Here’s a great letter from Amy…
“First of all I would like to thank you for doing what you do…finding you and receiving your e-mails, and reading this blog in the last few months has felt like I have an older, much wiser sister standing in my corner telling me just what I need to hear whenever I need to hear it…pretty darn cool!! :~)
Next, after reading this this morning I had to write and ask you a question about something I am going through…but first, a little background…I am 37 (38 in May, sigh.) I was married at 24 for 7 years, no children. He cheated. I was in a long term relationship with the father of my daughter for 6 years. We were due to get married in June of last year. He cheated and left in May. So, almost 11 months later I have picked myself up, dusted myself off, done a TON of work on myself, and gotten myself back in the game! yea, me!!
I signed up for Match. com a little over a month ago, and within 4 days I found myself talking to the single most intriguing man I have ever experienced. Day after day we both were constantly amazed at the intensity of the connection between us in every conceivable way…emotionally, spiritually, sexually, how we felt about relationships and how we believed people should behave within them, same favorite foods, wanting the same things out of life, it goes on and on…he said more than once, “it’s like we share a brain”! One hurdle however, was that we live across the country from each other…but we were working on that…kind of even made it even more intense though, not getting to really see each other, and the conversations covered even more…and the chemistry…oh my, the chemistry!!
But, I made a mistake. A couple of weeks ago I had a very heated issue arise with my daughter’s father and even knowing what he had been through with his ex-wife, her children and her ex and all the drama, and knowing how much he hated it, i found myself telling him about this situation. Why, oh why did I do this?? So naturally, within the next week I could feel him pulling back, and ultimately he said that he had finally realized that he just couldn’t be in a relationship with someone who has children. What???!!! I was in shock at the time, but after having had some time to think about it, I truly don’t think that is really it. I think the drama of that one situation scared him to death. He doesn’t want to go back into a situation like that. And I can’t blame him. But what he doesn’t know is that through all of the bs with my ex, that is the absolute worst it has ever gotten, and the worst it will ever get because I simply will not live my life in a soap opera. Nor will I allow my daughter to.
We have had a couple of texts between us, I have to admit, initiated by me, but in a light-hearted way…sort of. I would like to clear the air with him and apologize for even telling him any of that grossness…no matter the connection between us, it was just not appropriate at that time. And I guess to see if my thoughts on his feelings about women with kids or drama with exes is correct. (my being a mom was never an issue before this, and he of course knew all about her, and said what an amazing mother i was alllll the time!) He even had me seriously thinking about moving and having a child with him…he will be such an amazing dad, and he truly deserves to be one. God, I have never felt so strongly for someone, especially in such a short amount of time! But 3-5 hours on the phone every day can do that, apparently!
At any rate, I find myself thinking about him and missing him and wanting to tell him things about my day, something I think he would find interesting or funny, comparing everyone i meet to him, to feel that longing for me from him, to hear his voice, to SEE him!! I really don’t know how to go the rest of my life never having seen this man face to face! He said he thought seeing each other would make it more difficult (to not go on with this)…I think it would be the opposite. Long story short, nothing, not my marriage, not my last relationship, nothing, has ever felt SO right on so many levels. This does not feel over and done to me. not at all. I just don’t know what to do about it at this point. Hence, this letter…HELP!!!
Thank you again for heeding your calling in life and being a source of strength to so many!
Here’s what I wrote her back:
Amy, Thank you for your heartfelt story – and you’re not going to like my answer.
It’s so tough I’m emailing you personally with it to get your permission…but… I think you need to hear this now.
Let’s see what happens and how this works for you.
All of this is a dream. It’s not real.
You cannot have strong feelings for a man you’ve never met.
Your track record of being with men who lie and cheat, and who bring so much drama to your life tells me that you are caving in every minute to your deeply ingrained drama queen (we all have an inner drama queen, yes…and please know your drama queen is a great powerhouse for you – but not in the way you’ve been letting her run your life).
This is also an addiction. As bad as meth and heroin.
This is seriously taking yourself down the road to ruin.
This is Sandra Bullock and Jennifer Aniston and Elin Woods having the wool pulled over their eyes. You cannot have the life you want and ignore the reality here.
You DIDN’T make a mistake.
You WANTED to push him away.
You WANTED to do drama all over him.
And together – you made up a relationship that might have disintegrated the moment you met.
Amy wrote back to me:
“Thank you for your e-mail, for taking the time to write. It means more than you know. And of course, you can use my name in a post…if my story can help someone else, then I am happy to have that as part of my journey.
But there are a couple of things that I disagree with. I can and did and do have strong feelings for him, (Tony is his name) even though we never saw each other face to face…we MET, oh, boy, did we MEET…we just hadn’t SEEN each other yet. And it was not one sided. Not at all. This I know for sure. And I did NOT want to push him away. That is the exact last thing I wanted! I feel my mistake was in not considering where he was coming from, the new, fragile nature of our relationship, and leaning on him and talking to him like he had been a part of the process with my ex all along and somehow knowing that ugly incident was not a regular occurrence between us. But I am honest, to a fault…and told him all the gory details…bleh.
I hear what you are saying about my drama queen…I get it and I agree…she can be pretty powerful. And sometimes that is good, sometimes that is bad. I’ve just never learned how to harness that power, i guess, and use it only for good. And it’s funny you would mention those three women…I identify so profoundly with them all. So so grateful though that mine hasn’t been played out for the world to see. Wow. The strength that would take!! Going through the last year without the world watching almost killed me.
At any rate, thank you, thank you, thank you for your time, attention, and wisdom! When I first found you I was trying to put my relationship back together with my daughter’s father (Eric). Obviously, that didn’t work, but I have learned so much and come so far since then, as hard as it has been, I know now I could never go back. The physical feeling and dropping an object and letting go was something I used all the time as I was learning to let him go. Thank you for that, as well.
I look forward to your response to this, and to your post! Let me know if there is anything else you need to know…
And I’m sticking to my first answer:
Even in olden days, before computers and facebook and phones, when people wrote letters to each other – like Elizabeth Barrett and Robert Browning – still, no one ever fell in love without laying eyes on each other.
I’m simply amazed that anyone could believe you can know someone without being in their presence – even with Skype. I hear your passionate belief that this strong connection existed, and that you destroyed it by spewing out stuff…but to me that just sounds like you talking to a doll.
Did anyone see Lars and the Real Girl? One of my favorite movies ever. Not only does Lars fall for a blow-up sex doll, all his friends and family begin to relate to her as though she’s real. She becomes real. She has an actual, physical presence that they each put feeling into.
You are not even in the presence of this man, and yet you can “feel” him. To me, as spiritual as I am, as much as I believe that we are all connected and so can pick up on each other’s thoughts and feelings “across the ethers…” I do not believe love can BEGIN unless you are in the presence of one another. Otherwise, it’s all imaginary. It’s a crush from afar.
Love can carry on, perhaps, after a meeting…but it cannot begin without the meeting. Interaction is necessary for love. The phone doesn’t do the job.
A long-distance relationship can work, and hang together for many reasons…most of them having to do with the level of intimacy each person is comfortable with – and, too – the level of space each person most truly feels good with.
I crave a lot of personal space. I like to think and write and pray and dream and wander and walk…I need a door to my office and the freedom to roam. And yet, when I’m with my husband – when he’s here, present, in front of me – I don’t want to just be getting the surface of this “togetherness.”
My inner demons may wish to suspend me in a superficial exchange – but my heart really, really wants to get down, dirty and inside and real – in EVERY moment I stand face-to-face with him or speak on the phone with him.
Because you have not met him, you have no way to tell the difference. You have no way to gauge the depth of the connection you feel. A person may not be able to hear or speak or see – but can still sense another person in the physical realm.
I do not wish to say that any one or combination of senses is better than any other – but – without the physical – there can be nothing else – except friendship.
Friendship can be deep and abiding even without the physical sense. But romance cannot.
Romance requires the physical – at least the knowledge and memory of the physical.
I’m not talking “sex” here – I’m talking about sensation. The physical realm.
This is my “story” – whether or not this is some measurable or evidence-based “truth” – and I’m sticking to it.
For me, to believe otherwise cannot possibly serve you. To get what you want – you must take the path of least resistance…the path that is filled with good feelings and ease – not obstacles and difficulties to overcome.
I hope this helps…Love, Rori