Archive for the 'Attraction' Category

Anger Is An Investment In Him

10-6 love yourselfThe Question:

Carol says, “I would like you to review ways of telling a perfectly nice man you’re not attracted to him and won’t go out with him again.”

My Answer:

The simple answer to this question is: “I’m not available.” If he asks further, and you like him as a person, it’s “I felt really happy to know you and spend time with you, you’re a great guy, and it just doesn’t feel like a match to me…”

That’s it – you move on, keep Circular Dating, keep the attitude (and this is the truth) that if a match with a man isn’t right for you, it can’t be right for him either.

And yet – there’s a deeper issue here that I want to use this simple question and answer to jump off of:

I want to really be clear about this: If you can’t kiss a guy after two or three dates – I mean just kiss him and give him a chance – then you’ve got to let him go.

AND – I want you to take a look at who you’re choosing. Please look closer at the men you want to kiss – because there’s a huge chance you’re just used to choosing wrong.

Your inner “boy” is somehow “doing the looking” at a man – looking at him basically on paper, in your mind and your instinctive, habit-formed reactions – and saying, “He looks good.”

He looks good physically. He looks good financially. He looks like he’s got a good history.

Perhaps you’ve “got a lot in common” (again, that’s on paper and in the mind) – and so your inner boy is making that “yes” choice for you.

The thing is – that choice can’t be made by your inner boy.

That choice has to be made by your inner GIRL.

That choice has to be made from intuition, mixed with a huge awareness of what your real, core needs are in a love relationship, a huge sensitivity to your feelings about YOURSELF when you’re with a man, and a casual disregard for what you may have always thought of as “chemistry.”

It has to be made from how it feels to be with this man, how relaxed and self-loving you feel with him.

AND – your inner boy cannot allow you to get emotionally, physically and logistically invested to the point where you start to feel urgent.

The moment you feel urgent about a man, something is wrong.  and if you’re emotionally, physically and logistically invested in him, along with the urgency comes anger.

The anger begins to feel like an attack, because the immediate fallout from a sense of urgency is the intense feeling that we’re being attacked.

Sometimes attacked from the outside – by others, by situations, by circumstance, by the world, by the Universe – and most often from the inside of us. We feel attacked by ourselves, which then makes us feel under attack from the outside.

Attack can look like: “I want to attack him for why he’s being a jerk,” or “I’m afraid he’s going to attack me by dumping me.”

If you’re feeling any of this, what’s going to happen is: your anger, resentment, frustration and disappointment are going to get bigger and bigger. And then you won’t know how to let it out towards him. It’s going to be too late.

The anger, resentment and disappointment you feel is in direct proportion to the energy and effort you’re putting out to the relationship.

In other words, you’re going to be angry with him if he doesn’t step up, because you’re doing stuff to try and make him step up or to keep the relationship going.

If you weren’t doing anything for him or towards him, if you were just watching him, leaning back, flirting with other guys, going dancing, hanging with other men who wanted you – you wouldn’t be anywhere near as angry.

When you wait for a man because you’re invested, you’re going to become angry.

Once we start to feel the anger, what follows is our sense of attack – and that’s when  communication with him breaks down. That’s when we push him away. That’s when we break things.

So it all starts with a sense of urgency, the sense of attack, the sense of working too hard.

So – the deeper, more complex answer to “How do I say goodbye to a man I’m not attracted to” is: Before you say goodbye, before you simply follow your attractions down the same roads you’ve always gone down, use this moment to ask yourself what you really want.

Ask yourself if you’re pushing what you want away. Perhaps this “nice man” was just an “attempt.” A “try” at going for a “nice man.”

Those of us who’ve tried that have often got a man who has OTHER reasons that would have sent the red flags flying. Just being “nice” isn’t the answer, here.

You may be “not attracted” for reasons OTHER than physical – or “too nice.”

Partnership takes a set of skills. It takes, more than anything, the desire to WANT to be a partner – forever.

And the ability to hear the other person even when emotions are flying and everyone wants to run or attack.

Start with that when you’re looking for requirements in men and dealbreakers.

See if you can discover inside you an attraction to “partnership” – not to the qualities of any one man. Nice, handsome, well-off, poor, unpleasant, overweight, quiet, interesting – those are just labels.

Forget them, and look for partnership – and what that feels like.

Love, Rori

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Dating Dilemma

rosestemThe Question:

“Rori, It would be fantastic if you could help me with my small dating dilemma: how to get a man’s attention?

How can I make him notice me considering that there are loads of women in the same room. I don’t know if I could make the first move as I’m more of a shy person. What would you recommend?
Best Regards, Allison”

My Answer:

Dear Allison, Great question! First, Don’t make any moves. Let him do it. It’s okay to be shy.

There may be loads of women in the room, and he’s noticing you all. If you’re not his More…

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Luvskool For Newlyweds In Los Angeles With Greta Hassel

greta hasselI love Greta. She’s a brilliant/genius therapist/coach – and together with her new husband, Dennis Cohen, they’re an amazing team. They’ll be doing a workshop in Los Angeles on November 22nd.

I know we’re not much about “Newlywed” here – and just in case you’re in a relationship, in Los Angeles, and want some hands-on help where you don’t have to DO anything! –  Here’s the info:

Luvskool for Newlyweds:  A Day of Play, A Night of Love, A Lifetime of Bliss!

Saturday, November 22, 2014  9:30 am – 10:00 p.m. 

Remember your Honeymoon Glow?

Would you like to maintain, strengthen, or even revitalize it!  YOU CAN, with this fun, experiential More…

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A Note From The Universe – Truth-Telling

save relationshipThis one totally knocked me out:

“Nothing heals, helps, cures, mends, builds, clears, stabilizes, fixes, balances, restores, corrects, inspires, enables, empowers, enlightens or tickles, Rori, better than the truth.

Ask for it by name,
The Universe”

Go here to get your own Notes From The Universe –>> (I still get them every day and feel inspired by each one – yet I could feel my entire body and being just relax, get still and easy when I started reading this one…

Whenever I feel sad, or confused, or defeated, or anxious –

I now ask myself: “What am I telling myself?”

And then I ask “What am I not telling myself?” 

Then I ask “What am I not telling another person?”

It’s usually my man I’m withholding the truth from, or trying to figure out HOW to withhold the truth.

And then – to keep me feeling consistent – I automatically start not telling myself the truth, either.

Then I start making up all kinds of things.

If this feels familiar to you – Here’s what I do to “right” the boat that’s me, floating in life (even though not being “right” and floating in life lopsided or upside down or any-which-way is just fine, too…):

After I ask myself those questions above, I just start telling myself the truth.

I stand still and put the words together.

I own whatever it is I feel most afraid of or disgusted by.

Even though I can feel the fear and the discomfort – I can also feel a kind of “sinking in.”

I can feel myself being more “me.”

And that feels better than what I “think” would be the result of anything I could make up.

Love, Rori

 

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What “The Talk” Will Do…

woman in chairHere’s a letter from Nancy – with a situation we’ve all been in. She wants to be honest, open and forthcoming with her man of 6 months, and yet – it’s all about “where she’s coming from.”

If you have to tell a man he’s “hurting” you by backing away and appearing to “lose interest” in you – what can you really get from a “discussion” about it?:

The Question:

“Hi Rori,

I’m feeling big-picture confused about how to handle my relationship situation and would really appreciate your take on it.

On the one hand, it’s taken me almost 3 years of being single to meet someone I like as much as this guy, and feel so compatible with on so many levels. And for the first 5 months of our relationship he was doing and saying all the right things in terms of helping me feel happy and confident in our present and future. I More…

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If He’s Too Suggestive Too Soon – What To Do

how to attract menHere’s a great question from Deidre about a truly common issue with some men:

“Rori, I live in a large metro area, and one man I Circular Dating lives about 45 minutes away. We have a date for dinner & dancing tomorrow night, this will be our second date. He asked if he could pick me up (I met him at the coffee shop the first time we met).

I felt weird when he asked me, and was not sure if it was a good idea, but I want to move out of my comfort zone and experience new things, so I said yes. We were talking on the phone the other night and he made suggestive comments.

One of the comments he suggested we have a “pre-dinner” drink when he picked me up and we may not make it to dinner!” and said “I feel very warm, I believe I am blushing,” to which he responded by laughing and saying how much he liked me. We talked about dancing More…

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How To Tell If He’s Worthy Of A Second Date

bobbi palmerI just saw this from Bobbi Palmer and think it’s profound and helpful…:

 

http://datelikeagrownup.com/2013/01/how-to-tell-if-he-is-worthy-of-a-second-date/

 

Love, Rori

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VOCAL ATTRACTION: Use Your Voice to Attract Your Partner

Here’s a great guest post from Ariella Forstein – who’s brilliant on my Modern Siren program:

by Ariella Forstein

So many women change their voice in order to become what they think is attractive to men. Some raise their voices higher; some make their voices softer, and most do both.

It is no wonder women do this, because our society deems the “sexy” female voice as airy, light, high-pitched, and smooth.

If altering the voice is easy and just a matter of fitting in, why do I, as a Vocal Coach cringe when I hear women doing it?

Because this voice is inauthentic.

If you use this voice, it is a clear sign that you are not fully comfortable with yourself. It may help you attract a man, but likely one that desires an insecure, needy woman.

Is that you?

I didn’t think so.

And even if it is, you can become empowered by taking necessary action to alter both your voice and your confidence.

Steps to a confident, authentic, attractive voice:

  1. When no one is around, speak to yourself freely about something you love.
  2. Observe the ease, joy and enthusiasm with which you speak!
  3. Feel your breath connected to your voice, supporting it ever so wonderfully. The emphasis will be on what you’re saying, rather than what you’re thinking. This is your authentic voice.
  4. Practice using this voice (no matter how new or scary) on the phone with a trusted friend. Optional: Tell the friend you’re doing this, and ask them to remind you to use it when you speak with them.
  5. Then use this voice in the grocery store with the cashier.
  6. Then approach an attractive man with it, or try it on a date.

This is one of numerous pathways to re-discovering your authentic voice. You know better than anyone if you are able to use it easily or not. If you are still searching for it, remember, it takes time to get comfortable enough with yourself to speak authentically.

When you realize that you can be more vocally authentic and take action to change, know that you are doing something bold and beautiful, and others will admire you for it. That should enhance your confidence!

Real men want real women. The more you are comfortable with yourself, the sooner you’ll attract a man who is comfortable with himself. And that, my friends, is attractive!


Ariella Forstein is a Vocal Empowerment Coach, healing and enhancing voices & lives for transformational, obtainable forward movement. Learn more at: www.AriellaApproach.com

From Rori: Ariella is unique, wonderful, and inspiring…if you want to learn more about how working with your voice can empower and transform you inside and out – check her out…

Love, Rori

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How Men Are Like Women – They Want What’s Not Available Just Like We Do

Here’s a comment from Tony – and I’m going to be “tough.”

First, Tony, thank you for showing up – having men on the site can be an amazing thing. Not only do you give us information that’s incredibly helpful – it also helps us see how much like us you are in some basic ways.

And this is one of them – and it’s the basis of the classic “play hard to get” game we all grew up with.

The thing is, Tony – you sound like a woman.

And I mean this to sound as tough as it does, because you’re not a woman – and what you need to do to capture this woman’s attention is the OPPOSITE of what we women need to do to capture a man’s attention.

Here’s Tony’s letter:

“Rori,  I am 25 and have been working with a women for the last couple of months and I have fallen for her more then anyone else in my life. She More…

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Get Your FREE “Bring Him Close” Book At LoveRomanceRelationship – And Attract Men With Your Sexy Voice, Too…

Hi all, I’ve noticed some comments about articles of mine and other great stuff you’ve found at http://www.LoveRomanceRelationship.com

…and since the Editor-In-Chief there is my dear friend and genius webmaster Steve Warwick – I’m tickled that you like the site, and don’t mind at all if you find something you like there and link to it here…also…

If you haven’t already – go and pick up the LoveRomanceRelationship free ebook – “Bring Him Close” – you’ll see a lot of my ideas and Tools in there (because LoveRomanceRelationship is an affiliate for me…) – and there’re some terrific articles and great “skill set” books there on Personality and Body Language –

One of my favorite programs there is about creating a “sexy voice” for yourself quickly (and written and voice recorded with 6 audio tapes by my rock star friend Ginger McKenzie  -though she goes by “Ginger Gardner” on “Sexy Voice Secrets.” That’s her in the picture…)

I send many of my clients to voice teachers (and if you have my Monthly Interview series, you’ve heard me interview a few of them – not to mention the wonderful Ariella on Modern Siren) – so Ginger’s program is a serious bargain.

If you get it, let me know what it does for you. I think working with your voice is a HUGE and simple thing to do that works with my Tool of “Changing Everything.”

Our voices are easy to work with, easy to shift, and even a tiny shift there gives you huge results. It makes you feel “new” around the same men or man.

Ginger herself has this amazing, sweet speaking voice and a rock star life and personality (she’s coached other singers…so that’s where the program comes from, and…yeah…I pushed her to create it…I really thought there was a need, and I totally love the program she put together…)

http://www.loveromancerelationship.com/sexy-voice/how-to-attract-men/

But, most of all – don’t forget to sign up for the free articles list and get your free “Bring Him Close” book (yeah…I suggested the title and read it and gave it my approval before I let Steve publish any of my stuff in it…)

Love, Rori

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