Archive for the 'Dating' Category

Dating and Sex – What Do They Have To Do With Each Other?

Here’s a great letter from Catherine:

“Hi Rori ,

I have left a message previously on your blog. My question revolves around early dating.

I had been in contact with a guy off a dating site for a couple of months , he had given me his mobile number and asked me to text him. We chatted on phone and text for a couple of more weeks, and I felt like there was a great connection there. He went away on holiday for 2 weeks before we had actually met.

He had text me practically the minute he had landed home ! And we met within a week of him being home, which was a great success, there was fantastic chemistry there, I was doing all the sireny stuff , leaning back etc, and felt really good about things.

He had been busy over the 1st weekend, so I didn’t hear much from him , but at the start of the week he was texting etc , we had another date on the following Friday , and we ended up having sex. Which I felt ok about , just a bit scared that if we did , he would back off. I had told him that ‘did he realize that if we did have sex More…

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He Makes Me Laugh – What’s That About

Here’s a “Guest Post” from Steve Warwick:

He makes me laugh… What’s that about?

You know we all have biological imperatives and hormone markers for mating, square jaws for men, heart shaped faces for women. But what does humor have to with biology and why is it so important in the mating game?

I’ll throw out my own suggestion here as I don’t expect you to answer this.
I think it is a subtle yet accurate barometer of the psychological “fitness”
and fit of the potential mate.

Let’s take a look at two different kinds of humor here. Toilet humor. It is a lowest common denominator. Poo! No matter how smart or sophisticated, we all snigger at this once in a while. What about George Carlin and his 7 dirty words. Toilet humor? Heck no, More…

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How to Get a Quality Man to Trip Over Himself to Meet You!

My dear friend Cherry Norris – she’s a superb relationship coach, doing teleseminars because she has such a huge audience (I’ll give you the details on her next one at the end – gave me this GREAT article to guest post:

“How to Get a Quality Man to Trip Over Himself to Meet You!”
by Cherry Norris

Maria was out to dinner with her girlfriends.

At the restaurant, she noticed a cute man standing by the bar.

Maria looked at him. The man turned, saw her. Embarrassed, Maria dropped her eyes and turned her head.

“Oh my God he’s looking at me,” Maria blushed.

“Go up and introduce yourself,” one friend chided.

“No!” advised the other. “If he’s really interested, he’ll approach you. You don’t have to do anything.” More…

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Are You Wrecking Your Relationship By Giving Too Much?

Here’s a totally classic example of overfunctioning and the result it gets – which is YOU feeling resentful, angry and closed down and pushing a perfectly good man away.

“Hi Rori,

I asked my boyfriend what we are going to do this weekend, he tells me he wants to go skydiving (expensive)..and then he tells me he also wants to find a place where we can have dance lessons, as long as they are not too expensive (he knows I want to go dancing)…he then gives me an example of how he has gone to dance lessons for free in the past at a country western bar.

I feel good knowing he is wanting to take me dancing, yet I feel bad, cheap, knowing he spends a lot of money on himself going skydiving, scuba More…

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5 Keys to Finding Your Soul Mate

This is a guest post I specifically asked Orna and Matthew Walters to write for us…I love them as a couple, and what they do:

5 Keys to Finding Your Soul Mate

If you desire true soul partnership, there is a clear path to finding that special person.  Outlined here are 5 Essential Steps:

1. Treat yourself how you wish to be treated.

There is no wiggle room here.  If what you desire is respectful love, then you must be giving that love to yourself.  Embrace all the parts of you – the good, the bad, and even the ugly.
You must be willing to give yourself the same love and acceptance that you are looking for in your mate. When you embrace this then you become available for the love you most desire.

This also means that you live your life the same way you would if you already had what you desired.  So many people put off living fully until the right conditions are in place.

Besides, living your life this way will most likely put you in places where you will meet that person who shares your likes, interests, lifestyle, etc.

2. Let go of the past.

Forgive yourself, forgive the other people who have betrayed, abandoned, and disappointed you.  Discover what the lesson was for you to learn, be grateful to have that knowledge and experience and move on!

When we are focused on past hurts and disappointments then we are choosing our current mates based on what we don’t want.  Your last boyfriend cheated?  More…

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Observing Dating Conventions Gets You More Love – a Note to Men

connect with manWe have to learn.  We have to practice.  We have to develop our confidence and self-esteem, and the fastest way is to learn to receive, and to PRACTICE receiving.

If you don’t know what it feels like to be cherished — you will miss it.

You’ll avoid it.

You’ll mistake it for something else when it shows up.

You’ll mistake “chemistry” for cherishing.

That’s why it’s so important to observe the “conventions” at the beginning, because we need to learn.

This is to all the men here on the blog…please understand this:

We are not about being in some sort of “position” with you.

This is not about “status” – which is a crucial part of the “seduction community” Tools.  (Perhaps I’ve never mentioned it…but David DeAngelo is one of my dearest friends, and though he may have started out teaching men how to pick up girls, he’s evolved into a teacher of how to be a great man…so I’m VERY familiar with the pick-up legacy…) This is about CONNECTION. More…

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Attachment to a Man, Relationship Anxiety, Hormones and Sex Too Soon

sex and relationshipCindy is my classic client. Seemingly strong, high self-esteem – until something kicks in the “attachment” hormone and downward we go emotionally. I’m going to jump off of her letter to me and see if I can help you if this keeps happening to you:

“Rori, This is all so different… I just got your ebook and started working in it. You are so open and honest and I really relate. I am 55 years old, men are attracted to me and I have no trouble meeting and initially spending time with them. Once it goes into more than casual dating (kisses, calls, regular dates) I seem to change from “easy to be with” Cindy to “I have to keep him and he may see the real me and leave for someone better” Cindy.

I have always tried to be what “he” wants and to make him into what I want. This has not worked and I have been single for over 20 years since my divorce. I recently met a wonderful man and it was going well for 7 weeks. We slept together last Thursday and I then felt insecure and when he told a woman at the marina that I was “not his wife, I was his friend”, I told him I thought we had more than that I wouldn’t have slept with him if i thought we were only friends….. More…

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Relationship Advice From a Man: How To Be Feminine With a Man and Qualify Him

relationship adviceThis guest post (and, for me – great, simple dating and relationship advice) is from a comment here by Jason Miller. He’s referring to comments on the Why He Disappeared post - specifically Gidget’s (comment #79) – where she says “And it is because i treat men just like i treat women” – Lucy’s (#87) – and Erika’s:

“Gidget makes a good point about over-analyzing men. When I have coached men around dating issues in the past, much of their problem has to do with “being in their heads” too much. They are thinking too much and not feeling their masculinity. They disassociate from their bodies to prevent them from feeling and being in the moment. Women do this too at the expense of cutting themselves off from their femininity, intuition, and natural power. Anything a woman can do to ground herself and connect with her own body will make her more attractive and empowered to make good decisions for herself.

Now, this is only half of the equation. The modern man and woman must re-learn courtship strategies that have been core to our species since we walked upright on two legs. The industrial revolution, equal rights movement of the 60′s, and outrageous advances in technology have interfered dramatically with our ability to connect and commit in meaningful ways. Our culture changes at internet speeds now. We have blown everything up and now we’re totally lost and confused. We have to recreate everything in a whole new way.

Here’s the basic courtship strategy for the woman who wants to attract a man who primarily operates in his masculine energy. Put yourself out there and flirt. Present your feminine side first in all social situations. Be girly. Men will approach. Your job is to screen them to see how grounded they are in their masculinity and ability to commit, among other traits. Test their leading abilities and if they fail, discard them. You are never obligated to proceed farther with any man you don’t want to. And you can test them forever if you want to. Keep your boundaries and values INTACT. These are the things you should not compromise. But don’t be uncompromising toward the man in front of you. He’s a human being too. Appreciate him for who he is even if he’s not the one for you.

Note from Rori: Jason is a friend of Erika Awakening‘s (that’s how he found us here) – and this next part is about her. I’m leaving it in because he’s using her as an example – and the part about “mixing up energies” won’t make sense unless I do.  You can find Erika’s comments on the same post, along with Gidget and Lucy and so many other fabulous comments…

Erika teaches empathy and she’s right about how effective it is. We’ve forgotten it as a culture. One thing you should know about Erika. She is the ONLY woman I know who is fully engaged in this strategy. She is congruently feminine in her relationships with men. All other women I know are mixing up their masculine and feminine energy in some way and creating unsatisfactory results.

Some of you have mentioned these behaviors already: interviewing men on dates, initiating contact with them to keep things moving, leading when you should be seeing if the man steps up to lead, etc. You’re thinking too much and you’re trying to control the outcome using your head, your logical mind, your ego, YOUR MASCULINE SIDE!! Let the man do that and see what happens. Stay connected to yourself and rely on your intuition more. It’s in there.”

I’m not even going to comment on this – I think it’s great, specific advice.

Love, Rori

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How to Use and Be Successful on OkCupid!

dating tipsI found someone wonderful to help me with your profiles and pictures for online dating – I think it’s the single most serious, and yet easy-to-fix problem most women have in getting good responses from men online…if you want me to look at your pix and profiles on match.com (or anywhere else), let me know – email my assistant Melanie@CoachRori.com, then I’ll look at what you have up, see if I think I can help, and work with my new “profile” assistant to get you set up better. I’ll have her email back and forth with you and quote a price (she’s EXTREMELY reasonable). I’ll stay in touch with the process and make sure I like it before it gets to you…so you don’t have to worry about me now okaying it…(she’s great at getting the Feeling language in there in a lovely way…)

You’ll know she’s amazing when you read this – I asked her for detailed instructions on how to use OKCupid.com:

Let’s start in the beginning. You want to try online dating, but how to get started?

There are tons of different sites out there, but how can you choose which one to try? OkCupid is the best online dating site to try first because: It’s free and More…

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How To Talk To a New Man About Your Kids

Yes – I know this is headlined to be about a situation where you’re a mom and he’s asking questions (and it is) – but the principles I talk about here hold for ALL situations where you feel you’re being asked stuff you don’t want to talk about, where you have judgments about the men who ask those questions – so you can get a new perspective all around…

“Rori, I have learned some pretty significant lessons on what not to say to a man-date. It is difficult because I have adopted kids with my ex and I have no child support and he has no access to them by court order. Men can not understand this. And they find out because they ask or make “dumb” remarks that I can’t let go of. It tends to go like this:

Man: “So, you are divorced now how long?”

me: 7 years

Man: “so you have 2 kids, young adults, on their own I presume?”

Me: No, they are with me

Man: so, how old? boy? girl?

me: boy 12, girl 14

Man: !!!?

me: I came late to parenthood by adoption

Man: oh, so are you one week on one week off?

Me: No – unfortunately he has no access by his choice.

Man: !!! #$#^& ^&*%$@ @@$#%^

Me: well, it is by his choice. And we are doing quite fine, my kids are well adjusted – I spent a great deal of effort making sure all was well, and that is why I have only just started dating…

Like these convos are so incredibly awkward. That is why I just came up with the following line and it seems to be working much more effectively:

‘I am a solo mom, with 2 really terrific teens – I happen to really like teens much more than children – the father has chosen not to be a part of their lives and that seems to work just fine for all of us. It has been quite the ride for sure (I put this in because men know to have gotten here, I would have most likely gone through hell so just to make sure I am not out in lala land it is here) and we have worked through a lot of stuff and all is well.’

When they ask for more – I just say ‘naturally there are character building stories there and maybe one day I will share, right now I feel the present is way more important – it is all about how I feel and right now I am feeling the joy of being with you.’

That seems to stop all further questions, and it lets them off the hook with their own stories. Now I say, just the facts man: years married; number and age of kids; dating long? They love it when I say “just the facts man” as if I was a pretend cop. Thanks, Liz”

Here’s my answer:

Liz – first thing I notice is – in your written dialogue, “Man” is capitalized, and “me” is not! What’s that about?

Then:

1. Your dialogue is completely unnecessary.

It should start like this: He asks, “Do you have kids?”

Then you smile, you feel how much you love them, and you say “I feel so lucky, yes, to have these 2 great kids…they’re teenagers, they feel fabulous to have around…”

And every other sentence is a Feeling Message!!

You are so not unusual.

You have two teenagers – so?

All you need is a man who likes you enough to get to know them, and then will like them…simple…if YOU can be happy – THEY’LL be happy.

Stop trying to EXPLAIN things, or EXPLAIN the circumstances.

Absolutely IRRELEVANT.

Just share your feelings, not your history…

Now – how does this work if the situation isn’t about kids – but instead about your net worth, your job, your home, your choice of hair color or dress…anything?

Do you instinctively want to EXPLAIN yourself?

Do you instinctively want to tell a man the WHY of his question, the WHY of your choice?

Then just go back to my original instruction:

1. Catch yourself explaining yourself and STOP.

2. Breathe.

3. Feel your body. Become aware of the tension in your muscles, bones, cells, and relax them one by one.

4. Now have a PREPARED speech and script for anything that might come up – questions about your work, anything – in FEELING MESSAGES.

Like:

“I feel so lucky to be helping people…ohhh, I’m a social worker…” (or a nurse, or a teacher….just add more happy detail to how you feel about your work.

“I’m feeling overwhelmed these days being in transition with my work…so many decisions need to be made and I feel a bit…confused…”

Then you let him ask MORE questions, and you answer the same way.

Just “throw away” as an afterthought, or just as a matter of “context” what it is your job is actually, logistically “called” – so he knows what you’re talking about – and stick with the feelings.

Let me know how all this works for you…Oh – I’m working on a new program now that’s going to be all “Scripting” – so I’ll include this about “context” and “throw away.” It’s pretty basic to help you practice focusing on feelings and sensations and yet give enough fact so you both can follow the conversation on a “literal” level, too.

I realize I brought up another big issue here – about talking about your “history” with a man. This deserves a whole new post, so I’ll get working on it. For now – forget history.  Where you want to be is RIGHT NOW, this minute, this moment, this tiny bit of time that is the present.  Go there!

Love, Rori

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