Have The Relationship You Want

If you’ve been following Bethany, you know her man got a text from another girl, and when he told her about it – he did it in a way that made her feel awful, horrible – the whole “freak -out.”

We talked about how she could share her feelings, and tell him the TRUTH – so they could deepen their relationship, and she could start feeling stronger inside…and here’s what happened (you can hear how insecure Bethany feels, just like we all do when we’re afraid of doing ANYTHING…and it’s great to hear the process put into words):

“Rori, Tonight, after leaning back all day and almost ignoring Carl, he asked me to go listen to a band downtown tonight. I said yes, and we had fun!

Then when he dropped me off at my place, I said “I felt weird when I got that text from you the other day about that girl…”

And then he asked why and I said “Because she’s pretty”…and that “I didn’t know what he meant,” and then he said that he felt like “…maybe he shouldn’t have sent the text because he didn’t want to sound like he was conceited”…and he said “No! I don’t think she’s pretty.”

So I felt pretty silly…but he didn’t freak out or anything, and I said “I don’t want to make a big deal, so thanks for listening…” and he said “Yeah, tell me anytime how you feel.”

…I feel pretty shaky right now, like maybe I shouldn’t have said that, and that I ruined the mood?

But at least it’s out there, right? And maybe it’s good so that the next time something might trigger my jealousy, the open path of communication has been laid. He didn’t seem like he wanted to run away, I just feel embarrassed for looking weak. But maybe I look strong, do you think?

Even if he’s taken aback, I didn’t attack him and I didn’t tell him he had to do anything or not do anything, so hopefully it will be okay?”

Here was my answer to her:

“Bethany, This was totally brilliant! Can you see? – read your letter as if it were someone else – can you see how you used feeling messages and he responded so well?

Can you see how leaning back all day and forgetting about him brought him close? I know it sounds mystical – but that’s exactly the way it works.

I believe a man can feel your energy even from far away. So you work on yourself, and he follows.

He LIKED the way you spoke to him, and he invited you to talk to him about this stuff – you just got closer!

Now – don’t take the backwards step of “maybe I shouldn’t have said that, and that I ruined the mood?” or “But maybe I look strong, do you think? “ – can you see how you’re doubting yourself, analyzing – getting into your head?

When this happens – use all my Tools that come to you to get OUT of your head, and back into your feelings and most of all – your BODY.

Please pat yourself on the back and give yourself the biggest hug for coming this far so fast! Love, Rori”

Here’s how Bethany’s process can help you:  I’m all about the truth – and all about helping YOU tell the truth, no matter how scary it feels.

The first time you try it – let it be about Little things – things that don’t make you feel terrified, but give you a little buzz of excitement in your tummy just thinking about SAYING anything about them – even the weather qualifies sometimes – if we’ve been sitting on our feelings for a long, long time.

Try it, and let me know how it unfolds for you.

Love, Rori

Bethany’s now moved from anguish – to anguish and RAGE, and though she’s trying to cork the rage, it just squeaks out – see if this will help you:

“Hi, Rori, I saw Carl in the computer lab today and I felt angry. He was with a student and the three of us ended up standing around the printer. I couldn’t meet his eyes and then the student asked “So who’s the better teacher?” and he said “She is,” and I said “Oh I don’t know, he has more experience…” or something. Then I asked the student “So is he a hard-ass as a teacher?” I think I meant it to be funny but oh my god, I think it was my anger talking!!!! Shit!!! Then I had to leave.

Now I feel awful like I’ve messed the whole thing up because I didn’t get a chance to say what I feel about that text he sent me (the one about the girl) and I’m just ANGRY, full of RAGE even and it scares me that I would have such a strong reaction to a small thing. Oh my God. I’m sorry I know you’re busy but do you have any ideas about how I can do this without pushing him away with my anger leaking out??? Please, please tell me I haven’t screwed this up? Thank you, Bethany

My answer:

Bethany, First – go to my blog, go to the category Power & Self Esteem, and work through each post in turn, using the comments the other incredible women make for reference, and my posts tweaking them. Do the lists and the flips and the exercises. It will help you get in touch with yourself very quickly.

Now – What you said to him would be thought of by many, many people – including many relationship experts – as “delicious, flirty, cute, a bit bitchy and challenging and totally adorable and attractive.” So – why are you beating yourself up?

Because it didn’t go the way you WANTED it to go.

I don’t even hear what CARL’S reaction to you was.  Perhaps he smiled. (I mean, truthfully – what man would be deeply offended by being thought of as a “bad-ass”? To most men, that would sound kind of “manly.”) And my guess is that you didn’t mention his reaction here because you weren’t THERE for it.

You either walked away and so weren’t there physically, or you immediately went into your head in “damage control” mode and shut down.  You went away emotionally and mentally – didn’t stand by yourself and stay present, and – MOST IMPORTANT – no matter WHAT was happening – put staying CONNECTED to Carl in the number one priority slot.

And that’s why you’re beating yourself up even more.  You wanted to use the moment as an opportunity, and instead you ran.

And I want to say – it’s OKAY that you ran! In fact – it makes total sense that you ran! I totally and completely understand, and I want you to totally and completely understand and be OKAY with it.

I still run sometimes, we all do it – and it’s just part of the journey, part of being human, part of the ups and downs of doing my methods and healing yourself – BECAUSE – we can only go so fast.

We can’t go any faster than our systems will allow us to go.  If we are deeply traumatized – we simply CAN’T stay there and be “connected” when we’re feeling so terrified (which is what triggering our old traumas does – it feels terrifying).

Almost all of us are traumatized to some degree, and I know, from working with you, that you are – right now – smack in the middle of working through your very deeply ingrained defenses against your very deep and real traumas.

So give yourself a break, okay?

The way to move at lightening speed, the way to move quickly – is simply to PRACTICE.  That means, by hanging in there with Carl, you are practicing. You are allowing yourself to be constantly triggered, and you are working to go through the steps you need to go through in order to clear away some of your “frozen defenses,” and clear away the instinctive traumatic reactions.

You cannot move this mountain all at once, so stop trying.  Just do the Tools, one at a time.  Write speeches, and say the truth and your feelings as much as you can.

Practice saying EVERYTHING – about the weather, the movie, the coffee – in Feeling Messages for practice.

You’ll see an improvement in your ability to give up your “Stance” and go into “Strong Surrender” (in Commitment Blueprint and Modern Siren) – and experience your anger as FUEL for yourself instead of as this barb-like defense you’ve always used it for.  You’ll experience your anger as MUCH BETTER-FEELING than fear and depression, and you’ll open up more and more of it and see it for what it is – a GOOD thing!

So – for you, Bethany, and for all of you lovely, wonderful, brilliant goddesses on this blog – do NOT beat yourself up – you aren’t allowed. I won’t allow it.  I love you too much. It makes things worse – tighter, more constricted, harder to get to. Use the Tools, work toward getting more and more Present. This is what the Tools are for – you are always working on yourself to raise your consciousness, your awareness, and your ability to feel what you feel and respond in the moment. It’s a process, and it gets easier the more you practice. Just practice.

Bethany, you will see him, you will hear from him. Prepare what you’re going to say – try something like – “…oh my god, I felt so angry. I was shocked at how angry and enraged I was. I was working so hard to stuff it down, I don’t want to do that – I want to be open and straightforward with you, even if I don’t like what you do or what I’m feeling – so I’m just going to spit it out. When you texted me about that girl I felt awful. I just felt so angry. I felt confused. I don’t like feeling angry with you. I don’t like feeling jealous, and I felt that. And I don’t like it.”

Line by line, listening to him after you speak, going with the feelings you have after he speaks…

I can’t guarantee you this man forever. But I can guarantee you that if you practice on him, your relationship will get more intimate and closer – IF HE”S CAPABLE!, and if he’s not the one – the next one will be so much better!

Love, Rori

Bethany is in the middle of a crisis.  The crisis began when she started dating Carl, and it goes on day after day, because, as much as she loves him, she feels awful with him, too:

“Dear Rori, I’m feeling jealous right now. I got a text from Carl not understanding why this girl is dating this one guy we know…I don’t know who she is and I looked her up on facebook, and she’s blond and beautiful and she added Carl as a friend or he added her, I don’t know. Why would he text me that? And I’m blond too and his “type”..what if he’s attracted to her? I know from your e-letters that you say men can have a physical reaction to a woman but still feel nothing for her on a deeper level. I get that and it makes sense, but I still feel jealous! I’m trying to stay on my bridge like you talk about, but it’s so hard to not get knocked off! I used the Circular Breathing technique, and it helped a lot, but this thing has got me thrown. Bethany”

Here’s my answer: Bethany – texting you about this was a huge mistake on his part. It’s utterly clueless, and if he told another guy friend he did that – they’d tell him what a jerk he is.

“You have to say to him, when he calls next. Carl I don’t know why you texted me about that girl. I felt extremely jealous and weird when I got it. I’m not that good a sport.” Or something like that. Let him try to explain and listen to him.

You can’t hide your feelings about this – I don’t know what it means, and neither do you – but I’d keep my energy way back with him, make him really work to get close, and get it all very clear in your head and heart why he felt the need to send you the text.

I’m even wondering if he meant the text to go to someone else and sent it to you by mistake.

You’re not wrong to be upset. Just keep feeling and loving your feelings. Love, Rori

And later Bethany wrote again:

“Okay, Rori, thanks–he actually wrote on her facebook wall and she wrote on his…flirting? Yuck, I feel soooo awful…I’m just listening to the Christian Carter interview on your Blueprint program and he keeps talking about playfulness, which I haven’t been with him cause I want to lean back, so I was just going to send him a message with something about how I had a good time this weekend but then I saw that and I don’t want it to look like I’m chasing him, but yeah, I feel majorly triggered and I’m soooo afraid that if I say to him “I feel jealous” that he’s going to run….I’m confused. Have I not been doing enough??? Bethany”

And here’s the universal part of this, and why I’m posting this whole series.  Bethany is SO TRIGGERED – nearly everything this man does or doesn’t do causes her extreme ANGUISH (I know we can all identify with this), that it’s hard for her to step back and see the big picture.

She’s so experiencing fear and pain that she can’t put his actions into perspective. He’s not a “bad guy.”  He’s just young, inexperienced, and clueless.  As are many, many men.

And the cure for all this is confidence – but not HIS confidence – OUR confidence.

So – how can we build OUR confidence when we feel so “thrown”? Just to start – let’s get some PERSPECTIVE.

1. Use my Zoom Out Tool from Commitment Blueprint and/or my “Wings” Tools from The Modern Siren – it’s about flying up and looking down – seeing you, your man, and ALL the men in the world at the same time – keeping them ALL in view, noticing how your man is just one among millions.

2. Use my breathing Tools in Blueprint to calm yourself (all you need is something to take the edge off each time you feel Triggered), use the Power & Self Esteem Tools here to Accept, Love & Embrace your feelings instead of trying to shove them down (it’s the resistance to our feelings that causes all the anxiety, anguish and most of the pain).

3. Give yourself permission to take this journey.  As long as you don’t shut down all your other options – even what feels like a tortured love affair is a great learning experience.

Remember – it’s NOT about what HE’S DOING, or what he’s saying or who he is.  It’s about YOU, and what being with him brings up in YOU.

After you allow yourself to experience what this feels like, and use EVERY situation to learn to SPEAK THE TRUTH in feeling messages, to abide by the Rori Raye Mantra and always be looking for opportunities to Give Up Control, you’ll start to be able to simply CHOOSE the experiences and situations that FEEL BETTER.

It’s hard to know what to choose when you are only experiencing the same thing over and over again, feeling stuck there.

As you expand yourself and your experience, and ALLOW yourself to get triggered and work through it – you’ll be amazed – you will come out the other side so much stronger than you could have ever believed.

Love, Rori

Sex is a delicate negotiation – even when you’re long married.

How to get it started, how to make sure it’s good, how to end it and move on to the next moment of being in a relationship.

Bethany is working her way through all that – getting to orgasm in an organic, easy, fulfilling and self-responsible way – even though she feels tense and anxious and worried about nearly every aspect of her life, her relationship, and any kind of sexual or sensual experience with her man:

“Dear Rori, I had a few moments of letting go yesterday–in the car as we were driving out of town, I felt myself slow down and drift outside the car for a bit, then he reached for my hand out of nowhere!

Sex–didn’t do it, but he was touching me down there and I felt like I was about to come, then I said just that because it just came out of my mouth, then he stopped because he thought I said it in distress like I didn’t want to…?

I felt disappointed…then he asked me how I was feeling, and I said “I feel disappointed.” Then he tried to fix it by touching me again, but I wasn’t feeling responsive then.   I did say “it’s okay, it doesn’t have to be tonight.”

And later, she wrote me this:

“Rori, I think all my wanting and needing him is about want and need to control where this is going…that’s the hardest part! I can’t get there until I get through the present and build good moments with him, so my biggest challenge is going to be getting a handle on my obsessive thoughts.”

My answer was simple, and I want you to see, too, how well Bethany is doing, and how some magical things – small, but still magical – are happening -

I said – Bethany, some really wonderful moments here. Can you see the link between your turning your focus away from him and onto other things – and then he shows up? That’s the way it works.

Notice – all Bethany did was turn her attention away from her man for just one second, and he picked up on it and reached over.  What we’re working on now is what happens next – when he shows up, when he touches her or is sweet and affectionate and attentive – how warm and open and receptive and RECEIVING can she be – whether it’s about sex or just sharing a meal.

Let me know your thoughts, Love, Rori