Have The Relationship You Want

Here’s a great comment from Jeannette that I want to jump off from:

“Thanks to all of you….however, I am still struggling with the same guy. I have cut back and for the most part let him call me, however, I am only hearing from him at odd times. Such as Sat. mornings or Sun. eve’s. We sort of cut off the relationship but we are trying to stay friends. I am lying to myself because I care VERY deeply for him. I have tried circular dating and so far have met up with duds. Then my long distance calls and there I am, stuck in the mud. Happy when he calls and More…

I was driving along, my new Dave Matthews CD playing, when this incredible song started playing. I played it over and over and over – it’s the most romantic song I’ve ever heard, and my heart just swelled.

The whole day I was in that space of romance – and I was putting my space in that yearning space, where there was a mysterious male at the root of the song, he made me feel the way I felt…and as this old tape was playing…I stopped myself.

Instead of this vague mystery man who’s supposed to be more amazing and fulfilling and gut-level deep romantic than my husband, who is real and with me – I thought about my husband.

I put him in the picture of the space of this song.

I let my heart open up around him.

It was totally amazing.

All of a sudden, I could sense my resistance to this. I could sense I was fighting the image, the feeling of my husband as my Prince Charming – More…

I have a client, who like I was many years ago, is brokenhearted and obsessed with the man who pulled away from her and hurt her.

I know you’ll identify with her story, because it takes to an extreme something we all do. This client (I’ll call her Joanne) is a fabulous person – as I know you are – and sometimes that makes everything even MORE CHALLENGING!

Changing ourselves to thinking more about US is easier if we’re self-involved, narcissistic, uncaring, selfish people. But we’re not. You wouldn’t be here working like this if that was who you are.

And when we’re a good woman – it’s challenging to tell the difference between being a good, caring human being and being a controlling, overfunctioning, needy human being because giving to someone else, even thinking ABOUT someone else is the best way we learned to survive emotionally.

Most of us were so taught that it’s better to give than receive, and most of us have lived with and known narcissistic people who demanded much of us, who only seemed to love us when we were taking care of THEM – physically, emotionally, spiritually – that we can’t even feel whole unless we do that.

When we’re stressed – we go to giving. When we’re afraid – we go to obsession. I’m very big on redoing dreams and gaining “mastery” over certain things. Basically redoing things in our imaginations…but NOT in order to gain control over them or feel “closure” around them – but to sink down into the feelings we’re hiding from and TWEAK our thinking and actions for next time.

There’s a big difference between the work we do as part of the process of HEALING ourselves – and what we do that actually STOPS our progress.

If, when you feel afraid or angry or guilty – you go to worrying about or trying to “fix” another person (especially a man you have feelings for and about) – you are going to your “default.” You are going to your “defense” against what you REALLY, most DEEPLY feel.

I want to really lay this out – You are not defending against HIM, and what you’re afraid HE might do (you can just stay AWAY from him for that) – you are defending against YOURSELF. You are entering into war with yourself. You are literally bumping up against yourself.

So – when you start to obsess about a man – for WHATEVER reason) – see if what I’m telling Joanne works for you:

“Rori, I am still having continuous thoughts about him sinking and escalating into his addiction. Joanne”

Joanne’s long-time man drifted away from her, and then suddenly started acting “peculiar.” He left her and went back to an “ex” who was bad news all around. An abusive, difficult woman. And there he stays… More…

I just got this Note from the Universe – and I love it:

Should you choose to go, do, and be, Rori, at the end of your life, shocked and dismayed, you’ll likely exclaim that because of all the uncanny events, wild timing, weird coincidences, and sheer chance encounters, all of your life’s good fortune must have been your destiny.

Or, should you choose to wait, wish, and hope, at the end of your life, shocked and dismayed, you’ll likely exclaim that because of all the uncanny events, wild timing, weird coincidences, and sheer chance encounters, all of your life’s bad luck must have been your destiny.

Rori, do you see what the difference is?
It ain’t me,
The Universe

Rori, destinies are a dime a dozen.

I thought this was perfect with the Circular Dating Tool – Which is about going and doing – so that you can just BE!

Isn’t it true, that when we look back and try to figure out what happened – good or bad – it’s so easy to “make-up” an analysis? It’s easy to see the “mistakes” if it turned out “badly,” and those same “mistakes” seem charming if it turned out “well.”

So – let’s go for the Charming. I say ALL of it – whether you choose to call it a mistake or a goof, or a glitch or a lucky thing (often they all LOOK the same – they just FEEL differently at the time and feel differently later, too, depending on what happens next) -  is just part of the lessons of your life that lead you to greater awareness, happiness, and better and more fun and good-feeling outcomes as you go along.

Sometimes what we call a “stumble” is actually “serendipity” – a lucky stumble.

Scientists experience this all the time, and artists and poets and singers (look at how Adam Lambert’s many “stumbles” at his AMA performance resulted in more publicity than a PR person could hope for, even with an unlimited budget, and actually more love, adoration and bonding with his fans than anyone could have ever expected.

You just don’t know.  We never really know.  There’s just no point in being “wistful” and “what if” about it all.

“Losing” isn’t always losing.  Winning isn’t always winning. “Going with the flow” really is where it’s at – and learning how to do that and STILL keep walking across the Bridge to your Happy Ever After is what we’re working at here…step-by-step, no matter how rocky it feels at the time.

Love, Rori