Have The Relationship You Want

Bethany is in the middle of a crisis.  The crisis began when she started dating Carl, and it goes on day after day, because, as much as she loves him, she feels awful with him, too:

“Dear Rori, I’m feeling jealous right now. I got a text from Carl not understanding why this girl is dating this one guy we know…I don’t know who she is and I looked her up on facebook, and she’s blond and beautiful and she added Carl as a friend or he added her, I don’t know. Why would he text me that? And I’m blond too and his “type”..what if he’s attracted to her? I know from your e-letters that you say men can have a physical reaction to a woman but still feel nothing for her on a deeper level. I get that and it makes sense, but I still feel jealous! I’m trying to stay on my bridge like you talk about, but it’s so hard to not get knocked off! I used the Circular Breathing technique, and it helped a lot, but this thing has got me thrown. Bethany”

Here’s my answer: Bethany – texting you about this was a huge mistake on his part. It’s utterly clueless, and if he told another guy friend he did that – they’d tell him what a jerk he is.

“You have to say to him, when he calls next. Carl I don’t know why you texted me about that girl. I felt extremely jealous and weird when I got it. I’m not that good a sport.” Or something like that. Let him try to explain and listen to him.

You can’t hide your feelings about this – I don’t know what it means, and neither do you – but I’d keep my energy way back with him, make him really work to get close, and get it all very clear in your head and heart why he felt the need to send you the text.

I’m even wondering if he meant the text to go to someone else and sent it to you by mistake.

You’re not wrong to be upset. Just keep feeling and loving your feelings. Love, Rori

And later Bethany wrote again:

“Okay, Rori, thanks–he actually wrote on her facebook wall and she wrote on his…flirting? Yuck, I feel soooo awful…I’m just listening to the Christian Carter interview on your Blueprint program and he keeps talking about playfulness, which I haven’t been with him cause I want to lean back, so I was just going to send him a message with something about how I had a good time this weekend but then I saw that and I don’t want it to look like I’m chasing him, but yeah, I feel majorly triggered and I’m soooo afraid that if I say to him “I feel jealous” that he’s going to run….I’m confused. Have I not been doing enough??? Bethany”

And here’s the universal part of this, and why I’m posting this whole series.  Bethany is SO TRIGGERED - nearly everything this man does or doesn’t do causes her extreme ANGUISH (I know we can all identify with this), that it’s hard for her to step back and see the big picture.

She’s so experiencing fear and pain that she can’t put his actions into perspective. He’s not a “bad guy.”  He’s just young, inexperienced, and clueless.  As are many, many men.

And the cure for all this is confidence - but not HIS confidence - OUR confidence.

So - how can we build OUR confidence when we feel so “thrown”? Just to start - let’s get some PERSPECTIVE.

1. Use my Zoom Out Tool from Commitment Blueprint and/or my “Wings” Tools from The Modern Siren - it’s about flying up and looking down - seeing you, your man, and ALL the men in the world at the same time - keeping them ALL in view, noticing how your man is just one among millions.

2. Use my breathing Tools in Blueprint to calm yourself (all you need is something to take the edge off each time you feel Triggered), use the Power & Self Esteem Tools here to Accept, Love & Embrace your feelings instead of trying to shove them down (it’s the resistance to our feelings that causes all the anxiety, anguish and most of the pain).

3. Give yourself permission to take this journey.  As long as you don’t shut down all your other options - even what feels like a tortured love affair is a great learning experience.

Remember - it’s NOT about what HE’S DOING, or what he’s saying or who he is.  It’s about YOU, and what being with him brings up in YOU.

After you allow yourself to experience what this feels like, and use EVERY situation to learn to SPEAK THE TRUTH in feeling messages, to abide by the Rori Raye Mantra and always be looking for opportunities to Give Up Control, you’ll start to be able to simply CHOOSE the experiences and situations that FEEL BETTER.

It’s hard to know what to choose when you are only experiencing the same thing over and over again, feeling stuck there.

As you expand yourself and your experience, and ALLOW yourself to get triggered and work through it - you’ll be amazed - you will come out the other side so much stronger than you could have ever believed.

Love, Rori

Sex is a delicate negotiation - even when you’re long married.

How to get it started, how to make sure it’s good, how to end it and move on to the next moment of being in a relationship.

Bethany is working her way through all that - getting to orgasm in an organic, easy, fulfilling and self-responsible way - even though she feels tense and anxious and worried about nearly every aspect of her life, her relationship, and any kind of sexual or sensual experience with her man:

“Dear Rori, I had a few moments of letting go yesterday–in the car as we were driving out of town, I felt myself slow down and drift outside the car for a bit, then he reached for my hand out of nowhere!

Sex–didn’t do it, but he was touching me down there and I felt like I was about to come, then I said just that because it just came out of my mouth, then he stopped because he thought I said it in distress like I didn’t want to…?

I felt disappointed…then he asked me how I was feeling, and I said “I feel disappointed.” Then he tried to fix it by touching me again, but I wasn’t feeling responsive then.   I did say “it’s okay, it doesn’t have to be tonight.”

And later, she wrote me this:

“Rori, I think all my wanting and needing him is about want and need to control where this is going…that’s the hardest part! I can’t get there until I get through the present and build good moments with him, so my biggest challenge is going to be getting a handle on my obsessive thoughts.”

My answer was simple, and I want you to see, too, how well Bethany is doing, and how some magical things - small, but still magical - are happening -

I said - Bethany, some really wonderful moments here. Can you see the link between your turning your focus away from him and onto other things - and then he shows up? That’s the way it works.

Notice - all Bethany did was turn her attention away from her man for just one second, and he picked up on it and reached over.  What we’re working on now is what happens next - when he shows up, when he touches her or is sweet and affectionate and attentive - how warm and open and receptive and RECEIVING can she be - whether it’s about sex or just sharing a meal.

Let me know your thoughts, Love, Rori