i feel like i am in a steel coffin with only my head sticking out and so my brain is working overtime to make up for the lack of real movement. i feel like a puppet with no one pulling the strings so i am just crumpled and inanimate. i feel ugly. i feel tired scratchy eyes. i feel heavy puddingface. heheh. i feel laughing. i feel like my ugly dirty maangy stringy haired street orphan is back. i feel love for her. the poor thing has been so neglected for so long. i feel tears. i love you orphan girl. even if you never accomplish a thing. even if you always feel scared. even if you just stay sitting in this one position forevermore. i will sit here with you and i will love you. i will wash your hair for you and hug you and put you in clean clothes and stroke your hair and help you feel safe. i will wipe away your tears. i understand. it can be hard sometimes. we’ll be okay. you don’t need to hide in the shadows anymore.

i feel ashamed. i feel like the ugly dying duck in the pond that swims away and goes to find a place alone to die. i feel ick and yuck and angry. i feel angry thaat i feel this way. damn it. i feel furious. i feel stuck though still. but i feel better than last night.

i wish i would just get clear signs about what step to take next and if i am moving in a direction that is good for me. i wish i had more money. i wonder if i would still feel stuck if i had alot of money. how could that be? i’d have so many fun distractions. or at the very least i could go get my nails done yes?

i feel alone. but i have made much progress and these feelings are just temporary. i feel sad. like my ship has sailed too. only i totaally missed it. i wasn’t even at the dock. i was home frozen on my couch. i love my self judment and self criticism and despair. i love my tired scratchy eyes and my lazy puddingface. i love my writing and typing and typing praying for release from my my steel coffin and obssesive thinking and lack of action. i love that there is no immediate resolution or answer. i love ugh. just blah and ugh. ick yuck.

Until I sat down in the quiet last night and “talked” to me. Now here’s the weird part ladies, when I sat down with me I realized I was disconnected from everyone BUT most importantly I realized why I felt that way. This was a MAJOR light bulb thank the universe moment for me.

I was disconnected from everyone else because somehow I had disconnected from myself. NONE of this had anything to do with a man.

I’ve been using the tools for awhile. I had more self confidence. I was softer, I love how soft my voice had become. I was able to be strong without being loud. I was able to stand up for me without feeling guilty. I was able to feel my feelings and know what I needed to do for me. I was enjoying more things.

But then it was like where did everything go? But it wasn’t everything it was “where did the new/real me that I loved go?”

I was jeolous of my new self I couldn’t find the new me. I was angry why did I lose this I love my new self. I was sad and fearful “would I find my new self again? Being disconnected from my new/real me left me feeling disconnected from everything and everyone.

But after being with myself. I’m on the road to reconnecting with me. It feels SO good.

So my logo would be “Holding on to Me” with my little girl and big girl dancing around in a open meadow, glowing with love, acceptance and happiness.