Have The Relationship You Want

Here’s some clarification about how to handle sex when you’re Circular Dating – a jump-off from a letter:

“Hi Rori,
Just wanted to say you are an amazing woman and you given me my power back with the Targeting Mr Right program.

I’m in an exclusive relationship and about to give my man the no-boyfriend speech. I have already met someone and starting the circular dating process.

It feels daunting and I’m scared of the fact that I may lose him completely when he discovers that I want to just date him and not be exclusive with him any more, but I guess he’s not offering me a lifelong commitment which is what I want.
.
Rori I am a little confused with the sexual exclusivity process on your DVD’s. If I’m sleeping and dating guy A and I now meet guy B who I want to sleep with, do I drop guy A from the rotation, how do I handle the situation with guy A? You said one partner at a time. I’m feeling a little confused with the information, please clarify. Thank you, Shirley”

Here’s my answer:

First – you need to know if you have an actual sexual exclusivity deal with guy A.

If you do, then you know, by sleeping with guy B, you will have to tell Guy A about it before you sleep with HIM again.

That’s the only truthful thing to do.

So…if you’re willing to give guy A up for guy B because guy A will not stand a “multi-amorous” (I just made that up) relationship with you, then you’re fine.

But you have to also be fine with guy B not picking up the ball and running with it.

If you can be a Rock Star, and just date men in the service of healing yourself and learning so much that the most fabulous man will show up for you – then you won’t CARE what happens. You will date, you will take lovers, you will tell the truth, and you will be happy – no matter what any of the men choose to do.

Bottom line, a man who cannot commit to you forever cannot have you all to himself.

And, if you are a woman who can have more than one lover at a time without getting hung up on any part of the connection – then you can do whatever you want!

I certainly would not sleep with Guy B until he meets the qualifications of being around you long enough that you KNOW you feel good around him and that he’s truly interested in forever with you.

And you do not have to tell Guy A a thing (unless you DID have an exclusive relationship and were not truthful with him about dating other men) – until he moves to have sex with you.

Then you have to talk. You let him know that one of your dates has moved into the physical, and you don’t want to hurt him, but that honesty and openness are important to you, and that…again, you don’t want to put pressure on your relationship with him, and so you need to explore all your options until he makes a decision.

This can loosely be called “polyamory.”  It simply means, in this context, having meaningful, fully sexual relationships with more than one man, openly.  (No lying, so no cheating.)

Sounds pretty “Rock Star” to me.

But what you don’t want to do is get into one-night-stands, and letting your sexuality get spread around to men who are NOT intent on having a “meaningful relationship” with you.  Sometimes you’ll make “mistakes” – and that simply means that the outcomes and results don’t feel good to you.  And with sex, you have the extra responsibility of safety precautions, which requires a real conversation with a man, and is good practice around Speaking Your Truth all by itself!

And that’s why I say – Start with the idea of one sexual partner at a time.  It gives you a chance to discover what’s going on with a man, and how you feel about YOU in his presence.  It helps you be more “methodical” with Circular Dating – it’s the one place I want you to use your brain to plan your schedule and keep track of the Tools you’re using and how you’re feeling every step of the way.

It helps you feel like you’re in control, it keeps you from getting carried away by “chemistry” before you’ve found how you FEEL about the quality of the emotional connection between you and a man.

It helps you AVOID drama that will just kick in your resistance to your feelings all over again, and push you further away from yourself.

Sex has a way of intensifying everything…and with Circular Dating we’re not looking for “intensity.”  We’re looking for a cool head.  We’re looking for moving slowly, taking time for the 6 Good E’s – for experiencing and experimenting, exploring, engaging, expressing, expanding…for feeling your way through in a deeper way than you’ve ever allowed yourself to live before.

Circular Dating and Targeting Mr. Right is about Responding rather than “reacting.”  A reaction is most often an old pattern – it’s what you’ve always done before, it’s automatic, it’s not deeply felt.  It’s what you do when you’re not in touch with yourself and your real feelings in the moment.  It’s what you do as a defense, as a protection.

A Response comes from YOU, from your feelings, from your awareness of what feels good.  Responding comes with practice.  The more you practice finding and expressing your feelings, the deeper and more satisfying the response.  The more you practice, the less tension and the more joy.

So what we’re concerned with here is making the nuts-and-bolts of how you Circular Date and the rules you create for yourself around sex HELP you practice Responding in an ever deeper, happier, more blissful and easy way.  And there are many ways to get there.

This is a huge topic, and I’ll be getting  more into this.  I was pretty wild in one period of my life, and I wouldn’t take that back for anything – so I do know something about juggling men – but I never did it in a way that had more than momentary good-feeling results (and not because sex was involved, but because I did not then value myself wholly and know how to just BE with a man in other ways).

I met a woman awhile back who was newly engaged to one of three men she had been involved with -  in meaningful, serious relationships – all at the same time.  She’s married to him, now, and they’re extraordinarily well-matched and happy.  I’m going to try to corral her for an interview for my Relationship Interview Series – or at least get her story for a post here…

Whether or not you include sex in Circular Dating is something you can experiment with.  We’re all different, we’re all in different places.  Let me know your stories, what you think, what you feel, your questions about how to go about doing this if you want to try, and how even talking about it triggers you!

And for you coaches and therapists out there…this is a perfect place to let us know your perspective…

Love, Rori

Here’s a comment from Alicia that I thought was important for us to work with…

“Rori, I just found your program and have not yet received your Modern Siren however I did read the Have the Relationship You Want Book. Anyway. I have been seeing a guy since July we were going along great and then he stopped trying as much in early September. This man is 100% worth my time and all I ever dreamed of. I see some of my errors and am working on fixing them as of yesterday. We talk or text daily, seems if we call each other but I call a 65% off the time and he 45%, I will stop that now.

He switched when he was going through a emotional crises with work, he owns multiple business and has high stress. He says he cares for me, just has been overworked and stressed. He says I am perfect, a ten of a ten. I have gone there and wrote emotional letters and asked all the wrong things, poured my heart out,because he said something that sounded like he had reserves about my intentions with him. But at the same time some of it seemed to a least get us going out on lunch dates again a few weeks ago.

He knew I was dating around some but I made the mistake in telling him he captured me like no other and other men are spinning wheels trying to get close to me. I said I still talk to great men that pursue me because he had not asked for anything different. But in my heart he has taken hold.

In the first two months he pursued me fiercely, we talked non stop. I want that back.

How do I get him to stop texting and start calling? We text lots from the start but that depth has changed. I thought of saying in the next text, “Thank you for your text, I want to express to you I feel like texts are impersonal and I don’t want to communicate with you like this the majority of the time.” The texting is like half way communicating, but I’m still grateful out of his busy day he stop in to say HI, I’m torn. How is that and is it okay to say in a text. Then breath let go and wait for his call.

Sometimes when he calls should I play a little hard to get from time to time? Not pick up, wait for a few hours to call back? I did skim you Have the Relationship You Want on Sunday morning, texted him and asked him if he could give me advise. He texted back immediately and said I think so what’s up? I cried out of fear of what I was about to say. I called him 45 min later and after the small talk I beat around the bush and took a deep breath and said I FEEL LONELY, especially when me kids are at their dads. ( I got divorced last year) I said I had out grown many of my friends that go out and I would not compromise on where I go and what I do, so I stay at home.

What do you think I should do? He said he knew exactly what I felt, identified with me and said he always started making projects and to do list to keep busy, then when kids come back you feel good cause that’s off your plate. I listen and the tears started rolling, I tried not to let him know but I think he did. Then he said his phone was about to die and he would call back later. I said okay and thank you. Later he did text announcing his sons after school care was closing in one week. I text WOW, Interesting and I sorry to hear that. He did not call back last night but I am sure he will text today.  (I did read the whole Have The Relationship You Want, last night)

Is that what I should text back? Should I show strength and contentment when he calls back like I did not notice he didn’t call. OH and I don’t want to be the lunch date girl. He said last week, ” I need to make time and take you out at night” Should I say next time he asks me out to lunch, Thank you but I would rather wait, let you use that time to get other things done. I don’t want to just see you at lunch? Or what?

Thank you for all the help you have giving me thus far I feel there is hope and inspiration already! Alicia”

Here’s my answer:

The short answer is to really practice the Tools in Have The Relationship You Want, get Targeting Mr. Right to learn exactly how to Circular Date,  Modern Siren to learn how to use your emotions to get you what you want, and Reconnect Your Relationship to give you essential Tools to understand why what you’re doing is not working and how to change that instantly. And the long answer is everything we’re doing here – which is practicing the Tools – each of us, in our own way, in our own time…and watching and feeling the process and experiencing what happens when we try new things.

The fact that you’re talking about strategy and games and “playing” anything tells me you’re on the wrong track.

I know you’ve likely discovered this, but you can’t “skim” the ebook (or even just “read” it) – because it’s a “workbook.”  You have to actually DO the Tools.  It’s practicing, just like learning a new language or an instrument.

When you start this process – the first “read-thru” of the book, or the first “listen” or “watch” of one of my programs is to help you understand what you need to stop doing and start doing, and the fact that you called this man immediately tells me you didn’t “get” the main message.  So – Please – go back to the book.

Read it from cover to cover (which you’ve done now), and then DO the Tools. Every chapter – about Listening, Overfunctioning, the Sensual Meditation, the Four Rules – and Feeling Messages – is a CRUCIAL, BASIC Tool you need to master in order to turn things around quickly.  I know you will get the help you need here and in the programs…there’s space to write, exact instructions on doing and practicing…and know that these Tools are only meant to be done in short bits – (5 to 15 seconds at a time, most of them) – so it’s not like a meditative “sitting practice.”   It’s not something you do “alone” or in a certain state of mind, or something you “set aside time for.”

The Tools are meant to be done in the spur of the moment – taking whatever you feel and however you are and whatever’s going on and USING it to turn your life around – baby-step by baby-step.  Some are as easy as touching an object.  Or stamping the floor with your foot.

They’re meant to be done out in the world – in the presence of a man.  They’re meant to take you past your old patterns without shaking up your system or causing you to feel resistance or get your defenses up.  The Tools will TAKE DOWN your defenses, little by little, so you become even MORE of who you already are, and learn to express that gorgeous siren you truly are.

The Tools are meant to uncover the beauty of who you are from all the gook we women have learned to coat ourselves with – all the pretending and pretense and bad feelings for ourselves.

It’s like a…cleanse.  But in little bits and pieces that sort of free you up from the tension and distress of being taught our whole lives to THINK our way through a romantic relationship.

If I can put it all into one short statement…I would say that, after teaching you the why, the what and the how of  it – all my Tools are to help you practice FEELING your way through life. To receive from men rather than to give to them. And to be and experience who you are in the world instead of thinking about and pretending to be who you want to be. We are all imperfect, and that’s what makes us each so uniquely beautiful and amazing.

Before you can figure out what to “say” to a man – you have to know what you Feel.

You have to know what you Don’t Want.

You have to choose words based on what you feel, and what the TRUTH is, otherwise, you’re just pretending, and that will not work.

If you are Circular Dating…why would you make a big deal about lunch?  There would be other men to take you out to dinner!  Instead of trying to goose him along…you want him to feel COMPELLED to CHASE you…and you can’t do that by strategizing.

The moment a man “gets” (and they’re much swifter about this than we think) – that we’re “into him,” he loses attraction for us.

Let me know how practicing the Tools in the ebook change things for you…and then we can all pull your question apart and put it back together using Tools at every turn…This is a fantastic comment to work with, because it hits so many of the important parts.

You can’t change your life until you understand what you need to change.

And then you can’t change what you know you need to change without PRACTICING change.

So, here we are, practicing…and I’m practicing right along with you, and love all the sharing about how it works for each of us.

…Love, Rori

Who’s wrong? Is it me, or is it you? I’ve been trying to figure it out all day. If it’s neither of us, then who is it?

I’m triggered. I triggered you. You triggered me. We’re both upset. Someone’s insensitive. Someone stepped wrong. Someone did something! Whose fault is it? No one? How can I be disappointed and angry if it’s no one’s fault?

If it’s no one’s fault, then why do I feel like this?

Ahhhh. I get it. I feel like this exactly because it’s no one’s fault. I’m too nice to blame someone else. I’m too “conscious” to process backward in time and blame my parents, and my genes, and even you. So I’m hanging out here in space. So…it must be me. It must always be me.

If the Universe brings me what I want (even when I don’t know what that is), and I’m sitting here in yucky stuff, then I must want it. Ahhhh…I’m to blame!

Wait! If it’s good stuff, I’m a manifester of my powerful, beautiful destiny. If it’s yucky, I’m to blame.

This doesn’t go well with my success dressing. Definite clash of colors and tone.

Here’s a Rori Raye way to match yourself up inside, and share how you feel and who you are with your man.

A very famous New York acting coach, Mira Rostova, once taught me how to turn scripted dialogue into human emotions. Some would say it was a highly “technical” way to approach acting. We’d analyze every word, figuring out not how we, as actors, would instinctively say the words or play the scene, but how human beings would actually behave. One of her tools was something she called “The Admit.”

‘The Admit” is simply saying What Is. No emotion at all. A man asks us for the time – it’s two o’clock. He asks us about our work – we’re secretaries or teachers or entrepreneurs. Our man asks us nothing and we tell him the best way to get to the freeway. In life, so many of us live out the dialogues of our life in “The Admit.” We feel blank, numb, on the surface. We go directly to the facts. If we do this enough, we can forget we ever feel anything at all.

And then we start playing the scenes of our lives in other “chosen” emotions. If we’re in “It’s my fault” a lot, then everything we say starts with I’m sorry. If we’re in “It’s your fault,” then everything we say, think and feel starts with Why?

If we’re in “It’s no one’s fault, it just Is,” then what? Confusion, depression, blank, numb, a desperate search to find out Why and find someone to blame? Please?

Try something else. First, try Finding a Feeling. Yep. Anything. Could be anxiety, tension, confusion, emptiness (works for that blank, numbed out state), anger (works for that It’s all your fault place), sadness (works for that It’s all my fault place), anything.

If what you feel is Nothing (like in that song from A Chorus Line) or I don’t know what I feel, look again.

Is it really just “two o’clock?” Are you really just a job description? Do you really have to get to the freeway at all? If you really sink down into yourself, you might find yourself appreciating that you even know the time, or that he asked. You might feel nervous that a cute guy walked up to you and tried to make conversation.

You may actually find you feel something about two o’clockness, or about the work you do. And about the freeway, you may discover how odd and helpless it feels to really allow yourself to be a passenger.

Just because your first thought may be judgmental – either about him Couldn’t he come up with a better line? Doesn’t he know the freeway is faster? or about you I look yucky! – doesn’t mean you’re feeling angry or irritated, or that you don’t care if you ever go on another date with anyone as long as you live, or even that you’re “insecure.” You could actually be feeling scared, or uncomfortable, or overwhelmed.

Even if, in this moment, you can’t be who you want to be – you can be who you are. Even if who you are right at this moment is no one you can quite put your finger on – you can simply be where you are. And you can put words to that.

You can actually say, Oh, it feels so great to go without a watch – I don’t know what time it is! Or, It feels so great to wear a watch that works – it’s two o’clock. Or, It feels great to be almost done with shopping and it’s only two o’clock! Or, I get to feel like a kid teaching teenagers all day, or I get to have fun looking at houses all day for my clients to buy and sell – I’m a realtor. Or, in the case of the freeway, just say nothing at all and feel how uncomfortable that can feel.

And then see what happens.

What happens, always, is that the dialogue moves from inside us to out in the world.

Suddenly, instead of talking only to ourselves and behaving as if we are somehow different than we feel at any given moment – as if the men in our lives are not real people capable of talking with us – we allow someone else into the conversation.

Most of the time, we don’t even give the guy a chance. We decide what’s up with us, and then what’s up with him, and then we guess about how to behave, and then he bounces off that. Before you know it, we’re in a dialogue with no one but ourselves. Connection can’t happen until we let him in – not just into the conversation in our heads, but into the feelings in our bodies.

We are all movers and shakers. We all make things happen and stop things from happening. Sometimes we are triggered, and sometimes we do the triggering. The problem in assigning the “fault,” or the “blame,” or “the responsibility” is in trying to figure out exactly who got the ball rolling in the first place. Sometimes we think it’s pretty clear, and sometimes we guess and find out later there’s more to it than we saw the first time around.

Most of us only go to It’s all your fault because our first thoughts are It’s all my fault. Then, again, some of us go to It’s all my fault because long ago, we were taught never to go to It’s all your fault.

What if it’s no one’s fault, but it’s okay to still feel awful?

Can you live with that? Sure you can. Feelings are just feelings. They come and go. They do not define us. They do not relegate us to categories and descriptions and labels. Feelings do make us human, touchable, wonderful, magnetic and individual.

Instead of spending your energy asking yourself Why? first ask yourself What Am I Feeling Right Now?

If the answer to the question What Am I Feeling Right Now? seems to always be I don’t know, then please believe me, you have feelings. You may not be finding them just yet, but they’re really there. And there are great, wonderful, ecstatic feelings to be found along with the yucky ones.

Feeling is like breathing. Sometimes we hold our breath. Sometimes we forget to breathe. Breathing is simple to us, complex if you really think about it. Feelings are complex, and really simple if you think about it. Like breathing, feelings are not about Why? Feelings, even the absence of feelings, are about Right Now.

Mira was right that so many of us real people speak so much of the time in “The Admit,” whereas actors, wanting to juice everything up, want to find emotions to play. Be the actor of your own life. Find out what’s behind your thoughts, not by climbing up into your brain and asking “Why?” but by sinking down into your feelings and asking “What?”

When I left Mira and found another teacher, one who worked in a completely different and very organic way, I discovered many, many more layers of real human behavior than all of my “Whys?” could touch. It’s my life’s journey, and now my life’s work, to follow feelings, rather than try to put them in boxes with labels.

Find yours, baby step by baby step, and treasure them. As you cherish your own feelings, so will every man you meet, even one you’ve lived with for years.

It’s not a matter of whose fault it is. It’s a matter of how you feel.

Love, Rori

Wanted to print this comment by Terry with my short answer…and then jump into a post all about this  (Terry is answering Shannon’s response to another comment…you can read the whole exchange here->):

“Wow, thanks Rori! I feel tears streaming down my face after reading your answer. Your support is just the confidence booster I needed. I tend to second guess myself. Thanks for explaining about the muddy water/clear water. That’s exactly how it feels to me. I feel relaxed now knowing that I’m growing. : )

Shannon, well to be honest, I didn’t really do much of anything with the Circular Dating. First, my date had asked me to a dance and he is somewhat of a social butterfly. (That feels perfectly fine to me. I love his social skills and I feel attracted to that quality about him.) So, when he decided to go socialize around the room, I told myself “Ok, here’s your chance, Terry. Time to use a skill you just learned!” I used the “turnaround” tool.

Instead of watching where my date was going, who he was going to talk to, etc., I completely turned away from him. I took a slow, deep breath (because this felt scary), leaned back with palms open, felt a big smile come across my face, and scanned the room at all the men. I knew some of them, many I didn’t. Most of the men had dates.

Shannon, it was amazing. Three of them took turns coming over to talk to me and they had all brought dates! I felt my heart racing a bit, but then I started to really feel empowered. I looked directly into their eyes when they spoke. I kept leaning back, kept smiling. After this happened the third time, I felt an arm slide around my waist. It was my date, looking a bit irritated at all the attention I was getting. I felt great!

My date then kept getting me drinks and food. He also kept me on the dance floor a long time. During the next band break, my date went to get something to drink. I went up to the stage to look at the musical equipment, because I’m also a musician. Just then a band member came over to talk to me. I told him how excited I felt over seeing his instrument, because I felt drawn to maybe buying the same one. He instantly began giving me a demo. I nodded a lot, used ‘umm hmms’ and ‘ooohs’, and thanked him for the lesson. I told him I felt better educated on the topic.

Just then I felt someone watching me. Sure enough, my date (the same guy who disappeared on me 4 months ago) was glaring at me and this other musician. After that, my guy didn’t seem to feel the need to work the room anymore. He stayed by me the rest of the night. Amazing! I used lots of positive feeling messages with my date, too.

I was also careful to keep my boundaries. At the end of the evening I felt him wanting a make-out session. I told him I only felt comfortable kissing and holding each other, but that’s all. I didn’t feel ready for more yet. He smiled and complied.

Here’s  my note:

Terry, talk about fast results!

And you did all this from your INSIDE.  BRAVA to you!!!!!!

Just keep doing what you’re doing, and now – because you’ve had some great results – you have a new wrinkle: you’re going to have to be very aware of the “Be Surprised” part of the Rori Raye Mantra so you don’t instinctively start focusing on the results.

This is a traditional, classic actor’s issue.

The first take is spontaneous, it just happens.  After that – you want to RECREATE the magic that resulted.

But you have more and more “takes.”

The director wants it done over and over because of the light, the camera, etc.

The actor starts trying to remember what they did that worked, and then it becomes stiff, forced, planned.

The goal here for all of us is to just experience and use the Tools fresh and new each time – let past results go out of your head and heart and body, and just look for the new messages, the new lessons, the new experiences.

Terry – you go, girl!

Love, Rori