Have The Relationship You Want

Okay, This is when my daughter was little, and my husband looked like Hugh Grant (he still does…the more current one is a little down the page here…)

I’ve been going back and forth whether or not to share him with you, but decided what he has to offer is more important than any privacy concerns I have (you can google him, after all). Jeff (his name is Jeffrey Levine) is a business coach with an MBA who, while he was finding that so much of the coaching would always come down to the work/life balance thing with the executives he was coaching, fell in love with working with these men on fatherhood issues.

I talked him into helping women turn their husbands into better fathers without wrecking their marriages…and so he wrote a book specifically for women, and started coaching women (he has free newsletters, too…) about how to INFLUENCE men.

Here’s one of his articles, and if you’re curious about him, here’s his blog - TurnHimIntoABetterDad.com/blog. You can get his free newsletters there, and comment and ask him questions - he’ll answer you. We actually NEVER talk about what I do and what I write, or about the coaching and writing he does (I’ve asked him NOT to read my eletters or blog posts) — so when I read his book to proof it, I was shocked to see my own ideas and Tools coming from the other side - a man’s side - and the man I was living with’s side to boot. Very weird. Here he’s talking about…basically, how to talk to a man…(I picked it up from his blog)

Forget The Story, Just Tell The Truth

I recently read a book called “A Whole New Mind – Why Right-Brainers Will Rule The Future.” It’s a terrific read and I highly recommend it. Among other things, the author Daniel Pink talks about the power of “story” – how telling a story enables you to communicate in a way that your fellow humans naturally understand.

However, in the arena of relationships, telling a story rarely helps the situation. In fact, I advise my clients to steer clear of their story because it’s your story that’ll get you into trouble. When you remove the story completely, you’ll have a far greater chance of being heard.

Guys often aren’t great listeners as it is – and when you launch into a story there’s more of a chance that he’ll hear it as judgment and blaming. You see, the problem is, even if you mean what you’re saying in your story, guys think that you’re “making stuff up.”

I recommend that you strip the story from your communication and instead focus on expressing your truth – cleanly and clearly – without the story.

Let’s look at a simple situation:

Your husband has agreed to fix that broken cabinet door for months. You’re worried that your toddler or dog is going to get in there and it could be potentially dangerous. Despite his promises to handle it, another weekend passes and it’s not done.

What might the story look like? It might include phrases like this: “You’ve been saying for months that you’re going to fix it and still haven’t. I wish I could rely on you but I can’t.” (finger pointing and blaming) “You know, your son could get stuck in there and get really hurt” (making stuff up) “Just like when you said you’d trim the trees and fix the pool – just another example of you not keeping your word. You’re unreliable.” (judgment) “How many times have we talked about this?” (guilt)

Your story is your attempt to build your case and in some cases justify your anger. But the truth is, you don’t need to justify it – you’re entitled to your anger and your disappointment in him. The question is, how do you enroll him in making a change?

Not by blaming him.

Not by telling him a story about his past failures.

The only chance you have of shifting his behavior and helping be a better dad and husband is by communicating your feelings in a direct, clear and non-judgmental way. That’s the only thing that’ll work.

Here’s How To Do It

“Tom, I know you’ve been busy. And there’s something I need to share with you. I’m having a problem and I don’t know exactly how to express this. Is now a good time for us to talk?”

You’ve set the table that the conversation might be challenging, and you’ve asked permission to have the conversation now, or to find a better time.

You continue: “Tom, I really rely on you, I realize that. And when I need you to handle something in the house, and you don’t do it, I don’t know how to express it to you in a way that doesn’t start a fight.”

Do you see how this gets the conversation off on a completely different foot than if you told your story?

Then ask in a direct, clear way for what you want: “Tom, I’m not going to feel comfortable until the cabinet’s fixed, so I really need for you to fix it within the next couple of days. If you can’t please let me know so I can hire a handyman to do it.”

Forget the story. Speak your truth without blame and judgment.

Jeffrey

If you sometimes feel like your man has all the Power in your relationship, and you feel almost desperate to get your strong sense of yourself back, I learned something very valuable (the hard way) this weekend that I know will help you, too.

If you’re at all like me, you value being “nice,” being “liked,” and being “well thought of.”

So, if you’re like me - being a “Drama Queen” is just out of the question.

Well, that’s all nice and good, wanting to be “mature” and “well spoken” and “thoughtful,” but for most of us, all that “carefulness” and “political correctness” gets us to the same place - pushing our men away!

How can that be?

How can we push a man away by being “nice” and “mature”?

Well, as I’ve known since the moment I turned my marriage around years ago, and as I teach my clients and write and create programs about for you, valuing “nice” and “mature” over AUTHENTIC can just kill a man’s love for you.

And it’s not because there’s something so wrong with “nice.”.

It’s because sometimes our “nice” is just not REAL.

Because we value being liked more than being Authentic, we can stuff down our feelings.

I still struggle with this - and as aware as I am about it, it still always surprises me when I choose the “high road” - choose to let something that’s bothering me go rather than speaking up about it.

These are the moments when my inner Drama Queen can actually HELP!

So - what does YOUR inner Drama Queen look like?

Is she so not welcome inside you that you’d do almost anything to not let her out?

Are you so afraid she’ll turn you into a raging Drama Queen out there in the world that you push her down and try to keep her covered up?

Well, the one thing I know is that if you don’t love your inner Drama Queen, and instead resist her as much as you can - that’s when you actually DO turn INTO a Drama Queen.

It’s as though the fight to keep her from taking over makes her squeak by you so you end up acting like a Drama Queen anyway.

Only - instead of YOU GUIDING her, so that her words come out THROUGH YOU, in Feeling Messages instead of attacks, and so her feelings inspire a man to HELP you instead of run from you - she comes out without your consent and without your control.

Your inner Drama Queen just jumps out and splatters all over everything. It’s those moments when we do or say something we wish we hadn’t.

And then you remember the moment when you first felt angry or upset and didn’t say anything about it when it happened - and you KNOW that if you’d just spoken out - authentically and truthfully in that moment, you wouldn’t have turned into a Drama Queen just now.

So - love your inner Drama Queen.

Loving her and embracing her will make it possible for you to avoid ACTING like a drama queen.

Let her speak to you.

Let her say what’s on her mind.

Let her into your heart, feel her feelings and use YOUR WORDS to say what’s going on inside you.

You can do this.

Your Drama Queen on the inside can make you calmer and easier on the outside.

Your Drama Queen on the inside can help you stand up for yourself and be stronger.

So - talk to her.

Ask her what her name is.

Ask her if she’ll help you be stronger, more direct, authentic, and VULNERABLE.

Try this Tool and see if you feel a little lighter, a little more in step with yourself - I know that I did.

In my Toxic Men program, I have a whole section on getting to know and embracing your inner “Stranger” - this will help you so much to stop attracting and being attracted to toxic and difficult men. You can take a look at it (and all my programs) on the “Rori’s Catalog” page here…For now, just listen to your inner Drama Queen instead of shutting her up, and see what she has to offer you - and let me know how she helps you.

Love, Rori