Here’s a comment from Alicia that I thought was important for us to work with…
“Rori, I just found your program and have not yet received your Modern Siren however I did read the Have the Relationship You Want Book. Anyway. I have been seeing a guy since July we were going along great and then he stopped trying as much in early September. This man is 100% worth my time and all I ever dreamed of. I see some of my errors and am working on fixing them as of yesterday. We talk or text daily, seems if we call each other but I call a 65% off the time and he 45%, I will stop that now.
He switched when he was going through a emotional crises with work, he owns multiple business and has high stress. He says he cares for me, just has been overworked and stressed. He says I am perfect, a ten of a ten. I have gone there and wrote emotional letters and asked all the wrong things, poured my heart out,because he said something that sounded like he had reserves about my intentions with him. But at the same time some of it seemed to a least get us going out on lunch dates again a few weeks ago.
He knew I was dating around some but I made the mistake in telling him he captured me like no other and other men are spinning wheels trying to get close to me. I said I still talk to great men that pursue me because he had not asked for anything different. But in my heart he has taken hold.
In the first two months he pursued me fiercely, we talked non stop. I want that back.
How do I get him to stop texting and start calling? We text lots from the start but that depth has changed. I thought of saying in the next text, “Thank you for your text, I want to express to you I feel like texts are impersonal and I don’t want to communicate with you like this the majority of the time.” The texting is like half way communicating, but I’m still grateful out of his busy day he stop in to say HI, I’m torn. How is that and is it okay to say in a text. Then breath let go and wait for his call.
Sometimes when he calls should I play a little hard to get from time to time? Not pick up, wait for a few hours to call back? I did skim you Have the Relationship You Want on Sunday morning, texted him and asked him if he could give me advise. He texted back immediately and said I think so what’s up? I cried out of fear of what I was about to say. I called him 45 min later and after the small talk I beat around the bush and took a deep breath and said I FEEL LONELY, especially when me kids are at their dads. ( I got divorced last year) I said I had out grown many of my friends that go out and I would not compromise on where I go and what I do, so I stay at home.
What do you think I should do? He said he knew exactly what I felt, identified with me and said he always started making projects and to do list to keep busy, then when kids come back you feel good cause that’s off your plate. I listen and the tears started rolling, I tried not to let him know but I think he did. Then he said his phone was about to die and he would call back later. I said okay and thank you. Later he did text announcing his sons after school care was closing in one week. I text WOW, Interesting and I sorry to hear that. He did not call back last night but I am sure he will text today. (I did read the whole Have The Relationship You Want, last night)
Is that what I should text back? Should I show strength and contentment when he calls back like I did not notice he didn’t call. OH and I don’t want to be the lunch date girl. He said last week, ” I need to make time and take you out at night” Should I say next time he asks me out to lunch, Thank you but I would rather wait, let you use that time to get other things done. I don’t want to just see you at lunch? Or what?
Thank you for all the help you have giving me thus far I feel there is hope and inspiration already! Alicia”
Here’s my answer:
The short answer is to really practice the Tools in Have The Relationship You Want, get Targeting Mr. Right to learn exactly how to Circular Date, Modern Siren to learn how to use your emotions to get you what you want, and Reconnect Your Relationship to give you essential Tools to understand why what you’re doing is not working and how to change that instantly. And the long answer is everything we’re doing here – which is practicing the Tools – each of us, in our own way, in our own time…and watching and feeling the process and experiencing what happens when we try new things.
The fact that you’re talking about strategy and games and “playing” anything tells me you’re on the wrong track.
I know you’ve likely discovered this, but you can’t “skim” the ebook (or even just “read” it) – because it’s a “workbook.” You have to actually DO the Tools. It’s practicing, just like learning a new language or an instrument.
When you start this process – the first “read-thru” of the book, or the first “listen” or “watch” of one of my programs is to help you understand what you need to stop doing and start doing, and the fact that you called this man immediately tells me you didn’t “get” the main message. So – Please – go back to the book.
Read it from cover to cover (which you’ve done now), and then DO the Tools. Every chapter – about Listening, Overfunctioning, the Sensual Meditation, the Four Rules – and Feeling Messages – is a CRUCIAL, BASIC Tool you need to master in order to turn things around quickly. I know you will get the help you need here and in the programs…there’s space to write, exact instructions on doing and practicing…and know that these Tools are only meant to be done in short bits – (5 to 15 seconds at a time, most of them) – so it’s not like a meditative “sitting practice.” It’s not something you do “alone” or in a certain state of mind, or something you “set aside time for.”
The Tools are meant to be done in the spur of the moment – taking whatever you feel and however you are and whatever’s going on and USING it to turn your life around – baby-step by baby-step. Some are as easy as touching an object. Or stamping the floor with your foot.
They’re meant to be done out in the world – in the presence of a man. They’re meant to take you past your old patterns without shaking up your system or causing you to feel resistance or get your defenses up. The Tools will TAKE DOWN your defenses, little by little, so you become even MORE of who you already are, and learn to express that gorgeous siren you truly are.
The Tools are meant to uncover the beauty of who you are from all the gook we women have learned to coat ourselves with – all the pretending and pretense and bad feelings for ourselves.
It’s like a…cleanse. But in little bits and pieces that sort of free you up from the tension and distress of being taught our whole lives to THINK our way through a romantic relationship.
If I can put it all into one short statement…I would say that, after teaching you the why, the what and the how of it – all my Tools are to help you practice FEELING your way through life. To receive from men rather than to give to them. And to be and experience who you are in the world instead of thinking about and pretending to be who you want to be. We are all imperfect, and that’s what makes us each so uniquely beautiful and amazing.
Before you can figure out what to “say” to a man – you have to know what you Feel.
You have to know what you Don’t Want.
You have to choose words based on what you feel, and what the TRUTH is, otherwise, you’re just pretending, and that will not work.
If you are Circular Dating…why would you make a big deal about lunch? There would be other men to take you out to dinner! Instead of trying to goose him along…you want him to feel COMPELLED to CHASE you…and you can’t do that by strategizing.
The moment a man “gets” (and they’re much swifter about this than we think) – that we’re “into him,” he loses attraction for us.
Let me know how practicing the Tools in the ebook change things for you…and then we can all pull your question apart and put it back together using Tools at every turn…This is a fantastic comment to work with, because it hits so many of the important parts.
You can’t change your life until you understand what you need to change.
And then you can’t change what you know you need to change without PRACTICING change.
So, here we are, practicing…and I’m practicing right along with you, and love all the sharing about how it works for each of us.