Have The Relationship You Want

Here’s a comment from Alicia that I thought was important for us to work with…

“Rori, I just found your program and have not yet received your Modern Siren however I did read the Have the Relationship You Want Book. Anyway. I have been seeing a guy since July we were going along great and then he stopped trying as much in early September. This man is 100% worth my time and all I ever dreamed of. I see some of my errors and am working on fixing them as of yesterday. We talk or text daily, seems if we call each other but I call a 65% off the time and he 45%, I will stop that now.

He switched when he was going through a emotional crises with work, he owns multiple business and has high stress. He says he cares for me, just has been overworked and stressed. He says I am perfect, a ten of a ten. I have gone there and wrote emotional letters and asked all the wrong things, poured my heart out,because he said something that sounded like he had reserves about my intentions with him. But at the same time some of it seemed to a least get us going out on lunch dates again a few weeks ago.

He knew I was dating around some but I made the mistake in telling him he captured me like no other and other men are spinning wheels trying to get close to me. I said I still talk to great men that pursue me because he had not asked for anything different. But in my heart he has taken hold.

In the first two months he pursued me fiercely, we talked non stop. I want that back.

How do I get him to stop texting and start calling? We text lots from the start but that depth has changed. I thought of saying in the next text, “Thank you for your text, I want to express to you I feel like texts are impersonal and I don’t want to communicate with you like this the majority of the time.” The texting is like half way communicating, but I’m still grateful out of his busy day he stop in to say HI, I’m torn. How is that and is it okay to say in a text. Then breath let go and wait for his call.

Sometimes when he calls should I play a little hard to get from time to time? Not pick up, wait for a few hours to call back? I did skim you Have the Relationship You Want on Sunday morning, texted him and asked him if he could give me advise. He texted back immediately and said I think so what’s up? I cried out of fear of what I was about to say. I called him 45 min later and after the small talk I beat around the bush and took a deep breath and said I FEEL LONELY, especially when me kids are at their dads. ( I got divorced last year) I said I had out grown many of my friends that go out and I would not compromise on where I go and what I do, so I stay at home.

What do you think I should do? He said he knew exactly what I felt, identified with me and said he always started making projects and to do list to keep busy, then when kids come back you feel good cause that’s off your plate. I listen and the tears started rolling, I tried not to let him know but I think he did. Then he said his phone was about to die and he would call back later. I said okay and thank you. Later he did text announcing his sons after school care was closing in one week. I text WOW, Interesting and I sorry to hear that. He did not call back last night but I am sure he will text today.  (I did read the whole Have The Relationship You Want, last night)

Is that what I should text back? Should I show strength and contentment when he calls back like I did not notice he didn’t call. OH and I don’t want to be the lunch date girl. He said last week, ” I need to make time and take you out at night” Should I say next time he asks me out to lunch, Thank you but I would rather wait, let you use that time to get other things done. I don’t want to just see you at lunch? Or what?

Thank you for all the help you have giving me thus far I feel there is hope and inspiration already! Alicia”

Here’s my answer:

The short answer is to really practice the Tools in Have The Relationship You Want, get Targeting Mr. Right to learn exactly how to Circular Date,  Modern Siren to learn how to use your emotions to get you what you want, and Reconnect Your Relationship to give you essential Tools to understand why what you’re doing is not working and how to change that instantly. And the long answer is everything we’re doing here - which is practicing the Tools - each of us, in our own way, in our own time…and watching and feeling the process and experiencing what happens when we try new things.

The fact that you’re talking about strategy and games and “playing” anything tells me you’re on the wrong track.

I know you’ve likely discovered this, but you can’t “skim” the ebook (or even just “read” it) - because it’s a “workbook.”  You have to actually DO the Tools.  It’s practicing, just like learning a new language or an instrument.

When you start this process - the first “read-thru” of the book, or the first “listen” or “watch” of one of my programs is to help you understand what you need to stop doing and start doing, and the fact that you called this man immediately tells me you didn’t “get” the main message.  So - Please - go back to the book.

Read it from cover to cover (which you’ve done now), and then DO the Tools. Every chapter - about Listening, Overfunctioning, the Sensual Meditation, the Four Rules - and Feeling Messages - is a CRUCIAL, BASIC Tool you need to master in order to turn things around quickly.  I know you will get the help you need here and in the programs…there’s space to write, exact instructions on doing and practicing…and know that these Tools are only meant to be done in short bits - (5 to 15 seconds at a time, most of them) - so it’s not like a meditative “sitting practice.”   It’s not something you do “alone” or in a certain state of mind, or something you “set aside time for.”

The Tools are meant to be done in the spur of the moment - taking whatever you feel and however you are and whatever’s going on and USING it to turn your life around - baby-step by baby-step.  Some are as easy as touching an object.  Or stamping the floor with your foot.

They’re meant to be done out in the world - in the presence of a man.  They’re meant to take you past your old patterns without shaking up your system or causing you to feel resistance or get your defenses up.  The Tools will TAKE DOWN your defenses, little by little, so you become even MORE of who you already are, and learn to express that gorgeous siren you truly are.

The Tools are meant to uncover the beauty of who you are from all the gook we women have learned to coat ourselves with - all the pretending and pretense and bad feelings for ourselves.

It’s like a…cleanse.  But in little bits and pieces that sort of free you up from the tension and distress of being taught our whole lives to THINK our way through a romantic relationship.

If I can put it all into one short statement…I would say that, after teaching you the why, the what and the how of  it - all my Tools are to help you practice FEELING your way through life. To receive from men rather than to give to them. And to be and experience who you are in the world instead of thinking about and pretending to be who you want to be. We are all imperfect, and that’s what makes us each so uniquely beautiful and amazing.

Before you can figure out what to “say” to a man - you have to know what you Feel.

You have to know what you Don’t Want.

You have to choose words based on what you feel, and what the TRUTH is, otherwise, you’re just pretending, and that will not work.

If you are Circular Dating…why would you make a big deal about lunch?  There would be other men to take you out to dinner!  Instead of trying to goose him along…you want him to feel COMPELLED to CHASE you…and you can’t do that by strategizing.

The moment a man “gets” (and they’re much swifter about this than we think) - that we’re “into him,” he loses attraction for us.

Let me know how practicing the Tools in the ebook change things for you…and then we can all pull your question apart and put it back together using Tools at every turn…This is a fantastic comment to work with, because it hits so many of the important parts.

You can’t change your life until you understand what you need to change.

And then you can’t change what you know you need to change without PRACTICING change.

So, here we are, practicing…and I’m practicing right along with you, and love all the sharing about how it works for each of us.

…Love, Rori

Here’s a question from Alice - very unique, and yet I know many of you are dealing with it, or know more about it than I. Please help out if you can…

“Dear Rori, I have listened to your work and read items on your website and what you say seems to make some sense to me but I am stuck.

My situation is that I have been in a “relationship” with a work colleague for nearly 10 months now. We started as friends. I then got the courage to tell him I was attracted to him. I left it for him to decide where he took that information from there. He decided that he wanted to pursue it further and we have enjoyed amazing physical and emotional connection - of which he will openly acknowledge that connection also.

The issue is that our relationship is “secret” - because we work together and secondly because he comes from an asian background - and I dont. His mother (who I believe became aware that he was seeing someone in the first month) has since moved in with him and is now taking all his time and attention. He told me at the start that he had an ex-girlfriend who he was still friends with as his and her parents did not know they had split.

There was an expectation that they would marry. After many discussions he told me he would speak to his mother so we could be “out in the open”. He did do this but his mother’s response was that he had to “work things out” with his ex-girlfriend who she wants him to marry to “save face” so people can benefit.

I can see that he is torn between his “duty” to his family and his desire to be in a open and loving relationship with me. He swears to me that they have not been physical or intimate for many years now and that before me they both saw other people but the ex-girlfriend (who he says he does not love anymore) is still apart of his life because of his mum, and demands him to put on a front for special occasions that they are together - and he does this (not nearly as often now that I am aware of as it was in the start). I know he has gone to his best friend for advice (as he is not asian) but from what he says he was of little help.

I feel now because of all the pressure that he is receiving at home he is withdrawing from me because he says he “has so much to deal with, pressure going on at home” that he struggles to find time for me - this in turn makes me feel that he doesn’t want to spend time with me, that I am not important to him - but he says seeing me involves thinking of ways to get away from his mother and he feels guilty for lying and doing this. I know it is a mutual attraction, he says he has been physically attracted to me for 18 months (now 2 1/2 years) before we hooked up.

We did not sleep together until six months into seeing each other despite doing all we could to resist and now the sexual attraction from both sides is intense chemistry and passion.

I am unsure of how I assist us in having a future together, I love him, I have told him this, he knows I am committed to him, he constantly asks when we are alone “what are we going to do”. I am stuck on showing him how to have the courage to do what “he wants” and not what is his perceived responsibility to his family. I am even unsure whether I should be helping him with this.

To stop the pain I am feeling I gave him a deadline of Christmas to make a decision on telling his mum/making moves and plans to put this into action or letting me go - He struggles with having this deadline, he says he knows is the right thing but still is not happy with it. I see with this - I am now lost at what I should be doing. I don’t want to push him, loose him or be impatient but this is tearing me up. Alice”

And here’s my answer:

Alice, I work with many women who are stuck in this exact situation. They are more progressive, but their families still think in the way they were brought up, or the way they still live - in different countries, different cultures, different religions that have strict social rules of conduct and duty, and the good men they’re with are all torn up by their duty to family and ex wives and even simply women friends who are also friends of the family.

I don’t believe you can do anything to help this along. I’ve seen women stuck in these situations unendingly. And even when the man seems to move forward, he is still feeling pressure from the ex and the family. He never escapes the aura of “shame.”

Painful as it is, the best thing here is to simply say you will continue to date him, but not exclusively, and then Circular Date. You can decide if you can handle sex, but I wouldn’t even try it. If you can’t handle this “dating” rotation, then you must break it off until he can figure out what to do…

I’d so appreciate it - and know Alice would too - if any of you are very familiar with cultural differences and difficulties, please give us any information you have - I know it would help many women in these same situations, especially since we have readers here from all over the world….

Love, Rori