Archive for the 'Dating' Category

From Heartbreak To a Fabulous Date – How Free Therapy Works

date-linedrawingThis is a quick post that will take you through the process of Circular Dating when you’re actually still seeing a man you love, feeling heartbreak, and where “dating” is the last thing you feel like doing.   Ellen is going about this step by step, and making some mistakes I correct so you don’t have to make them!:

“Rori, Okay I am much better today.. much better. I made a pact with myself prior to going to bed last night that I would have no more bad bad days… I would feel it and let it go . It worked wonderfully/ I still get pangs here and there some of them are mine and I know some of them are his. When I recognize a feeling that is not my own, I just let it go… when I “know” it is him I just say… No Don… this is yours not mine” and it leaves me.

So I received the Reconnect Your Relationship CDs and they are great. I had to drive for work today so I was able to listen to nearly the whole program. It is my favorite of the 3 I have.

I have a dinner date tonight which I am looking forward to the practice. I will try to use a lot of feeling messages but don’t guys think … weird she is saying “feeling” allot??  I have been asked out for a couple more coffee dates and I will accept one for this week. I cannot be dating every day… number one I am still learning and number 2, I have my daughter who I want to spend time with too.  Ellen”

Here was my answer to her:

Ellen – you are doing great! I’m totally impressed with what you’re doing here, and so happy you’re feeling better. It may take you a few days to feel natural with the new language – that’s why the boring, toady men come in handy, you won’t care how the practice goes…I think you’ll be surprised how quickly you catch on, and then all we have to do is “tweak” – you go girl!

It’s all free therapy – so do as much of it as you logistically can. Remember to write down what you felt, the Tools you used – so that it FEELs like therapy and all about YOU and not about any dating success thing…Love, Rori

Ellen wrote me again, to update me:

“Thank you for the support, Rori. The date went well… and I did use a few of the tools which made me feel powerful and wow… he really stepped up to the plate. It was amazing… he kinda fell all over himself.  Listening to your Reconnect series… wow… I did EVERYTHING wrong with Don… I mean EVERYTHING.

This guy last night… he did stay overnight, but I told him no to naked and no to sex that I just did not feel comfortable with that since I don’t know him that well.  I am not sure it was a good idea to let him stay, he may of been a little distant this AM so I may or may not hear from him again. Overall the date was a success though. I think I have had enough for this week.. if I get asked out for the weekend, I will accept. I need to spend some time with my daughter, Ellen”

Here’s what I wrote back:

Ellen – you ROCK!!

Now – okay, you had a long date that lasted overnight. Please don’t do that again.

I want you to focus on SHORT dates- no longer than ½ hour for the first – a coffee meeting or a walk with the coffee, a speed dating evening so you get a bunch of 5 minute experiences – let’s see how fast you can “connect” emotionally – while all the other women are doing “get-to-know-standard-stuff” – you’ll be Feeling Message and authentically speaking the truth in the moment and practicing… (okay – special occasions, or you can experiment with longer dates…but those will not do the job for you here as well as a LOT of short ones.)

The point is the “therapy,” the practice…not whether it goes well, but what you’re learning.

Sometimes it’s going to go “icky” – and that may be the MOST powerful lesson…so don’t judge the experience…just experience it! – and practice. It will take ALL the pressure off you, and then things can HAPPEN without you TRYING to make them happen.

There are some very specific instructions here for Circular Dating when you are actually “dating.”  The same principle goes for simply saying “Thank You” to a strange man who does something chivalrous who opens the door for you at the coffee house, or smiling at a man who’s looking at you, or responding with Feeling Messages to a man who starts talking to you in the middle of a line at the dry cleaners.

(Also – I left in Ellen’s references to my Reconnect your Relationship program.  Each of you will have your own favorite, the one that sings to you most in the situation you’re in right now.  There’s so much in Reconnect that’s unbelievably powerful and nowhere else in my programs…I’d love to know how each program you have works for you in different ways…)

It’s all just “Practice.”  Circular Dating is designed to take the pressure off yourself, so you can focus on just doing the Tools and letting them do the work FOR you.

Let me know how your specific moments are going with Circular Dating, and we’ll put together a faq on it together!

Love, Rori

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Self-Acceptance Is the Key to Feeling Loved

heartfatThis is an article by Matthew Walter and Orna Banarie, who have a fantastic story of how they found each other (the wedding is just about to happen…). Matthew is a terrific hypnotherapist, and Orna does life and relationship coaching using hand analysis (I personally had a great reading by her) — and now, the two of them are teaching, in teleclasses and coaching, what they’ve learned from their own amazing experience finding love with each other when they least expected it…(see how relaxed they are with each other…)

Which one of these scenarios best describes your experience in relationships? orna-and-matthew

1. You always find yourself needing to please your partner. Constantly putting their needs ahead of yours, you find that at times you feel resentful wondering when all of your selfless action will be recognized and reciprocated. You wish your partner would be able to anticipate your needs as well as you anticipate theirs. Ultimately, all of this leads to you constantly twisting into a pretzel to receive love.

2. You feel like you’ve been duped in your relationship. You thought you knew who your partner was until you made that deeper commitment and everything changed. Suddenly your partner has different opinions than you and begins to express them. This person is no longer interested in doing the things that you did during your courtship. In fact it may seem like you’ve married or moved in with a completely different person.

3. You are extremely attracted to people who reject you. It seems that the more you are told that you are not right for that person, the more you want to prove them wrong. You may even begin a process of changing who you are in order to become more like what you think that person wants. When you meet someone who is attracted to you and likes you for who you are, you are not interested in that person. You may even feel that person is not worthy of being with you as it would be too easy to start a relationship with them. You prefer a challenge and like the chase, but lose interest when you get the prize.

These may seem like completely different scenarios, but they all point to a common problem – a lack of self-acceptance. In the first scenario the person lacks an ability to see their needs as valuable. When we seek approval outside of ourselves we find ourselves twisting into pretzels. We often think “What shape can I assume that will make me attractive to you?” This is a game of rejecting who we are and hoping that the new shape we assume will be loveable. When what we really need to do is to learn to accept all of our qualities, both good and bad, and by finding that acceptance then we can be authentic in relationship with others.

In the second scenario the partner in the relationship isn’t purposefully deceiving their partner. Instead, this is caused by someone thinking that it is not okay or safe to be themselves until they get that deeper commitment from you. They finally relax and allow their true self to be revealed to you. This is not usually a conscious choice to deceive you. It happens because that person does not believe that you would love them for who they really are. That person lacks a sense of self-acceptance.

In the last scenario the problem lies with a sense of worthlessness and an inability to receive. This person seeks that rejection because that is what they feel inside. Often times when they are in relationship with the person who does love them for who they are, they will sabotage the relationship to prove that they were not worthy of receiving love and acceptance. The desire to prove themselves worthy to the person who rejects them is really a desire to prove to themselves that they are worthy.

Why is self-acceptance so important in your relationships? Because how you see yourself, how you feel about yourself – self-judgment, self-criticism, etc – effects your ability to be authentic in relationship. The belief is that if you show your true self you will not be loved. The problem is if you don’t ever show your true self, then you can never be loved for who you really are.

Another problem that arises in relationship that comes from a lack of self-acceptance is that we begin to judge our partner’s behavior and become critical of them. If it is true that all judgment is self-judgment, then when we are so annoyed by our partner’s behavior we can ask ourselves “Is this a reflection of a fault within my character?”

Only by knowing what we truly need to be happy, what we truly need in order to nurture ourselves, can we feel comfortable asking our partners to love us in the way we truly can receive love. It is in the search for self-acceptance, that all parts of us are worthy of being loved, that we begin to learn to love ourselves. When we love ourselves it becomes easy to ask for what we want, it becomes easy to enforce our boundaries, and it becomes easy to receive the love we most desire. That love is what “true love” is all about.

Orna and Matthew are doing a continuing series of free teleclasses…and I’ll be interviewing them soon for my monthly Interviews With Relationship Experts CD series. You can read more about what they’re doing (you can find them on facebook, too) right here:
www.CreatingLoveOnPurpose.com

Love, Rori

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Intimacy — Afraid? How To Start Doing It Anyway -

manflowersbehindbackIt’s possible that most of us have never known true intimacy from the moment we came into the world.

We’ve been labelled, taught, cajoled and prodded, been threatened by all forms of authority, told what’s true and what isn’t, and disrespected for everything from our feelings to our thoughts. Our relationships have been more about pleasing others than pleasing ourselves.

More about struggling and using our wits to get what we need and what we think we want than discovering what it is we really want.

Sometimes we need someone else to tell us that it’s okay to want what we want.

Sometimes we only accidentally discover that the person we really are, warts and all, underneath all the masks and games we’ve learned to put between ourselves and others, is truly loveable. It can change our lives forever, or remain a lost opportunity forever.

Someone sees us — really sees us — in a moment of accidental abandon and their heart fills up with love for us. We deny this possibility and push that someone away because we so don’t believe we are loveable.

Does this sound like you? It’s most all of us.

We can’t, or won’t get close enough to someone who may very well be a great partner for us because we’ve never done it.

We don’t know how.

When I was an actor, I did not have access to my emotions (pretty big skill limitation for an actor).

I could pretend fairly well, and it got me far –I could laugh nearly anytime, but I was completely detached from my anger and pain. An actor friend told me — “fake it til you make it.” Meaning, if I pounded the table hard enough and long enough with my fist, I’d feel angry. If I hit my hand with a hammer over and over again, I’d feel pain. I’d probably cry.

I use some of this “fake it til you make it” philosophy in teaching you how to express yourselves (and sharing all the techniques I discovered to find my feelings and dig deeper into the feelings and learn to express them no matter what) — because we’ve all already been pounding the table and hitting ourselves with hammers to feel bad, instead of finding and using new things to do that make us feel good.

Sometimes, just not saying or doing something can trigger the real stuff. Sometimes, just not saying or doing something you’ve always said or done in the same situation will change the pattern of your life forever.  Change the dynamic in a relationship you may already be in — forever.

Trust creeps in, in small ways.

Intimacy takes hold in the spaces between words.

Not speaking not from your heart leaves room for speaking from your heart.

The next time you’re tempted to tell a man what to do, even though you know how to do it better than he does, or to even just tell him what you think — stop yourself. Stop talking. See what happens.

So what do you do when you’ve stopped talking?

How do you communicate anything? The simple answer is to use an “I feel” message. This sounds easy. But it’s probably something you don’t really have words for. Starting with “I feel” is the perfect start, but what then?

Go with what’s really there. Feel the floor under your feet. Feel the table in front of you. Feel your heart beat, your stomach gurgle, the tightness in your chest that’s there because you’re mad, or upset, or frustrated, or giddy, and you don’t know what to say.

Feel the most concrete, real, simple thing you can, and say that. Just saying, “I’m hungry” is better than “Let’s go to that little Italian place, okay?”

This is a game, you say. No, it isn’t. It’s the missing link. The missing piece that we never learned as children. We learned how to get along, how to influence others, how to look and do good, but we never learned how to even make contact with what we really feel, much less ever said it simply.

A woman who can say what she feels, simply, directly, passionately, with energy and conviction or matter-of-factness will find her man in record time. And there will be nothing to stop him from grabbing her and running with it.

Remember the public display Tom Cruise did over Katie Holmes?  Well, that wasn’t bad, or weird, or bizarre. It’s the way men are supposed to behave when they’re in love — only we’ve all forgotten. They’re supposed to turn cartwheels.  And they DO. But we’re all embarrassed. We’re all afraid of intimacy. What would happen if we behaved as if we weren’t?

Love, Rori

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If He’s In An Emotional Relationship With Another Woman — Do This

handsome-guyHave you ever felt so helpless over a “friendship” your man has with a woman that you can’t control your jealousy? Where the urge to STOP him is so strong it’s all you can think about?

Christine is in this situation, and she left a question for me as a comment — I thought it was so universal and powerful a question I wanted to put it in a post so everyone could read it and my answer:

“Dear Rori,

I can’t begin to tell you how much I hate myself right now! I am jealous and insecure over my fiance’s friend from work. She is going through a nasty divorce and just lost her dad to cancer recently. My fiance is trying to be her friend (as he says) because he’s been through what she is going through, he had a nasty divorce and lost his grandpa to cancer last year.

He says that he still loves me and wants myself and his co-worker to be friends eventually. But how do I get past this jealousy that I feel since they have a connection that I don’t have? This feeling caused me to accuse him of cheating on me (something he has never done) because family and friends have told me that because he is trying to be friends with her and is pulling away from me is trying to tell me that he wants to end it by cheating.

Please help me I don’t want to lose him! He is the only man that has ever loved me for me, I don’t want to throw away 3 years of a normally great relationship up to now.  Christine.”

***Here’s my answer:

Whoa, Christine – okay–get OFF the train you’re on.

Just step off the jealousy train. Step OFF.

Now get on another train. This train is LOVE FOR CHRISTINE!! I want you to hug yourself and love yourself SO hard you feel safe in your own arms.

Now– this is an emotional thing he has with this woman. If you try to step into it — you will LOSE.

Instead – you must build your self-confidence – double it – triple it…and get REALLY BUSY. This means activities, classes, FUN THINGS! I want you SMILING ALL THE time.

AND – I want you VULNERABLE. You’re going to have to out-girl this other woman, and you can’t do it by creating some drama for yourself. You’re going to have to do it with Feeling Messages – and they’re going to have to be happy, positive, passionate ones.

Come up with some ideas…post them here – everyone – please help with ideas (and I’ll write a new post around this) to be vulnerable in a happy way instead of a negative way. Complaining here will do you in. You cannot see her as a competitor. You’re going to have to BEAT this jealousy thing and prevail over your man’s heart in a different way — and that way is marked “GIRL”!!

I also want you to flirt your ass off out there when he’s not with you – this is Circular Dating within a relationship. We’ll all help, and the Targeting Mr. Right category here will give you some basics…Love, Rori

***Now that I’ve had time to digest the question and my answer — I KNOW it’s easy for me and you to tell Christine to shift gears lightening fast.

Many, many men have female friends they don’t want to lose — friends YOU will have to become friends with or at least tolerate HIM being friends with.  This means lunches, dinners…all kinds of things he might not want to give up.

Most men would get that this isn’t going to work when they’re in a romantic, serious relationship.  Most men get that women are jealous and will not tolerate another woman around their man.

And yet, there are plenty of men who don’t know this, don’t care to know this, and if they did know it (when you tell them) — they will accuse you of being insecure, jealous, and having low self-esteem.

And some men just don’t want to be told what to do.

Here’s my take — we’re all different, and some of us can handle a bunch of other women in our man’s life, and most of us can’t.  Or at least — don’t WANT to.

And, you know — that’s enough to say NO to a man.  Some things are dealbreakers.

If it’s one for you (as it was for me when I got serious with my husband) — you have to catch it early, you have to share with him that this won’t work for you and is a dealbreaker, and then simply not invest yourself in this man.

Marriage is supposed to be great.  It’s supposed to be best friends and passion — and it’s supposed to be a team.

Asking a man to give up his friends is not a good thing.  A man will just sort of naturally dial back on the friendships with other women. Aand know this — if he was interested in her, she would be more than a friend.

An old girlfriend is not a threat to you except in these two ways –

>>She’s a “backup” for you, emotionally.  When things go wrong in your relationship, instead of working on things with you, he can go to her.  And…

>>She takes up emotional room.

And none of that feels good.

A “new” woman friend is something that can happen through work and sports and hobbies — and would be totally unacceptable.  At least for me.

If this woman “needs” him – she’s “outgirling” Christine and allowing him to use his masculine energy with her and feel very manly about it. Because her situation seems more legitimate for needing him, she is vulnerable rather than demanding.  Cancer and loss beats jealousy and insecurity.

Christine’s jealousy — the way she’s expressing it, is working against her.

And she’s in an impossible situation.  The more she worries about his connection with this woman, the more she feeds it.

If she would focus her energy on herself, instead, and ramp up the attraction between her and her man instead of obsessing, thinking about him all the time and essentially dialing DOWN the attraction — he would likely move further away from from this other woman and closer to Christine.

Love, Rori

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Sexy Warrior Woman You

glass-ballJustin/Fernando just left a great comment in which he said how men find “Warrior” women sexy. How men actually love being “called” on their “bs” because then they know that what a woman wants is who they really are and not who they might like to pretend to be.

So what exactly is a Warrior woman?

Does it mean that you are always on the warpath? Are you always looking for something to pounce on and correct? Are you out to change the world by changing every little thing you see around you? Are you out to improve everything you see — including your man?

Or are you a warrior for yourself?

And what would that look like?

Let’s say you’re with a man and in this very moment you feel totally torn and totally conflicted. Two sides of you are trying to gain control of your mind and your actions. Something is happening that does not feel good. It could be him asking you to do something or go somewhere that you just don’t feel like doing are going. Or it could be something he does — roll his eyes or dismiss you in words, or comment about another woman’s attractiveness right in front of you. Ick…

Part of you wants to smash him in the face. Wants to grab him by his jacket or his shirt and shake him and toss him until he behaves. Another part of you is terrified that if you even question for a moment what he’s done or asked for… you will be labeled as needy, complaining, insecure, a drama queen, and he will move away from you and maybe even leave you.

This is what I call walking on eggshells.

And you’d be surprised how many of us are caught in this loop. We either blurt out everything we want changed and stick to our guns and air our opinions and requests for change and then feel terrible and frightened and angrier afterward… or we sit on stuff, telling ourselves that we are poised, we are confident, we are together, we don’t have to get all upset about this “thing,” we have a sense of humor, we can talk about this reasonably.

And sometimes that voice is right! Sometimes what you’re all bent out of shape about is hardly worth even a moment of your brainpower.

Sometimes you’re just looking in the wrong place, hearing the wrong thing, focusing on the wrong part of what’s going on around you.

So what’s the Warrior in you to do? What exactly do you champion? How do you champion yourself here, when you don’t know which “yourself” to listen to?

So let’s go through some steps:

If you’re feeling unsettled, disturbed (I love that word and I love the state “disturbed” describes), and conflicted, just

1. Stop whatever you’re doing.

>> Stop
>> take a breath
>> go into the Rori Raye Dance Position
>> put your hand on an object and…
>> stomp on the floor.

You are caught between your emotions. And your emotions are caught between wanting to fight, wanting to flee, and wanting to freeze. And some of it is not under your control right now. Some of it is a reaction that’s coming from old patterns that are deeply ingrained in every cell of your body.

So…

2. Start picking through your emotions.

First, you have to

>> Feel each one.

Start with the one that comes up first. If it’s an urge to hit and strike out and “fight” — go into that feeling. Really experience it — in your arms, in your hands. Experience if you feel your hands clenching into a fist, if you feel like reaching out to push and hurt, to DO something destructive. Really let yourself get into that. If you have to leave the room for a minute to do it — do it. EXPLORE each feeling as it passes through you..

If the next feeling feels like fear, or guilt, feel that. You can tell what it is you’re feeling most easily by going straight to your body for clues.

Look at your hands. Do they feel like going out to push something? That would be anger and an urge to fight. Or do they feel like pulling something towards you? Does it feel like they want to protect you? Protect your heart, protect your breasts, protect your breath?

Do your hands and arms feel like they want to block something? Does the rest of your body feel like it’s moving backwards — like it wants to go away, wants to run?

Notice if your shoulders are all crunched up near your ears. Does that feel more to you like fear, or anger, or love, or shame, or guilt?

Let your shoulders go, let your arms go and see if you can find the feeling now in your belly. See if it’s jumping or if it feels hard.

Start getting familiar with what your feelings feel like. You’ll start to notice a pattern — a physical pattern — that will help you clue into what it is you’re feeling. And as you experiment with feeling these different feelings that have different physical components, you’ll start to get more COMFORTABLE feeling these feelings.

3. Now – put on your Warrior clothes.

Make it up. Are you an angel with wings? A Greek Goddess in gown, or pants and boots with bows and arrows, or a superwoman superhero with space-age weapons? How do you wish to aim — very subtly and accurately, or do you wish to have the power to blow away whole universes with the press of a button on your gear?

4. Now… and here is the hardest part… what are you fighting for? Who are you fighting for? And on behalf of which emotion that you felt are you fighting for?

The easiest way to do this is to –

>> Pick a Value that is dear to your heart. Pick the first one that comes to your mind (if you don’t already have a Values List sit down and make one now)

Let’s just pick one for now — how about Peace? Or Authenticity? How about Honor? You could honor your “little girl self” — you could honor your Vulnerability — you could simply honor your own ability to feel.

***Important note: you are not to use the word “defend.” This is not about protection or defense. This is not about being a warrior who “goes to war.” A warrior who writes wrongs. A warrior who sets the record straight. These images are all MASCULINE images. These are fine for many things in your life when you’re going “Out the Window” and want to be an action Warrior for the world. (We’re all really good at this, and I’ll talk about it more in another post…)

A WOMAN as Warrior simply says NO. Being a FEMININE Warrior is all about being about No.

5. Get a big perspective on the situation you’re in at this very moment. (There are more Tools for “Zooming Out” and “Flying Up” in my Toxic Men and Modern Siren programs…)

This could look like: There are people standing around in this room. My man, or that man who just came up to talk to me just said or did something and now I’m feeling uneasy and disturbed, and I have many wonderful emotions around all this.

6. Now… you’re going to follow the procedure for any Rori Raye “speech.” It goes basically — I feel, I don’t want. If you want to actually negotiate something, it can go — I feel, I don’t want, what do you think.

7. So let’s put it all together.

>> Imagine yourself in your warrior clothes, armed with your NO, standing up for a value like Vulnerability, seeing everything that’s around you and being present with it all.

>> Put together your first sentence of “I feel” with the feeling you’re feeling right now (that you’ve already felt and gotten comfortable with feeling) and speak it simply.

>> Now put together your NO in the form of “I don’t want….”

This could look like: I feel icky, I don’t like this.

8. If he doesn’t snap-to and ask you what’s going on, take the time to start from step one again. All the same feelings are going to start flooding in on you. The first few times you try this is going to feel just like the first time — and then you get so used to it that it will get easy, I know it will. Be sure to keep your warrior clothes on.

Being a warrior for yourself is not about attacking. It’s not about doing damage. It’s not about blowing people and things in the universe away with your power.

It’s about owning your power. It’s about owning your warrior clothes and your warrior heart and your warrior weapons and knowing you can use them, and trusting yourself to use them wisely.

Being a warrior for yourself is holding the line. It’s standing your ground. Its boundaries with a big capital B. It just means you won’t be pushed backwards from that line. It just means you won’t be pushed over. It just means you won’t lay down on the ground at his feet and do what ever it takes to keep him.

It doesn’t even mean fighting or attacking the other voices in your own head that are confusing you and disturbing you. It’s owning all the other voices no matter how nasty they sound. It’s about being a warrior of yourself that’s in CHARGE of all of these voices. It’s knowing that all of these voices and everything about you is ONE. That you are all-of-a-piece. That you are one whole person. That you have facets just like a magnificent crystal and that the crystal of you is whole.

So being a warrior for yourself has nothing to do with what emotion you’re feeling! It is not an action arising out of any particular emotion.

You don’t need to go to war! Being a warrior for love or a warrior for peace will help you know, deep down, that everything you do and say in service to yourself, following these steps, will make you feel more complete, more interesting, more multifaceted, more whole.  Stronger. I know that you are one gorgeous warrior woman. Rock on.

I’d love to see some drawings of what you as Warrior looks like — what you’re wearing and what you’re packing (these don’t have to be aggressive weapons — we can have fun and get creative here) — and I’ll try to figure out a way that you can post your pictures. For now though, would you describe yourself as Warrior to us?

Love, Rori

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Is He Stringing You Along?

bachelor-roses1Have you ever stayed hooked on a man, afraid to do anything that would rock the boat, even though the relationship is totally stuck?

We all have.  And I don’t want you to do that anymore.

Here’s a letter from Jeanette to start the conversation:

“Dear Rori, I am in a long distance relationship and have been for 2 years. He says he is not ready to commit. I want that but he says it takes him a while. With his first 2 marriages, he said it took him 4 years each to make the decision. Well we are 55 and 57 years old. Come on!! I don’t think it should take this long…is he just stringing me along? Please help! Jeanette”

***Jeanette, here’s my short answer: Yes and No.

Yes, he’s stringing you along…and…

No, he’s not, because he doesn’t know he’s doing it. He thinks you’re OKAY with this. He thinks this is “dating.” He’s “expecting” to know what he wants to do about you…sometime.

In other words — it’s not his fault that you’re stuck like this — and so what we need to do is find your ANGER — and instead of turning it on HIM, use it to get you OUT of this stuck-in-the-mud situation and COMPEL him to step up and commit.

The problem here is in your interpretation of what he says and what’s going on.

What you need to do — right now — is

1. Circular Date. In fact…I would OFFICIALLY Circular Date by putting up an online profile, getting the word out to friends that you’re dating now, and going to events and classes that interest you so you can make new friends who will lead you to more men.

The exact how-tos of how to USE Circular Dating (even if you’re not technically “dating” right away) are in my Targeting Mr. Right program, and there are lots of free Tools around it on this blog…

The very fact that you would stay in a long-distance relationship this long with a man who has clearly told you he’s not ready to commit to you tells me that you’re terrified of real intimacy and a real relationship, so…

2. The work you need to do is to get yourself ready to get deeply involved with someone who doesn’t have such “issues.”

This would be my confidence-boosting Tools and Tools for getting strong on the outside and soft on the inside and becoming a MAGNET for men just because you’re so totally IN LOVE with YOURSELF — like in Modern Siren.

3. For now, just focus on my Tool of Feeling Messages – practice delivering them NON-STOP as a way to get more connected to your most important asset – your EMOTIONS, and learn how to express them in the most appealing and good-feeling way possible.

Most men are very lonely — especially at this age — and would LOVE to marry a woman who’s confident, financially stable and affectionate. Go find those men!

4. Get your focus OFF of this particular man. He may step up, he may not…either way — it’s YOU who must go forward.

And we’re all here to HELP you…

Love, Rori

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Twisted Dark Forces, True Connection and Considering Love

handheart200Here’s my answer to a lovely comment by Terrance (there’s a whole series of his comments, so find them all…) about his relationship with a woman he dates — who he spends more time with than any other woman, and who he hopes will “develop” to her “full potential” and be a fantastic partner for him.

Okay – I watch enough “Bachelor” and “Bachelorettes” to see how this works (Yeah, we’re supposed to laugh at that, but…we really can see it.)

This season I saw Reid and Kiptyn take it all the way to the end with rings, etc…but when I saw the footage of Jill and Ed in bed together just nuzzling – I almost felt I had to look away, it was so personal and private.

Don’t know if anything will last, or if anything is real, but I saw men mull it over, and I saw a man fall in love.  Even if it’s all make-believe and fabricated and acting – it was obvious, clear, unvarnished, you could feel it.

I saw men talk about love, and I felt a man FEEL it.

The first “Bachelorette’s” Ryan was like that with Trista.  My husband is like that with me.  You, Terrance, may be like that at some moment with your “right woman.”

And you may not.

You may be a man who needs to “consider” other things on your way to Forever After.

Sometimes, a man will serve himself best if he marries a woman without that “feeling,” and after “considering.”

Same for a woman.   Marrying a man after “consideration” instead of from that “all-enveloping love” that does exist, but doesn’t necessarily have to exist in order to actually HAVE the blissful love and relationship and intimacy you want – the whole lifelong shebang.

Sometimes, a more comprehensive, intelligent, well-considered thing takes over when a man usually has the WRONG impulses and he figures that out – when every woman he FEELS that way about (just like us) is the total “Miss Wrong.”

He will, when he’s ready in his life to marry, marry a woman who may not elicit the gut level, primal, capital letters love he remembers as a young man and still dreams about, but who elicits the compelling urge to combine forces with her on all levels.

If a wise man makes this choice, rather than to cater to his subconscious trauma responses and compensations and the attractions he was born into…he will make a “good match” with a woman who makes him feel GREAT.

I think, Terrance, this is what you’re thinking about doing, here.  Thinking about taking this well-considered route instead of blindly following the FEELING. And I want to say BRAVO to you…and…something tells me there’s a time for “well-considered” and a time for “gut” – and that you’re in your “gut” time, and that you’ll know the woman when you FEEL it.

So… if you are a woman and dating Terrance, and he’s still dating other women but spending most of his time with you…and YOU are truly Circular Dating and not getting all hung up on Terrance and trying to hide it…this is a good deal for you as long as you aren’t hung up.

AND – for a woman with a guy as cool as Terrance, with the feelings we women generally have if we’ve been with a man awhile…it’s pretty much not all that possible to be “not hung up.”  Polyamory is a dream for most of us.  A titillating dream sometimes, a nightmare most.

You are doing the right thing, Terrance, for now, and sooner or later, you will have to make a choice, or you’ll feel like you’re leading her on. You’ll have to weigh your options and make a choice to commit to her and keep her or let her go — and — I think it will become very clear to you what to do.

I have a dear friend, a relationship expert himself, who found himself in the situation of not knowing which dream to fulfill — his dream of lifelong love with a woman who was mature, sexy, beautiful, self-actualized, lovely and adored him and made him happy, or his dream of his mythical ideal woman, which gave him nothing but sorrow.  He chose love and happiness, and is a blissful and brilliant husband now.

He knew, deep in his soul, that his mythical ideal dream of a woman came from a place inside himself that was not really himself. That she came from a place created by twisted forces working on him and through him from birth, and that he COULD remake those impulses by following his happiness and contentment and attraction rather than following what automatically and instantly appeared that was “old.”  Instead of following the “poster” that had been on his wall forever, he took a new picture and pasted it over the old.

You, Terrance, may have a mythical ideal dream girl, but I somehow don’t think so.  I think you’re going to be overcome, instead, by a FEELING, and that feeling will lead you in a GOOD way — where you don’t have to “consider” so hard.  I think you may be one of the lucky ones.  To want what is also good for you.

Now, for us women, the same exact thing is true.  We are attracted of our own free will, and we are attracted by dark forces inside us.  If we have a history of being led by dark forces to misery in love, then we have to change course and start “considering” our other options.  We have to switch from automatically being drawn to a man who feels chemically “right” to us,  to considering our feelings for OUR SELF when we’re with a man.

We are not always drawn to a good match for ourselves.  Often, and more and more often these days, with disconnected, abusive, cold childhoods everywhere, we are automatically drawn to more disconnection, abuse and coldness.

To find the warmth, love and joy that belongs in your life, you may have to follow a different path than the one you feel drawn to.

Terrance is figuring that out right now.

If you are the girl in this scenario…look back and see where all the paths you’ve been most drawn to have led you, and “consider” the other paths open to you.

Instead of being “drawn” to a man…allow yourself to be drawn to the image and experience of feeling joy in the presence of a man.  Allow a man to be your environment instead of your center.  Allow a man to be so drawn to you that you can look at your experience of him without fear of losing him.

If you are the girl in Terrance’s scenario, and you cannot Circular Date because you are too drawn to Terrance — that’s the time to walk away.

If you are the girl in Terrance’s scenario, and you CAN Circular Date because you’re more interested in your own life than in the “draw” you feel to Terrance — then he’s a good experience and experiment for you, and you can BOTH “consider” what you want and weigh it against what you are automatically drawn to.

If a man doesn’t know he wants you within 3-4 months, chances are he never will.  That simply eliminates him by virtue of how that makes you feel…which is likely not good.

And if a man is hanging in there, hoping you will turn into the woman he wants…I know what a “draw” that can be.  It’s the draw of the dark forces inside you that are telling you you are “not enough.”  And, in my experience, it’s hard to know if – with that man you will never feel “enough.”

For the woman who is married to my friend, it’s too soon to tell.  It’s too soon to tell if his dark forces will push the marriage out of shape, or if they will fade forever in the sea of bliss that the marriage creates and grows daily, moment by moment.

It’s much easier to be loved by a man who wants you in his whole body, gut and mind and heart, than a man who wants you through “consideration.”

And that’s what Circular Dating can help you discover.  Where a man is coming from. How “into” you he is. If he’s got a nice blend of gut and consideration going on for you.  Whether he’s fighting his dark forces, or being led by them.

Yes, you can push love and a man away.  Yes, you can short-circuit the connection by staying forever in your brain instead of your heart.  Yes, you can damage a relationship beyond repair with jealousy and obsession and making him your center instead of yourself.

But – ask yourself this — why did this particular man show up?  What is the “draw” here for me AND for him?

If I am pushing love away, so is he.  He’s drawn to me BECAUSE I’m pushing love away and making it easy for him to be without intimacy, too.

So — you see — it works both ways.  Seeing potential in someone is a trick.  It means you see yourself as one step ahead.  It’s just another way to avoid love.

One of my favorite films of all times is Minnie & Moskowitz, by John Cassevetes, with Gena Rowlands and Seymour Cassell, and I saw it again with my acting class last night.

Two people totally wrong for each other, totally unsuited.  Except that he is unwaveringly and steadfastly in love, and is there at the moment when she gives up trying to hold herself together and falls apart right in front of him and his instinct to take care of her takes over them both.

The ending is happy.  The ending says that intimacy is where it’s at, no matter what you THINK you’re drawn to, and that all it takes is one person being drawn enough to the other to allow the intimacy to happen.

So, Terrance, let us know how it goes…and if you’re the girl in this scenario…step away.  Please.  Get some air.  Get some other men.  Start “considering” your options.  You don’t have to give him up — but you have to “give up” on him and start building up you.

Love, Rori

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How to “Approach” A Man Without Leaning Forward Or Investing In Him

heartfatHere’s the guest post I promised you from one of the men on this blog, Terrence Thames. I asked him to talk about ways to “approach” a shy man without “Leaning Forward” or feeling bad because you’re investing in him so quickly.  He writes:

This should be interesting since I am usually coaching guys on how to approach women since women tend to not physically walk up to a man. I have never done it from the other way around. So I will start by referring to how guys approach and then relate it to how maybe we can minimize the leaning forward from women. terence

When guys approach, typically they incur the majority of the risk of rejection from the interaction. They have to put themselves out there. However, in my opinion, I believe that women approach WAY more than men do already. Probably at a 90/10 split. They just do it very subtlety. And they don’t do it by walking up.

My definition of an approach is a little different from most guys. Men just generally aren’t present enough to be aware of these approaches or maybe approach invitations. I feel that being shy is a function of something internally stopping them from being themselves. I feel this is a fear based action.

To me, this is evident from people, in general, being able to warm up out of their shyness and into their true selves. This seems to be a process of trusting that the environment that they are in or the people that are around provide a safe environment capable of holding their true selves without judgment.

I explain this so that maybe if women can understand the process of why this occurs we can come up with some ways to help to build that trust while putting in minimum investment and leaning forward. I don’t necessarily believe that this can be an investment free/leaning back void process because even positive body language and smiling requires some investment/energy as little as it is. So lets get into what women can do to approach while minimally investing. These are in order of least investment to most investment.

1. Positive body language- Obviously the most natural form of approaching and the least invested that you can get. This will be the core of this post. The most obvious form would be a smile and a long gaze (2-5 seconds). Any less than that would not be enough to let the typical guy know that it is ok to approach. I would look away first then LOOK BACK. Any time I see a woman look back at me after holding a gaze, I know, that I should approach, if I’m interested. I have trained myself that if a woman looks at me for 2 seconds, I ASSUME attraction is there and at least go meet the her. I am not shy though. As guys get more confident in approaching they won’t need the look back for them to approach. I believe that shy guys need this.

2. Wear something conversation worthy- If you want more guys in general to approach you (not just shy guys) then wear something that allows space for a man to comment or compliment you on it. Most shy guys are shy generally because they just don’t know what to say to women even if they do get the courage to approach. If they have something to say or talk about then the likely hood of him approaching is much higher. Synergistically this works well in compliment with body language and presence (displaying your femininity) to draw men into you.

3. Positioning- If you don’t want to walk up to him. Position yourself BY HIM. You are not actually approaching him but it will be easier for a shy guy to start a conversation if you are physically around him to begin with. You can experiment with combining using your body language (playing with hair, crossing legs towards him, exposing of the neck, etc..) and eye contact with being around him for a much more synergistic affect. A lot of times when I am out and I make eye contact with a woman in one area and I go about my business and then notice a few minutes later she is really close in my proximity or all of a sudden brushes up against me, I ASSUME attraction and approach, if I’m interested. This is amplified with positive body language.

4. Situational or Help approaching- This in my opinion seems to be the most invested you can become without feeling masculine. If you are asking about something that involves your surroundings or asking for help (don’t go overboard with this) ..then I have no reason to feel that you are over-invested. (I.e..”Do you have the time?” ). Again while doing this make sure your body language is open to them.

5. Just saying Hi- This is equal to #4 as the most invested you should have to go without questioning a shy guy’s presence or attractiveness to you. By this point you have done all you can do and it is up to him to sink or swim.

Shy guys are generally good guys that miss a lot of opportunities to meet women due to their lack of will/ability to approach women. I feel that women miss opportunities of meeting these good guys because they are more sensitive to rejection and it doesn’t feel natural for them to approach a guy. To me both lose here.

For some women this is a weed-out process for guys that are less aggressive/dominant in a social environment. I have heard this quite a bit on this blog. At the same time they worry if they are going to end up another notch on someones bedpost. I can respect this and personally I find it not all that attractive when a woman approaches me too aggressively.

I find that if a woman approaches me, depending on the approach, I think — “That’s kinda cute… she’s trying to be a guy right now.”  I don’t think it really affects my overall attractiveness towards her, but it definitely feels masculine.

The only way it doesn’t feel somewhat masculine is if they are asking for help. (I always take it — “They are asking me to lead them.”) Asking about something in the environment. There is something in me that craves being able to pick up on these subtle cues and going and getting what I want.  I think that because when I do get what I want it is much more satisfying that way.

All this being said, be cautious of these few things

1. This will not always work with getting shy guys to approach and engage you. The fear of approaching and being rejected can be crippling as a result they still will not invest in the interaction. This is out of your control and is NOT because of you as a woman. This is an internal problem that needs to be worked out with them.

2. They may NOT always be attracted to you- I mentioned a lot above about assumed attraction. It is just that..assumed. Its what I use to get over anxiety of possibly being rejected. The reality is that everybody gets rejected.

Even if body language seems inviting it may be a miss cue. I relate it to playing black jack. You can only play the odds and trust that you are making the right educated decision. I am not afraid to be wrong and that gives me confidence. The more out dependency you have the more this part will not affect you.

I hope it helps. Like I said this is the first post I have ever had geared towards women and not men. Any criticism is greatly appreciated.

From Rori:  I asked Terrance for more – around his “what to wear” suggestion – and he came up with this:

I left a few things out to invoke some questions but I have some ideas on what to wear. It really depends on the style of the woman and the type of guy she wants to attract. For instance one time I went to a hotel bar in Hollywood and I noticed out of all the women in there one that had these really tight snakeskin pants on that looked really attractive. I had something to talk about AND it compelled me to approach and get to know her. That’s kinda what I mean. Does that make sense?

Terrance

From Rori:  I love Terrance’s attitude and I think what he has to say is very helpful.  If you like his style, go visit  him at his new blog and let him know what you think…www.TerranceThames.blogspot.com

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Approaching Men And Pretending — Does It Work?

sexyguybackShould you approach a man if you know you’ll never see him again if you don’t?

Here’s a letter from Ingrid to start the discussion:

“Hi Rori,
I’ve recently met a man (while involved with an activity with a group of others). He’s a genuinely nice guy, friendly with everyone, and I’m drawn to him quite strongly. He appears to be everything all the internet guys turn out not to be, and I’d really like to get to know him better. My problem is with the approach as I’m naturally quite shy, although I tend to hide this with a bubbly front. However when I’m genuinely keen on someone the shyness takes effect and I find it hard to approach men.

The main problem is that he is fairly recently widowed (about 9 months I think) and my worry is that it may be inappropriate to be showing an interest in dating him so soon. I really would rather just like to spend some time with him as a friend and get to know him, but I just don’t know how to do this without appearing too forward and therefore insensitive at a time when he is surely still grieving. There will probably only be one more meeting with this group and then our paths will probably not cross again, so I feel I need to make a move like ‘now or never’. Have you any advice for me Rori?

Many thanks in anticipation of your reply, Regards, Ingrid”

***Here’s my answer:

Ingrid, the biggest thing I noticed is you talk about “approaching men” and “hiding” your shyness behind a “bubbly front”…and NOT doing these things is what my programs and work is all about.

I do not encourage you to approach men. And so I don’t have any strategy for that.

Instead, simply smile (the whole way to go about this is in my new Targeting Mr. Right program) – and let THEM approach YOU. If they’re not approaching, then you need to work on your authenticity and expressing your feelings and being truly who you are – even if that’s “shy” – instead of covering or pretending to be cool or upbeat or “bubbly.” (This is what the Modern Siren program is all about — and the basics of what this is all about is in my ebook. )

That said, if he’s not approaching you here are the possibilities:

1. He doesn’t feel moved by chemistry or anything else to approach you. You’re not his type, or he’s thought about it and has decided not to approach you.

2. He is clueless and shy and doesn’t know what to say to you any more than you know what to say to him.

3. He’s completely oblivious, and perhaps, yes, grieving. He doesn’t notice anyone unless they throw themselves in his face.

4. Your bubbly front is not drawing him in. YOU know it’s not authentic, and so it feels inauthentic to HIM. It’s dampening his feelings of attraction for you.

The most likely answers to the question here is number one and/or number 4 on this list.

He’s thought about it and he’s not interested. And, possibly, you can do something to change that by changing his feelings of attraction to your “vibe.”

Let’s deal first with the logistics of approaching a man in this situation, if that’s your choice. If you want, so that you won’t regret not ever having at least “tried,” you can do this:

Walk up to him, lean back, smile, and say “Hi, I’m feeling very sad that the group is ending tonight. I’ll miss you all.”

And then he’ll talk.

And you’ll respond with Feeling Messages and Listening at Level 2.

From this point forward, it’s all in his hands. If he doesn’t ask for your phone number or your e-mail address, if he doesn’t say “Let’s get together sometime,” then that’s it. You’ll know that he’s “just not that into you,” and that’s the end of it.

The only thing here is — approaching him, even in this small way, may not good feel very good to you. The person who makes the approach has to suffer the rejections as well as savor the triumphs.

Either way, men learn how to deal with it. It’s traditional. But we women are so much more sensitive on so many levels. I know for my own self and my own life, every single time I have managed to make a move on a man — even though it was very subtle (and I used to be pretty good at picking up men in this way) they just end badly.

If a man is interested he will find a way to get your phone number. He knows how– and bottom line this is the truth. My friend Keri Newell says this over and over again in my Targeting Mr. Right program — “Every woman deserves to be pursued.” And if you have to do the pursuit at the beginning you’ll be pursuing forever.

I saw a delightful movie on TV the other night called “The Hammer” with Adam Corolla playing a boxer/loser/boxing instructor/funny guy. He gave the exact demonstration of what my friend David DeAngelo calls “Cocky and Funny.” He had an amazing sense of humor and used it 99% of the time, but the thing is — he was really, really sweet.

Even though he was a jock — a boxer — he was actually very sweet and sensitive, and the way he approached the leading lady of this piece (who is a formidable woman), was just simply very straightforward, very sweet, very masculine and very appealing.
Whereas, in the new movie “500 days of Summer” we have a very different leading man. One who has difficulty making that first approach.

In this movie, the girl ends up making the first move, but because she’s not totally smitten with the guy it’s okay…. I don’t want to give the movie away but by next month I will want to talk about it (see it if you want to join the discussion).

Now for possibility number 4 – which is the only thing we can really have control over or change or shift — and that’s US.

There’s nothing wrong with being “shy.” It can be totally charming if you’re willing to OWN your shyness, discover what’s UNDERNEATH the shyness, and begin to let a man see THAT.

If your shyness is only about your ego — if you’re being run by caring what people think about you — then work with that by noticing how judgmental you are about yourself and shifting all that to CURIOSITY about yourself. And then to curiosity about other people around you. Curiosity is a huge CURE for so many emotional “problems.”

If your shyness is that you’re feeling strong emotions that embarrass you and frighten you — that’s your cue to get even more curious about what’s underneath and start taking baby steps to reveal those feelings to the world.

You can start easily with Feeling Messages about non-scary things like the weather and TV and the movies and the news…
So, the choice to approach a man or not is yours.

In my world, in my experience, and the experience of most women that I’ve talked to, if you feel forced to make the first approach, there’s something wrong. For a man to not start a conversation with you, even if all he’s interested in is friendship, tells you that there’s something going on that may not serve you.

And yet, I don’t want to lay down “Rules” here. Every single thing you do or don’t do is something you can learn from. If you can do this approaching in what feels like a “now-or-never” situation with a spirit of adventure and the goal only of having an “experience” and doing an “experiment,” then I encourage you to follow your impulses — once.

Be sure, Ingrid, to let us know what you did and how it went for you.

Let’s talk more about this “approaching” thing… Love, Rori

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Dating and Money

date-linedrawingMoney is tight – so who pays for a date?

He does.

Yes, sounds unfair, sounds anti-feminist, and yet – this is the difference between “friends hanging out together” and a “date.”

A date is about romance. It’s not about companionship or friendship. And it’s not just about sex. It’s about the whole package, it’s about building a romantic relationship step-by-step – and the steps are “dates.”

And in order for romance to happen – for it to even get started – a man has to feel like a man.

What does that look like? For a man to FEEL like a man? He needs to feel appreciated (but in a different way than YOU do. You need appreciation for your warmth and juicyiness, and sexiness, and loveliness – and He needs to be appreciated for his brain power, his manliness, and for what he can PROVIDE – even if it’s simply frozen yogurt or a walk in the park.)

Sound old-fashioned? Sound like the old Cinderella thing? Well – it is. Except for some tweaks that we all have to work with and get used to and make work for us…romance still lies in the emotional, subconscious, cells-of-our-bodies places that “modernity” has never, and will never touch.

Love and romance are feelings – and they have nothing whatever to do with opinions.

Being beautiful and smart and rich and loving and nurturing and fun will get you NOWHERE with a man if he’s not “feeling” it for you.

(Whereas we women can quite turn a handsome, smart, rich, loving, nurturing, fun man into an object of desire – and well we SHOULD – a man doesn’t work quite that way. He’s either “into you” or he’s not – and he won’t even be able to explain the reasons why or why not. Romance is won or lost in the realm of emotions – and the way to win at love is to find your feelings and learn to share them with every man who shows up.

Romance is inspired by feminine energy – yours. Here’s how to get into your feminine energy and inspire romance…without paying for it, and without breaking his bank account, either:

1. Romance and love and dating have absolutely NOTHING to do with WHAT you do or WHERE you go. It has nothing to do with the date being in a romantic setting, or at a romantic time, or even if the date is “nice” or “pleasant” or even “great”!

What we women consider “great” may not ring any chimes with HIM.

So – don’t care about what you DO on a date. Spending money on a nice dinner to score points on a date is a bad investment for a man – and it’s possibly the LEAST romantic thing you can do.

I’ll tell you what’s romantic – going to the zoo or animal welfare shelter if you’re into animals. Going for a walk or a hike if you’re into nature. Sitting in a coffee shop in a strip mall in a suburb you’ve never been to and talking about the people who walk by as characters in a movie – making up their lives. hanging out in a big bookstore or library and looking at things together and separately. Walking around stores or art galleries or the beach.

Romantic has absolutely nothing to do with money.

So – first – get that into your head, and come up with a LIST of things you think might be fun for a SHORT – let’s say under an hour get-to-know-you first date, and for LONG dates – entire evenings – without including tickets to the theater or even ridicualously expensive movies on a Saturday night.

Okay – that’s you, being creative. Now let’s talk about how to share this with HIM.

2. First – let me explain masculine and feminine energy (let’s this “boy” and “girl” energy), and how it works on a date:

You’re in “boy energy” when you’re THINKING about anything, DOING anything, GIVING anything, making a DECISION about anything, taking the INITIATIVE about anything, FOLLOWING UP or CHASING DOWN or SUGGESTING anything, or anything that looks and feels like what I call “Leaning Forward.”This could look like driving, starting a conversation, calling, texting, emailing…and PAYING.

Girl energy, on the other hand, is all about FEELING anything, RECEIVING anything, RADIATING, SHARING – and just BEING.

When you are in boy energy – you get stuff done. You are smart and clever. And you do not inspire romance. Respect, maybe. Friendship for sure. Even awe. But not romance.

When you are in girl energy – you ARE romance! That’s it. A man is desperately lonely. No matter what you think, or what he says, or what his history looks like – the man in front of you is LONELY.

He’s lonely because he cannot FEEL romance on his own. He needs a woman to feel that with. And he can’t supply the necessary feelings for it. He needs YOU to supply the emotions that cook up romance. He needs YOU to make him feel OKAY with his feelings by feeling your OWN feelings.

And the moment you pay for anything – you’ve just turned into a guy.

3. So what do you say when the talk about money comes up? Try this:

“I’m feeling old-fashioned these days. I don’t care what we do – I don’t need fancy or expensive, but I don’t feel good paying for stuff around dating. It would feel great to do whatever you think is fun and get to know you. What do you think?”

Okay – notice the words.

Notice how many times I said the word “feel”? That’s the point! SHARING how you feel is what you want to do to help yourself get into your feelings instead of your opinions, which are so much easier. Notice how I said what I “don’t want” instead of trying to lay out what I DO want? Notice how when I said what I want (to do whatever he thinks is fun…) I only said that it would “feel great”?

As subtle as this sounds – it’s actually HUGE.

Giving instructions, directions, and opinions from your thinking brain is a recipe for romantic failure. Don’t do it.

If he asks you what you’d like to do – you have your LIST! Say “I actually wondered about that. I sat down and wrote a list of the things that feel fun, that make me feel good, that don’t cost a lot…would you like to see it?”

Or course he would.

So you can read it to him, or hand it to him out of your purse…and then…you have a GREAAT thing to TALK ABOUT!

Forget about the stories you’ve told every first date. Talk about what’s going on NOW. Right now. “I feel glad you asked me, and It feels good to be asked, and it feels even better to follow you around and find out who you are, too. Ask him “So what’s on YOUR list around town?”

4. If this is a first date – he already knows if he’s smitten with you. And it still might take him a week or two to call you. And if he’s not sure, he may call, or he may not.

No matter what – stay with being a “girl” – stay with the ROMANCE you want, and let him do his job as a man.

Let him call you. Let him ask you out. Let him come up with a plan. And let him pay.

If this is a man you’re dating (and if you’re familiar with my work about a life-plan I call “Circular Dating” you know you ONLY stop dating when you’re ENGAGED) – then you can make a sandwich or popcorn for him occasionally at your place (please no fancy, impressive meals). You can “give back” and still be a girl, as long as it’s small, something YOU enjoy, and infrequent.

Love, Rori

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