This is a quick post that will take you through the process of Circular Dating when you’re actually still seeing a man you love, feeling heartbreak, and where “dating” is the last thing you feel like doing. Ellen is going about this step by step, and making some mistakes I correct so you don’t have to make them!:
“Rori, Okay I am much better today.. much better. I made a pact with myself prior to going to bed last night that I would have no more bad bad days… I would feel it and let it go . It worked wonderfully/ I still get pangs here and there some of them are mine and I know some of them are his. When I recognize a feeling that is not my own, I just let it go… when I “know” it is him I just say… No Don… this is yours not mine” and it leaves me.
So I received the Reconnect Your Relationship CDs and they are great. I had to drive for work today so I was able to listen to nearly the whole program. It is my favorite of the 3 I have.
I have a dinner date tonight which I am looking forward to the practice. I will try to use a lot of feeling messages but don’t guys think … weird she is saying “feeling” allot?? I have been asked out for a couple more coffee dates and I will accept one for this week. I cannot be dating every day… number one I am still learning and number 2, I have my daughter who I want to spend time with too. Ellen”
Here was my answer to her:
Ellen – you are doing great! I’m totally impressed with what you’re doing here, and so happy you’re feeling better. It may take you a few days to feel natural with the new language – that’s why the boring, toady men come in handy, you won’t care how the practice goes…I think you’ll be surprised how quickly you catch on, and then all we have to do is “tweak” – you go girl!
It’s all free therapy – so do as much of it as you logistically can. Remember to write down what you felt, the Tools you used – so that it FEELs like therapy and all about YOU and not about any dating success thing…Love, Rori
Ellen wrote me again, to update me:
“Thank you for the support, Rori. The date went well… and I did use a few of the tools which made me feel powerful and wow… he really stepped up to the plate. It was amazing… he kinda fell all over himself. Listening to your Reconnect series… wow… I did EVERYTHING wrong with Don… I mean EVERYTHING.
This guy last night… he did stay overnight, but I told him no to naked and no to sex that I just did not feel comfortable with that since I don’t know him that well. I am not sure it was a good idea to let him stay, he may of been a little distant this AM so I may or may not hear from him again. Overall the date was a success though. I think I have had enough for this week.. if I get asked out for the weekend, I will accept. I need to spend some time with my daughter, Ellen”
Here’s what I wrote back:
Ellen – you ROCK!!
Now – okay, you had a long date that lasted overnight. Please don’t do that again.
I want you to focus on SHORT dates- no longer than ½ hour for the first – a coffee meeting or a walk with the coffee, a speed dating evening so you get a bunch of 5 minute experiences – let’s see how fast you can “connect” emotionally – while all the other women are doing “get-to-know-standard-stuff” – you’ll be Feeling Message and authentically speaking the truth in the moment and practicing… (okay – special occasions, or you can experiment with longer dates…but those will not do the job for you here as well as a LOT of short ones.)
The point is the “therapy,” the practice…not whether it goes well, but what you’re learning.
Sometimes it’s going to go “icky” – and that may be the MOST powerful lesson…so don’t judge the experience…just experience it! – and practice. It will take ALL the pressure off you, and then things can HAPPEN without you TRYING to make them happen.
There are some very specific instructions here for Circular Dating when you are actually “dating.” The same principle goes for simply saying “Thank You” to a strange man who does something chivalrous who opens the door for you at the coffee house, or smiling at a man who’s looking at you, or responding with Feeling Messages to a man who starts talking to you in the middle of a line at the dry cleaners.
(Also – I left in Ellen’s references to my Reconnect your Relationship program. Each of you will have your own favorite, the one that sings to you most in the situation you’re in right now. There’s so much in Reconnect that’s unbelievably powerful and nowhere else in my programs…I’d love to know how each program you have works for you in different ways…)
It’s all just “Practice.” Circular Dating is designed to take the pressure off yourself, so you can focus on just doing the Tools and letting them do the work FOR you.
Let me know how your specific moments are going with Circular Dating, and we’ll put together a faq on it together!