Archive for the 'Dating' Category

Avoiding Your Feelings by Focusing on Your Partner

handheart200I got this post in a newsletter from Dr. Margaret Paul – it’s about how we all Lean Forward by starting a conversation, or talking, or focusing on something we need to talk or think about, and just generally focusing on a man (Margaret uses the example of a man doing this – so imagine yourself in that situation) – in order to AVOID our own FEELINGS.

Here’s the Post:

margaretpaul

Addictions can take many forms. One fairly common yet subtle form is to start a conversation to get your partner involved with you so that you don’t have to feel and take responsibility for your feelings.

We all have many addictive ways of avoiding feeling our painful feelings and taking responsibility for them. Some of the ways are obvious, such as using substances and processes. Some of the ways can be very subtle.

Leon often struggled with feeling empty inside. Inner emptiness is a symptom of a lack of love inside, and Leon frequently created this inner lack of love with his self-judgments and staying in his head – ignoring his feelings. Sometimes he would fill the emptiness with food, work or TV. But other times he would act out addictively by bringing up issues – generally the same issues over and over – with his wife Susan.

The major issue he focused on was how they spent money. He would start the conversation by stating, “We really need to talk about the money situation.” Susan would feel a knot in her stomach, knowing that Leon was aching for an endless discussion about money that would likely end in a fight and distance. She felt like she was in a no-win: if she talked about money, it would go on for hours and end in anger. If she didn’t, she would be accused of withdrawing and running away from problems. There seemed to be no good way out for Susan.

Eventually, Susan learned to trust her feelings and say to Leon, “I will be happy to talk with you about anything when you are open, but right now your energy feels closed. Let me know when you are feeling really great and then we can talk about it.” Not surprisingly, Leon never approaches her to talk about money when he is feeling good!

Carole periodically says to Rick, “We need to talk about our lack of communication.” Rick immediately knows that Carole is feeling badly and is trying to feel better by getting in to a long and drawn-out conversation about their lack of communication. If he engages, he ends up angry. If he doesn’t, he gets blamed for not communicating. Rick has learned to disengage just as Susan has, saying, “I’d love to communicate with you about anything when you are open, but right now my experience of you is that you are angry, and we are not going to get anywhere. Let me know when you are feeling good and then we can talk about anything you want.” Again, when Carole is feeling happy, she never brings up their lack of communication!

The subject can be anything – child raising, how time is spend, how much TV kids watch, health, nutrition, how clean or dirty the house is, chores that need to be done. It is not that these things don’t need to be discussed – they often do. But there is a huge difference between approaching your partner from a true desire to learn and resolve issues, or a desire to avoid your anxiety, emptiness, loneliness, heartache, or helplessness.

Lovingly Disengaging

If you are the partner at the other end of what may feel like an attack – even though it is couched as a question or a statement of wanting to talk – your best bet is to trust your stomach! If your stomach gets tight when your partner comes to you to talk, trust it. Learn to take loving care of yourself by refusing to talk when you are picking up your partner’s needy, abandoned, or angry energy. Recognize that your partner is acting out addictively to avoid responsibility for his or her own feelings, and that trying to talk will only create more conflict.

However, it is most important when you disengage, that you do not withdraw your love. It might even be helpful if you give your partner a sincere hug, coming from your compassion at knowing that your partner is hurting. Let your partner know that when he or she is open to learning, you will be there – to talk about an issue or to be of help with whatever your partner is feeling.

I’ve been getting Margaret’s newsletters for years now, and love her work…she’s co-created a powerful process called Inner Bonding®, that helps you heal your pain and discover your joy…you can get her Inner Bonding Course free (and the newsletters I get, too) here: http://www.innerbonding.com. You’ll find lots of articles and blog posts there, and Margaret works by phone, too.

This post is at: http://www.innerbonding.com/show-article/2353/avoiding-your-feelings-by-focusing-on-your-partner.html

I’d like to explore this more…how we women are taught to “talk” things out – when what we’re actually doing is changing the subject – (the subject is actually and truly how WE’RE FEELING INSIDE – regardless of the situation or circumstance that triggered those feelings)…so let me know how even just being aware of this works for you.

Love, Rori

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Strategies DO NOT WORK With Men

puzzleHere’s a comment from Alicia that I thought was important for us to work with…

“Rori, I just found your program and have not yet received your Modern Siren however I did read the Have the Relationship You Want Book. Anyway. I have been seeing a guy since July we were going along great and then he stopped trying as much in early September. This man is 100% worth my time and all I ever dreamed of. I see some of my errors and am working on fixing them as of yesterday. We talk or text daily, seems if we call each other but I call a 65% off the time and he 45%, I will stop that now.

He switched when he was going through a emotional crises with work, he owns multiple business and has high stress. He says he cares for me, just has been overworked and stressed. He says I am perfect, a ten of a ten. I have gone there and wrote emotional letters and asked all the wrong things, poured my heart out,because he said something that sounded like he had reserves about my intentions with him. But at the same time some of it seemed to a least get us going out on lunch dates again a few weeks ago.

He knew I was dating around some but I made the mistake in telling him he captured me like no other and other men are spinning wheels trying to get close to me. I said I still talk to great men that pursue me because he had not asked for anything different. But in my heart he has taken hold.

In the first two months he pursued me fiercely, we talked non stop. I want that back.

How do I get him to stop texting and start calling? We text lots from the start but that depth has changed. I thought of saying in the next text, “Thank you for your text, I want to express to you I feel like texts are impersonal and I don’t want to communicate with you like this the majority of the time.” The texting is like half way communicating, but I’m still grateful out of his busy day he stop in to say HI, I’m torn. How is that and is it okay to say in a text. Then breath let go and wait for his call.

Sometimes when he calls should I play a little hard to get from time to time? Not pick up, wait for a few hours to call back? I did skim you Have the Relationship You Want on Sunday morning, texted him and asked him if he could give me advise. He texted back immediately and said I think so what’s up? I cried out of fear of what I was about to say. I called him 45 min later and after the small talk I beat around the bush and took a deep breath and said I FEEL LONELY, especially when me kids are at their dads. ( I got divorced last year) I said I had out grown many of my friends that go out and I would not compromise on where I go and what I do, so I stay at home.

What do you think I should do? He said he knew exactly what I felt, identified with me and said he always started making projects and to do list to keep busy, then when kids come back you feel good cause that’s off your plate. I listen and the tears started rolling, I tried not to let him know but I think he did. Then he said his phone was about to die and he would call back later. I said okay and thank you. Later he did text announcing his sons after school care was closing in one week. I text WOW, Interesting and I sorry to hear that. He did not call back last night but I am sure he will text today.  (I did read the whole Have The Relationship You Want, last night)

Is that what I should text back? Should I show strength and contentment when he calls back like I did not notice he didn’t call. OH and I don’t want to be the lunch date girl. He said last week, ” I need to make time and take you out at night” Should I say next time he asks me out to lunch, Thank you but I would rather wait, let you use that time to get other things done. I don’t want to just see you at lunch? Or what?

Thank you for all the help you have giving me thus far I feel there is hope and inspiration already! Alicia”

Here’s my answer:

The short answer is to really practice the Tools in Have The Relationship You Want, get Targeting Mr. Right to learn exactly how to Circular Date,  Modern Siren to learn how to use your emotions to get you what you want, and Reconnect Your Relationship to give you essential Tools to understand why what you’re doing is not working and how to change that instantly. And the long answer is everything we’re doing here – which is practicing the Tools – each of us, in our own way, in our own time…and watching and feeling the process and experiencing what happens when we try new things.

The fact that you’re talking about strategy and games and “playing” anything tells me you’re on the wrong track.

I know you’ve likely discovered this, but you can’t “skim” the ebook (or even just “read” it) – because it’s a “workbook.”  You have to actually DO the Tools.  It’s practicing, just like learning a new language or an instrument.

When you start this process – the first “read-thru” of the book, or the first “listen” or “watch” of one of my programs is to help you understand what you need to stop doing and start doing, and the fact that you called this man immediately tells me you didn’t “get” the main message.  So – Please – go back to the book.

Read it from cover to cover (which you’ve done now), and then DO the Tools. Every chapter – about Listening, Overfunctioning, the Sensual Meditation, the Four Rules – and Feeling Messages – is a CRUCIAL, BASIC Tool you need to master in order to turn things around quickly.  I know you will get the help you need here and in the programs…there’s space to write, exact instructions on doing and practicing…and know that these Tools are only meant to be done in short bits – (5 to 15 seconds at a time, most of them) – so it’s not like a meditative “sitting practice.”   It’s not something you do “alone” or in a certain state of mind, or something you “set aside time for.”

The Tools are meant to be done in the spur of the moment – taking whatever you feel and however you are and whatever’s going on and USING it to turn your life around – baby-step by baby-step.  Some are as easy as touching an object.  Or stamping the floor with your foot.

They’re meant to be done out in the world – in the presence of a man.  They’re meant to take you past your old patterns without shaking up your system or causing you to feel resistance or get your defenses up.  The Tools will TAKE DOWN your defenses, little by little, so you become even MORE of who you already are, and learn to express that gorgeous siren you truly are.

The Tools are meant to uncover the beauty of who you are from all the gook we women have learned to coat ourselves with – all the pretending and pretense and bad feelings for ourselves.

It’s like a…cleanse.  But in little bits and pieces that sort of free you up from the tension and distress of being taught our whole lives to THINK our way through a romantic relationship.

If I can put it all into one short statement…I would say that, after teaching you the why, the what and the how of  it – all my Tools are to help you practice FEELING your way through life. To receive from men rather than to give to them. And to be and experience who you are in the world instead of thinking about and pretending to be who you want to be. We are all imperfect, and that’s what makes us each so uniquely beautiful and amazing.

Before you can figure out what to “say” to a man – you have to know what you Feel.

You have to know what you Don’t Want.

You have to choose words based on what you feel, and what the TRUTH is, otherwise, you’re just pretending, and that will not work.

If you are Circular Dating…why would you make a big deal about lunch?  There would be other men to take you out to dinner!  Instead of trying to goose him along…you want him to feel COMPELLED to CHASE you…and you can’t do that by strategizing.

The moment a man “gets” (and they’re much swifter about this than we think) – that we’re “into him,” he loses attraction for us.

Let me know how practicing the Tools in the ebook change things for you…and then we can all pull your question apart and put it back together using Tools at every turn…This is a fantastic comment to work with, because it hits so many of the important parts.

You can’t change your life until you understand what you need to change.

And then you can’t change what you know you need to change without PRACTICING change.

So, here we are, practicing…and I’m practicing right along with you, and love all the sharing about how it works for each of us.

…Love, Rori

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Dating a Man Who’s Tormented By His Culture and Family

heartinhandsHere’s a question from Alice – very unique, and yet I know many of you are dealing with it, or know more about it than I. Please help out if you can…

“Dear Rori, I have listened to your work and read items on your website and what you say seems to make some sense to me but I am stuck.

My situation is that I have been in a “relationship” with a work colleague for nearly 10 months now. We started as friends. I then got the courage to tell him I was attracted to him. I left it for him to decide where he took that information from there. He decided that he wanted to pursue it further and we have enjoyed amazing physical and emotional connection – of which he will openly acknowledge that connection also.

The issue is that our relationship is “secret” – because we work together and secondly because he comes from an asian background – and I dont. His mother (who I believe became aware that he was seeing someone in the first month) has since moved in with him and is now taking all his time and attention. He told me at the start that he had an ex-girlfriend who he was still friends with as his and her parents did not know they had split.

There was an expectation that they would marry. After many discussions he told me he would speak to his mother so we could be “out in the open”. He did do this but his mother’s response was that he had to “work things out” with his ex-girlfriend who she wants him to marry to “save face” so people can benefit.

I can see that he is torn between his “duty” to his family and his desire to be in a open and loving relationship with me. He swears to me that they have not been physical or intimate for many years now and that before me they both saw other people but the ex-girlfriend (who he says he does not love anymore) is still apart of his life because of his mum, and demands him to put on a front for special occasions that they are together – and he does this (not nearly as often now that I am aware of as it was in the start). I know he has gone to his best friend for advice (as he is not asian) but from what he says he was of little help.

I feel now because of all the pressure that he is receiving at home he is withdrawing from me because he says he “has so much to deal with, pressure going on at home” that he struggles to find time for me – this in turn makes me feel that he doesn’t want to spend time with me, that I am not important to him – but he says seeing me involves thinking of ways to get away from his mother and he feels guilty for lying and doing this. I know it is a mutual attraction, he says he has been physically attracted to me for 18 months (now 2 1/2 years) before we hooked up.

We did not sleep together until six months into seeing each other despite doing all we could to resist and now the sexual attraction from both sides is intense chemistry and passion.

I am unsure of how I assist us in having a future together, I love him, I have told him this, he knows I am committed to him, he constantly asks when we are alone “what are we going to do”. I am stuck on showing him how to have the courage to do what “he wants” and not what is his perceived responsibility to his family. I am even unsure whether I should be helping him with this.

To stop the pain I am feeling I gave him a deadline of Christmas to make a decision on telling his mum/making moves and plans to put this into action or letting me go – He struggles with having this deadline, he says he knows is the right thing but still is not happy with it. I see with this – I am now lost at what I should be doing. I don’t want to push him, loose him or be impatient but this is tearing me up. Alice”

And here’s my answer:

Alice, I work with many women who are stuck in this exact situation. They are more progressive, but their families still think in the way they were brought up, or the way they still live – in different countries, different cultures, different religions that have strict social rules of conduct and duty, and the good men they’re with are all torn up by their duty to family and ex wives and even simply women friends who are also friends of the family.

I don’t believe you can do anything to help this along. I’ve seen women stuck in these situations unendingly. And even when the man seems to move forward, he is still feeling pressure from the ex and the family. He never escapes the aura of “shame.”

Painful as it is, the best thing here is to simply say you will continue to date him, but not exclusively, and then Circular Date. You can decide if you can handle sex, but I wouldn’t even try it. If you can’t handle this “dating” rotation, then you must break it off until he can figure out what to do…

I’d so appreciate it – and know Alice would too – if any of you are very familiar with cultural differences and difficulties, please give us any information you have – I know it would help many women in these same situations, especially since we have readers here from all over the world….

Love, Rori

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Contacting Men Online

dateHere’s a comment I thought was really universal, and I wanted to jump off from it:

“Rori, I can tell you that on the dating site, it seems to work differently. I would like Rori’s opinion, but here is my take on dating sites: It is OK to contact a man online first–I am of the opinion this is the ONLY time that is OK, because for some reason, online guys are reluctant to contact people. I could be wrong, but I don’t think so. After the initial contact by you, though, I never make the first move after that. I let them contact me from then on. Just the initial contact is OK with me. Try this and see what happens. I have met some really great men online and lots that I have contacted first. It didn’t seem to make a difference at all. Remember, just the initial contact. After that, follow Rori’s advice and don’t call or write unless they have contacted you. Good luck!”

Sandra, Welcome, and thank you for your suggestions on online dating…and here’s my take:

If you are a woman who has absolutely not one little bit of desperation or need creeping up in her— ever –then you are a rock star, and you can do ANYTHING.

You can take off your clothes, walk up to a man on the street and wrap your body around him.

You can call every man in the phone book.

AND – if you are already a rock star – then you would already be in a fantastic relationship, and I would not see you here.

The truth is…start FIRST with HEALING yourself…and for most of us this means getting rid of desperation and need – which shows itself in masculine energy things like initiating, working to make things happen, calling, and..yes…surfing through the men on Match.com and winking or emailing them.

It RELIEVES our internal pressure when we DO stuff…which is why I’ve created so many Tools for your “boy” energy to use pro-actively that work FOR YOU, instead of against you, and give your “girl” energy a chance to shine.  This takes practice.  It’s reversing years and years and years – our whole lives often – of doing things in ways that simply don’t work for a relationship.

It’s undoing a lifetime of squashing down our needs, our wants, our feelings…and using every bit of our energy to just “get by” – survive.  We’ve been taught to work for what we want…and that works in many, many arenas (that’s why I want you to develop and use and celebrate your masculine energy in Tools like “Channeling) – but it DOESN’T work for romance.

If what you want is a man who’s mostly a “boy” in your life , your heart, your bed…then you have to learn to be mostly a “girl” in HIS life, HIS heart, HIS bed.  That’s weird for many of us.

But that’s the way you get what you really, truly want and deserve.  We are ALL, truly “girls” inside.  We’ve just hidden that light behind a flurry of “doing.”

It takes a bit of bravery, and a lot of practice to slowly let that light be seen.  But you can do it, I know you can.

Love, Rori

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Horrible, Bad Toxic Man – Why Do You Love Him and What To Do Now

girl-horseHere’s a comment from Renee I jumped right off of, because I felt so strongly I’m about as forceful as I’m ever going to get.  This is total tough love, totally hard to hear if you’re Renee, so Renee – please don’t read it if you don’t want to hear it this brutally…and let’s all help with getting Renee going in the right direction…Renee – you’ve had enough pain…I want you to be happy right now:

“Rori,  I have listened to your Toxic Men program and it has really taught me what have been doing wrong in relationships. I have been dealing with this toxic man for the last year. I have known this man for 12 years. We were involved 12 years ago for about 3 years. He was separated when we met and continued seeing each other after he went back to his wife, I know, bad mistake. I finally ended things after I moved out of state. He would still call and want to see me, but I felt that he had made his decision to be with his wife and it wasn’t right for him to continue to try to see me.

We lost touch for about 5 years, then I got a phone call about a year and a half ago, saying he was seperated “for real” and was sorry for how he had hurt me. I started things out as friends since I wanted to make sure the relationship with his wife was really over. When the divorce had been filed, I agreed to see him. I wanted to just be friends, but the chemistry between us is very strong and we developed a sexual relationship. We had an amazing time together and by the way he initially talked I thought we could finally be together as we had always dreamed.

Two months after we started seeing each other he told me about this other woman who he had been deeply involved with for the last year, and that was why he was getting divorced, his wife kicked him out of the house for having an affair. He told me he was trying to end things with her. I hung on for another 8 months, all the while he was “trying to end” the relationship with this other woman, seeing me and also seeing 2 other women. I did not expect a committent right off since he was going through a divorce.

He finally made a decision to move out of state to get away from this other woman. Initially I was so happy, I thought maybe he would change. He invited me to see him in his new town and when I arrived, he seemed nervous. It is a small town, and we went to dinner at one of the few restuarants and ran into a couple he knew. He immediately became uncomfortable and introduced me as “someone from out of state who is interviewing for a job”! I was devastated and when I confronted him after the fact, it came out that the woman in the couple was the sister of someone he had been seeing in a sexual relationship. He had told me he was only going out in groups, he hid the fact that he was in any kind of physical relationship with anyone.

When I asked him what he wanted out of our relationship he basically said he wanted a “stay home person” in the town, but a “travel companion” on the side, which would be me. He said he loved being with me and spending time with me, but could never be in a “one person” relationship. I really love this man, and after listening to your Toxic Man program, I realized I had been doing everything wrong. I told him I just wanted to be friends, that I did not want a physical relationship with him anymore. Even as a friend, he doesn’t call when he says he will, he does not answer my emails. I have been trying to use the feeling messages and have joined 2 online dating sites so I can start dating. I already have a lot I am doing on my own, I am in Karate, I go to the gym 6 days a week, hike and work insane hours.

I have always thought of myself as a very independent person, but my heart melts when I hear this man’s voice and he gets to me like no other. Is this a hopeless situation? He told me he and this other woman have been seeing each other quite a bit, he has even met her daughter and been on family functions. I feel like my heart is being ripped in two. I know I am probably “addicted” to the situation since I cant have him. I enjoy having this man as a friend, but I want more, but don’t know if it is even worth it anymore.

I am not very good with meeting other men, any suggestions on how I can put myself “out there” to start dating more? I am currently going through your modern siren program, I need all of the help I can get!

And here’s my very tough answer (and also very encouraging…) –

Renee  you’re not going to like this –it’s going to be tough love – PLEASE don’t read further if you don’t want to get hit in the head with my brick…I think this is what you need, because no one else in all this time who you trust at all has told you this…..

First – I want to say brava for going out, Circular Dating, going to the gym, taking care of yourself and at least reducing this man to “friend.” That said…I think you need an overview so your heart no longer melts when you think of him or hear his voice…or so that you can put that melting to good use – which is what Modern Siren will do for you –  to make yourself happy, instead of miserable.

SO..here it is:  I’m going to ask you – WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO YOURSELF??!!!

You’ve been wasting your time, your life, your love, your energy on this BAD man who only wants you for a booty call, for a girl when he runs out of women he’s REALLY attracted to, a “friend” who’s there when he needs her.  And, though you’ve made amazing progress for yourself – here you are still thinking about him….giving your energy to trying to figure out what to do to GET him.

He’s clueless and narcissistic and totally toxic. BUT – you still have feelings for him.

I can’t make your feelings go away, and I wouldn’t WANT to!  Your feelings are precious, there yours, they feed your soul.  Just because you feel for the WRONG man doesn’t mean you need to throw away all the feelings ASSOCIATED with that man.

You can take your feelings WITH you, into the next experience, and the next, until you become a person FULL of feeling, afraid of NONE.

To be clear now, with the hardest part of my reply to hear:

*** If he WANTED you, he would have been with you LONG AGO.  He is not.  Therefore, he doesn’t want you.  Not only is there NOTHING you can do strategically or in any other way to GET this man, there is no reason on this earth why you would WANT him.  He lies, he cheats, he’s a player, he’s a total child and immediate gratification man, and he is clearly attracted to and hung up on a specific type of woman who is NOT you.  There.

I know you believe the physical chemistry and sex and attraction you feel between you is significant – but it’s NOT.  It’s what YOU perceive is going on…but if it truly was what HE perceived…YOU’D be in a completely different situation with him. (And, if I’m right about this guy – you’d be in a WORSE position.  You’d likely be married to him, and he’d be cheating on YOU!)

Now — REALLY , really work with Toxic Men to keep you working on what it is in YOU that’s keeping you drawn to unavailable, toxic men – and with Modern Siren, which will teach you how to USE all the emotions you’re righteously and gloriously feeling, and then get Targeting Mr. Right to teach you exactly HOW, nuts-and-bolts – to Circular Date to make it WORK for you.  Fast.

I want you out there Circular Dating, building your self-esteem, and never, ever again coming NEAR a man like this who is not falling all over himself to be with you.

That, from now on, is your one, non-negotiable criteria for a man…he must be crazy about you, so you have no doubt.  You must be RECEIVING all the time.  No giving.  No waiting.  He must be able to DO a lifelong relationship.  He must be able to give.  He must be able to take the good with the bad, to “catch” your feelings, to want to work through things with you.  He must be able to be there for the long haul – because he WANTS to.  He must be a GOOD man.

Love, Rori

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You’re Circular Dating But He Pulls Away – What To Do

sexyguybackHere’s a letter I got from Jennifer…a very universal situation if you’ve ever been in the business of attracting and being attracted to unavailable, perhaps even Toxic men:

“Rori…I have been listening to you for about a year. My name is Jennifer….I am a 35 year old single woman who has had 3 long term toxic relationships in her whole life. (One was 7 years, one was 4 years and resulted in a broken engagement, which I broke off, and the last was a 1 year Long distance imaginary relationship).

Your programs helped me get out ofthat last one, the one year, passionate (albeit emotionally unavailable man scenario) relationship with a man that devastated me. We broke up in August 2008.

After that, in the span of 7 months, I lost my job, foreclosed on a house, and moved from Las Vegas, (I hated Vegas). I felt renewed, confident, scared, cried a lot, moved on, got stronger, and ordered “Targeting Mr. Right.”….which brings you up to speed…

I have been circular dating since early May of this year. I cannot tell you the difference that I felt at first….sexy, confident, attractive, alive….ready to take on the world! I was open and ready to experience whatever the universe brought me in the form of MEN!! I went out on about 7-8 wine/coffee dates, practiced all of your tools, listening with an open heart, open body language, trying not to judge, etc…

…I met one man I was REALLY crazy about…..he was the ONLY one who got past the first date….we have been out over 9 times, had great dinners, hikes, romantic kisses near the Golden Gate Bridge…awesome chemistry. He is 40, never married, very handsome, has had several long term relationships, even lived with 2 women in the past…..even admitted to commitment phobia in the past, but I refused to judge and decided to just have fun and enjoy him.

BUT to be safe and smart, I was communicating to him, that I JUST moved, that I was actively dating and seeking to meet lots of people, and that was were I was at, even though I really loved being with him,(which I communicated to him) all of which he supported and even applauded me for…at first…

…now it seems like he is backing away because I haven’t changed my stance, and I really haven’t…… I had been STILL going out on coffee dates, although I must admit, as we got closer and closer I stopped for about 3 weeks, even though I didn’t tell him I stopped, because I didn’t want to lose my sense of power for myself or to have him sense that I was trying to CAPTURE……….

Rori, you would be soooo proud of me, because this whole time, even though I have felt my feelings deepen, I have done everything possible to RELAX and RESIST the urge to THROW him into the CAGE, as you call it! And its the one thing that I instinctively feel that is making him back away from me….I have NEVER talked about wanting to be a girlfriend, or in wanting ANY of that, even AFTER we had sex for the first and only time, two weeks ago!!

( He knew I had only had sex with 3 other men my whole life) I think that he is used to all of the women in his life and THEIR CRAP and THEIR urges to CAPTURE, (he has said things like he felt like a sperm donor, or someone that was supposed to fit into their TIMELINES etc., so I KNOW he is used to women and their pressures) He has sent me messages that he really likes me, even holding my hand saying that he would love to be a father, etc.

So….. I deliberately DO NOT do any of those old behaviors, no matter what was happening and as we got closer, I feel like the stronger I got THEN he starts in the last 2 weeks or so backing away, esp since our sexual encounter which was very passionate and fabulous, by the way. Since then, he tells me things like…”HE Is not emotionally ready for a relationship, but he has deep feelings for me, that its not me, but his crap” and he want to take some time for himself….WHAT? I haven’t pressured one bit!

And despite him saying that, He still calls me or texts me everyday ( I NEVER initiate calls,which was one of your tools which I could always do easily).  So in the last two weeks his mood seems a little down, some of his texts went something like….”I wanted to take some time for myself..I am not ignoring you, just wanted you to know..how are you?” He hasn’t made any plans to see me in almost 2 weeks, all the while, phones and texts like this almost every day……

Last night he showed up at my apt here in the City, He lives 20 miles outside the city, and this is the first time I had seen him (since the last time we saw each other and had sex which was at his house, and he asked me to stay the night) So last night in my apt……….we kissed, talked a bit (his behavior was sooooo confusing..it seems like he is waiting for me to say that I don’t want to see other guys..I FEEL that…like, he won’t say anything until I do…all this looks like he can’t man up, so. …I looked into his eyes, and opened my heart and said….”What is going on? (I know…. mistake, but I said it with a feeling message right after which was…I’m here, I like you so much, and I’m confused and feeling a bit anxious about this..what do you think?”

He said he didn’t come over to talk, he just HAD to see me, kiss me, etc. So I dropped it, gave him a huge open heart smile and a deep hug, and said I was so glad to see him and that I missed him, he returned the sentiment, Then after 15 min he left. No plans for any future dates, nothing. I smiled and let him go, even though I was so hurt and angry at that moment………

I don’t have 3 men in my rotation yet…so I won’t let him go just yet….I am not “efforting” at all outwardly, but inside I feel myself becoming a bit obsessed with this…in your experience…what is going on? Is this how some men act when they know you are dating around? I refuse to abandon myself, Although its making me miserable and sad..every date I want the chemistry I feel with him and havent found it yet….is he just being a baby, like you said in T Mr. Right? Can he man up? And should I even give a damn??? Jennifer”

***Here’s my answer:

Jennifer, This was EXACTLY right – NO MISTAKE!!! –

You must ALWAYS SPEAK THE TRUTH…That’s what keeps fear from taking over….and that’s where attraction can grow.

Some men are simply not able to do real relationship.  You know you attract these men and are attracted to them because of your history with Toxic Men.

Circular Dating will smoke those guys out!

He’s not backing away because you’re a free spirit…he’s backing away either because the attraction is not deepening for him, or because you’re not as EASY as he’d hoped, or because he’s a Toxic man and somewhere inside he KNOWS he can’t do this, or he just doesn’t ever WANT to do this, he’s just fighting his attraction to you.  Or, he just wants sex.

He may have felt the pressure from you after sex, and he may feel it from inside himself…but it makes no difference…

Sex is meaningful to a woman, no matter how much of a rock star you aim to be…you can’t help but put out stronger vibes after sex – and if you don’t, you wouldn’t be authentic . That’s why sex should only happen when you know exactly what’s going on with you and you can speak it first.

Let him back off, and if he shows up again, try not having sex. Just tell him that you could feel the pressure, and you’d rather wait and just have fun with him. From what you say about his coming over…sounds more like a booty call to me, too…let’s see what the other women on the blog can offer you…

Love, Rori

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Why Aren’t You Circular Dating

targetOkay…just got this from a member of my Customer Service team, Jolene,  who helps us all by sorting through all my emails before forwarding them to me…and it was like getting hit with a light bulb…

“Rori, Have you ever posed a question to your bloggers about why they don’t do Circular Dating and continue to try to analyze and wait around for a man? It just seems to me that the letters we get (like the ones you addressed in recent eletters) are from women who still don’t get it. Or maybe they know, but they just don’t want to do it. Why don’t they want to do it? Jolene”

And here’s the thing:

When we’re “into” a man…it’s SO HARD to do anything that feels the slightest bit different. We think we’re being disloyal. We feel guilty.

Because we’re AFRAID!!

We’re truly terrified of rocking the boat.

We’re afraid of making him mad.

We’re afraid that if WE flirt with other men to keep ourselves strong and diva-like, HE’LL start flirting with other women just to keep EVEN with us!

AND…I HAVE heard of things like this happening…but NOT for the reason you think!

Are we so afraid of displeasing a man who has not committed to us that we FREEZE ourselves?

Are we so afraid of facing, head-on and truthfully, what IS ACTUALLY going on in a relationship that is making US unhappy – that we just tolerate “whatever”?

That we just…WAIT?

Now..how does THAT image feel?

The problem happens when we start Circular Dating to “get back” at a man. or to play “games,” or to “play hard to get.”

Anything you do on the outside that’s FAKE, that’s meant to cause some sort of reaction in a man is playing with fire, and is working AGAINST YOU.

What you want to do is BECOME “hard to get.” For REAL.

That means, you have options, and YOU are in a position to CHOOSE him or….NOT!!

In other words…where does a man “get off” sewing up your time, energy and love…without life-long commitment? I mean…”Really!”

Yes, Circular Dating might make your man ANGRY.

The thing is…so WHAT??!! So WHAT if he gets angry?

Those of us who’ve lived our lives trying to get what we want and need with sugar and honey, and working to win people over and be liked, and those of us who’ve been actually abused, and so tried to “get along” in order to simply SURVIVE…are afraid of doing ANYTHING that might anger someone else.

We are always in a position of “explaining” ourselves. We are always concerned about “hurting” him (actually we’re concerned with angering him”).

We always think it’s up to US to “make the peace.”

And Circular Dating is sort of radical. It’s subversive to all that. It’s putting your OPTIONS ahead of someone else’s feelings. It’s not trying to get what you want by giving someone else what he wants.

It’s simply being forthright, open, vulnerable, truthful, and pro-active about what YOU want, and allowing everyone (and believe me there are TONS of great men who are despairing of ever finding a woman who actually has HER OWN RUDDER and follows her OWN DREAM) to want to connect to YOU.

It is becoming the object of desire rather than remaining the “chaser” of desire.

It’s a completely different way to live your life, in which loyalty and fidelity and exclusivity are EARNED by a man, rather than somehow “expected.” It’s flying in the face of convention and convenience and what we all did in high school. It’s being willing to live without a “boyfriend” because what you want is a ‘husband” and “family.”

So…no WONDER you’re not Circular Dating? Well – I’m here (we’re ALL here, in this wonderful community) to CHANGE that convention. To CHANGE that “expectation.” To END the “rules” of the “game” as they stand now. And to actually END the GAME.

There IS no game. Not anymore. There’s only you, what you want and need and deserve, and the men who “get that” and want to be with you.

There is no more time, energy and love left for any man who does not want you.

The days of settling for less love are over.

The days of calling being loved by a good man “settling” just because he doesn’t fit your “mental picture” of what you want in a man…are OVER.

Circular Dating is not a game. It’s not a strategy. It’s a therapeutic, pro-active Tool to get your Masculine energy engaged in the SERVICE of your Feminine self. It’s a Tool to get you out in the world so you can PRACTICE the Inner work of the Siren you truly are.

I’m your head cheerleader…so let’s get on with this. Get your toes wet in the ideas of Circular Dating, learn how to do it for REAL. (Not how you imagine I mean you to do it, or how you guess or piece together how I mean for you to do it…there are very subtle and important things about doing this right that make all the difference in how your “vibe” will shift for the good of your life, and doing it half-way or with the wrong mind-set will just keep you where you are and allow you to say “it didn’t work”…when it DOES WORK!!!)

Let me know how my Targeting Mr. Right program helps you.  If you don’t have it yet, take a look at the letter I’ve written around it on my catalog page over on the “sidebar’ here – just that letter alone will help you understand how Circular Dating actually works.

Let me know how I can best help you to move from focusing on one man to Circular Dating…and to get what you want!

Love, Rori

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From Heartbreak To a Fabulous Date – How Free Therapy Works

date-linedrawingThis is a quick post that will take you through the process of Circular Dating when you’re actually still seeing a man you love, feeling heartbreak, and where “dating” is the last thing you feel like doing.   Ellen is going about this step by step, and making some mistakes I correct so you don’t have to make them!:

“Rori, Okay I am much better today.. much better. I made a pact with myself prior to going to bed last night that I would have no more bad bad days… I would feel it and let it go . It worked wonderfully/ I still get pangs here and there some of them are mine and I know some of them are his. When I recognize a feeling that is not my own, I just let it go… when I “know” it is him I just say… No Don… this is yours not mine” and it leaves me.

So I received the Reconnect Your Relationship CDs and they are great. I had to drive for work today so I was able to listen to nearly the whole program. It is my favorite of the 3 I have.

I have a dinner date tonight which I am looking forward to the practice. I will try to use a lot of feeling messages but don’t guys think … weird she is saying “feeling” allot??  I have been asked out for a couple more coffee dates and I will accept one for this week. I cannot be dating every day… number one I am still learning and number 2, I have my daughter who I want to spend time with too.  Ellen”

Here was my answer to her:

Ellen – you are doing great! I’m totally impressed with what you’re doing here, and so happy you’re feeling better. It may take you a few days to feel natural with the new language – that’s why the boring, toady men come in handy, you won’t care how the practice goes…I think you’ll be surprised how quickly you catch on, and then all we have to do is “tweak” – you go girl!

It’s all free therapy – so do as much of it as you logistically can. Remember to write down what you felt, the Tools you used – so that it FEELs like therapy and all about YOU and not about any dating success thing…Love, Rori

Ellen wrote me again, to update me:

“Thank you for the support, Rori. The date went well… and I did use a few of the tools which made me feel powerful and wow… he really stepped up to the plate. It was amazing… he kinda fell all over himself.  Listening to your Reconnect series… wow… I did EVERYTHING wrong with Don… I mean EVERYTHING.

This guy last night… he did stay overnight, but I told him no to naked and no to sex that I just did not feel comfortable with that since I don’t know him that well.  I am not sure it was a good idea to let him stay, he may of been a little distant this AM so I may or may not hear from him again. Overall the date was a success though. I think I have had enough for this week.. if I get asked out for the weekend, I will accept. I need to spend some time with my daughter, Ellen”

Here’s what I wrote back:

Ellen – you ROCK!!

Now – okay, you had a long date that lasted overnight. Please don’t do that again.

I want you to focus on SHORT dates- no longer than ½ hour for the first – a coffee meeting or a walk with the coffee, a speed dating evening so you get a bunch of 5 minute experiences – let’s see how fast you can “connect” emotionally – while all the other women are doing “get-to-know-standard-stuff” – you’ll be Feeling Message and authentically speaking the truth in the moment and practicing… (okay – special occasions, or you can experiment with longer dates…but those will not do the job for you here as well as a LOT of short ones.)

The point is the “therapy,” the practice…not whether it goes well, but what you’re learning.

Sometimes it’s going to go “icky” – and that may be the MOST powerful lesson…so don’t judge the experience…just experience it! – and practice. It will take ALL the pressure off you, and then things can HAPPEN without you TRYING to make them happen.

There are some very specific instructions here for Circular Dating when you are actually “dating.”  The same principle goes for simply saying “Thank You” to a strange man who does something chivalrous who opens the door for you at the coffee house, or smiling at a man who’s looking at you, or responding with Feeling Messages to a man who starts talking to you in the middle of a line at the dry cleaners.

(Also – I left in Ellen’s references to my Reconnect your Relationship program.  Each of you will have your own favorite, the one that sings to you most in the situation you’re in right now.  There’s so much in Reconnect that’s unbelievably powerful and nowhere else in my programs…I’d love to know how each program you have works for you in different ways…)

It’s all just “Practice.”  Circular Dating is designed to take the pressure off yourself, so you can focus on just doing the Tools and letting them do the work FOR you.

Let me know how your specific moments are going with Circular Dating, and we’ll put together a faq on it together!

Love, Rori

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Self-Acceptance Is the Key to Feeling Loved

heartfatThis is an article by Matthew Walter and Orna Banarie, who have a fantastic story of how they found each other (the wedding is just about to happen…). Matthew is a terrific hypnotherapist, and Orna does life and relationship coaching using hand analysis (I personally had a great reading by her) — and now, the two of them are teaching, in teleclasses and coaching, what they’ve learned from their own amazing experience finding love with each other when they least expected it…(see how relaxed they are with each other…)

Which one of these scenarios best describes your experience in relationships? orna-and-matthew

1. You always find yourself needing to please your partner. Constantly putting their needs ahead of yours, you find that at times you feel resentful wondering when all of your selfless action will be recognized and reciprocated. You wish your partner would be able to anticipate your needs as well as you anticipate theirs. Ultimately, all of this leads to you constantly twisting into a pretzel to receive love.

2. You feel like you’ve been duped in your relationship. You thought you knew who your partner was until you made that deeper commitment and everything changed. Suddenly your partner has different opinions than you and begins to express them. This person is no longer interested in doing the things that you did during your courtship. In fact it may seem like you’ve married or moved in with a completely different person.

3. You are extremely attracted to people who reject you. It seems that the more you are told that you are not right for that person, the more you want to prove them wrong. You may even begin a process of changing who you are in order to become more like what you think that person wants. When you meet someone who is attracted to you and likes you for who you are, you are not interested in that person. You may even feel that person is not worthy of being with you as it would be too easy to start a relationship with them. You prefer a challenge and like the chase, but lose interest when you get the prize.

These may seem like completely different scenarios, but they all point to a common problem – a lack of self-acceptance. In the first scenario the person lacks an ability to see their needs as valuable. When we seek approval outside of ourselves we find ourselves twisting into pretzels. We often think “What shape can I assume that will make me attractive to you?” This is a game of rejecting who we are and hoping that the new shape we assume will be loveable. When what we really need to do is to learn to accept all of our qualities, both good and bad, and by finding that acceptance then we can be authentic in relationship with others.

In the second scenario the partner in the relationship isn’t purposefully deceiving their partner. Instead, this is caused by someone thinking that it is not okay or safe to be themselves until they get that deeper commitment from you. They finally relax and allow their true self to be revealed to you. This is not usually a conscious choice to deceive you. It happens because that person does not believe that you would love them for who they really are. That person lacks a sense of self-acceptance.

In the last scenario the problem lies with a sense of worthlessness and an inability to receive. This person seeks that rejection because that is what they feel inside. Often times when they are in relationship with the person who does love them for who they are, they will sabotage the relationship to prove that they were not worthy of receiving love and acceptance. The desire to prove themselves worthy to the person who rejects them is really a desire to prove to themselves that they are worthy.

Why is self-acceptance so important in your relationships? Because how you see yourself, how you feel about yourself – self-judgment, self-criticism, etc – effects your ability to be authentic in relationship. The belief is that if you show your true self you will not be loved. The problem is if you don’t ever show your true self, then you can never be loved for who you really are.

Another problem that arises in relationship that comes from a lack of self-acceptance is that we begin to judge our partner’s behavior and become critical of them. If it is true that all judgment is self-judgment, then when we are so annoyed by our partner’s behavior we can ask ourselves “Is this a reflection of a fault within my character?”

Only by knowing what we truly need to be happy, what we truly need in order to nurture ourselves, can we feel comfortable asking our partners to love us in the way we truly can receive love. It is in the search for self-acceptance, that all parts of us are worthy of being loved, that we begin to learn to love ourselves. When we love ourselves it becomes easy to ask for what we want, it becomes easy to enforce our boundaries, and it becomes easy to receive the love we most desire. That love is what “true love” is all about.

Orna and Matthew are doing a continuing series of free teleclasses…and I’ll be interviewing them soon for my monthly Interviews With Relationship Experts CD series. You can read more about what they’re doing (you can find them on facebook, too) right here:
www.CreatingLoveOnPurpose.com

Love, Rori

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Intimacy — Afraid? How To Start Doing It Anyway –

manflowersbehindbackIt’s possible that most of us have never known true intimacy from the moment we came into the world.

We’ve been labelled, taught, cajoled and prodded, been threatened by all forms of authority, told what’s true and what isn’t, and disrespected for everything from our feelings to our thoughts. Our relationships have been more about pleasing others than pleasing ourselves.

More about struggling and using our wits to get what we need and what we think we want than discovering what it is we really want.

Sometimes we need someone else to tell us that it’s okay to want what we want.

Sometimes we only accidentally discover that the person we really are, warts and all, underneath all the masks and games we’ve learned to put between ourselves and others, is truly loveable. It can change our lives forever, or remain a lost opportunity forever.

Someone sees us — really sees us — in a moment of accidental abandon and their heart fills up with love for us. We deny this possibility and push that someone away because we so don’t believe we are loveable.

Does this sound like you? It’s most all of us.

We can’t, or won’t get close enough to someone who may very well be a great partner for us because we’ve never done it.

We don’t know how.

When I was an actor, I did not have access to my emotions (pretty big skill limitation for an actor).

I could pretend fairly well, and it got me far –I could laugh nearly anytime, but I was completely detached from my anger and pain. An actor friend told me — “fake it til you make it.” Meaning, if I pounded the table hard enough and long enough with my fist, I’d feel angry. If I hit my hand with a hammer over and over again, I’d feel pain. I’d probably cry.

I use some of this “fake it til you make it” philosophy in teaching you how to express yourselves (and sharing all the techniques I discovered to find my feelings and dig deeper into the feelings and learn to express them no matter what) — because we’ve all already been pounding the table and hitting ourselves with hammers to feel bad, instead of finding and using new things to do that make us feel good.

Sometimes, just not saying or doing something can trigger the real stuff. Sometimes, just not saying or doing something you’ve always said or done in the same situation will change the pattern of your life forever.  Change the dynamic in a relationship you may already be in — forever.

Trust creeps in, in small ways.

Intimacy takes hold in the spaces between words.

Not speaking not from your heart leaves room for speaking from your heart.

The next time you’re tempted to tell a man what to do, even though you know how to do it better than he does, or to even just tell him what you think — stop yourself. Stop talking. See what happens.

So what do you do when you’ve stopped talking?

How do you communicate anything? The simple answer is to use an “I feel” message. This sounds easy. But it’s probably something you don’t really have words for. Starting with “I feel” is the perfect start, but what then?

Go with what’s really there. Feel the floor under your feet. Feel the table in front of you. Feel your heart beat, your stomach gurgle, the tightness in your chest that’s there because you’re mad, or upset, or frustrated, or giddy, and you don’t know what to say.

Feel the most concrete, real, simple thing you can, and say that. Just saying, “I’m hungry” is better than “Let’s go to that little Italian place, okay?”

This is a game, you say. No, it isn’t. It’s the missing link. The missing piece that we never learned as children. We learned how to get along, how to influence others, how to look and do good, but we never learned how to even make contact with what we really feel, much less ever said it simply.

A woman who can say what she feels, simply, directly, passionately, with energy and conviction or matter-of-factness will find her man in record time. And there will be nothing to stop him from grabbing her and running with it.

Remember the public display Tom Cruise did over Katie Holmes?  Well, that wasn’t bad, or weird, or bizarre. It’s the way men are supposed to behave when they’re in love — only we’ve all forgotten. They’re supposed to turn cartwheels.  And they DO. But we’re all embarrassed. We’re all afraid of intimacy. What would happen if we behaved as if we weren’t?

Love, Rori

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