Have The Relationship You Want

Here’s the next step in Bethany’s work – completely overhauling and reversing her opinion of herself, taking herself out of “doormat” mode and putting herself into “goddess” mode, having Boundaries and yet being soft, open, warm and inviting, advocating for herself and her ENTIRE life – not just the part of it she shares with Carl:

“Rori, After I e-mailed you I decided to let my feelings take me–I laid down on my bed and felt sad and angry and I even moaned a little.  Then I went downstairs after I felt a little better and he called me!

I didn’t feel angry when I picked up the phone.  I felt good and he came over and we watched the debate and I tried to speak my feelings but it was hard because to have a conversation you have to sometimes go into your head, right?

He would sometimes lay his head on my shoulder and I didn’t really like that because it felt like something a girl would do–also he says “I feel” a lot, although it’s always masculine “I feel that” “I feel like” messages.  I did say I felt “debate-fatigued” and he pulled me into him, and that felt good.

I just rested against his body and felt warm with his arm around me.  Afterward we talked excitedly about going away for the weekend and then we went up to my room and made out for a few minutes on my bed, he touched my breasts and touched me “down there,” then he had to go.

I felt weird while we were doing this because while I tried to breathe through my vagina my mind was telling me that we were rushing through the physical stuff.  Then he pulled me up and left.  I feel weird–I sooooo want him to say the things he said a couple weeks ago like “Bethany, you’re amazing” and share with me, but he didn’t.  I feel needy.

I like the physical stuff, but it’s conventional wisdom that if you do too much too soon that he won’t value you as much.  I have to figure out what I’m going to say and do in the car–come up with some “I feels” beforehand. Thanks, Bethany”

Here’s my answer:

Bethany – this is all about how you feel – and about turning that “needy” feeling into a relaxed, comfortable place of not knowing what’s going to happen next and not being attached to the outcome.  I know – it’s a tricky place to even imagine being – but that’s where it’s at.

Forget about “conventional wisdom.” What anyone else thinks about relationships has NOT steered us right in the past – so forget about it.  What Carl values is what YOU value.  If YOU value the sex you want to have with him, whatever that is – they HE’LL find it valuable.

A man will have exactly the opinion of you that YOU have of you – no matter WHAT you do!

You can swing from a chandelier and have sex with him all night after meeting him for two minutes – and if YOU value YOU – HE’LL think you’re MAGICAL.

In your letter, where you say this: “while I tried to breathe through my vagina my mind was telling me that we were rushing through the physical stuff…”

…I think that feeling RUSHED was a physical sensation for you – and then it went up to your head as a judgment – trying to make sense of the sensation and figure out what to do with it.

If you flip that “problem” of “what do I do when I’m feeling rushed?” – you’ll get “I want to take my time…”

Even if it’s a “quickie,” YOU want to feel in the spirit of the moment…feel connected and swept up in the tempo…you want your feelings and sensations to go WITH the tempo…you want to stay connected to yourself…

So – what would you say?

How about “Whoa…I feel like I’m not breathing…that feels so good…I feel like I’m getting ahead of myself here…I’m feeling overwhelmed…I’m feeling slower…It would feel good to slow down…”

Just look for moments of feeling like this – and write them down with the words to say that feel exactly like the true feeiings you’re experiencing, and these moments will increase.  Love, Rori

***This is such a universal problem for all of us – when to speak and when to be quiet, what to say, what not to say, how to say what you feel, how to say what you mean.

So – sit down and write out some of your situations where you felt uncomfortable and totally stuck about what to say…write out what you did say and how that worked, what you stuffed down and what happened next.

You can see that the moment Bethany felt “Rushed” – Carl stopped.  He sat up and said goodbye.  This isn’t mind reading – he could feel her “energy” drift away from him.

Let me know your thoughts and feelings here…Love, Rori

Here’s the next letter from Bethany – You can see how she’s working the Tools, feeling so much more, expressing herself in Feeling Messages, doing the Tools from the Power & Self-Esteem category on this blog and getting much better results with her men:

“Rori,
 
Okay, well, I’m going away with him for the weekend!  I felt really good last night and called and told him that I was ready for a road trip.  I felt upbeat and that translated well over the phone, I think.  So we said goodnight, then he called and asked if I would look at one of the stories he’s writing for a class and I said yes, he sent it to me, I called him back and told him what I thought. 

He thanked me, we had some back and forth, and then he asked if I was going to bed soon, I said yes, then he texted me later to say thanks and goodnite and I texted back to say goodnite but I used a feeling message: “Feels good when you let me read your stuff” or something like that.
 
So I saw him today in the office as I suspected, and as I’d been practicing my dance position - I Leaned Back and did it as best as I could.  He asked me some bullshit questions and I couldn’t think of anything!  I didn’t have anything prepared, I admit.  So then he left and I practiced all day, still thinking about him, still obsessing but working on dropping my thoughts. 

Then I missed a text from him about watching the pres. debates tonight I texted him back about two hours later with a “sure!”  and didn’t get anything back, but then I remembered he has class until 7 p.m. so I felt good again.  But now it’s almost 7:30 and the debate starts in half an hour and he hasn’t texted or called!  I feel angry and sad and frustrated at him. 

I’m stuffing it…I tried the wave thing from Modern Siren and I feel myself rocking with anger.  I feel embarrassed for being so angry about this, but how can I feel relaxed this weekend if I’m mad and disappointed about him not calling/texting?  I feel like throwing up.  I feel like punching him in the face.  How am I supposed to not stuff my feelings when/if he calls or texts?  I hate texting.
 
I wonder if he’s kind of immature.  Maybe too immature?  I don’t know.  This must have something to do with my “Stranger” but she’s not saying anything to me.  Her name is Elvira.  She’s pissed right now.
 
I feel like he doesn’t care about me if he’s not going to call me back/text me right away.  I feel like throwing up. Bethany”

I had a very simple answer for her: Bethany – You’re doing FANTASTIC! – Just keep going.  The anger is SO much BETTER than the depression, fear, sadness – AND he called when you let go…that’s the way it works. Love, Rori

 

 

Have you ever felt like you were stuck in a hole with your relationship, and that everything you do, say and think is digging you in deeper and making you feel more scared, upset, angry and miserable?

Not only have I felt like that, so many of my clients start out like that. In my newsletters, I jump off of a lot of letters from you, and I wanted to do more of that here…so I asked several of my clients who work with me through email as a part of their coaching program with me if they’d be willing to let me publish all our dialogues – and Bethany said “Yes” –

- so you’ll be able to follow Bethany step-by-step through her progress with her man, Carl – and apply everything she’s learning – all the baby-steps and everything that comes up for her – to YOUR progress and your love life. I’m also looking forward to your comments, and your wisdom and advice and your own story to help and support Bethany as she goes through this to get what she wants…

Here’s where Bethany was when she came to me: She’d been dating Carl for about a month, and she likes him a LOT, and is feeling overwhelmed with fear that she’s going to mess it up. She’s a wonderfully smart woman who, like so most of us, finds herself in her head most of the time – trying to solve things, figure things out, guess what her man is thinking and doing and why he is, second-guess herself, and pretty much beat herself up about everything.

Because Bethany has all of my programs, I was able to pull out ideas and Tools for her to work with, and actually walk her through them and give her support for dropping all her need to take responsibility for everything and to control everything (this will be the most important thing for you to work with, too – dropping control – both the need from your inside, and the action you take around control on the outside, so see, as you read Bethany’s words, if you can notice how YOU’RE doing the same things, and work alongside her…)

The way I work with clients is to give them homework – Tools to practice. And then I hold them “accountable” for practicing by asking them to email me about their practice – what Tools they tried, how they felt, what happened. So – I want you to use this blog in the exact same way. Let me know how your practice is going so we can all move forward together…

Here’s Bethany’s first “check-in” letter after our first session:

“Dear Rori, I practiced the dance position beginning today right after we spoke. I kept having to remind myself of all the different steps, but as I did it, I noticed that more people LOOKED at me, as if they could feel me! And then, the hard part: my guy Carl called me on the phone. I felt flustered because I was in the office and the ring was loud, but I leaned back in my chair, unzippered my heart, dropped my thoughts to my pelvis, and answered with a simple “Hello?”

“He said, ‘Bethany?’ and then I just said ‘Yes’ – I got freaked and forgot to say that it felt good to hear his voice. I coughed and he said something about how he was sorry to hear I had a cough and I said “I feel frustrated that it won’t go away…but I feel like it’s maybe getting better” (Stuffing alert! I wanted to sound poised here.)

Then he said “I was wondering if you still wanted to go out of town with me on Friday, I know we’d talked about it earlier and I understand if you’ve changed your mind, but I just wanted to touch base on that.” I didn’t know what to say! I was trying to let my pelvis come up with something – but it didn’t so I said “I don’t know…it would be fun” and then he said “I think so.” (*Note from Rori -Bethany and I worked on bringing all her thinking down to her pelvis, and talking from her vagina – to loosen everything up and anchor herself.)

Then I asked if I could let him know later because I wanted to make sure I had all my work done. I don’t know what to do!! I hope I didn’t screw anything up…then he said “one advantage is that I’ll drive and so you can do some work…” I sooo want to go and have a good time but I keep thinking oh, well if I don’t go then he’ll feel rejected and lose interest in me. Then he said, “well, I’ll let you go and get back to your work.”

I felt disappointed that he didn’t want to make plans to get together later tonight, so I just said “okay,” and we said goodbye (I feel disappointed!) I feel icky about myself and I don’t know what to do. I want to go and have a good time but all my thoughts are telling me that I’ll mess it up. I wanted to say yes right away, but I think I wanted to seem like the kind of girl that doesn’t just say yes to going away for the weekend…there I go, stuffing! I keep doing this wrong. Bethany”

Here’s my answer:

Bethany – You are doing NOTHING WRONG!!! You are doing everything right.  Your first paragraph about people looking at you as if they could feel you was brilliant!! Just keep that going, it’s working for you.

You  did well in the phone conversation.  Okay – GO WITH HIM!  Next time he calls, say it would feel great to be with him away for the weekend, then let him put the whole thing together and pick you up – put your sexiest, cutest, best feeling clothes and stuff together and GO!  Just do your best to stay out of your head and stop judging yourself constantly – keep touching things and petting yourself and hugging yourself and talking nice to yourself… 

Whenever you get in your head and anxious – just say the word FUN over and over – you’re there to have Fun – not to accomplish anything.  If you catch yourself judging yourself – just say Oh well to yourself and move to happy thoughts that are TRUE.  You have tomorrow and Friday to keep working at this – you’re a fast learner – just do the Tools and you’ll be fine!!  You aren’t screwing anything up. 

He LIKES you – he may even LOVE you – just do your best to keep track of your body, your sensations, and talk them into letting go.  If you can’t speak feelings to him – write them down….

About sex – you might feel frightened of saying no – you can try “everything but intercourse,” with both of you having orgasms – is that okay?  It would be great if you could cut loose in that way – or – make him sleep on the floor or the couch, or ask him what HE thinks you should do? 

You can’t go wrong here, Love, Rori

I’ll post Bethany’s check-in letter and my answer in each post in this series – please let me know how working along with her works for you…