Archive for the 'Dating' Category

How to Use and Be Successful on OkCupid!

dating tipsI found someone wonderful to help me with your profiles and pictures for online dating – I think it’s the single most serious, and yet easy-to-fix problem most women have in getting good responses from men online…if you want me to look at your pix and profiles on match.com (or anywhere else), let me know – email my assistant Melanie@CoachRori.com, then I’ll look at what you have up, see if I think I can help, and work with my new “profile” assistant to get you set up better. I’ll have her email back and forth with you and quote a price (she’s EXTREMELY reasonable). I’ll stay in touch with the process and make sure I like it before it gets to you…so you don’t have to worry about me now okaying it…(she’s great at getting the Feeling language in there in a lovely way…)

You’ll know she’s amazing when you read this – I asked her for detailed instructions on how to use OKCupid.com:

Let’s start in the beginning. You want to try online dating, but how to get started?

There are tons of different sites out there, but how can you choose which one to try? OkCupid is the best online dating site to try first because: It’s free and More…

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How To Talk To a New Man About Your Kids

Yes – I know this is headlined to be about a situation where you’re a mom and he’s asking questions (and it is) – but the principles I talk about here hold for ALL situations where you feel you’re being asked stuff you don’t want to talk about, where you have judgments about the men who ask those questions – so you can get a new perspective all around…

“Rori, I have learned some pretty significant lessons on what not to say to a man-date. It is difficult because I have adopted kids with my ex and I have no child support and he has no access to them by court order. Men can not understand this. And they find out because they ask or make “dumb” remarks that I can’t let go of. It tends to go like this:

Man: “So, you are divorced now how long?”

me: 7 years

Man: “so you have 2 kids, young adults, on their own I presume?”

Me: No, they are with me

Man: so, how old? boy? girl?

me: boy 12, girl 14

Man: !!!?

me: I came late to parenthood by adoption

Man: oh, so are you one week on one week off?

Me: No – unfortunately he has no access by his choice.

Man: !!! #$#^& ^&*%$@ @@$#%^

Me: well, it is by his choice. And we are doing quite fine, my kids are well adjusted – I spent a great deal of effort making sure all was well, and that is why I have only just started dating…

Like these convos are so incredibly awkward. That is why I just came up with the following line and it seems to be working much more effectively:

‘I am a solo mom, with 2 really terrific teens – I happen to really like teens much more than children – the father has chosen not to be a part of their lives and that seems to work just fine for all of us. It has been quite the ride for sure (I put this in because men know to have gotten here, I would have most likely gone through hell so just to make sure I am not out in lala land it is here) and we have worked through a lot of stuff and all is well.’

When they ask for more – I just say ‘naturally there are character building stories there and maybe one day I will share, right now I feel the present is way more important – it is all about how I feel and right now I am feeling the joy of being with you.’

That seems to stop all further questions, and it lets them off the hook with their own stories. Now I say, just the facts man: years married; number and age of kids; dating long? They love it when I say “just the facts man” as if I was a pretend cop. Thanks, Liz”

Here’s my answer:

Liz – first thing I notice is – in your written dialogue, “Man” is capitalized, and “me” is not! What’s that about?

Then:

1. Your dialogue is completely unnecessary.

It should start like this: He asks, “Do you have kids?”

Then you smile, you feel how much you love them, and you say “I feel so lucky, yes, to have these 2 great kids…they’re teenagers, they feel fabulous to have around…”

And every other sentence is a Feeling Message!!

You are so not unusual.

You have two teenagers – so?

All you need is a man who likes you enough to get to know them, and then will like them…simple…if YOU can be happy – THEY’LL be happy.

Stop trying to EXPLAIN things, or EXPLAIN the circumstances.

Absolutely IRRELEVANT.

Just share your feelings, not your history…

Now – how does this work if the situation isn’t about kids – but instead about your net worth, your job, your home, your choice of hair color or dress…anything?

Do you instinctively want to EXPLAIN yourself?

Do you instinctively want to tell a man the WHY of his question, the WHY of your choice?

Then just go back to my original instruction:

1. Catch yourself explaining yourself and STOP.

2. Breathe.

3. Feel your body. Become aware of the tension in your muscles, bones, cells, and relax them one by one.

4. Now have a PREPARED speech and script for anything that might come up – questions about your work, anything – in FEELING MESSAGES.

Like:

“I feel so lucky to be helping people…ohhh, I’m a social worker…” (or a nurse, or a teacher….just add more happy detail to how you feel about your work.

“I’m feeling overwhelmed these days being in transition with my work…so many decisions need to be made and I feel a bit…confused…”

Then you let him ask MORE questions, and you answer the same way.

Just “throw away” as an afterthought, or just as a matter of “context” what it is your job is actually, logistically “called” – so he knows what you’re talking about – and stick with the feelings.

Let me know how all this works for you…Oh – I’m working on a new program now that’s going to be all “Scripting” – so I’ll include this about “context” and “throw away.” It’s pretty basic to help you practice focusing on feelings and sensations and yet give enough fact so you both can follow the conversation on a “literal” level, too.

I realize I brought up another big issue here – about talking about your “history” with a man. This deserves a whole new post, so I’ll get working on it. For now – forget history.  Where you want to be is RIGHT NOW, this minute, this moment, this tiny bit of time that is the present.  Go there!

Love, Rori

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If You’re Done Being A Single Woman – Try This…

If you’re feeling overwhelmed and frustrated – especially with all the help and options you find online and just in the sheer numbers of single men everywhere… if you’re frustrated with the process of dating, the hopes you have for your romantic future that you hope dating will lead you to…if your “dating equation” is dating = dread, disappointment and despair – where one minute you’re up and the other you’re very, very down – I know how you feel, and there’s a way out of it.

There’s a way that dating can be – yes – FUN. Fun, and full of desire and excitement. Way more up than down.

I’m married now, and brilliantly so, and for a very long time – but it wasn’t always like that. I was there in the pit of despair for more years than I care to remember, crawling out for dates and crawling back home, and I don’t want you or any of my clients to be there.

The technique I discovered that stopped all that pain and frustration, that led my husband to me and made me able to have the dream relationship and marriage I have is so simple, and yet so far away from what anyone was doing then and what anyone is doing now…I had to put it into a form I could teach. That form is a Tool I call “Circular Dating.” It’s the cure for everything negative about dating, and fastest way to get your Mr. Right.
More…

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What To Do When He Says It’s Over

Here’s a letter from Trista – who’s in a situation I know almost all of us can identify with…and by seeing it from our vantage point outside the situation – it’s so clear to us…and yet, I know that when you’re there, inside the situation – it’s so much harder to get what’s going on:

“Hi Rori,

I recently listened to your interview with Christian Carter, and really connected with everything you said. But now I have a major problem.

A few weeks ago I met a guy, then we had three great dates. The third date he came to my place for dinner, and stayed the night (on a Wednesday). It was fantastic- we really connected!

I am 37 and he is 38. He has a 16y/o son that does not live with him. His son was up staying with him for three weeks (from that prev weekend). I didn’t see anything of him after that – he said he was busy with his son- and they were having issues. So that’s fine – I followed your advice and gave him space. Then he texted me the day his son left to apologize to me that he had been focusing on his son (a Sunday).

We got together the following Saturday night – again he came to mine for dinner. Again he stayed, and it was great. In hindsight I see I initiated things, but other than that nothing to hint at anything wrong. He was very chatty etc. In the morning he left after a cup of tea. We talked some more – everything seemed fine. More…

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If It’s Hard to Even Visualize Your Happy Ever After – Let’s Do This

“Visualize,” I say.

“Imagine…,” I say.

Well – what if imagining isn’t your …thing?

What if visualizing gets hairy and tricky and gets you off track? What if the imaginary “result” you get is way different than how you thought it would look?

Here’s a letter from Mary that got me started on this…

“Rori, I have just started reading your eBook “Have the relationship you want” and am stuck on pages 30-31. Every time I try to visualize what my perfect day with my man looks like I become very emotional and start to cry. I do not know where this is coming from and it is very disconcerting for me. I cannot seem to focus on what I am even looking for in a good relationship. I want to have a good relationship more than anything else in my life and here I am stuck More…

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Why Are My Partners Always Needy – Dr. Margaret Paul

Another great piece by Margaret Paul – told from a man’s point of view – so that we can see how this works for us women so very clearly…

By Dr. Margaret Paul
June 01, 2010

If you have the experience of always meeting needy or controlling people, it is likely because you are also needy and controlling and don’t realize it.

Angelo had been married to Serena for 15 years before divorcing. In his marriage, Angelo was a caretaker, always trying to please Serena, always trying to get her approval and avoid her disapproval. Serena was a taker – handing responsibility to Angelo for her happiness and often angry with him when he didn’t do what she wanted. Inside, Serena was deeply insecure, too insecure to even work, so she completely relied on Angelo financially.

Angelo felt very lonely in his marriage, which is what led to his decision to divorce.

“There was no love or affection, just demands,” Angelo told me in our first phone session.

Soon after separating from Serena, Angelo met Barbara. At the beginning Barbara was kind and affectionate, seemingly totally different than Serena.

But within a few months, she too become demanding, often complaining that Angelo wasn’t spending enough time with her. When they were together, she was often depressed, complaining that Angelo was not there for her. This is what led Angelo to seek my help.

“Why are my partners always needy? Aren’t there any women out there who are not needy?”

“Yes, there are many,” I told him, “but people come together at their common level of self-abandonment. This means that the level to which you abandon yourself with your caretaking others and trying to get love from them, is the same level at which the women you attract abandon themselves – trying to get you to take care of them. If you want to attract women who are not needy, then you need to learn to not be needy yourself.”

Angelo had never thought of himself as needy. He did not realize that caretaking others is a form of control to try to get the other person to give him the love that he had never learned to give to himself – to fill the emptiness that he was causing with his self-abandonment.

As we worked together with the Inner Bonding® process, Angelo gradually discovered how much he was abandoning himself. He saw that he never paid attention to his own feelings, staying up in his head and turning to various addictions instead of being present in his body. He realized that he never took responsibility for how empty he felt when he gave himself up or judged himself.

He began to realize that his self-judgments, compliance, addictions, and making others responsible for his feelings were making him feel anxious, depressed, and needy. He was shocked to discover that, while he was a caretaker rather than a taker and didn’t make the kind of demands on others that the women in his life made of him, he was abandoning himself as much as they were abandoning themselves – and was therefore just as needy.

Angelo soon realized that if he wanted to attract a loving and caring woman who took responsibility for herself, he would have to learn to be loving and caring toward himself. This was a challenge for him, as he had been erroneously taught that taking care of oneself is selfish instead of self-responsible. When he was young and tried to take care of himself instead of caretaking his mother, she would accuse him of being selfish.

As Angelo learned to take loving care of himself, he started to meet a very different kind of woman. He was surprised and delighted to discover that there are many women in the world who are not needy!

From Rori: This is all about what Overfunctioning is. How it’s just the flip side of neediness – and it just looks different from the men we encounter who seem “slothful takers.”

I find it so interesting to have Margaret put this to us in the frame of a man’s issue – so we can see that the psychological thing going on here is the exact same for us as for a man…and that if we’re continually attracting “feminine energy, slothful, needy men who try to hard to get something from us…” it’s just the mirror image of what we’re doing.

It’s just that it looks so different – what we do and what he does – it seems like opposites – when actually it’s just the “flip side” of the same coin.

So – ask yourself the main question Margaret brings up here …”How am I abandoning myself?” “How am I not filling myself up?”

And as you ask these questions and answer them — that’s your path to a man who can match you, truly, in a way that feels GREAT!

AND – keep this in mind – the man who can step up like this may be the man right in front of you – the man you’re already with! All that might have to happen is for you to start filling yourself up more – and that will automatically shift what’s in HIS “tank.”

As always, you can find Margaret at www.InnerBonding.com.

Love, Rori

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Give Up to Get to Your Happy Ever After

Here’s a situation Rachel is enduring – and it’s a place we’ve ALL been:

“Rori,  I need advice in an area of relationship drama that I am unfamiliar with. Ever since my break up with my exboyfriend many months ago, I feel like I’ve been in a damaging cycle.

I wanted him back so badly. I tried cutting off contact, I tried making him jealous, I tried to forget him, then I tried being friends in hopes it would lead to more. I told him I wanted to be back together (bargaining), everything. It all cycled back to us not being together.

Now, I feel so hopeless and sad, and i’m finally trying to just let go. Just give up More…

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Circular Dating Will Get You More Love Than You Can Imagine Because It’s Therapy

Here’s a simple question with a huge answer – to reframe the entire notion of “dating” for you…

Rori, Ive done circular dating in the past 3 or 4 men at a time …but i ended up feeling tired an hopeless when nothing good showed up …i felt defeated…Marika

Yeah – but Circular Dating isn’t about meeting good men.

It’s about USING every interaction with any man – at the market – anywhere – no matter who they are or what they look like – to raise your self esteem and start finding and sorting through and healing these patterns of being attracted to unavailable men and men who just can’t do the job of relationship.

If you interact with 100 men in a week – you’re going to learn more and heal More…

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How To Stop Chasing Men Out of Fear That Nothing Will Happen If You Don’t Chase

Victoria is my client – and I got her permission to reprint some of our email conversations…really, really helpful:

First – from Rori: Victoria – it was great to talk with you – I hope it’s okay with you that I was so firm and tough on you ..this is where “coaching” is so different from therapy…imagine you’re an elite sports player out there with the ball – as your coach…I keep pushing you…

I do not like to see you repeating your old patterns that you came to me to eradicate just because you’re resisting doing the work so hard.

Some clients resist Circular Dating so much, and I sense their emotional fragility and I don’t push them, but instead try to ease them out of depression or into a better frame of mind…with you…I don’t feel fragility as much as other things that I can more easily push you past. I just feel More…

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How Our Fear Of Intimacy Draws Us To Toxic, Unavailable and Plain Old Bad Men

Here’s such a perfect example of our fear of intimacy from Janice…she makes it all so totally clear to US, but it’s also clear that from inside the way she feels – she can’t see what’s really going on:

“Hi Rori
Since I wrote to you last I have been seeing Michael on a weekly basis as we go jogging around the local reservoir. This came about  after I contacted him to look around another business venture i was looking into. When i dropped him off  at his home he suggested that we go for a coffee when I was off work. So i text him a couple of Weeks later thinking that he would have forgotten but he not only agreed to going for coffee but also suggested going for a walk around the local reservoir. which we did. Then at his suggestion we started going every week and he paid for the coffees most of the time. I really enjoyed our time together and last week he suggested that I go around to his house on the Sunday to have a go at his weights, he also asked if i could collect some paint for him as he was decorating his lounge. He was going to call around to collect the paint on the Saturday if he needed it but because I was going to be around his way I agreed to take the paint around to him and ring him on the Sunday after I had returned from taking my daughter to singing lessons.

I text him when I had got the paint to which he text back thanking me. Then on the Saturday More…

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