“Hi, I just want to ask about a similar situation. I’m only 20. My boyfriend and I have been together for over a year and half and the last time we had sex was… probably a month ago. Both of us love each other, and we live together (and have done since about 9 months ago), well we have separate bedrooms and live with three other boys. We are moving into a flat on our own with two bedrooms (because I was unhappy sharing a bedroom completely) in a couple of months.
We are happy together most of the time, he is very affectionate lots of hugs, kisses, feeling my boobs and bum lots, talks to me lots through phone calls and texts. We have problems with two things.
The first is him needing space which we’ve mostly managed to sort and are well on the way to making fine, as he has now learned to actually tell me when he needs space and I appreciate that honesty because we do spend a lot of time together in his room – which he says should be solved next year when we have our own flat and a different rooms we can spend time together in, so if we need a little space we can go to a different room to surf the net (the bedroom) or to watch telly (the living room).
Just now it seems that I can sense when he wants space but he denies it, then eventually admits to it (tonight he said that he’d rather go on the walk alone as he wanted some space), and so encourage this honesty and give him his space. This helps me to know that the space is not needed because I did something wrong, that it is because he just needs space.
And now I can use this time to do some coursework and relax. Although this evenings walk irritates me slightly because I have spent the whole weekend with my mother as she was visiting only sleeping in his room at night (as she was in my room), and yesterday he went hillwalking all day with his friend. Hopefully he will let me know what caused this need for space at some point soon.
The other problem, is sex. Hence this post. Like I mentioned he’s very caring and does everything other than anything related to his penis. I used to try to entice him when we were lying in bed by playing with it and it would get hard (therefor he was aroused) but he would not want to do anything. I have now, after much deliberation decided to just try coping without sex until we can talk about this (it’s talking about it that’s difficult).
Any other time I’ve tried talking to him he will tell me he has a low libido and just does not need sex. And I’ve started not even encouraging it when he does get hard for fear of rejection. I also don’t like the thought that we can only have sex when HE wants to… what about my needs, and how can I get him to want to have sex with me. I please myself when I get too turned on.
But it makes me feel ugly when my boyfriend doesn’t want to have sex with me. Even after he gives me signs, and tells me, of how attracted he is to me (he loves it when I’m naked and hugs/passionately kisses me and fondles me. He makes me feel good that way).
There was one time he was playing video games and I was feeling frisky so offered a FREE blowjob (if there is such a thing)… and yet I was stilled turned down, even though all he was doing was playing games.
We can both be busy or tired when it comes to bed time, but all we really do is I lie on his bed and watch whatever is on the telly while he sits at his computer and “stumbles” on the internet… He will give me attention and I don’t feel totally neglected, except for in the intercourse department.
I don’t believe he is gay, and understand that sex isn’t everything. I just wish I understood why he only gets horny every now and then and it seems to be random. I used to have a high sex drive which has died a little, although I can turn myself on quite easily.
When we do have sex it is AMAZING! And that is the other part of the reason I want to have it more. I have tried putting on sexy lingerie and all sorts. But to me it just seems he’s more interested in videogames/movies/tv/books, than in actual sex.
I don’t want it to be an issue, but it’s the only thing stopping me seeing a life with him, because I don’t know if I can cope without sex. I don’t plan on breaking up with him over it.
I was just wondering if there is anything I can do to encourage sex, or even to have a conversation with him about my needs for sex. I’ve read of other females getting their men to have sex with them even when THEY don’t want it, and I feel my man should want to do this for me. Please help me find a way of asking for sex without sounding desperate or unappreciative or non-understanding of his low libido.
Sorry this is so long…InLove”
Here’s my answer:
InLove, I feel your pain- I’ve been in this situation before – and so have many women I know and have worked with – and you’re not going to want to hear this answer. If he doesn’t want to have sex with you at 20, living in the same house – it may never get better.
Either he’s gay or he’s not in love with you or he’s feeling pressure from you to deepen the relationship and to have sex and it’s turning him off, he may be afraid of getting you pregnant (though that doesn’t seem reasonable since he refused the blowjob) or he has physical or emotional problems or just an extremely low libido. Here’s what you can do from my standpoint – and I’m going to ask my friend Todd Creager – who’s a man and an expert on sexuality in marriage – to weigh in here as well:
1. If he’s gay, that’s it. Even HE might not know it, so if that’s the right answer here, you’ll suffer with this until he discovers it for himself.
2. If he’s not in love with you – you may have some effect on that if you make some changes (Tools for that are in my Modern Siren program) – just as you would for scenario number…
3. If it’s about the pressure, you can step WAY back. You can see if that works (it will), and yet –
It’s not a permanent solution.
A man who so interlocks sex with his emotions has a certain kind of energy. MatchMatrix.com calls this a “Mental-Emotional” energy around sex – and regardless of how you analyze it (some talk about how men “compartmentalize” around sex – and yours clearly doesn’t), that might be fine if you were the same way – but you’re not.
The more he doesn’t want sex, the more you DO.
We women try to CONNECT through sex – and so he picks that up, and because he’s afraid of or doesn’t want to deepen the connection, for whatever reason – he refuses sex.
This is going to be an issue your ENTIRE lives, should you decide to stay together. Whenever there’s conflict, or during the ups and downs of your relationship – sex will stop.
If you chase him for sex – as you’re doing now (if not actually, physically making the moves, you’re thinking about it and wanting it all the time) – is just making it worse for you.
4. On top of everything else, these days many men have lowered libido for reasons around stress and diet and pollution – but if that’s his problem now, it won’t get better – it will get worse.
This is very difficult and doesn’t feel good. Step way, way back.
Let’s see what Todd has to say.
I would not move in with him, if I were you – and if you do, please have a fall-back plan so you don’t feel stuck if things don’t get better.
Sorry for the cold-sounding answer – but I want YOU to get a bit cold around this. I’d really like you to get out there and FLIRT – Circular Date just by talking with other men.
Sitting around and hoping a man will want to have sex with you at 20 is bad-feeling, and I don’t want you there.
Okay – This just in – Todd Creager answered my call and wrote me this to help you:
“Rori- your advice is not cold; it is realistic. As you do, I feel for this young woman because she so much wants the relationship to work. However, patterns do not usually change that easily.
One other possible factor besides the ones that you diligently outlined is the following; I have often found that men who resist sex in a committed relationship have had a very overbearing or needy mother. The male child unconsciously views women as needy or smothering.
The male deals with this by unconsciously creating distance so that he can still “feel his own skin” and not be taken over by the “dangerous” female. This is his projection. The female is not necessarily doing anything wrong.
I see the young woman here having two choices. Let him go and move on or insist that he get some good therapy. If she takes the second option, she should observe his behavior.
If nothing changes several months into his therapy, she should strongly consider option 1. I hope this answer along with yours can help her. Todd Creager”
I’m going to take this bit of insight about why a man avoids sex and go deeper into it (and why Strong Surrender and Modern Siren will help you catch the red flags of a man with this problem, and perhaps even undo some of the damage). I’ll get some help from Todd along the way – this is his specialty.
“InLove” – Use all my Tools to help you LeanBack, step-back – and rather than thinking about giving HIM “space” – take some for YOURSELF. Fill up your schedule with activities you adore doing, that make you feel good – and let HIM fit himself into YOUR schedule.