Have The Relationship You Want

Here’s a bit of “Scripting” off a comment from Girl23..I like helping with this kind of nuts-and-bolts that changes our instinctive “language” into Feeling Messages:

“Hi Rori and ladies in this blog!

I would love to hear your comments on a speech I wrote to tell my boyfriend I don’t feel comfortable where our relationship is going:

“I feel like we’re not making plans for the two of us anymore.

I feel like we are increasingly leading separate lives and it makes me unhappy. More…

If you subscribe to my monthly Interviews With Relationship Experts CD program – then you’ve just received the March interview with Alanna Levenson – and I thought she was so spectacularly great on the interview, I wanted to give you more from her. Here’s an article she wrote for us:

A few months ago I was at an ATM doing a simple bank transaction when I felt a familiarity nearby. I looked to my left and standing there was a man who I met 5 years ago, who I’ve run into at least once a year since then. It was one of those moments when you haven’t seen someone in a long time More…

Valentine’s Day aftermath:

“Oh dear what an awful day I had in valentines day.

My man had not flowers for me. He said maybe he’d make cookies. He woke up angry with a book, sitting and reading in the chair. Waiting for me to make breakfast.

I did not paid attention. I went out to skiing then restaurant and dated myself, ate dinner. When I came back he was so angry – why I had eaten alone without caring about him sitting at home with no food? Then he made some cookies but just for himself. He did not say hello to my girlfriend when she came to me to visit me with flowers.

Here’s my answer:

Sometimes – things are about…things. About what happens, about logistics, More…

I get a lot of newsletters, and I’ve made so many friends among therapists and coaches, and every once in a while I see something that complements my own work…and I loved this one by Dr. Margaret Paul. Explaining is something we ALL want to do – it’s a part of our need for closure (which you know I say to just forget about) – and here, Margaret shows the link between explaining and control…

What happens when you try to explain yourself to someone who is attacking and blaming? Does it EVER work? Discover how else to communicate.

“My husband never lets me explain anything to him. It’s so frustrating! He makes these statements that are blaming and attacking and then he won’t listen to me when I’m trying to explain.”

“Why do you want to explain?”

“I NEED to explain because he is not seeing things accurately. He is making assumptions that are not accurate.”

“So you want to explain to get him to see things differently than he does.”

“Yes.”

“Isn’t this, then, a form of control? Aren’t you trying to get him to change how he sees things, or how he feels about you?”

“Well, yeah, but he doesn’t have all the information he needs.”

“So he is blaming you as his form of control, and you are explaining as your form of control – is that right?”

“Um….I don’t know. I never thought of explaining as a form of control.”

“Aren’t you trying to change his mind – change how he sees things?”

“Yes, I guess so. But is that wrong?”

“It is neither right or wrong. But is it working for you?”

“No! He won’t listen to me.”

“Do you think it is possible that he won’t listen to you because he doesn’t want to be controlled by you? He doesn’t want you trying to talk him out of how he sees things?”

“Yes. That is actually what he says. But I’m just trying to give him the facts, the truth.”

“The problem is that he does not want the facts. He is not asking you for the facts. When he is attacking and blaming, he just wants to control you. He is not interested in learning. And neither are you. You are just trying to get him to see the “facts” as you see them.”

“Oh, I see this now. But what should I do when he is attacking and blaming and not seeing me or seeing things accurately?”

“How does it feel in your heart when he attacks and blames? Take a moment to tune inside and see what your heart feels when he is so unloving to you.”

“Oh, I feel awful. I feel so angry and hurt.”

“Look under the anger and hurt feelings. What other feelings are you covering over with your anger and hurt? Tune into your heart. What do you feel in your heart?”

“……I feel sad. And helpless. I hate feeling helpless. And my heart hurts.”

“Yes, that is heartache. You feel heartache. And this is a very painful feeling, so you are covering it up with your anger. Right now, put your hands over your heart, breathing into your heart. Open to your Guidance, inviting in compassion for your heartache. Be very gentle, tender, and kind with yourself. Take a minute to do this…..Now what are you feeling?”

“I feel lighter.”

“Great. So here is what I suggest you practice. Instead of explaining and defending next time your husband attacks you and blames you, put your hand on your heart and say, ‘Your attacking energy is hurting my heart, so I’m going to go into the other room. I’d be happy to talk about it when you are ready to be open and caring.’ Then disengage and take a few minutes to bring compassion into your heart. Don’t discuss the issue until both of you are open to learning. Are you willing to try this?”

“Yes, I am. I can feel the sense of relief inside. Now that I see what you mean, I can see that explaining is never going to get me anywhere. But is there ever a time to explain?”

“Yes. When both of you are open, then you can explain things from your point of view, as well as try to understand things from his point of view. Both of you will learn new things and will likely be able to easily resolve the issue. But there is no point in explaining until both of you are open.”

Here’s a link to Margaret’s site: http://www.innerbonding.com and you can follow her “Inner Bonding” work there…

Love, Rori