Have The Relationship You Want

I love it when we tap into our “boundaries.”  Where we draw a line in the sand and stick to it.  It feels good, it feels powerful, and it’s terrifically attractive to a man.

Only thing is…can your line in the sand be …”wrong”?  No – I say it can’t be wrong – but it can either serve you or not serve you.

And the only reason I ask this – is because this is what we do to ourselves day in and day out – we second-guess ourselves.  We beat ourselves up if we had a moment’s doubt about something we did, thought or said – and then things don’t work out.  We want order and control – when the truth is – chaos is where the fun is.

Here’s a comment from Erika, who’s voice I miss here – not just because she knows her stuff around a lot of things that’s helpful, but because she’s distinctive.  She makes her mind up.  Then she backs herself up.  Then, if things don’t work out, or if she feels bad, she’s willing to change course without making herself either the victim or the perpetrator.  She doesn’t beat herself up, because that’s the one thing Erika’s work is all about – you love yourself unconditionally, and then everything else rights itself.

This…however…is a very controversial comment because of the “line in the sand” Erika draws…and I’m going to weigh in on it here: More…

This whole business of what to do after a breakup (especially if it’s a really unclear breakup, with no closure, and you’re feeling frustrated about all the things that didn’t get said on top of the grief and pain your feeling), when he keeps trying to call you and wants to be “friends” with you even though it causes you even MORE grief and pain and frustration – actually can open up a real, specific and huge opportunity to change a big piece of the attitude that’s not working for you here and shift it more in the direction of your inner “diva” (the good diva part).

Here’s a letter from Jane, who’s stuck in this tiny place where you’re still concerned about how what you do and say will “land” with him than you are about what you really want:

“Rori, I get what you say about not being friends with a man after a breakup if you still have feelings for him, but I don’t know what to say if and when he calls. I guess I should say I don’t want to be friends? What should I say as the reason why? Your last newsletter (If You Love Him Don’t Be a Friend) took a load off my mind, because that’s what I was worried about, falling into that trap of friends with benefits, and your explanation is dead on. I already told him when he dumped me More…

Ahh – The office romance.  Pleasure.  Pain. Terror.  Humiliation.  Purgatory ever after because you have to see him every day no matter what happens.

Jim and Pam from “The Office” made it work.  But how often DOESN’T IT?  So -

Question…since you’re likely to meet many good men who have similar interests in your workplace – should you avoid dating a man from work because of the possible pain later on?  Or should you date who you like and get a procedure together so you can be just fine if a love affair doesn’t end up in marriage?

I say that life is not about avoiding pain …but about moving toward pleasure.  Always.  so the key here, for me, is not to avoid dating someone – and notice I say ‘date” and not “involved” or “invested” – because we’re Circular Dating, here, and that will help you so much.

The key is to “date” a man along with other men, and to not take ANYTHING SERIOUSLY – no matter WHAT or HOW you feel about him – until there’s a ring on your finger and a wedding date on the calendar.

So – let’s look at this comment from LJ (I’ll shorten it here…) and see how all this pain is happening, how you can prevent it from ever happening to you (and LJ – from it every happening again…) – and how we can help LJ get out of pain NOW.

“Hi Rori and READERS…need help please…
I am trying really hard to get myself together these days but the pain and anguish from my broken relationship is consuming me at times. I was with this man for 4 years and I work with him. His office is literally around the corner from mine. The last year we were together, i always felt that something was “off”. Basically, i realize now that I sort of gave my power away to him. Last December, he got upset with me about something I found to be a minor disagreement and basically gave me the silent treatment for about 3 1/2 weeks and all through the holidays. I was shocked, felt abandoned, rejected and could not believe why, how, etc. he was doing this. Out of my emotionally chaotic state at the time and confusion, i did the typical thing some women would do..text him, call him, write a letter…he wound up finally talking with me and we went back to being with each other..looking back though, i realize i never fully got a real explanation (i got a b.s one) and he never apologized.

That was in December of last year..After that..it seemed that our relationship was “off”…we still had good times, but there was less calls from him…less affection throughout…i was the one always making plans with him..not the other way around…i was not being treated the same way that I was the first 3 years when everything seemed so great and we were so close and he would always go out of his way for me. I realized that months after this silent treatment incident that I had been walking on eggshells around him…that the relationship had changed….that i had really lost trust for him…and i wanted so badly for things to be the way they used to be so I was trying harder and harder, and in doing so was holding in alot of my feelings, and watching what I would say as not to “rock the boat” with him for fear of getting yelled at, him getting angry, and/or given the silent treatment by him…

Throughout the time we were togethr…i have dealt with that silent treatment crap at least a few occasions..when he got mad…and i felt like i was abandoned, and disrespected each time……well…this past august…i went out of town, as did he…i went on a family trip..he was going to a wedding…and i realized that when he didn’t ask me to the wedding, and when he made no attempt to see me prior to me leaving town for 11 days when i clearly let him know I wanted to see him…that it was time to talk (clear the air of everything) and find out what the hell was up….I was scared in a sense to talk to him, b ut told myself I had to…see where we stood, etc….so i told myself i was going to talk with him when i returned from my trip….when i got back..we hung out a couple times..and then while we seemed to be on good terms..i called him..was pleasant and nice and said that I wanted to talk with him..told him i felt confused…disconnected and didn’t wanted to feel that way…and said i just wanted to talk about some things….wwell..upon getting of the phone he was suppose to get back with me the next day letting me know when we’d meet…he never did…a week went by and i was angry…i went into his office…confronted him about not getting back to me…we got in an argument…and that was that…4 months ago…

For 2 months after that..i didn’t approach him or say anything to him…i figured that if he cared..he come after me…However…after about 2 months i periodically started texted him …wrote him a letter about the incident in his office….(non blaming..very neutral letter..)…in which he never responded…about a month ago..we were at a work party together…i was bold and went up to talk to him..(iwas being flirty…this is probably the stupidest thing i could of done..but hey…i still love the guy..4 years with him and i am so confused)…i pulled him on the dance floor that night for a song as well….after he left the party and after a few drinks..and me feeling a lil emotional..i wind up telling one of my ex’s friends) that I love my ex…(which is true)….well, obviously that I assume made its way back to my ex… 2 days later at work…my ex comes by my office and has a letter…he hands it to me and out of his mouth says..”special delivery”….

I want to tell you what the letter said……..Here goes….(many words were cap..and underline…lot of anger)……..”We can never have the same type of relationship as we did before.”..”If You want to deal with me–here’s the deal!! “..1)” I will not promise to not mess around with other women..i did that for 3 years and received repeated accussations of f****** other women”….”Never again!!!!”….(note here…i only asked him about other women after the silent treatment episodes)……2) “We Can be F*** buddies, or Friends w/ benefits…or NOT!!!”, 3) “I Will Not be your Boyfriend…whatever that means….you see who you want as will I”,
4) “we can be friends”, 5) “Whatever you decide, you owe me an apology for disrespected me in my office the way you did!”…………..this was the letter, word for word…and then he signed and dated it……..this was a month ago…i never responded or anything….i have just ignored him since then…but I’m telling you…it’s so painful…i have to hear him talkin g everyday…..he’s right there b/c we work together….I don’t understand this at all how someone who you’ve been with 4 years and you thought you had something special with can treat me this way….I loved this guy…never did him wrong….you would think that when your with somone a long time and even if the relationship was going to end or he wanted it too…that two people could have an adult, mature conversation…that’s all I wanted…or needed..if that was the case…there was no talk…no closure…no resolution…nothing…just him blowing me off when i wanted to talk and an argument…and them him treating me in this cruel, degrading way….i am heartbroken still after 4 months….i hate him…i love him..i’m clear on things…then I’m confused…it’s just this huge shock element…it’s enough to drive a person insane…..lately…i am not only angry with him but am angry with myself for putting up with some of the b.s. i did over the last few months we were together….

but I am really angry at myself for not responding to that letter…i had friends telling me that it would be best to ignore it, and others telling me to write something…..it’s been a month….and a part of me feels like it’s too late to write him something…lbut I’m telling you…i feel so violated, and angry, and emotional abused from this situation and I feel like in not responding to him that I looked weak and he seems to walk around the office acting like he doesn’t have care in the world…I wonder if he ever did care about me….over the last several months i have been working on me…and when I see him lately i don’t say anything…if he says hi..i say hi back…but that’s it……i’m trying to empower myself again…

but I can’t shake the feeling that he wrote that letter to show control, dominance, and totally devalue me for some reason…and i feel like he’s “WON” in some sick sense in his mind because i didn’t say anything back….it’s so hard working in the same environment with him while I’m trying to heal….does anyone have any words of wisdom, or can anyone relate to my situation…i’m struggling and would just love to hear from some of the readers and what you would do…if you would respond..say something…etc…….thank you so much……”

And here’s my answer:

This is the problem with office romance, dating a guy in your  band or your leading man in the play or the movie.

You have to see him again and deal somehow.

This requires you being a Rock Star – and you have to get there FAST.

I wish it were easy to change jobs or change offices or change floors – and you may still opt to do that if you can.

This whole thing is about Circular Dating and what happens when you DON’T heed my warnings, and insist on being invested in and exclusive with ANY man you are not engaged to with a wedding date.  Period.

Marriages break up all the time – and so many women say they never saw it coming…so you can imagine how many “relationships” blow up as if a man has changed completely as a person.

Imagine – let’s say you met an incredible man, or two or three, and were out dancing every night, having great sex with one of those men, and feeling like a million bucks.  Would you feel differently about seeing this man who’s behaved so badly toward you?  Or would you insist, being run by your subconscious, on still pining after him?

I would say the chances are 50/50.

Unbelievably, we so often opt for pain.

Even when we’re actually in bliss somewhere else, we want to experience the pain of being in the old, painful place.

Thus – the cycle you speak of, Lj – where, when a man withdraws, we feel compelled to go chase him with all guns blazing.

Well – what would happen if we just stopped doing that at the BEGINNING?  At the first moment he gets distant, or doesn’t call, or disapears, or doesn’t invite us someplace we think we should be invited, like a wedding, after 4 years.

(Oh – and this is likely a whole new post – but if a relationship isn’t moving toward marriage after a year – the chances of it ever going to marriage get smaller and smaller with each passing day – that’s why it’s SO important to NEVER fall into the “Girlfriend Trap.” 4 years is WAY too long to be hanging around like this…your chances of being in pain go UP with each passing day.)

Well – LJ – let’s go back those 4 years.  I’m guessing that you could find the FIRST TIME this man pulled away from you.  And that at that time, you did the chasing thing.  And that’s how your “pattern” got established with this man.

And every time he withdrew and you chased and overfunctioned – a little bit of the attraction and connection went out of the relationship – and his true nature and true character (which are pretty shoddy, don’t you think?) got hidden beneath all the chasing and overfunctioning.  Every day he began to look like more of a “prize” – when, in fact, every day he was actually looking and feeling to you like more of a “prick.”  (And this is how we get into labeling and judging men, instead of asking ourselves “Why am I here?”)

Now – I don’t want to judge him, which is so easy to do from your letter – because that’s just NOT THE POINT!  That’s just not where your power is, and judging him is not the fastest way to get your power back. I only care about (and only want YOU to care about) how it might have felt for you – and how you must have smushed your anger under the rug so many times. You must have thought he was behaving like a “prick” – and that anger, stuffed down, just made you act more “nice.”

The truth is – he’s not necessarily a “prick.”  He simply was not behaving like someone you’d want to be around.  I mean – look at this…if a man isn’t showing you he wants you – why would you want him?  I mean….really?

And don’t answer – “Oh, I love him…” Because you CAN’T.  You can’t love a man who doesn’t love you and treat you well.  Sorry.  That’s the Stockholm Syndrome.  That’s what captives feel for their persecutors.  That’s what Jaycee Lee Dugard (the woman held captive by a deranged man for 18 years in a backyard) feels for the horrible, insane man who abducted her years ago.

You have FEELINGS – and your internal survival mechanism, like Jaycee’s – needing to make sense of the horror of reality – conjured up “LOVE.”  We make it up.  If you are helpless, in a traumatic situation, making up stuff so that the quality of your life is better is a GOOD THING!!! Anything that helps you survive is a good thing. Love ALWAYS is a good thing, so of course we want to make it up.

But we are NOT captives like Jaycee.  We are women with free will and independent means.  We are surrounded by men who would jump off their current single lives and give up their freedom just to be with you. We just aren’t going there with them.

So – let’s start accessing our free will.  Let’s start celebrating our freedom to choose different paths for ourselves.  Instead of following our trauma responses down the same old road, let’s LOOK UP!  Look in ANY different direction, and see if there’s any new thing you could be thinking or doing…any new thing that feels scary enough to possibly be a step onto a different road.

This is how your journey to Happy Ever After starts.  You have to FIND your Bridge, if you’ve fallen off it and been in the pits and traps for a long time (this is what my Commitment Blueprint program is all about – staying on your Bridge to Happy Ever After).

Change your routine.  Change your clothes.  Change your hair and makeup.  Change what you eat.  Change what you think about.  Change where you go (Change markets, change gyms, change ANYTHING). Take a class in something unusual – business or accounting or computer technology or massage or stained glass or dancing.  Give yourself something NEW to think about and your body something new to do.  Find what you love.  Then take small steps to DO what you love.

You’ll see – parts of yourself you didn’t even know were there will pop up and happily crowd out the old, pining, miserable, sad, stuck parts.

Oh – and LJ – you don’t need to answer that letter. You’re done. Finished. There’s nothing there for you – and writing him a letter is one thing, but giving it to him is another. You’ll get your energies all tied up in him again, and it’s just not necessary. You can work out your stuff with US, here, and using the Tools with other men and when you’re feeling down. (If he were some wonderful man, amazing as a person, and kind to you as a friend – that might be a different circumstance – but we can talk about how to do that another time…this isn’t what’s going on here.)

Let me know how even just this change in perspective works for you.

Love, Rori

Heartache and Heartbreak happen to us all.  We love, we feel, we give, we open, and then a door closes, and it feels like our life just disappears.  Puff of smoke.  Gone like a magician’s trick. Pain, hurt, fear…it can live with us for days, and then we recover, or it can dog us our whole lives and make our world smaller.

We don’t have to “move on” from any man.  “Moving On” sounds to me like you’re stepping over his dead body and moving onto the next man.  Instead – just imagine moving Forward (not Leaning Forward when you’re with a man, but moving forward in your life…using your masculine energy to help you, yes…).

Here’s a letter from Sandra…who’s totally stuck…and I know we can all help her:

“Rori, Its really hard to have normal reactions with my baby’s daddy–I used to be so stuck on him, his looks, the dream of us being together as a family.

We would go along great, he would chase me, we would do family things with our little boy then his friends would have a party and he would disappear for days, weekends, never call, forget to his arrangements with our son, act cold and angry with me when I would cry and try to talk to him.

One day, I got sick of it all and went to his house in a taxi and he wasn’t home. I wandered around and when I went back I saw his lights were on and loud music was coming out of his back deck. When I knocked, his friend came to the door and told me to get lost. I persisted, stupidly and Jay came to the door and spit on me and pushed me back really hard and shut the door on my face. I never forgot the look on his face–that was the end of our long two year engagement. Now, from that ugly lesson, I never pursue a guy. When I feel pressured or jealous, I quit.

Why? I never want to go through that humiliation and pain and I have even dumped nice guys for no reason, just because I was scared to get hurt and things were not going along as smooth as I would like. My friends tell every guy that I am a heart breaker and cold and closed up or that I am a Feminist and I hate men.

Some days I wonder if I will ever get over this terrible heartbreak and I keep taking out my hurt on innocent guys and on myself because the hurt is so much for me. Sandra”

Here’s my answer:

Briefly…Sandra, here’s the thing. You don’t have to be afraid.

YOU are in CONTROL.

YOU did this to YOU – he didn’t. He was a louse, but he didn’t come to your house, grab your hair and drag you anywhere.

YOU went to HIM. YOU CHOSE him.

This means - instead of beating yourself up over the past ( look at what Rihanna let happen to her!) -  resolve to treat YOURSELF better NOW.

You can do this!

This is NOT about heartbreak. He was a disaster all along. It was your judgment, your self-esteem that was the problem then…and it doesn’t have to be that way now…

Here’s a great story from Carla:

“Dear Rori,    I wanted to let you know that one year ago I found your website online and purchased ALL of your CD’s. I was commuting 3 hours per day at that time, so I listened to them continually each day. They (you) completely transformed my life… I had at that time been in an 11 year relationship with a very toxic man and could not seem to get free of it.

When I first started with your program, my goal was to transform that relationship. Instead, what happened was as I practiced the feeling messages and the circular dating tools, he left for another women. It was the BEST thing that could have ever happened to me… 3 days after the breakup, a wonderful man walked into my life.

A completely emotionally available, loving, and mature man. We actually met at our Church’s coffee shop. A great place to meet a man.    We have now been dating for 6 months and he gave me a promise ring this weekend to let me “know that he is serious about a future with me”. He has passed the test of friends, family, and even therapist who all say that he is a good man… I am thrilled!

I absolutely don’t believe that I would be in such a fulfilling relationship if I had not found your CD’s. I have shared with anyone who wants to know how I “got such a good man.” Thank you so much for the good work you do for women. You genuinely transform lives!   Carla”

I thank Carla for giving me credit, but she did it herself! And YOU can, too.

The trick to not letting “hurt” from the past get to you NOW – is to realize that YOU are in control of so much more than you give yourself credit for.

Remember – YOU were THERE!  You did things, and said things, and tolerated things.  You were THERE.  That means…

You DON’T HAVE TO BE THERE!

This means you can CHOOSE to be there or not when you don’t feel good about what’s going on.

You can choose to stay quiet and accept poor treatment and no love, or you can choose to Speak your Truth.  You can choose to practice being brave – not by arguing, but by doing what feels GOOD.  Not what feels like “revenge” – or “getting it off your chest” – but by telling the Truth.  Sharing what you feel – no matter how angry it is – in a way that OWNS your feelings, rather than making HIM responsible for them.

In order to be hurt – you have to be there.

And sometimes, yes, it’s an accident – but you know it’s an accident and you get out of there as fast as you can.

If you can trust yourself just enough to believe you’ll know when it feels good to be there, and when it doesn’t…and practice letting that trust help you open your heart to whatever man is standing before you – trusting that YOU will know when to stay and be there, and when to get your energy out of there – you will get the love, romance and relationship you want.

You’ll know when you’re just protecting your heart for no reason – in defense for something that hasn’t even happened yet – and when you’re walkingaway – even for just a moment – because you FEEL bad.

It takes practice.  It takes a bit of skills, and you can get those skills by practicing the Tools.

Please let me know about your specific and unique stories… and about moments when you’re able to feel like you have a choice and can see and experience things differently than you once did.  Let me know how you’re practicing now…and we’ll talk more here about how to short circuit those automatic reactions like Sandra is enduring.

Love, Rori