Here’s a comment from Amy that speaks for all of us at one time or another:
“Rori, does it really work? I tried all the feel good factor for yourself stuff and yet I am still suffering from missing my ex who has not contacted me for one month since the break up. Accepting is really hard.”
Here’s my answer:
Amy – welcome, and here’s the deal:
Who said you had to “accept” – WHAT?
You’re broken up. He’s gone. That’s what IS.
Grieving and sadness and pain are feelings we feel.
The depth of those unhappy feelings has a lot to do with subconscious impulses and triggers that we don’t even know about.
The question to ask yourself is – am I going to let this sadness RUN ME?
Am I gong to have what I want no matter what’s going on now?
Can I accept what is and not fight it so I can keep living my life – no matter how BAD I feel?
There’s nothing that says you can’t go on hikes and to free art classes and meetup.com groups of all kinds and speed dating and have a coffee date every single night with a different man from Match.com…no matter HOW you’re feeling.
Giving up unhappiness is a spiritual journey.
We can talk about that if you like, and I touch on it in most of my programs.
It means getting your head and thoughts off of other people, off of your past or future, and planted firmly in the present – where you allow your senses, your body and your heart to take over. My ebook will help you with this – it’s the Listening at Level 2 Tool.
For now – try this:
1. The moment you catch yourself thinking of your ex – really CATCH YOURSELF.
Awareness is the major, crucial first step.
The faster you catch yourself, the faster we’ll get out of this stuck space.
2. Don’t do anything.
This means you want to CATCH your thoughts, your actions, what you do next.
I really mean that – don’t get to another thought in the same cycle you find yourself always going through without catching it.
Your job here is to find the pattern you normally follow.
If you start going to the next thought you always go to – blaming him, or blaming you, or thinking about an old conversation, or what you should have said, or…anything….CATCH YOURSELF AGAIN.
If you start doing something you always do (eating, drinking, smoking, partying…) – CATCH YOURSELF and try something ELSE! (Search the posts here for ‘Channeling” and you’ll find how to make a list to work with…)
We want to stop your spiraling downward.
3. Now – discover the FEELING your body and heart is feeling that’s behind the thinking and words and pictures going through your mind.
Zero in on your body – find where the tension is…and try to put a name to what you feel:
Anger. Fear. Guilt. Sadness. Hope. Despair. Grief.
See if you can discover OLD feelings getting tacked onto this experience – old grief, old fear, old assumptions about what will happen or why what happened happened.
4. Let the feeling your feeling be with you
If it’s a bunch of feelings, allow yourself to go from one to the other, and relax your body in small bits in the presence of each feeling.
If they stay in a chaotic clump – that’s okay, too. Just feel the whole sense of chaos.
You’ll likely need to get down on the floor to do this …you might not be able to stand up – and I don’t want you to try.
5. Allow the feelings to overtake you – and notice if fear is getting stronger – or – surprisingly – starting to FADE!!
Fear and pain is almost always about our fear of our fear. In other words, the most terrifying thing of all is US!
We’re terrified of the depth of terror and rage within us…and we’ll do almost ANYTHING to keep from feeling it.
Especially if we have some horrible past experiences that our egos rightfully want to keep us safe from feeling and from ever happening again.
But the way to keep those bad experiences from happening again is to let your feelings surface – not by digging into the past – but by digging into the PRESENT!
In other words – investigate yourself – NOW.
See if you can relax while you’re feeling.
See if you can ACCEPT your FEELINGS.
Don’t worry about trying to “forget” him. Just make the conscious decision to not focus on him on purpose.
Right now – he’s just an experience. If you can look at it as a learning experience (Alanis Morissette has an amazing song about that – I’ll find it and post it…) – you’ll get beyond it so much faster.
And forget about forgetting about it. Just let it be a part of you that’s important in the building and revealing of who you are.
Lovely thought, to me.
It’s all about you.