Have The Relationship You Want

Here’s something we all do because we’re afraid to be “negative” around a man. Lynn wrote that it’s a challenge for her to allow herself to feel and express her feelings:

“…because these feelings come up sometimes when I am not in a situation that makes it easy to deal with, such as looking after all my kids. My kids pick up on it and that makes for a bad mood at times. It helps though to dig it up and get with it, get it out there and dealt with. I find that it makes me stronger and healthier the next time things feel this way. The fear gets smaller, the triggers get weaker, until I can be in that area of my feelings and not get all intense and anxious. Lynn”

Here’s my reply:

Lynn, I’m so happy you brought this up.

Don’t stuff your feelings so that your kids have to “pick up on them.”

What you want to show them is how to be IN TOUCH with feelings – that’s how to help your kids in this world.

This means you say – straight out – “Oh, kids, I’m feeling a bit blue today…just a bunch of things, but seeing your lovely faces makes me smile, and I don’t want to pretend I don’t feel blue – because I want you to feel okay feeling blue, too, if you ever do…hey – anyone want to join me in painting a blue picture?”

…In other words…a bad “mood” is what happens when you don’t feel you have the right to feel what you feel.

Just go there, and then go somewhere else!

Love, Rori

Because I’m a writer – I tell all.

I write books and novels about my past. And my husband doesn’t read them, nor do I offer them to him to read, nor do I talk about my past.

Why is this?

I’m a person who naturally – and in seeming opposition to my extrovert qualities and professional confessional willingness plays it very “close to the vest.”

It takes a lot for me to allow a person – a new friend, for example, to get inside my personal world, to allow into my fantasies and emotions.

This is a completely different thing than the intimacy of sharing 100% the emotions and fantasies that are happening in the moment in their presence.

Truth is – my husband doesn’t want to know about my past. Not how many men I slept with and what they were like. What it felt like More…

Here’s a great letter to jump off of – it’s all about anger, and control, and punishing ourselves and others...

“Rori, I don’t know what to do. My man does so much for me and some things we talk about make me react in an explosive anger. It almost seems as if it sneaks up on me and the angry words are out of my mouth or in my writing (he lives halfway across the country from me) before I know it. He’s left feeling angry, hurt, used…I’ve tried to control it, ignore the way I felt about some of the stuff he’s said and then a few days later the smallest thing will make me erupt. He says he finds the human body beautiful, so I feel, what makes me special then because I look like every other woman out there….if that makes sense. Thanks, Carrie”

And here’s my answer:

Carrie – I hear you totally – and know this – you are being TRIGGERED.

You have some huge, old, unresolved “stuff” inside – and it just gets triggered by him (likely by any man who loves you…) – More…

In this comment from Erika, she brings up a really, really important element of healing ourselves and having the most wonderful NOW we can imagine…

“Hmmm … wild … I’m noticing a feeling of inner conflict … A part of me that is resisting participating here fully. A part that feels annoyed about talking about “he did this,” and “he said that.” There’s a part of me saying, “who cares?” Are we stepping back and noticing that it’s the same stuff 6 months ago and now …Not judging, just noticing.”

I wanted to jump off from this…because everything we do with the Tools is about More…