Have The Relationship You Want

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If you subscribe to my monthly Interviews With Relationship Experts CD program – then you’ve just received the March interview with Alanna Levenson – and I thought she was so spectacularly great on the interview, I wanted to give you more from her. Here’s an article she wrote for us:

A few months ago I was at an ATM doing a simple bank transaction when I felt a familiarity nearby. I looked to my left and standing there was a man who I met 5 years ago, who I’ve run into at least once a year since then. It was one of those moments when you haven’t seen someone in a long time More…

Valentine’s Day aftermath:

“Oh dear what an awful day I had in valentines day.

My man had not flowers for me. He said maybe he’d make cookies. He woke up angry with a book, sitting and reading in the chair. Waiting for me to make breakfast.

I did not paid attention. I went out to skiing then restaurant and dated myself, ate dinner. When I came back he was so angry – why I had eaten alone without caring about him sitting at home with no food? Then he made some cookies but just for himself. He did not say hello to my girlfriend when she came to me to visit me with flowers.

Here’s my answer:

Sometimes – things are about…things. About what happens, about logistics, More…

I get a lot of newsletters, and I’ve made so many friends among therapists and coaches, and every once in a while I see something that complements my own work…and I loved this one by Dr. Margaret Paul. Explaining is something we ALL want to do – it’s a part of our need for closure (which you know I say to just forget about) – and here, Margaret shows the link between explaining and control…

What happens when you try to explain yourself to someone who is attacking and blaming? Does it EVER work? Discover how else to communicate.

“My husband never lets me explain anything to him. It’s so frustrating! He makes these statements that are blaming and attacking and then he won’t listen to me when I’m trying to explain.”

“Why do you want to explain?”

“I NEED to explain because he is not seeing things accurately. He is making assumptions that are not accurate.”

“So you want to explain to get him to see things differently than he does.”

“Yes.”

“Isn’t this, then, a form of control? Aren’t you trying to get him to change how he sees things, or how he feels about you?”

“Well, yeah, but he doesn’t have all the information he needs.”

“So he is blaming you as his form of control, and you are explaining as your form of control – is that right?”

“Um….I don’t know. I never thought of explaining as a form of control.”

“Aren’t you trying to change his mind – change how he sees things?”

“Yes, I guess so. But is that wrong?”

“It is neither right or wrong. But is it working for you?”

“No! He won’t listen to me.”

“Do you think it is possible that he won’t listen to you because he doesn’t want to be controlled by you? He doesn’t want you trying to talk him out of how he sees things?”

“Yes. That is actually what he says. But I’m just trying to give him the facts, the truth.”

“The problem is that he does not want the facts. He is not asking you for the facts. When he is attacking and blaming, he just wants to control you. He is not interested in learning. And neither are you. You are just trying to get him to see the “facts” as you see them.”

“Oh, I see this now. But what should I do when he is attacking and blaming and not seeing me or seeing things accurately?”

“How does it feel in your heart when he attacks and blames? Take a moment to tune inside and see what your heart feels when he is so unloving to you.”

“Oh, I feel awful. I feel so angry and hurt.”

“Look under the anger and hurt feelings. What other feelings are you covering over with your anger and hurt? Tune into your heart. What do you feel in your heart?”

“……I feel sad. And helpless. I hate feeling helpless. And my heart hurts.”

“Yes, that is heartache. You feel heartache. And this is a very painful feeling, so you are covering it up with your anger. Right now, put your hands over your heart, breathing into your heart. Open to your Guidance, inviting in compassion for your heartache. Be very gentle, tender, and kind with yourself. Take a minute to do this…..Now what are you feeling?”

“I feel lighter.”

“Great. So here is what I suggest you practice. Instead of explaining and defending next time your husband attacks you and blames you, put your hand on your heart and say, ‘Your attacking energy is hurting my heart, so I’m going to go into the other room. I’d be happy to talk about it when you are ready to be open and caring.’ Then disengage and take a few minutes to bring compassion into your heart. Don’t discuss the issue until both of you are open to learning. Are you willing to try this?”

“Yes, I am. I can feel the sense of relief inside. Now that I see what you mean, I can see that explaining is never going to get me anywhere. But is there ever a time to explain?”

“Yes. When both of you are open, then you can explain things from your point of view, as well as try to understand things from his point of view. Both of you will learn new things and will likely be able to easily resolve the issue. But there is no point in explaining until both of you are open.”

Here’s a link to Margaret’s site: http://www.innerbonding.com and you can follow her “Inner Bonding” work there…

Love, Rori

I got this post in a newsletter from Dr. Margaret Paul – it’s about how we all Lean Forward by starting a conversation, or talking, or focusing on something we need to talk or think about, and just generally focusing on a man (Margaret uses the example of a man doing this – so imagine yourself in that situation) – in order to AVOID our own FEELINGS.

Here’s the Post:

Addictions can take many forms. One fairly common yet subtle form is to start a conversation to get your partner involved with you so that you don’t have to feel and take responsibility for your feelings.

We all have many addictive ways of avoiding feeling our painful feelings and taking responsibility for them. Some of the ways are obvious, such as using substances and processes. Some of the ways can be very subtle.

Leon often struggled with feeling empty inside. Inner emptiness is a symptom of a lack of love inside, and Leon frequently created this inner lack of love with his self-judgments and staying in his head – ignoring his feelings. Sometimes he would fill the emptiness with food, work or TV. But other times he would act out addictively by bringing up issues – generally the same issues over and over – with his wife Susan.

The major issue he focused on was how they spent money. He would start the conversation by stating, “We really need to talk about the money situation.” Susan would feel a knot in her stomach, knowing that Leon was aching for an endless discussion about money that would likely end in a fight and distance. She felt like she was in a no-win: if she talked about money, it would go on for hours and end in anger. If she didn’t, she would be accused of withdrawing and running away from problems. There seemed to be no good way out for Susan.

Eventually, Susan learned to trust her feelings and say to Leon, “I will be happy to talk with you about anything when you are open, but right now your energy feels closed. Let me know when you are feeling really great and then we can talk about it.” Not surprisingly, Leon never approaches her to talk about money when he is feeling good!

Carole periodically says to Rick, “We need to talk about our lack of communication.” Rick immediately knows that Carole is feeling badly and is trying to feel better by getting in to a long and drawn-out conversation about their lack of communication. If he engages, he ends up angry. If he doesn’t, he gets blamed for not communicating. Rick has learned to disengage just as Susan has, saying, “I’d love to communicate with you about anything when you are open, but right now my experience of you is that you are angry, and we are not going to get anywhere. Let me know when you are feeling good and then we can talk about anything you want.” Again, when Carole is feeling happy, she never brings up their lack of communication!

The subject can be anything – child raising, how time is spend, how much TV kids watch, health, nutrition, how clean or dirty the house is, chores that need to be done. It is not that these things don’t need to be discussed – they often do. But there is a huge difference between approaching your partner from a true desire to learn and resolve issues, or a desire to avoid your anxiety, emptiness, loneliness, heartache, or helplessness.

Lovingly Disengaging

If you are the partner at the other end of what may feel like an attack – even though it is couched as a question or a statement of wanting to talk – your best bet is to trust your stomach! If your stomach gets tight when your partner comes to you to talk, trust it. Learn to take loving care of yourself by refusing to talk when you are picking up your partner’s needy, abandoned, or angry energy. Recognize that your partner is acting out addictively to avoid responsibility for his or her own feelings, and that trying to talk will only create more conflict.

However, it is most important when you disengage, that you do not withdraw your love. It might even be helpful if you give your partner a sincere hug, coming from your compassion at knowing that your partner is hurting. Let your partner know that when he or she is open to learning, you will be there – to talk about an issue or to be of help with whatever your partner is feeling.

I’ve been getting Margaret’s newsletters for years now, and love her work…she’s co-created a powerful process called Inner Bonding®, that helps you heal your pain and discover your joy…you can get her Inner Bonding Course free (and the newsletters I get, too) here: http://www.innerbonding.com. You’ll find lots of articles and blog posts there, and Margaret works by phone, too.

This post is at: http://www.innerbonding.com/show-article/2353/avoiding-your-feelings-by-focusing-on-your-partner.html

I’d like to explore this more…how we women are taught to “talk” things out – when what we’re actually doing is changing the subject – (the subject is actually and truly how WE’RE FEELING INSIDE – regardless of the situation or circumstance that triggered those feelings)…so let me know how even just being aware of this works for you.

Love, Rori