Author Archive

Get Unstuck Fast

Last post I had you “drop into” your body and your heart when you were getting emotionally “Triggered.” This is a great first step to getting unstuck – fast.

So, to start – what does being “stuck” LOOK like?

Being stuck ALWAYS looks like you’re in your head. You’re thinking. You might even be “spinning” your thoughts – bouncing from one extreme idea to another, stopping only long enough to beat yourself up about what you’re thinking about.

Perhaps you’re thinking and feeling that you will never have the life you want, never have the LOVE you want, it’s just not in the cards, not in the stars, not possible in the world as it is right now and as men are right now. So – now that we know what it LOOKs like, what does being stuck FEEL like?

Perhaps you feel: “ I want to stay exactly where I am. I do NOT wish to move forward. I only want to stay in my thoughts, keep doing what I’m doing, go somewhere where I’m safe, where I’m comfortable, where I’ve laid it out so nothing triggers me and everything stays the same. But – at the same time – I wish for MORE! I wish for even more love, more passion, more dreams coming true, more excitement and happiness and fun and even money.”

Perhaps it feels like: “It’s as though I want more – but I don’t want to move from my spot.”

So here we are – stuck between what we really want and where we feel comfortable. Next, let’s lay out some Tools to shake that loose.

Love,
Rori

written by PermalinkComments (1)Leave a Comment »

How To Turn Sadness Around In Seconds

Have you ever felt like your heart was just – lumpy, heavy, small? Not depressed, not angry, not “down,” just more like an “ache”?

When that happens to me, it’s like all I’m sewed up – like an embroidery or needlepoint. It feels like everything’s tight, nothing’s loose, and there’s an edge to every thought. And – what I really notice is I can’t put my finger on the reason for it.

I’ve figured out a way to make this work FOR me, so try it and let me know if it works for you:

I started noticing when this feeling comes on that I’ve gotten triggered by something. I might be driving home from an appointment in a neighborhood that holds lots of memories for me – good ones and some weird old ones, or I might have met someone who looks like someone I once knew – doesn’t even have to be someone who once hurt me – all that has to happen is that that person brings back the TIME, long ago, when I felt bad.

Then I noticed, when I used my Tools and started relaxing parts of my body – shoulders first – a burst of sadness would come through me. You’d think the sadness would feel worse – but it doesn’t – try it yourself. The sadness feels BETTER. It’s like a relief. It’s like you can RECOGNIZE the feeling, even if you don’t know why you’re feeling it.

And then – here’s the really cool part – instead of going back to that time, or trying to figure out what’s bothering me in my HEAD, I DELIBERATELY continue to TRIGGER MYSELF. That’s right – I make it worse.

So – if it’s the neighborhood, I’ll drive around, I’ll actually LOOK for triggers, looking to BRING OUT the feelings. I keep letting go of my shoulders and then there’s more sadness. And then I see it’s a bit gray outside…more sadness….

NOW, I’ll start talking to myself. Try it: Ask questions. Ask, “Okay, what’s going on here?” Perhaps you can put your finger on some things: “I feel nostalgic for an old time, and I’m starting to feel fear, as though I’m running backwards over my life because there’s a wall in front of me and my life’s about to end. I feel a doomsday feeling, where I don’t want to move another minute ahead in time – I just want to go back somewhere safe. Or – I’m thinking about HIM – a man who hurt me.”

Try to keep it all about FEELINGs, about sensations in your body. Really try to tune into your body instead of trying to THINK it through with your brain. You can get some great help here from my Body Dialogues in my Heart Connection Toolkit – for now just focus in on the physical and the emotional, and steer your thoughts away as you just continually “drop into” your body and your heart.

Try this today, let me know how this feels to you, and we’ll go further in the next posts…

Love,
Rori

written by PermalinkComments OffLeave a Comment »

What’s The Difference Between Masculine Energy and Feminine Energy, and What Does “Bitch” Have To Do With It?

If you’ve caught yourself feeling one way and then saying or acting another – sometimes the complete OPPOSITE from the way you actually feel – that’s the PRETENDING TRAP.

It’s when you really feel like a girl, but you act like a man. Either because you don’t want to appear weak, or because there’s just no MODEL for you out there on how to be STRONG and “girl” at the same time!

The TRUTH is – the very definition of “girl” is STRONG!

We women are totally amazing – we can endure pain, we can multi-task, we can take over anyone and anything – and yet we’ve been told that’s not true. We’ve been lied to. We’ve been told that Feminine qualities – like intuition, feeling, empathy, sensuality and emotional connectedness have no place in the “real” world.

But that’s all changing. Now we see business books out there called “How To Do Business Like A Girl,” and all kinds of books on leadership that take a totally Feminine approach!

To get the full scope of what Masculine and Feminine Energy is, you’ll want to look at my Have The Relationship You Want ebook – you can take a look at it – for now, think of it this way: Masculine Energy is about DOING and Feminine Energy is about BEING. Masculine Energy is about THINKING and Feminine Energy is about FEELING. You can pretty much categorize most things – what you do and say, how you react and what you think and feel – as either Masculine Energy or Feminine Energy just by noticing if it’s Doing or Being, Thinking or Feeling.

It’s not that we have to stop using our Masculine Energy – it’s that we have to learn to use our Feminine Energy, too – and we have to learn when and where and how to use both energies to get the best results in life and in love.

So, I’d like you to do this: As you walk through your everyday life, check in with yourself. Start noticing when you’re doing and thinking, and know you’re in your masculine energy. Then notice when you’re simply feeling a sensation (without thinking about it, naming it, or judging it) or just Being Present, and you’ll know you’re in your Feminine Energy. Let me know what your is like – is it balanced between the two – Masculine and Feminine? Or are you lopsided to the Masculine? Let me know.

Love,
Rori

written by PermalinkComments (1)Leave a Comment »

What Is “Bitch” Language, And How Does It Affect Your Relationship?

Just the word “Bitch” is so provocative. It brings up so many feelings – which means that talking about it will help you so much – it moves us forward and upward so much more quickly when we work with powerful, emotional images and issues.

So, now that we’ve talked a bit about Masculine and Feminine Energies, let’s talk about what “Bitch” language looks and sounds like:

1. A combination of Masculine and Feminine energies that’s intriguing, disturbing and destructive (still, much more attractive to a man than “bland”).
2. It’s sort of “hands-on-hips, leaning forward, pointing finger, making him wrong.”
3. It says “YOU did this, and YOU did that, and YOU are like this, and YOU are causing this…
4. It walks away when things aren’t going the way it wants. Literally walks away. (Very intriguing to a man.)

As a contrast, here’s what pure Feminine Energy language looks and sounds like:

1. Only Feminine Energy, that’s completely attractive, magnetic , and passive
2. It’s leaned-back, warm, inviting, grounded, centered, no-nonsense, feeling, easy, taking responsibility for itself, just Being
3. It says “I feel, I’m feeling, I felt, It feels…and NEVER mentions HIM
4. It stands still when things aren’t going the way it wants, and if it starts feeling bad, it walks away. (Yep – walking away is FEMININE. “Hanging-in” when it feels bad is MASCULINE.)

The first step for ANY shifts in your results is to know what things look and feel like, and to become aware of what you’re feeling and the words you’re using. Everything after that is just step-by-step, and that’s what we’ll do through these next posts.

Love,
Rori

written by PermalinkComments (1)Leave a Comment »

Do WORDS Make You a “Bitch?”

We’re talking about how “bitchy” is just being a girl with the wrong words. How “Bitch” is much closer to Feminine energy than stuffing down feelings and “never letting him see you at your worst.”

Yep – he’s rather see your “weakness” break through Authentically than tolerate your “bitchiness” – but he’s also rather have you be “bitchy” than for you to PRETEND. In other words, he’d rather be around feelings than artificial composure.

He’ll be willing to put up with “bitchiness” for awhile. It’ll be more interesting to him than a “pretending” woman – at first, but then it’ll wear him down and he’ll withdraw.

The only way to keep a man’s interest, devotion, love and commitment – forever – is to allow all your feelings (including the ones you think show “weakness”) to come out authentically. To be expressed in WORDS that do no harm, and yet let HIM feel YOU while you’re feeling your feelings. It doesn’t matter what he feels about your specific feelings. He’s just simply drawn in by your ABILITY to feel.

Sounds pretty scary, doesn’t it? Well, it is. If it wasn’t scary, we would’ve done it years ago, because it WORKS with men.

We just were never taught the WORDS to use that make all the difference between “bitch” language and “girl” language. Before I give you my take on this, I want you to do this:

Watch your own words, and how what you say and what you FEEL are connected. See if you can catch yourself smiling when you feel angry, or laughing when you feel like crying. See how you are when you feel irritated, but you don’t want to let anyone see it.

Let me know here with your comments what you discover about yourself, so we can move onto the next steps.

Love,
Rori

written by PermalinkComments (2)Leave a Comment »

What Exactly IS a “Bitch?” – Part 2

In trying to define what a “bitch” is – taking into account what OTHER people (men especially) think about that word, we get into the idea of Masculine and Feminine Energy, which is at the core of my methods.

Even though much of the world has changed, and women are getting ever-more successful everywhere, we ALL are still facing the same challenge of how and when to use our Feminine energies and sensibilities. It’s a really challenging thing – how can we be independent and successful and STRONG, and still have the sensuality, the softness, the LACK of action that pretty much defines Feminine energy. How can we really USE our Masculine energies without being considered “bitchy,” and how can we use our Feminine energies without thinking of ourselves as “weak”?

Well – what if “bitch” is just what happens when we stuff down our FEMININE energy? What if it has nothing to do with acting like a man at all? What if “bitch” is just our screaming Feminine using “bitchy” WORDS?

Why “bitches” seem to get more attention from men than “nice girls,” and even when a woman gets labeled a “bitch” she also seems to get a bit of RESPECT from a man, is because, at least, the REAL Feminine is COMING OUT.

It may not be pretty, it may not feel good to him, but he GETS that it’s REAL FEELING.

We’ve all learned to be so careful, we’ve almost made it impossible for a man to see who we really are. We’ve almost made it impossible to be “Imperfect,” and so it’s hard for a man to feel HE can be Imperfect AROUND us. It’s a pretty complex system, and we HAVE TO TEAR THAT SYSTEM DOWN!

Being “bitchy” is just not knowing the words to truly express your Feminine Energy in a way that a man can hear, and that feels SAFE, lovely, inviting and SEXY to him.

So, next post, let’s talk about WORDS…

written by PermalinkComments OffLeave a Comment »

Why Playing “Small” Pushes Your Man Away, And Allowing Him To See Your “Weakness” Brings Him Closer

And, of course, we women have all been taught the exact OPPOSITE!

I was taught that if you dream big, if you laugh loud, if you want success in all areas of your life – and you’re a WOMAN – you’ll scare a man away.

And that playing “small” and “girly” would make him want you.

It would make him feel like a big man if we made sure we didn’t “show him up” with our confidence and power.

But men LOVE confidence. They love powerfulness in women. They’re excited and turned on by a woman who’s not afraid to be herself.

So – that’s the key – a woman who’s not afraid to be herself.

And, of course – that’s the thing we’re MOST afraid of – that he’ll see who we really are.

So – we’ve talked about what it’s like to feel and play “small.” Now, what does it feel and look like to be “weak”?

Let’s clarify an important point here – the way we FEEL and the way we ACT are completely different and separate things. We can either feel one way and act another, or we can act according to how we feel. Very often, we feel hurt, and so we act angry. Or we feel scared, so we act strong and take charge. Or we feel love, and so we pretend we don’t. The very smartest, best, and most fabulous thing we can do for ourselves is to find a way not to just ACT – because often that’s just a pattern we always tend to act out when we’re feeling strong feelings – but to EXPRESS how we feel.

That could look like: “I’m feeling really bad right now about the way my work is going, and so everything between us makes me feel angry” instead of what we usually do – take it out on him.

written by PermalinkComments (4)Leave a Comment »

Is Madonna’s Marriage Not Working Anymore?

I’ve always been fascinated by Madonna – by her bold career moves and her passionate and unruly choices in men, and her good business sense. And I’ve felt so happy for her these last 7 years with her seemingly solid marriage to Guy Richie and her obvious commitment to her children, her devotion to a spiritual path and her willingness to use her money to help other children through her charity work. Even her children’s book.

I did not want to see her in another love scandal that would cause pain to others.

We have no idea what the truth is about her relationship with Alex Rodriguez, or about the state of his marriage before Madonna became his “friend,” and no one should judge anyone else, anyway, but I realized how important it was to me to think that she “had it all together.”

If her marriage was becoming a sham, and they were already separating both physically and emotionally, and A-Rod was intensely unhappy in his marriage, and if they’d all done all they could to repair the damage and resurrect the marriages, then I would say their behavior isn’t exactly “scandalous.” But it still feels terrible, and seeing other people in such disarray and with so much pain being thrown around makes you think about your own love life.

It makes you wonder about the nature of relationships, and what it is that makes them drift away, and why passion and intimacy are so difficult to keep going for some, and yet easy for others (and yes – there are so many people for whom intimacy is easy and lasts a lifetime with the same person).

I’d love to hear your own thoughts and feelings about the “musical chairs” quality of some marriages we know of, and the lifelong, everlasting quality of so many other marriages. Let me know what yRu think makes all the difference, and then I’ll write some solutions to all this.

Love, Rori

written by PermalinkComments OffLeave a Comment »

How Could Christie Brinkley Not Know Who Her Husband Really Was?

How can we get fooled – even while we’re living with and alongside a man, day in and day out, for years and years and years?

Is it possible?

Or do we KNOW, on some deep – okay subconscious – level that our man is doing things he’s not telling us – things that would hurt us if we knew?

I’ve thought about this and thought about this. I’ve looked at Christie Brinkley walking out of court with a robotic smile on her face that could not have truly been real given what she’s had to go through – and wanted to judge her. I’ve wanted to call her “unconscious,” or that there must be something wrong with her that she’d choose a man who could lie to her and hurt her like that and not notice that something was off in him and the relationship.

I’ve wanted to think she did know, but just didn’t want to deal with it. I’ve wanted to think she knew, and decided to wait until her children were grown, or to simply lead separate lives with her husband and not go through a messy divorce that would surely cost her money. I’ve wanted to distance myself from her – to believe that I would never, ever be fooled like that.

And I hope I’m right about myself – that I’m somehow so in tune with my husband and the rhythm and realness and intimateness of our marriage that I would simply KNOW if something was off. “Certainly,” I say to myself “I would know if he was spending great sums of money without telling me. I would know that he was sleeping with another woman and lying to me.”

And I’ll bet Christie said the same thing to herself.

And so, when I’m tempted to judge her, I stop myself. I can only say that I hope I would be alert enough to know if something was wrong in my marriage.

If you’ve ever struggled with this – perhaps you’ve been betrayed in the past (I certainly have been thrown for a loop and completely shocked by a man’s behavior) – then let’s look at some ways to avoid ever having to go through it again.

1. Listen to what a man says. Believe him when he says things like “I’m not ready for a relationship,” or “my ex-wife thought I was a real handful,” or “I’m not sure I want kids,” or “I cheated on my last girlfriend, but I’d never do that again.”

2. Look at his relationships with his friends and family, and pay attention to how he talks about women – is he respectful, kind and appreciative, or is he angry, jokey and bitter?

3. Don’t take “intimacy” and “truth-telling” for granted, or mistake “comfort” and “friendship” for a real relationship. Pay attention ALWAYS to how you feel about YOURSELF when you’re with a man.
I’ll be talking in later posts about jealousy, obsession – and how to get over not being able to trust a man because of what’s happened to you in the past – in the meantime, you’ll want to check out my Commitment Blueprint program – it has a special section on jealousy and obsession, and is all about staying on your “Bridge” to Happy Ever After and not letting a man throw you off course.

Love, Rori

written by PermalinkComments OffLeave a Comment »

How To Say What You Feel & Stop The “Intensity” That Pushes Men Away

I know the whole idea of “saying what you feel” sounds wrong.

Men are supposed to HATE feelings, aren’t they?

A man gets really uncomfortable around “drama” and the kind of emotional intensity we’ve been talking about in this series of posts – where your energy is all bound up in a kind of “push-pull” tension inside you – but he LOVES “feelings.”

He loves to see you “uncovered.” As though you’re a transparent woman and he can see everything that’s going on inside you. Yes, even the “yucky” stuff.

What we’re talking about here is vulnerability, and vulnerability is a RARE thing.

“Fragility” is common, where a man feels you could easily break apart or fly into a rage or into tears at the drop of a hat. And he’s always on the lookout for that. But vulnerability requires inner strength, bravery, and a belief in yourself. In order to let someone see who you are inside – especially a man you love – you have to be “okay” with yourself. Liking yourself is even better. And loving yourself gets you the prize!

Because if what a man sees when he looks at you is that you love yourself – then he feels compelled to love you, too. He can’t help it.

So saying what you feel is a necessary part of being vulnerable. It doesn’t mean you have to say everything you feel ALL the time. (And most of the time we’re actually speaking about what we THINK, and what we think doesn’t count at all for vulnerability – we’ll talk more about that in future posts.) And it doesn’t mean you spew your feelings out in just any old way.

What being vulnerable and saying what you feel means – is that there’s a way to talk about what you feel that works, that’s soft and vulnerable, and there’s a way to talk about what you feel that’s dramatic, “intense” and makes him think you’re fragile and difficult.

In the next posts we’ll get to the exact ways to do it. If you’d like to quickly get my “Basics,” like Feeling Messages, down – try out my ebook, Have The Relationship You Want

written by PermalinkComments (13)Leave a Comment »

Next Page »