Have The Relationship You Want

Wanted to print this comment by Terry with my short answer…and then jump into a post all about this  (Terry is answering Shannon’s response to another comment…you can read the whole exchange here->):

“Wow, thanks Rori! I feel tears streaming down my face after reading your answer. Your support is just the confidence booster I needed. I tend to second guess myself. Thanks for explaining about the muddy water/clear water. That’s exactly how it feels to me. I feel relaxed now knowing that I’m growing. : )

Shannon, well to be honest, I didn’t really do much of anything with the Circular Dating. First, my date had asked me to a dance and he is somewhat of a social butterfly. (That feels perfectly fine to me. I love his social skills and I feel attracted to that quality about him.) So, when he decided to go socialize around the room, I told myself “Ok, here’s your chance, Terry. Time to use a skill you just learned!” I used the “turnaround” tool.

Instead of watching where my date was going, who he was going to talk to, etc., I completely turned away from him. I took a slow, deep breath (because this felt scary), leaned back with palms open, felt a big smile come across my face, and scanned the room at all the men. I knew some of them, many I didn’t. Most of the men had dates.

Shannon, it was amazing. Three of them took turns coming over to talk to me and they had all brought dates! I felt my heart racing a bit, but then I started to really feel empowered. I looked directly into their eyes when they spoke. I kept leaning back, kept smiling. After this happened the third time, I felt an arm slide around my waist. It was my date, looking a bit irritated at all the attention I was getting. I felt great!

My date then kept getting me drinks and food. He also kept me on the dance floor a long time. During the next band break, my date went to get something to drink. I went up to the stage to look at the musical equipment, because I’m also a musician. Just then a band member came over to talk to me. I told him how excited I felt over seeing his instrument, because I felt drawn to maybe buying the same one. He instantly began giving me a demo. I nodded a lot, used ‘umm hmms’ and ‘ooohs’, and thanked him for the lesson. I told him I felt better educated on the topic.

Just then I felt someone watching me. Sure enough, my date (the same guy who disappeared on me 4 months ago) was glaring at me and this other musician. After that, my guy didn’t seem to feel the need to work the room anymore. He stayed by me the rest of the night. Amazing! I used lots of positive feeling messages with my date, too.

I was also careful to keep my boundaries. At the end of the evening I felt him wanting a make-out session. I told him I only felt comfortable kissing and holding each other, but that’s all. I didn’t feel ready for more yet. He smiled and complied.

Here’s  my note:

Terry, talk about fast results!

And you did all this from your INSIDE.  BRAVA to you!!!!!!

Just keep doing what you’re doing, and now - because you’ve had some great results - you have a new wrinkle: you’re going to have to be very aware of the “Be Surprised” part of the Rori Raye Mantra so you don’t instinctively start focusing on the results.

This is a traditional, classic actor’s issue.

The first take is spontaneous, it just happens.  After that - you want to RECREATE the magic that resulted.

But you have more and more “takes.”

The director wants it done over and over because of the light, the camera, etc.

The actor starts trying to remember what they did that worked, and then it becomes stiff, forced, planned.

The goal here for all of us is to just experience and use the Tools fresh and new each time - let past results go out of your head and heart and body, and just look for the new messages, the new lessons, the new experiences.

Terry - you go, girl!

Love, Rori

Here’s a comment from Renee I jumped right off of, because I felt so strongly I’m about as forceful as I’m ever going to get.  This is total tough love, totally hard to hear if you’re Renee, so Renee - please don’t read it if you don’t want to hear it this brutally…and let’s all help with getting Renee going in the right direction…Renee - you’ve had enough pain…I want you to be happy right now:

“Rori,  I have listened to your Toxic Men program and it has really taught me what have been doing wrong in relationships. I have been dealing with this toxic man for the last year. I have known this man for 12 years. We were involved 12 years ago for about 3 years. He was separated when we met and continued seeing each other after he went back to his wife, I know, bad mistake. I finally ended things after I moved out of state. He would still call and want to see me, but I felt that he had made his decision to be with his wife and it wasn’t right for him to continue to try to see me.

We lost touch for about 5 years, then I got a phone call about a year and a half ago, saying he was seperated “for real” and was sorry for how he had hurt me. I started things out as friends since I wanted to make sure the relationship with his wife was really over. When the divorce had been filed, I agreed to see him. I wanted to just be friends, but the chemistry between us is very strong and we developed a sexual relationship. We had an amazing time together and by the way he initially talked I thought we could finally be together as we had always dreamed.

Two months after we started seeing each other he told me about this other woman who he had been deeply involved with for the last year, and that was why he was getting divorced, his wife kicked him out of the house for having an affair. He told me he was trying to end things with her. I hung on for another 8 months, all the while he was “trying to end” the relationship with this other woman, seeing me and also seeing 2 other women. I did not expect a committent right off since he was going through a divorce.

He finally made a decision to move out of state to get away from this other woman. Initially I was so happy, I thought maybe he would change. He invited me to see him in his new town and when I arrived, he seemed nervous. It is a small town, and we went to dinner at one of the few restuarants and ran into a couple he knew. He immediately became uncomfortable and introduced me as “someone from out of state who is interviewing for a job”! I was devastated and when I confronted him after the fact, it came out that the woman in the couple was the sister of someone he had been seeing in a sexual relationship. He had told me he was only going out in groups, he hid the fact that he was in any kind of physical relationship with anyone.

When I asked him what he wanted out of our relationship he basically said he wanted a “stay home person” in the town, but a “travel companion” on the side, which would be me. He said he loved being with me and spending time with me, but could never be in a “one person” relationship. I really love this man, and after listening to your Toxic Man program, I realized I had been doing everything wrong. I told him I just wanted to be friends, that I did not want a physical relationship with him anymore. Even as a friend, he doesn’t call when he says he will, he does not answer my emails. I have been trying to use the feeling messages and have joined 2 online dating sites so I can start dating. I already have a lot I am doing on my own, I am in Karate, I go to the gym 6 days a week, hike and work insane hours.

I have always thought of myself as a very independent person, but my heart melts when I hear this man’s voice and he gets to me like no other. Is this a hopeless situation? He told me he and this other woman have been seeing each other quite a bit, he has even met her daughter and been on family functions. I feel like my heart is being ripped in two. I know I am probably “addicted” to the situation since I cant have him. I enjoy having this man as a friend, but I want more, but don’t know if it is even worth it anymore.

I am not very good with meeting other men, any suggestions on how I can put myself “out there” to start dating more? I am currently going through your modern siren program, I need all of the help I can get!

And here’s my very tough answer (and also very encouraging…) -

Renee  you’re not going to like this –it’s going to be tough love - PLEASE don’t read further if you don’t want to get hit in the head with my brick…I think this is what you need, because no one else in all this time who you trust at all has told you this…..

First - I want to say brava for going out, Circular Dating, going to the gym, taking care of yourself and at least reducing this man to “friend.” That said…I think you need an overview so your heart no longer melts when you think of him or hear his voice…or so that you can put that melting to good use - which is what Modern Siren will do for you -  to make yourself happy, instead of miserable.

SO..here it is:  I’m going to ask you - WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO YOURSELF??!!!

You’ve been wasting your time, your life, your love, your energy on this BAD man who only wants you for a booty call, for a girl when he runs out of women he’s REALLY attracted to, a “friend” who’s there when he needs her.  And, though you’ve made amazing progress for yourself - here you are still thinking about him….giving your energy to trying to figure out what to do to GET him.

He’s clueless and narcissistic and totally toxic. BUT - you still have feelings for him.

I can’t make your feelings go away, and I wouldn’t WANT to!  Your feelings are precious, there yours, they feed your soul.  Just because you feel for the WRONG man doesn’t mean you need to throw away all the feelings ASSOCIATED with that man.

You can take your feelings WITH you, into the next experience, and the next, until you become a person FULL of feeling, afraid of NONE.

To be clear now, with the hardest part of my reply to hear:

*** If he WANTED you, he would have been with you LONG AGO.  He is not.  Therefore, he doesn’t want you.  Not only is there NOTHING you can do strategically or in any other way to GET this man, there is no reason on this earth why you would WANT him.  He lies, he cheats, he’s a player, he’s a total child and immediate gratification man, and he is clearly attracted to and hung up on a specific type of woman who is NOT you.  There.

I know you believe the physical chemistry and sex and attraction you feel between you is significant - but it’s NOT.  It’s what YOU perceive is going on…but if it truly was what HE perceived…YOU’D be in a completely different situation with him. (And, if I’m right about this guy - you’d be in a WORSE position.  You’d likely be married to him, and he’d be cheating on YOU!)

Now — REALLY , really work with Toxic Men to keep you working on what it is in YOU that’s keeping you drawn to unavailable, toxic men - and with Modern Siren, which will teach you how to USE all the emotions you’re righteously and gloriously feeling, and then get Targeting Mr. Right to teach you exactly HOW, nuts-and-bolts - to Circular Date to make it WORK for you.  Fast.

I want you out there Circular Dating, building your self-esteem, and never, ever again coming NEAR a man like this who is not falling all over himself to be with you.

That, from now on, is your one, non-negotiable criteria for a man…he must be crazy about you, so you have no doubt.  You must be RECEIVING all the time.  No giving.  No waiting.  He must be able to DO a lifelong relationship.  He must be able to give.  He must be able to take the good with the bad, to “catch” your feelings, to want to work through things with you.  He must be able to be there for the long haul - because he WANTS to.  He must be a GOOD man.

Love, Rori