says:


    You know Some stuff takes a long time to heal. Assuming that we can even identify it and know what it takes to heal it. I have a friend who is still stuck on some of the same issues she has-TEN YEARS. That’s right-same shit-ten years later. She either does not want to do what it takes to heal them, does not know how to, both. I don’t know. There is often a payoff for staying stuck.

    My mom was passive aggressive and stayed that way because it got her what she wanted, and she knew no other way to be. She could not even see what was wrong.

    That’s what I find so terrible, often we want to heal but can’t see what to do. So we bumble around, trying this, trying that and if we are lucky things get better. I think Rori’s tools are one way. There are many others.

    I had a guy I have been emailing give me some lame excuse of why he hasn’t called. He has had my number for two weeks. He said his cell phone broke and his phone at work was just a speaker phone.
    Oh really? No other way to call a gal? I told him I was not waiting around on him either he would call or not. Oh well. I said that most men who really want to call a gal find a way to do so. NEXT!

    I am so bored and sick of men right now. Throughly disgusted with hem all. I feel like they are asshats every one. I know that’s not true but that is how I am feeling today.

    Friday, 12 March 2010 @ 8:17am

  171. 171: Turtle GirlNo Gravatar says:

    Ok ladies-anyone-feedback here please-

    The whole message Rori talks about with men. How they show up and we get a message. Here’s how I am interpreting this. Here we go-

    I have ads up and have been CD for three months now.
    I have talked to at least a hundred men and maybe met forty. Talk about messages! They are all over the map. So many different kinds and shapes and colors of men! Wow-it’s raining men! And that’s a good thing.
    One of them called me and he was really chatty and airy fairy sounding-light. He talked fast and a lot and I could not get a word in edgewise. I felt like his energy was really pushy and desperate in a talk too much needy sort of way. He emails me constantly and calls and leaves messages and ewwwww. NOT MY KIND OF GUY. So in a very truthful way, with a feelings message I told him this.
    I said I felt like I could not breath. I said his vibe felt needy to me and I felt overwhelmed and tired as a result. I told him I did not want to be unkind but he is not for me and that I am sure some gal will really love his kind of energy.
    He wrote back and said he was sorry and thought he was just being friendly and he would not bother me again.

    It went well.

    What is the message? Is it just that I am getting really clear about what kind of men I like? I think so.
    I also think I am practicing my feeling messages on men that are not for me and honoring me in the process. Any thoughts on this ladies? xxoo

    Friday, 12 March 2010 @ 8:58am

  172. 172: tinqueNo Gravatar says:

    Wonder Woman – If I may. Who we really are, who all of are is love. We are ALL born as pure love, BUT most of us bury it, lose it under layers of pain and trauma.
    When we realize this, as in believe it is there, only then can we dig down and find it, reveal it, let it loose.

    Friday, 12 March 2010 @ 9:05am

  173. 173: Rori RayeNo Gravatar says:

    Brava Turtle Girl – This is testimony for how this works…and the more you practice the Tools, and Telling the Truth in Feeling Messages, as you did…the faster you move. Love, Rori

    Friday, 12 March 2010 @ 9:09am

  174. 174: tinqueNo Gravatar says:

    Turtle Girl – You WILL heal because you desire it. You are seeking/searching for ways to do so.
    The others you mention stay as they are because to change is too scary, too painful, to whatever.
    You brave woman are here. This is huge all by itself. You may not know exactly what to do, but things come to you as you need them or are ready for them.
    “I am getting really clear about what kind of men I like?”
    “I also think I am practicing my feeling messages on men that are not for me and honoring me in the process.
    And yes again…

    Friday, 12 March 2010 @ 9:09am

  175. 175: Rori RayeNo Gravatar says:

    Oh my Goodness, Tina – What a story! And in such a tense and scary moment! This could fall under the heading of a “cute meet” – but more importantly – you were PRACTICING! You made practicing more important than anything…you didn’t let fears grab you and tense you up…Also – if he was cute – it’s okay to say I can’t help but smile because you’re so cute, and because…so you’re REALLY letting out all your fear and staying sane in a complex situation. This can happen just in an accidental meeting with a movie star or a gorgeous man at a coffee shop – something that would throw you off your equilibrium for a moment…so, may as well assume something amazing is going to happen! Love, Rori

    Friday, 12 March 2010 @ 9:19am

  176. 176: Rori RayeNo Gravatar says:

    Erika – thank you for this – here’s the thing…there’s a big difference between “story” and “context.” Going to jump off into a post around this… Love, Rori

    Friday, 12 March 2010 @ 9:28am

  177. 177: Turtle GirlNo Gravatar says:

    Hi Linda-

    I know exactly what rock bottom is. *sigh* However
    I found this amazing quote from Joseph Campbell:

    “It is only by going down into the abyss that we recover the treasures of life. Where you stumble-there lies your treasure. The very cave you are afraid to enter turns out to be the source of what you were looking for”

    I have come to believe that this is so. Every single time. I don’t always accomplish it-fear get sin the way. But it is my goal, nonetheless.

    Friday, 12 March 2010 @ 9:52am

  178. 178: Turtle GirlNo Gravatar says:


    Your statement that I WILL heal really hit a nerve-I burst into tears. Which tells me that yes I will heal and yes, I still have healing to do and I thank you so much for your kind words. And you are so right on. All we are is love. Everything else that we do that is not love is fear in some form. The realization of this-when we know it down to our bones, when we internalize it, that to me is freedom in it’s purest form. I feel that when we can love, and stand strong in that love, with boundaries intact, yet kindness and love on our lips, we will attract only that back to us in the form of a partner.

    It seems to me that the whole mirroring thing is really true, and that we get back what we give out and that our energy/spirit resonates and vibrates to someone that is on our level. And yet I can’t help but get confused by this at times. Still a work in progress.xxxooo

    Friday, 12 March 2010 @ 10:00am

  179. 179: tinqueNo Gravatar says:

    Yes Turtle Girl yes. You got it.
    And we are all works in progress. Even though I have an incredible relationship, I still have work to do. I still stumble at times. I still hear the gremlin voices every now and then.
    Healing and growing is a lifelong process.
    I adore JC by the way. Thank you for the quote.
    Have you seen his DVDs? There are two that I know of, the Bill Moyers series and the mythology series with Susan Sarandon. Both are really, really good, worth watching over and over again.

    Friday, 12 March 2010 @ 10:34am

  180. 180: Turtle GirlNo Gravatar says:

    I just received an email from a guy-his email handle is B Boy-and he called me “babe” and he said he did not like naggers! And he said he did not want to sit around talking over coffee (my ad said meet for coffee)
    and would rather go to a movie (no talking there)

    SO WOW WOW AND WOW. My take-
    The thing about B boys that so sucks is that he IS A BOY! And why do ya think they call em that? Cause they suck-they are bad for you. A bad man is something entirely different…and well, I am not a “babe” I have a name. Babe is when you know me really well and it is a term of endearment, thank you very much.

    And if you do not want to sit for an hour and get to know me, then odds are, you never will.

    So, since I am not a “nagger” (OMG-he has issues!)
    I won’t be nagging him for a date……..Wow……
    Now here IS a big ole “message” ya think? lol…..

    Friday, 12 March 2010 @ 10:39am

  181. 181: JudieNo Gravatar says:

    I wrote last week mentioning a man I’ve had one date with and spoken with a great deal on the phone. He is older than men I usually date both in age and custom. He has a hearing aid which is somewhat of a turn off for me but on the other hand he is brilliant, highly educated and does not fear my intelligence. He is very complimentary telling me I’m beautiful and speaking often of how much he cares already.
    This is a post doctorate graduate degreed professional man who used to be a minister and is now in palliative health care, a counselor for those with terminal illness and their families. And one would think he’d have outgrown some of those old 50s beliefs about women! He is 61 years old and clearly does want a committed relationship.
    I really need some advice. The man is not physically attractive to me but I know I can get past that if I can spend enough time with him to have a healthy relationship.
    However it seems in our conversations it’s ‘all about him and his job and his depression and how I am healing him’.
    I’m not feeling heard. I expressed some feelings on the phone last night, that I was feeling depressed and in physical pain as well twice. The conversation once again went to his healing, his job etc.
    I’m feeling angry right now because an old trigger has been hit, the way men treated me before I learned better.
    Also, I want to mention, on the first date he was manipulating for sex, bought me a second martini said he had hoped to entice me with booze, kissed me without my giving him any body language signal I wanted that. But to his credit he felt me freeze and didn’t try any intimacy again.

    He uses a lot of sexual innuendo in our conversations which I have to frequently call him on, good natured enough but it’s annoying to me.
    We will tonight have our second date, and I’m feeling I just want to make him squirm because I’m angry. But what I really want is to shift the relating to more balance.
    Rori said this was a good relationship for me to practice ‘ man as therapist’ with.
    I don’t know how to convey to him how I’m feeling, which is really childhood issues of continuous sexual pressure on into my adult life. I’ve already told him’ there will be no sex until I say.’
    I’d like to explore a further relationship with him and I suspect he is following old programming. What can I say to him?

    Friday, 12 March 2010 @ 11:48am

  182. 182: lmNo Gravatar says:

    sometimes my bf talks about how i’ve changed him and healed him. sometimes it makes me feel happy and proud and sometimes i feel turned off by it, like “ugh. it’s all about him!”

    Friday, 12 March 2010 @ 11:53am

  183. 183: JudieNo Gravatar says:

    Yes, it causes me unhappy feelings because it’s the wrong focus for me, I don’t want to be a man’s mother or nurse, and so many of them are accustomed to the ‘woman my servant’ mode.
    AND YES, UGH it’s all about him! Hell no!

    Friday, 12 March 2010 @ 1:02pm

  184. 184: Rori RayeNo Gravatar says:

    Judie, Try sharing GOOD feelings with him….and when he turns things to himself, say – “I hear the pain you’re in, and I want to be there and hear you, and I’m not feeling heard myself. I’d like to talk about things that feel good. I had a good moment today that felt great..it was….” That kind of thing.

    Friday, 12 March 2010 @ 1:18pm

  185. 185: Rori RayeNo Gravatar says:

    Natural Goddess – the thing here is not about your expectations – it’s about your focus. If you can see each interaction with a man as an experience, and not be attached to what happens next – drop your agenda for a specific man – everything will open up for you. Just focus on Happy Ever After, and let each man who shows up be his own person. See what he does. If he doesn’t call you in a week – don’t make anything of it. Just keep dating everyone else who DOES call – including your girlfriends and yourself. As soon as you stop investing so much that your more than mildly disappointed if a man doesn’t call, all will change for you. Love, Rori

    Friday, 12 March 2010 @ 1:22pm

  186. 186: Rori RayeNo Gravatar says:

    Victoria…just keep doing what you’re doing. You’re miserable because you invested emotionally in this man for 6 months…it’s to be expected you’d feel this way. The trick is to NEVER get that emotionally and exclusively involved with a man until you have the commitment you want with him – whatever that is. And exclusivity is not that commitment. I don’t know what’s going on – but stepping away and getting busy with your own life and loves is the only way here – what’s going on with him doesn’t matter at all. Love, Rori

    Friday, 12 March 2010 @ 1:25pm

  187. 187: TinaNo Gravatar says:

    Lol, “why are you so happy?” cause your soooo cute! hehe, thanks Rori :)

    Friday, 12 March 2010 @ 1:46pm

  188. 188: Simply ShannonNo Gravatar says:

    Subscribing for now! Ack. It feels good to no longer be bound to media (gave up all access after 7pm for Lent) but I can’t keep up with the blog much anymore. Boo. I miss ya’ll!

    Friday, 12 March 2010 @ 2:18pm

  189. 189: JenniferNo Gravatar says:

    I was chatting with B on Msn.
    I say “I’m feeling random” he says Why
    I say “I’m having a hell of a time with the negative voices”
    he replies “I gotta go do the dishes”
    ok then
    big hint for me

    Friday, 12 March 2010 @ 5:14pm

  190. 190: VictoriaNo Gravatar says:

    Thank you Rori,
    I read these posts everyday…and they keep me from doing my usual MO of trying to call or email. I need to let him be and fill my life… without him and not invest in the idea he’ll be back.

    Friday, 12 March 2010 @ 5:31pm

  191. 191: TinaNo Gravatar says:

    Thank you, Jennifer. While I was walking the line, I thought Wow drunk people cant even do this test lol. Much later I thought well isn’t that the idea, I’m a dork Jennifer. I”ve never had to “walk the line” before :)

    Friday, 12 March 2010 @ 7:02pm

  192. 192: TinaNo Gravatar says:

    also I had to follow a pen back and forth with only using my eyes, no head movement and stand with one leg extended about a foot off the ground, out in front of me while counting 1001, 1002 , 1003 until he said it was ok to put my leg down, I was up to 1020 something, and it was leg day at the gym for me yesterday!

    Friday, 12 March 2010 @ 7:10pm

  193. 193: Natural GoddessNo Gravatar says:


    Thank you again for your kind words and encouragement. :-)

    Just after reading that part about “it’s not my expectations, but my focus,” I felt relieved, and I feel more confident that I CAN make this shift. I feel a little lighter about myself and the situation.

    I DO need to get some things off my chest, and I’m feeling really grateful this forum is here!
    Today I felt really triggered into a state of sadness,
    because a friend of mine said that what I told him,
    “I only want to have sex with someone when I feel honored and cherished,” pushed him away, and may have triggered him to reject me. Her take was that I was sending a message that he had to do “god knows what” to make me feel that way, and how could he know what that it? I felt sooo terrrible, and like “I’ll never get this relationship stuff right.”
    So, I’m wondering if I can get some feedback on this, I just though it was a feeling message but maybe I’m off?

    She caught me at a vulnerable moment, because after my date, I had several dreams about my father, and that triggered a lot of healing issues.I really wonder about that one…may say I can’t be with someone until I “heal” all of that, and yet it’s been something I’ve been working on for TEN godddamn years!!! I’ve come a long way, but jeez, I’m 30 and at this rate I could be 50 or 60 before I’m all “healed.” My father abused me on all levels you can imagine, and it’s been a long, hard road.

    I’m going to be transparent here and say that I’m a healer, psychic/spiritual adviser, but wow how humbling it is that I can’t clear what I’ve helped many others do. So sometimes I feel like a hypocrite. In one of the other posts, a few of the coaches here voiced that there is this societal expectation that an expert have it ALL together all the time. I feel very pressured by that sometimes,
    so to admit all this, I feel courageous and like I’m breaking through an old pattern or structure.

    Anyway, I really felt like a failure this whole day!
    being told I keep “attracting rejection” because of my “childhood issues” just made me feel devastated, invalidated, hopeless.
    I was crying so much, went for a bike ride, and on my way back, a really cute guy was walking by the park and smiled at me, said, “Hi, how are you?”
    He had such a GOOD energy about him, just full of life and mountainous vigor, and I found myself being inauthentic!!! I was in the midst of crying my eyes out, and when he asked me how I was, I gave him a quick smile and said “good.” Which was so not true!!! I felt in general I’ve come a long way in expressing my authentic feelings, and I felt so dissapointed in myself! Especially since I don’t often see a guy I’m attracted to.

    I watched him walk away, and even thought about turning back, catching him and saying, “I feel really terrible because I wasn’t being real when I said I was ‘good.”
    I am VERY intuitive and I honestly felt he would be TOTALLY RECEPTIVE to my vibe. Sometimes I just KNOW these things. And yet, I just let him keep walking. Ugggh. And he had such a cute beret on, he looked artsy, and felt so genuine. I feel like I missed a chance to meet someone great right in my neighborhood!

    So later I get to find out through a friend, my ex is REALLY happy with his new girlfriend,. This man has a lot of issues, but he seems to be working through them with her. Somehow that makes me feel like I’ve failed at something or not as good or as much as her.
    When I met him he was in the middle of a divorce and other stuff, and within a week of dating, I called him out on one of his habits. He was trashing his ex’s saying things like “she smelled bad,” and I just said, “When you talk about your ex’s that way, I feel upset, I feel unsafe, I feel worried that it will spill out into what we have and are creating.” He said he agreed, that it was “degrading,” but after that he shut down. We agreed to be friends and three weeks later, he met this girl at a party and said “she’s the one.” We tried to be friends but he totally flipped out on me, totally toxic behavior- like swearing at me and bashing me on every level.
    And yet what I hear through others, is that he’s totally devoted and getting healthy with her? How could this be? It just seems like he learned more of what was ok and what wasn’t with me, and SHE gets to benefit from how I helped him. I really WISH I could just be happy for them, but it seems so unfair,
    this guy who treated my like crap, is narcissistic, gets to have this wonderful woman by his side,
    while I am still alone. I know I may sound bratty, but I just need to get this out!! Two weeks before he was with her, he said he still had strong feelings for me, but could not be in a committed relationship until he worked through his divorce and dealt with his addictions. Wow, but I guess this woman is a miracle worker! More “special” somehow.
    And what’s worse is after the drama with him, I needed to back away from our mutual friends, and now she has totally buttered up to them, so not only did I lose him, but friends too.

    I have counseled so many friends, clients, helped others leave bad relationships and find true love! Even guys I was dating, like one guy ended up meeting his wife through me!!!!
    We were “hanging out,” I said, “I have to show you this store,” and there she was! He immediately pushed me away and ended up having a family with her.

    When is it MY turn?

    Saturday, 13 March 2010 @ 1:27am

  194. 194: JenniferNo Gravatar says:

    so this is interesting….

    Saturday, 13 March 2010 @ 6:21am

  195. 195: JenniferNo Gravatar says:

    TG…”there is often a payoff for staying stuck”
    I have often gone at issues for my friends with this idea.
    What is MY payoff?
    What would it look like if I was not this miserable?
    What would I have to give up to be the happy person I want to be?

    If I was not this miserable……it would look like….scary?

    What would I have to give up to be the happy person?

    Saturday, 13 March 2010 @ 6:32am

  196. 196: Erika AwakeningNo Gravatar says:

    Turtle Girl,

    You said this:

    “You know Some stuff takes a long time to heal. Assuming that we can even identify it and know what it takes to heal it. I have a friend who is still stuck on some of the same issues she has-TEN YEARS. That’s right-same shit-ten years later. She either does not want to do what it takes to heal them, does not know how to, both. I don’t know. There is often a payoff for staying stuck.”

    And I guess this hits the nail on the head of what is troubling me.

    This is why I’m feeling frustrated reading all the “he did this” “he did that.”

    It is NOT necessary for these things to take a long time to heal. All that is necessary is to make up our minds to heal it and then do something that actually works to heal the pattern.

    And you’re exactly right about why people don’t heal. There is some “secondary benefit” of staying stuck.

    For some people, a secondary benefit can be the support they receive from others when they talk about “he did this,” “he did that.”

    Which is fine if they are truly satisfied with just receiving that support and not actually seeing an improvement in their dating life.

    But who among us are truly, deeply satisfied by that?

    This is one of the issues my system addresses that I don’t see other systems addressing. One of the key aspects of my coaching is that we do the detective work to find out what secondary benefits are keeping us stuck, and then we have a conversation with our subconscious mind to reconcile the “inner conflict” so we can get unstuck.

    For example, many people claiming to want intimacy are actually terrified of it due to early life traumas relating to intimacy. So a big part of their mind says “no it’s not safe, safer to stay stuck.” Until that stuckness is acknowledged, we just go in circles.

    And that’s why I get frustrated and tired of reading “he did this” and “he did that.” Mostly cuz I don’t see it helping anyone get unstuck.


    Saturday, 13 March 2010 @ 6:37am

  197. 197: Erika AwakeningNo Gravatar says:


    You wrote this:

    “yeah it is the same stuff as months ago. I said here that I’m nearly obsessed.
    And that’s part of my issue. I HATE BEING THIS WAY…
    I’m totally using this forum to vent. I’m hoping if I can get it out of me…it will get out of me. Ya know?”

    And I was just going to respond and then saw your last post, and those were *exactly* the questions I was going to ask you! :)

    Right, so the key is understanding the benefits of being in the same place now as a month ago.

    What I find with myself and my clients is the subconscious mind is always at least ten steps ahead of the conscious mind.

    So it has already anticipated all the “bad” things that are going to happen if we get what we say we want.

    If intimacy was painful in our childhood, for example, you can be sure the subconscious mind will “protect” us by keeping us at arm’s length from intimacy. But we often won’t consciously understand what’s going on.

    This will manifest in “he did this” and “he did that” (e.g., he didn’t call, etc.)

    But truthfully it’s just a reflection of our own fear.

    So we need to understand what we are afraid of, and whether we are substituting one form of attention (such as on a support site) for the kind of attention we really want. Like, if this improved for me, would I lose my female support system because they’d be jealous of my success? Etc.

    We write down a long list of fears of failure and fears of success, and all associated childhood memories. Then we clear all that out. Once it is all cleared, the subconscious mind is usually able to take a previously impossible “quantum leap”

    This is what I fondly call a MIRACLE :)

    – Erika

    Saturday, 13 March 2010 @ 6:51am

  198. 198: JenniferNo Gravatar says:

    hey Erica…
    I’m all over understanding the issues and the fears.
    I have an alchohlic father which = not present.
    I have a couple of “bad touch” cousins which = not safe with men
    I thought I was over all that. I did.
    But when B changed his bank account and put his mother on the paperwork to go into the military I FREAKED!
    Then I didn’t get the emergency number for his unit, then he could have put me on the paperwork and didnt then he applied for an apartment and didn’t tell me..
    So it all feels like not being taken care of.
    Which is a theme with me. And causes me to freak out!!!!!
    My father didn’t take care of me…he got into a car accident and was in the hospital for months, leaving me with my aunt and her heroin addicted husband who slapped my cousin Becky off of her chair in front of me. For eating wrong.
    That was the first time I ever felt that no body was coming to keep me safe. I was three going on four.
    Then the bad touch cousins…nobody came to make me safe.
    the list goes on of times I wasn’t safe.
    But again…I thought I was all over that.
    Then B goes and does his thing.
    So while I thought I was over it..I guess I’m not. and I’m ANGRY!!!!
    I always figured when you were in a comitted relationship you took care of each other. I certainly feel i did my part….and got screwed over for my trouble.
    So ANGRY!
    Maybe I should see my EFT lady this week. Rieke works is Thurs as well…the last time I got my chakras unblocked so that seemed to help.

    Saturday, 13 March 2010 @ 7:18am

  199. 199: Erika AwakeningNo Gravatar says:

    Yeah, sounds like EFT time.

    Even with EFT, though, people stay stuck unless they learn the tricks for resolving the subconscious conflicts.

    I know a woman, for example, who has used EFT on weight loss issues for years, and she’s getting heavier not lighter.

    Not resolving the core issues.

    Saturday, 13 March 2010 @ 8:02am

  200. 200: JeannetteNo Gravatar says:

    Rori, I just listened to ‘Modern Siren” and it was truly amazing. But, now I see how I over functioned in my 2 1/2 year long distance. Now I understand why he went away. Is there anything I can say now to bring him back? About my stupidity and desperation? I am only asking because he is a guy who is worth his weight in gold. I have not contacted him in over a week and neither have a heard much from him except for an email, forwarded about prayer and how praying for another is so essential (like that is what he is doing for me now , like ‘I pray that you will get what you want’ sort of prayer). Is there anything I can say Rori or is it the best tactic to just stay the heck a way and lean back harder than I ever knew how. What if he never shows up again? I need to learn how to let go of the fear, I mean REALLY let go. He may already be swept up in another relationship. Please let me know what I can do or should do at this point. I know first and foremost I need to take care of myself. I don’t know if I should pick up the phone or not IF he calls. I wonder if I should be a scarce commodity for a while….or used feeling messages. It’s very hard because he is such a nice man. I mean I have been with several Rori and he IS nice. Is there anything I can do to that I may have another opportunity here? I just want to do this right with him. Thanks Rori and thanks for Modern Siren!!

    Saturday, 13 March 2010 @ 8:48am

    Saturday, 13 March 2010 @ 9:05am

  201. 201: Rori RayeNo Gravatar says:

    Jeannette – this is a process – and it’s the fastest process I know. You actually change all these things you want to change about your reactions, your thoughts, your habits of leaning forward, and your ability to go deep inside yourself and become more expressive, open and trusting – by PRACTICING out in the field with men. This is why Circular Dating works. Not because it “gets you the guy” – but because it gives you a place – even for 5 seconds in line at Starbucks – to practice these kinds of changes. then – things just start to move for you. Love, Rori

    Saturday, 13 March 2010 @ 9:31am

  202. 202: Rori RayeNo Gravatar says:

    Erika – This is brilliant. Heartbeat brilliant. Love, Rori

    Saturday, 13 March 2010 @ 9:33am

  203. 203: Erika AwakeningNo Gravatar says:

    Awww, thanks, Rori.

    I just saw your comment to Jeannette and was going to jump off of it …

    I chuckled when Rori said “in the field” because that’s how we call it on the men’s side of the coaching world. They go out “in the field” to practice interacting with women.

    (And, yes, believe it or not, the men you are dating have just as many problems as we women. Really and truly.)

    The “in field” world is called “outer game.” The internal work of becoming more self-loving and self-accepting and strong is called “inner game.”

    What I’ve found to be absolutely THE most effective method of change is to take the “outer game” aspects of a system you like, Rori’s being awesome, and then combine it with deeper “inner game” work, which is what I specialize in.

    I have my clients go out in field and challenge their comfort zone, which inevitably brings to the surface a lot of discomfort and limiting beliefs. Then we apply my system to clearing all the emotional debris that got stirred up and erase the limiting beliefs, then they go back out in the field, and what seemed difficult before has suddenly become a lot easier. A lot more comfortable, a lot more natural, and lot more organic feeling.

    People just start feeling WAY better about themselves, and expecting more from the world, and getting it.

    Rinse and repeat, leading to miraculous results :)

    – Erika

    Saturday, 13 March 2010 @ 9:41am

  204. 204: Orna WaltersNo Gravatar says:

    Brava Erika!

    I’m so happy to hear about your work as it is exactly the work my husband and I do.

    The outer won’t change much if the inner work is not addressed. What is so cool is that doing the Inner Work allows those “miracles” to happen QUICKLY!

    I’m impressed with SPEED… so I like to deliver efficient, effective and authentic results.

    I’m so happy you are here to support positive change.

    Big Hug,

    Saturday, 13 March 2010 @ 1:16pm

  205. 205: Orna WaltersNo Gravatar says:

    This may be very helpful to all the Goddesses here: Anything we do not consciously reject is automatically accepted by the subconscious.

    Saturday, 13 March 2010 @ 1:23pm

  206. 206: heartbeatNo Gravatar says:

    THANK YOU Rori xxxxxxxxxxxxxx

    Saturday, 13 March 2010 @ 3:26pm

  207. 207: mackenzieNo Gravatar says:

    Hi everyone,

    I’ve recently told my bf of 2 years that I am going to CD and just listened to Modern Siren as suggested by Rori. He has turned around and is paying more attention to me (although this is all very recent), but I’m trying to stick to the advice that this isn’t about keeping him or “getting” him but about finding my own happiness. I listen to Rori’s tapes (also have other programs of hers) over and over again not only for my own good but it keeps me from calling or emailing him by distracting me!

    Interesting, we were “stuck”. I never had any idea that being stuck was so common! Anyway, I’ve had some interesting thoughts out of all of this. I had blamed our stuckness on HIS emotional unavailabilty and even told him that. I now wonder if it was MY emotional unavailabilty that was blocking us. Maybe he is unavailable or maybe he isn’t. I won’t know that until I become available myself. Interesting!

    After trying out Rori’s tools for maybe a month or so, even though I’m still not sure I understand them fully, something very strange happened to me today. I was shopping and heard some music blaring in the store’s speakers and it moved me so much I just wanted to drop to my knees and I was trying hard not to cry. What was this??? I went out to my car and thought that I should try to feel these feelings to the fullest (“get into the soup”) even though I didn’t know where they came from or even what feelings they were (later, I decided the feelings were grief, for what I do not know) but the car was too hot and I felt silly there. But I kept telling myself to feel it bc Rori said if I could feel the grief, I will be able to feel the bliss and I want that for myself. I’m feeling like this is progress of some sort. It just came out of nowhere but maybe some of my defenses are down just from the little work I have done. How exciting for me!

    To all of you out there with bf’s that you miss or want to keep (that is what I am dealing with too), I urge you to just stick with it, try to make your life about you and your future happiness (stay on your bridge) and not about him. If he comes back and YOU want HIM, great. But just give it time and see what happens. Take it slowly. You don’t have to decide anything today. That is what I am doing. I decided that I did not have to make a decision about him one way or another until I felt like it and in the meantime I am going to date other people whether he likes it or not. The hard part for me is to stay focused on the fact that it might be someone else that ultimately makes me happy and not him since I hope that it is him.

    Saturday, 13 March 2010 @ 6:58pm

  208. 208: JeannetteNo Gravatar says:

    Help me out with this guys. I went out on a date with a guy tonight (second date) and he really acts like I’m the one….oh come on!! You don’t even have a clue as to who I am yet!! Anyway, I wanted to come home and call Mr. long distance who I was missing and ask him this. Okay buddy, you have told me several times it about the distance, it’s ABOUT THE DISTANCE…Well, how can it be if I volunteered to move down there? I mean, I am WILLING to give up everything and he still does not bite. Does that sound like it’s the distance? We have known ea. other a couple of years. Anyway should I confront him on that one or not?

    Saturday, 13 March 2010 @ 8:46pm

  209. 209: Erika AwakeningNo Gravatar says:

    hey Jeannette,

    Lol, more Goddess-ness on your second date :)

    On the topic of confrontation, I have noticed the perspectives on this board are really varied.

    A few years ago, I was the kind of person who really avoided confrontation. And a lot of people here say not to confront guys.

    But what I’ve noticed as I become more and more authentic and spontaneous is, it just happens. If I’m angry, I express it, right then, in the moment, no holds barred. Now, this does not always have a pretty immediate outcome. But I’m not doing it to try to get something from him. I’m doing it for myself, for the sake of authentic expression and finding the places in myself that still need to be harmonized (because anger is a really clear signal that something in my belief system is not in harmony).

    I also use it, kind of along the lines of what I think Orna was saying, to say “no” to what I don’t want.

    Now, sometimes this brings the man closer. Sometimes he runs away. To me, that short-term outcome is not important.

    What’s important is, I’m communicating honesty with myself. I’m no longer squelching myself to “please” other people or walk on eggshells around their issues.

    Short term this has given me mixed results, but I don’t care about short term results very much. Long term, I think it has really helped me. Now that I know I can express myself fully and still be very happy even if the guy walks away, I feel more confidence in my “yeses” and my “nos.” I feel more alive. I feel more in tune with what I really want.

    So I have become a pro-confrontation person. If it’s bothering me, I’m usually going to speak up, regardless of the outcome.

    In this situation, would you be able to speak up and let him go completely if he doesn’t give you what you want?

    Is there value for you (in terms of getting clarity about what you want) in having an open discussion with him?

    I’d be willing to bet a lot of money, given the long distance, that you’re actually not sure about him. The physical distance is a manifestation of the doubt.

    – Erika

    Saturday, 13 March 2010 @ 9:07pm

  210. 210: JeannetteNo Gravatar says:

    You are right Erika, I am not 100% sure that I would REALLY pull up stakes and move down there. However, I get tired of him saying ‘it’s the distance.’ I was sort of putting him to the test at the same time, I REALLY did want to continue the relationship with him however. 2 1/2 years is a long time. Now, I don’t hear from him but occasionally so I will have to assume he has moved on. A woman down there would have the advantage with him because she is physically close to him. It makes me feel defeated. The only thing that could possibly happen is he miss our times together and phone calls. We certainly had intense chemistry or it would not have lasted as long as it did. But I am jealous of any woman that may be in his arms tonight, really….

    Saturday, 13 March 2010 @ 9:22pm

  211. 211: GeorgiaNo Gravatar says:

    Daria, wish u willing to do EFT with me on chatting online 😀

    Saturday, 13 March 2010 @ 10:28pm

  212. 212: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Georgia that feels exciting lets do it.

    Email me at magicgoddessmedicinewoman@gmail.com

    Sunday, 14 March 2010 @ 12:51am

  213. 213: mackenzieNo Gravatar says:

    I almost forgot why I was really writing. I’m confused about the free therapy thing. I’m dating people but don’t understand what they are bringing me for lessons. Mostly, they bore me and I wish I wasn’t there. It makes me wonder if I really do want a relationship with someone. The last one (last night) texted me every hour up until our first date, called me twice on the way home and has been texting me and emailing me today. That lesson was easy. He’s too needy and I don’t want that! But, the other dates and potential dates all confuse me. None of them excited me with their emails or phone calls. Should I go out with them anyway? Should I go out with them a second time if I’m bored on the first date? A third time? So far, I’ve only been giving guys one date and then I say no more because I don’t feel any sparks.

    I’m confused.

    Sunday, 14 March 2010 @ 5:53am

  214. 214: mackenzieNo Gravatar says:

    Erika, I am in the exact same boat. My guy moved away and I have to face the fact that if he wanted me there he would be asking me to move there too. If he isn’t asking you he doesn’t want you to move. The distance is just his best, easiest excuse. Don’t you want to have a guy that is BEGGING you to move there with him? Who calls you all the time and tells you that he misses you SO much and please come be with me? I say forget the confrontation because it really is NOT about the distance. Circular date, LEAN BACK and see what happens. Maybe he comes around and maybe he doesn’t but right now he does not want you to move and it doesn’t matter what the reason is. The only possible way that he will want you to is to follow Rori’s advice and focus on yourself. He may come around and he may not but either way you will find the right guy.

    Sunday, 14 March 2010 @ 6:04am

  215. 215: mackenzieNo Gravatar says:

    I meant Jeannette. Need more coffee :-)

    Sunday, 14 March 2010 @ 6:29am

  216. 216: JeannetteNo Gravatar says:

    Mackenzie, you rock girl. And i already know these things in my heart. I am going to do my EXTREME best now to focus on me.. Oh incidentally, I went out last night with a real sweet guy. But, it was only our second date and he kept putting his hand on my leg and even rubbed it a couple of times while sitting in the movie theater. It gave me the heebie, geebies! I had to tell him it made me feel uncomfortable and please ask me before you do that. But, maybe I was just overreacting. Maybe I am just not ready to let another guy put his hand there! Me and my long distance now have a sort of friendship, I mean he calls sometimes but, I think I need to just stop answering the phone and take my power back. How long does it take Mackenzie to unbreak your heart when you have been so humiliated in giving so much and in the end being so rejected in the long distance thing? It still uttererly devastes me and to think he probably does not even care.

    Sunday, 14 March 2010 @ 6:43am

  217. 217: Erika AwakeningNo Gravatar says:


    No worries!

    So you say “The distance is just his best, easiest excuse.”

    When I work with myself and others, I do turnarounds.

    “The distance is just my best, easiest excuse.”

    Now why is it I’m only feeling safe with intimacy if he is far away, and when he decides to move to me (as you one guy did), everything goes haywire?

    Because of MY fears. So I dig down and understand those fears, and maybe I remember that I had to put a LOT of physical distance between myself and my family because living with them felt sooooo awful. Ah, now we must dissolve that old karma before ANY intimate relationship can work out.

    I used to have a triangulation pattern, too, where other women were constantly showing up and interfering in my relationships. That’s another old karmic pattern from my family. I erased it, and it doesn’t happen anymore.

    I personally find it debilitating to think of any of this as “he’s just not that into me.” What has worked is finding the root of my own fears (the internal energies I was using to push men away) and applying my system to erase those from my subconscious mind.

    Each layer of fear that is removed, men move closer and more miracles happen.


    Sunday, 14 March 2010 @ 7:59am

  218. 218: Erika AwakeningNo Gravatar says:

    I meant “as one guy did” — something that happened to me a while back. I was getting what I wanted, he was coming to me, and THAT is when things got really scary 😉

    Sunday, 14 March 2010 @ 8:01am

  219. 219: Turtle GirlNo Gravatar says:


    I love your comments about your anger. In the Ideal world I believe if I am really grounded and my “issues” are resolved, I would not get angry from anything a man said or did. I would simply be able to respond with my truth and feel that if he is not pleasing me then I can be in touch with my needs, make a decision about what I want and need and how to handle it with him.

    I am not able to do that yet. Still healing. My last angry outburst was what ran him off. However having said that-it is just as well. He is not for me. He can not handle any kind of a womens feelings, much less anger. My old bf who really cared for me would come back after my anger and try and talk to me and wanted for it to work. This last ex man
    is very toxic and any emotion I had scared him shit less. So it really is a dance. I love the thing about you can’t say the wrong thing to the right person.

    So if they care for you and want you there-your anger should not scare them off. If so, then good.
    Having said that I still think a calm response and then a calm talk or decision about needs is in order and desired as optimal. Anger is a good warning bell that something is wrong and very needed. This is a big topic.

    Sunday, 14 March 2010 @ 9:11am

  220. 220: Orna WaltersNo Gravatar says:

    If ya’ll don’t mind, I’ll chime in here that I can relate exactly to what Erika is saying here.

    My first relationship after my bf beat me up was a long distance one – the guy was in Hawaii. I can look back now and see that I felt safe that he was an ocean away.

    I can even think of times with my husband (when we were dating) when I was afraid to share something – and feeling that old fear I knew I had to get to the other side of it – so I dared to share what I thought would push him away. It actually brought us closer because I was standing in my truth and being authentic.

    Sunday, 14 March 2010 @ 9:13am

  221. 221: JeannetteNo Gravatar says:

    Turtle girl, I am totally with you. My ex could not handle my emotions. It was tough at times because of the distance. He would be discreet and say this is just the way I am….Anyway, and I know it’s not for me to analyze, however, I just wonder now if he was just saying that because he still had very strong feelings for his ex-wife or he really just was discreet as a whole. But, that does not make for good communication at all. He told me once, early on, that he HATES to hurt other peoples feelings. Well, maybe he was just afraid to tell me the total truth for fear I’d slit my wrist or something. What ever the case, I just need to give up trying to understand the logistics because it is what it is as they say……I just know today though, that it’s far more noble to tell the truth than to string someone along.

    Sunday, 14 March 2010 @ 9:22am

  222. 222: mackenzieNo Gravatar says:

    I agree with what you are saying about the LD thing. But, in my case he moved after we had dated for 2 years and when he didn’t ask me to move with him is when I realized we were having an “imaginary relationship” and I bought Rori’s tapes. So the distance is not about feeling safe for me. I hate the LD thing and, like Jeanette, I’d love to move there with him. I think HE is the one feeling safe now. Probably bc I was doing way too much leaning forward before.

    But something Erika just said hit a nerve. She’s right, I’m not sure this is about “he is just not that into me”. He IS into me. He spends a lot of money to visit me and if he wasn’t into me I don’t think I’d hear from him at all. So this whole thing is weird. He’s into me but he doesn’t want the whole thing.

    I am going to do two things: focus on me/raise my difficulty level and see what happens. But, I have to keep remembering that my goal isn’t to get HIM, but for me to be happy with whatever relationship I end up in (underneath it all I still want HIM).

    And secondly, I think Erika is right that I have my own family history problems that make me emotionally unavailable and I need to figure out how to be more available to let him or someone else get closer. I’m not entirely clear on how to do that. I’m trying to use Rori’s feeling tools.

    It’s entirely possible that my bf is into me but just can’t get closer bc of ME. That is a somewhat comforting thought bc it doesn’t mean that he doesn’t care. Jeanette, maybe the same for your sitatuation? He cares but can’t get close to you?

    But then, if I let him in, HE may get scared, right? Because of HIS issues. I’m suspicious that my unavailabilty is why he stays with me…it makes HIM safe. Am I getting too deep here?

    Rori has helped me a lot because she gave me the idea that I don’t have to worry whether he comes back, stays, can emotionally relate to me, etc. If I am circular dating I can still try for those things but protect myself from being devastated when it doesn’t work out (because I have other guys to make me feel good or I find someone else). I can do all this WHILE he and I are figuring out if we can have the kind of relationship that I want. Before, I thought I had to break up with him – choose. Now I can see if things can work out AND date other people and I’m feeling more relaxed about him.

    Sunday, 14 March 2010 @ 9:39am

  223. 223: LindaNo Gravatar says:

    I have been reading the posts. I feel utterly overwhelmed. Logically I can follow some of the things that are being shared. I have done some deep soul searching over the last year. Worked on lots of issues one by one. Tweeked and remodeled me inside and out.

    The biggest thing that I had to work on was self esteem. I see and think and speak of myself totally differently than I used to. My on again off again relationship with S (the man I chose to walk away from 2 weeks ago) put that to the test. He said I was what he needed and more, but not what he wanted….. fine I am not going to be anywhere where I was not wanted. There were other reasons I left, but the biggest two were he habitually lied, was deceitful and he was not giving me what I needed.

    The idea that there is something subconcsiously in me that caused this to happen or I attracted this in my life just does not compute. I can not even do the turn around that Erika suggests to find what is in me that needs to be cleared out

    I totally have to drop this in his lap. I am not passing the buck or burying my head in the sand about me.


    Sunday, 14 March 2010 @ 11:45am

  224. 224: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    I see the mirror thing and looking at ourselves the same as men being messengers

    Sunday, 14 March 2010 @ 12:28pm

  225. 225: Erika AwakeningNo Gravatar says:

    Yeah that resonates, Daria, but it still leaves open the question whether his ‘message’ is about him or us.

    I always made it about him until I noticed that I kept attracting the same kind of guys and the same crappy feeling situations. I was giving my power away by making it about him.

    When I started taking full responsibility, everything started improving dramatically.

    Sunday, 14 March 2010 @ 12:43pm

  226. 226: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    The message is always about us. What triggers us, what we don’t want, what we do what, what us usus ususususususss.

    Sunday, 14 March 2010 @ 12:49pm

  227. 227: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    the only way its about him is when its about him To us.

    like… oh i felt sucky with him… hmm i was accepting sucky behavior… ok i dont want to accept sucky behavior… i dont like sucky behavior… thank u…

    or deeper… am i talking this sucky way to myself? am i embracing my sucky self and the self of me that is accepting sucky ness?

    or … what else does this trigger…

    or… where is this in my body… what IS this… ? what is the Stranger that IS this look like?

    or what is the sensing look like – ? http://www.focusing.org/sixsteps.html

    Sunday, 14 March 2010 @ 12:55pm

  228. 228: AliceNo Gravatar says:

    Wow – I’m new here. Just got Rori’s eBook and her Targeting Mr. Right program. (Rori – I love the sound of your voice – it’s so calming and supportive!) Still floundering a bit on how to put everything into action.

    Question – I know you’re supposed to get the guy to come to you, but one guy I know loves to cook. So he buys all the groceries, cleans up his house and cooks me gourmet meals with all his specialized kitchenware etc. After dinner/sex, he gets up and makes me dessert. I do drive home afterwards, but it feels like he’s putting out most of the energy. He even ran out to my car to get my coat so I could put it on before I went out the door because I was cold. I wouldn’t have thought to even ask him that! But is my going over there still contributing to him not feeling like he’s pursuing enough?

    Do I just offer to order pizza at my place next time and consider that enough of a drip back towards him?

    Sunday, 14 March 2010 @ 1:09pm

  229. 229: LindaNo Gravatar says:

    I took full responsibility of my life and have been learning by trial and error about 3 years ago. Stepping out of my passionless marriage after 29 years was the first step. We all have the opportinity to become better if we want to. That is what I chose.

    I have noticed over the years that people give themselves away. By that I mean, if you listen, level 2 or whatever you want to lable it people reveal themselves. They will confess to you usually what their deep hidden self loathed inadequacies are. It usually is not straightforward and that is why listening is so important. Messages are everywhere. Training our hearts to hear them is vital.

    S message to me was about him and his inner conflict and fear. What did I do to attract that to me? I dont know. I think I was the first authentic woman he has ever met and that is what he desires to be most of all. That is all I can come up with.


    Sunday, 14 March 2010 @ 2:14pm

  230. 230: Erika AwakeningNo Gravatar says:


    When I first read Byron Katie’s work about five years ago or so, I was super frustrated by her whole “turnaround” concept. When I did the turnarounds, they did not feel “true.” I got so frustrated that I left her work behind for quite a while.

    I’m really a pragmatist at heart. I want results, not just pithy self-help axioms. So I’ll give an example of how I recently worked through one of these myself, the same way I do with a client.

    A man showed up in my life who had many wonderful qualities but also had a side of him that Rori would say is “toxic.” Turns out he had been bullied as a child by his dad, and he has not resolved that stuff within himself, which resulted in tremendous volatility and unreliability. Ultimately, enough was enough.

    Now, obviously I don’t want to attract that energy pattern again. So what do I do?

    I have found two questions to be very useful:

    1. What does this remind me of?

    This particular situation reminded me a lot of my mother’s bullying and volatility. That means I have an energy pattern within me from my childhood that will keep repeating until I get it cleared out of my cellular/DNA matrix.


    2. Where in my life am I doing what I say I don’t like to someone else (and/or have I done so in the past)?

    The answer to this one may not be obvious, but if I am honest and search myself carefully, I’ll find a place where I did to someone else what he did with me.

    Ok, now I apply Holistic Belief Reprogramming to whatever I dug up.

    Consistently, when I do this, I will erase an entire toxic pattern from my cellular/DNA/subconscious matrix, and that particular pattern will never show up again. That type of man and that type of behavior simply won’t show up anymore.

    This is how I have healed my life, one issue at a time.

    – Erika

    Sunday, 14 March 2010 @ 2:52pm

  231. 231: TinaNo Gravatar says:

    My understanding of being/feeling stuck is that we get caught between our masculine and feminine energy (feeling stuck)

    Sunday, 14 March 2010 @ 4:10pm

  232. 232: JeannetteNo Gravatar says:

    I have a thought. I have been on two dates with a man and he is showing an awful lot of interest, but it’s scaring me. Like he is already saying, “Wow I just can’t believe I met you and how we are into this conversation and having soooo much in common. I feel like he is going to try to make me ‘all his’ right away. So, when is the appropriate time to tell a man that I can’t be all his and he has share. LOL that sounds crazy, especially for me to say!! But, I am not going to let him call the shots here..

    Sunday, 14 March 2010 @ 4:20pm

  233. 233: TinaNo Gravatar says:

    Jeannette, This is a perfect time to do some free therapy :)

    Sunday, 14 March 2010 @ 4:35pm

  234. 234: LindaNo Gravatar says:


    WHy does it scare you? interesting choice of words. Pandoras box is possibly waiting.

    It has been my experience numerous times that a guy I met and dated once or more than once would come on strong like this. I just listened and l thanked, even agreed some times. Let time do its work. Every one of these come on strong guys just disappeared or faded. I did not choose to get to excited or… worried about any of them. Kinda like a new toy at christmas. It gets lots of attention initially and then things settle back to a state of normal

    I am not trying to negate his attentions toward you but instead offering you a calm voice to say dont put lots of energy into this yet.

    HUgs… Linda

    Sunday, 14 March 2010 @ 6:08pm

  235. 235: JenniferNo Gravatar says:

    hey Linda…
    That sounds like something my Nan told me. She’s 97 so I listen to everything she says. Unfortunatly I dont always apply it.
    She said “a man will always tell you the evil he would do…if you listen hard enough”

    Sunday, 14 March 2010 @ 6:09pm

  236. 236: TinaNo Gravatar says:

    So if the man is my mirror, does that mean I attract repressed angry men? All my life I’ve been around repressed angry people, growing up yeah taking it out on me , I had no choice in the matter, the men in my life have one or two things in common ANGER hm interesting. HOLY SHIT SHERLOCK GET A CLUE ! Where is my emergancy flash light? does this make sense? anyone yoohooo…

    Sunday, 14 March 2010 @ 6:30pm

  237. 237: TinaNo Gravatar says:

    I always thought it was me, ok looking at it this way, I can see why they would be attracted to me because this what I am feeling oooooooh. I avoid or try to avoid anger or angry people. They are still attracted to me anyway, they slip in and try to “Fuck with me” I over compensate by being “overly nice” or giving the benefit of the doubt or dismissing my angry feelings or taking shots at people if not verbally, I;ll do it in my mind – just to make me feel better :)

    Sunday, 14 March 2010 @ 6:54pm

  238. 238: LindaNo Gravatar says:


    They will tell you the good they will do too.

    Lets inspire the to be better by being the great women that hey aspire to have in their lives.


    Sunday, 14 March 2010 @ 7:03pm

  239. 239: LindaNo Gravatar says:

    Geeze… my typing skills are poo.

    Let’s inspire them to be better men by being the great women that they aspire to have in their lives and may I add… accept nothing less than their best.

    Sunday, 14 March 2010 @ 7:05pm

  240. 240: Rori RayeNo Gravatar says:

    Alice – sounds good, what you’ve got going there! Change this up by making your home comfortable, cozy and sexy, where you do things you can’t do elsewhere, like arts and crafts or whatever you like to do…and saying you’d love to have dinner at your house, would he like to cook with you? And ask how he’d like you to handle the groceries…give you a list, shop with you (that would be fun!) in other words, let him stay in charge of the experience if he wants, but make it about being in YOUR home and how good that would feel and how much fun it would feel to do it at your house. See what he says and does. Love, Rori…

    Sunday, 14 March 2010 @ 7:11pm

  241. 241: mackenzieNo Gravatar says:

    I have a question about the come on strong guys. I just went out with a guy that texted me bunches of times the day of the date leading up to the date, then called me twice on the way home – once to ask me to check my calendar for when I would be available to see him again. When I told him it would be a week, he thought I wasn’t serious. This made think he was too needy and not really serious about finding a “real” relationship or he would go slower and so I told him I didn’t want to go out again. Am I being scared? Or, am I recognizing Mr Bad much sooner? Back to my question of how many times to go out with someone if they are nice but no sparks? I’ve only gone out with one guy twice and everyone else once.

    Sunday, 14 March 2010 @ 7:21pm

  242. 242: Erika AwakeningNo Gravatar says:

    Yes, Tina, exactly …

    And then comes the realization (for me at least, this is what happened) …

    The realization that intimacy in my family of origin was HELL.

    And that my subconscious mind made a decision years ago that enough was enough, and that intimacy was to be avoided at all costs. This decision of course not made consciously.

    So while my conscious mind sought intimacy, my subconscious mind fought it tooth and nail.

    OF COURSE it did. All the evidence in my life said intimacy felt AWFUL. It was TRYING TO PROTECT ME.

    When intimacy managed to creep in anyway, it always defaulted to those AWFUL FEELING PATTERNS, because that’s the only kind of intimacy my mind knew how to create. It felt familiar but awful.

    So unless someone or something helped me completely reprogram all those old patterns, my situation was HOPELESS. It got so bad at one point that I wasn’t even having any second dates.

    And then … by some miracle … at my lowest moment several years ago … after about two weeks straight of crying and total despair … Rori told me about EFT. And it was that very week that everything began to change for me, one baby step at a time.

    Sunday, 14 March 2010 @ 8:12pm

  243. 243: Turtle GirlNo Gravatar says:

    IMHO guys who come one too strong too soon always fizzle out or are scary abusers of some kind. Normal men do not jump in that fast with both feet. It takes time to get to really know someone.

    My last two toxic guys were like that. The first one said “I love you” in two weeks and wanted to get married in about three. It was insane. I had not had a date prior for 7 years so very needy, affection starved and vulnerable. He ended up being extremely verbally abusive, and a host of other nasty stuff. I dumped him.
    Then most recent toxic ex wanted GF status in two weeks-he ended up being passive aggressive, toxic, etc. I got rid of him three months ago. Since then I have been circular dating like crazy and things have gotten much much better. More normal men with good messages are showing up. I am not invested in any of them. I am taking it slow and seeing who I want to be with, not the other way around.

    I know now and have read many books since on the topic-guys who come on strong are a big red flag.
    They could be real needy, toxic or abusive. Which is why they want to wrap it up real quick so you don’t get to know them and notice who they really are at a safer distance. Sex with them makes us bond and then we are in trouble. Not good, no matter how you slice it.

    Sunday, 14 March 2010 @ 8:22pm

  244. 244: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    Erika! This is so good and remarkable to read! During a horrible two hour drive home tonight I realized that I have had an unconscious belief “Relationships are all about pain and unhappiness” — ALL relationships, not just “romantic” ones. I was stunned when I realized this — it was such a powerful, emotional reality that hit me — because I never CONSCIOUSLY thought that before. I am so surprised and encouraged to hear that you have worked through almost the same exact thing.

    Sunday, 14 March 2010 @ 8:23pm

  245. 245: Erika AwakeningNo Gravatar says:

    Lucy, yeah that’s a big mega-sabotaging belief that lots of us have been carrying around (“love is pain”).

    Right around the same time period I mentioned in that post, in the span of ONE week, FOUR different guys I was interested in told me, “sorry, Erika, I just got a girlfriend and can’t date you.”


    Can we say “triangulation pattern”?

    Now, I was utterly distraught and beyond frustrated. I pretty much hated God at that point.

    But how could I make that about HIM? There were FOUR of him, all that the same time.

    Could the Universe be sending me any clearer message that “Erika, this is not about HIM. This is about YOUR fears of intimacy.”

    Sunday, 14 March 2010 @ 9:02pm

  246. 246: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    Erika — This is all very interesting.

    Three weeks ago, my communication with a long-distance guy ended abruptly. Here’s how it ended: we had three separate email convos going about three slightly different topics. So, it was my “turn,” and I responded to all three emails. Then, he responded to ONE of my emails, saying this:

    ‘Sorry, having a really crazy day so not much time to write. But I do think what you wrote here makes a lot of sense. Your unconscious definition of love is something like “I want it, but I can’t have it”. So, if it’s too close to what you would really want, you have to find a way to sabotage it, unconsciously of course. That way you can still feel innocent about it. :)

    I didn’t respond, was waiting to see how he would respond to the other two emails, which were about slightly different things. But he didn’t write any more. I kept waiting. I started to think, well, maybe it is my turn to write b/c he WAS the last one to write. But that email didn’t really have anything to respond to in it, so to “lean back” I would not respond. So I didn’t. I kept thinking maybe he would write again when he didn’t hear from me. But now it has been almost three weeks, so I tell myself “I guess he’s done with me. If he was really still interested, he would have contacted me to see what’s up.” So I have been “letting go” — even though I liked him more than any guy in 25 years! (and the “sabotage” he was referring to was my long-ago college fiance who was amazing and fun and loved me but I broke up with him to sleep with a married man!??!!)

    And this guy pointed out to me a few months ago that sometimes I stop communicating with him for a few days or a week, when shame has been triggered in me, and he just waits for me to work through it and re-establish contact with him when I’m ready.

    SO, like I said, I’ve been assuming that this guy is done with me, has moved on, found a gf, or whatever — and I have been letting go, just remembering him with fondness and love. BUT now I’m starting to wonder if it was really ME who “decided” (unconsciously) to cut off because I was too happy with him.

    What do you think? Or am I just looking for a way to make it not be over? :)

    (Tonight I started your 7 day HBR video course — went through day 4 — with LOTS of sabatoging beliefs around relationships, the main one being basically that love brings unhappiness. AND that I always mess everything up. Great stuff! Thanks!)

    Sunday, 14 March 2010 @ 9:48pm

  247. 247: TinaNo Gravatar says:

    So am I challenging myself to see how much anger I can repress? I dont like feeling pushed around, I do let people push me around to see how far they will go or how far I will allow them to push.

    Sunday, 14 March 2010 @ 9:59pm

  248. 248: TinaNo Gravatar says:

    I”m sick ugh! My heart is closed, kinda sorta. I can open my heart though :) to love. I feel anxious now because my neighbor friend is online lol, my status is “available” so anxiety is a sign of repressed anger so I must be feeling angry?

    Sunday, 14 March 2010 @ 10:16pm

  249. 249: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    yeah TINA . I realize I REALLY don’t like when Dman or men in general talk about other women.

    Like with Dman and with my not yet named a special name ex I feel UNSAFE emotionally with them mostly triggered by this frequent talk about how some other woman flirted with them, etc

    and i was thinking it was ok yeah, something

    but now I reallize WHOA its IMPORTANT to me

    Sunday, 14 March 2010 @ 10:17pm

  250. 250: TinaNo Gravatar says:

    He’s the one that noticed I gained weight lol. not that my weight is the issue, just his jabs he takes at me. He triggers me quite a bit. My thoughts, ideas, whatever he has opinions , quite negative opinions really about my success or lack of, my dreams and things. He comes on smooth as peanut butter then sticks it to me :) repressed anger? mine?

    Sunday, 14 March 2010 @ 10:20pm

  251. 251: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    I really like disc 1 of modern siren and had Dman all “into” me energetically and was able to feel the lost at sea and waving and communicate my feelings cleanly and cutely without attakcing

    even OOOH I FEEL SO MAD… hehee

    Sunday, 14 March 2010 @ 10:21pm

  252. 252: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    i felt mostly good throughout the looong long call and kept leaning back energetically. and staying in my feelings.

    but at the very end after it i felt drained… it was like saying bye felt draining ick

    blah ick

    Sunday, 14 March 2010 @ 10:33pm

  253. 253: TinaNo Gravatar says:

    I would love to get Modern Siren :) I will soon, dont know when…

    Daria, it’s important to me too :) right now I feel like the Goddess of repressed angry men :)

    Sunday, 14 March 2010 @ 10:36pm

  254. 254: TinaNo Gravatar says:

    Actually I live in a community with angry repressed people, I feel like ‘children of the corn” movie playing in my head yikes!

    Sunday, 14 March 2010 @ 10:41pm

  255. 255: AliciaNo Gravatar says:

    Janette- In response to your long distance.. I have been in the same boat and I did research on “getting him back” – (google that) the advice is great and I found Rori. In the stage of the game you’re in. Trust me do not take his call. All that is your rejection talking, people take for granted what that have until it’s gone. Create that same feeling in him. Also check out. Why men love bitches.. it will empower you. And men respond to no contact.. TRUST ME. I tried it, tested it and it worked. But he doesnt want to feel you are all disappointed and like he failed you. If anything let him call and call and then respond with a text some time days later.. “Wow.. I guess things really happen for a reason, some amazing things are happening. You know what?” – and then leave him guessing. Give him the hunt that he wants, it’s in his DNA..

    Monday, 15 March 2010 @ 12:38am

  256. 256: GeorgiaNo Gravatar says:

    Erika I need your help and many thanks in advance :)

    I tried to do EFT these two days, I tried everything on it and found my root problem.

    That is when my dad left me when I was 7 and I am attracted to guys who has the same background like mine, lack of parental love, lack of confidence etc.

    The EFT do helps a lot to calm my previous fears. but something weird happened that I feel uncomfortable and I feel like I lost something inside. its like there’s a gap to the previous good feelings.

    What is it mean? is it mean I need to reprogram all?
    or is it mean the root problem is raking up and it blocked my way? if that so, means I need to eliminate it completely? I feel confused

    Thanks Rori

    Monday, 15 March 2010 @ 1:34am

  257. 257: GeorgiaNo Gravatar says:

    Erika I need your help and many thanks in advance :)

    I tried EFT these few days and found my root problem.

    That is when my dad left me when I was 7. And I found out I am attracted to guys who has the same background like mine, lack of parental love, lack of confidence etc.

    EFT do helps me a lot, it calms my fears. but something weird happened after I found my root problem, I feel uncomfortable and feel lost something inside. I feel like there’s a gap to my previous good feelings.

    What does it mean? Is it mean I need to reprogram all? or Is it mean the root problem now is raking up and blocked my way? If that so I need to eliminate it completely? I feel really confused.

    Thanks Rori

    Monday, 15 March 2010 @ 1:42am

  258. 258: GeorgiaNo Gravatar says:

    oops I didn’t see my post. I though its not working and I typed again 😀

    Monday, 15 March 2010 @ 1:46am

  259. 259: TrizaNo Gravatar says:

    Loving everyone’s posts here…really helpful…hugs

    Monday, 15 March 2010 @ 3:40am

  260. 260: LindaNo Gravatar says:

    Ericka. Thank you for the explanation. It seems a bit clearer to me now. I suppose that if we look hard enough we can find something that someone is doing that reminds is of what we have experienced before. I could have been repeating patterns that I experienced and lived as a child but it was quite an concerted effort I put into breaking those patterns. It was not until I met one man that I gave myself fully in a relationship and once I got a taste of that I want to live like that all the time and am looking for the real deal in my relationships. I feel I can create and inspire others to give and love like that. It has to be modeled and experienced.

    Lucy… something you said is LIGHT BULB. The letter that was written to and the lines…… Your unconscious definition of love is something like “I want it, but I can’t have it”. So, if it’s too close to what you would really want, you have to find a way to sabotage it, unconsciously of course. That way you can still feel innocent about it.

    WOW that is the exact thing I have been dealing with from my last romantic partner. He would come so close and has had a pattern of this for a year now. I have not gotten offened until the last time and walked away from him. It usually isn’t long before he is back, trying to talk to me. For a while I thought that he was just confused, now I see that he is so eaten up with his fear and stuff that works really hard at breaking things down. This time he got is wish. But…. he wrote me the other day and I just wrote back. He wanted to know what the answer was…. to a questions about Gods will. I simply replied, I cant find the answer by myself.

    I feel good about this this morning. I know I attract people that have issues, I have all my life. This does not concern me because this is a part of the purpose of my life. To help others find healing. So when I attract this, I dont panic and look inside me worring that I got the same issue.

    We have giftings all of us do.


    Monday, 15 March 2010 @ 4:02am

  261. 261: LindaNo Gravatar says:

    I am very glad to have read the letter posted by Lucy Very glad.

    I am so happy when something finally makes sense. I am so much stronger having gone thru this. I will never put up with the behavior that I did from S. If he tries to come back into my life, he wont get in without major changes from him. That remains to be seen if that happens. I will deal with that if it happens.

    I feel a sense of peace this morning. Like I went thru a dark tunnel and not sure what was in there.


    Monday, 15 March 2010 @ 4:38am

  262. 262: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    Erika – What happened with your Marketing Genius guy? Was he the same one who was staying at your apartment?

    Are you feeling any better this week than you were last week?


    Monday, 15 March 2010 @ 5:48am

  263. 263: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    Linda- I’m glad you found that helpful. :)


    Monday, 15 March 2010 @ 5:49am

  264. 264: JenniferNo Gravatar says:

    Hmmm….I feel wierd about limiting beliefs.
    Not wierd like “they dont’ exist” wierd like “I know that it’s there and I was sure I delt with it and if I didn’t and it’s an issue and I feel like an idiot.”
    And I’m having a hard time with the idea that B’s behaviour was reflective of my issues. I feel like that’s letting him off the hook somewhat. And I don’t buy that.
    I can accept that I attracted a man with issues. Sub atomic Physics being what it is. But I really feel that as an adult B not only had choice, but a responsibility to treat me well as the man who said he loved me and told me he was coming back for me so we could move away together.
    Changing his bank account, lying to me and putting his mother on the paperwork is not the behaviour of a man who means what he just said.
    So…in the intrests of personal growth. My core issue is “men will hurt you, it’s not safe to be a woman.”
    I get triggered by this alot. Outside of relationships as well as in. Recently the Commander of the Air Base here was arrested for the murder of two women. One woman worked with him. That triggered me HUGE!
    This man had SUCH a position of trust. He was like the father figure for all the members and thier families on that base. For him to KILL one of his own troops. It’s unthinkable. And it’s was a sex thing. Because she was a woman.
    I feel very unsafe as a woman. Danger doesn’t look like danger, it wears a uniform of trust.
    ok….rant over.

    Monday, 15 March 2010 @ 6:27am

  265. 265: JenniferNo Gravatar says:

    Actually…rant not over
    sorry girls.
    I went to the psychic fair last night (yeah for fun!) I got a clairvoyant reading.
    The nice lady said that the guides were showing her a picture of me in a suit of armour.
    No one can get in cause if I’m wearing armour and riding around in a tank. As a “brass balled bitch” ( a term coined by a friend of mine) I attract men who want to be taken care of. So I need to work on my feminine balance. She said the guides were showing her yoga and dance.
    I used to dance. I did classical ballet. I was en point for three years. I’ve done latin dance too. That made me happy…lots of hip movement. Muy Callente.
    The guides also said that the idea that I could go back to school to upgrade would be very good for me.
    Interesting the convergence.

    Monday, 15 March 2010 @ 6:32am

  266. 266: Erika AwakeningNo Gravatar says:

    You ladies are inspiring me!

    I’m really wanting to start producing tap-a-long HBR videos on a regular basis covering “hot” topics.

    This morning, after reading some of the comments, I thought a fun one would be:

    “Even Though I’ve Been Angry My Whole Life (and didn’t even realize it) …”

    Lol :)

    Monday, 15 March 2010 @ 8:34am

  267. 267: KateNo Gravatar says:

    I hope my “Modern Siren” girlfriends can help me out here: I just broke up with someone that I have deep feelings for. We got along great, had super chemistry, he loved my ideas and creativity, loyalty and support that I gave him for the last year & 1/2 while he lost his job. We were BF/GF even though he now is admitting it. I always felt on guard with him since I never felt secure about whether he thought we were BF/GF. I had an opportunity to let him know about all of my “scaffolding” to avoid getting hurt yesterday after our “breakup” following Rori’s advice on how to talk to a man.
    If everything seemed right and going along at a good pace, why did he feel he could not go to the second level with me? What does the second level mean to a man and how does one get there? I thought I was doing everything right & meeting his needs/desires but I guess I read him wrong. I have a career and did not dog him the way some women do. We did not fight but got along fairly well.
    The “Commitment Blueprint” says stay away from him but I feel as if he is on the fence and doesn’t feel the connection right now, maybe he eventually will and if I stay away – he will forget about me. I know he wants to be in love with someone and not really looking for another person right now.
    Please help. I don’t know what to do from here.

    Monday, 15 March 2010 @ 10:01am

  268. 268: LindaNo Gravatar says:

    Well I got another email from S. It was entitled perplexed and bewildered. He declares that he that he feels no sexual chemistry with me and no physical passion. He continues to then lists all the ways we fit each other and the things that he loves and relishes about me and us. He ends with but after all the greatest thing between a man and a woman is the climax of intercourse. ( Um…. NOT ! It is good but just a part of life.) ….What good is it if I am not fully satisfied with all of you and you dont have all of me to be satisfied back?

    Fine, then go a way and leave me alone. Been there done that. Stop contacting me…Why do you keep questioning it OVER AND OVER and trying to come back? Why beat a dead horse?

    He keeps contacting me, not the other way around and I walked away from him the last time. I am not seeking a relationship with him although I do still have a deep knowing that what is now is not necessairly what will be.

    I believe strongly in healing of our inner selves so that we can have the relationship that we want. IT works both for men and women. I read Orna Walters sight intro. Matthew is a prime example. I believe that who I am is inspiring him to step out and free.

    I am totally leaned back he is the one bothered here.
    I believe that my dream that I have had more than once is prophetic. I do not know what I should do. Confrontation for one but the rest. hmmmm

    I feel strongly that is a prime example of what self sabatoging behavior is. I am not doing it HE is. Limited self belief abounds and Like the letter that Lucy shared… Your unconscious definition of love is something like “I want it, but I can’t have it”. So, if it’s too close to what you would really want, you have to find a way to sabotage it, unconsciously of course. That way you can still feel innocent about it. ‘

    It is not my place to fix him but what is my place?


    Monday, 15 March 2010 @ 10:56am

  269. 269: tinqueNo Gravatar says:

    Ignore him Linda. It’s not worth your time or energy. If a message from him comes in, delete it without even reading it.
    It seems as though there is still a little piece of you attached to this, him? something else? May I suggest you cut this thread.
    Your place is to keep doing what you are doing for yourself.
    Yes healing your inner self will attract the relationship you want or inspire one who is already there to heal, IF that person wants that for him/herself and has the courage to do so.
    In my case I began the intense healing first, and K took my lead, maybe unconsciously, maybe not, yet through our processes we both healed so much and have grown, as individuals and as a couple.
    And we continue to grow and heal, alone and as a couple.

    Monday, 15 March 2010 @ 11:13am

  270. 270: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    Linda — “What is my place?” For me, “my place” is loving and accepting myself, and learning to love and accept myself more every day.

    One thing that has helped me SO much with that recently has been going through “The Presence Process” by Michael Brown. The guy who wrote me that email you quoted was the one who steered me toward Brown’s work. I have done healing work all of my life, but The Presence Process offered some things that were a little different and went a little deeper, uncovering some areas still in need of awareness, and providing the means for transformation. I went through it last fall and am getting ready to go through it again.

    You can order it on amazon.com. I HIGHLY recommend it as a complement to Rori’s work.

    Monday, 15 March 2010 @ 11:17am

  271. 271: EarthdancerNo Gravatar says:

    Face of Love: Today I dare to be ME. I show myself for who I am, without masks, and know that in this willingness to be authentic and true I can be loved and accepted for who I am. I seek to be no less than myself….wow, this is powerful…

    Monday, 15 March 2010 @ 1:17pm

  272. 272: AliciaNo Gravatar says:


    I don’t see anything on the blog that answers this. What if you broke up with him, because you were scared, going thru a hard time and now want him back? He is someone I feel open too, but is it too late?

    I’m new to your site. Here is my question, I had a good values,hot, great guy. In the third month things were feeling great, he was still very pro active with compliments and telling me how good he felt around me. But, with the economy and hard times last year we were both laid off and he had to move 2 hours away, shortly after we started dating. We continued to see each other. I also had to move home and lost my job and I felt like I was needing him too much becuase everything around me was rapidly changing.
    However, He was very supporitve and told me he was there for me. We had not reached a commited status and when he pulled back a little bit, and with the stress I was under, I got scared and I dumped him. He asked me to tell him what he could do to make it work. But, the timing was just not right and I was firm about it. He then agreed and thought the distance might become an issue. He still wanted to keep trying but take things slow and I pushed him away. But, being a girl, I changed my mind once reality of not being together set in, and now he was hurt and pushing me away.

    We tried to be friends and would text and email each other and it did help at first. However, now I realize this HUGE mistake I made by emailing each other, over all this time. (sometimes personal and sometimes funny forwards). But now it’s been well over six months since we last saw each other. A month ago he said he missed me, my personality and body and hoped to see me this year.. I feel like I am now in a much better place in my life :) I do believe he is dating around but, nothing serious..
    But, I think I made a mistake with the emails ( “funny fordwards” he sends me some and I sent him one last week.) I am done with the emails. I can’t be his friend anymore.. I don’t want to be stuck in friend zone. Have I messed this up for good? Is there honestly any chance? I don’t what I would have done with out his friendship during that hard time, but, now I fear he just considers me as a friend. And that was my fault! Also, He has good pics of me but, guys are visual and he hasn’t seen me. And I want him to call me.. (lol) I think a huge time out is order.

    p.s. I should mention I’m 32. It took years for my heart to be vulnerable and open, due to abuse when I was younger, the healing took awhile, my heart did open with him. I am open to dating other guys but, does this one have to be gone for good? I put it in God’s hands and let it go..

    Please advise HONESTLY!! 😀

    Much appreciated,

    Monday, 15 March 2010 @ 1:58pm

  273. 273: AliciaNo Gravatar says:

    Your comment is awaiting moderation.

    I don’t see anything on the blog that answers this. What if you broke up with him, because you were scared, going thru a hard time and now want him back? He is someone I feel open too, but is it too late?

    I’m new to your site. Here is my question, I had a good values,hot, great guy. In the third month things were feeling great, he was still very pro active with compliments and telling me how good he felt around me. But, with the economy and hard times last year we were both laid off and he had to move 2 hours away, shortly after we started dating. We continued to see each other. I also had to move home and lost my job and I felt like I was needing him too much becuase everything around me was rapidly changing.

    However, He was very supporitve and told me he was there for me. We had not reached a commited status and when he pulled back a little bit, and with the stress I was under, I got scared and I dumped him. He asked me to tell him what he could do to make it work. But, the timing was just not right and I was firm about it. He then agreed and thought the distance might become an issue. He still wanted to keep trying but take things slow and I pushed him away. But, being a girl, I changed my mind once reality of not being together set in, and now he was hurt and pushing me away.

    We tried to be friends and would text and email each other and it did help at first. However, now I realize this HUGE mistake I made by emailing each other, over all this time. (sometimes personal and sometimes funny forwards). But now it’s been well over six months since we last saw each other. A month ago he said he missed me, my personality and body and hoped to see me this year.. I feel like I am now in a much better place in my life I do believe he is dating around but, nothing serious..
    But, I think I made a mistake with the emails ( “funny fordwards” he sends me some and I sent him one last week.) I am done with the emails. I can’t be his friend anymore.. I don’t want to be stuck in friend zone. Have I messed this up for good? Is there honestly any chance? I don’t what I would have done with out his friendship during that hard time, but, now I fear he just considers me as a friend. And that was my fault! Also, He has good pics of me but, guys are visual and he hasn’t seen me. And I want him to call me.. (lol) I think a huge time out is order.

    Please advise HONESTLY!!

    Much appreciated-

    p.s. I should mention I’m 32. It took years for my heart to be vulnerable and open, due to abuse when I was younger, the healing took awhile, my heart did open with him. I am open to dating other guys but, does this one have to be gone for good? I put it in God’s hands and let it go..

    Monday, 15 March 2010 @ 2:00pm

  274. 274: LindaNo Gravatar says:

    Tinque…. there is a piece of me still attached. I admit fully that I walked away from him because I had to. Not because that is what I wanted.

    I am sitting behind this computer screen with tears welled in my eyes. I feel a range of emotions like and my boy, girl, drama queen and warrior woman are all doing their thing. I feel outraged, angry, resolute, I feel kicking and screaming, I feel like slapping and cussing. I feel provoked.

    How is it that people make their lives so difficult? Cause so much chaos?

    I want to know Tinque. You said that you and K healed together. I dont feel broken and have spent so much energy on me. This feels like a battle, like warfare. There are things on a spiritual plane that I am focused on. There seems so much at stake. This is hard to communicate. I dont feel desperate to have him, or co-dependant, or afraid to be alone. I have been just fine, feeling happier and free er…

    I have so much welled up inside me, like labor pains and ignorning it wont work. Something is gonna blow up and on the other side is something wonderful.


    Monday, 15 March 2010 @ 2:43pm

  275. 275: tinqueNo Gravatar says:

    Linda – I don’t know why people make their lives so difficult, but most of us do.
    It could be learned behavior, habit, addiction to drama, pain, or something else, feeling undeserving, unworthy.
    But it doesn’t have to be that way, and recognizing this is huge.
    You may not feel broken, but your pain tells me you need to heal from something, whether it be something really old of which you have no memory which is not necessary to have by the way, or whether it be something newer, or both.
    I don’t believe you can heal anything overnight. I do believe you can create big shifts though quickly, jumpstarts if you will.
    Most of us have trauma from childhood that shows up when we are grown as in poor relationship choices for one, choosing the same or similar pain we once experienced, but that’s what we knew as love, so we keep seeking that same pain/love out UNTIL we recognize it and work to change these patterns.
    I know I came into my relationship with many old wounds. A rude awakening caused me to become aware of them, or maybe it forced me to face things I knew were there but denied. I worked to heal them, and through my process, K healed some of his old wounds as well. If his healing was conscious, I don’t know. It’s not something we discussed. It just was.
    I have found that men who are open and willing, will take our lead in this, again whether it’s conscious on their part, I don’t know.
    What I do know is that as I grew stronger within myself, as I grew to love and embrace myself, we as a couple grew more deeply and more passionate together.
    I became more open and vulnerable. I opened my heart to him and more importantly to myself, and he responded in kind. I was and am being authentic, and he thus feels safe, and we fall more in love every day it seems.
    This may sound like fairy tale land, but it truly is possible. Sure I have down moments, grumpy days. He interestingly rarely does, BUT it never affects US.
    He can pull me out of a mood so quickly and vice versa. So WE are always “good”.
    So what I can suggest to you is to really sink into all this pain you are feeling. You don’t have to have words to attach to them. Just feel them. It may feel really scary the more deeply you sink. You may feel like you will sink down forever and never come out. But you will come out. The feelings WILL change.
    Write/journal. Whatever come into your head, put it on paper. It’s a wonderful catharsis. If a story emerges from this, fabulous, but it doesn’t have to. It may be seemingly random thoughts, but they are yours, so they are important to give voice to them.
    This will change because you are changing.
    I hope some of this helps.

    Monday, 15 March 2010 @ 3:08pm

  276. 276: mackenzieNo Gravatar says:

    tinque…you are helping me too. The feelings I had the other day when I heard the music, I couldn’t even label them. For a moment I thought I was feeling love, then I thought it was pain/grief, it was just all this overwhelming stuff in my chest, I couldn’t even tell what it was until I was crying and then I thought it was grief. I have no idea what I was feeling ABOUT. So anyway, other than sinking into them and journaling, how else did you heal yourself? There are some diary websites where you can write and not worry that someone will find what you’ve written on paper.

    Monday, 15 March 2010 @ 5:00pm

  277. 277: tinqueNo Gravatar says:

    mackenzie – it’s a wonderful thing that you are able to release with tears.
    Your question is wonderful, and I may need some time to really think about this, or it may just emerge, as I’m writing right now.
    For me, having a really deep desire to do so was crucial. Anytime I ever felt even a little bit like giving up because it felt too difficult or overwhelming or maybe beyond me, I was able to tell myself I can do this. I CAN do this.
    Being really tired of living in fear, being sick of feeling like I was half living my life was part of the desire. Having a man show up I just knew was worth it was another piece of it.
    I explored anything and everything I felt attracted to and thought might help. Some did, and some did not. If you want a list of tools that I found useful, I can provide you with them.
    Having the support of a very dear person who was always there for me whenever I faltered, yet again, was a huge piece for me, a woman who never tired of hearing my same laments over and over again. She was at first my coach and therapist and has since become a friend.
    You will find that kind of support here. It wasn’t available yet when I was in my deepest healing.
    I let go of feeling shy talking about my “stuff” and let it out with people, friends I felt safe with, and they in turn thanked me for opening doors they were too shy to open for themselves.
    You are going to have to reprogram bad habits, rewire neural connections in essence, and still they will come to call now and then, but their visits become more and more infrequent over time and shorter.

    Monday, 15 March 2010 @ 6:21pm

  278. 278: mackenzieNo Gravatar says:

    Thank you tinque but I still don’t know what I’m supposed to DO exactly. How do I know what bad habits I have? I also have someone to talk to who is in the same boat. It’s SO helpful. But where do I learn more tools? I’d love to hear about yours. And when you say you explored everything you felt attracted to. What do you mean? Books? I ordered the ones that Lucy mentioned today. I’m not finding it difficult, it’s fascinating really although making some of the changes is hard (leaning back).

    Monday, 15 March 2010 @ 7:21pm

  279. 279: Erika AwakeningNo Gravatar says:

    Here, I’ll be a minority voice. Everyone knows I’m a huge Rori fan and that I also share my honest experience.

    The leaning back tool didn’t work for me. For me, leaning back always ended up resulting in stifling myself, and often more disconnection from the guy.

    What works for me, really, really works for me, is doing what I feel in the moment, including LEANING WAY FORWARD until whatever anger or frustration needs to be vented gets vented.

    Once it has been released (though I should mention I have a whole system for this, so it’s not just unconscious anger or whatever),

    that entire karmic pattern disappears.

    And then I just naturally lean back (i.e., feel relaxed), but without TRYING.

    Just had another miracle tonight, with a guy where we had actually stopped talking completely. And now we’re back on good terms again. Because I vented what needed to be vented, and now the energy organically SHIFTED all by itself.

    Monday, 15 March 2010 @ 7:29pm

  280. 280: LindaNo Gravatar says:

    I got out of the house tonight. Spent the evening with my new Grandson. 2 months old already! I feel better. My son in law washed my car. Wow, was nice to have someone do something nice for me.

    I have journaled quite a bit in the past. I got a list of do and dont wants, feeling, revelations, a mile long. I am so frustrated. This thing that has transpired with S makes absolutely no sense to me. And it is totally not worth any more of my effort investment.

    I was at the nail salon tonight before I came home. I was feeling defeated inside and hearing the words that S wants a sexy figured, stylish looking, woman just makes me grit my teeth and loathingly roll my eyes… While I was getting my nails done and the man who was doing them said… Linda, you look very nice and always look good. Most women … not so good, but you always look good…. I was shocked! I was sitting there running those awful words of S opinion of me in my head and he interrupted them out of the blue! I almost cried, but he would not have understood. I told him my recent boyfriend told me I was not pretty enough to be really interested in. He said he is a stupid man and it is his loss. I sincerely thanked him and had him paint my nails a beautiful red color.

    I feel sad and foolish to have believed S when he contacted me back in December. He is such a shallow, wounded, stuck man. How silly of me to believe him and thing this time would be different. Even after all our talks and feeling messages nothing changed, except I got stronger . It is the same thing again and again. My looks and his dis-satisfaction. To you S I say Good Riddense. I take my golden sissors and snip the string. There is nothing here for me except, rejection and pain. Nothing except a closed door.

    I was going to write him, but I dont think I will. If I feel I need to and it would do me good, I will but not for his sake. Tonight I am tired and this goddess is going to bed.


    Monday, 15 March 2010 @ 7:36pm

  281. 281: JenniferNo Gravatar says:

    you GO Linda…
    to HEll with this pseudo man….
    there is a depth of sensuality in EVERY woman..in my experience..it takes a MAN to bring that out. A real man.
    And good on you for taking care of yourself and getting your nails done.
    If you had wallowed and stayed home you might not have recieved this message.
    YEAH for goddess power.

    Monday, 15 March 2010 @ 7:46pm

  282. 282: Erika AwakeningNo Gravatar says:

    The big shift today happened when I shifted my focus from HIM to both of us.

    We were getting into our same old triggering pattern, and I said:

    “I have no interest in getting into our old drama. All I want is for this to be win/win. There’s equal responsibility on both sides of the fence. We will either both look foolish or both come out of this glowing. Our choice.”

    This message shifted everything in an instant.

    I wasn’t making him wrong.

    Monday, 15 March 2010 @ 7:50pm

  283. 283: LindaNo Gravatar says:

    You know Tinque…. I was married out of HS to my sweetheart. I carred for him but was never “in love” with him. I was married 29 years. I have had two relationship since (divorced 3 years now). I have to say that each man is VERY different. I dont see a pattern in my choices. I am just not sure what to think anymore.

    What I am so angry about is this repetitive pattern in S. It is the same damn thing over and over. I just am fed up with it and my anger is due to the reason and my trying it again. Maybe I should tell him about the things I dont like about his physical appearance but mostly about his lacking character. Oh wait, I did that once and he said…”stop berating me” LOL I had not even started. I should have left him stranded in florida and never looked back with any hope of redeeming this relationship.

    TOmorrow is a new day with new opportunities.

    Nite for real now.


    Monday, 15 March 2010 @ 7:53pm

  284. 284: LindaNo Gravatar says:

    THanks Jennifer… I too believe what you said. There are sensual qualities in each of us women and it takes a man to draw them out, help us to feel comfortable displaying them. This is what I was feeling earlier today. S has no idea how or any interest in that. He just wants a display. Actually he very disppointing in the intimacy department most of the time for me. Once in a great while it was good but not often.

    I had a man in my life that was a lover extradoinair. OMG… what a season in my life. Just the mear aroma of him made me tingle….. mmmm

    Ok that was a plesant rabbit trail. Nite and hugs for your support.


    Monday, 15 March 2010 @ 8:01pm

  285. 285: Erika AwakeningNo Gravatar says:

    Where did the words come from, the shift the focus from him to us and dissolve the whole conflict in an instant?

    Repetitive arguments, always leading to the same dead end.

    Where do you find the words to get out of that quagmire?

    Not from rehearsing, not from “thinking” about what to say.

    By tapping on the issue, applying HBR.

    Then the energy relaxes and the right words just come. They literally come from out of nowhere. Once the “stuck” energy patterns have been released, Intuition comes back. Divine Guidance rushes in.

    In my experience, it is not possible to resolve these patterns by deciding what to do or say, or by “nexting” a man. It is certainly not possible by criticizing or blaming a man.

    The energetic pattern must be dissolved.

    Monday, 15 March 2010 @ 8:01pm

  286. 286: JenniferNo Gravatar says:

    Gee Tinque…that would have been good for me to do with B. He tried the old “we both did things wrong” line…i felt he was trying to not own up to his bad behaviour…so I wouldn’t buy it.
    I wonder what would have happened if I had? Hmmm….ahh well.

    Monday, 15 March 2010 @ 8:04pm

  287. 287: TinaNo Gravatar says:

    I went to the gym tonight, I lost four pounds of winter fat! I love you winter fat, you kept me safe and warm :) but now it’s time to move on. Anyway, I was walking on the treadmill and out of the corner of my eye I see this man checking me out, peering at me through the pillars, not really looking but looking,kinda secretly hehe. Anyway I pretended not to notice and thought to myself Oh, he is fillling up my honey jar god love him! At first I was feeling kinda self conscious, while he was looking but my brain automaticallly went to Oh he is filling up my honey jar hehe.
    I was busy in my head, t hinking about repressed anger. I could feel my body um going uh soft yeah soft hehe. It was leg day at the gym for me , anyway I did the courtesy wipe when I used one of the machines, and this guy wiped it again after my courtesy wipe lol, I thought ok he doesnt want my ass germs on his face lol,

    I went to the grocery store after the gym and I noticed a man (he is familiar) lives in the same community as me, so doesnt his girlfriend. We were walking, heading towards one another, he looked at me , me looking at him , her looking at me, her looking at him, she veared off to her left, he looked stunned , then followed her down the isle. I noticed the ‘cute” grocery bag boy , hehe, he was so into what he was doing I just had to say something, he was standing at a bin, arranging mr noodles boxes in nice neat order all facing up with mr noodles facing all in the same direction, he looked so in the groove, kinda like the zen of mr noodles arranging. his face was tilted to the side and totally into it. I said, with a big smile as I passed by Wow the zen of mr noodles arranging, he looked up at me with big eyes and said yeah , I laughed and kept walking. I get to my truck and looked behind me still smiling and out walks the couple , I’m still smiling, she wasnt, he was looking at me ugh! lol. I chatted it up with the lady at the cashier too, we chatted about not complaining about the great winter , but not before a man, directed me to the less than 11 items cash. I gave him a big smile and said thank you.

    Monday, 15 March 2010 @ 8:18pm

  288. 288: BlissNo Gravatar says:

    Erika Awakening that sounds complicated

    Monday, 15 March 2010 @ 9:15pm

  289. 289: Erika AwakeningNo Gravatar says:

    Lol, Bliss, it’s not. I feel curious though what about it sounds complicated.

    It takes me 15 weeks to teach someone my system, but once learned, every problem becomes very simple.

    Every problem with a man can be resolved within ourselves, as soon as we can see what’s creating the problem. And the problem is always our beliefs.

    I even gave away nearly every book I had ever bought, including just about every dating advice book, because they were no longer necessary. There’s almost never any need to consult outside advice anymore, ever.

    Monday, 15 March 2010 @ 10:11pm

  290. 290: TinaNo Gravatar says:

    It has taken a friggin year to decide for myself which program suits me and my purpose. I bought Rori’s ebook “havetherelationshipyouwant” I thought I wanted modern siren but now I realize I need toxic men program :) I noticed too that in all my relationshps, I have the same agrument over and over again lol. Two of my “men’ have become physically violent, the rest lol verbal bashing, oh cool, I thought hm. I want to take full responsibility for my toxicity and Im feelin kinda brave too :)

    Monday, 15 March 2010 @ 10:36pm

  291. 291: TinaNo Gravatar says:

    For some reason my “agruments’ with truckman seem to turning out good :) much to my surprise and amazment, he always wants to do better, we’ve had two “blow outs” over my jealousy and women , go figure. yeah so anyway, I still have mixed feelings over an agrument sorta, but not really an agrument over a timeline about this one woman in particular. It’s driving me mad crazy lol. I use feeling messages, for the most part. He uses his “big voice” hehe to try and control the agrument . He has never physically assaulted me, although I did say at one point in one of our “blowouts” I feel so angry that I want to smash you in the face with this bottled water, it was plastic but still…he just raised his eyebrows and almost laughed at me. We “fought” until we were both exhausted. Truckman doesnt call me names or belittle me, just I dunno…

    Monday, 15 March 2010 @ 10:55pm

  292. 292: SienaNo Gravatar says:

    Hi ladies, I think I’m missing something and could use some wisdom and insight. I recently identified and have been working to reverse a pattern in my dating relationships wherein the men I date want me to work for/with them. (I’m self employed as a marketer.) In the past when I’ve agreed to this, the work relationship eventually replaces the romantic relationship.

    I don’t want that to happen anymore, so I’ve been working these past 6 weeks or so on cutting those ties and saying very honestly that I do not want to work for/with them. Some of these ties are many years old. As of this morning, I had no more of these types of ties to cut. I was freeee!

    So anyway, today on an online dating site, I received a new message from a new man asking me if — instead of finding out whether there is a romantic spark initially — we could become friends instead and perhaps work together, and then see what develops romantically.


    This is my pattern trying to rear its ugly head again, and I’d like to stop this happening. Aside from saying no, and being honest using feeling messages, is there something else I can be doing to stop this from happening? Am I just being overly sensitive? Is this a a karma thing that I need to address in a different way?

    Thank you!


    Monday, 15 March 2010 @ 10:56pm

  293. 293: TinaNo Gravatar says:

    I love my toxic feelings, I wanna take a dive in my cesse pool. ew it smells bad, I dont like it

    Monday, 15 March 2010 @ 11:00pm

  294. 294: TinaNo Gravatar says:

    Sienna, your situation doesnt “feel” right to me either blah. You get romance as a perk rather than a natural feeling wonderful :) intelligent, marketeer dynamo that you are and deserve? :)

    Monday, 15 March 2010 @ 11:12pm

  295. 295: Erika AwakeningNo Gravatar says:


    I felt so fascinated reading your post.

    Yeah, that’s a karmic pattern for sure.

    Do you remember how it originated?

    Monday, 15 March 2010 @ 11:15pm

  296. 296: TinaNo Gravatar says:

    Is more like a crumb though. Here’s a crumb of romance if you can prove yourself? I would muster up all the courage and go on a date with dude and FIND THE MESSAGE :)

    Monday, 15 March 2010 @ 11:16pm

  297. 297: TinaNo Gravatar says:

    The site wont let me comment on the new weight loss post :(

    Tuesday, 16 March 2010 @ 12:31am

  298. 298: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Siena – this happened with me with men who dont want to drive with me. similar words… work with me, meet me half way, 50 50 etc…

    so what i have been doing is rejecting htem completely and consistently… that way some have squeezed in that Do drive to me.

    slowly but surely… sometimes i almost give in but it almost seems like its more about me and them… that is I have to “keep on truckin” and rejecting them until I dont even notice them anymore…

    Tuesday, 16 March 2010 @ 2:05am

  299. 299: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    just “made” a man visit me by not feeling very invested in it

    he thrashed like a fish and then wanted to come

    Tuesday, 16 March 2010 @ 2:17am

  300. 300: TinaNo Gravatar says:

    . Treasure being “off balance.” If what we wanted most of all was to be “safe” – we’d never be in love. And – a HUGE part of ourselves wants exactly THAT – to be safe AHEAD of, and MORE than, to be in love.

    So – choose “off balance” instead of “safe” as much as you’re able to.

    Tuesday, 16 March 2010 @ 2:27am

  301. 301: TinaNo Gravatar says:

    That was #5. hm in the new post.

    Tuesday, 16 March 2010 @ 2:29am

  302. 302: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    mmm i feel very much like desiring sex rite now

    i made a man leave my house because i didnt want to have sex with him

    and now i want to have sex

    not with him

    it was his first time seeing me in a long time

    you quiero sex

    Tuesday, 16 March 2010 @ 2:58am

  303. 303: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    ima starry starfish

    plus me up

    yum yum


    starfish juice woosh yum puddy puddy there mhm

    i want starfish yes i do



    i want it

    u want it

    yum yum

    take take

    beg beg

    fill fill

    yum yum

    push push plushy pushy]

    starfish junky lunky

    grab a twisty
    hum yum a lil tune

    tummy puwnny

    yum yum
    slacka wlacka
    pum pum pum
    jussh jushhh

    fum tummy tum

    lumpy tumpy tump tump rump rump runny punny pun pun

    Tuesday, 16 March 2010 @ 3:02am

  304. 304: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    plug me up starfish powerr putty put puto puton nucky nuck nuck nucky nuuck nuuuck nucky

    Tuesday, 16 March 2010 @ 3:03am

  305. 305: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    how many girls
    how many yall

    wanna go home with Trigger~~!!

    ummmm 12 1/2

    puf puf pufffpuff puff sucker

    Tuesday, 16 March 2010 @ 3:04am

  306. 306: JenniferNo Gravatar says:

    This is an interesting article about the 5 things we do to sabotage our relationships.
    I am resonating with #5.
    It says that we often repeat old problems in order to solve them .
    So, what have I done that looks like that?
    Time for thinking……
    I love my feelings of cofusion. I love my bravery in being willing to look at myself really hard so that I can move forward.


    Tuesday, 16 March 2010 @ 5:05am

  307. 307: tinqueNo Gravatar says:

    “I don’t see a pattern in my choices.”
    Linda – This might be something to reconsider. I too thought I had chosen VERY different men. But when I really looked at them more carefully, much to my surprise there were things that clearly resonated traits from my mother and my father in ALL of them and not the best feeling things either. They just showed up more subtly in my “better” choices.
    In K though there was so much in him that was different and danced beautifully with my true self, it offset the rest, and the rest forced me to do some really amazing albeit difficult work on me.
    I my transformation, K transformed, and the “rest” transformed too.
    I may be wrong here with you, but maybe not.

    Tuesday, 16 March 2010 @ 7:16am

  308. 308: tinqueNo Gravatar says:

    mackenzie – I don’t want to take up all the room it would require to list and detail all the tools, techniques, and modalities I tried successfully and not so much, some of which are found right here on Rori’s site.
    I have written about my journey which is available on my site which you can access by clicking on my name, but I am not here to push my products.
    I would be happy to talk privately if you wish where I would feel more comfortable elaborating on what helped me heal.

    Tuesday, 16 March 2010 @ 7:28am

  309. 309: tinqueNo Gravatar says:

    Tina – it’s working now.

    Tuesday, 16 March 2010 @ 8:02am

  310. 310: Erika AwakeningNo Gravatar says:

    I’d echo what Tinque said about the patterns of men who show up AND go a step farther …

    No matter how a man started, he was morphing before my eyes into the same old icky patterns from my childhood.

    This is projection. We project onto the world (and men) that which is inside us.

    The only place these patterns can be corrected is also inside us. It’s like we are replaying the same old awful movie over and over until we delete that script from our cellular/DNA/subconscious matrix.

    Tuesday, 16 March 2010 @ 8:30am

  311. 311: dorotheaNo Gravatar says:

    I have solidified my “no girlfriend” sentiments and invite everyone to take a look or even comment:


    Tuesday, 16 March 2010 @ 9:14am

  312. 312: heartbeatNo Gravatar says:

    Erika – “This is projection. We project onto the world (and men) that which is inside us.”

    I’ll be honest – I feel really really irritated when I read this HERE. Yeah, it’s a good theory but….

    …. it’s not the WHOLE truth. And I don’t visit this site to read basic psychology theory.

    What I’m doing here is healing.

    And saying “it’s all my projection” ??…. well imagine if a woman is with a toxic man – is that her projection? I mean she’s already blaming herself, her self-esteem is in the toilet, so now she can add a bit more blame to the mix. Yeah maybe being with toxic men is her pattern, but if she follows her FEELINGS into TRUTH then she’ll likely go through chaos until she sees clearly what’s going on and walks away.

    And that’s person-centred. She gets to decide. She sees her choices.

    I read a comment from someone earlier who ‘felt relieved’ that maybe it was just her ‘own stuff’ and he must love her after all – maybe it is, maybe it isn’t – maybe he does, maybe he doesn’t – but that smacks of a Pain Management strategy rather than a HEALING TOOL.

    Like – ‘he loves me, so I can make myself feel ok after all’.

    Sorry but sometimes being able to say NEXT is a very grand step up. Or no, no and NO.

    Saying NO (open the car window and yell it, ladies) NO NO to what we DON’T want is utterly liberating. Not bad-mouthing men, not making them bastards, not being innocent victims – none of that – just simply NO and NEXT!

    Tuesday, 16 March 2010 @ 9:14am

  313. 313: Erika AwakeningNo Gravatar says:

    Yes, and *nothing* was more demoralizing than saying ‘next’ and having the exact same man show up in a different body.

    Or using all the tools and techniques correctly and seeing no real improvement in outcomes.

    I offer something different because as hard as it may be to take full responsibility, that’s what actually worked (for me). That’s when things changed.

    Tuesday, 16 March 2010 @ 9:27am

  314. 314: siaNo Gravatar says:

    dear linda,
    please don’t comment on S appearance! That would mean he managed to drag you down to his level.
    From what I experienced, appearance is often an excuse – it is right there, so S doesn’t need to think honestly about what could have gone wrong, but find an easy way out which leaves him blameless.
    Think drunken guys in the street which can call you names if you try to avoid them politely – you would shrug that off, right? because it is about their problem, not yours.
    From what you say, that guy has problems and is trying to find any way to blame them onto you, to make himself feel better about himself, isn’t that why he keeps emailing?
    Remember sour grapes tale? Berating something which we can’t have? And it is not like he did have you, even when he was with you – I would say he knew subconciously that he can’t have you, because he doesn’t deserve you, so there was something inside him preventing him from being with you.

    Even though he may think he is right to criticise someone’s appearance, he must know somewhere inside that this is not a thing which a goddess like you would do, so of course he can’t be with you – he doesn’t deserve it!

    So please don’t get dragged into his polluted mind workings!

    I am so happy for you that you received compliment in nail saloon. Remember for 1 person who says a compliment there is a dozen who think the same but just don’t say it aloud. xx

    Tuesday, 16 March 2010 @ 9:45am

  315. 315: siaNo Gravatar says:

    hello erika,
    nice to see you!
    I would like to ask about you saying ‘rori recommended EFT to me’.
    Does that mean EFT is similar to Rori? Because you sometimes take slightly different views. Did she recommend EFT for some other issues than that most sirens here face?
    Or are the systems each suited to slightly different personalities/issues?

    I am also very interested in your work with guys. You mentioned inner game, and I would have imagined, if someone gets to be good at that, it shows up in other fields than just ‘the field’. Hopefully it is not all about just to have strong ego. But I heard a podcast mentioning you and that guy certainly didn’t sound like he was going to be my choice of a ‘guru’.
    So in this other field you work – do the changes go only skin deep, as in raised confidence etc? It is a scary thought that you would be able to help someone to attract women and they would be still unattractive individualities.

    Tuesday, 16 March 2010 @ 10:04am

  316. 316: SienaNo Gravatar says:

    Thanks for your comments, all. After I posted my question, I remembered that at one time, many years ago, I had a written goal in a journal that said that I wanted to work with my future husband in a business that we both enjoyed. Yikes!

    That was many, many years ago, but I think what has happened is that I have been trying to manifest that goal in my relationships, and it’s only brought me heartache. I had completely forgotten about having that goal, and have been frustrated again and again that romantic relationships devolve into business relationships.

    So last night, before I went to bed, I made a new goal to reverse the old one.

    I am continually amazed at how powerful I actually am once I clear out the yucky hard shell that I used to wear to protect myself. Feels A-Mazing!!

    :-) Siena

    Tuesday, 16 March 2010 @ 10:30am

  317. 317: CourtneyNo Gravatar says:

    Hi Rori

    I don’t know if I’ll get a reply but I’ll try this out:

    I was over-functioning, working seven jobs, managing diabetes, dating, and going to the gym. Well I got raped and was in the hospital for five months. Then back for another three months. I’ve been disabled for two years now. Three months ago I got a part time job.

    On my five or six days off I hide under my blanket and let my clothes collect on the floor. I might not get a reply but just the fact that you are here coaching me is encouraging.

    Before I got my part time job I started online dating a fellow who I wasn’t too sure about. We talked often on the computer. Finally we started dating and he’s so nervous and I’m nervous too.

    We went on one date and had a tremendous time, he sure wooed me girl. But our second date was too soon and he didn’t make it. We’re not rushing. Well I forgave him and we waited to go on another date.

    I go visit him almost every week. He works out of town and is only home a few days between calls. We’re taking it slow.

    Its only been three months since we started this. Was it too soon to talk about love and children and weddings? I’m still taking baby steps to get better..

    I don’t know. Hope you reply.

    Tuesday, 16 March 2010 @ 11:09am

  318. 318: mackenzieNo Gravatar says:

    Just wanted to write that I had another crying attack today out of the blue. Does this always have to happen when I am in a car? This time I was driving. I must be going through something big although I honestly don’t know what it is about. I thank all of you for being here and a place that I can talk about this. I don’t think my friends are ready or would understand. I didn’t know I could feel so badly and now I’m not sure the highs that come with these lows are worth it. Better to stay numb? Am I cleansing out old stuff? I don’t even know what the stuff is.

    And Erika, I agree that by leaning back we feel more disconnected. I hate it!! I want to be MORE connected and sometimes I feel that it is up to me to create connections – if that’s what I want. On the other hand, I don’t think he will ever realize how much he wants me (if he does) if I don’t disappear for awhile. He totally takes me for granted so I think I have to do this. And, Rori is right, when I lean back I see him much more clearly than I did when I was so focused on making our relationship better. In the back of my mind, I guess I know that if I want a more connected relationship it will probably have to be with someone else but right now I don’t want to accept that. I still want HIM AND to be more connected. It’s frustrating. I mean “it feels” frustrating to me :-). I’m circular dating but I don’t like it.

    One more time…thank all of you so much for being here…I feel like I’m really going through something huge

    Tuesday, 16 March 2010 @ 11:45am

  319. 319: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    Siena! I am so happy that you discovered the answer to your question in your journal!

    I find that when I ask a question sincerely like you did, the answer soon shows itself in the world.

    Good for you! :)

    Tuesday, 16 March 2010 @ 11:59am

  320. 320: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    Re: the patterns with men

    I agree with tinque and erika and want to add that sometimes, when the outer behavior looks completely different from man to man, we can discover the pattern by focusing on the FEELING that is common in all the relationships, particularly how we feel at the end of the relationship.

    Here’s how this worked for me:

    I looked and looked for a pattern, but the guys were all so different that I couldn’t find one. I was the one who ended every relationship, but the REASONS ranged from “he’s not attentive enough” to “I’m bored with him and his depression” to “he wants me to be someone I’m not” to “we have no connection besides the sex” etc. No pattern.

    Until I asked myself, how did I FEEL when I was ready to end each relationship? I felt UNHAPPY.

    So I discovered that my unconscious definition of love is UNHAPPINESS. To confirm it, I looked back at my childhood, and yes, I had learned that relationships are all about unhappiness. And further confirmed it by acknowledging that all my siblings are in unhappy marriages (with all different situations, but same feeling).

    So I was UNCONSCIOUSLY repeating the pattern, trying to FIX what I grew up with– trying to manifest an unhappy relationship so that I could fix it and make it happy and relieve the unhappiness of my child self.

    After my marriage ended, I continued to end up UNHAPPY in relationships.

    When I became conscious of this pattern a couple months ago, I did “inner child” work on the emotions and the little stories in my mind (beliefs). I can give more details on that if anyone wants them. Very healing stuff.

    The next step was noticing RIGHT AWAY if the guy I was attracting was recreating that unhappiness, and choosing to walk the other way. It was a step in the process– choosing consciously to not reenact the pattern. Daria mentioned doing this with her patterns in one of the above posts.

    This weekend, I noticed that not only has this been my pattern with men, but with many other relationships as well, and it all fits perfectly with issues from my childhood. I had a difficult weekend with lots of relationship conflict with my nearly-grown kids, and saw the pattern there.

    Then I saw Erika’s free 7-day HBR program and decided to try it on that pattern — the beliefs I had around that pattern — because clearly there were some residual beliefs that got triggered with my kids: “relationships are all about pain and unhappiness” and “I mess everything up” and “I am always the scapegoat” etc.

    And I am happy to say that I was able to reprogram those beliefs! (I had been skeptical, but there was nothing to lose so I gave it a whirl. Thanks, Erika!)

    I am now more confident than ever that I will stop getting into unwanted relationship patterns and find a relationship that is COMPLETELY FREE of the trappings of the past.

    Tuesday, 16 March 2010 @ 12:31pm

  321. 321: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    WHOA! I’m still on day 4. Lucy this is awesome. Ok I feel motivated now!! Erika I will get thru this! WAtch out

    Tuesday, 16 March 2010 @ 12:35pm

  322. 322: LindaNo Gravatar says:

    Sia. Thank you…. I am not going to write him on his level. I feel differently today than I did yesterday. I actually feel in a good mood and nothing has changed in my life.

    SOmeone wrote. “Oh now I can feel better now that I know things are ok or he loves me”… something like that. THat struck a cord in me. I am going to be ok and feel better even without that confirmation that I am loved and special to someone.

    I have this resillience in me. I hate getting kicked in the gut but I seem to stand back up.

    I truely want a companion, partner, lover and friend in my man. I would love to be coming home to him but my dog will do today. I am imagining him and how it feels to be in his arms and to be together. Those are yummy thoughts.

    I was thinking about my sexuality today. Sometimes I think I might be a guy in the brain. lol I think about sex alot. anyway…I was remembering what it feels like to feel safe and accepted by the man I am with. With that in place, I can tune into that sensual side of me that runs deep and true in me. It feels vixenish. I want to feel free like that again.

    I never felt like I be free with S because under lying it all was this ever present reminder that I was not his idea of sexy. I am 51 years old, 5’5 and weigh 138 pds. I could tone up loose bit more but only because I want to. I feel very self conscious now about my body and sharing it with someone because of him. I used to feel so proud to have lost 40 pds and get to a size 10. sigh…. I would see pictures he had on his computer… the random women were hollywood, porno body beauties. I in no way compare to that and I would always feel sad about that, but never said anything. It was a huge roadblock to me… It was like he sucked the woman right out of me. I dont know how to not let that happen. There is an essense of him that I was very attracted to so I and there was chemistry there for me…. it was just when we were together this last go around… he was just no fun at all! I feel robbed some how. I am no prude, wow I feel angry about the rejection on this level. I mean the last time I tried to intiate sexually with him, he was unresponsive and told me to go to bed it was late. Looking back, I should have put on my clothes, gathered up my thing and left. If that ever happens again in my life you can be sure that I will.

    What was his message to me. uggghhhh. they are bad ones and I dont want to think about them.


    Tuesday, 16 March 2010 @ 12:55pm

  323. 323: JenniferNo Gravatar says:

    Linda…you said “it was like he sucked the woman right out of me”
    I’ve resonate with that. I’ve been there.
    the good news is…women are a self renewing spring. We really are.
    Yeah for the possibility of filling ourselves back up!!!
    Especially on sunny, breezy, blue skied days.

    Tuesday, 16 March 2010 @ 1:05pm

  324. 324: SienaNo Gravatar says:

    Mackenzie, you wrote, “Am I cleansing out old stuff? I don’t even know what the stuff is.”

    My response would be… ask! It works for me when I sit quietly at the end of the day and ask from my heart to answer any questions I might have. And then I start writing in my journal (again, writing from the heart) in a sort of free form way. This usually brings answers pretty quickly… especially if I go back and read the journal. I notice patterns, thoughts, fears, etc. that I don’t necessarily acknowledge in my day-to-day life. Then I write out my ideal resolutions in a way that assumes I already have them. This has been a very powerful tool for me.

    I’ve made a pact with myself that my journal is completely uncensored… if anyone ever read it, they would know my deepest darkest secrets. But, at least they would know the authentic me, also… which is good, right!?

    What’s also fantastic is that I can look back only a couple of months and see how things that I believed and wanted manifested themselves in my life. Without writing those things down, I might have forgotten about intending that they happen, and would continue to believe that I am powerless over the things that happen in my life.

    Lucy… thanks for your encouragement. It feels so great to get answers to questions! I love it! I would love to hear the details of the inner healing techniques. And also, where is Erika’s free 7-day HBR program?


    Tuesday, 16 March 2010 @ 1:14pm

  325. 325: JenniferNo Gravatar says:

    Especially on days when I get up in the pink dawn and look at the silver ribbon of the highway moving off into the distance.
    What possibilities lie along the silver ribbon of adventure?
    Early coffee and roadtrip possible adventures are a heady combination.
    Where should we go?

    Hey…I had a quasi poetic moment.

    Tuesday, 16 March 2010 @ 1:14pm

  326. 326: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    OMG jennifer i felt like instanly captivated that was sooo freakin cool! I feel jealosu pink dawn and silver ribbon

    oohhh oohhh

    Tuesday, 16 March 2010 @ 1:26pm

  327. 327: JenniferNo Gravatar says:

    Hey Daria!…where ya wanna go sister? I got starbucks and a full tank of gas!!

    Tuesday, 16 March 2010 @ 1:28pm

  328. 328: LindaNo Gravatar says:

    I am trying to post my picture out here thru gravitar but not sure how to do it. I have my pictures loaded but my email is different so I am changing it here from my old one.

    Sometimes it is nice to put a face and a name together.


    Tuesday, 16 March 2010 @ 1:43pm

  329. 329: KatarinaNo Gravatar says:

    Hi Ladies,

    This is my first time posting and I feel scared! I admire all of your bravery for sharing your journies and am self-conscious that the amount of work I need to heal is going to become veeeery evident. I purchased Roris ebook last fall and have been reading the blog/comments almost daily. I feel I’ve grown as much as possible without actually participating and feel STUCK. I feel afraid I’ll be rejected here by the group and that I’m not worth helping. Ha. Hmmm I’m surprised by these feelings and am ashamed to reveal this. I feel like erasing my comments and trying to post again another day. I feel like an insecure 12 yr old in a mid-thirties body all of the sudden which makes me feel amused as people who I interact with in “real life” would likely never describe me that way. I feel like it’s my turn to stand up and give my speech in college again and have buzzing in my limbs, and butterflies. I love my nervousness?

    As I said I purchased Roris book last fall after feeling frustrated in my nearly 10 yr relationship. 3 small kids a dog, cat, fish and a house and I feel awful so much of the time. After learning all I have here I can say that it’s unlikely I would be in this situation had I not been leaning way forward and over-functioning. Either b/c he wouldn’t have stepped up and I would have lost interest, or I wouldn’t have ruined what started out as GOOD, with him rowing, by being in my masuline energy most of the time. To make a long story short, I found out about a 2 yr affair/relationship he was having with a woman 10 yrs my junior. Because of the kids I really wanted to heal myself (after yrs of trying to heal HIM!) to be absolutely sure that I’m not going to leave this relationship only to recreate another similar one. My parents had a very cold marriage and divorced after 25 yrs together. My Father has remarried successfully, yet I continue to watch my Mother picking the same dysfunction for herself over and over. My husband claims he wants it to work. After admitting the affair he continued to see her and lied for months, claiming that he gets things from her that he doesn’t from me. Affection, namely. I put my all into working from Rori’s book and reading here daily for reminders, and have to say I experienced a huge shift in my experience. He ended the relationship for REAL finally and I FELT his energy coming towards me for the first time in, ooooh, 5 years! FLowers, gifts, just like when we were newly dating again. He started being honest w/ me about the other woman, and the barrage of communications he receives from her. I felt really good about the openess we were experiencing….and made it safe for him to share with me. I was always freaking out about things up until recently.

    That brings us to the present. I have failed to mention up until now that he has a drinking problem. I didn’t realize the extent of it because up until now he could rightly say that he was leaving the house due to our tension, and that actually made sense. There was a lot of volatility between us. Now we are getting along better than we have in ages, and he is still going out ALL NIGHT some weekends and drinking heavily. Only now he blames work-related stress instead of relationship. He has been hinting about being “done” with drinking and I can see looking at his lifestyle and trying to make some changes. I no longer address his “issues” with him and have been surprised that he has been addressing them himself. There is a family history of alcholism on his side, as well as mine. My Dad was/is? an alcoholic. Thus far he has been able to maintain a successful professional life…but it seeps through at moments.

    I have severely limited my sugar and have done everything I can think to try to control my hormones and mood swings. This has been a lifelong problem for me. I have been taking care of myself appearance-wise again, and buying myself stylish clothing and eating well. These are all things that used to be important to me that I have let fall by the wayside since having my first child 5.5 years ago. I realized that all of my focus was on my children and him and there was nothing left for me. I am a stay at home Mom as none of my children are school-aged yet, so while it is hard to get my own life the small steps I was able to make worked wonders! All of the sudden I feel cherished and loved again…first time in so long.

    So my dilemna. :) Some on this board may say my man is “toxic,” others won’t like to label him. The drinking is definitely excessive. He has also been diagnosed recently as bipolar. Sooooo….there’s that. I’m just going to jump right in on a present situation as I’m stuck and had some set-backs over the weekend. He was out drinking this weekend. Work-related “stressors, that have nothing to do with me and the kids.” The difference is, he came into the house intoxicated and picked a little fight with me. Going on about “finding someone that cares.” I felt scared. I cried and asked that he leave because I don’t want to be yelled at when he’s drunk. He went back out and the next day I learned that 2 yr affair girl had drove to town (she lives a few hrs away) to find him and confronted him in the bar. Apparently that’s when he left and showed up here angry. The PROBLEM is that I didn’t hear this from him. When I confronted him he admitted it, but up until this point he has been volunteering such incidents, as he doesn’t want there to be any secrets. Now I feel concerned and suspiscious that there may be more to the story, and that perhaps he actually asked her to come. He claims not (her sister goes to college in the town where we live). I got angry and yelled and told him I felt he was being sneaky and that I didn’t want to be involved if he was going to keep seeing her. He claims he isn’t and doesn’t want to. That if he wanted to be with her he would, and he worked hard to get her out of his life and wouldn’t jeopardize our relationship. Says he’s given us 300% and if I can’t see that then he’s done, blah blah. Refuses to discuss it further because he’s telling me what happened and I’m hearing what I want to hear. and said he will leave and get an apartment. Said he doesn’t understand what I’m so angry about. I just cant help but feel that perhaps there is more than he’s telling me. He says that I shouldn’t turn my back on him due to his drinking problem. I’m so stuck and don’t know what to feel and hoped that getting this out would make things more clear. But alas no.

    Thanks so much for listening to my venting. I’m feeling yucky with him right now and don’t know if I’m looking to sabbotage things because I’ve been getting what I want and am afraid of losing that, or if the work needs to be more to care less about this particular relationship INSPITE of the rather large family we have together. Stuck stuck stuck.


    I hope you all will let me work through this here.


    Tuesday, 16 March 2010 @ 1:56pm

  330. 330: Erika AwakeningNo Gravatar says:

    (from dentist waiting room)


    thank you SO much for telling me that about the 7-day course! I put a lot of work and money into producing the course, and it means so much to me to hear that it helped.

    Would you be willing for me to use your comment as a testimonial?

    Yes, it works! My challenge is helping people get over their skepticism cuz it really works and is a great complement to Rori’s programs. It will make it ten times easier to become a Modern Siren.

    Anyone can get the course by clicking on my name at the top of this post.

    Thanks again :)

    Tuesday, 16 March 2010 @ 2:01pm

  331. 331: KatarinaNo Gravatar says:

    Oh my I’m so embarrassed! For someone that was so hesitant to write I certainly didn’t have a problem once I got started. Blushing….

    Tuesday, 16 March 2010 @ 2:12pm

  332. 332: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Jennifer! lets go to Brazil! or mm Atlanta

    Tuesday, 16 March 2010 @ 2:20pm

  333. 333: JenniferNo Gravatar says:

    When I feel like my life is shit…and sometimes i do. I try to remember these quotes…they’re not exact but you get the gist.

    Chaos is not disorganization..it’s a more complex form of organization. Some Physacist dude.

    “Listen to the mustn’ts, child. Listen to the don’ts. Listen to the shouldn’ts, the impossibles, the won’ts. Listen to the never haves, then listen close to me… Anything can happen, child. Anything can be.”
    Shel Silverstien.

    They make me hopeful.

    Tuesday, 16 March 2010 @ 2:37pm

  334. 334: JenniferNo Gravatar says:

    Darial….mmm Atlanta…souther charm and BBQ. What’s not to love!!!

    Tuesday, 16 March 2010 @ 2:39pm

  335. 335: LindaNo Gravatar says:

    I am testing to see if this works with a picture on this email.

    Tuesday, 16 March 2010 @ 2:56pm

  336. 336: dorotheaNo Gravatar says:

    yay Linda pretty picture!

    Tuesday, 16 March 2010 @ 3:21pm

  337. 337: heartbeatNo Gravatar says:

    My gawd Linda – you look GORGEOUS!! It feels so good to see you!

    Jennifer – ah yes that feels like poetry – I’m floating on that silver ribbon… thank you.

    I feel so inspired by everyone’s stories and process.

    I’m just back from another lovely meal with a friend. After I wrote my ‘Dear God’ letter (inspired by Liz in Eat Pray Love) good, nutritious food turned up all over the place – meals from friends, even my students offered me cakes and fruit! Wow! I really FELT that love when I wrote my letter, I had no idea how it would manifest – I was so exhausted after all my recent journeys (outer and inner).

    I’m blossoming again and focused on what feels good, what fills my feelings of moving forward and soulful. I’m enjoying my work, its purpose and connections with others, clearing out my apartment and taking care of myself mindfully, seeing friends and sleeping well. I don’t feel disinterested in men, just not focused on finding one, and lots have shown up – smiling and listening, paying attention and the other day (and another meal lol!) an old male friend commented that I seemed grounded whereas I used to seem urgent. And yes I did feel that way.

    Last week everyone stopped talking and listened to me in my writers group – and for a moment I felt quite scared and nearly stopped speaking – then I remembered ‘this is how it is’ and kept focused on words that felt meaningful rather than blathering.

    A message from another male friend (he turns up as a spiritual guide, unintentionally – all sorts of synchronicity happens when he’s around):
    “We are all capable of being assertive but frankly I would just as soon spend my time with those that don’t make me have to be assertive. Our societies offer courses in assertiveness training where I can’t help but feel that society would be better served if the chronically assertive were taking reticence training courses! Give me the kinder, gentler souls any day AND the bonus with them is that I find them more creative than the blustery, assertive folks. So let your thoughts create your future and a relationship of mutual love, support and respect will be your reality.”

    Thank you <3

    So men are turning up as messengers all the time… even though I'm not focused on 'men'. I just keep feeling my feelings, love myself for feeling them and move on. The old stories and patterns just fall away.


    Tuesday, 16 March 2010 @ 4:07pm

  338. 338: heartbeatNo Gravatar says:

    Linda thanks for mentioning The Presence Process – I looked up the website and listened to Michael Brown – I LOVE this:

    “It’s not about feeling better, it’s about getting better at feeling”

    I laughed a great belly laugh – ho ho ho! – when I heard that! A great belly laugh of recognition.

    Then I downloaded the free books and felt a particular connection with these words:

    “This is emotional body awareness: realigning the outflow of our awareness so it is initiated from the emotional body. The intent to activate emotional body awareness elevates us beyond the preoccupation of working with issues. It is not about examining the negativity in our life experience with the intent to extract wisdom from it. Functioning from emotional body awareness is choosing to function from the heart center … The realization that there are not two sides, a good one and a bad one, is essential for us to feel safe enough within ourselves to open our heart center and to keep it open. … Like cleansing the emotional body, activating emotional body awareness while entertaining a polarized experience also requires a journey, a process … it is an experience monitored primarily through feeling, personal responsibility, and a greater reliance on inner guidance. Activating emotional body awareness is therefore a journey of intensified self-facilitation; a state of being in which we behave as though “no one is out there”.”

    Thank you xx

    Tuesday, 16 March 2010 @ 4:36pm

  339. 339: heartbeatNo Gravatar says:

    Oh hey, another message from Unintentional Spirit Guide (I love how he talks about thoughts – and my messages are about feelings, yet we are on the same channel):

    “I will leave you with this new word that I made up: Optimystic – the state of having the unfailing belief that all your visions, dreams and predictions will come true! There we go – we will endeavour to be optimystic and our thoughts will take care of our futures.”

    Tuesday, 16 March 2010 @ 4:42pm

  340. 340: heartbeatNo Gravatar says:

    Daria & Jennifer – one more for Brazil, I have the bubbly!

    Siena – I too have a journal like that. I love your comments btw.

    Erika – I’m all for personal responsibility, for staying awake and aware. Hope your dental went ok.

    Time for bed. Night night Sirens xxxx

    Tuesday, 16 March 2010 @ 5:07pm

  341. 341: JeannetteNo Gravatar says:

    Tell me why men keep on sending e-mails and forwarded stuff after you’ve broken up? Is it there way to soothe their conscience or keep their foot in the door? Or is there way to say, “Hey, ya wanna still be friends?” Anyway, I have not been responding to them….Just fed up is all.

    Tuesday, 16 March 2010 @ 5:43pm

  342. 342: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    Erika – Yes, you may use my comment.

    Re: overcoming people’s skepticism – your offering the free introductory course should help with that.

    Also, although I am routinely skeptical, I am also very open; some skeptics are not. :)

    You’ve probably heard the saying “when the student is ready, the teacher will appear” – my sense is that, similarly, with your new system, when the student is ready, s/he will be open to trying it. And, in fact, will be LED to it.

    To illustrate: my daughter has acknowledged that The Presence Process has made a huge positive impact on my life. Yet she is unwilling to take the journey herself at this time, and has even said, “I’m happy that it worked for you, but it’s not for me.” I have felt disappointed, but I have come to realize that she is simply NOT READY for that particular tool/system. She, like all of us here, is on a journey of self-awareness, and I trust that she will find what she needs when she needs it AND is ready to benefit from it.

    Kind of like, “you can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make him drink.” He has to be thirsty, and he has to trust intuitively that the water will safely quench that thirst. :)


    Tuesday, 16 March 2010 @ 5:43pm

  343. 343: JenniferNo Gravatar says:

    it’s interesting my change of perspective.
    I was on MSN. B was on MSN. I really didn’t feel like starting the convo….I feel like…I’m here..that’s all my job is at this point.
    He went away…and I feel ok with that. There was a time when that would have made me soooo anxious. I would have been desperate to keep the contact going. Even willing to “button push” to get his attention. Now..not so much.

    Tuesday, 16 March 2010 @ 5:52pm

  344. 344: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    omg i feel so touched by this Jennifer:

    “Listen to the mustn’ts, child. Listen to the don’ts. Listen to the shouldn’ts, the impossibles, the won’ts. Listen to the never haves, then listen close to me… Anything can happen, child. Anything can be.”

    Tuesday, 16 March 2010 @ 5:55pm

  345. 345: JenniferNo Gravatar says:

    Hey Daria…I love Shel Silverstien…he has great stuff.
    I have that posted on the wall in the room where I work with special needs peds.
    I think I should have like a travel mug with that on it so I can read it on my way to work in the morning.

    Tuesday, 16 March 2010 @ 5:57pm

  346. 346: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    heartbeat – I’m excited that you are connecting with Michael Brown’s work! Did you look at “Naked” yet on his website? (It was written as a blog, but he says to read it in chronological order, as a book.)

    “Naked” is fascinating, and, although I don’t agree with everything he says there, it has been a tremendous help to me. The theory that we unconsciously (and to our detriment) seek our “mother” or “father” in intimate relationships is fairly well-known, but he adds the dimension that we sometimes unconsciously seek our BROTHER or our SISTER!

    That was a real eye-opener for me. It’s a long story, so I won’t go into detail right now, but I discovered that, with TN man — who was far away and wasn’t stepping up to meet me in person — I was looking for MY SISTER, who I NEVER MET because she died before I was born! He even had long, girlish hair, lol!

    My mom told me that my dad’s first words when I was born were, “She looks like the first one” (whereas my older sister who lived did not). I never got along with my living older sister, and, since I knew that the sister who died looked like me at birth, I always imagined that SHE would have been a lot like me, understood me, and loved me. I had been “looking” for her all my life — and “she showed up” as TN man, who is SO much like me, and understands me and loves me – from AFAR, invisible, like the ghost of my dead sister.

    Wow. What a realization that was! And it was an invitation to finally grieve the loss of that sister, to admit to myself and accept that I will never find her in this world because she is not here, and, most importantly, to realize that I don’t need her the way I always thought I did because I CAN BE ALL THOSE THINGS TO MYSELF that I thought I needed her for.

    It has been remarkable. And it explained why I was SO attached to TN man and so desperate to meet him and be with him. Now, since going through that, I no longer feel drawn to him so powerfully.

    I highly recommend “Naked” to all you Sirens. I found it pretty deep and challenging, and I do go back to the section about family of origin from time to time.


    Tuesday, 16 March 2010 @ 6:08pm

  347. 347: JenniferNo Gravatar says:

    Hey Lucy..
    that’s a facinating idea you put forward. Does he say that looking for a brother or sister is always BAD.
    I would love to meet a guy who is like my brother.
    He’s a hard working man, stand up guy, fantastic father who is THERE for his wife.
    He and I get along like peas and carrots. IF he acts like an asshole (and it’s happened) he comes out and appologises. If I need help..he’s there.
    I can’t see a down side to wanting a guy like my brother, but I’d hate to be missing something.

    Tuesday, 16 March 2010 @ 6:13pm

  348. 348: Turtle GirlNo Gravatar says:

    The whole looking for a brother thing is fascinating. If that is true, then I am fucked because my brother is mentally ill.

    My last husband was mentally ill. My last bf toxic man had been diagnosed as clinically mentally ill by the State. A bf before him was on anti depressants and had huge huge anger problems.

    WTF? This SCARES me. If this is true, then how in the world do I fix that? How do I attract a normal man? God, I feel terrible, have this terrible sinking feeling now about my odds of getting it right.

    Tuesday, 16 March 2010 @ 6:22pm

  349. 349: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    Jennifer and Daria — I love that quote too! It reminds me of the new Alice in Wonderland movie. Have you seen it? I saw it twice, and I actually SOBBED both times! Near the end. My daughter did too.

    We sobbed because we were experiencing the whole movie as a metaphor. Most of the people in the theater were still laughing while we were crying. It wasn’t sad; it was just touching on emotional themes for us.

    We saw ourselves in Alice. We saw how much we all “lose our muchness” while living in this world and how we need to get it back.

    We LAUGHED a ton, too. It is very funny! And wonderful, and healing!

    Both my sons loved it too.

    I highly recommend seeing it. And in 3D!


    Tuesday, 16 March 2010 @ 6:23pm

  350. 350: JenniferNo Gravatar says:

    Turtle Girl…no, no. don’t freak out. Sister..that’s HUGE…you See the pattern.
    How many people do you know who can’t see thier patterns?!?!?!!?
    Yeah for seeing pattern!!!!

    Tuesday, 16 March 2010 @ 6:23pm

  351. 351: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    Oh, Turtle Girl, please don’t be scared! I feel EXCITED for you, because if you are seeing a pattern now, you can fix it! It is actually a huge ray of HOPE for you now!

    I think the website is thepresenceportal.com. Click on “Naked” in the sidebar. Then locate the section where he talks about brothers.

    TG, you will HEAL this need to find your brother in your relationships!

    I can help you work through it, too. I would be happy to do that.

    I have to go drive my son back to college now. Talk to you all later!


    Tuesday, 16 March 2010 @ 6:29pm

  352. 352: JenniferNo Gravatar says:

    there is no chaos only more complex patterns of orgaization.
    When I was in the third grade…I had a crush on a boy named Adam. We were both kinda outcasts in the third grade class. The teacher hated us both (that bitch was NASTY). I had all my hair cut off the summer before school started and looked like a little boy somewhat. So Adam and I were buddies.
    We hung out and walked around together at recess.
    I developed quite the crush.
    Some of the other girls got wind of my crush. They “told” on me. Suddenly Adam didn’t want to be my friend anymore.
    So I guess the message there was…I was ok when I was “one of the guys” but not so much as a girl.
    Couple with that the bad touch cousins who make it not safe to be a girl and WHAMMMO
    Geeze its kind of a wonder I don’t bind my breasts and shave my head.

    Tuesday, 16 March 2010 @ 6:39pm

  353. 353: Erika AwakeningNo Gravatar says:

    OMG, Jennifer, Yes!!

    This is one of the things I talk about in my speeches to guys.

    I’ve worked with guys who have crippling approach anxiety (meaning, they see a woman they want to talk to, and they are too terrified to approach her).

    Most guys are trying to solve the problem now, today, with tools and techniques. And for the most part, it DOESN’T WORK.

    And when we dig down, they have EXACTLY what you are talking about … something happened with their second-grade crush that was CRUSHING and their subconscious mind never got over it.

    So 20, 30, 40 years later, they are still petrified of women because of that one bad experience.

    And when we clear that out of the subconscious mind, everything SHIFTS organically, and they are no longer scared, and their outcomes start to improve :)

    Tuesday, 16 March 2010 @ 6:45pm

  354. 354: JenniferNo Gravatar says:

    Hey Erica…old taumas suck!
    Dear Universe.
    Hey…thanks for the revelations. That helps alot. I guess if I hadn’t left B and started working with this blog I wouldn’t have met these fantastic women and done the work and thinking I’ve had to do.
    Then I’d be carrying this stuff around forever. OR untill I snapped and went nutso.
    So that worked out ok.
    There is not chaos..only more complex patterns of organization.

    I’m really interested to see what you have comin up next for me.
    Thanks again.

    Tuesday, 16 March 2010 @ 6:53pm

  355. 355: LindaNo Gravatar says:

    Heartbeat. Dorthea… thanks for commenting on my pic. It does feel nice to connect a face with the words… it is more personal and real I think.

    I am gonna read and catch up tomorrow. I have been reading and journaling. Working on getting me more centered and such…. My eyes are tired and wanna close… headed to bed.


    Tuesday, 16 March 2010 @ 7:36pm

  356. 356: Turtle GirlNo Gravatar says:

    thanks so much, but I have no clue as to where to being as to how to fix this. Right now I just feel sort of hopeless and clueless.

    Tuesday, 16 March 2010 @ 8:17pm

  357. 357: mackenzieNo Gravatar says:

    Siena, thank you so much for your thoughts. I just got home (11:30 pm Eastern) and am going to go straight to finding a private online diary website and start my journaling. Also, I signed up for Erika’s HBR video course. I hope to have answers soon. I think I’ve been living in a cacoon my whole life and am coming out now. I’m not sure I liked the feelings from the last few days. They hurt but something tells me this is a good thing in the long run and I don’t want to go back into the cacoon – although I thought about it when I was in the middle of it.

    As far as the family thing my current bf IS my father. My father has never told me he loved me. I’m not sure how capable of love he is. He cares about me but doesn’t really love me. I’ve never bought into the idea that we find these people so that we can fix the past. I think we just find these people because we are comfortable in these poor relationships because we are used to them or that we just don’t know how to relate to other kinds of people. Not sure the goal is to fix anything but if we can fix them, great! I’m just not hopeful my boyfriend will change but I’m curious to see if I change if he will change.

    Tuesday, 16 March 2010 @ 8:27pm

  358. 358: TinaNo Gravatar says:

    Is it just me or what? I cant post a comment on the newest blog post “losing weight and feeling misery”

    Tuesday, 16 March 2010 @ 8:54pm

  359. 359: Erika AwakeningNo Gravatar says:

    Oh hooray! Just got my first “teaser” photo back from my shoot in NYC.

    All I can say is, so THIS is how the models in Maxim and SI look so good. Every woman needs to know this so she won’t be comparing herself to magazine covers, lol :)

    Wow, what a Goddessy-feeling moment :)

    Tuesday, 16 March 2010 @ 10:06pm

  360. 360: GeorgiaNo Gravatar says:

    Lucy – what you describe is excatly true, you hit the nail on the head.

    My love for my father was unconditional love. He didn’t love me and showed me care. he was an abusive father (we rarely close). The day when he passed away I felt really lost. The other part of me is missing him and the other part is waiting for him to love me back.

    I realised I should let him go. I let him go so I’ll be free. he doesn’t need my true love anymore , wish him have a good life in his new life (in my dream last year,he told me he was going for reincarnation and told me to be strong ).

    so from now on I took my back my love to love myself. So I can find my true happiness.This is my life.

    Before this, I kept giving love to men without asking to love me back until I feel exhausted and escape. some of them wouldn’t believe it. they thought it must be hidden agenda or something. but the moment I left (when I feel exhausted) and they come back I feel not worth to accept what I am deserve to get.

    I love what Gary craig said about ” Dreams become missions and missions become consistent thoughts that, in turn, become your reality ”

    My new dream now is to find my own happiness. like Rori said ” Assume the best ”

    love you all

    Tuesday, 16 March 2010 @ 11:16pm

  361. 361: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    well i got scared of ghosts when i was like 2 or 3 by the lady caretaker and its still my biggest fear- yes i will heal this

    i got rejected by a boy i had a huge crush on at 5 and felt not good enuf for the men I want and I HEALED THIS! yay me

    oh and at 4 this music teacher told my mom and me i had no ear and couldn’t sing… been singing off key ever since… unless i warm up my voice for a few minutes and then magically i sound good…. hmmm
    i will heal this

    oh and they said i wasnt flexible for gymnastics in kindergarten – and now my hip is tight – i will heal this

    I just added i will heal this to all of them hehe

    oh and i wanted to be a boy so im not “ruled by my hormones” – i will heal this

    Tuesday, 16 March 2010 @ 11:30pm

  362. 362: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Turtle girl –

    when i want to heal something i write on the blog or somewhere usually public:

    dear angels… i want to heal this… thank you

    and it is duly healed without any effort — i notice it later as i look back and im like wow… umm i guess that IS healed now…

    Tuesday, 16 March 2010 @ 11:32pm

  363. 363: DariaNo Gravatar says:


    Today when my parents got back from the trip, and my dad said something mean to me… i felt bad and was about to keep tolerating it… and after a few minutes i said I felt upset being talked ot like that

    and he yelled oh yeah! you think im not upset!! you think im not upset every minute!!!!

    and i said stuff like im upset too, and we yelled a lil bit and i did not get overwhelmed or flooded…. and he was like what do you want…

    and i said very clearly: i want to be talked to nicely

    and that was the end!

    and i went upstairs and felt good!!

    and now i feel soo glad!! i stood up for mylsef! it was easier, i think i did great job with the EFT lady i was working with, SUBTLY

    2. A man drove to see me!! i talked about this before… he said he’s never felt the way he felt when he was watching me moving around in the kitchen, and after he left my house…

    he said that he had thought it was too much all that i wanted ie him to drive to me from far away, take me out etc, but now he realizes that this is actually something he liked it and WANTS to do it and will i date him!



    oh and EFT lady like reverse psychologized me to where i though ti was not making any progress and now realized i made progress on every step as my answers to questions were polar opposites of before… and she ON HER OWN said we don’t have to have the last 2 sessions, and that’s how I had been feelings… everything is lining up and im feeling great!

    Tuesday, 16 March 2010 @ 11:38pm

  364. 364: GeorgiaNo Gravatar says:

    Daria… get on msn 😀

    Tuesday, 16 March 2010 @ 11:48pm

  365. 365: Erika AwakeningNo Gravatar says:

    Way to go, Daria :)

    I’m doing Rori and Daria style saying “no” to what I don’t want, which right now is the large number of requests for free advice.

    I remember with my rental when I raised the rates (which it was fully worth), there was this quiet period where it was as if the Universe was testing me whether I would “cave.”

    I didn’t, I stood firm, and the rental is going gangbusters in the middle of the so-called recession :) I feel delighted by it :)

    (it helps enormously that I applied HBR)

    So here’s to saying “no” to what doesn’t feel good and what is not worthy of a goddessy child of God.

    Wednesday, 17 March 2010 @ 12:10am

  366. 366: Erika AwakeningNo Gravatar says:

    I enjoy coming up with new ways to say “no.”

    Impertinent, bratty, curt, polite, silent, surprised, aghast … :)

    Cuz each one is an opportunity to communicate what I *do* want, and why I am worthy of it.

    And the more my subconscious mind hears those sentiments, the more it says, “damn girl, yes, you DO deserve to have what you want.”

    Wednesday, 17 March 2010 @ 12:13am

  367. 367: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Erika – yes indeed… and yes haha to the “quiet testing period” shhhhhhhh!!! testing in progresss

    Wednesday, 17 March 2010 @ 12:27am

  368. 368: RachelNo Gravatar says:


    THanks for sharing about your rental. I own a bed and breakfast and I’ve been going back and forth about raising my rates. This is a good confirmation! I am not being selfish or greedy … but I deserve to be well compensated for the hard work I do and the excellent atmosphere I create for my guests. Yeah!

    Hey.. does anyone have Rori’s recent e-letter about how to stop obsessing? She had two points in it and I can only remember the one! I wanted to journal about them and when I went back to re-read the email, it had somehow been deleted.

    Help… anyone?! If you could just cut and paste here or at least list the two main points of what to do.. that would probably job my memory! I know one of them had to do with looking out the window and finding something meaningful to do. Can’t remember the other one to “save my life!”


    Wednesday, 17 March 2010 @ 4:52am

  369. 369: JenniferNo Gravatar says:

    Auggg…I just deleted an entire post! WTF! my keyborard is screwy! WTFÉÉÉ no question marks!!!
    But only here….it`s ok on FB. WTFÉ
    Daria: I love the idea of posting my blocks to be able to get rid of them. Sooo. I`m gonna post some and then tap on them and then type DELETE!!! To tell my subconcious brain that they don`t count anymore.
    I am just going to bitch from here on in…so feel free to skip the rest of this post.

    Third grade teacher told my mother in front of me that `people like her don`t graduate from highschool better teach her a skill so she can support herself` then she tried to fail me. I had to go to the board and take testing to prove I wasn`t developmentally delayed. Really the issue was that I wouldn`t answer questions from her cause she terrified me. DELETE!!!!!!

    Mean boy at youth group when I was 15 looked me in my face and said `well, you ARE ugly, aren`t you`

    B`s mother told all the neighbours and ME infront of my mother and nanny that he would never marry me. DELETE!!!!!!

    B`s father told me that woment today are whores cause they live with men before they are married…while B and I lived together. DELETE!!!!!!!!

    My dad said that I was too heavy in the thighs and better not eat ice cream DELETE!!!!!!!

    An old boyfriend J was really mean to me when I went to the gym with him. He yelled at me cause I didn`t know how to use the machines. DELETE!!!!

    The gymnastics coach in highschool said I was too heavy to be a gymnast. She held an end of season party and told me not to come. DELETE!!!!!!

    ok that`s enough for today.

    Wednesday, 17 March 2010 @ 5:32am

  370. 370: JenniferNo Gravatar says:

    Hey Rachel. Here ya go.

    Dear Jennifer,

    Have you ever felt completely obsessed by a

    Where you can’t eat, sleep, or look at a
    telephone without thinking about him?

    Where you spend most of your time trying to
    figure out what went wrong or why he hasn’t
    called, or why he’s all of a sudden so distant?

    I remember that feeling of dread in my stomach.

    Most of my clients have been through that –
    sometimes over and over again.

    Doesn’t it just make you feel like you’re back
    in high school?

    Like your hormones seem to have complete
    control over your body and your mind and you’re
    just living off of the crumbs he gives you?

    Or what you remember he once gave you?

    It doesn’t have to be like that.

    Just because we’re women, because we’re
    sensitive, kind and caring doesn’t mean we have
    to give ourselves up to keep our men.

    In fact, it’s just the opposite.

    We keep our men always moving toward us by
    reducing their importance in our lives.

    Sounds easy, I know, but truly – there’s a way
    to make this change for yourself that’s not hard
    work or painful – it just takes a step-by-step
    approach, and you have to know the steps.

    I remember a man taking over so many of my
    thoughts that it seemed like he was taking over my
    life, too.

    And I remember that happening over and over
    again, like a record I couldn’t turn off.

    It would be a different man, but the same

    I felt humiliated.

    But I figured it out, and when I did, the
    record stopped and the men who showed up were
    completely different than those men I’d been so
    hung up on.

    That’s when my husband showed up, and I was
    able to fall in love with him, let him pursue me
    and WIN me, marry me – all without hearing those
    obsessive thoughts in my head.

    And if I did it – I KNOW you can.

    Here’s a Tool to help you get started:

    Even if you’ve never had a full-blown
    obsession with a man, where you can barely
    imagine living without him and always live in
    fear of him breaking up with you, have you ever
    run your schedule around him?

    Made your plans around him?

    Watched what you said and didn’t say around

    Wanted to make him happy and make him love you
    so much that you forgot how to just be yourself?

    Thought his moods were your fault?

    Thought when he withdrew that what you needed
    to do was be “nicer” and “more understanding?”

    Well, the first thing to do that will work the
    fastest to reduce the importance of a man in your
    life (even if he’s THE most important thing – I
    don’t want you to allow him to become the ONLY
    important thing) is to stop doing all of the

    That means – no scheduling around him, no
    making plans around him, no watching what you say
    and don’t say, no trying to make him happy or
    make him love you, no “nice” and no
    “understanding” when something he does or doesn’t
    do makes YOU unhappy.

    The second thing is to get something else
    IMPORTANT into your life.

    And that would be YOU.

    Here’s how it works:

    You look out a window and imagine what it is
    that you love (aside from him).

    Imagine the love in your heart, all that
    energy and sweetness and passion, going out the
    window to that thing you love – it might be
    painting, or the beach, or giving to those less
    fortunate, or helping people in your special,
    unique way.

    Of course, I call this Tool OUT THE WINDOW.

    These two steps sound easy, and they are.

    If you’re willing.

    Because before you can make any kind of change,
    you have to want to.

    And it’s hard to want something you’ve never
    seen or done before (except with men you don’t
    care about).

    It’s hard to believe, if you’ve never seen it
    work, that it WILL work.

    And yet, I’ve seen it work brilliantly in my
    own life, and in the lives of all my clients.

    It works.

    You won’t be the one woman it doesn’t work for.

    No matter how unusual you believe you are, no
    matter how low your self-esteem, no matter how
    scattered your thoughts or how negative you feel
    right at this moment, it will work.

    *** If you’re with a man right now and feeling
    frustrated that he isn’t moving forward to a real
    commitment, you’ll get so much help – specific,
    detailed Tools and a clear understanding of what’s
    going on with him and your relationship – from my
    Commitment Blueprint program.

    It lays out a 7 Step plan to triggering his
    intense desire to wrap you up in a lifelong
    commitment – and it WORKS.

    You can find out more and try it out right here:


    Let me know what happens when you use the
    Blueprint’s 7 Steps (there’s a great section where
    real women work with me one-on-one onstage
    learning to do “Power Speeches”) – I know it will
    help you.

    For now, let’s work with this Out The Window
    Tool to help you with obsession:

    As soon as you stop doing all the man-pleasing
    behaviors you’ve been doing, you’ll see two
    things happen:

    One, your man, or the man emailing you, or the
    man you’re meeting for a first date at a coffee
    shop, will sit up and notice that YOU’RE A VERY

    He’ll notice you’re cool, because you’ll
    probably be the first woman he’s met who doesn’t
    need to think about how HE’S doing before she
    thinks about how SHE’S doing!

    He’ll notice that there’s absolutely no
    pressure in being with you.

    He’ll notice that you trust yourself enough to
    be yourself instead of wondering and caring what
    he thinks about you.

    He’ll notice that you TRUST HIM enough to be
    yourself instead of wondering and caring what he
    thinks about you.

    And it’ll be such a relief, such a powerful,
    mysteriously sexy thing for him to be with a
    woman who puts herself first, he’ll be like a kid
    in a toy store, and you’re the best toy.

    You’ll see his energy come toward you in a
    different way than you’re used to.

    Instead of working hard to get his interest,
    instead of working at being smart, clever,
    charming and appealing, you’ll be shocked to
    notice he just thinks YOU ARE smart, clever,
    charming, appealing, and totally sexy.

    You lean back, and he leans forward.

    And that’s only step one.

    *** Step two, OUT THE WINDOW lets you come alive
    with the passion you feel for YOUR OWN interests.

    He gets to be around while you share your
    deepest feelings about small things – like the
    weather, the restaurant atmosphere, the trip you
    took last year – and almost immediately, he
    starts to feel that “Here’s a woman with

    And he leans in toward you. And he listens to

    And he asks questions.

    And then when you gently toss the ball back to
    him with a “And how ’bout you?” He feels so
    comfortable with you, he tells you everything.

    Because you’re so not caring about impressing
    him with how you understand and hear everything
    he says (if it’s interesting, right?) you’re able
    to just lean back and listen, and

    BE THERE with him.

    He’s so unused to any woman JUST BEING,
    instead of always doing around him all the time,
    you completely capture his attention, his energy,
    his heart.

    And this is how it works.

    Even with just this bit of information, you
    can completely turn around a relationship you’re
    already in, or completely change your love life.

    These two steps will change your mind set – the
    way you think about being in a relationship and
    what you have to do to keep it going.

    Other Tools, in these e-letters, my Have The
    Relationship You Want ebook and all my programs
    will teach you how to speak from your heart in
    words that really express who you are and how
    you’re feeling in a way that connects you
    instantly to nearly any man.

    *** If you’re with a man who is all of a sudden
    withdrawing, and you’ve tried everything you know
    and are starting to feel powerless to bring him
    back, try my Reconnect Your Relationship CD

    You can try it out for free for a full 30 days
    before you even have to decide to keep it, and in
    those 30 days, I know it will change your life.

    Go ahead and listen to some of it right here:


    Let me know how “Reconnect” works for you –
    it’s very, very powerful, and I look forward to
    hearing from you about it.

    *** Here’s a letter from Lizbeth, who turned
    things around so fast – overnight – she’s amazed:

    “Hi Rori,
    Maybe not even 5 minutes of me sending this
    message, Jim buzzed my apartment! He held me and
    told me how much he had missed me (the last time I
    saw him was Sunday) – What the?

    Surprised, … u-huh. I’m staring at this man
    with eyes as big as jumbo marshmallows and not
    knowing what to say. It was awesome!!! There was
    absolutely no tension, and it was like there was
    never any worries or problems between us. BUT I
    DIDN’T DO ANYTHING!!!!!!! I don’t get it!!

    Today he worked during the day and I just got
    home from working the evening shift. I didn’t
    call nor did I feel the need to. Sigh. Big sigh.
    We are planning on seeing each other tomorrow,
    according to him. And I’m just going to let him
    do all the work. In the past, he would show up in
    the morning and we would go off and do our thing
    for the day.

    Now all of a sudden things have gotten back to
    what they were. I can’t help but feel really
    cautious about stuff since it seemed like such a
    180 over night. Just like you said. Wow,
    unbelievable and what do I do to continue this.
    Nothing, right? Lizbeth”

    If Lizbeth did it, with just my Reconnect Your
    Relationship program, you can, too!

    Let me know how things are going for you, I look
    forward to every success that happens for you.

    Love, Rori

    P.S. If you’d like to send me a comment, a
    question, a problem for me to work with in these
    e-letters, or a Success Story — please e-mail me
    at Rori@HaveTheRelationshipYouWant.com.

    I’ll be able to respond much more quickly if you
    keep it to a simple format:

    1. One or two paragraphs, please, and

    2. Get as specific as you can – the details help
    me really get a feel for your unique situation.

    Also, please feel free to forward these e-letters
    to a friend – and let her know she can get in
    touch with me and start receiving her own letters
    by going to [sitelink]

    If you’ve already downloaded my Have The
    Relationship You Want e-book, work through it. If
    you’d like to get it now, follow (or copy and
    paste) this link:


    The eBook is the foundation for all my work,
    including these eLetters, so getting the basics
    will help you use everything else you get from me.

    If you already have the ebook, get the Heart
    Connection Toolkit – just listening to it over
    and over, instead of to the nasty Voice we all
    have inside our heads, will raise your

    Wednesday, 17 March 2010 @ 5:37am

  371. 371: GeorgiaNo Gravatar says:

    I love Rori, I love you so much. Thank you

    Wednesday, 17 March 2010 @ 5:51am

  372. 372: JenniferNo Gravatar says:

    hey Rachel…I copied and pasted the e letter you asked for. It says i`m awaiting moderation. I don`t know what that means. Can you see it.

    Wednesday, 17 March 2010 @ 5:52am

  373. 373: LoriNo Gravatar says:

    I have been noticing lately that my CD guys that I’m most attracted to are all workaholic types who work 60-70 hours per week. I feel like it’s my fear of intimacy that triggers the attraction to them. These are not emotionally unavailable men as I’ve been attracted to in my past, but they are still unavailable in a way due to work commitments. Perhaps I feel “safe” knowing they are stuck at work-not out chasing other women, but also not free enough to spend alot of time with me. While I enjoy my “me” time, I also realize that I’m still repeating a pattern of sorts.

    I do feel it’s an improvement over my previous tendency to be attracted to long distance relationships and prior to that emotionally unavailable men, but I really want to move past this so I can have a real intimate relationship. But I just don’t know how when I feel truly more attracted to these particular men than to the others that have more time to spend with me. Any suggestions?

    Wednesday, 17 March 2010 @ 5:52am

  374. 374: RachelNo Gravatar says:

    Thanks Jennifer! I can’t see it yet – hopefully soon – before I start obsessing again! ha!

    Wednesday, 17 March 2010 @ 6:38am

  375. 375: JeannetteNo Gravatar says:

    Gosh I am SO scared. I just got on Match.com after not being on there for 3 years. Mainly due to being in my long distance relationship. But we broke up (his decision more or less) but he called me last night, just to see how I am. It was a casual conversation. I think I just am tired of feeling lonely. Well today I got on Match and cleaned up my old profile and I thought they were going to keep it hidden, but to my surprise, they reopened it so the public could see it without me knowing. Anyway, I got 2 e-mails and I got nosey and re-subscribed for a month, it was sort of fun. I know this is going to sound bad, but I am afraid my ex is going to get on there and see it and lose even more interest. Like he’ll say to himself, “Gosh, I guess that didn’t take very long!” Or that I am going to look desperate or something. I just don’t know if I was really ready to do this or not! I need support girls!! I still love my ex!!! Help!!

    Wednesday, 17 March 2010 @ 7:32am

  376. 376: Erika AwakeningNo Gravatar says:

    Hey Rachel,

    Sure thing. Yeah, that’s one of the ways I do it is to really pause and take stock of what it is I’m GIVING to the world, whether it be with my presence or a rental, etc. Because our subconscious mind will only let us have and keep things (that includes relationships) that are win/win. Otherwise, we feel guilty, and that is THE great saboteur.

    My rental a couple of years ago was one of the first areas where I systematically applied HBR. The income increased immediately without changing the marketing. Often inquiries would come in right after a round of tapping.

    This is one of the many examples that convinced me HBR works!

    The rental income went up 65% that year in the middle of the worst part of the recession. I wrote an article that was published on Gary Craig’s website about it.

    It’s now looking like it’s ultimately going to triple from the original level, if things keep going the way they are going now.

    This is so wonderful for me because my expenses are high right now from building a business, so it helps me have enough to do that. :)

    Even just in the 7 days of the video course, you can learn SO much that will help you do what I did.

    I have an attracting abundance audio product too :)


    Wednesday, 17 March 2010 @ 7:47am

  377. 377: RachelNo Gravatar says:


    This is the perfect position to be in! As long as he thinks you are just sitting around waiting on him, he doesn’t need to step up! Knowing that you’re out there living and that there is the potential of other “competition” will be the best thing to make him stop and think!

    And … the most important thing is how it will make YOU feel. You will have options!! And although you still love him, when you are receiving the attention of other men, it changes your vibe so that you DON’T feel desparate! You will be having fun and creating a beautiful life for yourself and he may find himself wanting to be part of it again. And then … YOU’LL have the choice!

    I say “Go for it, girl!” And may the best man win!!

    Wednesday, 17 March 2010 @ 7:47am

  378. 378: Erika AwakeningNo Gravatar says:


    Yes, exactly! Every time a belief or memory cycles through to conscious awareness is a moment of opportunity.

    If we consciously look at the belief and say,

    “that belief (that my dad wrote on my walls) is NOT true,

    “I refuse to believe it any more,

    “I choose to erase that belief and adopt a new one,”

    we have just taken a huge step toward manifesting a brand new, way happier life.

    I’ve manifested much faster results when doing this *with* HBR, but even if I only raise my conscious awareness by noticing and consciously replacing the beliefs, there will be some improvement.

    Wednesday, 17 March 2010 @ 7:53am

  379. 379: Erika AwakeningNo Gravatar says:

    I *love* getting emails (like I just got after those two posts) that say:

    “Check will be in the mail today.”

    Hooray to passive income!! :)

    Wednesday, 17 March 2010 @ 7:55am

  380. 380: JeannetteNo Gravatar says:

    Rachel, thank-you so much for being a cheerleader. I was reading your message earlier about how to stop obsessing. You reported one was looking out the window and….well, did you find out was the other one was? I just need to turn my brain off!!! Thanks again!

    Wednesday, 17 March 2010 @ 9:32am

  381. 381: JeannetteNo Gravatar says:

    Rori, I have a question here….my ex long distance sends me emails, just forwarded stuff and sometimes sticks up at the top stuff like….”How is everything your way? Hope you have a great day!” Now, should I answer this stuff or what? Lately I havn’t been and last night he called me just to see how I was. I really don’t want him thinking since he broke up that I am just hanging around and nothings changed. Last night, as I said I answered his call and we talked about 15 minutes but I really think he called because I have not been answering his e-mails or sending him any forwarded stuff. I think it’s good that he wonders I guess but where do I draw the line? Show I email or not? As far as picking up the phone, I pretty much do that if I am home with whoever calls, I am not a game player.

    Wednesday, 17 March 2010 @ 9:49am

  382. 382: GoodheartNo Gravatar says:

    Have been reading posts daily, but not commenting. Really like the idea of posting my blocks in order to heal so here goes:

    Felt horribly awkward & “visible” in school because I grew faster than anyone. Just wanted to blend in not stand out. Guys still say, “Wow, you’re tall.” when we first meet. My (shorter) brother always teased me. I am only 5 foot 8 and a half but still feel self-conscious sometimes. Only wear flats. Flat flats. The flattiest. I WANT TO HEAL THIS.

    Tired of being attracted to men who aren’t attracted to me. And being relentlessly pursued by men I am not attracted to. I WANT TO HEAL THIS.

    I get so scared that good things in my life won’t last (mainly romantic relationships) because they never have. It is so hard for me to believe that I can sustain a healthy, fun relationship. My thoughts get in my way. I trip myself up. I WANT TO HEAL THIS.

    I become attracted to men who lean back. I WANT TO HEAL THIS and be immensely attracted to men who WANT me & SHOW IT.

    I am jealous of my sister. Things come to her easy. Super easy. Love. Romance. Everything. She has great self-esteem. I WILL LEARN FROM HER.

    Thanks for listening. ~ :-) Ah, Deep breath.

    Wednesday, 17 March 2010 @ 10:08am

  383. 383: JenniferNo Gravatar says:

    Can you remember the FIRST time you felt each of those emotions? The inciting incidents? Like when was the first time you felt jealous of your sister? What happened to make you feel like she got everything easy?
    I think (and I’m an ametuer here so take this with a grain of salt) that it works best if you find the FIRST time you felt that way. I think that the first time you feel an emotional trauma is the key to clearing it out. I think it’s like a pearl. Pearls start with a small grain of sand or what not in an oyster. The oyster gets agitated and proceeds to cover the grain of sand with nacre. That’s the pearly shiny stuff.
    I think our subconcious does the same. You feel bad about situation A. It makes your subconcious think you’re in danger some how so you develop a set of beliefs and behaviours to keep you “safe”
    So for example…..My third grade guy…I liked him. He rejected me when he found out. That hurt. Like really, like for years. So in order to keep me safe…If I found a man attractive, I would get soo flustered around him that I couldn’t hardly have a convo with him. But it kept me safe see? He couldn’t reject me cause I ran away.
    Does that make sense?

    Wednesday, 17 March 2010 @ 10:24am

  384. 384: GoodheartNo Gravatar says:

    Jennifer, I see what you’re saying & I think the first time I was jealous of my sister was way way back when we were kids. I was probably 7 or so. She is 5 years older. My Uncle used to take her out all the time. Sometimes I would get to tag along, but not often. He would buy her things. A few years later he became one of those inappropriate touch relatives. I actually I got away from him before anything happened (a few times) but never told anyone or even really acknowledged that it happened. Just stuffed it & I remember waking up sometimes during the night hyperventilating. It had been while I was sleeping that he tried to touch me. I think that maybe subconsciously I saw myself as being only worthy of men physically somehow. That they wanted my body, but didn’t deem me special enough to take out & buy me things (like my sister). It wasn’t until very recently that my sister told me that he had tried stuff with her too. She just slapped him away & it didn’t seem to bother her.

    I don’t know if I am just reaching for something here. I mean, nothing actually happened to me physically. But I did seem to put a lot of my worth into how I look for most of my life – even now I guess.

    Wednesday, 17 March 2010 @ 10:40am

  385. 385: JeannetteNo Gravatar says:

    Rori, I guess, what I was asking earlier is just how far back to I lean? Please let me know!

    Wednesday, 17 March 2010 @ 11:18am

  386. 386: JeannetteNo Gravatar says:

    Rori, one more thing….During our conversation last night (he called me), during the conversation he said he was listening to a CD his daughter made for him and on it is “I NEED YOU NOW.” A song that he sent me once when we were dating…….hmmmm…why did he bring that up and was that the reason he called? I should have said something but didn’t, just listened to him. Anyway, if you would please look at the last two of my submissions above when you have time. I know I have much to learn here!

    Wednesday, 17 March 2010 @ 11:27am

  387. 387: mackenzieNo Gravatar says:

    Jeannette, I think you and I are in similar boat swith LD bf’s that we are leaning back from. The only difference seems to be that I am still seeing my bf but circular dating (although I don’t think he really believes I am just yet) even though I told him I was going to date other people). I know you want Rori to answer, but I would say talk to him IF YOU WANT TO. If he’s calling then you are still leaning back. IF YOU called HIM it would be leaning forward. I’ve stopped initiating anything with my boyfriend. I answer emails when he emails first and I don’t call but I take his calls or call him back IF he asks me to. So far, I’ve mostly been doing this just to take Rori’s advice and so far I’ve seen improvement in our relationship but still nowhere near what I would like to have with a man someday. Every day, I get a millimeter close to doing it instead because I REALLY AM looking for Mr Right instead of looking for current bf to step up. I still secretly hope that current bf steps up. But, I’m starting to BELIEVE I deserve much better and I think I will be less patient waiting for current bf to get there. And actually he isn’t really my “boyfriend” since I am dating other people now. I told him that I wasn’t going to be anyone’s girlfriend until I had what I consider to be a “real” relationship. What I liked about Rori’s advice is that I can still see him instead of break up with him while looking for what I want. Before that I could never seem to break it off with him and stay broken up so this is way less hard.

    Wednesday, 17 March 2010 @ 11:33am

  388. 388: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Jeannette – WOW. The leaning back worked! he CALLED YOU! It’s working… I would now lean so far back I stumble back and fall backward on (soft cushions)!!

    Wednesday, 17 March 2010 @ 11:58am

  389. 389: JenniferNo Gravatar says:

    hey Goodheart.
    So we’re looking for patterns to lead us to core beliefs so we can clear these beliefs and therefore change our patterns, yes?
    So, what do we have? We have bad touch uncle….and please do not minimize that. Yeah maybe you “got off easy” but as far as I’m concerned there is NO way that having a grown up even try to hurt you is no big deal. It affects you.
    You are only attracted to men who aren’t attracted to you? Hmmm….might that be “safer” than men who ARE attracted to you? You run screaming from men who DO pursue you? Like a late night sneaky uncle?

    That’s intersting…
    Men don’t seem to want to buy you things….they only want you for sex? Might that be a pattern established with the uncle?

    Again I’m not a professional therapist or anything. But these might be patterns to look at?

    Wednesday, 17 March 2010 @ 12:26pm

  390. 390: mackenzieNo Gravatar says:

    Jeannette, an easy way to think about it is that you are a goddess and you can do and say what you want, just remembering that goddesses do not chase after men. So, if he calls and you want to talk to him, talk to him. If you think it’s nice that he mentioned the song, tell him. Just don’t say it as a way of getting him to like you. Just say it if you really feel that it was nice (being authentic). Leaning back doesn’t mean being icy, it just means not chasing. In your case, I can’t tell if you really don’t want to talk to him anymore or you are open to some kind of relationship. If you don’t want to talk to him, tell him that. If you are open to a relationship you can be nice in response to what he says.

    Wednesday, 17 March 2010 @ 12:30pm

  391. 391: mackenzieNo Gravatar says:

    My question for Rori…sort of following on the theme of that I am probably afraid of real relationships with men for many different reasons. Now that I’m circular dating, I only go out with men once as I decided that they aren’t or could never be the ONE. How do I distinguish being a picky goddess from just being plain afraid. They always want to go out again and I know I say no because I’m afraid it’s EXACTLY bc they are Mr Wrong again that I am attracting. Is that because I have a better radar or because I’m afraid? I can’t tell.

    Wednesday, 17 March 2010 @ 12:35pm

  392. 392: GoodheartNo Gravatar says:

    Jennifer, thank you so much for your insights. I have tried to look for patterns in my dating/relationship life. And you are so right – that was a core belief in me for a very long time that men only wanted my bod, basically. And I finally figured out that it stemmed from my uncle. I believe I have healed that part, finally. I have had many men I’ve been attracted to treat me well. The last guy from a couple months ago brought me flowers, nice thoughtful gifts at Christmas, he was a gentleman. We did not have sex though we had a strong attraction to each other (my choice). We broke up after 3 months. Roll the cliche reel, please…

    He said I was a great person, everything a guy could want, blah, blah blah. Yet HE didn’t want me. And…

    A man I’ve known for over a year has pursued me even though I have told him over & over that I am not romantically attracted to him. And here is where I’ve been putting in my late night study sessions & I’ve come up with this:

    I am not comfortable around him as far as being affectionate, playful, etc because I feel he is not comfortable with himself. I like a man who is easily affectionate (not aggressive mind you). And this led me to…

    Does that mean I am not comfortable with myself since men are supposed to be our mirrors? Hmmm. Don’t know. I have no problem being affectionate when I am attracted to someone, but if I’m not just the thought of intimacy is like a big yuck. So, then, I wonder if I just need to let my playful, girly girl out more. Is that why I’m meeting these men who seem feminine to me? There have been several lately. One-daters. I just can’t get past the feminine thing. I want manly men. With hair on their chests lol! So am I too strong?

    My head hurts now.

    Wednesday, 17 March 2010 @ 12:47pm

  393. 393: JenniferNo Gravatar says:

    Hey Goodheart.
    I struggle with the Feminine engergy thing too. I think I have a more “masucline” energy. A psychic I saw told me this is why I attract men who want to be taken care of in some way.
    I attribute this to the idea “it’s not safe to be a girl” I got that one from some bad touch cousins.
    I also have “armour on”. Again…I attribute this to the idea that I’m not safe. It’s hard to recieve through armour.

    Wednesday, 17 March 2010 @ 12:53pm

  394. 394: GoodheartNo Gravatar says:

    Wow, Jennifer. That makes a lot of sense. We toughen up to protect ourselves. I don’t want to protect myself anymore. I want to receive.

    I want flowers.

    I want chocolates.

    I want kisses.

    I want strong arms to lean on.

    I want my lawn mowed. (just thought I’d throw that in!)

    Wednesday, 17 March 2010 @ 1:02pm

  395. 395: JenniferNo Gravatar says:

    ME TOO!!!
    I want someone to worry about me a little.
    Iwant someone to check my tires.
    I want dinners out.

    I wonder if Rori has an “armour off” tool?

    Wednesday, 17 March 2010 @ 1:27pm

  396. 396: TinaNo Gravatar says:

    I got into an agrument with my son yesterday morning *snif. I felt sad, he told me or yelled at me lol “DONT TALK TO MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! he turned down my drive to school. We argued about his time management Can mom say TIME MANAGEMENT! I do over function for him, or at least I have since he was born. He came home from school that day and we talked about going out to buy him a pair of shoes, which he needed but he expected me to pick him up a pair, I said no! I’ve been saying no, I said I;ll just take this money and buy myself something nice, forget the shoes you need unless your coming with me. He agreed to come, but started making excuses, so he tells me STOP MAKING EXCUSES! I was like waaaaaaaaaa? anyway, we went, we had a discussion in the truck, I said to him, my biggest fear right now is that you are not prepared to move on to your adult life, that’s not want I want for you, I want you to be successful and when you leave the nest and spread you tiny wings I want you to fly, not hit a pole or something, ok ! he said I can get a job , I can find an apart ment, i can do this i can do that on my own. ok I said, what about NOW, like your school work? it all ended on a happy note, we got the shoes, he went so far as to wanting to get the same happy face t shirts, which I thought was funny, he said next time we go shopping we’ll wear the same t shirts, that made me laugh.

    Wednesday, 17 March 2010 @ 2:08pm

  397. 397: SoignéeNo Gravatar says:

    Dear Girls,

    to have some flowers, please try my example.
    I said to a man who is interested in me. I was abroad and I needed him to pick me up at the airport and I called him saying flirting:

    “Honey,do you know that your Princess is coming back?”
    ” He started smiling. And I continued: “Darling, and do you know that the Princess loves flowers?”

    It was enough that he brought me my favourite orchids!!!

    I huged him a lot after receiving them and showed the joy.

    It is that simple. And after all he calls me always Princess.

    Wednesday, 17 March 2010 @ 2:11pm

  398. 398: GoodheartNo Gravatar says:

    Jennifer, I think the tool is about “unzipping” your heart. Rori talks about this in modern siren. It’s visualizing that you are literally pulling the zipper down on your heart & letting it be open – to everything. I try to remember to do this when I’m with everyone, either gender.

    Armor might be a little tougher. A can opener? Lol

    Baby steps I think.

    I also think you’re a lot softer than you thinkI. I can feel your feminity from here :-)

    Soignee, I like your technique :-)

    I want to feel looked out for.
    I want to be missed.
    I want sweet surprises.


    Wednesday, 17 March 2010 @ 2:25pm

  399. 399: TinaNo Gravatar says:

    My first reaction was to ship him off to his grandmothers house. :) she would love that! and so wouldnt he, she gloats at my failure as a mom. She was not a “good mother” I have a lot of issues with my mom, a lot of repressed anger grrrrrrrrrrr. My mom would be the first person to stab me in the back. I cant say NO to mom :) she’s a master manipulator, mind effer, but every one thinks she is soooooooooooo sweet.

    Wednesday, 17 March 2010 @ 2:34pm

  400. 400: SoignéeNo Gravatar says:

    Dear Goodheart:

    please use this, you will have a great emotion. Play, be an actress.

    You enter the room, you see the guy, you give him a great smile and say him
    “Honey, I know that you missed your luck. “Give him a smile and a kiss. And continue: “And I missed you, too”.

    Please try. Please play. Enjoy, be joyful, a flirty goddess.
    Saying the word “luck”referring to you, will be associated in your man’s mind with a great emotion and that YOU are his luck.

    Play. I did today, it was a great success.

    Wednesday, 17 March 2010 @ 2:38pm

  401. 401: JenniferNo Gravatar says:

    OOOOO Tina…I feel angry hearing about your mother. I HATE that. Especially the part where other people think she’s sweet. I feel like “really…pay attention shit heads”

    Wednesday, 17 March 2010 @ 2:38pm

  402. 402: heartbeatNo Gravatar says:

    LOL Erika – I LOVE this: ‘I enjoy coming up with new ways to say “no.” Impertinent, bratty, curt, polite, silent, surprised, aghast …’

    I can really get that, it feels fun and interesting. I’m imagining saying NO from different parts of my body…. interesting – my left big toe says NO in a cheeky way, my right shoulder says NO in a don’t mess with me way, my stomach says NO in a deep healing way. I’m practising from all bits of me!

    Lucy – I’m excited too, I’ve been into Eckhart Tolle and Marianne Williamson for some time; also body work, and using spontanious images (drawn or imagined – I use this in my work a lot). I’m grateful for the books and I love anything that focuses on feelings.

    I’m feeling REALLY tired tonight – just a couple too many threads going on at work – if I could clone myself…. so I’m taking an early night and a lot of zzzzzz. I’m appreciating all the comments Sirens. Night night xxxx

    Wednesday, 17 March 2010 @ 2:40pm

  403. 403: SoignéeNo Gravatar says:

    I will be a great goddess. I will communicate in short feeling messages, in playful messages, I will create emotions. I will be associated in the guy’s mind with “sun, love, happiness, lightness, kindness, feminine energy”. And if someone is going to be bad with me, I will be bitchy. This will be my new me.
    I will be a mysterious woman, real to me and hard-to-get. Only the very right man, who will actively love me will know the whole me. The other people not. I will be a CAT woman. Indipendent, soft and hard.
    It is my dream. i am working on it. I am playing and enjoying the coming spring.

    Wednesday, 17 March 2010 @ 2:43pm

  404. 404: TinaNo Gravatar says:

    Jennifer :) she would call and leave messages say 5 in a row demanding that I get off my computer, so I can talk to her about picking some some shit she doesnt want, like a dresser , could be a table whatever, she thinks she’s doing me a favor by giving me her crap lol or I mean she trys to convince me what a great thing she is doing. She has a “master manipulator voice” I’ve learned to recogize.

    Wednesday, 17 March 2010 @ 2:46pm

  405. 405: GoodheartNo Gravatar says:

    Soignee, if only I had a man to play with! :-) Right now I am in the waiting for him to show up phase.

    Where were you a couple months ago? LOL

    I was actually attracted to someone then. But I will keep this & I promise you the minute I want to work magic on some deserving fellow, I will pull it out & let you know how it goes. Thank you. You know, I will actually practice this in my mind for when the time comes!

    Wednesday, 17 March 2010 @ 2:47pm

  406. 406: JenniferNo Gravatar says:

    Master manipulator voice……DELETE!!!!!!!!!

    Wednesday, 17 March 2010 @ 2:48pm

  407. 407: SoignéeNo Gravatar says:

    Dear Girls,

    I discovered a great thing. Every woman knows about it. I knew about it. But it was confirmed and re-confirmed by so many people and men, especially.

    The men find the woman very attractive when she does not pay attention to him.
    I started finally to relax. Before I showed in some way that I cared or showed the attention with smile etc. But I discovered that the men find the woman attractive when she does not show any interest in him. “Why, me, the bestest thing forever in the world and this woman does not see me? “This is the man psychology.

    I finally relax. The men will find me more attractive when I do not care. Such a relief. Such a break. Such relax!!! My God, I love that I do not have to over function, to try to please. I can finally relax and do not care. I will take care of myself. I will spend my energy on me. And I will be more attractive to the men in this way. I will be hard-to-get.

    Wednesday, 17 March 2010 @ 2:49pm

  408. 408: TinaNo Gravatar says:

    I could write NO on my butt cheeks and flash her as I pass by her house hehehe.

    Wednesday, 17 March 2010 @ 2:57pm

  409. 409: SoignéeNo Gravatar says:


    I will try every possible play and joke and everything what I find ok.
    i will be a master of flirt. I will play.

    My real-me will be discovered step-by-step. It is not necessary that everybody around me knows my real sensitive, kind “me” where I can be hurt.
    no, no, no. I will be a mysterious Cat woman. And i will play. But the man who will love me will discover my true “me”, vulneralble, sensitive, kind, weak and he will go crazy. Because I will be me with him.

    So is my phylosophy. I am tired of people who profit of me, because I showed my kind “me”. I was taken advantage of this kind, childish, girly part. They took me for fool, because I am in my heart a little bit naive, idialistic. Because I love the world. And when I show it, this love for free, i am taken advantage of. No, my soft part will be shown to the people who love me. And the man will discover my most feminine “me”only if he deserves.

    I am tired of being taken advantage of. I will be anoymous when I do some good to someone, I will keep it to me, because I cherish the other people’s joy.

    But the people outside won’t know about it.

    I will be my most feminine goddess.
    And with men and with bad people, I will definitely be bitchy, I will fight with word and mind and I will defend myself.

    My experience.

    It is not over-function, these are my rules based on my own experience. Because I am sure in this way, I will live better.

    Wednesday, 17 March 2010 @ 2:58pm

  410. 410: JenniferNo Gravatar says:

    Hey Tina..Write no on the toe of your shoe when you plant it in her badonkadonk.
    I’m just sayin.

    Wednesday, 17 March 2010 @ 2:58pm

  411. 411: GoodheartNo Gravatar says:

    Soignee, I will always be all of me.

    I will trust myself & my feelings.

    I will know the good ones from the bad ones. The deserving from the not. I will not worry. They can all see & experience the playful, flirty, goddessy me. But none can possess me. I am the referee of my game. I will call the shots.

    I will believe in the divine bliss of the magic that is me.

    I will be soft yet strong.

    I will relax & let them come.

    Wednesday, 17 March 2010 @ 3:27pm

  412. 412: Rori RayeNo Gravatar says:

    Lovely, Soignee….Rori

    Wednesday, 17 March 2010 @ 4:25pm

  413. 413: Rori RayeNo Gravatar says:

    Kat, Welcome – and I’m thrilled at how much self-awareness you’ve been able to have with all that you’ve been enduring. I feel only love for you, and respect that you’re still standing after all this, and know we will all help you and support you here. AS for this man and your marriage…here’s my advice, and yes, it is “tough”:
    1. Find a way to make some money – you can do all kinds of clerical things online as a virtual assistant at elance.com or data entry at mturk.com and never leave your home. this will up your self-esteem.

    2. Look into your options for ending this marriage now…financially. He will have to help you support the children – and you’ll have to figure out a way to make it. If you can’t, if you need to be in the house with him in order to survive financially – then you must disengage emotionally. I had a friend who did this – who ended up living in the same home as her ex and turning him into a genuine friend because she loved the house so much – and then met a man and married him and moved out – so there you are…

    3. Please just stop looking at this man as any kind of “fit” husband – he isn’t. The rest is a step-by-process to saving your life. Love, Rori

    Wednesday, 17 March 2010 @ 4:35pm

  414. 414: Rori RayeNo Gravatar says:

    Alicia, Welcome – and so sorry it took so long for me to find your comments…look forward to all you have to say…Love, Rori

    Wednesday, 17 March 2010 @ 4:37pm

  415. 415: Rori RayeNo Gravatar says:

    Kate, Welcome – and I’m not sure how the breakup went, but there’s a third way here – and that’s to continue to date him, but not exclusively. This is Circular Dating – and you can do it…However – from just this – it sounds like he’s trying to “let you down easy.” He simply is “not in love” – whatever that means to him…I think all of us here would agree with this (let me know if you feel otherwise, please): that if he isn’t doing the job of taking this to the next level HIMSELF – then he’s simply not Mr. Right. After this time…yes, the job’s an issue, yes there are things going on – but if he’s not feeling it (forget about the BF/GF label) – there’s just an “attraction” missing for him – and it has nothing to do with YOU – it’s just not the right mix. Now – if you get out there and practice Circular Dating and learn to open up and be vulnerable and have fun and express yourself – he’ll likely show up (they always do…) and then you can add him to your rotation if you like. If you stay away, he will not “forget” about you. But don’t sit and pine – you have to go out and find a way to have FUN!!Love, Rori

    Wednesday, 17 March 2010 @ 4:50pm

  416. 416: Rori RayeNo Gravatar says:

    Alicia – you haven’t messed up. Long distance sucks. What you need to do now is Circular Date and let him figure this out without having to “commit” to a relationship he’s not ready for. If you CD – you’ll be busy and your energy will shift – he’ll pick up on that. Love, Rori

    Wednesday, 17 March 2010 @ 4:52pm

  417. 417: Rori RayeNo Gravatar says:

    mackenzie, Welcome – and you are right on track!!! Keep doing what you’re doing…Love, Rori

    Wednesday, 17 March 2010 @ 4:53pm

  418. 418: Rori RayeNo Gravatar says:

    mackenzie, easy solution – don’t be picky. I seriously mean that – talk to any man who looks at you. Be curious. go out with any man who takes you anywhere and practice the Tools. You will grow, you will learn, you will meet men who are unlike any men you’ve met before – it will be a good thing for you – and for them. Mr. Wrong is a man who treats you in a way that doesn’t feel good to you – and even HE’S just a messenger, showing up to assist you. There is no such thing as a Mr. Wrong who shows you a good time and pays attention to you and makes you feel happy about yourself. Shift your thinking from looking at the future and date to learn to stay present. This is all a glorious meditation. Love, Rori

    Wednesday, 17 March 2010 @ 4:56pm

  419. 419: Rori RayeNo Gravatar says:

    Courtney, Welcome, and I’m thrilled that you’re on your feet and moving forward in your life. I’m so thrilled about that, especially after all the pain and trauma you’ve endured – that I don’t much care about how this man works out – and I know you DO care…so –I know you know you’re going to visit him is overfunctioning. And it’s something that you’re going to have to stop doing – and yet I know it’s how you see him, so stepping back is going to be challenging for you. I’m going to email you and send you an e-copy of my “true story novel” Finding Sarah – you might find it helpful to you… (If anyone else would like it, let me know – I’ll put up a download page somewhere on my CoachRori.com site – or the link to the Amazon page.) Love, Rori

    Wednesday, 17 March 2010 @ 5:20pm

  420. 420: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Rori I want it!!!!

    Wednesday, 17 March 2010 @ 5:58pm

  421. 421: JeannetteNo Gravatar says:

    I know this sounds crappy, but one of the reasons I don’t answer my ex long distances e-mails is because I think he is trying to keep his foot in the door while he dates other women. I just don’t like it when they think they can have their cake and eat it too!

    Wednesday, 17 March 2010 @ 6:08pm

  422. 422: Erika AwakeningNo Gravatar says:

    Always an amazingly transformative question to ask ourselves when we notice we are judging others (from A Course in Miracles) is:

    “Would I accuse myself of this?”

    Wednesday, 17 March 2010 @ 7:35pm

  423. 423: Erika AwakeningNo Gravatar says:

    I just posted my first Goddess photo:



    Wednesday, 17 March 2010 @ 8:19pm

  424. 424: SienaNo Gravatar says:

    Oh Kate, I feel for you! I went through the exact same type of breakup about two months ago… he was the perfect man for me, and the breakup came as a complete surprise to me.

    I don’t have anything to add to what Rori said, but just want to offer you support.

    And I also believe that they *always* come back. That’s a given… in the meantime, there’s plenty of great support and tools here – this is a great place, I hope you hang out!

    With love,


    Wednesday, 17 March 2010 @ 8:22pm

  425. 425: SienaNo Gravatar says:

    Mackenzie, I’m so glad you’re doing the journaling thing. Totally works for me, I hope you love it too!

    Rori, every time I read one of your posts, I feel so much love and gratitude for you! You are an amazing woman, and I am so grateful that you have created this space and your programs… you are truly a blessing!

    Much love,


    Wednesday, 17 March 2010 @ 8:27pm

  426. 426: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Would I accuse myslef of this?

    mor eon that later

    stay tunned after dinner

    Wednesday, 17 March 2010 @ 8:36pm

  427. 427: lmNo Gravatar says:

    erika – wow!

    Wednesday, 17 March 2010 @ 8:42pm

  428. 428: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    wow Erika – hubba hubba

    Wednesday, 17 March 2010 @ 9:14pm

  429. 429: mackenzieNo Gravatar says:

    Rori, I want to echo what Siena said. You are changing my life in such a big way and I’m sharing some of this stuff with my friends and changing their lives too. Please feel happy that you are doing so much good :-). I know deep down in my heart that I am headed for happiness like I have never had in my life. Love you….

    Wednesday, 17 March 2010 @ 9:37pm

  430. 430: AliciaNo Gravatar says:

    In response to Kate –

    I noticed you said you always seemed “on guard” with him since I never felt secure about whether he thought we were BF/GF. Next you say, If everything seemed right and going along at a good pace, why did he feel he could not go to the second level with me?

    I think if you listen to yourself.. maybe it would be wise to lean way back.

    Most girls sometimes are into it more then the guy is. Give him plenty of space and he’ll figure out. Plus mentally the best thing to do is date others. It will be good for you. And you would be suprised.. Pulling back totally works. That is pulling back and be in control. Don’t cry to him… I say happy little ego strokes and pull back. Like, If he calls on the phone.. laugh tell him how he makes you laugh (if that is true) and cut the call short. He already feels pressure and a ego blow not working and men want to be hero’s. Show him rather than tell him what a catch you are and others value your time.

    Create the same distance that his giving you and see if his feelings come up. We all like what feels like an adventure, give him that chase. I do think most all guys tap the breaks at one point or another and the way you handle it makes all the difference.

    My guy did that.. I pulled way back and my phone started ringing off the hook. The more I ignored his call until I felt like I was in a good mood to talk, the more he called. But, I got scared and broke up with him. And he totally was leaning forward. But, the next day I regreted my choice and then I totally leaned way way forward.. Huge mistake!!! I learned my lesson, when in doubt.. lean back and trust me he will come your way. (.. just test and try it for the future.) 😉

    Wednesday, 17 March 2010 @ 10:18pm

  431. 431: AliciaNo Gravatar says:

    Thanks you responses Rori!! That was sweet and you are right on target with the expert advice! :) Now, I’m pretty sure I know the answer but in regards to long distance is 1.5 or 2 hours way really long distance??? Not as bad as another state but, yes I’m sure it is. And “I saw your advice to “Courtney” about visiting him”. Is that wrong? My guy lives out in the country and I LOVE going there. We get to play with the horses, golf and spend time with his family (which was great for me, they are so loving) And I get his full attention. When he comes here.. I just had a apartment and his friends are around becuase he moved and they want to see them too. So, it’s more fun for me when I’m there in the country. He takes care of me more.. haha :) But, what is the rule of thumb?? I’ve had to move in with friends of the family because I’m going back to school. Plus, I haven’t seen him in a long time.. But I would sure love to know for the future..

    Wednesday, 17 March 2010 @ 10:34pm

  432. 432: KateNo Gravatar says:

    Thank you for responding and letting me know what I can do to get past this pain.

    I do have some questions though: We attend the same small church and he usually ushers. I don’t want to stop going to church but feel that he may think I am checking up on him and feel pressured. What should I do?
    Also, next month, I am graduating from a school that I have been attending and we talked about him going (prior to breakup). Should I still invite him or leave him alone?
    We also belong to a social club together and have mutual friends. Should I not attend for awhile? It might hurt if I see him with someone else – even though he says he is not going to date anyone.
    Today I sent him a text saying “Happy St. Patricks Day already”. I did not get a response from him. Should I not have done that? As far as Circular Dating, I have never done this before and am a little skittish about going out with several men at one time. I want to be with my feelings, have trust in myself and not be anxious and tense to try and get them to like me (problem with breakup boyfriend). Is there a good conversation I can stick with? Any tips of not doing the same stupid behavior I have done in the past?
    I am seriously considering getting your ebook and Targeting Mr. Right in addition to getting some counseling on self-esteem with Virginia Clark. I appreciate your openness with me and look forward to some new answers here.
    Thank you.

    Wednesday, 17 March 2010 @ 10:51pm

  433. 433: KateNo Gravatar says:

    Hi Siena!

    Thank you for the emotional support. I will stick this out since you all seem to have alot of the same issues.

    Any constructive criticism or hopeful wisdom would do me alot of good.


    Wednesday, 17 March 2010 @ 10:52pm

  434. 434: KateNo Gravatar says:

    Hi Alicia!

    Thank you for the good suggestions. I will do exactly what you recommend. Maybe you can answer some questions or anyone else out there has advice?

    What is the next level that these guys are referring to if you have a great relationshp already? How does one get there if we are leaning back?

    What suggestions do you have for Circular Dating since I have never done this before? If I meet Mr. Right, I want to be up to the challenge of trusting myself.


    Wednesday, 17 March 2010 @ 11:03pm

  435. 435: AliciaNo Gravatar says:

    Ericka –

    I just read your post about the sub conscious mind and mind taking a leap. So you make the list of fear of failures, fears of success relate them to childhood and then “clear them out”.. But, what is clearing them out?? Is that making the child hood memory list? Just not sure about that last part.


    Wednesday, 17 March 2010 @ 11:17pm

  436. 436: TinaNo Gravatar says:

    Jennifer, I havnt used the NO tool yet, I could have used it tonight after 3 guys asked to take me home awe, I missed out, I just said NO. Before, I would have said no and squirmed around not feeling comfortable having to say NO, but tonight I handled it quite differently, anyway I had a lot of offers for sex, let’s just say. I got a lot of compliments too, Your a great singer to your beauiful, you looked really comfortable on the stage, like all night long. I really felt like a ROCKSTAR! When I walked I felt space was cleared, people moved! wow one young in particular was really hesitant to come up to me, he just leaned on this post and said HI, I said hi, anyway, I was feeling great, he asked me what I was doing, I said im singing later, he asked if I would go home with him, I said no, he asked why not, I said I’m in an exclusive relationship, showed my ring -rings are handy that way, anyway, he said what would it take, I said well, if I was single and looking for a one night stand you would have to have at least a nine inch cock , he said ok, I do have that he said, but I said I’m not single though awe that sucks! he said yeah true, he was in his early twenties. I didnt get the feeling he was a pervert just young and horny as hell.

    Wednesday, 17 March 2010 @ 11:31pm

  437. 437: TinaNo Gravatar says:

    “Truckman” wants to build us a nice big log home on the river. I asked if I wanted to start looking for land to clear. It’s only been four months and I want to get my “toxic man” cd before I do that so I know what kind of man I’m dealing with. Anyway, we had a “talk” before about how long we were going to do this exclusive thing, from what I understood it would be until april. We met in Nov, we became sexual around xmas time. I’ll have to remind him what the deal was lol. I’ve been having one hellofa good time dating myself :) while being in an exclusive relationship.

    Thursday, 18 March 2010 @ 12:02am

  438. 438: AliciaNo Gravatar says:

    KATE –

    NO text, No drunk dials or text (not that you would), No emails, No phone calls. Unless it’s in response to him. TRUST ME!!!

    Think back to when you two first met..
    I bet you were not sure about him and he was the one dialing away by text or phone. That’s how it was for me. My mind was on the guy before J.C. a guy I had been with (who ended up getting married to his nieghbor,) It was a year later and I was still kinda sad but, working out and feeling good and all the “sudden” J.C came along and he is hot and I thought hmmmmm just his masculine style put a smile on my face and in that moment he was patting me on the shoulder telling me he liked me. I laughed becuase he didn’t even know me and told him I liked lots of options let keep, need to keep them diversified so, sorry tiger.. wink wink. And he loved it. (and p.s. I was so just bluffing/flirting)

    Next thing was I really still didn’t care, I was scared and in a daze over the last guy, so I blew off his calls, I answered his text when and if I felt like it. I tested him in conversation, when he would text something really sexual before we even had a date, I would let him know he needed to bring more to the table then that (in a playful way). That I could walk out the door and meet tons of guys like that. And that I knew he wanted to be a good guy but, hadn’t met the right chick yet. Finally one day he was like geesh I’m JUST playin. I made super light of it and said.. LOL.. I’ve been waiting for you to tell me when you’ve had enough.. I was just testing you! 😉 – Trust me, It only peaked his interest and he knew I was not some play thing. He drove two hours to come see me and would text me and call me and sure enough he won me over.

    (Now what I think and feel about him is so opposite but, I know how this works, I’ve got to tap into the receptive vibe I had before)

    That was then and this is now… Now, I have to get my head on strait and get back in the game. He pulled back, I pulled forward and then back, then broke up with him, then pulled forward LOL :)

    Ummmmm Now I KNOW lean back… even in the beginning when were dating I would make myself go on dinner dates with other guys and it worked. It will clear and shift the energy. It’s good for your ego and when he calls you will sound calm and self assured. If you have to make yourself get on a dating website do it. I am.. (even though it’s not really my thing, just the attention will be a side track in your head and make him less important)

    My heart want’s J.C.. SOOO much, but, I am in LEAN BACK MODE – like back bend style, even if I have to date a smurf to get the energy back in balance.. And I had older guys tell me this advice, not a text, not a email, and I had to learn for myself. But, I have tried both ways and this does work. Treat it like an experiment.. Be open to it. And also NO BOOTY CALLS. J.C. came into town over the summer, he texted me to come to his friends house, I returned the text saying sorry dude, I think you know me better then that it’s 11pm.. you must have me confused with some one else. Then my phone is ringing.. Alicia but, I was scared. I said sorry you can see me tommorrow, we talked on the phone for hours, the next day came and I texted him sorry I couldn’t see him.. ( I could have and I missed him but, I would not because he waited last minute.)

    And guess what?? On his drive back home he was texting me love songs. His respect for me only went up. Now, I get weak sometimes… but, I’m starting to get this. I’m open to new people and to having my relationship with J.C. restored because I have never laughed so much, or had a spiritual and spark like this before. But, if I find that spark with someone else then I’m sure he’ll sense it. He has all the freedom he needs and this gives me more time to better myself. Plus, ( all this gives you a huge edge on other girls) Even if your favorite dude dates another girl. Dont feel freaked out becuase he will likely tap the breaks and she will freak out. So be glad you can test this stuff now. My friend Amy had guys wrapped around her finger and she was just a natural. I always wondered how and she did this same stuff..

    (Hey girl, I totally understand your feelings about dating more then one guy at once. It feels kinda wierd but, I go into like “I’m open to guy friends attitude” until it feels more natural. Also, forget about that text you sent, just don’t do it again. And don’t feel the need to make up for it some how. I had a tight game and then I totally did the same thing a week ago and only in the last few minutes did I let it go. Focus on leaning back, Dating others..

    Also don’t hit him up on facebook and if you need to get off. I had too it was not making me feel good. Because pics can easily be mis read. And too many innocent thing that seems questionable can get your head in the wrong frame of mind. And you want to be and out Miss Cool and Confident. Oh and p.s. – if you really want to get his attention and it might be good for you. Try a different church.. Or go at a different service time. Who cares what he thinks. You will not make him miss you by seeing him at church. He might start to think you are dating someone else and that is good. And you might like someone else more anyways.

    And remember for the future when men and women have sex you release a bonding chemical called oxytocin it’s much stronger in women then it is in men. So sometimes the guy we do that with. We may feel like we are all in love but, really we may not be. Anyway, this is just another reason not allow a guy to booty call. Unless you can handle that in a non exclusive realtionship, if you can then that is up to you. I realize more and more that I can not.

    Finally, the way to take it to the next level with a guy who is pausing on you is to lean back. And let him come to you. See what he has to say and how he acts.. then you can always give a power speech. But, not while he is stuck in neutral. And if he does call you, let him know you are dating and oh by the way.. I just heard my doorbell must be a date.. lol. and get off the phone quickly until you can feel like your happy self that attracted him to start out with.

    Helpful tools: Everything Rori says and has, books and tapes!!!

    Two can play that Game. – with Vivica Fox
    The Ugly Truth – Kathering Heigl, Gerad Butler
    (pay attention to call she makes and Gerad saves her)

    All of Rori’s
    Men are from Mars, Women from Venus On a Date
    Why Men Love Bitches ( B meant in a fun way)
    Why Men Marry Bitches

    lol.. longest message ever.. That’s all I have to say for this week and next. :) TAKE CARE!!

    Thursday, 18 March 2010 @ 1:13am

  439. 439: LindaNo Gravatar says:

    Great Post Alicia. Encouraging. The vibe in you post makes me feel uplifted and hopeful.


    Thursday, 18 March 2010 @ 5:23am

  440. 440: KatarinaNo Gravatar says:

    Rori, thank you so much for your response and kind words. You validated much of what I already knew deep down but didn’t trust myself to believe 100%. Hearing it from someone objective really hits home. I have a lot of work to do in the areas of trusting myself to make good decisions. I always have needed approval from others to feel comfortable and have a hard time not believing negative things that are said to me about myself. I know that I have my own intimacy issues so I voluntarily took the blame for the relationship problems.

    I just recently started doing some accounting work from home and that has definitely helped my self-worth as you suggested. It is frustrating to me as prior to having the kids I had a professional career that allowed me to provide for myself quite adequately.

    As for the relationship, before reading your book and blog, I felt compelled to help him and hang in there due to the traumatic issues he has experienced since childhood. I now understand that this would only destroy our chances for a romantic relationship even if he were to heal. And since he’s not actively trying to get better anyway…

    It’s tough for me because I love him, and he’s saying he wants the relationship and showing it at times, yet I still end up feeling uneasy more often than I’d like. Things would be going great….we would both be happy and then he seemed to deliberately sabbotage everything. This has been noted by our friends as well.

    Thanks again for the “tough” words. I know you’re right, and surprisingly they were not hard for me to hear at all. I’m sure I’ll be commenting here more often as we are in one of these transitional phases and I will need some support sticking to my guns!

    Thanks again for listening.

    Thursday, 18 March 2010 @ 5:51am

  441. 441: JenniferNo Gravatar says:

    OOOOOO Tina…I feel sooo jealous….In a good way!
    My river of men is at low tide or something.
    It’s my own fault really, I haven’t been going out.
    I have a profile up on POF but I only seem to be getting really overweight, out of work dudes who are happy to just email me.
    I’m going to get working on clearing that out as soon as I get over this bronchitis.
    I am working on dating myself, taking care of myself etc. Going to Rieke works tonight.
    OOOO I would just DIE if men said they wanted to take me home….and THREE of them!!!!
    I don’t think that’s ever happened to me!

    Thursday, 18 March 2010 @ 6:10am

  442. 442: LoriNo Gravatar says:


    I’m on POF as well and the quality of men isn’t great, but it’s a good way to get some instant distraction if you need some.

    I feel proud of myself cuz I rewrote my profile to talk about all of the things I like and want instead of trying to “sell” the men on MY good qualities. Now it reads like I already KNOW I’m a good catch, so what do THEY bring to the table!

    Thursday, 18 March 2010 @ 6:25am

  443. 443: JenniferNo Gravatar says:

    Hey Godessess….Here’s my profile from POF….My river of men is at a low tide and I’m a little bummed about it. Would you guys mind taking a look and commenting on anything I could tweak to get better responses? thanks!

    I love spending time with my family and friends, bbqing, hot tubbing… playing Wii and killing Zombies :-)

    I enjoy exciting day trips to events and museums and can’t wait to see the new King Tut Exhibition at the ROM.

    I think Shawn of the Dead is the funniest movie I have ever seen…

    I am looking for someone to try out new dining experiences and cultural festivals with me.

    I feel a sense of accomplishment when I finish a good book or educate myself on a topic of interest. I read everything from Twilight Sagas to books on Neuro-Psychiatry Research.

    I love to dance to everything from classic rock to pop and country. But when I’m alone, I listen to Janis Joplin…loud!!

    I dream about traveling to exotic and exciting destinations, but the trip I would really like to try involves a four masted sailing vessel and the Bahamas.

    I am passionate, intelligent, a good listener and loyal.

    Animals always like me. Even the really nasty ones. Even the wild ones.

    Babies always like me. Even the cranky ones.

    I once brought down rain from the clear blue sky. No kidding.

    Thursday, 18 March 2010 @ 6:35am

  444. 444: Erika AwakeningNo Gravatar says:


    The “clearing out” part is what I teach on my 7-day video course. It’s kinesthetic (using your whole body) so it’s easier demonstrated by video. You can get the course for free by clicking on my name.

    Thursday, 18 March 2010 @ 8:36am

  445. 445: Erika AwakeningNo Gravatar says:

    Georgia, you wrote:

    “Erika I need your help and many thanks in advance :)

    “I tried EFT these few days and found my root problem.

    “That is when my dad left me when I was 7. And I found out I am attracted to guys who has the same background like mine, lack of parental love, lack of confidence etc.

    “EFT do helps me a lot, it calms my fears. but something weird happened after I found my root problem, I feel uncomfortable and feel lost something inside. I feel like there’s a gap to my previous good feelings.

    “What does it mean? Is it mean I need to reprogram all? or Is it mean the root problem now is raking up and blocked my way? If that so I need to eliminate it completely? I feel really confused.”

    Yes, I have worked with many people who lost a parent to death or abandonment or even just unavailability through divorce. This kind of loss, which is rarely grieved in an effective way in our society, has PROFOUND consequences later on, as we find it very difficult to be vulnerable and trust with anyone for fear of becoming deeply attached and losing that person.

    Unfortunately, too, we have karmic patterning imprinted in us after that incident that makes it MORE likely we will be abandoned again.

    This must be erased.

    As for your specific question, I would need to know a lot more details to give you the most helpful answer. I invite you to sign up for a session with me so we can unravel this.

    My intuition based on the little you said is that the issue is not fully cleared yet, but the little “gap” you are noting is probably just temporary disorientation.

    HBR works in part by “disorienting” our habitual, egoic, karmic patterns. Once disoriented, the mind has no choice but to create a new pattern (which is a GOOD thing, it opens the way to new and happier outcomes). In the transition, it can indeed feel a bit disorienting. Sessions often take a few days or even a week to integrate fully.

    Without knowing more details, I can’t be 100% sure that’s what’s going on for you. It’s much easier for me to give effective help for specific situations in a live session where you can tell me all about it, and I can tune in to emotional nuances, pinpoint what is going on (I can usually do this very quickly), and resolve it.


    Thursday, 18 March 2010 @ 8:43am

  446. 446: SienaNo Gravatar says:


    Re “the next level”… I would recommend that you check out Rori’s “Commitment Blueprint”, especially the relationship timeline.

    This was a HUGE eye opener for me! Rori talks about how we, as women, have a bunch of milestones that we think are important in a “relationship”, and men don’t.

    We have first date, first kiss, sex, meet the family… etc. etc. — and we think we’re moving forward in a relationship.

    It’s different for a man. A man is just dating you until he puts marriage on the table (if marriage is what spells commitment to you. Some on this board are in long term relationships without marriage by their own choice). That’s the “next level”. Until that time, you’re *just* a date.

    And, as *just* a date, you act accordingly. Which means: you date other people, you don’t invite him places, you don’t send him texts, emails, cards, etc. You lean wayyyyyyyyyyyy back.

    Like so far back that all you can do is support yourself. Have you ever done that in a chair? Leaned so far back that you can only use your arms to keep you on balance? You can’t use them to text, call, email? LOL, it’s just like that.

    Your man won’t forget about you. He will likely find another girl to date while you two are not seeing each other, but again – unless marriage is on the table for them – she’s just a date too.

    When he comes back into the picture and asks you out again, if you choose to see him, he’s just a date. You don’t give up your other men until he puts marriage (or real commitment) on the table. BTW, this doesn’t work the opposite way – he can’t be dating other women while he’s dating you.

    We do this because we sirens know that we are the BEST thing that ever happened to our men, and that marriage/real commitment is SO GOOD for them. So this isn’t man-hating, it’s man-loving. And they need us to behave in this way in order to feel like real men. It’s our gift to them!

    Much love,


    Thursday, 18 March 2010 @ 9:15am

  447. 447: KateNo Gravatar says:

    Thanks for the great advice! I have never leaned back before so this is going to feel quite strange. Do I do this with new men I meet online too? I don’t want to appear bored especially if I do like them if I lean to far back on a date.
    I do have a dilemna though: Saturday night I guy I met at Happy Hour (ex BF was with me in a group of friends) asked me to go to a house party he was hosting. He seems to be interested in me. Problem is that my ex BF may be there. Should I go? How should I treat my ex? Just pretend I have no interest or just mindset we are friends and be cool confident, no tension. Lean back and flirt madly with others? Or go with the attitude “everyone is a guy friend and just relax and not be nervous with anyone?” Easier said than done BTW. I should have dated others when I started dating my ex BF but felt that since he was not going to, I would honor that and did not either. Pretty much one guy person at a time. Maybe if I had I would not have been so tense all the time and won the connection he was searching for.
    So now I am trying to use the feeling words with all men but still not sure of myself and don’t want to go back into the old “tense” traps. Got any more great advice?

    Thursday, 18 March 2010 @ 9:27am

  448. 448: Rori RayeNo Gravatar says:

    Thank you all so much for helping Kate out and expressing some of these Tools in such beautiful, personal and girl ways…I loved this – “Have you ever done that in a chair? Leaned so far back that you can only use your arms to keep you on balance? You can’t use them to text, call, email? LOL, it’s just like that…” Sienna, may I build a tool around it? Love, Rori

    Thursday, 18 March 2010 @ 10:40am

  449. 449: Rori RayeNo Gravatar says:

    Thank you, Alicia…..Love, Rori

    Thursday, 18 March 2010 @ 10:45am

  450. 450: JenniferNo Gravatar says:

    Wow..I’m just really a mean nasty jealous bitch today.
    My “money friend” Just put an offer down on a fantastic new house.
    I guess then that the house she lives in for free isn’t good enough for her.
    She has to have 6 bedrooms and an inground pool.
    And who’s paying for that? Not her. She profited $60 K from her house sale but apparently that’s “her” money.
    And while this is happening..is he angry cause she’s selfish? No. He’s texting her love notes and sending her flowers from his posting.
    I’m going to go to bed, I may not come out for a while. I hate feeling this way.
    I hate my stupid “working two jobs to make ends meet…having to go to nunavut to pay my debts” life.
    I hate my pathetic “only over weight jobless dudes need apply” love life.
    I’m just going to cry for a while. I feel like a little kid. I want to throw myself on the ground and scream and kick and freak out.
    I’m sure this is bad karma.

    Thursday, 18 March 2010 @ 11:08am

  451. 451: SienaNo Gravatar says:

    ooooh! I would feel so honored, Rori! Of course you can build a tool around the chair analogy!!

    Thursday, 18 March 2010 @ 11:08am

  452. 452: JeannetteNo Gravatar says:

    Daria, I liked what you wrote about leaning all the way back. But…..I just replied to my ex long distance’s e-mails after not responding for a couple of days. He called me night before last and so I felt I should give him some acknowledgment. I just feel like I am playing a stupid game and I would rather just write him or call and say, “Hey, I have to be myself here and this does not feel like myself.” I want to say, “Look, if you really don’t want to be with me anymore than why are we doing this?!” I am really hurt that he left me and I really don’t want to be nice right now, get what I mean?

    Thursday, 18 March 2010 @ 12:34pm

  453. 453: LoriNo Gravatar says:


    YOU sound amazing. I’d just put more of what you like in a man and are looking for in a relationship.

    Thursday, 18 March 2010 @ 6:38pm

  454. 454: LoriNo Gravatar says:


    DON’T be nice if that’s not what you feel. If you feel angry about him stringing you along, tell him so in your reply to his email! I would put it in feeling messages though. I’m not, but some of the women on here are fabulous at feeling messages.

    Thursday, 18 March 2010 @ 7:08pm

  455. 455: KateNo Gravatar says:

    Hi Rori. I am listening to your Committment Blueprint CD and am confused about something you talk about. Personal mantra. When I am able to put together something like this, you mention that your old boyfriend will come back to you. However, if I don’t contact him and he doesn’t know that I am working on new behavior – how is he going to know to possibly contact me again?
    Also, when I meet someone for the first time, is it good to have a personal mantra to repeat to myself or is this just when I feel like I am in a desperate position?
    Thank you.

    Thursday, 18 March 2010 @ 8:53pm

  456. 456: GeorgiaNo Gravatar says:

    Hi Erika thanks for your reply xx. I think I cant afford for the course right now. I posted this a few days ago but couldn’t get in maybe the website was down. Now I feel so much better. I believe I can do it. and trust my heart will guide me

    Heartbeat I love this -The transformation into being fully who you came here to be starts with this awareness

    Thursday, 18 March 2010 @ 9:09pm

  457. 457: Erika AwakeningNo Gravatar says:

    No worries, Georgia.

    I would just invite you to be aware of the language you use, because every time we say “I can’t afford,” the subconscious mind becomes more convinced that it lives in scarcity.

    To keep myself honest, I immediately switch to “I am choosing not to afford …” because EVERYTHING is a choice.

    We can take far more conscious control over what happens to us once this is realized.

    I find that when I start spending money on anything I feel inspired about, the funds for it show up.

    Anyway, I am going to sign off the blog for now because my own personal giving/receiving balance is out of kilter, and it’s time for me to take a vacation and receive for a while.

    It has been lovely mingling among the Goddesses.

    ‘Til next time … xoxo

    Thursday, 18 March 2010 @ 9:18pm

  458. 458: GeorgiaNo Gravatar says:

    I am choosing not to afford because I know my budget 😆

    Rori’s work and product, Erika’s work and all the things recomended by the Ladies here are really worth to invest in.

    I am choosing to trust my heart
    I am choosing to trust Rori’s tool
    I am choosing to stick to this blog
    I am choosing to earn more $$ 👿

    Erika – wish you a nice enjoyable vacation xoxo

    Thursday, 18 March 2010 @ 10:24pm

  459. 459: Rori RayeNo Gravatar says:

    Kate – Personal Mantra is for you. Whenever. Keep it changing, keep it feeling good, keep it impactful, keep it about loving YOU. It’s not an “affirmation” – it’s a statement of love for you…I’d love to read some if you’d all like to share…today I’m into – “I can feel peaceful, I want to feel peaceful, I am about peace, I deserve to feel peaceful, even though I don’t feel peaceful I deeply and profoundly love and accept myself…” Anything that feels good…when you shift your energy from forward leaning into a man to focusing on yourself and sort of forgetting about him – men just show up. They drop from the skies, come out from the woodwork – old boyfriends, men from high school…I’m very esoteric, and I believe people get all sorts of subliminal messages from each other…that a man can feel your energy through the ethers across the world….Love, Rori

    Thursday, 18 March 2010 @ 10:56pm

  460. 460: Erika AwakeningNo Gravatar says:

    Vulnerability …

    Feels very demotivating to hear “can’t afford.”

    Reminds me of my mom who said “can’t afford” to all the things that mattered to me and the family while she spent money on things that didn’t serve anyone, herself included.

    My issue, not yours, you can be sure I’ll tap on it, but it triggers me to feel very unmotivated to continue offering free advice.

    Thursday, 18 March 2010 @ 11:18pm

  461. 461: Erika AwakeningNo Gravatar says:

    It triggers resentment.

    My issue, this is exactly the type of issue I resolve with HBR.

    So, as Rori says, I am taking care of myself and pulling back to zero. :)

    By taking an indefinite leave of absence. :)

    Thursday, 18 March 2010 @ 11:23pm

  462. 462: AliciaNo Gravatar says:

    Thanks Linda.. that was sweet.

    I can say… I remember the exact time and hour I took back my power and everything changed for me:

    My step mom who told me I was supposed to be an abortion when I was just a teen trying to figure out my self esteem and I had a dad who had a severe explosive disorder. (Like corner me and punch holes next to my face, for the wind blowing in the wrong direction and shoving my head around by the back of my neck. He would fly off into a rage and he told me he wish I was never born.) (My grandma was on a plane the next day and he said he didn’t remember) Can you imagine? I walked on complete egg shells and could not escape the fear and pain. I couldn’t put to words what I was feeling or even understand it then. Or know my future could be better. I ended up in the hospital at 17 and moved out at 18.

    I felt so afraid to make mistakes, very very afraid to be loved or love. (hello long distance relationships.. haha) It’s taken years to learn the truth about my self worth and value.. I just turned 33. ( Only this last year I just said okay God, if they are in my life to learn the power of forgiveness then so be it. That journey took awhile to get to.)

    The point is once I took my power back, it was like I burst out of a cocoon and started flying..

    Power Back story: ( feel free to skip it.. :) )
    Basically my Grandma is my rock, A year ago she was sick and she had asked my dad to keep her ring in a safe place, and he knows how she feels about my step mom.

    When my grandma was in the hospital, he told me he was going to give the ring to my step mom because…. (drum roll please….) she did not like that way I talked to her and the way my grandma treated her when I was kid. (I went SPEECHLESS) After all I put up with and have had to overcome is this really what I just heard (WTF???)

    I’m, sitting there at 32 looking at him like, is this for real, I was a 11yrs old? I told him with tears, that grandma had raised me while he was working over sea’s and she and I still talked everyday.. he knew we had the closest relationship and the ring was important to me IF she died and she is not dead yet, so it’s not for him to decide. (That’s all I said, *remember that*)

    I left very hurt and feeling like am I crazy? Who treats their daughter like this. ( that kind of treatment makes you question you worth. But, I was about to be done letting people decide that for me.)

    SO, next thing I know as God would plan it.. My step mom calls and tells me that I owe HER an apology before I can visit the house again.????? ( LOL- seriously??) Ummmm what? I said, For what? She said for disrespecting her at the house and my dad told her what I said about the ring. I told her I didn’t regret anything I said. (Until this moment I had an obvious fear of speaking up for myslef to her and my dad.)

    But not that day…. OH NO HONEY CHILD!! After all those years and the garbage I took from them. That day is what I call DIVINE ORDER, and like the Good Lord says..fear not! (The feeling of I deserve to be treated better than this dang it!! BOILED up in me and I spoke out.. LOOK I don’t owe you anything! And if anyone owes some one an apology.. YOU DO for telling me I was to be an abortion. Remeber I was the child and you were the adult. You’re intention was to hurt me.. and you know it. Now I’m the adult and I am done with this! She said I wasn’t allowed in the house. I said look lady it’s the (F’ing) HARRIN house!! It’s not your house! I was there 11 years before you came along… So nice try. And I don’t want to be there so have it, keep it. And bye bye, good luck lady, you’re gonna need it. CASE CLOSED!!

    Once I faced the fear and got in touch with my anger, to the people who hurt me most. Oh my!!!!

    The cap came off, my passion for life came back and if I could stand up to them, Oh trust me, Only then could stand up to any guy or person trying to pull shit with me that was disrespectful, and gave me opportunity to speak up for myself. It was like my attitude was bring it on.. I’ll be happy to tell or show ya like it is..

    And from that point on, I became a new person, I truly forgave my parents, and walked into a new realm. I was just more self assured and peaceful and smiled more.

    When those “test” came – Test showing up like, Have you passed that type of treatment yet? Are you ready to go to the next personal level? Will you sit there and be a doormat or speak out what you will and wont put up with and follow it up with actions?

    Now I know a new me..
    Honestly, Only then I was able to speak my mind to men and not be a doormat. I’m also NOT afraid to rock to the boat. I’m still improving but, it was night and day and everyone around me, people who knew me for years were like what on earth is going on with you? What ever it is it’s AWESOME!! I found my voice.. and that’s when J.C. showed up, BOOM just like that! And even J.C. stood back and said.. I know you are a self respecting woman… I’m just not used to it from girls.. Dang!! That becuase I’m NOT just any girl.. dude. Better bring your A game.. haha)

    And I can say before my actions and lies I believed about my worth before were teaching men to treat me in a not great way. Now it’s soooo amazingly different. By the Grace of God and the tools and teachers he put in my life. I’m changed.


    I try and renew my mind everyday. My mom is really into the “Word” as in christian terms. :) And she is always telling me that our thoughts control our emotions, emotions to feelings, and in her words- the enemy can creep up on you in your thought life. Have you ever felt rejected when the person was actually doing something really innocent? She says.. Let’s face it, the devil doesnt come with a big red pitch fork…

    So pay attention to what you put your thoughts on and keep replaying in your head. ( She understands the tape I sometimes play in my head from my past.. and now I have freedom from that.)

    As a kid I couldn’t help it, I based my worth on how my parents treated me. Now I base it on what God says about me and His positive affirmations, plus my own.

    Now instead of focusing on the negative after a little “venting” focus on what you want. The outcome you want to see. I’m pretty emotional at times.. lol and there is no stopping PMS combined with a short fuse. haha. :) Plus everything is easier said and then done.

    Everyone who is on here is seeking self help.. and when you know better, you do better and attract better people or restored relationships to you. It’s just a matter of time.

    P.S. :
    For the record.. I’m home all day, so this is apparently my talking outlet.. and I’m using all my “alloted” daily words.. LOL :) And we know how women talk twice as much as men..

    Friday, 19 March 2010 @ 12:04am

  463. 463: AliciaNo Gravatar says:

    Kate – About the party..

    If you have a strong feeling he will be there then trust that feeling. Or just ask the guy who is having the party.. say well.. I already have plans that night but, might stop by after my “date”. Will (ex) be there?

    If he does not know think about it. But, creating space right now is good for him and you. And since you sent that text a few days ago. I say if he is for sure not there go, but if he is going – have other plans.

    It normal for girls to pull forward because thats how girl friendships work. If something is wrong you do what it takes to make it right.

    Men are opposite, they respond to no contact.
    Force yourself to do what feels opposite.. and don’t let your friends persuade you any other way.. Unless they have guys wrapped around their fingers. Trust the experts and speed your growth.

    I can only speak for myself but, I personally did not like seeing my ex with other girls when he was on a date and we were in the same location. That happened twice with two different girls and the second time it happened I could tell in the way she looked at him it was serious. Oh he invited me to sit down and bought me a drink and chit chat “friend” style with him and her..

    Ummm that night let’s just say my pillow did not stay dry. No matter how cool with it I acted I DID NOT feel good about it becuase it was so soon after.

    Literally a month later I was staring a pics of them in Europe on Face Book. Today I would not care. They have my blessing and I’m happy for him now, they were married within a year. They seem way more right for each other then we were. And honey you have no idea what God has up his sleeve and who is coming on to the stage next…

    Now, the next real guy (not just a date) that came into my life.. OMG sooooo a big sunday with cherry on top!!! :) :) God must have seen those tears and made up for it BIG TIME!! It was like the magnitude of pain I went thru with the old guy. I got the same degree of magnitude but in happiness and intimacy and attraction… (that guy came along, not gonna lie a year later, I would do all again.. you have no idea what is in store for you)

    Who knows what will happen but, really think about it and trust your HEART! Remember the ex missing you is good. And if you are NOT there and he is. He will probably wonder why you’re not and where your at. That is good..

    Whatever you do – do something fun that night.. I didn’t just love country music but, so many guys and hot ones country dance and it’s fun and different. :)

    You would be suprised. I was. Make plans.. Plus the guys ask for a dance and then after the song there is no pressure, they are off to the next song, or you can tell them to come back later, you want to rest that song out or have a drink with your friends.. and then the next guy is walking up. Plus you are treated like a lady! The guy totally leads..

    And if it’s a different scene for you that is all the better. You and your friends will have a laugh. I was blown away by, how it was so not me but, how much fun I had.. I just add to the mix of things to do.

    p.s.— In dating around, just get started, dancing is a great way.. you do get a feel for the guy leading, But, don’t worry about the next level.. that will come a little later. Just flirt and let the guys come to you.

    Feel the vibe out. I can dance with anyone.. but, if a guy is calling me too much, I back off a little or tell them I’m dating people and I’m open to friends but, that’s all for now. (That would be after a date or two.. or “getting to know you”. You might have great chemistry and decide to keep flirting it up) I pull the friend vibe with guys I am not into.

    The guys I like, I flirt with the chemistry in the air. I smile and challenge what they say in a playful way.. or if music is in the background I just start dancing in my personal space and singing along to the music. I get in my own zone and have fun.. and trust me they invade the space..

    Practice being truthful with the ones you aren’t into. To me – this is like “boundry setting” and is great practice with the guys you dont like and it tends to happen more often but, you’ll get a good at speaking up and saying no thanks, not so much, just friends. Do give them a chance sometimes you will be suprised how funny someone is and they really do make GREAT friends.

    Plus, the guys you do like.. you will be better able to set “physical boundries” with. Becuase you become good at teaching people to respect your boundries in general.

    And there is alot you can do and fun to be had. So no need to say I’m not having sex until I’m married or exclusive just yet, but know in advance what physical boundries feel right and at some point in all that fun, tap the breaks and call it a night. Plus, that trust it what adds to the spark and makes it more special. So it’s good practice no matter what! I would try to wait at least a month. But, everyone is different. And once you cross that line.. it is way harder to have the conversation after. Guys want sex first and then decide if they are ready for a girlfriend.. So, it’s takes being brave.

    You’ll know if it is right. You both will discuss at that point in order to for you to stop dating others and feel great about having trusting sex, you see yourself in a exclusive relationship, it’s feel right and you can be more open and special.

    (He’ll get it, plus it does not say with him, so he feels no pressure, he knows you are dating, and he will want it to be him, at that point you are just talking about sex and dating) This is after he is really really pursuing you and punching the gas for sex.

    For now.. Flirt and date and let the guys come your way :)

    Friday, 19 March 2010 @ 2:29am

  464. 464: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    omg Alicia – these posts are sooooo good. wow I feel teary

    Thank u for telling us what you say to guys youre not into… thats so awesome how youre giving them a chance still by telling them you can be friends… thats not closing down

    thisis soo helpful ive been tweaking this and feeling stuck

    ohhhh so good

    i love punching the gas for sex hehehe

    Friday, 19 March 2010 @ 3:17am

  465. 465: AliciaNo Gravatar says:


    This tool might work for you it has for me.. It’s a feeling letter. I’ll do an example..

    I always feel way more centered and then I either, send it or do not.. But looking at the other feelings you will unlock the good ones. It can be tough for a guy to read and they might need to think for a few days to respond in the man cave of thinking but, it really helps and works for me.. **They can read the love first and then start from the top. But, I’ve done this at least 100 times, childhood memories to my love life.. (I’ve never sent one but, lots of couples do)

    This is the format Anger, Sadness, Fear, Regret, Love

    I writing this becuase I feel upset and conflicted, but also want you to know that I really appreciate you.

    Dear, (fill in the blank) 😉

    ex. I’m angry we don’t see each other, I’m angry you didn’t call me. I’m angry you are pulling away. I’m angry I up opened to you and now I feel alone.

    I’m sad you we are not together, I’m sad I miss you, I’m sad to feel like you just forget about me. I’m sad we aren’t having fun. It hurts not having you in my life to share with, I don’t feel like I am good enough.

    I afraid to be open up to you, I’m afraid to trust your love, I’m afraid to be vulnerable with you, I’m afraid you will pull away and not come back. I’m afraid of being rejected , I’m afraid to need your support.

    Regret- I regret with holding my love at times. I regret some of the things I said. I regret not appreciating you more and understanding your actions at times.

    Love- I love feeling your support and care, I love your warm embrace. I love feeling secure with you. I do trust you and appreciate the things you do to make that make me feel special. I love the huge smile I get on my face, from your silly jokes. I love feeling like I can be open and honest with you.

    Thanks you for hearing me, I feel much better.

    (your name)

    (Extra step)
    The response I want to hear:
    Sweetheart! I miss you, Let’s make plans to spend some special time together and do some thing fun, I care and love you and will be with you soon. You are so important me and I can’t wait to see your pretty face soon.

    Thanks for letting me be who I am..

    (his name)

    (Basically you give yourself the love you need) But, it works.. and the people who send them.. tend to get positive results. This is better then the impulsive anger emails I used to send..

    Good luck!

    Friday, 19 March 2010 @ 3:31am

  466. 466: AliciaNo Gravatar says:

    Awe THANKS DARIA.. that is good to know.

    I thought they might seem sooooo long.. haha

    I’m waiting to go back to school, since I’ve been laid off and have had almost nooo girls to gossip and talk to for months… haha.. SO I’m making up for it.. lol.. CLEARLY! :)

    Friday, 19 March 2010 @ 3:35am

  467. 467: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Alicia – they dont seem too long to me.. whats ‘too’ long?

    I think you’re feeling triggered of “what other people will think… ” or … “you talk too much” or something like that.

    pointing it out because i used to feel that way and now i stilll feel stabbed by the nv and i also feel exhilarated that i say so what! to it

    Friday, 19 March 2010 @ 3:39am

  468. 468: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Omg Alicia what an awesome tool! I am gonna do it right now with the guy whos back pursuing me:

    Anger, Sadness, Fear, Regret, Love:

    Anger – I feel angry that I saw you giving the eye to my friends. I felt jealous and I feel angry about that. I felt angry when you aksed me to pay at the oyster restaurant and wanted me to buy you sasndwiches. I feel angry when you never followed through to take me to Bennyhannas. I fele angry you didnt persisently call me and didn’t seem interested in taking my calls. I feel angry you seemed to look at me funny when i was drunk in my short dress. I feel angry to hear you talk about other girls. I feel angry you seemed to think i should do stuff for you. I feel angry you aksed me to get that glass of sprite. I feel angry you seem to not fully appreciate how incredibly smart, and cool i am. I feel angry you talkk about other women in front of me. I feel angry you didnt aks to eat my pussy.

    Sad: i feel sad you disappeared. I feel sad you are away.

    Fear: I feel afraaid you waont like me. I feel afraid of how much I want you. I feel afraid you dont like eating pussy, i feel afraid i waont feel good having sex with you. I feel afraid you waont listen to me and I feel afraid you woant create a stable base for a family. i feel afraid you will look at other women. I feel afraid you are too into yourself ot puruse me. I feel afriad you art eoo judgemental to be supportive to me. I feel afarid i will lose you and i feel not good enough. I feel afraid i am being judged by you. I feel afraid i dont deserve you. I feel afraid you wont give me the show off fun that i like. I feel afraid you wont pursue me as much as i like. I feel afraid you wont give up control of your heart to me. I feel afraid i aman like you doesnt like a woman like me. I feel afraid you dont want me. I feel afraid you dont love me. I feel afraid youre not in love with me. I feel afraid i wont want you if you are in love with me. I feel afraid of having sex. I feel afraid of falling in love. I feel afraid of being dominated and supressed and opressed and controllled. I feel afraid ill argue with you. I feel afraid ill get speechless and now know how to stand up for myself. I feel afraid youre too selfish. I feel afraid youre too good to be true for me. I feel afraid i wont get to show off that i got you and that you want me and that im the tightest thing ina radius of 2 miles and super wallaby superstar.

    Regret: I regret I smoked so much athat one day you were calling me I felt too unsure to get close to you. I feel regret i didnt stand up for myself when you asked me to get that glass of sprite. I feel regret I didnt slap you ???? what? I feel regret I paid at the oyster restaurant and asked you out to eat. I feel regret i didnt lean back and got all clingy feeling and wanted to call you. I feel regret i felt so shy sometimes to get out the car. I feel regret i didnt slap you more.

    I feel weird and intense desire to punch you out of frustration that i didnt feel like you were throwing yourself at my feet… RRRRRRRRrrrrrrrr… I feel like beating the shit out of you… I feel furious and insecure and I FEEL ANGRRRRRRRRy

    Love: I WANT YOU. I LOVE YOU. YOU ALREADY KNOW. I FEEL wordless and vibrating around you. I want to surround you and engulf you like placenta on a baby seal (umm what/??)


    Response: Damn girl.. I’ve changed. And I want you so much. I want to be the man for you. I want ot help you practice your orgasms and I want to make you fall in love. I wnat to give you everything you want in life.

    Friday, 19 March 2010 @ 3:55am

  469. 469: Erika AwakeningNo Gravatar says:

    The words “can’t afford” feel deeply dishonest to me.

    I guess that’s because when my mom said them, they WERE so dishonest. What they really meant was “I’m so unconscious and so captive to my addictions, that I don’t care about what you want and need.”

    Prime HBR material. Adios.

    Friday, 19 March 2010 @ 5:04am

  470. 470: KateNo Gravatar says:


    Wow! You write so well….with deep heart and trust in knowing who you are. I wish I was there. I loved your advice to Jeanette. Letter to your significant other on feelings. God, this would have been good to write.
    Question: Now that you know a little of my history, and its only been a week since I broke up with my BF. Should I back off still or send him one of these heartfelt letters (in my own words). Do you think its too late or like Rori says – don’t push. Don’t drive the relationship.
    I like your dancing idea. Don’t know too many guys who can dance though. I may need to take some lessons myself to make sure I don’t lead (LOL).
    I think I will take the chance and see if going to the party I can practice my boundaries and relax if my ex is there anyway. There is another guy there (host of the party) who I feel I can be playful with without having to pretend. This might give me the opportunity to start learning to be vulnerable at a party which I will practically not know anyone.

    I appreciate the friendship.

    Friday, 19 March 2010 @ 9:37am

  471. 471: KateNo Gravatar says:

    I have a session with Virginia Clark on Monday. I am somewhat reserved because I don’t know if this is the right path of what I need to learn: better self-esteem; rid myself of anxiety and intensity in relationships (voice of desperation and neediness) since I never have done meditation before.
    I would like to order some more of your CDs though. Based on what you know of me thus far, which CD do you recommend I get next. I returned Modern Siren which I did not truly connect with but kept the Committment Blueprint which has definitely helped but just a little late for me and my ex BF. Should have started practicing a long time ago with being vulnerable.

    Any advice would be most appreciated.

    Friday, 19 March 2010 @ 9:42am

  472. 472: dorotheaNo Gravatar says:

    I feel interested and confused about why you don’t connect with modern siren. Can u tell us more?

    Friday, 19 March 2010 @ 12:02pm

  473. 473: AliciaNo Gravatar says:


    First, I need to give credit for the “feeling letter” tool is from Men are from Mars, Women from Venus, book.. It’s was my very first & my go to book I’ve had for years on understanding the opposite sex and our communication differences. I soak up tons of information on the opposite sex and relationships, so I’m looking forward to getting Rori’s dvd’s. :) But, You can get it anywhere, 1/2 price book or amazon for almost nothing. I didn’t start using the “letter” thing until this year. But, it has helped TONS! I made a list of not only the guy I was with but, ex’s and people in my past.. and over several weeks began to feel my heart really open up. Also, they say that the feelings should be about equal in length, So sometimes they flow easy and other times I have to ask myself what else am I angry or sad about in regards to that person or event.)

    And they can also be SUPER short.. example: Like, I angry you didn’t call, I’m sad you forgot, I’m afraid you didn’t want to speak to me. I am sorry I was critical with you. I understand you were with your family.

    The point is you can do mini or moster ones.. But, I wouldn’t send a monster one.. Guys really do respond to no contact… So I would go with that for now. And love brings up unresolved feelings so the letter is really good for you..

    What did you break up with him for? Or did he pull back? I personally have never sent a guy one of those letters, it just makes me feel more centered. . But I would and will in the future when I feel the need to. You dont want to chase him if he is pulling back.. so it might be better to wait. Especially if you didn’t date very long. But, that is what I would do in my case. And yours might be different. I would gather as much information as you can on the opposite sex.. It makes life so much easier. And sometimes when a guy is silent it’s not as bad as we think…

    Friday, 19 March 2010 @ 5:48pm

  474. 474: AliciaNo Gravatar says:

    I found a better example of the “feeling letter” tool.
    (these are just helpful lead- in phrases)


    I am writing this to share my feelings with you.

    1. For Anger
    * I dont like it…
    * I feel frustrated….
    * I am angry that…
    * I feel annoyed….
    * I want…

    2. For Sadness
    * I feel disappointed…
    * I am sad that…
    * I feel hurt…
    * I wanted….
    * I want…

    3. For Fear
    * I feel worried…
    * I am afraid…
    * I feel scared…
    * I do not want…
    * I need..
    * I want…

    4. For Regret
    * I feel embarrassed..
    * I am sorry…
    * I feel ashamed..
    * I didn’t want…
    * I want..

    5. For Love
    * I love..
    * I want…
    * I understand…
    * I forgive…
    * I appreciate…
    * I thank you for…
    * I know…

    p.s. the response I want to hear is.

    – This tool helps to take the rejecting or disapproval tone out. God knows I’ve said some critical things that sounded defensive and rejecting.. So hope it helps. And keep it or send it or just let it assist you. After I write it out, I can speak out what I want and how I feel better..

    Friday, 19 March 2010 @ 6:02pm

  475. 475: KateNo Gravatar says:

    Hi Alicia.

    Thanks for the comments. To be truthful, we had been going out over 1 1/5 years and I always felt I was working hard to keep it going even though we got along really well, had great sex, and never fought. I am trying to determine right now though if he was a clod or a toxic man based on Rori’s Committment Blueprint. He may have had all three qualities: toxic, clod and good. I am not good at knowing the differences. But I know I am attracted to men that are underdogs or maybe even emotionally unavailable – possibly the wanting to heal thing. I will see if I have your book or might know someone who has it.

    He chose to say that he did not feel a connection after all this time. I think he did at times but lately it has been hard. I have felt like I was pushing alot. My GF thinks he was toxic for me and thought I should have moved on a long time ago. This communication I think has helped me realize my insecurities and the realization that I want to get better – but I just don’t know how.

    Other than leaning back, it might be hard for me to “feel” anything on a new date. I can use feeling words all I want but can I really start tearing up at the drop of a hat? And do I want to? Guys may be creepy about that. They just want happy not sad or emotional on the first date. Maybe if we go to a really sad movie I might be able to cry in front of them on a date.

    I also tend to be slightly sarcastic when I meet a guy – can this be attractive at all? I am trying to be playful but I don’t know if it comes across this way.

    I know some of my mistakes of this last BF – should have dated others (for me) regardless of what he was doing, should not have let him call me last minute to come over or go out, and third should not have had sex with him too early. That really screws me up. Cuz even though he said finally we were BF/GF when we were breaking up, it would have been nice for him to acknowledge that ahead of time, so I would feel more secure.

    I never knew where he stood with me. All I know if after or even during great sex, he would never say he loved me. I just kept trying –

    I have to keep saying the Personal Mantra to myself. I am a good person. I deserved to be loved.

    Again, I love your comments and advice. Please keep it coming. I feel like I starting to learn about men for the first time. I think I started thinking horrible thoughts about myself after my divorce 20 years ago. My ex-husband was a total asshole. He thought only of himself and was very critical toward me. I could not get a hold of my feelings and how hurt I was so I just got angry and yelled alot.

    I have gotten a grip about any anger issues – just let it go. don’t sweat the small stuff. but I think in reality I will have to do these letters for myself. Not send them to anyone but just give myself an opportunity to release my feelings.

    Friday, 19 March 2010 @ 10:12pm

  476. 476: AliciaNo Gravatar says:

    OMG GIRLZZZZZZZZZZ! MUST READ!!! I found the popular site for men, askmen.com came up and I found several articles telling men to treat women COCKY, Split the tab (umm next please) and Not to compliment..

    This is how they are telling men to pick us up.

    ((((The way I landed her was by being Cocky & Funny — extremely Cocky & Funny. I was always one step ahead of her. It was kind of like: “Don’t even try to challenge me, I’m already inside your head!”

    Everything was cool, but to tell the truth (and no offense), I just kind of got tired of the constant effort. So I cooled it off a bit, not always seizing the opportunity to remind her just who it was she was dealing with. And I think I got screwed. Now I feel like I’ve turned into a Wuss, and I hate it! No, I loathe it!

    When I turn on the macho act, she’s a pussy cat again.)))) The amount of power women give to me is overwhelming……….

    Holy CRAP.. Can you beleive it???

    And check this comment out from one of the dudes:

    I have never been so confident around women. I stand as a security guard at the entrance of a retail store, and 8s, 9s and some 10s pass by me everyday. I used to turn my head and stare away. Now I know what they want from reading your book, and I can look at them, talk to them and bust their balls, even without ever meeting them.

    I do have a problem though: I took this beautiful girl out on a first date, the Cocky & Funny technique worked so well all night from the movie to the dinner to the goodnight kiss (tongue included) that we both definitely wanted a second date. So, what’s the problem? She can’t stop thinking about me or leaving me alone. I’m getting 10 text messages a day from this girl whom I really only want to date a few times.

    The authors advice to the guy –

    I need to write a book called Cut Your Dating In Half: A Guide for Guys Who Are Too Successful with My Materials.

    I think what you need to do is get together with her and say: “Look, you’re acting like we’re married, and you need to cool it. I think you’re great, but I’m not interested in a relationship right now. If you want to keep seeing me, then you’re going to need to chill.”

    I realize that it sounds a little bit harsh, but it’s the truth, and you need to be direct in a situation like this one.

    Well here is the comment I left on that article:

    Hey Dudes!!!! I’ve dated guys from all walks of life.. Pro Athletes to Country Good ol’ Boyz… Yes, Every guy needs an edge and I like to mentally challenge guys for fun in a flirty way.. So YES on SENSE OF HUMOR rocks!!! BUT.. TAKE NOTE – any guys who ask ME OUT and offers to SPLIT the tab, should not bother to ask me out. Next in line please – I’ve had great dates at sandwich shops so this shouldn’t hurt the wallet. AND I FEEL REALLY GOOD, INSIDE when a guys says awesome things about my appearence or body. You never know what kind of girl your dealing with, she may be smoking hot but, girls are always comparing themselves to super models because of the media and men.. Trust ME A HOT CHICK.. Compliments makes us “warm”- inside!! And there can be a point where tooo coc-k–y gets rude! :)

    Saturday, 20 March 2010 @ 1:11am

  477. 477: AliciaNo Gravatar says:

    I feel like having that knowlede from that article – on what men are being advised to say and treat women just gave me my power back… Or now I’m fire ready for the heat! This is going to be FUN!!!!!!

    Saturday, 20 March 2010 @ 1:36am

  478. 478: AliciaNo Gravatar says:

    Kate –

    I dont think NEVER fighiting or a better word is disagreeing is healthy. People who sweep things under the rug.. the realtionship can get boring or loose passion. There just needs to boundries and things you will not say. Even God gets angry it connects you back to your passion for life but, when you can express how you “feel” in a not verbally abuse way (which does not sound like your problem). Or sound overly critical in any realtionship that is good. Like, no name calling or kicking his vulnerabilty below the belt. When J.C pissed me off once, like REALLY pissed.. he was calm and I was a firecracker ready to explode.. (that was a first for me with men, I use to passive) I pointed out that he was not working, he smoked pot and could f**K who we wanted and to F*** off, we were good friends and if he was closer then maybe but, that was not the case. (We never saw or slept together after the break up) But, I had misread a photo on face book and questioned him on it. Opps (it turned out to be a guy with a pillow over his head) lol.. Did he feel trusted?? Ummm no. THAT IS WHAT NOT TO DO.. lol – What he said was his truth and I went off like a fire cracker. The next he told me he was still trying to swallow it, but he had tough skin.. and then I felt sooooo guilty and overfunctioned trying to make it right. And were not even together at that point when all that went down. That was our 1st real fight and I made a point… to hold my tongue and yes get angry, but not to be destructive with my tongue.

    ( All those years of verbal abuse that I took in.. came out like someone squeezed a lemon) And he was the fist guy I really let in or anything out on. But, I’m in adult and there is a healty way… And it is okay to feel angry.

    **Sometimes the more you think of a guy, the more he thinks of himself. Now it does sound like this might be over and you broke up with him so somewhere in your heart you are okay with it.. and grieving is normal..

    But, wouldn’t you rather be with a guy who loves you and there is a spark? I would use the emotions to your benefit.. You might need to do some more healing in regards to you 1st husband. When you come to real forgiveness you can look back with peace. But, there is a process to it.

    10% of what we feel has to do with the present.. 90% has to do with the past. People don’t fly into road rage becuase some one pulled out in front of them. It’s supressed anger. SO welcome the little journey..

    Create a new you, with new standards, *Don’t look for a man to give you a healing that can only from God.* A man can’t carry that. I just went thru that last year and it was interesting… I mean I had to face it, deal with it, feel it, go thru it, get to the bottom of it (past events) and get to the new truth and standards. Just go with the flow of feelings that come up, as hard as it is…. but, don’t do one more thing that is pulling forward.

    Also, joycemeyer.com is great. She is my pastor and I love her teaching for her spiritual growth. She has tons videos on her website. And marriagetoday.com *click on the tab tv* – Is also great for learning about men and womens needs.. even if you are single.

    Take care,

    Saturday, 20 March 2010 @ 2:25am

  479. 479: AliciaNo Gravatar says:

    IF anyone needs a laugh!!! And think Dane Cook is hot check this out: Ihad tears in my eyes by the very end.

    Dane Cook on bad relationships. lol


    Saturday, 20 March 2010 @ 2:41am

  480. 480: JeannetteNo Gravatar says:

    Alicia, I want to thank you for the feeling letter. Gosh, I can see the advantage to at least writing it. Only two things I disagree with. I don’t think we should ever say I feel like I am not good enough….WOW! When I read that it was like a wake up. First of all, we ARE good enough… My gosh, I am spiritual, I work with people who have severe brain injuries and spinal cord, I am very compassionate. My gosh, if that is not good enough than what is?? I have to stop and say something here. You guys are wonderful and I cannot believe the amount of support I am getting here. It’s like a loving sisterhood of family. I AM feeling loved just by getting your support, and I am feeling a huge shift in how I perceive myself. I still have low esteem moments, I wanted to pick up the phone so bad and call my former boyfriend last night but what’s the use? Besides, why would I want to lower my self and ask why? I am good enough, even better, and if is not interested than there is nothing more I can do nor is it healthy to dwell and pine. Something better is in store and I HAVE TO TRUST THAT AND NOT LET GO OF THAT. Thanks to all of you!

    Saturday, 20 March 2010 @ 5:02am

  481. 481: JeannetteNo Gravatar says:

    Oh Alicia, the other thing in your feeling message that I am not sure of….you said you were ‘fearful’ you could not trust him and than later you ‘love’ that you can trust him. Anyway, I am sure you know why you included that, I guess I just didn’t understand what looked to be a contradiction. That’s all!

    Saturday, 20 March 2010 @ 5:09am

  482. 482: TinaNo Gravatar says:

    Jeanette, pining away does nothing but affirm, you are not good enough :) 1 1/2 yr.man does that for me, that’s why he is there. I dont mean I intentionally want to beat myself up. I want to stop doing that. I want to stop using him as a trigger, I dont want to give away my power. I thought I could be his friend at one point. I quickly changed my mind after, running into him at the store. Do I have to “be ready”? is there a such thing as “being ready” to run in to an ex?. is it my ex or is it my feeling?

    Saturday, 20 March 2010 @ 5:15am

  483. 483: TinaNo Gravatar says:

    I would hear of women/friends throwing tantrums, becoming hysterical or begging their men to come back to them or whatever, and what I thought was wow they must really love them.

    Saturday, 20 March 2010 @ 5:21am

  484. 484: JeannetteNo Gravatar says:

    Tina, that is what I did once or twice when we broke up. I said, “But we are so right for ea. other!” And I even cried once to him. But it wasn’t what he wanted. SO then afterward I felt so crummy about myself. I felt good when I was doing it like really expressing my love and emotions but when he could not reciprocate it was devastating. Then you feel trashed out like, “What is wrong with me?” You just have to fight the urge to plead and bargain. I went out on a date with someone else last night and what would be the lesson here? This new guy (3rd date) brings me roses wines and dines me but, he stopped me dead in my tracks when he said, “My boss sent my partner in for a job that I wanted because he said I am too high strung for the job.” Now, get this….my ex boyfriend is laid back and I REALLY like that. So it was a turn off for sure. SO what is the lesson here. I know he is a messenger. He seems in a big hurry to get the relationship going. Maybe I was too much that way with my ex and that turned HIM off. But at least he was the one who pursued me in the beginning. I would like to take it all back and do it right. But, I really loved him and it’s hard to hold back those feelings if you really mean it. Where this guy last night doesn’t even know me and he is talking about seeing a future with me but then he stops himself and says, “I know I am talking too much.” Well yes you are buddy, I need space to find out who you are. It does not feel right and I have to listen to that. BUT, it makes me miss my ex even more. How irritating is that??! It’s like a cruel joke or something. Know what I mean? I already know what I want. My ex has all those qualities but HE”S THE ONE who does not want me. OH BROTHER!

    Saturday, 20 March 2010 @ 5:58am

  485. 485: TinaNo Gravatar says:

    Jeanette, I dont know if 1 1/2 yr. man wanted me well not enough to say so anyway, but yeah, the message I am telling myself is I DONT WANT ME, WOW. He reminds me that I dont want me. Baby steps!

    Saturday, 20 March 2010 @ 6:48am

  486. 486: LindaNo Gravatar says:

    I am gonna use the template and write my letter

    Thanks Alicia.

    I was down last night inside, even though I was making myself be out and about. Sitting a bar in a restaurant eating alone is NOT my cup of tea. I just sat in the car and then cried on the drive home.

    I wanted to text S and answer his unanswered, questioning , self absorbed, I dont feel this, so what good is any of it…… with” you are wrong”.. HE HAS ISSUES… He has his fears and blocks and excuses. It has to be about HIM. If he just would have committed and invested in ME and US. That is all it would take… but NO, he didnt. I just went home and went to bed.

    It bothers me that I still have this string in me that doesnt want to give it up.

    I hear this yelling in the back of my mind… it is saying… I WANT WHAT I WANT! Get out of my way logic, Get out of my way reason, Get out of my way being patient.. That part of me feels soo angry and yelling and forceful right now. I think it is Riffing time.

    I just want it fixed and right and mine. Is that too much to ask?


    Saturday, 20 March 2010 @ 9:13am

  487. 487: dorotheaNo Gravatar says:

    Jeannette, i love rori/evan’s new post about even if he has all these wonderful qualities his fundamental FLAW is not sticking to you like glue.

    Saturday, 20 March 2010 @ 9:25am

  488. 488: AliciaNo Gravatar says:


    Very good point about the “good enough” phrase. I guess that was my “fear feeling”… That is awesome that you work with spinal cord injuries. Are you a nurse? I am going back to school in the summer for nursing. A much needed career change from the mortgage lending industry.. I feel a lot of support here too. And it’s nice that I can express myself freely.

    Saturday, 20 March 2010 @ 5:59pm

  489. 489: AliciaNo Gravatar says:

    I’m just now catching the post from earlier.. Doretha is right on!

    My hairdresser said awhile back, Would you date you? Or marry you? Ofcourse you would!! (with lots of flare) And I actually hesitated then and had to think about it.. haha. Now I’m like, hellll ya I would! I would also make myself a bubble bath and buy myself jewlery and flowers. (I’m playin but serious). Ya know, you have to believe you are worth it. I am in a place now, where, I like doing things with me and do not fee lonely. I look forward to getting in my bed after the day is over and reading books, looking at magazines, it’s like self growth time. I luv it!

    I do have to drag myself to this small gym but, it does help to feel better. Before I would just say.. I’ll go tommorrow.. but, now I literrally think, if I can just get there and take a few steps, before you know it, your energy has shifted. And I leave going I’m so glad I did it!! We have to direct ourselves and our lives, and thoughts to what we want and not always depend on our feelings becuase, feelings are fickle. And I mean that feeling term in the way that people can easily fall into depression. Not in terms of communicating feelings with men. But also be brave and willing to allow your self to grieve not having something or someone that is best for you in your life, and getting to the other side.

    A general example (nothing to do with you personally):
    My pastor once said, the hardest thing about people getting off drugs or any addiction is having to go thru the loss and be able to successfully deal with the painful feelings and emotions and not numb them. (I think they are called replacement needs, we all need love, but when we don’t get it.. women often turn to food and men turn to sex , But, it can be flipped or several other things as well.

    I’m just saying it was easy for me to look back and go wow… that is why I doing that. Or I see how that makes sense.

    I know how hard things can be when your heart/love life is going thru changes… But, God has an awesome plan for you life. And your best days are not behind you, they ARE AHEAD of you! He loves you so much He is willing take away the things we hold onto tightly so He can give you the very best!

    Look back to how many times we have cried ourselves to sleep in the past only to come out of it.. Going WOW I am soooo glad that happened because now I have this to be thankful for!!

    That has happened several times for me!! In the form of relationships, job transition, moving. It’s like beauty for ashes. I just didn’t know in the middle of it. But, now I do know.. All this is for something!

    Start writing out what you are thankful for.. you can walk, talk, see, taste, smell, breathe, sing, feel.. And also I like to take a blank sheet of paper and fill it with pretty words. Beauty, laughter, love, faith, blessings, miracles, sexy, confident, humour, funny, sweet, silly, pretty, trusting, recieving.. etc, etc,

    Smiles! Alicia

    Saturday, 20 March 2010 @ 6:45pm

  490. 490: AliciaNo Gravatar says:


    Ya you are right about the contradicting thing.. I think I am some what afraid to trust men, and yet I do love them. Make sense? I want to allow myself to be vulnerable to men, so I just ackowldege the fear and then it looses it’s grip on me. And I can say I typically feel loving and trusting but, I do notice if someone forgets to call or even gets busy innocently. It does trigger my trust feelings/fear of abandoment in that instance. (trust- in my term as am I wanted, do they care? that is the childhood thing) I kind of panic quietly and then they call and I feel back to normal. trusting – I am wanted, they care. I guess a better way to say it is, I’m afraid you will not call when you say you will. I want you to be dependable. I’m sorry I over reacted, I do care/love alot about you…

    Thanks for pointing that out becuase if I do ever share those feeling.. It sounds much better to say the action (not calling) that triggered the mis-trust as opposed to whole person. I am so glad you brought that to my attention!!!! WOW! I had no idea all these underneath feelings where even there and the pull they can have you. Good to put a voice to them and be aware.


    Saturday, 20 March 2010 @ 7:10pm

  491. 491: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Would I date myself? Woudl I marry myself?

    Absolutely not! I’m a loser who can’t make money and doesn’t really have orgasms.

    (oops) wow!

    I would date myself yes. I would not marry myself. I would worry that myself would be a drain. Myself is incapable of taking care of myself. Myself is an incomplete woman. Myself has emotional issues keeping her stuck and not being successful.

    Myself is a failure in the “real world” and the “business world”

    Marrying myself would be like marrying a child.


    thank u.

    I love myself

    Saturday, 20 March 2010 @ 7:29pm

  492. 492: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Myself is also boring, depressed, with no friends. I would not want to be dealing with that 24 7 .

    I would date myself for the mysterious quality that myself has.

    Saturday, 20 March 2010 @ 7:30pm

  493. 493: AliciaNo Gravatar says:


    On the new guy and ex… If he is high strung, and proactive it sounds like the message to me is – HE IS REALLY MASCULINE. Tell him to pace it but, this allows you to get that FEMININE ENERGY and feeling back. Maybe this guy we can call him Mr. Balance (as in he is here to bring your feminine vibe back up) – Your ex was really laid back – (more feminine energy). And in the terminology from Rori, Women will step up the masuline energy in that case. And you sound like you are aware of how you may have overfunctioned with the laid back ex. So, this new guy sounds like the exact opposite. Which may be too much for you and not right for you down the road. But, I think he will bring you back you center of gravity in regards to feminine energy and being in lean back mode. – It might take a minute to get used to. But, you are doing the CDating thing.

    Mr. Balance likes you becuase you are leaned back to the point of ultimate girl vibe almost like.. dude not so fast, but, that makes him feel masculine, the hunt, chase.

    Now think about your ex.. Is that not what you are dying for from him? Use that as a tool….

    When you love someone it’s hard not to lean forward and all that jazz. But, when you pull back and try it, it does feel better.. WAY better. Especially when the guy comes springing back. You have to put it to practice. Opposite actions for opposite sex.

    Saturday, 20 March 2010 @ 7:31pm

  494. 494: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Myself has a bladder infection. I would not want to have sex with myself. Myself is nto healthy.

    Myself ,,,, ok apparentl i ran out of reasons not to marry and date msyelf.

    That was pretty quick.

    Saturday, 20 March 2010 @ 7:34pm

  495. 495: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Thank you.

    I wouldnt trust myself. I wouldnt feel safe that myself would be a partner i could lean on. Myself is dependant on her parents. Msyelf woulndt be able to make it in the world. Msyefl is a miracle that shes even surviving. Myself is only surviving because her parents. Msyelf is sooo weird. msyelf is totally decoupled from reality. Myself is like marsh water. I love myself and marsh water.

    I love myself.

    I WANT TO MARRY MYSELF ANYWAY! THank you! I’m in love with myself and I don’t care!!!! i don’t care. Ill do anythign for myself. Ill support myself. Ill let myself cheat on me. I still want myself. I live with just the dream and thought of throwing myself at my feet. I’m addicted, obsessed with myself. I want myself more than I want the world. I want myself more than i want a steady partner, or success, or ratinonality, ro business ness. I WANT MYSELF! and im gonna have her. Im gonna have her or make it my life goal and die trying. I cant live without msyelf. Myself is like my oxygen. IM TOTALLY INFATUATED INTOXICATED IN LOVE with MYSELF.

    Thank you

    Saturday, 20 March 2010 @ 7:40pm

  496. 496: AliciaNo Gravatar says:


    OMG lol- You are like a Johnny Depp riddle in Alice in Wonderland…

    Girl! It to time to come into your own! You define you! Trust me, no little kid grows up with those thoughts unless someone put them there and they cross over to your adulthood. You are a fun woman.. Make a new truth!

    check out: http://www.joycemeyer.org

    Saturday, 20 March 2010 @ 7:41pm

  497. 497: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    wow me, I Didn’t know you felt that way. Well I would like to drive your car around town and show off. I want you to get a fancy oldschool car and I want to show off that im drivng my car. And i want you to bring me chocolater. Actually since im doing the organic thing send me a package of that chocolate bliss drink and make it pretty. Diamonds like a bracelet woudl be nice too…. MMM And I would like u to take me dancing, and I would like to be driven around by you passanger seat, and I would like to have u eat my pussy that way I like and let me teach you and i would like to have you help me practice having orgasms. And I would like you to help provide for me and find ways to teach me to get my business running and get me successful. And i would like you to teach me to rap and get me really good. Thanks. /Thats enuf for now. mosey on now slave… (whoa werid just wathced alice in wonderlanda and i feel like the red queen)… ok apparently i want to treat me as a servant. Well me wants to throw me ant myselfs feeet so i guesss thats the deal. Myself wants to act queenly and haughtily and bored and have me do all myself’s bidding while myself inspects her nails and looks bored. Ummm ok. I love myself. I’ll do anything for myslef and I feel excited i can do this for her.

    And this feels weird

    whats with the BDSM imagery? ummm… maybe im starting to be into new kinks or something… i feel uncomfortable ILOVE ALL OF ME DECLARED NOW NOW NOW

    I Do get this powersurge from dominating people i guess. well theres probably more to this. I Love me myself and I.

    I feel like hiding now. I feel tirggerred. I Dont want this BDSM thing to trigger men on their cultural issues or something. UMMM i dont want to think about it or worry about it and I believe it will all resolve itself. IN fact my awesome all powerful subconscious mind now has persmission to and is resolvign it in a way that feels really good for me. and angels are helping. right on angels.

    ok maybe now i wanna dress up in leather and whip people and stuff… wow interesting i didnt really too much before. freakin alice in wonderland subliminal messages.

    I choose to release energy that is not mine and that i dont want and nourish myself with enrgy that is good for me now.

    Saturday, 20 March 2010 @ 7:51pm

  498. 498: AliciaNo Gravatar says:

    Haha Daria this is my favorite:


    LUV IT!!!!

    I have a confession to make.. I sent, not just my favorite ex, but all of my ex’s that Dane Cook video.. on bad relationships. lol. Opps! It was just so funny and true!!! Ofcourse they were not blind copied either, I had all their names one after another on the To: line in the email. Now I have to restart the lean back!!!! I deleted thier names out my contact list but, I have to be disciplined! I’m going to create my dating profile right now! Need to CD – ASAP! 😀

    It’s so much easier to give advice then apply it in your own life. lol AWE SHUCKS – I need a redo, starting now. AND she is leaning back… so far so good!

    Saturday, 20 March 2010 @ 7:52pm

  499. 499: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Alicia – wow Alice in Wonderland! what a koinkydink i talked about that too! this is crazy… bazzooble boomzle bzoom

    Saturday, 20 March 2010 @ 7:53pm

  500. 500: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    I’m in love with a miracle the miracle is me!!!

    I see the Goddess the Goddess in me

    I love the Goddess the Goddes is me!

    Saturday, 20 March 2010 @ 8:21pm

  501. 501: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    What if my Stripper name was Compassion!


    Saturday, 20 March 2010 @ 8:23pm

  502. 502: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    here comes delicious booty Compassion! looool!!!

    I feel weird and smily!

    Saturday, 20 March 2010 @ 8:26pm

  503. 503: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    thank God for real player old version and downloading I send love instead of $ and intend that you get MORE

    Saturday, 20 March 2010 @ 8:28pm

  504. 504: Rori RayeNo Gravatar says:

    Daria – try d-mannose for the bladder infection – at the health food store….Love, Rori

    Saturday, 20 March 2010 @ 11:18pm

  505. 505: AliciaNo Gravatar says:

    Greetings Rori –

    I have a question in regards to physical looks and feelings..

    I am aware now of all this masculine energy and thick layer of protective skin I have. But, I look really feminine and would say my style is pretty girly.. I was raised mostly by my angry explosive dad.. and lived a few years with my totally hippie sprititual free loving mom.

    I have either always had guy friends – with just a friend vibe or I have slept with guys too soon and never became well versed with “real intimacy “and dating although I’ve been on great dates. I have never had an “exclusive man in my life”.. **I’ve taken a year off from quickly going to bed or “wherever the night took me” becuase it started to just not feel right for me, pretty soon afterwards..

    The feeling:
    At my old job. There was 300 male loan mortgage officers and maybe 20 women. I’m very aware of men at the office but even, more so, married men, in that I mean, the way I carry myself. I’m tall, blonde and busty.

    I would wear conservative stylish clothes to work but, I could still litterally “feel” guys looking at me.. Especially at the office, so I find that I would avoid eye contact, or make a point to ask how their wife was. I was just real professional and neutral vibe.. I would smile and say hi.. just more neutral.

    Same thing when I meet my friends husbands, I put out a very platonic friend vibe. I think I would want the same in return. I’ve had friends flirt it up with the guys I have dated and found it so rude. To the point the guy even spoke up and said stop that’s not fair to Alicia.
    However, another guy would soak it up and act like it was good fun. Puulease! I would distance myself from those girl “friends” and yes, that guy as well. Now, He is gone like the wind

    I do notice now when I go out. I sometimes get in that same “mode”, and if I’m NOT physically attracted I for sure go “friend neutral” vibe almost on purpose..

    Now on the weekend and when I’m out with the girls. I use to be the extreme opposite. When I am really physically attracted to a guy and like his charm. I totally soften up. I smile, and my flirting comes out..

    But, I notice more often, that I find myself going back to professional or buddy vibe if I feel intimadated or no spark. Even if they are cute.

    Does this make any sense?? Should I be striking a different balance? All physical and passionate was lacking. But, so is just friend and no spark.

    – One day I master cliff notes.. lol

    Saturday, 20 March 2010 @ 11:53pm

  506. 506: LindaNo Gravatar says:

    Daria.. your posts made me see you. Your honesty is admirable and great food for thinking for me. Would I marry me? YEP I would in a heartbeat absolutely no heistation.

    Alicia… your posts flow and boosted my faith. Just what I needed to be reminded of. You wrote….

    I know how hard things can be when your heart/love life is going thru changes… But, God has an awesome plan for you life. And your best days are not behind you, they ARE AHEAD of you! He loves you so much He is willing take away the things we hold onto tightly so He can give you the very best!

    Start writing out what you are thankful for.. you can walk, talk, see, taste, smell, breathe, sing, feel.. And also I like to take a blank sheet of paper and fill it with pretty words. Beauty, laughter, love, faith, blessings, miracles, sexy, confident, humour, funny, sweet, silly, pretty, trusting, recieving.. etc, etc,

    TODAY and am trading ashes for beauty.

    I wish I was up on all the labels and the tools like some of you are. I feel clunky and jurky in them, like driving a stick shift which makes me nervous and tense…. worring about downshifting, which gear to go to. Hmmmmm I was learning that when I was seeing S. It is something I wanna master. I have trip tronic in my BMW. Been using that but it not quite the same. If you dont get it right, it fixes it for you…and the car doesnt die.

    Hey…. maybe that is just what Gods grace in our lives does… triptronic, so when we miss it… he takes care of us.! YEAH I like that thought!

    Happy Spring Friends


    Sunday, 21 March 2010 @ 7:25am

  507. 507: Erika AwakeningNo Gravatar says:

    Continuing to apply HBR to this “can’t afford” trigger, and this is what has emerged.

    Someone saying “I can’t afford you” while simultaneously asking for free advice lands with me about the same way as a guy saying “I can’t give you the commitment you want” while continuing to ask for sex.


    The video course cost about $6000+ out of my personal funds to create. After receiving that comment, my thoughts turned to, “Wow, I could have spent that money on my remodel in the Tahoe house. Could have splurged on a super awesome jacuzzi aromatherapy tub and some high-end stone work. Maybe creating the video course was a bad move on my part.”

    When my mind goes in that direction (cuz normally I love helping people), I know I’m over-giving.

    The result of this is that the video course will no longer be free. It will be available only at a modest fee.

    Because I indicated initially that it was free, I wanted to let everyone on here know that it’s very soon NOT going to be free (it is, after all, a TON of free content), in order to help me recoup my investment.

    So if you’ve been procrastinating on signing up or watching the videos, please take care of that now or forever hold your piece. :)


    Sunday, 21 March 2010 @ 2:19pm

  508. 508: AliciaNo Gravatar says:


    I signed up today on a dating site.. I feel a little over whelmed. Am I suppose to be responding to every guy? I can practice my truth that way. I suppose.

    Is it okay to “meet” them for a drink? I mean do they need to be picking me up just for coffee. I kinda want the option of making it short and sweet the first time we meet.

    Please Advise:

    And p.s. Thanks Linda for your kind words, it’s good to hear.

    Sunday, 21 March 2010 @ 4:10pm

  509. 509: AliciaNo Gravatar says:

    P.s.s. I will say that the flirtatious energy was fun, even if just responding to the guys on the dating site. And it also felt good to say.. Let me think about it. Instead of just not responding.

    Thanks for new outlook!

    Sunday, 21 March 2010 @ 4:13pm

  510. 510: SienaNo Gravatar says:

    Erika, reading your last post and all I can say is, “you go girl!”

    I also gave away my (expensive!) professional services for free, and found myself feeling resentment time after time again, until I stopped doing that. The truth is, people value most what they pay for. That’s true in business and it’s true with men.

    In my own life, I thought I was following the Golden Rule (do unto others as you would have them do to you), but actually what I was doing was teaching people to place less value on me than I deserved.

    So I just support you 100%!!


    Sunday, 21 March 2010 @ 4:40pm

  511. 511: Erika AwakeningNo Gravatar says:

    Thanks, Siena :)

    I feel much lighter after a soak in my hot tub under the trees, surrounded by snow :)

    We are all messengers. This is my message:

    I watched my mom “can’t afford” herself into one of the scarcest lifestyles of anyone I know (it is impossible for her to retire because she said that to herself over and over again for an entire lifetime, and her beliefs became her reality).

    If you want to be abundant, you hire people who already have abundance (which I do have), and you pay them what they are worth, to show you how to create it.

    If you want to receive, you MUST learn how to give.

    I don’t think I’ll be over here very often anymore, but you know where to find me when you’re ready to have a hot tub of your own. It really does feel like heaven :)

    Thanks Rori for all I’ve enjoyed here :)

    Sunday, 21 March 2010 @ 5:02pm

  512. 512: GeorgiaNo Gravatar says:

    Erika you said- Someone saying “I can’t afford you” while simultaneously asking for free advice lands with me about the same way as a guy saying “I can’t give you the commitment you want” while continuing to ask for sex.

    omg i feel trigger. This doesn’t feel good. I can pretend I don’t see this comment, but I cant.

    I wasn’t sure how to solve my problem, It might be EFT, HBR (if its HBR I need to wait or consider it ) or others. If its EFT I know what to do. maybe with the little guide from you or from other ladies here who tried EFT before. and I am telling the truth that I cant afford it now. I wish I earn more $$.

    I believe you. yes I am interested in trying HBR. but I never said I want a free HBR.


    Sunday, 21 March 2010 @ 5:06pm

  513. 513: AliciaNo Gravatar says:

    Thanks Erika –

    I went to your website, I can see how this would help me. I still have home work to do. I’m on day 1.. I can see myself doing a session with you in the future.

    I’m jumping ahead here, but, if I dont have a camera for skype.. Is there an alternative?

    Sunday, 21 March 2010 @ 5:10pm

  514. 514: Erika AwakeningNo Gravatar says:

    Hey Alicia,

    Thanks for asking :)

    You don’t need a camera, just two-way sound. I do my Skype sessions audio only because there is less visual distraction and it’s easier for me to tune into someone’s emotional frequency.

    I call out the “tapping points” at the beginning if you need me to do that, but after a while we get in a rhythm and you’ll know what to do.

    Sunday, 21 March 2010 @ 5:15pm

  515. 515: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    I don’t agree with “people value most what they pay for”. for me, I value a lot things I don’t pay for.

    Like this blog.

    Like free healing i’ve received.

    just saying. I don’t feel good with that thought.

    I think men value us on the outside cuz of “the effort” but really its more because we value ourselves on the inside, because someone “us” is busy valuing us.

    I value things because I feel their value.

    Sunday, 21 March 2010 @ 5:35pm

  516. 516: AliciaNo Gravatar says:

    I agree with you Daria, I value alot of things that are free. But, when it comes to you career and work, you have to set a price on what you get paid for. Right? Like, would you babysit 6 kids for 3.00$ an hour? It’s good to be able to negotiate.

    Hey can you help me with #508? I can drive and meet up just for a coffee if I am circular dating right? I dont really feel comfortable with random web dates coming to my house, until I know them and know I want to see them again.

    Sunday, 21 March 2010 @ 5:43pm

  517. 517: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Alicia absolutely – Rori says first meeting meet him at the coffee shop. I always have them meet me downtown… don’t want men i don’t know yet knowing where i live.

    Yes for career and work I get to set the price I want.

    I can also choose to help people for free IF I WANT AND IT FEELS GOOD TO DO SO.

    After all, for someone who say earns a dollar a day, it would (seem as nothing is) almost impossible to pay for a high priced course, even tho it CAN change their life.

    I think of the scenarios. I’m drawn to the idea of
    liberating all of us from poverty.

    And also I feel intrigued by the idea that if I let people or Some people depending on what feels good, pay what they want, they may come back later and Gift me huge amounts of money i didnt’ expect.

    I also believe in charging what I want to charge when it feels right for me, and when it would feel bad to nto do so.

    But im not going to ask a broke kid for example who really wants to learn and whos parents are crackheads to pay me full price for tutoring…

    I have a conflict because i really do want to work with broke kids who need help and are underdogs to success,

    and I also want to get paid high prices and feel financially successful.

    So right now I’ve decided to do both. I will be charging my regular high yet still reasonable price for my business, and if people I meet randomly who arent “normally” my clients and who are underdogs want help, I will help them for “free or whatever they want to pay me.”

    now I haven’t been taken up much on free tutoring, only once actually. I have weird resistant energy block to where people sometimes don’t want my help even free or not. lol.

    I want this healed. Thank you.


    could be a business
    And a non profit…

    help angels!

    thank you!!!

    Sunday, 21 March 2010 @ 6:01pm

  518. 518: GeorgiaNo Gravatar says:

    I love this blog. Its so special to me. much more than its free. I can see and feel the value. Every word and sharing are priceless.

    Sunday, 21 March 2010 @ 6:13pm

  519. 519: KateNo Gravatar says:

    Hi Rori. Hi Alicia.

    Ok. Maybe you can tell me how I am doing. Saturday night I went to a house party (ex did not show up) and felt I had a slight chemistry attraction (I think he felt the same) to the host and we talked pretty much all night.

    Opened my heart. Try to be honest but did not have any tears. Was not thinking he and I would get together – just more like friends than anything. I told him I would just start thinking that all guys were gay and then I could be more open with them and not have to worry about being anxious or nervous. He did not agree with that. He also thougth the idea of me wanting someone to fit their life into mine rather than me fitting my life into theirs was BS. He said if guys are thinking the same, how is anyone going to get together? He mentioned compromise alot.

    Told him some things that ex-BF did that made me sad.

    I agree now that I should have dated others when I was with my ex BF. It may have made alot of difference in the way I felt about myself. I would have felt wanted and busy and not totally focused on him.
    Live and learn.

    Today though, I was in church. Sat in the back end knowing my ex BF would not know I was there. In the beginning when I drove there, I started feeling anxious and nervous. I tried to be in touch with my feelings. I recognized that I still missed him and wanted him to be by my side like before. W

    hen I saw him sit down, my heart started hurting and realized I need to get a grip before I start to cry. Through one of the meditation sermons, I focused on that and then felt myself getting calmer. I repeated some of the mantras, I am divine. I am spiritual. Etc.

    After church, I saw that my ex BF would pass me as folks were leaving the chapel. I did not want to make eye contact so I began to write some of my thoughts out. He came up to me and said “hi” (excited like). I have not sent any emails/texts since the St. Pat day one.

    I stayed calm (almost felt like I was numb/dead inside) and did not ask him any questions but just smiled and listened to him do all the talking (brief 5 minutes). I mentioned a little about something I was doing, using a feeling word of needing more confidence in myself. He stated that he knew that was important to me (in a kind tone). I said I was sorry he still hadn’t heard from his job interview (he brought it up) and I used a feeling word trying to understand.

    He may of thought I was acting weird since I was so far leaning back not asking him about anything or even talking about us. I told him about doing some meditation work soon and then we gave each other a hug. I will continue to see him at church since he is fairly active.

    My fear is that I may have leaned too far back and he still may not come around. I don’t know what else to do except go out with people (all are nice but not necessarily any chemistry as of yet) to feel more confident and use feel words.

    Part of me wants to wear something very alluring next week to church )like a belly dancer would wear without showing skin but very sexy and sensual). Trying to get in touch with my female sensuality by wearing clothes that may bring out the softness inside of me. Just a thought.

    I still don’t know if I could be vulnerable and cry at the drop of a hat when I am on a first date with someone else though. I want to be open but at the same time don’t know if I can go down this path. Any suggestions? Rori, what CD should I get next? Reconnect or Targeting Mr. Right?

    Thank you

    Sunday, 21 March 2010 @ 10:56pm

  520. 520: KateNo Gravatar says:

    Hi Alicia. Hi Rori. Any of my new friends.

    Please help me through this. I am almost panicking right now. For 1.5 years, my ex always thought my Meetup groups were not for him and even though he went with me to a couple of them, it seemed it was not what he wanted to do. I always wanted to do other things than just watching movies, etc. (limited budget) but he just always did not feel like it.
    So now, here is what he had done. This is unbelievable! He has joined a Social meetup group. He has joined my Social Meetup group that I have been involved with for the last two years. I don’t think its because he wants to be with me again. Possibly another girl he met when we went to Happy Hour two weeks ago for my birthday. Maybe I am being paranoid. But when you see photos online of him at some of this events, it looks like he is having a grand ole time. Not necessarily with her but just like he’s one of the gang.

    Now I was planning to go Country Western Dancing this Saturday night with this social group and who is on the list to go – him! I don’t know if I can handle watching him flirt or be interested in someone else or dance with someone else this early in the game. I don’t think he is toxic and cruel but maybe a clod that has no awareness that he may be hurting me.
    Should I be open with my feelings, tell him the truth before Saturday night and finally show my anger feelings (not blaming of course) of how hurt I am feeling. I don’t know if I could even dance with him at this point (if he asked me) because it may bring up overwhelming feelings for me that he may not feel.

    I am so confused at this point. Last week, I would have gone just to be with him. Now its more of I need to find someone to go with me that I can count on them to ask me to dance and my focus won’t be on him. Talk about insecurity – that’s me.

    I just feel this is so unfair of him. I want to express my feelings to him but I am supposed to be layed back, no contact, etc. We never fought when we were together. He did not like conflict. We got along but maybe somewhere I wanted to get mad at him for certain things he was doing but “stuffed” my feelings because I did not want to ruin things.

    I am trying to feel what I may go through on Saturday night but for some reason, I am just in shock and can’t seem to reach those feelings. Should I go to his house tonight and tell him how I feel? I have a session with Virginia Clark tonight and maybe after I am weepy with her would be a good time for me to be in touch. Please advise anyone as soon as possible.
    Thanks, Kate

    Monday, 22 March 2010 @ 8:35am

  521. 521: AliciaNo Gravatar says:

    Hi Kate –

    The party..

    On treating these guys like your therapist, I think Rori means for your own self awareness. (Or maybe I got confused when I read your line about – tried to truthful with the host but, had no tears.) I thought maybe you took it really litteral. 😉 I took it as this is an oppoutunity for me to just feel the “checks” in my spirit… Like, this feels good – green light, this other guy is hot but lives in 7 state away, kind of passionate vibe but scared feeling, red light. This guy feels way to young 25yrs, – yellow light…

    Bascically, with the guy that was too young instead of just not responding like I would normally, I said.. I feel like you are too young for me. He tried to convince me and say you can still get to know me. I said. This is true.. then he emailed me asking if I had any questions about him.. And I didn’t so, I didn’t respond. Also the cute guy that was 7 states away, very flirty, I liked it but had that feeling that “this is what I’m trying to get away from” although cute, and felt good but, also scared. I said you are far far away and I’m wanting something more local. I”m feeling kind of scared. Have a nice life.. lol. – He said sorry you feel that way, I understand.

    I give those examples.. because its about you and your feeling in the “present” with him, you and your vibe with him.. Am I right? Not about the ex or telling him you would just think all guys are gay to feel safe.. (although that is very funny and I see the humour) I have to say.. I have been only on 1 internet date in my life and it’s VERY slowly growing on my. Just communicating honestly with the guys thru the email (on the dating site) will free you up.

    Plus you are good for them too. There were some guys that were like Wow.. I didn’t think you would respond. I was happy to, they were nice.. I might not date them but, I could at least say, thankyou you are sweet, it feels good to hear.. (if they are complimenting) and say good luck on here or just respond to their questions get you back in “receiving” mode and good for your energy. I even laughed out loud reading what they had to say..

    And this is good becuase I’m letting them get me back into girly girl mode and not leaning forward or overfunctioning by any means. And it interrupts your thinking about the ex guy. I would sign up for one asap.. They have free ones.. use it as a tool..

    Honestly there was a couple of times I was thinking geeeesh why am I having to do this.. ughhhhh

    But when you see all the guys giving you attention, you stop and go… Heyyyyyyy, people like me, I’m valuable and so is my time. This feels good not to proove myself.. Or “make” something happen.

    Monday, 22 March 2010 @ 1:06pm

  522. 522: AliciaNo Gravatar says:

    Kate –

    On the ex joining your meet up group.. Hmmmmmmmm…… You need an EXPERT!

    I will say, guys can be totally insensitive at times. I had a guy invite a girl he had hooked up/ briefly went out just a very short time before he was with me. He invited to our new years party. And he didn’t flirt with her but, I was like.. Hello she has feelings it was only a two weeks ago, and he was like Nahhh I told her, her and I were just friends..

    Well low and behold.. It was not good for her, not good for me.. Infact her friends were very rude to me and I was mad at him.. for not “getting it” .. Then when I explained.. He was like… Oh ya I see your point. I would have been more protective if I knew or saw how they were acting..

    My advice is: I would tell him or email him how you feel:

    I’m feeling a little conflicted with you joining my meet up group. I feel like this is not conducive to the space I need from you, right now. Although I can’t keep you from coming and want you to feel accepted. I would really appreciate you joining another one, as I’m scared seeing you so soon in that enviroment would make me uncomfortable. I feel like a clean break is what I need right now, so I can continue to be my happy loving self.

    Thanks for understanding, much appreciated.

    Or.. You can join another one.. But, that is not fair.. Or you have to be a rock star and ignore him… But, he could possibly see you dancing with other guys. That just how country dancing is.. But, only go if you feel in total control, and not around p.m.s. haha
    Like, walk in.. pay him no looks or words in his direction and let him see you having fun. But if he makes you feel sad or nervous.. other guys might pick up on that vibe and body language.. So really think about it. I would tell him how you feel before hand so you can go and have FUN!! You will have fun!

    Monday, 22 March 2010 @ 1:24pm

  523. 523: AliciaNo Gravatar says:

    Rori would know much better then I.. Hopefull some one will chime in…

    Monday, 22 March 2010 @ 1:28pm

  524. 524: AliciaNo Gravatar says:

    The past is history,
    The future a mystery,
    And this moment is a GIFT…
    That is why it’s called the PRESENT!

    Monday, 22 March 2010 @ 1:30pm

  525. 525: KateNo Gravatar says:

    Ok. Good advice. I do hope to hear from Rori soon. Yes, I was taking her advice literally thinking she met when we met someone for the first time, and we were truthful and open, we could cry. this is why I did not think I could cry at the drop of a hat; maybe a sad movie. I am usually upbeat. I can be really stupid sometimes. sorry.

    What did you think of my behavior in church? Do you think I that was way too far back? is that what you ladies were referring to?

    I do want to either send him an email or tell him to his face what a xxxx asshole he is for not considering my feelings. If I sent him an email, he may read it or not.

    If I show up in person, then maybe he will see that I am sensitive and maybe if he opened up, he would have seen and felt the connection. One thing though is he will see me as angry and not nice all the time. I never got in his face before since he did not like conflict. I am ready now.

    The guy on Saturday night actually did call me back and said he liked our conversation. I asked him if he was going to go dancing with the group and he said no due to a family committment, however, did suggest we go out maybe before that. so we will see….he is hot and nice though. Maybe don’t have alot in common but he made me feel good inside.

    I just need to remember not to get involved with someone who doesn’t necessarily meet my love goals. Any more thoughts? BTW, are you involved with someone now or possibly married? You seem to know alot.

    Monday, 22 March 2010 @ 2:26pm

  526. 526: AliciaNo Gravatar says:

    Heyy Ladies!

    In another article Rori mentioned the http://www.innerbonding.com website.. It is great.. You can sign up for free.. and they have articles that are awesome. They have a short free book to download, they will send you in email:

    Here is a sample:

    You cannot learn about yourself when you are
    operating from your wounded self.
    Your wounded self is always intent on protecting
    against pain with your various addictions
    and getting love from others with your
    many ways of attempting to control.
    You cannot learn when your intent is to protect
    against that which you fear.
    You cannot learn when you are making others
    responsible for your feelings of safety, lovability, and worth.
    You can learn only when your intent is to learn
    about taking responsibility for your own
    feelings of safety, lovability, and worth.

    Monday, 22 March 2010 @ 2:28pm

  527. 527: AliciaNo Gravatar says:

    NICE GUYS/ Women who overfunction

    You know how women have this “thing” with the “NICE GUYS”.. like some of us are… Ewww, oh he is so nice but I’m not attrcted..

    I was thinking.. I bet we create the same feeling for men when we “overfunction”… Ya dig? Like we do all these “nice” things.. And really anytime you put someone on a pedestal that is higher then they deserve to be on.. They know it. And it’s like they can’t accept it.

    I try to remember that when I deal with men.. If I do this thing for him.. Do I feel like he is worth it? But, is he really worth it and how he does he fill about himself. Or am I doing so he will just hopefully catch the hint and give to me..

    The answer for me is I just need to take care of me, and let him come/give to me..

    Monday, 22 March 2010 @ 2:34pm

  528. 528: Rori RayeNo Gravatar says:

    Kate – Virginia might have another take on this, but here’s mine…life is full of these kinds of things. You’re probably all sick of my “theater group” stories and “rock band” analogies, but that’s what’s happening here. Calling him up or emailing him to tell him how angry you feel that he’s horning in on your territory might make you feel better – or it might make you feel worse. No way to know what he’ll do or say. If it were me – I’d probably write this out for myself as a script: “What’s up with this? I feel totally upset that I’m going to have to deal with seeing you here (this is the group I’ve been going to for 2 years). I’m not over you yet. I can’t imagine seeing you dancing and flirting with other women, and I don’t want to not go because of you. I know I can’t ask you or tell you not to come – but I wanted to spew it out that I will likely not feel friendly in any way about this. I can’t not bump into you around town, but I feel like my territory’s been invaded.” And then I’d sit with it for a few days, say it out loud, process through it, and decide whether to send it or not (with an email of the page with the event list URL) – or go do something else – or just go brave the situation (actually look forward to the challenge) and use it to practice staying with my feelings, feel what I’m feeling, and speak what I’m feeling. Once the speech is written, you can always say it.

    There is no way you can do the wrong thing here – except by stuffing your feelings down or spewing them out as an attack. Wherever you are, if you’re practicing, even if you get mightily triggered – you’ll learn something and it’ll be good. Love, Rori

    Monday, 22 March 2010 @ 2:36pm

  529. 529: AliciaNo Gravatar says:

    How does he *feel about him self?

    Please ignore my typo’s but, I’m sure you get it. :)

    Monday, 22 March 2010 @ 2:37pm

  530. 530: KateNo Gravatar says:

    Hi Rori. Hi Alicia. I just had a really great session with Virginia from the InnerGuide group. There are alot of things I need to work on especially being open with my feelings. Not concerned with what they think of me for being genuine. Not an easy thing for me to do.

    Right after, I gave myself some time but then called my ex-boyfriend and told him without being a bitch that I still cared for him, I could not just turn my feelings off within 2 weeks of a breakup. After telling him I wanted to express some thoughts and feelings to him without sounding like a bitch, I said:

    “I feel you are being completely insensitive to my feelings.” I proceeded to express my feelings if I saw him with other women dancing and flirting how uncomfortable that would make me feel. I also expressed to him that I could not understand after being criticized and judged about my Meetup groups while we were dating that he felt the need to join my Meetup group now.

    I know that I was probably making him uncomfortable but I kept talking. I think he sensed I may have been angry and hurt. I started feeling bad about saying it but held my ground anyway. He said he was sorry and he would back out tonight from the group.

    I don’t think there is a chance in hell now that we will ever be back together. One part of me really wanted him to come around and say that he appreciated by openness and willingness to express my feelings but he did not do this. He was kind but not loving. I was hoping for a different outcome.

    Maybe tomorrow is a different day. Maybe tomorrow I will find someone who loves me but that I do not look to them for validation. I need to find that within me. God will this be hard! I have no idea how to put that to work. I am so insecure about not having very high self esteem.

    I don’t want to be defensive anymore. I just want to be able to say okay when he (a guy) makes a comment about how some of my quirks are weird to him.

    this doesn’t feel good right now Rori.


    Monday, 22 March 2010 @ 8:38pm

  531. 531: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Kate – you will get there I did it is sooo much faster… now that you started there is no stopping… you will get there… you’re on the escalator… wepeee

    the way it worked for me is that i do one babystep feel great, then Bounce down to feeling crappy, then that clears and i take another one, etc

    then after a while the bounce downs became shorter and shorter…

    there are periods like even right now when i feel great great great great… like the tools are breezyzooming

    then sometimes the pond gets cloudy and now i know it will clear

    when the pond gets cloudy thats when its good to go in there AND GIVE
    GIVE to myself

    love and hugs love and hugs like to orphaned children – full power

    and awareness and writing insights

    Tuesday, 23 March 2010 @ 11:59am

  532. 532: AliciaNo Gravatar says:


    Well good for you for being brave! Now be there for yourself, I’m sure if you had an innerbonding session they talked to you about the inner child or “painful feelings”.. and self abandoned. That is when we are looking for someone or something to not feel the pain. This is your chance to be there for YOU!

    Please look around that web site and sign up as a free user.. You will get access asap to understanding and making yourself better. I think you will have several “light bulb moments”… They have tons of articles they at printed off and read in bed, and it all really clicked.

    Tuesday, 23 March 2010 @ 12:35pm

  533. 533: KateNo Gravatar says:

    Daria & Alicia,
    I will check out the website and do babysteps as you mentioned. I feel so guilty right now that I may have overstepped by boundaries by asking him not to participate in my Meetup.

    I want to stay friends in the future or lovers once again, but it hurts so much right now. Maybe I did not have a place telling him that I did not want him near me since I still had feelings for him. I think he was overwhelmed with my request.

    Initially he was very friendly when he called me back and then I just stated my position and felt like I was on the verge of tears.

    Is there anything I can do for the future when I see him in church again? I don’t want him to ignore me for fear that I may be still in love with him and he doesn’t feel the same way.

    What baby steps should I be focusing on? I keep thinking that he was a combination of toxic, a clod, and a good man. Have either of you heard Rori’s “Targeting Mr. Right” program? I wonder if that’s where I need to be or “Reconnect Your Relationship”.

    What exactly are guys looking for in women to make them want to give a committment? I thought I had most of it: intelligent, attractive, sexy, nice, kind, passionate, etc. What I have and don’t want: intensity (tension), nervousness, talkative, being on guard, afraid of my feelings, etc. What I want and don’t have: Self-esteem, Validation inside of me, connection with men (especially my ex BF), etc.

    What do I need to do to get these things?

    Tuesday, 23 March 2010 @ 12:55pm

  534. 534: AliciaNo Gravatar says:

    Example: How I showed up for myself:

    After understanding inner bonding, last night, I wrote in my journal –

    Today I was able to show up for myself by:

    – Taking care of my hurt (inner child, painful feelings) – In the *moment* I was feeling hurt, I was AWARE. I said in my thinking process with COMPASSION. “Awe, it’s okay, I know it hurts, I’m here to listen, I understand how you might feel rejected.”

    Then the Adult/(Understanding, wisdom) feelings came up.
    – “Also, recognize.. Where you sending the email to get a response? Now you know more about love and know that you don’t have to “give” something to “get” love in a unconcious way of (or overfunction) (controlling: trying to get love and avoid pain.) I’ll have a much more clear the INTENTION for the future!!

    Thankful for AWARENESS!!!
    ABLE TO FORGIVE and not hold it against myself or them!!

    And the hurt, fear feeling went away!!!!! YAY!! :) :) :)

    I think that was the first time I tried that… It worked!

    P.S. –
    Also, I noticed when I heard a love song on the radio, instead of allowing it to make me feel sad thinking about ex. I imagined that I was singing it to my innerchild – the little hurt girl in me. I was giving love to her, I imagined hugging her and spinning her in a slow fun circle, smiling. And my whole heart truly went warm.

    Tuesday, 23 March 2010 @ 12:57pm

  535. 535: AliciaNo Gravatar says:

    KATE- BABY STEP #1.. Have an intention that is willing to learn more about you.

    Down load the free book on that web site and understand, the basics of what is going on.. WITH YOU :) The painful feeling, not self abandoning, showing up for them, compassion for your feelings These are so much better explained by Dr. Margaret Paul. Also, there is a audio of a group call they did.. that will help. This is all about you.

    He might or might not contact you later. But, don’t do anything. YOU just showed him that you RESPECT yourself and boundries!! That’s a positive. If I could go back and take away the times I spoke up and then didn’t stick to it.. I would! Remember like they say before the movies “SILENCE is GOLDEN”.

    Just today Joyce Meyer said we want change, then freak out when it starts happening, Be open to it, and we may not enjoy the feelings of it at first, but we get there… We have to be so sick of the past and desire for a better future that we are willing..

    Tuesday, 23 March 2010 @ 1:11pm

  536. 536: JeannetteNo Gravatar says:

    Guys, I have been crying here because of something I discovered today. My ex long distance I found is now on one of the dating sites. He speaks of his favorite movie, “Somewhere In Time” a very romantic movie from the 70’s. Anyway I am so confused. He broke up with me after 2 1/2 years because of the distance between us. I am so hurt because that is the movie I had as my profile header when he found me. He even uses one of the lines as his header in his new profile. We both loved the movie so much. What is wrong with him, why did he give me up? I am so hurt, so confused! I want to call him and ask him why he is doing all this?

    Tuesday, 23 March 2010 @ 1:49pm

  537. 537: JeannetteNo Gravatar says:

    Guys, just an update. I DID call him last night and he said that he still does love me and he is not active on the site I found him on. But, he still cries to me about the distance. I told him I can’t settle for that that I would be the one making the most sacrifices IF I moved near him. Then he went on to say he is having very SERIOUS problems at his work place and it’s making it so he can’t handle a lot of stuff. He said he is not ready to tell me of all the particulars. He said he thinks of me daily and loves me. But what the heck, I told him I did not want to pressure him but I would be willing to listen to what his problems are at work in a non judgmental way. Gosh, I need information but he is being too vague. He sounded good on the phone and I can feel the love in the tone of his voice, but I NEED SOME answers. TOO MYSTERIOUS!

    Tuesday, 23 March 2010 @ 1:55pm

  538. 538: AliciaNo Gravatar says:

    Jeanette –

    I would shift the energy.. Like Rori says if a guy is not asking you to marry him, he cant expect you to be exclusive. Dating will shift the energy.. Get on a website (sounds like you are), and try some inner bonding. I feel like a NEW PERSON and it’s only been a few days but, I had a friend call that I havent heard from in months – this works! On the I was laughing out loud and flirting and this moves you back a stage in regards to your guy. He might be feel intimacy towards you, but, if you acting or feeling engaged.. suggesting again moving to be with him. It might be blocking his feelings from coming up to pursue you. Give him the hunt, if the animal is at his door, he can’t take credit for it nor appreciate it.

    And this is just a comment, I read from one of Steve Harvey books but, if a man’s work and career are lacking.. That is his priority. It’s a man’s DNA to provide, protect, be established (even if he is captain painter).. Men are tangible results oriented. Women different emotional relationships. If you really want to save this… if there is still a chance, you CAN, you have to do whatever it takes to get on with your life and start feeling like the “you” he was attracted to when you first met. I might trigger some anger here, but, I only say this because I have been there, and got advice from experts and male experts as well. I’ve heard my own voice sound like this.. it sound’s like your pleading with him. You have to maintain the pink slip – and that is.. YOU ROCK AND THERE ARE OTHER PEOPLE WHO SEE THIS. SO KEEP STEPPIN… He’ll figure it out but, not while your negotiating with him.

    I (googled) (How to get your ex back). They will tell you these “actions” can be pushing him further away. And this site is not what came up first but, works best. But, the news letter I get in my email from the other news letters I get, clearly say this is not the way to go about it. I would look at more info and use several tools for you. Knowledge is power. The attraction and tone have to be there. And I mean that by….. the space so he feels and’s see’s what missing you in his life feels like. It like taking the air out of the room. If your calling and pleading and playing therapist, he has all the benefits of you energy, compassion, with out feeling strongly effected to make any move just at a stand still.. Dust off any feeling of rejection… care for them, and get on to the nusic. Men respond to no contact… They do not understand a bunch of words.. they respond to no contact. (in these cases) Seriously, try it. Even if it takes awhile.. the stronger you are, the better, and I know some people say oh you can respond to him. BUT NOT WHILE YOU ARE IN FRIEND ZONE! Play and be smart.. you can do it.

    Tuesday, 23 March 2010 @ 7:05pm

  539. 539: JeannetteNo Gravatar says:

    Alicia, you are correct and I know that in my heart! It just burned me up when I saw him on the dating site with all the info he included in his profile about the romantic movie that ‘he and I both loved so much, that brought us together.’ But, I have to stop picking up the phone when he calls. Maybe not ALL the time but it’s hard because he is only calling me about once every ten days now. When I don’t pickup I worry that he thinks I am snubbing him. He is sort of smart. I have to act smarter than him with all of this and it’s hard to think what’s right! Please pray that I will be strong and yes I will circular date, I already am! Thanks for being a friend!

    Wednesday, 24 March 2010 @ 3:37am

  540. 540: AliciaNo Gravatar says:

    (This was in my peronal email) GOOD READ!

    Tip #1. Debating Your Way Back Into Love Won’t Work
    I hate to break it to you, but you can’t logically win your exback. Love is about feelings and emotions and NOT about logic. Even if you come up with the most convincing reasons why the two of you should still be together, it won’t register with your ex. Inorder to get your ex back into your arms, they have to bere-attracted to you.

    TIp #2. Don’t Be Needy
    Have you ever heard of the phrase “the hungry dog doesn’t get fed?”Well this is essentially the reason why so many people have a hardtime getting their ex back. When it comes to attracting theopposite sex (and especially in re-attracting your ex), the personwho has the most options and who cares the least usually will havethe balance of power shifted to their favor. When you pour allyour feelings on the table and BEG your ex to take you back, youare literally pushing them further away from you. This is a verycounter-intuitive concept, but the harder you “try” to get your exback, the worse your chances are of succeeding.

    Tip #3. Rebound Fling Rebound flings (Another option girls – Circular Dating)
    are normally risky business so proceed with caution.But if you can find another mate to take your mind off your ex fora short period of time, you’ll be in a MUCH better position to getyour ex back. Why is this? Because what normally goes on after abreakup is the person who wants their ex back tends tends to OBSESS over their ex. Their heads are jam packed with thoughts abouttheir ex and the result of this is coming off as extremelydesperate when you’re around your ex. The best way to get aroundthis is to find a rebound fling that can take your mind away fromyour ex for a bit of time, in order to get your head back onstraight. That way, once you go back and talk to your ex, youwon’t be coming from a position of neediness.

    Tip #4. Stay Away From The Booze.
    I know for some of you, Jack Daniels and Jose Cuervo are the 2people that you turn to for comfort at times like these, but stayaway! Drinking causes one to drunk dial and drunk dialing leads towell… saying things we regret the next morning. If you’re exdoesn’t pick up the phone, we tend to call again… and again…and yet again after that. Now how attractive is it to your exwhen they heard 7 drunken messages from you on their voicemail?

    Tip #5. Work On Yourself
    This piece of advice is on every “Get Your Ex Back” book on theplanet, but I’m going to say it anyway. After a breakup, in orderto get yourself back on your feet and in a better position tore-attract your ex, invest some time and energy on working onyourself. Instead of thinking of reasons why the two of you shouldbe back together, make yourself more attractive to them by improving yourself.

    Wednesday, 24 March 2010 @ 9:22pm

  541. 541: AliciaNo Gravatar says:

    Jeanette – I want you to feel empowered! :) Sooo Is it possible to snub a guy who calls you a few times a month? Or is HE the one snubbing you??

    (from: Why men love B*’s)


    Applies to married or dating: If you need to renew the mental challenge, alter the pattern. When ever he seems complacent, just alter the pattern.

    Example: Tracy benefited from altering the pattern. She used to feel as though her husband Allen, took her for granted when he would travel out of town on business. Tracy used to wait for Allen’s long distance call.. Predictably, Allen started to behave as if calling her was a chore, as though he was “checking in.” Or punching a clock. He’d call around 7:30 p.m. and then rush her off the phone so he could go out with friends to drink with colleagues.

    Girlfriend decided to rock the boat. How? By staying just outside of his reach. When he went on his next business trip, she drove him to the airport and didn’t say, “Call me when you get there.” For the entire trip, half the time she was there, and the other half she could not be reached. She went out and visited with friends she hadn’t seen and didn’t did not take his call.

    The first evening that Tracy didnt take his call, Allen flipped. His whole orientation changed immediately. He called at 7:30 and virtually every half -hour after until 10:30.. Went out, had half a drink, and then right back to his room to call his wife again. Tracy walked in at 10:59 and the phone rang again at 11:01.

    Where as before is was a chore, now Allen was happy to reach her. She was happy, too, especially when she looked and saw all the messages. (This works, I tried it)
    Suddenly Allen missed Tracy. Why? Becuase she had a life of her own outside their relationship.
    Never stop living your life. You can be happy with him or without him and this keep you……. just out side of his reach.

    Wednesday, 24 March 2010 @ 9:50pm

  542. 542: AliciaNo Gravatar says:

    Attraction Principle #90


    The first symptom will almost always be that you sense you are being put “on hold.”

    Once he knows you are waiting he’ll make you wait forever.. This is when it’s time to alter the routine.

    Example: Anita describes dating Dave and how the pattern got set up.. He’d call me around 4 everyday. He started calling later and later.. I’d be on pins and needles not knowing if we had plans. I gave up alot of activites because he was keeping me “at bay”

    Women like Anita end up “at bay” for the simple reason.. THEY ARE WILLING TO WAIT. This is when it’s time to alter the routine
    The solution is strait forward.. She chooses to make herself less available and schedule the time he is seeing her. ( Notice that she does not offer to travel to see him.) All she had to say is”What time were you thinking of getting together?” Dave could say “I’ll call you tommorrow when I get off work”
    THE TRICK IS: not to leave it at that.. say “Gee, I may not be available then, and would hate to miss you, let’s schedule a time now.” If he insist on letting you know later. (let it go to voicemail.) The alternative is to wait for his call.

    Attraction Principle #91

    Wednesday, 24 March 2010 @ 10:17pm

  543. 543: AliciaNo Gravatar says:



    A sense of humor is a sexy quality. When you lose your sense of humour in a relationship, it’s around the time you become “sprung.”

    Men may not come out and say it but, they notice when you loose the edge. A sense of humor is more then just finding something to say; it about a person’s composure.. It lets people know you are comfortable in your own skin. The goal is not to be a stand up comic, that would seem like your trying too hard. It’s sexy to banter because humor suggest you are a independent thinker.


    Wednesday, 24 March 2010 @ 10:26pm

  544. 544: KateNo Gravatar says:


    I love these Attraction Principles. Where can I get more?

    Also, I started feeling guilty about saying those not so nice words to my ex about the Meetup group.

    I called and left a message today on his phone stating that if he wants to join, be my guest in a nice friendly way. I mentioned that it was a good group and if he was going to join a group, that would be a good one to start with. I let my anger be dismissed and felt confident when I told him this. Believe it or not, he called me back to apologize, stating he was an asshole and said that he was only kidding about the criticizing but again aplogized if I did not take it this way. I told him I accepted his apology and thanked him for calling me back.

    He asked what I was doing. I told him what a friend and I were doing and it sounded like he wanted to talk but I told him I had to go. He asked me to keep him informed about my event but I won’t call him back. I will lean back once more. I don’t feel so guilty now.

    Wednesday, 24 March 2010 @ 11:48pm

  545. 545: AliciaNo Gravatar says:









    Definition of a BITCH ( also known as a Goddess) in this context:
    (noun) – A women who will not bang her head against a wall obbessing over someone else in her life. She understands that if someone does not approve of her, it’s just one persons opinion; therefore, it’s no real importance, She does not try to live up to someone elses standards- only her own. Becuase of this, she relates to men very easily.

























    32. LET HIM THINK HE IS CONTROL. HE’LL AUTOMATICALLY START DOING THINGS YOU WANT BECAUSE HE’LL ALWAYS WANT TO LOOK LIKE A “KING” IN HIS EYES.. (And if he is driving and you want him to turn right.. tell him to turn left. lol)







    (Dont stop the things you were doing before him, working out, classes, hobbies)






















    Wednesday, 24 March 2010 @ 11:54pm

  546. 546: AliciaNo Gravatar says:






    (I”m taking the caps off.. lol)

    Thursday, 25 March 2010 @ 12:03am

  547. 547: AliciaNo Gravatar says:

    The flying tool:

    A better way to try it (for people who pay attention to what the speak out)

    IMAGINE – You are flying, soaring in the sky, feel the warmth of the sun and breeze, smell the fresh air. Can you see it? Feel it? Now look down and see your “guy”.. Plus, all the other men in the entire world. How do you feel?

    (I feel like ohhh wow, there are so many.. maybe there is someone else, maybe my feelings aren’t as strong as I thought but, I like this experience. Now I feel good just feeling angelic, soaring in the warm air and taking in ALL that I see.)

    Thursday, 25 March 2010 @ 12:25am

  548. 548: mackenzieNo Gravatar says:

    Alicia, omg, those attraction tool posts were so awesome!!!

    Thursday, 25 March 2010 @ 12:22pm

  549. 549: AliciaNo Gravatar says:

    😀 Thanks, They helped me ALOT! If only I had them in my weakest moments. I’m thinking about printing them in keeping them in my purse. haha

    Thursday, 25 March 2010 @ 2:02pm

  550. 550: JeannetteNo Gravatar says:

    Alicia, I think have to admit your a damn good friend and to think, I never even met you in person! Thanks for taking the time!! I was wondering if we can make a deal. I don’t want to pick up the phone for 2 weeks when he calls. That means right through Easter too. You’re right…..he is the one snubbing me, why? Because up to now he knows he can!! Okay, I was wondering if I can check in with you and tell you THAT I AM NOT ANSWERING HIS CALLS. TO be truthful, it may not make any difference what so ever but it’s the only thing I HAVE NOT done and I just can’t think of any thing else. Let me tell you though, he is very stubborn and I personally don’t think it will matter that much because I waited too long to do it and he is probably seeing someone else by now. Oh, well! What really do I have to lose? Thanks for ALL YOUR WORDS, but I don’t know if any ‘bitchy’ stuff would help because of the long distance. Know what I mean?

    Thursday, 25 March 2010 @ 2:10pm

  551. 551: AliciaNo Gravatar says:

    :) Thanks girl.. haha Sounds like you need an accountability partner.. A friend who has the voice of reason, when we are weak. I totally get it. That should be another tool.. lol.

    All of those attraction things above are from the book. “Why men love bitches”.. And Why men marry bitches. BUT, I just want EVERYONE to know “”the term is used VERY PLAYFULLY””.. I would get it from the book store, or amazon.com.. It’s laugh out loud awesome. It’s smart to layer the information from dating experts. So, I take the attraction chapters from that book and combine them with what Rori offers, then layer that with inner bonding and my relationship with God. Basically what you have is a self empowered girl, who is the goddess of her feminine energy and has plenty of circular dating options. Who can express her feeling and not demand or try to control someone elses… She is so intune with herself, she know’s to put herself first, because she is precious and allows God to heal the places in her life so she can feel the value restored and thus, teach people how to treat and not give up herself to get love. See? It ALL flows together. And guess what? I have a guy that think of often who is two hours away. I did alot of things right.. and then alot of things that I wish I hadn’t.. BUT when you know better you do better. So, I’m back on track!! If he comes around great, but, like my dad said.. date with this in my “It’s a limited time offer” and when you move on or date other. There is an energy shift. He could be in my life again, or maybe his purpose has been served and there is a new mystery around the corner. You sound like you are on the right track!!

    Thursday, 25 March 2010 @ 2:34pm

  552. 552: JeannetteNo Gravatar says:

    Got it girl!! Limited time offer. Generally the men we date are not going to be our forever dude!! Just got to accept it and enjoy the ride. I have to learn to love myself so much more. Anyone would tell you that knows me, I beat myself up hard for my mistakes and there’s just no forgetting them. But that is where I need to get unstuck and just learn to appreciate what I have going and lighten up in every other way. I also have to learn something else. Sometimes I will keep going out with a guy just cuz I am lonely (like this local one who is pursuing me) and then when I go out with him I just know in my heart I am leading him on. That is until I have a better offer. Maybe I just have to learn to be content with being alone at times? It’s hard on a Saturday night. But have you ever found that its just hard kissing a guy, I mean passionately like they want if you’re just not into them? Sometimes I even dread the end of the eve if they want to kiss before they go. Can’t we just shake hands? Oh brother!!

    Thursday, 25 March 2010 @ 2:43pm

  553. 553: AliciaNo Gravatar says:

    Jeanette –

    Oh ya I feel ya. I did the same thing.. beat myself up.. But, when I started letting God in and understood innerbonding.. the switch occured. If you beat yourself up alot like we all do.. check out this site http://www.joycemeyer.org – Her story is amazing. And she keeps it real. I think you will like her to, just pick a video.. and see if it helps. But, I took a long time off from dating.. and now I’m back out there. Now I practice being honest.. I use to ignore guys, or put up with stuff that now I feel good speaking up about that. The more you date yourself and heal/grow the more you will find better and better people in your life and standing up for yourself and telling someone.. You are awesome but, I feel like we are better friends. I know there is someone great for you out there. It feels good to be honest.. even is you have deliver news that you think they might not like. It helps you handle things you don’t like to hear in a releasing way.. it’s like ohhh well, that not so bad.. Anyway, glad to know you.. I’m making myself go to the gym.. haha

    Thursday, 25 March 2010 @ 3:21pm

  554. 554: JeannetteNo Gravatar says:

    Alicia, goooooooo girl!! SO glad you’re going to the gym. It’s one of my hang outs but oh, remember this….sometimes if you don’t feel like going or just go in for 20 minutes, say it’s okay to yourself. I will be just fine either way! Oh, and I am a big Joyce Meyer fan, I can relate to her story…..

    Thursday, 25 March 2010 @ 3:36pm

  555. 555: AliciaNo Gravatar says:

    OMG this was just in my email from Christian Carter it his news letter on Catch Him, Keep Him:

    haha – Jeanette, looks like the right info is showing up!

    What If He Doesn’t Call

    Note: When a man doesn’t call you much, or he
    stops calling altogether, he’s sending a clear
    message about his feelings and about what he
    thinks of you. But most women don’t know what
    this message means… and what to do about it.
    If you’ve dated a man and he suddenly stopped
    calling after a few great dates, and you didn’t
    know what to do about it, then read THIS:

    Ever wonder why the man you’re dating and
    having an amazing time with doesn’t call you
    very often?

    But most women also know on an intuitive
    level that coming out and actually asking a
    man why he’s acting this way wouldn’t bring
    about anything good.

    And guess what?

    Their intuition is right.

    With most men in this situation, if you
    want to connect with a man and grow closer,
    then the answer is NOT to try and get him to
    talk about his thoughts and feelings.

    It’s time you learned what it really means
    if a man isn’t calling… and what to do
    about it to quickly “turn the tables” in your
    favor so that he’s the one calling and asking
    you out.

    You’ve been out with a man for an entire
    month. (Not long at all, and effectively NO
    TIME in a man’s mind)

    You’ve seen each other once or twice a week
    or so for 3-4 whole weeks. (Not even enough for
    a man to see you as “dating”)

    “Am I asking for too much from him?”

    Simply put – YES. You’re asking for too
    much because you shouldn’t be ASKING HIM for
    what you want and then hoping that he “meets
    your demands.”

    This is a LOSING APPROACH that will 100%
    guarantee that a man won’t want to give you
    what you’re looking for.


    Well, it’s not because you actually are
    asking for too much.

    It’s OK to know that you’d like a man in
    your life who you’re involved with to call
    you more.

    But this isn’t about whether this is ok
    for you to ask for.

    No. This is all about THE WAY you ask,
    and the emotions and expectations a man will
    see that you’re holding onto when you open
    your mouth and you’ve been going through a
    whole lot of disappointment and frustration
    with him… while he’s thinking that you’ve
    been out on a few fun dates and everything is
    fine and dandy.


    Here’s something you might not have thought

    Men often communicate and show their
    feelings in less “direct” ways than simply
    saying and expressing how the feel.

    In fact, most men are a whole lot more
    conscious of DOING things than they are of
    how they effect and relate to others on an
    emotional level.

    So… when a man doesn’t call, it’s often
    NOT an indication of something else going on
    for him that he might want to talk to you

    Often times it’s simply an indication that
    he doesn’t actually FEEL like spending more
    time around you.

    So he simply doesn’t call.

    In other words, when it comes to men and
    dating, it’s best to look at a man’s ACTIONS
    and BEHAVIORS as the only TRUE INDICATION of
    how they really feel inside.

    As a woman, you can probably spin your
    wheels dreaming up all kinds of incredible
    and elaborate ideas and scenarios for why
    a man isn’t calling and what it means about
    his feelings and your situation.

    But, if you’re interested in doing more
    than analyzing and trying to figure out things
    in your own mind… then it’s best to “read”
    the men you’re dating early on by what they
    DO… and NOT what they SAY.

    Which means… a man not calling you often,
    or at all, is an important signal in and of

    If a man is spending time with a woman
    he “likes”, but he isn’t sure if he would want
    much more than a few casual dates with her…
    then here’s what he does…

    He only calls her every once in a while to
    keep the “connection” open… making sure not
    to let the connection die, but also making
    sure not to spend too much time with a woman
    or show her too many signs of interest that
    might indicate he’d want a more serious

    And yes, some men actually think this way
    and are CONSCIOUS about NOT CALLING women
    very often if they don’t want things to get
    more serious.

    While other men who don’t call are usually
    doing this inadvertently as they’re going
    about their life and not thinking much about
    wanting more with a woman.

    Here’s what you need to take away from
    all this…

    If a man isn’t calling and you’d like him
    to call more and to grow in your relationship
    together, it really doesn’t matter WHY.

    The only things that matter are if he’s
    not calling because he’s not interested in a
    relationship with you ever.


    If he’s not calling because he’s just not
    feeling “that way” for you YET.

    Which begs the question – how do you get
    a man feeling “that way” for you if he’s not
    feeling it yet?

    Well, for starters, you need to STOP doing
    the things that will promise that a man WON’T
    feel it for you.

    Things like CALLING HIM TOO MUCH.

    Or getting upset and hurt that he hasn’t
    called when there’s no “relationship” yet,
    and it’s just YOUR EXPECTATION that he SHOULD
    call more.

    Or generally taking on any other needy,
    clingy, or overly emotional behaviors that
    will have a man thinking you’d be nothing
    but a pain if he was to get to know you and
    involved in a real relationship with you.

    What you need to do instead is to start
    to learn the behaviors that create the
    feeling of ATTRACTION inside a man.

    Because attraction is the one thing that
    will “override” all the logical reasons a
    man has for NOT wanting to get involved with
    a woman or stay single…

    And will take over his “emotional world”
    and have him thinking and acting from his
    EMOTIONS with you… instead of his “logical
    mind” that will often try to RESIST a woman
    and a real committed relationship.

    One of my favorite quotes that has stuck
    with me over the years is…

    “Let change begin with me.”

    Thursday, 25 March 2010 @ 3:43pm

  556. 556: AliciaNo Gravatar says:

    J –

    That is good advice on the gym because I get this idea in my head on how much time I’ll be there and sometimes once I’m there, feel bad for not accomplishing it. But, like the say some is better then none. :)

    Thursday, 25 March 2010 @ 3:46pm

  557. 557: Erika AwakeningNo Gravatar says:

    I’ve mostly checked out but saw the Bitches and Christian Carter ones and had to chime in cuz I wasted so much time trying to ‘apply’ advice like that, only to end up going in circles, more and more disconnected from real live men.

    The only thing standing between a woman and ANY man is her own fear and limiting beliefs. Changing ‘behavior’ is virtually useless unless the beliefs change.

    Thursday, 25 March 2010 @ 4:00pm

  558. 558: SienaNo Gravatar says:

    (Once again agreeing with Erika, haha). I also subscribed to the Christian Carter emails for a while, but every time I read one, I would find something in my spirit “drop”. It just seemed like a lot of work, many many things to remember – like a formula that I had to remember to keep my guy interested. It depressed me a little I guess!

    Alicia, this is not a slam against you, I can tell you are a genuine soul, and are invigorated by his advice – and I completely understand that! And those are definitely interesting to read!

    For me though, that all sounds like “in the mind” stuff. It feels so much more natural for me to just relax, forget about rules, and open up my heart. Even typing that phrase, my whole body relaxed and I took a deep breath.

    I know that Rori interviews CC on her Commitment Blueprint CD, and even that interview felt disconnected to me. Something just doesn’t sit right in my spirit with it all…


    Thursday, 25 March 2010 @ 4:11pm

  559. 559: AliciaNo Gravatar says:

    I like it for me.. When you see how many girls over function and think they are listening to thier heart’s sometimes it’s good to have a wake up call.

    Especially, when you see the advice they give men on dating… it’s shocking. I like to layer it all. I had Chirstian’s book like 4 years ago…. and can’t say whether I got anything on it or not. To each thier own. :)

    Thursday, 25 March 2010 @ 4:30pm

  560. 560: JeannetteNo Gravatar says:

    Alicia, so are you saying that in order for this man who left me to feel his emotional self with me, I need to back way up and just let him DO ALL THE WORK FROM HERE ON…like I DON”T care or something? In order for him to feel emotions I need to stop feeling them? It may just be too late. I mean, if some woman got to him she definitely has the advantage, especially if she lives close to him and I don’t!

    Thursday, 25 March 2010 @ 4:38pm

  561. 561: Erika AwakeningNo Gravatar says:

    Really? Is that want you want .. to feel nothing?

    Or would you like it to be mutual?

    What if you back way off and nothing happens? Nobody shows up, no man comes.

    That’s what happened to me when I practiced all those rules.

    Years of frustration could have been saved if only I had known then what I know now.

    Thursday, 25 March 2010 @ 4:43pm

  562. 562: AliciaNo Gravatar says:

    How could I take it as a blow, when I didn’t do anything wrong? lol.. umm, but thanks, I guess.

    Like I said, for me it’s God, innerbonding (these are beliefs systems) and knowledge, It doesn’t matter how much feeling you do, if you end up pursuing a guy more then he is you. For me, when I’m out having an experience with a man, I’m in the present, not really thinking about tips from a book. I think that for most people. It when a shift happens sometimes people get so into their feelings they dont stop and see what is happening. Feeling like he’s is your everything, to a guy who is pulling away is not what works. And I think every girl would have to admit they have overfunctioned at what point or another. I mean you do you.. I’ll do me 😉

    Thursday, 25 March 2010 @ 4:47pm

  563. 563: GoodheartNo Gravatar says:

    I am one who was getting the Christian Carter emails also & I felt the exact same way as Erika & Siena. You know what I felt? I felt like he just wanted to sell me more of his products. Oh, you got my ebook? Great! Now let me sell you the next thing so you can really shine. And then, there’s another program. I’m sorry, but I feel this way with all the “programs” out there. You should not have to be in an endless loop of trying to grab onto more & more keys, secrets, tips & info & keep shelling out your money for it. I may be offending people here, but seriously where does it end?

    Erika, you hit the nail square on the head. It is about being completely comfortable with who we are as women. Not to EVER depend on a man for our happiness. Yes, this is easier said than done but it’s the bottom line.

    I think this somehow connected to the trouble I’ve been having in relationships lately. I have too many things to try to remember, ways to act, say this, don’t say that. My God. It’s EXHAUSTING! & I totally lost sight of my authentic self.

    I’m pooped. I’m letting go. I’m just going to be me. Like me. Don’t like me. I don’t really give a flying saucer anymore. At least I’ll know who I’m looking at in the mirror.

    Thursday, 25 March 2010 @ 4:48pm

  564. 564: AliciaNo Gravatar says:

    OMG.. Did I trigger some anger? I’ve shared and had amazing feelings. THAT IS THE POINT! When you respect yourself.. you can speak up.. Or choose to not lean forward.. That is all.. haha geesh

    Thursday, 25 March 2010 @ 4:49pm

  565. 565: AliciaNo Gravatar says:

    Honestly this is NOT about Christian Carter. I had and stopped getting his info years ago.. It was about talking to a friend who said her guy is calling less and less, and then a email just at the same exact time showing up in my box.. Iike divine order. And doesn’t Rori also have info on Christian? I’m not sure what this has to do with him.? It was why a guy doesn’t call. Read the blogs post alot of girls feel they no why.. he is having work or family issues. When that is not the reality.. I find this amusing. If we all just stopped and did eft, no one would have a reason to be on here.. right?

    Thursday, 25 March 2010 @ 4:57pm

  566. 566: GoodheartNo Gravatar says:

    Alicia, I didn’t really get anger from anyone’s posts. Frustration maybe. And yes, I think some of the programs are good & everyone should take the bits & pieces from them that apply to their situations. Personally, I was turned off from Christian Carter after getting bombarded with emails trying to sell me more of his programs. I had to step back & say, ok, at what point do I take the training wheels off & go it alone? That’s all I’m saying & if people like all the advice from Christian that’s great. I was just sharing my perspective. I would feel bad if all the women out there got on a merry go round they couldn’t get off of. After awhile, we just have to let go & trust ourselves.

    BTW, I’ve read a lot of your posts & you’ve got great stuff to say. This blog is where I find the most help.

    Thursday, 25 March 2010 @ 5:01pm

  567. 567: GoodheartNo Gravatar says:

    Yes, I think most women have overfunctioned at one time or another. Myself, over & over. And it’s true that when a guy stops calling we usually want to know why & we listen to all the excuses when really it’s just because he doesn’t want to call anymore.

    Thursday, 25 March 2010 @ 5:04pm

  568. 568: AliciaNo Gravatar says:


    Yes.. Pretty much. Do you hear yourself.. “this man who left me” to feel his emotional self with me, I need to back way up and just let him DO ALL THE WORK FROM HERE ON… (Hellooo yes ma’am!)

    If he comes backm Welcome him! But, you trying to do anything.. is it working? Has it worked? When you are his option or in friends zone. Pay attention and get on with your life, how can nothing happen or no one show up if you are living your life? And have diginity? Or do you want to be his mutual friend?
    By all means when he comes to you with something more the “checking in” allow him in.. What if he comes with flowers after not having you as a “friend” for 6months.. Well, by all means share your feelings and be receptive.

    Thursday, 25 March 2010 @ 5:07pm

  569. 569: JeannetteNo Gravatar says:

    Thanks guys, I will hang in there for myself and no one else unless he steps up to the plate and gives me what I’m deserving of. But Alicia, I still want you to hang in there for me and make me accountable for not answering to him…I give in and I don’t want to anymore. Know what I mean? No friendship, just is not good enough for this gal.

    Thursday, 25 March 2010 @ 5:30pm

  570. 570: LoriNo Gravatar says:

    I feel so frustrated. I feel like just giving up. My sister and I went to happy hour tonight. We live in a beach town and it’s Spring Break. The place was packed with all ages, and both locals and tourists. It was very heavily weighted on both extremes-very young-probably-need-fake IDs-to-get-in all the way up to early 60s. My sister and I are very attractive businesswomen and were two of the few women not on either extreme. There were many more men our age than women, and most of them were local businessmen in suits who had just gotten off of work. Without meaning to sound conceited in any way, my sister and I were the most attractive, eligible (legal lol) women in the entire place.

    Now, this isn’t Ft. Lauderdale or Miami or any of those places that attracts Barbie and Ken college students for Spring Break. Our Spring Breakers here are below average looking at best. So, my sister and I being attractive, eligible businesswomen sitting in a bar with below average looking college age girls who look 12 and are drunk to the point of puking and acting really really REALLY stupid. Some of them even SMELLED BAD! And the businessmen OUR age are FALLING ALL OVER THEM.

    Now I could see if they were below average but had great personalities. But I didn’t see one girl in the place that looked like she honestly had anything that a 30+ yo businessman would find attractive-either physically or mentally. Yet they were falling all over them. And guess what? The college age men were hitting on me and my sister!!

    I feel so frustrated! The men who have asked me out this week have been either married, creepy/stalkerish, (yes, I have one of those too!) or college boys who look 12. The few men I’m interested in (Mr. Fabulous and handicapped guy) have contacted me regularly but neither has asked to spend time with me!

    I feel like I’m in a cesspool of men instead of a river of men right now…. : (

    Thursday, 25 March 2010 @ 6:28pm

  571. 571: Rori RayeNo Gravatar says:

    Erika – here’s my take: Outer stuff is the inner showing up on the outside, and inner stuff is impacted considerably by what happens on the outside. At every moment, we can do something that’s healing, or do something that re-traumatizes ourselves. So – to me – behavior is hugely important. You change behavior, you set a climate for healing instead of trauma. The thing is – the behavior is not about strategy or this or that to have any effect on anyone ELSE!! The behavior change is to make YOU feel BETTER! And if it doesn’t make you feel better, it’s not working. So you drop it. You try stuff. Images, practices, breathing, walking, touching, talking…Sometimes – EVIDENCE on the outside helps us have the courage to be WILLING to change beliefs. Love, Rori

    Thursday, 25 March 2010 @ 7:06pm

  572. 572: Rori RayeNo Gravatar says:

    Need to let you all know this…I know Christian – and regardless of whether you like his writings or programs or opinions – as a person, to me he’s the real deal. He really, really cares. And he’s a genuinely GOOD guy. He’s actually sort of a dream guy walking. He’s on the quiet side. He’s not one to get out there and do PR on TV and radio, so maybe that’s why the video doesn’t sing to you, and thank you for letting me know that. Everyone expresses themselves and wants to help in different ways and has different styles and different gifts – and I know that every time I’ve talked with him – he just wants to talk about helping women, just like me, in the way he knows how (Evan Mark Katz is like that too – very genuine and caring – and frustrated with the way men are sometimes, too) – which does help so many women. I think Erika met him once, too – so I just want to put it out there that his heart is totally in the right place…I read everything I can get on the internet, about nearly everything – and it seems to me I get bits and pieces that are valuable from everywhere – diamonds scattered in the farthest-off places…..Love, Rori

    Thursday, 25 March 2010 @ 7:15pm

  573. 573: Erika AwakeningNo Gravatar says:

    Yes, indeed, I did meet him in person, and he is AWESOME! And hot too. Nothing I have said is intended otherwise.

    I’m just saying …

    Think about it.

    In ANY other area of your life, would you go through what happens here.

    The cabinet guy didn’t get back to me this week. Did I sit around and wonder what was going on for him and what strategy I should employ so that he would want to get back to me?

    NO. I emailed him and said why the delay was an issue for me, and would he please get back to me? Guess what, he did.

    We make all this WAY more complicated than it needs to be. Guys are just human beings, just like us.

    The only reason we play all these silly charades in the arena of romance is that our child mind is still feeling powerless. It thinks love is different than ordinary daily business activities. Still thinking it’s at the mercy of unconscious parents who have all the power. And what on earth can I do to get their approval? They are so scary and big, and I’ve got to do all these indirect things to get their love…


    Just say no.

    It’s the fear that pushes love away. The fear is supported by beliefs formed long ago that no longer make any sense at all. Get rid of the fear, and love will come to you. Not because you made a point of not calling him, not because you used tactics and techniques, not because you called him names or wrote him off, etc. …

    but because your forcefield of fearful beliefs finally melted away enough that you could actually SEE the human being sitting across from you.

    He was never a monster at all. You just couldn’t see him through all that fear.

    Thursday, 25 March 2010 @ 7:29pm

  574. 574: Rori RayeNo Gravatar says:

    Lovely, Erika…

    Thursday, 25 March 2010 @ 7:52pm

  575. 575: Rori RayeNo Gravatar says:

    Love this: “your forcefield of fearful beliefs finally melted away enough that you could actually SEE the human being sitting across from you.” Now – it’s the melting process we’re in…Love, Rori

    Thursday, 25 March 2010 @ 7:53pm

  576. 576: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    i find it different. in business i can take man voice (if i choose and sometimes i do)

    and email back flaky cabinet guy

    but emailing cabinet guy is not gonna get me cabinet love. it may make him more stressed and possibly POSSIBLY get me a faster result by dominating him with my male energy


    its not gonna get romantic guy to be dominant AND call me

    excuse me, im feeling attracted and havent received your wedding proposal yet… would you please get in touch with me with a ring asap?

    PS – cabinet guy KNOWS hes competing with other cabinet guys, so he has even more incentive to get back to u

    this wont work if say cabinet guy is your local monopoly

    excuse me, the bus didnt stop when i arrived… can you please send a new bus asap?

    that one doesnt work

    i spent most of my life thinkign guys and me are all alike

    now im discovering were male and female wopee what fun

    all human but clearly different… we get to play with energy

    im not actually disagreeing with erika…

    i feel triggered at the idea of dismissing some beliefs concepts that feel good

    like: men and women are different in the best way possible

    my actions are just as impactful on my subconscious as i want them to be

    Thursday, 25 March 2010 @ 8:32pm

  577. 577: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    dammit – i wnet to my “arguing” addiction hehe. i love my arguing addiction…

    i love my desire to mind wrestle

    mind wrestle in the mud anyone?


    Thursday, 25 March 2010 @ 8:35pm

  578. 578: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    does mind wrestling turn me on? but not a man? or does it turn us both on, but not connect us emotionally?

    i feel so energized and intense and shaky mind wrestling wiht a man… this is what i used to think connection was

    i find myself attracted to men who have mindwrestled me and not submitted


    i dont think it bonds them tho it turns them on, according to Rori….

    its like me lookin really hot and having great sex

    the connection is thru the heart


    mindwrestling turns me on cuz its a pattern i learned with my dad

    interesting stuff

    Thursday, 25 March 2010 @ 8:39pm

  579. 579: Simply ShannonNo Gravatar says:

    Daria: Mindwrestling is exactly what I did tonight! Too funny that you wrote those words. They fit perfectly with my mindset tonight. Gosh I felt exhausted by it. Well, first irritated and judged, then exhausted. Definitely not a way to build a connection. I spared with Mr. Fabulous Kisser and neither of us “won”. Now I felt totally disconnected from him. He wanted to win and I didn’t want him to win. I kept saying “I feel defensive and judged” and he kept saying “don’t feel defensive”. Grrr. And now I get to spend an entire weekend camping with him. Great.

    I just feel annoyed. Not at him, just in general. Annoyed and bored. And argumentative. I’m really hoping that this camping trip will help me feel connected with the earth again and feel peaceful for awhile. I need some time to be still. I hope Mr. Fab Kisser can deal otherwise I may have to kick him off the island for bad behavior.

    Thursday, 25 March 2010 @ 9:02pm

  580. 580: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Shannon HAHA — kick him off the island for bad behavior! lol!

    Thursday, 25 March 2010 @ 9:04pm

  581. 581: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Ok so how come after i mind wrestle a man i feel turned on by him? is it because his sense of personal power? (yes) ok thanks

    Thursday, 25 March 2010 @ 9:05pm

  582. 582: KateNo Gravatar says:

    HI! In one of your blogs you write, “behaviors that create the feeling of attraction”. Can you be more specific of what you mean? I realize behaviors of leaning back, speak the truth and for yourself, focus on your life, develop a passion, speak about feelings and not blame….I get all this but is there something more that will get him to connect to me and fall in love with me? Thanks.

    Thursday, 25 March 2010 @ 11:25pm

  583. 583: heartbeatNo Gravatar says:

    I *know* all sorts of theories – about attachment, personal growth, human development, gestalt, limiting beliefs etc etc.

    But I feel I’m really HEALING by behaving and speaking differently – Practice-in-the-Field – in more and more authentic ways… and then FEELING the difference… feeling all kinds of things, sometimes fear, sometimes joy…

    It’s like the new behaviour changes everything enough for me to see the old stuff. And feel the difference. Not about ‘getting the guy’ but about healing ME.

    And it feels LIGHT and EASY, experimental, surrendering.

    Short messages, saying no, saying yes. Checking in with myself.

    I can get the prescription, but it’s actually taking the medicine that counts.

    Friday, 26 March 2010 @ 1:59am

  584. 584: AliciaNo Gravatar says:

    Hey Kate,

    I think you read that from a news letter I posted from Christian Carter on when or if the guy isn’t calling as much. He basically just reconfirms what Rori says – lean back, not forward.

    (I think you read this:
    In other words, when it comes to men and
    dating, it’s best to look at a man’s ACTIONS
    and BEHAVIORS as the only TRUE INDICATION of
    how they really feel inside.)

    Friday, 26 March 2010 @ 2:02am

  585. 585: heartbeatNo Gravatar says:

    So Circular Dating really is amazing!! I GET it now.

    Thank you xx

    Friday, 26 March 2010 @ 2:06am

  586. 586: AliciaNo Gravatar says:

    Isn’t the whole point that it is about “you”? I don’t think anything I’ve ever read, put the guy ahead of yourself and go em” tiger… Chase away. Some people have to get the wake up call before they even start to look or heal themselves. When you know how to really love yourself, and not base you worth on someone else.. Then it totally feels easy.

    Friday, 26 March 2010 @ 2:10am

  587. 587: AliciaNo Gravatar says:

    Circular Dating is working wonders… and awesome in the honesty department.. and boundaries. :)

    Friday, 26 March 2010 @ 2:13am

  588. 588: heartbeatNo Gravatar says:

    Hey Alicia! I love your posts and thank you for the Inner Bonding link xx

    Friday, 26 March 2010 @ 2:18am

  589. 589: dawnNo Gravatar says:

    Erika Awakening, You are so right on with what you posted. Just say NO ! If we are responsible for our own happiness we are also responsible for our own unhappiness. Its so very simple.

    Friday, 26 March 2010 @ 5:27am

  590. 590: LoriNo Gravatar says:


    I agree 100% with what you wrote about looking at a man’s actions to see how he really feels, and have gone about my circular dating this way, but what do you do if a CD guy TELLS you that it’s the PRESENCE and not ABSENCE of feelings for you that SCARE him and that he has held back in order to take time to process them?

    I woke up to an email from a CD guy claiming this to be the case, and the words he wrote touched me deeply, but they are still words until he backs them up, right? I don’t know what to do with this, expecially because he’s my favorite CD guy. I guess just keep doing what I have been doing and see if he steps up or not.

    I feel confused.

    Friday, 26 March 2010 @ 5:52am

  591. 591: Rori RayeNo Gravatar says:

    Heartbeat, Very, very cool, thank you for this…I’m 100% with you…sort of like dancing – you can study it, know it, understand it, can get massages so your muscles are loose where they were once tight, get your mind and heart straightened out around it – but you still have to practice it in your body to experience it, and then you feel new stuff because you have new experiences. Love, Rori

    Friday, 26 March 2010 @ 9:16am

  592. 592: Rori RayeNo Gravatar says:

    Daria – just wanted to pop in and say how much I appreciate you and love your posts… and how cool you are. Your willingness to let it all hang out here is more than helpful…your passion is “feelable” – and you open up a whole bunch of things for us to look at every single time…about the wrestling – I just think a man who’s a “challenge” – who can stand up to your considerable energy – is just historically exciting for you. I’d love to see you explore “boring” men for a few weeks and report on those experiences (sort of like Meryl Streep and her quiet sculptor husband, Tina Turner and her businessman husband, Barbra Streisand and her James Brolin, Julia Roberts and Danny….these women have found men who support their extraordinariness without having that same star power themselves. Think about what that would be like – a man as wondering, adoring support for you in a quiet, manly way. You get to be the star, not him…I think that’s a different idea for you? – very different from Sandra Bullock and Jesse and Jennifer Aniston and John Mayer…who are interested in men with their OWN star power and excitement…) Love, Rori

    Friday, 26 March 2010 @ 9:31am

  593. 593: heartbeatNo Gravatar says:

    Rori – THANK YOU xx

    Friday, 26 March 2010 @ 11:30am

  594. 594: JeannetteNo Gravatar says:

    What do you do guys if you like a guy and what he represents but you just cannot feel the physical attraction? I am starting to think I am too picky, is there such a thing? I am older and some older men are just not appealing. I mean they start to lean forward (I mean posture!) and that sort of thing. I AM NOT into younger men, so please don’t suggest!

    Friday, 26 March 2010 @ 2:39pm

  595. 595: AliciaNo Gravatar says:

    LOL.. Jeannette – Older men- Lean forward, as in posture.. (That was funny to read) Some guys I worth a second trip around the block.. I would not just cast them out the based on 1 date, but if there is no chemistry, then what can you do? If it’s not there at some point just be honest and say you’re great but, I just feel a friend vibe.. or whatever is your honesty. :)

    Friday, 26 March 2010 @ 2:57pm

  596. 596: AliciaNo Gravatar says:

    Thanks Heartbeat :) It’s cool to see people growing on here.

    Friday, 26 March 2010 @ 2:59pm

  597. 597: JeannetteNo Gravatar says:

    Alicia, I feel shallow for saying that but I seriously was told once that I just am not one to fall in love easily. Sometimes I wish I could!! Things just have to be in place, know what I mean? I have seen two needy guys recently and it’s a big turn off. If I was like that with my ex, I can seriously understand why he took off on me!! Good lesson I guess. I feel very low key tonight. Had a couple of date requests for the week-end but I just don’t feel moved. I could go to a singles party tomorrow eve and don’t even feel moved. Maybe I just need some ME time.

    Friday, 26 March 2010 @ 3:03pm

  598. 598: AliciaNo Gravatar says:


    I guess you can empathize with his feelings and tell him you agree it can feel scary and awesome all at the same time. Whatever you really feel. And allow him to keep pursuing you. I would still let him figure it out and keep dating. He kind of sounds like he might be thinking about asking you to be exclusive. But, either way you’ll know by his actions and as you continue to date, he won’t feel the pressure and “process” whatever he needs to. Sounds like this is getting interesting. Stay in your femimine energy and have fun. 😉

    Friday, 26 March 2010 @ 3:06pm

  599. 599: heartbeatNo Gravatar says:

    I really like Rori’s dance analogy and it got me reflecting on my sport, windsurfing. I’m feeling excited now, it’s such a parallel – windsurfing looks really scary but it’s exhilarating, if you’ve seen pictures of surfers hanging off their sails you’ll know what I mean!

    To really enjoy the experience a siren learns the following:

    Vision – decide and look where you’re aiming for; your course may get altered by a gust or current, but the next lesson is…

    …Balance/responsiveness – attune your body posture to the changes in the wind and water. You can go faster and enjoy the ride if you…

    …Surrender – to the wind: if you do not LEAN BACK the wind will take you over. You can change direction or return any time if you have…

    …Knowledge – the how-to of tacking and gybing, adjusting your rig, sailing directions and safety (tools)

    Friday, 26 March 2010 @ 3:07pm

  600. 600: AliciaNo Gravatar says:

    Well, I’m kinda the same way. Date yourself… put on music, read, bubble bath, dance around the house.. lol..

    I’ve been told the same thing, I just didn’t realize the wall I had up or the masculine energy I was in, even though I look really feminine and have guys flirt with me alot at some point the wall goes up and I realize I was protecting, guarding, giving up myself.. Now, I trust my feelings more and am learning to recieve more.

    Friday, 26 March 2010 @ 3:11pm

  601. 601: AliciaNo Gravatar says:

    Great visual Heartbeat!

    I’ve been parasailing but, I’ve never beem windsurfing.. Sounds awesome!

    Friday, 26 March 2010 @ 3:14pm

  602. 602: heartbeatNo Gravatar says:

    Jeanette – I feel some sympathy for what you wrote – I’m 50 and men vary so much in appearance – and I get men of all ages interested (and I’m interested in men of all ages, lol!) – for me, it comes down to keeping on circular dating and see what happens; some guys I could NEVER have ‘it’ for (and I feel a little shallow saying this, but some guys I feel repelled by based on looks – but then looks can reveal something of character/attitude too, so maybe not so shallow!). I’m attracted to men who take care of their appearance and have a young vibe – I’m not ready for slip-on shoes and grey slacks, comb-overs and a stoop :)

    Friday, 26 March 2010 @ 3:22pm

  603. 603: AliciaNo Gravatar says:

    Letting Go:

    This was in my email – it’s bible based, but serves good message.

    As believers, our spirit takes on new life at the point of salvation. Our minds, however, require continued renewal (2 Corinthians 10:5). Romans 12:2 teaches that we are not to conform to the “behaviors and customs of this world” but to allow the Lord to change us as our minds are renewed in Him. While this Scripture applies to our putting aside the world’s values, we can take on worldly thinking in more ways than one.

    Left to our flesh, our minds will replay the past, especially in regard to our regrets. What “was” becomes “our here-and-now” when we allow our desire for a do-over to dominate. Wanting to keep us from moving forward, the enemy lies by telling us the past is not only unforgettable, it’s unforgivable.

    Thankfully, God’s Word speaks differently. He has forgiven and does not remember our blood-covered sins (Isaiah 43:25). We cannot be defined by what does not exist. Paul had it right—to go forward we must let go of the past (Philippians 3:13). After all, it’s hard to run a race looking back. Though it requires more than hitting the “ok” button on a cell phone, forgetting the past begins by believing it’s possible. Moving forward depends on it. —Regina Franklin, Our Daily Journey

    Friday, 26 March 2010 @ 3:26pm

  604. 604: heartbeatNo Gravatar says:

    Oh wow Alicia – parasailing looks top-dollar!!

    Friday, 26 March 2010 @ 3:26pm

  605. 605: LoriNo Gravatar says:


    Thanks for the reply and your amazing posts.

    It IS getting interesting with him. One of the comments he made that blew me away was that most women he meets seem like they are playing a role and they “hide their true heart” (his EXACT words!!!) and that when I walk into the room it’s as if my heart is just right there, open and in full view. He says he can see the good, the bad and everything in between and it stirs up feelings he hasn’t felt in 20 years…. I nearly cried when I read it.

    The unzippering my heart tool has been the scariest for me to use because it goes against my desire to protect my heart so I don’t get hurt. But I have been using it with EVERYONE. I just visualize it unzippering and prepare myself for people to love me, hate me, hurt me, make me smile, whatever it is they will do to me. The funny thing is, I have found myself getting closer to a wide variety of people. Not just men in a romantic sense, but all kinds of people that I seem to be developing friendships with. I used to be quite a loner, so it has been weird, scary, exciting and fulfilling for me to open myself up this way.

    I guess we’ll see if this CD guy steps up and shows me more than just words.

    Friday, 26 March 2010 @ 4:56pm

  606. 606: AliciaNo Gravatar says:

    This was good to know on men, when they are quiet:

    Men can separate their life from their relationship, andmost men know how to get themselves emotionally charged foreach of these two components on separate occasions. Theydon’t seem to connect them together and view them asseparate areas. If it’s work they have to focus on now,they’ll give their 100%, and concentrate on getting a goodjob done. If it’s a problem they have to think about solvingfor their buddies, they’ll pour their whole heart and soulinto resolving the issue, so much so that other concerns(including love and romance) have to step aside first. Ifit’s love they have to focus on during a particular moment,they’ll also give their 100%, and they can be absolutely romantic!

    For women it’s different. Once she has accepted a guy intoher life, her relationship literally becomes her life! She finds it difficult to separate these two. She’ll have the man of her life in her mind throughout every single minutesof her day! Her thoughts are filled with images of him,during work, during play, in the midst of her meeting duringwork, and even during her leisure time!

    ***** Men usually keep to themselves, unwilling to talk,explain, elaborate further if they don’t want to. But thisdoesn’t mean there is anything wrong with you, and itdefinitely doesn’t mean that he doesn’t love you. He justneed to not talk about anything RIGHT NOW, there and then.If you feel that your guy is responding in an unloving,unromantic and distant way, it’s useful to think that guyshave an inner secret chamber where once in a while they haveto go in for their own retreat, to settle their own issues,to recharge, to live out their own fantasies, or even theirdreams. No one else is allowed inside, not even hisparents.

    A man’s self worth comes from his sense of competence andsuccess in life, not only from his relationship. If a manfeels that he is not doing a good job in the office, has notbeing very helpful to another person, has failed incompleting a task in and outside of the house (whatever itis), he will NOT be loving towards himself, or even you.This is why it is important that you do not jump intoconclusion too quickly in the event that you feel that yourman seems unloving, seems to be neglecting you, or doesn’tseem to care. In short, your assumptions or conclusion couldbe misleading or wrong!

    ****Do not give up your individuality and dignity after you havegone into a relationship. Remember, you do not need to earnhis love for you by giving up who you are. One of the mostimportant, key secret to maintaining a loving and long-lasting relationship with the man of your life is actuallythis: you still respect and love yourself, for who you are!If you respect and love yourself, your man will respect andlove you!

    Friday, 26 March 2010 @ 9:31pm

  607. 607: AliciaNo Gravatar says:

    OMGoodness!!!!!!!!!!!!! A guy from past that I loved is getting married! I got an email..

    I am really happy for him! It’s been years, but it’s still hits you….. like I just got the wind knocked out me! :(

    Well, I did some inner bonding, I think I feel vulnerable.. hmmm But, I do know I am loved. I need a bubble bath.

    Friday, 26 March 2010 @ 9:35pm

  608. 608: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    Hey Alicia, that’s great (606)! Where did that come from?

    Friday, 26 March 2010 @ 9:54pm

  609. 609: AliciaNo Gravatar says:

    Hi Lucy,

    I got it in my personal email. When I was looking for some info on dating, men and ex’s, I found Rori’s book and a bunch of other ones on a website called http://www.womens-homepage.com Anyway, I didn’t get all of the books but, I signed up for a bunch of newsletters. So, If I have an aha moment after reading for a few seconds great and if it’s useful, I’ll try and share and if not I delete them. lol

    Friday, 26 March 2010 @ 11:29pm

  610. 610: KateNo Gravatar says:

    Alicia, Jeanette, Daria, Rori or any of you wonderful women:

    Need your advice again please. I met with my ex-BF this morning for coffee. I expressed to him through an earlier email that I wanted to have an opportunity to share my feelings regarding a project that he and I have experienced in the past few months.

    He seemed to opened to it since I had expressed my anger so eloquently on the phone the other night telling him he was insensitive to my feelings. He was willing to give me the time of day at least.

    I tried so hard to stay in the moment, using feeling messages, telling the truth, tears at some points about some hurtful moments between my son and I, and we ended up talking and sharing for about 4 hours. I slowed down with my words, talking slowly rather than in an intense rapid pace as before. I feel I was much more layed back than in the year past.

    I definitely felt different even though sometimes I felt the “feeling” words were not quite there but just said them to get the practice at some points. I expressed to him I was working on my journey to stop the intensity and to start being open and trusting to other people.

    I really think he was stunned. He even admitted that his ex-wife never had the revelation that I was going through of being willing to admit my insecurities, feelings, paths to feeling good. I believe he sensed I was telling the truth and wanted to be accepting of myself: passion and all.

    At some points, I felt so good with him being open and vulnerable and wanted him so much to kiss me. But I leaned back, did not say anything about getting back together (even though God how much I wanted to) and just wanted to feel connected with him. I even tried to flirt a little without coming on too strong.

    I don’t think if he said we still aren’t going to work I would have been able to hold it together like it was no big deal. I probably would have been crushed.
    He knows that I still have feelings for him. I expressed that when I told him my feelings of being possible jealous if I saw him with other women (thanks Rori).

    I feel if he was totally uncomfortable he would have left. But instead he stayed, we talked, and he allowed me to open to him without judging me. He did state that I was beautiful and inspiring to him even though I may not recognize it right now.

    He is going to help me with a project that I need his expert advice. I want to continue to be open and flirty with him since I feel he is so good for me. Maybe he is one of the clueless or good guys combined. I don’t want to plead or try and convince him that we should try again but just hoping that he is willing.

    In two months, his last daughter who is 18 will be moving out of his house and he will have more free time. I want so much to stay in his life and want him to feel good with me not just on a professional level. I just listened to Phyllis Chase who talked about the POP (Purpose on Planet). I know I have alot of work to do to fulfill this to make myself more confident in my abilities and hopefully he will recognize the happiness I have found within me when that happens.

    I have been online at Yahoo Personals, E-Hamony and have gone out with one very nice man (no chemistry I’m afraid) and I just don’t sense it with anyone except for my ex. I don’t want to screw this up again! He was my rock, my supporter, and I had an opportunity to talk to him and share my feelings today of frustration that we weren’t growing as a couple.

    He admitted that my intensity or being so busy all the time (always had a thousand things to do) and not slowing down was our deal breaker. Everything was good and now he sees me as slowing down, trying to focus more on what is important.

    How do I change this back into a loving, romantic relationship once again? Please give me any advice that you can share. Thank you for giving me the opportunity to let it out.

    Sunday, 28 March 2010 @ 8:49pm

  611. 611: AliciaNo Gravatar says:

    Start with dating guys you are NOT sexually attracted too! :)


    Wow!! I am so impressed what a huge baby step! :)

    I think the only way to change anything is to accept the fact that you can’t change anything.. lol. EXCEPT for YOU! The more you work on you and remember not to over function, in fact on this project I would let him reach out to you, when he is ready to help. I’m sure he will text or call. And if you need to reschedule that is okay. (try not get into a habit of calling him and setting up times and things) This is a chance for you to give him the opportunity to shine his masculinty and “give”. So you just work on “receiving” …. I am noticing a common thread in several books I have been reading, my John Gray book called Starting Over and with Rori and my counseling book – in regards “circular” dating, John Gray says that sometimes women carry a big list as a way to test men, and also push love away, he also says that if we are not getting asked out we are pushing something away, his point is also that because of women feeling sexual pressure with dating these days it is very very healthy to start out dating guys you are NOT sexually attracted too. That we also just dont have to date guys with feel “instant” chemistry for. It is healthy to date the so called boring or intentionally guys you are not sexually attracted too becuase this gets you into the mode of recieveing – buliding up you femimine energy with the ability to exchange friendship, honesty, and openess.. So even if it just one or two dates to start out dating guys like this on purpose. Rori says this along the same lines as going out with these guys as well.. this eventually heals the part of us that may be attacted to toxic men becuase we now know how to receive and express ourselves. In my counseling book it takes about phobias and some of this is triggered in the present but caused from childhood, maybe a parent left or there was abuse, so example: people my fear love or relationships but, lets look at for example people who fear elevators, well step one is to push the button, stand inside for a second and then get off, step two is stand in it for a second, let the door shut, but push the button to open, step three is ride up one floore, steo four is ride up two floors and so on and so fourth. SO I say that because I could easily relate it to dating… being attracted to guys that may or may not be good for us. An abused women I know said at first her second husband she thought was sooooo boring at first but she knew he was in her life for a reason. Now she can’t imagine not being with him. You very well may get back together with your ex. But, like Rori says circular dating heals any issues with men directly and quickly, your feelings come up faster. I would continue to circular date until you are asked for a exclusive relationship and I would make a point to date guys you are NOT sexually attracted too and may even be boring to start of with.

    I’m doing that this week and next month… on purpose. I didn’t realize I was avoiding this in a way but now I understand why it’s so important.

    Good luck!!! :)

    Monday, 29 March 2010 @ 9:54am

  612. 612: AliciaNo Gravatar says:

    Plus Kate the more you circular date and heal those certain feelings in you and can recieve this will better inable you to be healthier for you ex or him you.. if that is how it turn out. I think circular dating is your best way to really get what you want and can only assist you in huge ways regarding your ex. :)

    Keep dating the boring or not sexually attracted too for now, and then see what happen just try it over the next month.. and let’s see. I am taking my own advice on this one. lol

    Monday, 29 March 2010 @ 10:04am

  613. 613: KateNo Gravatar says:

    Alicia, Thanks for the input. Would you please clarify what you mean by “healing certain feelings”? What feelings would that be? Does that mean to fall out of love with my ex?
    If I dating boring men, then how is that going to come closer to truly good men that I would like to date? Right now, I have been on Yahoo Personals but it seems to stop after an inital conversation. Alot of them want to go right to a private email or chat and get off of the Personals line which I do not feel comfortable with.
    I will step back at this point from my ex. I did email him this morning with a quick question and also thanked him for spending time with me yesterday and supporting my goals. He responded with a quick email of my question but did not comment on the thank you statement that I made. He is wanting for me to do some research on my end and then I am to respond to him on my results. Should I just keep it brief, to the point, without any nice friendly comments? Thanks.

    Monday, 29 March 2010 @ 12:21pm

  614. 614: AliciaNo Gravatar says:

    Rori – or all ladies: Can someone please explain why circular dating works and it’s healing?

    I think Rori said it heals the issues with men directly.

    Have you read Rori’s book? It sounds like you are doing the feeling thing which is good. But still leaning forward. I can’t explain all the details of why it works but I have seen this in several books. A date is just a date women put sooo much on what if this or that.. Dang people get out there, no one is falling in or out of love over a hot meal… lol

    Kate look around the blog I think there is more info in the other topics on the side bar.. And I will post some thing about getting an ex back… BUT, Obsereve how you are STILL contacting him… You want him to pursue you.

    Monday, 29 March 2010 @ 3:08pm

  615. 615: AliciaNo Gravatar says:

    The Ex

    What should I do if my boyfriend/ girlfriend tells me they needspace?

    Now before I answer this question, I’ll let you in on what 99% of people will IMMEDIATELY do when their partner drops the bomb… They’ll probe them with questions asking why they feel this way… They’ll try and logically convince them why they should staytogether… They’ll get angry and say things they’ll TOTALLY regret the nextday… They’ll beg and plead for them to change their mind… And basically do everything under the sun to KILL their chances ofkeeping the relationship alive.

    All the behaviors I’ve just listed are usually AUTOMATIC responsesthey fire out without rationally thinking. The way in which youreact to the “I need some space” news, as completelycounter-productive as it is, is is an auto-pilot response by your mind.

    Let me explain further… When you get cold, your body automatically makes your body shiverin order to warm you up. When you get hot, your body producessweat in order to cool you down. This all occurs outside of anyconscious thought… In a similar fashion, when an ex tells you “they need space”, yourmind fires a “defense” plan to your breakup in the best way itknows how… By probing, convincing, begging, and pleading. The crazy part is that this “defense place” completely hurts yourchances of getting back with your ex.

    Ironically, the absolute BEST way to handle this situation isactually VERY counter-intuitive…

    The first move you should make when your ex tells you the bad newsis this… –

    Agree with the break up.-

    Be appreciative of your ex getting it out in the open.-

    Smile, be EXTREMELY positive, and leave on a good note.

    This does a few things… The first is it takes away all the power your ex has over you.

    See in most cases, the “dumper” in a breakup has all the cards in theirfavor. They call the shots and thus, they have the power. When you agree with the breakup, it levels the playing field a littletowards your favor.

    This is the foundation we need in order tore-attract them later on. (note – if you broke ALL the rules I’vejust laid out, don’t worry, there is a contingency plan for EVERYscenario in the book)

    It also shows them that you aren’t as needy and desperate as theythought you were. This is especially true when you show themappreciation for even bringing up this touchy subject in the firstplace.

    See all humans have a few basic similarities… One of which isthis: we all want what we can’t have. If you beg, plead, probe,and are needy, you are basically offering yourself on a silverplatter to your ex. Big turnoff…

    When you agree with the breakup and show appreciation for it, thisshows your ex that you aren’t completely dependent on them, will be okay without them, and if anything will probably do better. BigTURN ON…

    Now the tables start to turn and you’re where you need to be inorder to re-attract your ex.

    Monday, 29 March 2010 @ 3:13pm

  616. 616: AliciaNo Gravatar says:

    These are tips about the EX Back… #3 is really more about just dating.

    Kate if he has not asked to get back together with you let him come to that on his own.. You did great with the new more feeling you.. Now let him be THE MAN and pursue you. It only works as a clean slate.. Remeber the 1st time you met?? Would have been calling and emailing? This is his job.. It’s ok if he needs space but, he will hunt you down when he is ready..

    Tip #1. Debating Your Way Back Into Love Won’t Work I hate to break it to you, but you can’t logically win your exback. Love is about feelings and emotions and NOT about logic. Even if you come up with the most convincing reasons why the two ofyou should still be together, it won’t register with your ex. Inorder to get your ex back into your arms, they have to bere-attracted to you. In The Ex Back, we have potenttechniques to get your ex thinking of you in the same light way backwhen the two of you first fell for each other.

    TIp #2. Don’t Be Needy Have you ever heard of the phrase “the hungry dog doesn’t get fed?”Well this is essentially the reason why so many people have a hardtime getting their ex back. When it comes to attracting theopposite sex (and especially in re-attracting your ex), the personwho has the most options and who cares the least usually will havethe balance of power shifted to their favor. When you pour allyour feelings on the table and BEG your ex to take you back, youare literally pushing them further away from you. This is a verycounter-intuitive concept, but the harder you “try” to get your exback, the worse your chances are of succeeding. The Ex BackFormula is so powerful because the tactics explained in the bookare EXTREMELY subtle, yet at the same time VERY potent.

    Tip #3. CD/ Rebound Fling Rebound flings or (((I better prefer circular dating))) (even yourself) are normally risky business so proceed with caution. But if you can find another mate to take your mind off your ex fora short period of time, you’ll be in a MUCH better position to getyour ex back. Why is this? Because what normally goes on after abreakup is the person who wants their ex back tends tends to OBSESSover their ex. Their heads are jam packed with thoughts abouttheir ex and the result of this is coming off as extremelydesperate when you’re around your ex. The best way to get aroundthis is to find a rebound fling that can take your mind away fromyour ex for a bit of time, in order to get your head back onstraight. That way, once you go back and talk to your ex, youwon’t be coming from a position of neediness.

    Tip #4. Stay Away From The Booze. I know for some of you, Jack Daniels and Jose Cuervo are the 2people that you turn to for comfort at times like these, but stayaway! Drinking causes one to drunk dial and drunk dialing leads towell… saying things we regret the next morning. If you’re exdoesn’t pick up the phone, we tend to call again… and again…and yet again after that. Now how attractive is it to your exwhen they heard 7 drunken messages from you on their voicemail?

    Tip #5. Work On Yourself This piece of advice is on every “Get Your Ex Back” book on theplanet, but I’m going to say it anyway. After a breakup, in orderto get yourself back on your feet and in a better position tore-attract your ex, invest some time and energy on working onyourself. Instead of thinking of reasons why the two of you shouldbe back together, make yourself more attractive to them byimproving yourself.

    Monday, 29 March 2010 @ 3:20pm

  617. 617: AliciaNo Gravatar says:

    When and why men Withdraw – from C.Carter

    (Just helps to keep our eyes open and remember to not stop giving up dates or turn into the “convincer”, CDate until a man is taking you off the market, feel and speak feelings. Be educated on men, and check yourself when being pulled into masuline energy.. stay in the feminine and bring out the best in him) Even if he is pulling back.

    Just like a man, when a woman FEELS that
    intense physical AND emotional connection with
    a man… she’s often carried away by it.

    And when this happens, something fascinating
    takes place inside the minds and bodies of most

    They start to believe that the CONNECTION
    they feel with a man is in and of itself PROOF
    that this is a “special” situation that is going
    to become a deeper relationship… and that the
    man must be sharing these same feelings.

    When the truth is that, to a man, the
    CONNECTION that they feel with a woman early on
    can have nothing to do with whether or not they
    want a RELATIONSHIP with a woman.

    A man who DOESN’T yet feel like he wants a
    relationship with a woman can do the following:

    -Call a woman, spend time with her, and get
    physically and sexually involved with her

    -Compliment her, tell her she’s beautiful,
    and buy her gifts or bring her flowers

    -Spend time with her over a period of weeks or
    months and still think of things as “casually
    dating” with no commitment or “relationship”

    What I’m getting at here is that there’s
    a DANGER in “dating” if you don’t understand
    how men think and behave when it comes to dating
    and what constitutes a “relationship” to a man.

    I call this “The Danger Of A Connection.”

    It’s because of the connection that you
    feel with a man, you mistakenly believe and
    start acting as though he’s interested in a
    more serious relationship, when he’s not there
    yet in his mind.

    (By the way – this is one of the quickest
    ways to make a man PULL AWAY and kill the
    ATTRACTION he might have been feeling for you
    and stop what you had growing between you dead
    in it’s tracks.)

    I can’t tell you how many women meet a great
    guy, feel that spark, spend time with a man and
    share affection… and then totally MISUNDERSTAND
    his desire for a relationship because they become
    convinced that he must share the same feelings
    they have.

    And this is the number one complaint I hear
    from great women – that they meet a great guy,
    hit it off, they get close and intimate, and then
    the guy backs off and they think-

    “Argggh! Why do I always pick these same
    loser commitment-phobes!?!”

    If you’re reading this right now and thinking,
    “I can TOTALLY relate to this”… I want to help
    you quickly turn things around.

    Monday, 29 March 2010 @ 3:29pm

  618. 618: AliciaNo Gravatar says:

    Or someone BETTER!! That was just in article to help, As there is no amount of hoplessness and victim that the ex or any man in general will be ATTRACTED TOO! BEST BET IS to get out there and live your life. Stop depending on him to make you, YOU!

    Monday, 29 March 2010 @ 3:34pm

  619. 619: KateNo Gravatar says:

    Alicia, thank you for all of your advice. You know, I am going to be brutally honest here…go with my feelings at this point – this totally sucks. I hate dating.

    I just want to meet someone who I can fall in love with, be sexually attracted to, and who is a good person. LOL. Isn’t that what we all want?!!

    God, why the hell am I still single then? Should I just take the first guy who shows interest, and even though he is a puppy dog, go ahead and get married? At least I think he may be honest about his feelings.

    Why do I still lean forward? Just because I am still contacting him to help with my company website – is this considered leaning forward?!! I feel I will never find the right person with all the duds I am meeting out there. Are they all taken or dead or gay or married or refuse to post their pic online? Dang!

    I just read your “Danger in Dating”. Holy xxx! That was my relationship right out of the book. The unfortunate thing is: I thought that’s the way its supposed to happen and the nice things he was doing for me (cooking dinners, flowers, spending time with me) was because we were GF/BF and in a relationship!

    I had tremendous feelings for him, including sexual & passionate, and now you are telling me it didn’t mean crap! How am I supposed to know the difference? How do I know that everything you and I described wasn’t real according to your “Danger in Dating”?

    Please don’t get me wrong – I am not mad at you. I just feel so frustrated right now of not knowing whether I ever will meet someone who will simply love me and I can love them back.

    Was he just enjoying the companionship and the sex until something better came along? I am working so hard on putting the walls down, letting my feelings come in, not being intense or try and convince him of anything….but now I don’t know if its a complete waste of time.

    I am trying to work on myself and how I deal with relationships and to have my POP as well.

    I want to be vulnerable, honest, open, etc. but I want to be on the same page as he is or any guy I might have feelings for. How do I do this? I don’t want to get hurt all over again. I am too old (48) for this; can’t I ever learn?

    Does anyone understand my frustrations and get what I am asking? Rori & Alicia – please help.

    Monday, 29 March 2010 @ 9:10pm

  620. 620: AliciaNo Gravatar says:

    Hi Kate –

    On the Why Men Withdraw…. C.Carter is saying that the “danger in dating connection” is when you are “”DATING”.. (I think your realtionship was and you’ll know when your realtionship in the future is PAST that” (just dating phase)

    I wanted to add that becuase so many men do that withdraw, and this is the same thing I have read in Mars and Venus on a date – uncertainty phase. A mans attention and attraction does not always mean he wants a realtionship. The reason for the post is, SO WE ARE AWARE & LESS CONFUSED and do things different when this happens, for me that means dating until my ex says, I want to be with you exclusive or another right guy takes me aside and says I’m ready… and I agree:)

    Too often too many girls, women of all ages get caught in this and cross their fingers for the best or spend the check before the deposit has been made.. (meaning a spoken ..not assumed commitment) And we get hurt and then think we are expected to get the relationship back on course.. That’s is not what helps..

    Anyway, I wanted to put that because, I like your progress but, has he talked about getting back together? Not yet.. So play your cards smart, be honest, dont lean forward and keep dating..

    I read your post and noticed,
    Last week you called him to “talk about your group ”
    This week you called him to meet and “talked to him
    about your growth and feelings” and Today you email him about “work”.. I think you did great however…
    Please allow me to be your cross guard and point you to the STOP SIGN.. :)

    Do you want him as a friend or a boyfriend?? Does he really need to help you with this work thing, you know no one else except him??

    It’s your deal… so if you want something different do something different. But let him be the man! He has your number, email, and address he CAN find you TRUST ME!!

    The best advice I can offer is educate yourself on men and don’t just stop here. I get newsletters, read books, plus self growth. Please read the Men are from mars, (so you can understand the rubber band theory and how you are preventing him from springing forward) Then keep going, also look at http://www.innerbonding.com and google is my favorite tool of all.. I look up, get the ex back, create attraction, growth and healing.. etc etc…. There is free info tons of it. It also led me to this.. lol

    p.s. I know the dating thing suck kind of, last week I said the same thing but, I’m starting to have fun with it, and now I don’t even know if I want the ex back. LOL How is that for energy shift? Exactly the attitude that will draw him back. haha

    And it’s true honest feeling, I’m stunned that I could even be unsure about him but, I am :)

    And I started by responding to guys I was not normally into on the computer.. It really does help. God is no fool! The person he has for you, YOU will be in the future or now totally ATTRACTED too. Don’t by the lie that he will set you up with some goof ball, I used to be scared of that. haha It’s not true.. There is a lover for your soul..

    If I have to humour a few duds and say thanks for a wonderful time, I bet we make great friends.. (and reject them a little, this helps heal my own huge rejection I felt as a child) Get it? There is a deeper reason they suggest it. What are you goals?

    Work on YOU, (feel , heal, deal)
    Educate yourself on men
    Date (at least chat with guys on the computer)
    Check you feminine energy and notice when you are going into masculine energy ( Also work is when we are supposed to go into masculine energy, so I would take him out of that)

    You know better then I, Just be honest with yourself about why you want him to help. Even if he is great… I feel it might be counter productive in the long run..

    YOU ARE IN THE TOWER PRINCESS.. LET HIM BE THE HERO AND SLAY THE DRAGON TO BE WITH YOU.. If you keep saying stop…. oh wait one more thing, I need you clean the pond first, Or how do you feel about gray for castle brick? Or Maybe slay the dragon with a bow & arrow instead.. You are preventing him from feeling the way he needs to feel to be with you and be a hero…. He is man he knows how to get to you! Not hearing from him does not mean he forgot you and he does not to be reminded you are still there.. He will come to his senses..

    Keep growing!

    Monday, 29 March 2010 @ 10:17pm

  621. 621: KateNo Gravatar says:

    Alicia. Thanks for being my crossing guard. I got it. No more contact. I did not realize that those conversations were leaning forward. He offered to help me with my website and sent me some links. If he calls to say why I haven’t followed up; should I lie and tell him I found someone else to help me?

    Great advice. I am going to order Rori’s book, the Relationship you want, Why Men Love Bitches, and the Men Mars book.

    It starts with healing and reading everyone’s blog.

    Thanks again!

    Monday, 29 March 2010 @ 10:44pm

  622. 622: AliciaNo Gravatar says:


    Oh no no I would not lie at all…

    I would say how much you appreciate his help and you are grateful for his support.. and leave it at that.

    The more you learn the better you’ll feel. I just think layering the info helps. Once you get into it, you wont stop.. We all stumble.. I wish someone would have made me hand over or erase my guys email out of my head.. I soo soo put us in friend zone.. Now I finally have one leg out from that hole.. I didn’t realize what a good position I was in, when we first stopped talking. But, your doing great and I know he is probably curious about the new you emerging… So keep growing :) :)

    Tuesday, 30 March 2010 @ 12:05am

  623. 623: mackenzieNo Gravatar says:

    Alicia, just wanted to say that you are UNBELIEVABLE! I don’t have bunches to say but I’m going through some stuff RIGHT NOW and the timing of your unbelievably good posts are making a difference in MY life. Thank you :-)

    Tuesday, 30 March 2010 @ 5:05am

  624. 624: SienaNo Gravatar says:


    I LOVE the imagery of the man slaying his dragons! I actually think this is more true than many of us realize! His dragons are his fears, his work problems… all the things that he needs to overcome before he can come find his princess.

    And then Tinque or Orna or some other wise siren said this recently (I keep it on a post-it on my computer): “Your place is to keep doing what you are doing for yourself. Yes, healing your inner self will attract the relationship you want or inspire the one who is already there to heal, IF he wants that for himself and has the courage to do so.”

    These 2 things: 1) realizing that his dragons are HIS to slay, and he doesn’t need my help and 2) that I can be busy doing my own thing, healing, growing, becoming more beautiful and feminine, etc… have been the “magic sauce” for me as I move away from a breakup and toward healing and wholeness.

    And it FEELS amazing – down to my bones!

    :-) Siena

    Tuesday, 30 March 2010 @ 9:01am

  625. 625: GoodheartNo Gravatar says:

    Can I get some opinions on this? I received an email on a dating site from a guy that said, “You are the perfect woman.” I was all flattered & took a look at his profile. He seemed decent & I was interested until I got to the age requirement he put for his dates. 18-30. This guy is in his 40’s! It totally turned me off. I feel like he’s a dirty old man! Looking for an 18 year old? I mean come on. That’s my niece. I felt a huge yuck. Am I overreacting? Does anyone else feel this way? And why did he bother to even look at my profile if he’s wanting to take someone out in a stroller? This was my reply to him: Thank you, but it looks like you’re looking for someone quite a bit younger…?

    Tuesday, 30 March 2010 @ 9:24am

  626. 626: tinqueNo Gravatar says:

    Siena – Yay you!!!
    Yes those do look like my words; thank you. I’m thrilled they help. Feels good to know you feel better all the time. Again, yay you!!!

    Tuesday, 30 March 2010 @ 9:30am

  627. 627: tinqueNo Gravatar says:

    Goodheart – NO you are not overreacting. Huge turn off. BIG YUCK. EWWWWW.
    I have choicer words in mind, but I’ll leave it at that.
    Who cares why he contacted you, maybe better not to know. You did the right thing.

    Tuesday, 30 March 2010 @ 9:33am

  628. 628: GoodheartNo Gravatar says:

    Thanks Tinque. I had choicer words too, but I’m practicing being softer. I have the blunt thing down :-) Oh well, just sucks that the one guy who seemed decent out of 2 pages of winks & emails turns out to be a perv.

    Ok Universe, nuff kiddin’ around. I’m ready for the right one now :-)

    Tuesday, 30 March 2010 @ 9:56am

  629. 629: SienaNo Gravatar says:

    Aw shucks, Tinque, thank you! Your words have helped me tremendously, you have no idea! If I could hug you I would!!


    Tuesday, 30 March 2010 @ 10:51am

  630. 630: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    Goodheart – “Ok Universe, nuff kiddin’ around. I’m ready for the right one now :-)”

    Lol. Love it! Me too.


    Tuesday, 30 March 2010 @ 11:00am

  631. 631: SienaNo Gravatar says:

    Ok sirens, I have a question.

    Was texting last night with one of my CD guys. He’s been calling me and I’ve been genuinely busy and so not picking up the calls. And since he doesn’t leave messages, I feel no need to call him back.

    So last night, late, he texted me and asked if he could call me. I said no, I’m feeling really sleepy but it would feel great to speak with you another time. I wasn’t playing a game – I had literally been on the go for about 15 hours at that point.

    So via text he started to tell me how frustrated he was getting that I’m not available to him. (I feel a little sinister because it actually felt good to hear that he is frustrated…) anyway, at certain points it seemed like he was trying to bait me into an argument, which I didn’t want to do.

    So, instead of arguing, I would just respond to his texts with “OK”.

    My question: Is there a better way, or is OK… ok?

    For example:

    him: “timing is off”
    me (after searching my feelings and coming up ambivalent): “ok”

    him: “it’s just the fact that we are kind of in limbo you know? in terms of getting to know eachother.”

    Me “Ok, I understand”

    And more of the same. In the past, I might have made a suggestion of how we could ‘fix’ this, but I won’t be doing that anymore with any man.

    I did use Rori’s line, “hmmm, I don’t feel all that busy, but my days are definitely full. I just need to know ahead of time” (in regards to when I will talk to him).

    I’m in “feeling messages” school (haha) and so would love some feedback of whether I’m doing this right.

    Thank you!


    Tuesday, 30 March 2010 @ 11:17am

  632. 632: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    Siena, when you searched your feelings and found you felt ambivalent, that probably means there were two or more different feelings in there (possibly even contradictory) – so, you could tell him both feelings, whatever they were — for example, “I feel a little frustrated, too. And I feel bored.”


    Tuesday, 30 March 2010 @ 11:25am

  633. 633: SienaNo Gravatar says:

    oh wait, I wasn’t feeling ambivalent, I was feeling indifferent. I always misuse that word!!

    Tuesday, 30 March 2010 @ 11:29am

  634. 634: AliciaNo Gravatar says:


    I know for me.. Sometimes I fee better when I see the word “okay” spelled out.. it just sounds less short then (ok).. Especially since tone in text is easily misread.. When my boss responded to me one time.. and wrote … It’s okay, feel better. I thought her tone was so nice versus just saying.. ok.

    Just a thought

    Tuesday, 30 March 2010 @ 11:35am

  635. 635: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    Haha, then say “I feel indifferent.” THAT ought to get the ball rolling! (one way or the other!) Lol.

    Tuesday, 30 March 2010 @ 11:35am

  636. 636: GoodheartNo Gravatar says:

    Siena, I have a tough time with this stuff too. I’ll feel very ambivalent, or disinterested, or just plain bored. So I actually make myself unavaible to him. I’ve done so often, but I just usually ignore them until they go away lol! Now I realize that’s not very nice or productive. I like Lucy’s idea, just say exactly what you feel (in a kind way). That is what I’m really working on. I try so hard to be nice & I’m really, really sensitive to other people’s feelings so a lot of times I think I make things worse. Saying, “I’m feeling unsure” or “I feel a bit uninterested & not sure why” is something I might say & truthfully, I don’t know if these would be good. I would still worry I’m hurting his feelings! But it’s definitely honest.

    Tuesday, 30 March 2010 @ 11:40am

  637. 637: SienaNo Gravatar says:

    ohhh, I like that Alicia! Reading “okay” feels so much better (and more feminine) than reading “OK”, which is why I think I was questioning myself. I’ll definitely start spelling it that way!

    LOL, thanks Lucy – saying “I feel indifferent” is really obvious, isn’t it? Silly me!

    Sometimes I feel like feeling messages are a whole new language. And it’s sometimes really difficult to come up with the words that express my feelings. And then when I do touch on a feeling (like indifference), I guess I don’t say it because of the old programming.

    …which is why CD is so great (regardless of whether I like it or not)… because it’s really good practice.

    Thanks ladies!

    :-) Siena

    Tuesday, 30 March 2010 @ 11:45am

  638. 638: SienaNo Gravatar says:

    Oh Goodheart, you and I are very similar! I have been so worried about “hurting his feelings” that I squashed my own!

    It’s so tough to leave that mindset of “how will this person feel about my feelings” behind. It’s literally ingrained in me to think that way!

    Baby steps.

    :-) Siena

    Tuesday, 30 March 2010 @ 11:52am

  639. 639: AliciaNo Gravatar says:


    I think youe response to that guy was great.. I just turned 33 and felt pressure to “lie or shave a couple years” off my age, because I look younger and some guys are just not with the times. I think it’s old school to be so judemental about a womes age. Women today in this decade look so much younger. Look at Hedi Klum, Jennifer Anniston and the cover of sport illustrated swimsuite last year was in her mid 30’s and so are the 1/2 of the victoria secret models.. Also when I watch Millionaire Matchmaker and some not all of the guys are so small minded.. BUT…. When it’s how you take care of you, and when they see a beautiful women and their eyebrows raise… That’s it. So I decided to just own it and be the new face of my age group. Their are alot of women who and men who lie about their age, well, if we look good and we all say we are younger then we are helping keep people stay in the old mindset.

    I saw a guy friend I went to school with and he is 32 and had 28 on his profile. I said, I thouht about that but, I decided to have “honest” dating karma.. lol
    He said, I like em younger..If I like them I tell them. (Really what is younger these days? ) This is why I feel pressure. I said goodluck and p.s. some girls like older guys and let me remind you how many models are older.. lol

    Sorry, I just felt triggered becuase I had a guy literally 5 minutes ago say.. I can get kind of crazy, Can you handle a guy me? I said…. Handle your maturity?? Or something else? I can probably handle it better then someone your own age but, I haven’t met you yet. How old are you?

    He is 28.. My last boyfriend was 29. Seriously? Why is he asking me this? So, I playfully said look.. I love my age, I have more personality now then ever and I look and feel great. He goes on to say… how his last girlfriend was 35 and he just connects so much better with older women… So alright, then why even if ask if I can handle it? lol.

    Guys are just sexual right out of the gate even in text. Good for testing my boundries I suppose. I just turn the conversation to the speed I’m comfortable with.

    Tuesday, 30 March 2010 @ 12:04pm

  640. 640: AliciaNo Gravatar says:

    Opps I meant #639 or the above in response to what I read from Goodheart

    Tuesday, 30 March 2010 @ 12:09pm

  641. 641: AliciaNo Gravatar says:

    Here is another feeling..

    “Something just doesn’t feel right” :) “Wish I could put my finger on it.. but, let me think about it.”

    Tuesday, 30 March 2010 @ 12:11pm

  642. 642: GoodheartNo Gravatar says:

    Yes, Siena, & when we squash our own feelings we aren’t being authentic & the guy just gets confused.

    And at least you said “ok” and not just “k”! :-) I get that one a lot. We’ve become an abbreviated society :-)

    Tuesday, 30 March 2010 @ 12:27pm

  643. 643: AliciaNo Gravatar says:


    Awe thanks.. :)

    I hear ya.. Aren’t we all going thru stuff? Especially with men. Lol

    There is a ton of info out there on the web… I get alot of newsletters and when I have aha moments, I figure others will too. lol

    Tuesday, 30 March 2010 @ 12:49pm

  644. 644: CindyNo Gravatar says:

    I couldn’t sum up the way I feel any better than rock bottom and road kill. I am still struggling in my relationship with my LI. We have been together for a year and 7 months and our relationship seems to have gone nowhere. He seems to also be quite toxic as he is an angry man and I seem to be his target. Regardless of that we seem to just keep getting back together but there is no joy and I feel there is no future. I have started on some dating sites just so I don’t have to spend weekends alone. I did something terrible on Friday….after dinner I escaped without saying good-bye because this really icky guy was going to try stuff with me if he walked me back to my car. I know now I was supposed to just be honest and tell him there was no attraction. The scary thing is I am not really attracted to anyone but my LI at the moment and seem like my life is completely paralyzed because of it. I simply can’t imagine loving anyone else or being treated well by a man. I have no desire to go out with any of them….but I guess I must drag myself out on these dates as if I were roadkill. UGH

    Tuesday, 30 March 2010 @ 7:26pm

  645. 645: SienaNo Gravatar says:

    I am recovering from a belly-laughing bout. Just picked up this email from online dating man. Completely unedited. LOL!:

    “Have you been married, if so for how long and do you have children? Do you have any brothers or sisters? Does your family live close to you? Do you have any pets? What faith are you? What do you feel are the important parts of life? What type of cultural things do you enjoy doing? Do you enjoy working or being outdoors? Do you enjoy cooking? How do you feel about living on a working farm? Where have you traveled already? What specific places of the world would you like to see first? Do you like cruises? Looking forward to hearing back from you.”

    Oh, the adventures of online dating!!! LOL!!


    Tuesday, 30 March 2010 @ 7:32pm

  646. 646: SienaNo Gravatar says:

    Cindy, just wanted to say that I hear you. I understand, believe me! This is not easy. It feels awful sometimes for sure… Don’t forget to take care of yourself! Manicures, pedicures, massages, flowers, scented candles – all the things that make you FEEL good!

    With love,


    Tuesday, 30 March 2010 @ 7:35pm

  647. 647: KateNo Gravatar says:

    Hi Alicia and Ladies:

    I don’t what’s wrong with me to really not be able to see why I can’t seem to get my ex out of my head, stop feeling guilty of all of the bad behavior that I am responsible for: rowing the boat, pushing, using logic, trying to help him when he did not ask for it, etc.

    I think these things made be intense and frentic and coming from a place of neediness. I know he wants me to pursue my passions and feels I would be great at them! It’s too bad that I don’t have him in my corner anymore to lead me on.

    I feel sad that now that I know what I was doing incorrectly, I want to be able to show him that I have changed so we can have a better relationship. But now he’s gone and I have to focus on myself.

    Its just so hard.

    I am online dating but NO ONE has stood out to say to myself “I would like to get to know him better”. I just feel numb, tired, and unmotivated. I also feel stupid that I allowed myself to think that if I dated while I was with him; that I was cheating on him. Although I did consider it, I never told him that I wanted to or even did since he wasn’t.

    Maybe that wou