Comments on: Why A Man Does What He Does http://blog.havetherelationshipyouwant.com/attraction/why-a-man-does-what-he-does/ Marriage & Relationship Advice From Rori Raye Mon, 15 Mar 2010 11:38:27 +0000 hourly 1 By: KRT http://blog.havetherelationshipyouwant.com/attraction/why-a-man-does-what-he-does/comment-page-1/#comment-10617 KRT Tue, 09 Jun 2009 06:09:31 +0000 http://blog.havetherelationshipyouwant.com/?p=242#comment-10617 Thank you for responding Rori...and you are right! I actually have begun some of your tools for circular dating today and had two men approach me! It felt sooo good. This is what I want to know: how do I handle him when I see him again this weekend? I want to make it clear that I like him, but also that I'm not going to have sex with him (the emptiness of no communication is horrible!). How do I take my ATTENTION off it, yet be strong and concise about what I want and soft at the same time? Thank you for responding Rori…and you are right! I actually have begun some of your tools for circular dating today and had two men approach me! It felt sooo good. This is what I want to know: how do I handle him when I see him again this weekend? I want to make it clear that I like him, but also that I’m not going to have sex with him (the emptiness of no communication is horrible!). How do I take my ATTENTION off it, yet be strong and concise about what I want and soft at the same time?

]]> By: Rori Raye http://blog.havetherelationshipyouwant.com/attraction/why-a-man-does-what-he-does/comment-page-1/#comment-10583 Rori Raye Mon, 08 Jun 2009 22:24:49 +0000 http://blog.havetherelationshipyouwant.com/?p=242#comment-10583 KRT - Welcome - and as you read the posts and comment here - you'll get the concept of my work. And - to be fairly tough right off the bat here - what happened here is that you just went with this thing, invested yourself, and got all bonded and connected with a man who is IN TRANSITION. I'm not saying this won't eventually work out - but your ATTENTION to it will only drive him away. What you need is Circular Dating (it's not about "dating") - you can get some understanding of it here, and my Targeting Mr. Right program gives you the whole thing, soup-to-nuts. Right now - you're "all bout him" - and I want you to shift that - NOW - to "all about YOU." Love, Rori KRT – Welcome – and as you read the posts and comment here – you’ll get the concept of my work. And – to be fairly tough right off the bat here – what happened here is that you just went with this thing, invested yourself, and got all bonded and connected with a man who is IN TRANSITION. I’m not saying this won’t eventually work out – but your ATTENTION to it will only drive him away. What you need is Circular Dating (it’s not about “dating”) – you can get some understanding of it here, and my Targeting Mr. Right program gives you the whole thing, soup-to-nuts. Right now – you’re “all bout him” – and I want you to shift that – NOW – to “all about YOU.” Love, Rori

]]> By: KRT http://blog.havetherelationshipyouwant.com/attraction/why-a-man-does-what-he-does/comment-page-1/#comment-10519 KRT Mon, 08 Jun 2009 03:19:34 +0000 http://blog.havetherelationshipyouwant.com/?p=242#comment-10519 by the way...he is officially divorced now too! by the way…he is officially divorced now too!

]]> By: KRT http://blog.havetherelationshipyouwant.com/attraction/why-a-man-does-what-he-does/comment-page-1/#comment-10518 KRT Mon, 08 Jun 2009 03:18:39 +0000 http://blog.havetherelationshipyouwant.com/?p=242#comment-10518 Rori...I need help! I met a man through mutual friends about a year and a half ago (our best friends are in a relationship). He's very attractive, professional, intelligent...and they'd warned me that he could be very shy, was still married to his wife even though they'd not lived together or even in the same state for 4 years. I myself was just coming out of a horrible marriage and was not looking to start dating yet. We went out twice as a group with our friends. We had a good time with the group, got to talk only a little. I'm in Georgia. In the midst of this he'd gotten a new job that was taking him to Canada (he's a pilot). He didn't ask for my number and that was pretty much it. I would ask about him over the course of the year to see how he was doing. This March, we met as a group again as he'd come back to Georgia. He'd gotten laid off his job due to the economy and is pretty down about it. We did exchange numbers this time. After about a week, I called him (I know! but my friend said I should, since he's rather passive/shy as I mentioned before). He met me for coffee, we walked around/talked for about 3 hours - amazing connection!!! It took him about a week and a half to call me and ask me out. The convo was pretty much, I want to go out again, when, where, how. That's it. We go out, wonderful time and a kiss! I leaned back. He's communicative in person, very considerate, gentlemanly. He also had decided to move to New York with is family as he'd not had any job prospects here in Georgia. He said that he would still come here about once a month and in the meantime is still looking for a job, preferably in GA because he likes it here. HE changed the date he was going to leave to make sure he saw me before he left. We have a third date, wonderful time again and the chemistry is amazing. We slept together, and the sex was off the charts! Problem for me was I felt it was too soon, as I'd wanted to wait a little longer, especially since he was leaving. Well, I texted him the next day to make sure he got up north...and then didn't hear from him. I got so anxious...I called him after about 5 days. He did call me back (we ended up playing phone tag - he left messages)...he apologized for not calling sooner, said he was kind of having a pity party...I told him that I really liked him, but where was he at with this? He said "Isn't it obvious, yes! I like you a lot!"...Don't hear from him for a bout a week after that, then he calls and says he's coming here. Soon as he arrives, he calls, we make a date. Once again, great time. Rori he's soooo affectionate - holds my hand, touches my hair, I feel like I have his undivided attention. We have sex again, we talked bout the communication thing, and he said that he's not good with that, just not a phone person. I said that there's email, text, whatever. He said that he would do better. He goes back to NY. That was a month ago...In that time, I did email him ...used feeling messages, kept it level...but also let him know that I don't wanna be "the girl he sees when he comes to town" and to get to know each other there has to be communication. I know that about myself. It took him about 2 weeks to respond (guess he doesn't check email much either)...he didn't respond to anything I'd said, only he was out of the country for 3 weeks to take care of some family stuff, asked about my children, and he would be back soon. He also called me last week to wish me happy birthday...admittedly I was happy he called, but also a little dry and I think he sensed that. He's coming back into town this weekend. How should I handle this??? It's like, when I'm with him, its amazing, beautiful, like we could even be soul mates. But when I'm not with him, it's next to nothing in terms of communication. I know he's going through a lot financially and emotionally with being unemployed, etc. My friends don't really know how he is with women...they admit that he's not much of a phone person...in the 30 yrs his best friend has known him he's never seen him in a serious relationship, other than his wife, which by all accounts was not positive (he didn't tell me this). I'm a girly-girl...before my marriage 12 years ago, I was used to being pursued...and I've noticed the dynamics have changed quite a bit since then. I feel myself wanting to overfunction (and I have a tendency to do this), seemingly to compensate for his shyness...but that doesn't feel "real" or "right" for me. How can I turn this around? Rori…I need help!
I met a man through mutual friends about a year and a half ago (our best friends are in a relationship). He’s very attractive, professional, intelligent…and they’d warned me that he could be very shy, was still married to his wife even though they’d not lived together or even in the same state for 4 years. I myself was just coming out of a horrible marriage and was not looking to start dating yet. We went out twice as a group with our friends. We had a good time with the group, got to talk only a little. I’m in Georgia. In the midst of this he’d gotten a new job that was taking him to Canada (he’s a pilot). He didn’t ask for my number and that was pretty much it. I would ask about him over the course of the year to see how he was doing. This March, we met as a group again as he’d come back to Georgia. He’d gotten laid off his job due to the economy and is pretty down about it. We did exchange numbers this time. After about a week, I called him (I know! but my friend said I should, since he’s rather passive/shy as I mentioned before). He met me for coffee, we walked around/talked for about 3 hours – amazing connection!!! It took him about a week and a half to call me and ask me out. The convo was pretty much, I want to go out again, when, where, how. That’s it. We go out, wonderful time and a kiss! I leaned back. He’s communicative in person, very considerate, gentlemanly. He also had decided to move to New York with is family as he’d not had any job prospects here in Georgia. He said that he would still come here about once a month and in the meantime is still looking for a job, preferably in GA because he likes it here. HE changed the date he was going to leave to make sure he saw me before he left. We have a third date, wonderful time again and the chemistry is amazing. We slept together, and the sex was off the charts! Problem for me was I felt it was too soon, as I’d wanted to wait a little longer, especially since he was leaving. Well, I texted him the next day to make sure he got up north…and then didn’t hear from him. I got so anxious…I called him after about 5 days. He did call me back (we ended up playing phone tag – he left messages)…he apologized for not calling sooner, said he was kind of having a pity party…I told him that I really liked him, but where was he at with this? He said “Isn’t it obvious, yes! I like you a lot!”…Don’t hear from him for a bout a week after that, then he calls and says he’s coming here. Soon as he arrives, he calls, we make a date. Once again, great time. Rori he’s soooo affectionate – holds my hand, touches my hair, I feel like I have his undivided attention. We have sex again, we talked bout the communication thing, and he said that he’s not good with that, just not a phone person. I said that there’s email, text, whatever. He said that he would do better. He goes back to NY. That was a month ago…In that time, I did email him …used feeling messages, kept it level…but also let him know that I don’t wanna be “the girl he sees when he comes to town” and to get to know each other there has to be communication. I know that about myself. It took him about 2 weeks to respond (guess he doesn’t check email much either)…he didn’t respond to anything I’d said, only he was out of the country for 3 weeks to take care of some family stuff, asked about my children, and he would be back soon. He also called me last week to wish me happy birthday…admittedly I was happy he called, but also a little dry and I think he sensed that. He’s coming back into town this weekend. How should I handle this???
It’s like, when I’m with him, its amazing, beautiful, like we could even be soul mates. But when I’m not with him, it’s next to nothing in terms of communication. I know he’s going through a lot financially and emotionally with being unemployed, etc. My friends don’t really know how he is with women…they admit that he’s not much of a phone person…in the 30 yrs his best friend has known him he’s never seen him in a serious relationship, other than his wife, which by all accounts was not positive (he didn’t tell me this). I’m a girly-girl…before my marriage 12 years ago, I was used to being pursued…and I’ve noticed the dynamics have changed quite a bit since then. I feel myself wanting to overfunction (and I have a tendency to do this), seemingly to compensate for his shyness…but that doesn’t feel “real” or “right” for me. How can I turn this around?

]]> By: Rori Raye http://blog.havetherelationshipyouwant.com/attraction/why-a-man-does-what-he-does/comment-page-1/#comment-10186 Rori Raye Fri, 29 May 2009 03:20:01 +0000 http://blog.havetherelationshipyouwant.com/?p=242#comment-10186 Dear Elizabeth, Welcome, and thank you for your wonderful comment, and I'm sorry for the pain this is causing you...and I wish I could be encouraging - but this man sounds to me like a train wreck. You know how I feel about being in an exclusive relationship for even a MONTH, much less for 5 years. The fact is, every day past one year that you are exclusively with a man, the odds for getting married go DOWN. It does you NO good. If this man is not ready now, he never will be, and if he can't even, after tying you up for 5 years, talk this out with you without leaving the house and staying somewhere else - he's an absolute, total loser. I really don't even care what a great guy you think he is. He's not doing the job. At all. PLEASE go Circular Date. Get out, have fun, flirt, meet other men - and give this man, when he calls - the "No Girlfriend" speech. I know this is easy for me to say (hey --I've been where you are, but after 2 years, not 5 - so I can only imagine how painful this must be) - but PLEASE consider this option. Love, Rori Dear Elizabeth, Welcome, and thank you for your wonderful comment, and I’m sorry for the pain this is causing you…and I wish I could be encouraging – but this man sounds to me like a train wreck. You know how I feel about being in an exclusive relationship for even a MONTH, much less for 5 years. The fact is, every day past one year that you are exclusively with a man, the odds for getting married go DOWN. It does you NO good. If this man is not ready now, he never will be, and if he can’t even, after tying you up for 5 years, talk this out with you without leaving the house and staying somewhere else – he’s an absolute, total loser. I really don’t even care what a great guy you think he is. He’s not doing the job. At all. PLEASE go Circular Date. Get out, have fun, flirt, meet other men – and give this man, when he calls – the “No Girlfriend” speech. I know this is easy for me to say (hey –I’ve been where you are, but after 2 years, not 5 – so I can only imagine how painful this must be) – but PLEASE consider this option. Love, Rori

]]> By: Elizabeth http://blog.havetherelationshipyouwant.com/attraction/why-a-man-does-what-he-does/comment-page-1/#comment-10176 Elizabeth Thu, 28 May 2009 22:14:16 +0000 http://blog.havetherelationshipyouwant.com/?p=242#comment-10176 Hi, I have started listening to the 'Reconnect Your Relationship' CDs but am afraid it's now too late for my own relationship. I am 32 and have been with a guy for 5 years (he is 34). From the beginning he was always quite mysterious - he is a very independent character and is wary of getting too close to people and trusting them. But he told me how much he loved me and would do lovely, thoughtful things. Over the years though he has gone from closeness and distance. Sometimes he would be loving and at others he would completely shut down. Sometimes he would be very angry and quite nasty and he would say that he didn't want to be with me anymore. He would usually come back and say how sorry he was and how much he loved me and would be affectionate again. This destructive pattern improved a lot over the last 2 years. But it never completely went away. Three months ago I brought up the issue of mariage and children as I wanted to know where our relationship was going. I wrote him a letter (even though we have lived together for the last year) - writing it down felt easier than saying it in person. His reaction wasn't great. He asked if we could talk the next day and then he started disappearing. He came back after 2 days and said my letter had freaked him out and that he did want kids with me but not marriage because he doesn't believe in it. Shortly afterwards we went on trip away (that he had already booked and payed for). It was a lovely w/e but on the last day he got angry and cold again and after a few days of being back he said he wasn't sure about anything anymore and needed to be on his own to make the right decision. He has not been staying here for about 2 months now - although still in contact - he is staying at a B&B. I am so sad, hurt and confused about what to do. He told me he still loved me. But 2 days ago - over the phone - he said he doesn't think he wants to be with me anymore. I don't know what to do now? I know he has emotional issues because his dad died in horrible circumstances when he was young and since then he blocks strong feelings out to the point where he feels nothing. He has openly admitted that he 'can't deal with emotions' and when he feels awkward in emotional situations he feels the need to get away and be on his own and he blocks everything out. I don't want that to mean that we lose what could be a great relationship. I still love him. And when we are happy we are very happy - but then he just shuts off and now it looks like he has shut off for good and has left me for good and I am so sad, angry, confused and hurt. And I feel humiliated, weak and powerless. I don't know what to do now? A lot of his belongings are still at my flat. He hasn't come to collect them and he is not calling me. He was meant to call me back yesterday and didn't. I feel so disrespected by him (again!). I don't know whether to contact him and ask him to come and collect the rest of his things and say that I've had enough? (Even though really it looks like he's had enough of me?) OR whether I should try talking to him with feeling messages - telling him how sad and hurt I am and how much I miss him and want to talk to him. I'd be lying if I said that I don't want him or love him anymore. What I really want is to work through our communication and intimacy issues and be the best couple we can be. Often people used to say we were really well-suited and it was clear we were right for eachother and loved one another a lot. But the ups and downs and distance over the years might have destoyed everything and it feels like such a waste to walk away without trying to address these problems when I really believe we are suited and love one another a lot. He told me a while ago that he is scared he might not meet anyone else that he gets on with as well as me and that from the day he met me (when we were 17) he knew he wanted to be with me. I see those things as mixed messages. But maybe I am kidding myself? The last thing he said over the phone is that he doesn't think he wants to be with me - but no explanation or honest communication as to why. Can anyone give me any advice? I feel that if I do nothing and just sit here it's all ruined for sure - And by sitting here 'waiting' with all his stuff in my flat I am more of a victim. But if I try to get in touch AGAIN! (as I have called him twice recently) I am acting like even more of a doormat. Any advice very welcome. I'm not in a very good place right now. E Hi,

I have started listening to the ‘Reconnect Your Relationship’ CDs but am afraid it’s now too late for my own relationship.

I am 32 and have been with a guy for 5 years (he is 34). From the beginning he was always quite mysterious – he is a very independent character and is wary of getting too close to people and trusting them. But he told me how much he loved me and would do lovely, thoughtful things.

Over the years though he has gone from closeness and distance. Sometimes he would be loving and at others he would completely shut down. Sometimes he would be very angry and quite nasty and he would say that he didn’t want to be with me anymore. He would usually come back and say how sorry he was and how much he loved me and would be affectionate again. This destructive pattern improved a lot over the last 2 years. But it never completely went away.

Three months ago I brought up the issue of mariage and children as I wanted to know where our relationship was going. I wrote him a letter (even though we have lived together for the last year) – writing it down felt easier than saying it in person. His reaction wasn’t great. He asked if we could talk the next day and then he started disappearing. He came back after 2 days and said my letter had freaked him out and that he did want kids with me but not marriage because he doesn’t believe in it. Shortly afterwards we went on trip away (that he had already booked and payed for). It was a lovely w/e but on the last day he got angry and cold again and after a few days of being back he said he wasn’t sure about anything anymore and needed to be on his own to make the right decision.

He has not been staying here for about 2 months now – although still in contact – he is staying at a B&B. I am so sad, hurt and confused about what to do. He told me he still loved me. But 2 days ago – over the phone – he said he doesn’t think he wants to be with me anymore. I don’t know what to do now?

I know he has emotional issues because his dad died in horrible circumstances when he was young and since then he blocks strong feelings out to the point where he feels nothing. He has openly admitted that he ‘can’t deal with emotions’ and when he feels awkward in emotional situations he feels the need to get away and be on his own and he blocks everything out. I don’t want that to mean that we lose what could be a great relationship.

I still love him. And when we are happy we are very happy – but then he just shuts off and now it looks like he has shut off for good and has left me for good and I am so sad, angry, confused and hurt. And I feel humiliated, weak and powerless.

I don’t know what to do now? A lot of his belongings are still at my flat. He hasn’t come to collect them and he is not calling me. He was meant to call me back yesterday and didn’t. I feel so disrespected by him (again!).

I don’t know whether to contact him and ask him to come and collect the rest of his things and say that I’ve had enough? (Even though really it looks like he’s had enough of me?) OR whether I should try talking to him with feeling messages – telling him how sad and hurt I am and how much I miss him and want to talk to him. I’d be lying if I said that I don’t want him or love him anymore.

What I really want is to work through our communication and intimacy issues and be the best couple we can be. Often people used to say we were really well-suited and it was clear we were right for eachother and loved one another a lot. But the ups and downs and distance over the years might have destoyed everything and it feels like such a waste to walk away without trying to address these problems when I really believe we are suited and love one another a lot.

He told me a while ago that he is scared he might not meet anyone else that he gets on with as well as me and that from the day he met me (when we were 17) he knew he wanted to be with me. I see those things as mixed messages. But maybe I am kidding myself? The last thing he said over the phone is that he doesn’t think he wants to be with me – but no explanation or honest communication as to why.

Can anyone give me any advice?
I feel that if I do nothing and just sit here it’s all ruined for sure – And by sitting here ‘waiting’ with all his stuff in my flat I am more of a victim. But if I try to get in touch AGAIN! (as I have called him twice recently) I am acting like even more of a doormat.

Any advice very welcome.
I’m not in a very good place right now.

E

]]> By: JP http://blog.havetherelationshipyouwant.com/attraction/why-a-man-does-what-he-does/comment-page-1/#comment-1881 JP Wed, 03 Dec 2008 23:54:24 +0000 http://blog.havetherelationshipyouwant.com/?p=242#comment-1881 Carmela That's so wonderful to hear! Thank you. It works for me and I also find Rori's 'touch' ideas superb for getting out of my head. My head can get busy making up little movies that include painful feelings. It's so good to have tools that break the old patterns! X :) Carmela

That’s so wonderful to hear! Thank you. It works for me and I also find Rori’s ‘touch’ ideas superb for getting out of my head. My head can get busy making up little movies that include painful feelings.

It’s so good to have tools that break the old patterns! X :)

]]> By: Carmela http://blog.havetherelationshipyouwant.com/attraction/why-a-man-does-what-he-does/comment-page-1/#comment-1876 Carmela Wed, 03 Dec 2008 21:57:11 +0000 http://blog.havetherelationshipyouwant.com/?p=242#comment-1876 JP, I tried your idea and it really helped alot. I was in my car and I was touching the seat (Rori suggests touching chairs), so I was combining your closing the book and fizzing bottle with feeling the chair and it really worked! I felt such a release of negative feelings and energy. I actually felt relief after that and that was just incredible to me. Thank you for sharing that, I am going to use that when ever I find myself thinking about the ex. JP,

I tried your idea and it really helped alot. I was in my car and I was touching the seat (Rori suggests touching chairs), so I was combining your closing the book and fizzing bottle with feeling the chair and it really worked! I felt such a release of negative feelings and energy. I actually felt relief after that and that was just incredible to me. Thank you for sharing that, I am going to use that when ever I find myself thinking about the ex.

]]> By: Melissa http://blog.havetherelationshipyouwant.com/attraction/why-a-man-does-what-he-does/comment-page-1/#comment-1800 Melissa Tue, 02 Dec 2008 12:42:38 +0000 http://blog.havetherelationshipyouwant.com/?p=242#comment-1800 Thank you Rori! I think I need to know just HOW to do this because I don't think I'm getting it right. I'm going to start listening to your RYR and Modern Siren programs again because maybe it didn't sink in fully the first time. Each day it seems to get harder and not easier because we just grow more and more apart. Such a devastating feeling! Thank you Rori! I think I need to know just HOW to do this because I don’t think I’m getting it right. I’m going to start listening to your RYR and Modern Siren programs again because maybe it didn’t sink in fully the first time. Each day it seems to get harder and not easier because we just grow more and more apart. Such a devastating feeling!

]]> By: JP http://blog.havetherelationshipyouwant.com/attraction/why-a-man-does-what-he-does/comment-page-1/#comment-1798 JP Tue, 02 Dec 2008 12:29:04 +0000 http://blog.havetherelationshipyouwant.com/?p=242#comment-1798 Carmela - thank you! Look forward to hearing more from you. I'm enjoying all the Christmas lights and sparkle :) Carmela – thank you! Look forward to hearing more from you.

I’m enjoying all the Christmas lights and sparkle :)

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