Have The Relationship You Want

Here’s a great situation and question to work with from “Crippled By Hurt”:

The Question:

“I too found the love of my life and ruined it. He moved in too fast, right out of another relationship. He was going to find an apartment but everything went so well. I was so happy.

Then we started looking for a house (to rent) together because my apartment was too small for me, him and my teen daughter. We have been together for 8 months. We got a house, that he hates because we had to move fast due to issues with apartment. We had started fighting a lot and he kept saying we moved in too fast.

I had become paranoid, questioning every female friendship, everything he tells me. I am extremely insecure, even though cognitively I know I am attractive and particularly to him. He is still working out practical issues with his soon-to be ex wife and he has a very demanding tech job (works from home). Two weeks after we moved into a home (that I cannot afford alone) he moved out.

We are still together but he said he needed space and was not happy because of all the crazy drama and fighting. He is still paying his portion of the rent. I More…

Here’s a question  from Sandi that I’ve turned into a full post:

” Rori, Hello, I had a quick question, I had a amazing relationship that started off with everything I have ever wanted ..as my feelings grew stronger and turned into a deep love I started to let my nasty voice win ..rule my insecurities about how he really felt about me instead of just trusting what I knew to be true which was his mutual growing love and commitment for me …

I became the overdoer, become needy, a constant worrier and I took control ..pretty much did every “Don’t Do”~ and the result was I ended up pushing him away and that just made me go into fix it mode and try showing him the amazing person I know I More…

Here’s a great story (and I consider it a success story…) from Lindsay–>>

Dear Rori,

I have been reading your articles for probably a year and as I read each one it seems like you are speaking directly to me and my life. With your help and the help of other advice I pulled myself through a relationship “break-up” which I thought was a relationship break-down.” This is my condensed story.

I had been with a man for 8 years. Both of us were divorced and we dated and stuck together through raising three boys of my own and his two girls. Of course, we never moved in together but in my heart and mind I thought one day we would be married. Through the years we argued on numerous occasions because in my mind he was a “liar.”

He would constantly not answer his phone, he often not tell me the whole truth about his plans and many times he would be out of town without me ever More…

Here’s a great guest post…

by Dr. Sheri Meyers

You just got dumped, or maybe you broke up with someone. You just want to curl up and retreat from the world.

It doesn’t matter if it was a long-term relationship, a short-lived cyber affair, an unrequited love or a good friends-with-benefits arrangement. If you cared and connected, you feel a deep and painful void where there was once laughter and affection. It’s like experiencing a small death.

Grieving over your lost love for a short time is understandable, but if you linger too long in the purgatory of how-it-used-to-be, your friends will eventually get tired of hearing you talk about your ex and advise you to “Get over it.”

You agree on some level. You know that you really ought to start getting on with life and move on. Every day starts with that intention. But every night ends with you wanting to call them, check out their Facebook page or look through old photos, just to feel closer to them.

Getting over it. Easy to say. Much harder to do.

And no wonder, because there’s a bio-chemical reason behind the desperation and despair.

Researchers who’ve looked at the brains of the lovelorn say that loss, especially rejection by a romantic partner, lights up areas of the brain that are More…

Here’s a great Guest Post from the great Orna and Matthew Walters:

We know we caused a big commotion a few months back when we commented that in our opinion a man who cheats will do so again…with that same woman.

We’d like to set the record straight about that, and about all breaches of trust.

A man who cheats on a woman is unlikely to be faithful to that woman forever.

The reason for this is that there is something unfulfilling at the core of this relationship and the cheating is/was a symptom of that core mismatch.

We don’t think the situation is hopeless, however we do believe that dramatic changes need to happen in order for the relationship to survive.

This is not something that can change quickly or without effort. There’s a shift that must take place for BOTH parties to rectify and move on – TOGETHER.

If you find that you are married to a man who cheated, and he is begging your forgiveness and wants to stay…here are some parameters for you:

1. Do not rush to forgiveness.

Our emotions are so very important and they must be expressed in order to truly value ourselves.

Often times, we do not want conflict, and so it common to rush into forgiveness.

When we rush to forgiveness we devalue ourselves and our feelings.

We are saying to our partner that we are willing to deny our feelings in order to keep this relationship alive.

That is a recipe for anger and resentment.

First , FEEL everything you are feeling.

Express how you feel with “I” statements.

Utilize all of the tools here on the blog that work with expressing your emotions authentically.

It will be easy to stumble in blaming language, especially when you are angry and hurt.

Your job is to express how you are feeling and to take responsibility for those feelings.

2. Take some space.

Ask him to stay at a hotel for X amount of time.

This is really okay.

You need space to feel your grief, anger, betrayal, etc and having him around the house is just going to make it worse.

You may be worried about losing him if you do this.

Just know that if he wants to save the relationship then he will be willing to honor this request.

If he isn’t willing to abide by your wishes then he probably isn’t worth keeping around.

To be honest, if you’re going to “lose” him, he’ll go regardless of your requests and your actions.

3. Honor how you feel.

Feel the pain of it and nurture yourself at the same time.

This may seem like a contradiction, however it is not.

Take good care of yourself by doing things that allow you to feel whatever you are feeling in the moment.

Take walks, hikes, bike rides, bubble baths… just be with yourself and allow those feeling to flow through you.

It may feel overwhelming at times, but you are capable of handling much more than you know.

When you try to avoid your feelings and keep things under control then you are going to have trouble moving on from this event.

If you want to save the relationship, or if you want to be able to move on to another relationship, then you have to process your feelings around this event.

The goal is to move THROUGH your emotions not gloss over them.

4. Start practicing forgiveness.

Once you feel you have a handle on the grief, now start looking at forgiving him.

Start having some conversations with him and express how you are feeling in the moment (not about what was, but what is right now).

If he wants to make a go of it and you agree to do that (here is the very important part) – Really forgive him and move on.

To be in forgiveness means that it’s behind you. Open your heart to your man, and see him for who he is, and how you feel when you spend time together.

Trust is not on a dimmer switch. Either we trust someone, or we do not.

So if you’re going to go for it, jump in with both feet and TRUST!

If worry is something that comes up for you and it is making you anxious, work with a professional to get support for yourself.

It is important to have an outlet to discuss your worry (and let’s be honest, if this is where you are getting stuck this pattern of worry has been holding you back in all areas of your life – and this is a great opportunity to release this old pattern that is not serving you.)

5. Set up the rules for moving forward.

Ask for what you need. Tell the truth.

It’s perfectly okay to say, “If this ever happens again, you will not have another chance. We will be done.”

Spell it out in your words, in your way – and here is the very hard part – HONOR THAT agreement!

What often happens is that we pick up where we left off in the relationship in a few months… and old habits are difficult to break…but not impossible.

Honor yourself by not falling into sacrifice in the relationship. Know what your needs are, express them, expect him to meet your needs.

6. Clearly explain what you expect from him.

He needs to take action to earn your trust.

Whether it is in learning to express his feelings and ask for what he needs, if you want him to seek help or if you want both of you to seek help, it is ok to ask that he take certain actions to show his desire to repair the relationship.

Hold him to these agreements. Be clear on what your deal breakers are and stick to them. It is important for him to know that there are consequences for his actions.

When you do this then there is no need to be snooping for things, or to be worried about what he may or may not do.

Be clear on what YOU are doing and, how you are feeling when you spend time with him.

Know the saying “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger?”

This is most certainly true in relationship. This could be an amazing opportunity to re-engineer the relationship and create something fabulous!

Love and Abundance,
Orna and Matthew

From Rori: You know I love Orna and Matthew – be sure to go and sign up for their FREE Newsletter–>> http://LoveNotesWeekly.com.

They’re always doing interesting, free stuff, their “Science Of Creating Love” program is fantastic, and they truly walk their talk and have an amazing relationship and can help you do the same.

Love, Rori

Teresa is in pain – and it’s a pain we all know. Pain and fear. And I’m not one to even try to erase it, because I can’t. Don’t even want to. Let’s see, though, how you can work through such an intense and painful experience – where hope for an outcome is compelling you to feel confused about what to do and say – where you feel helpless to create the result you want.

This is actually a traumatic experience – where your life feels like it’s hinged on what a man does – and you KNOW, as much as you want to – that you can’t control what he feels, what he thinks, or what he does.

It feels horrible, and let’s see if we can help her:

“Rori, I love your tapes, and sometimes they hit home more often than I care to admit. My situation, I’m separated. We’ve been together for 11 1/2 years and married almost 5. Last November I got the ‘talk’- ‘I just don’t feel that way for you anymore like I should.’ I’ve tried some of your techniques some have worked, then I think I fall back in that trap again. Just when I think I’m coping with everything OK – I get that low, lonely feeling again.

Lonely sucks – no matter how you try to wrap it – it sucks! I want to save my marriage, I want our marriage to be better than it was. I’m just stuck. I have More…

Here’s a comment from Amy that speaks for all of us at one time or another:

“Rori, does it really work? I tried all the feel good factor for yourself stuff and yet I am still suffering from missing my ex who has not contacted me for one month since the break up. Accepting is really hard.”

Here’s my answer:

Amy – welcome, and here’s the deal:

We suffer.

And…so what?

Who said you had to “accept” – WHAT?

You’re broken up.  He’s gone.  That’s what IS.

Grieving and sadness and pain are feelings we feel.

The depth of those unhappy feelings has a lot to do with subconscious impulses and triggers that More…

Here’s a great question from Karen – something that each of us deal with about many things – not just a man – but it always seems like the man is the most difficult…

“Hi. Do you have any tips on how to really, really, focus on yourself and try to forget the person who broke your heart?

I wrote to you in April and you did help me a lot. I am still working (two jobs), volunteering, getting out there, signing up for classes, dating myself, wearing nice clothes. I also whitened the teeth, lightened the hair, painted the nails (and toes!). Speak mostly in feeling messages to everyone. Every day is a new way to remember and try to More…

We’re just so conditioned to “move on” from a man -  that we subject ourselves to pain and misery that’s just not necessary.

Really.

You don’t need to make yourself miserable and “break up” with a man just to get on with your life!!

We all think you have to have a “clean break.”  And for some of us – that’s the only thing that works – but for me, and for my clients who’re willing to try this “Third Way” – it’s a completely different experience – something pretty amazing that makes you FEEL the power you actually, truly HAVE!

Who said you had to be exclusive?  Who said you have to be “true blue”? What exactly does all that mean?  What is a relationship anyway? More…

I started to reply to Kate’s comment, then it triggered me big time and turned into a long piece – so here’s Kate’s comment and my jump-off:

“I am somewhat sad right now and don’t know how to figure this out. I know you and I have a lot of common similarities and maybe you can help sort this out for me. This past weekend I broke up with my boyfriend. I know I still love him or at least I feel we have all of the great things people want in a relationship: More…