Have The Relationship You Want

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Here’s a comment I thought was really universal, and I wanted to jump off from it:

“Rori, I can tell you that on the dating site, it seems to work differently. I would like Rori’s opinion, but here is my take on dating sites: It is OK to contact a man online first–I am of the opinion this is the ONLY time that is OK, because for some reason, online guys are reluctant to contact people. I could be wrong, but I don’t think so. After the initial contact by you, though, I never make the first move after that. I let them contact me from then on. Just the initial contact is OK with me. Try this and see what happens. I have met some really great men online and lots that I have contacted first. It didn’t seem to make a difference at all. Remember, just the initial contact. After that, follow Rori’s advice and don’t call or write unless they have contacted you. Good luck!”

Sandra, Welcome, and thank you for your suggestions on online dating…and here’s my take:

If you are a woman who has absolutely not one little bit of desperation or need creeping up in her— ever –then you are a rock star, and you can do ANYTHING.

You can take off your clothes, walk up to a man on the street and wrap your body around him.

You can call every man in the phone book.

AND - if you are already a rock star - then you would already be in a fantastic relationship, and I would not see you here.

The truth is…start FIRST with HEALING yourself…and for most of us this means getting rid of desperation and need - which shows itself in masculine energy things like initiating, working to make things happen, calling, and..yes…surfing through the men on Match.com and winking or emailing them.

It RELIEVES our internal pressure when we DO stuff…which is why I’ve created so many Tools for your “boy” energy to use pro-actively that work FOR YOU, instead of against you, and give your “girl” energy a chance to shine.  This takes practice.  It’s reversing years and years and years - our whole lives often - of doing things in ways that simply don’t work for a relationship.

It’s undoing a lifetime of squashing down our needs, our wants, our feelings…and using every bit of our energy to just “get by” - survive.  We’ve been taught to work for what we want…and that works in many, many arenas (that’s why I want you to develop and use and celebrate your masculine energy in Tools like “Channeling) - but it DOESN’T work for romance.

If what you want is a man who’s mostly a “boy” in your life , your heart, your bed…then you have to learn to be mostly a “girl” in HIS life, HIS heart, HIS bed.  That’s weird for many of us.

But that’s the way you get what you really, truly want and deserve.  We are ALL, truly “girls” inside.  We’ve just hidden that light behind a flurry of “doing.”

It takes a bit of bravery, and a lot of practice to slowly let that light be seen.  But you can do it, I know you can.

Love, Rori

Here’s a comment from Renee I jumped right off of, because I felt so strongly I’m about as forceful as I’m ever going to get.  This is total tough love, totally hard to hear if you’re Renee, so Renee - please don’t read it if you don’t want to hear it this brutally…and let’s all help with getting Renee going in the right direction…Renee - you’ve had enough pain…I want you to be happy right now:

“Rori,  I have listened to your Toxic Men program and it has really taught me what have been doing wrong in relationships. I have been dealing with this toxic man for the last year. I have known this man for 12 years. We were involved 12 years ago for about 3 years. He was separated when we met and continued seeing each other after he went back to his wife, I know, bad mistake. I finally ended things after I moved out of state. He would still call and want to see me, but I felt that he had made his decision to be with his wife and it wasn’t right for him to continue to try to see me.

We lost touch for about 5 years, then I got a phone call about a year and a half ago, saying he was seperated “for real” and was sorry for how he had hurt me. I started things out as friends since I wanted to make sure the relationship with his wife was really over. When the divorce had been filed, I agreed to see him. I wanted to just be friends, but the chemistry between us is very strong and we developed a sexual relationship. We had an amazing time together and by the way he initially talked I thought we could finally be together as we had always dreamed.

Two months after we started seeing each other he told me about this other woman who he had been deeply involved with for the last year, and that was why he was getting divorced, his wife kicked him out of the house for having an affair. He told me he was trying to end things with her. I hung on for another 8 months, all the while he was “trying to end” the relationship with this other woman, seeing me and also seeing 2 other women. I did not expect a committent right off since he was going through a divorce.

He finally made a decision to move out of state to get away from this other woman. Initially I was so happy, I thought maybe he would change. He invited me to see him in his new town and when I arrived, he seemed nervous. It is a small town, and we went to dinner at one of the few restuarants and ran into a couple he knew. He immediately became uncomfortable and introduced me as “someone from out of state who is interviewing for a job”! I was devastated and when I confronted him after the fact, it came out that the woman in the couple was the sister of someone he had been seeing in a sexual relationship. He had told me he was only going out in groups, he hid the fact that he was in any kind of physical relationship with anyone.

When I asked him what he wanted out of our relationship he basically said he wanted a “stay home person” in the town, but a “travel companion” on the side, which would be me. He said he loved being with me and spending time with me, but could never be in a “one person” relationship. I really love this man, and after listening to your Toxic Man program, I realized I had been doing everything wrong. I told him I just wanted to be friends, that I did not want a physical relationship with him anymore. Even as a friend, he doesn’t call when he says he will, he does not answer my emails. I have been trying to use the feeling messages and have joined 2 online dating sites so I can start dating. I already have a lot I am doing on my own, I am in Karate, I go to the gym 6 days a week, hike and work insane hours.

I have always thought of myself as a very independent person, but my heart melts when I hear this man’s voice and he gets to me like no other. Is this a hopeless situation? He told me he and this other woman have been seeing each other quite a bit, he has even met her daughter and been on family functions. I feel like my heart is being ripped in two. I know I am probably “addicted” to the situation since I cant have him. I enjoy having this man as a friend, but I want more, but don’t know if it is even worth it anymore.

I am not very good with meeting other men, any suggestions on how I can put myself “out there” to start dating more? I am currently going through your modern siren program, I need all of the help I can get!

And here’s my very tough answer (and also very encouraging…) -

Renee  you’re not going to like this –it’s going to be tough love - PLEASE don’t read further if you don’t want to get hit in the head with my brick…I think this is what you need, because no one else in all this time who you trust at all has told you this…..

First - I want to say brava for going out, Circular Dating, going to the gym, taking care of yourself and at least reducing this man to “friend.” That said…I think you need an overview so your heart no longer melts when you think of him or hear his voice…or so that you can put that melting to good use - which is what Modern Siren will do for you -  to make yourself happy, instead of miserable.

SO..here it is:  I’m going to ask you - WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO YOURSELF??!!!

You’ve been wasting your time, your life, your love, your energy on this BAD man who only wants you for a booty call, for a girl when he runs out of women he’s REALLY attracted to, a “friend” who’s there when he needs her.  And, though you’ve made amazing progress for yourself - here you are still thinking about him….giving your energy to trying to figure out what to do to GET him.

He’s clueless and narcissistic and totally toxic. BUT - you still have feelings for him.

I can’t make your feelings go away, and I wouldn’t WANT to!  Your feelings are precious, there yours, they feed your soul.  Just because you feel for the WRONG man doesn’t mean you need to throw away all the feelings ASSOCIATED with that man.

You can take your feelings WITH you, into the next experience, and the next, until you become a person FULL of feeling, afraid of NONE.

To be clear now, with the hardest part of my reply to hear:

*** If he WANTED you, he would have been with you LONG AGO.  He is not.  Therefore, he doesn’t want you.  Not only is there NOTHING you can do strategically or in any other way to GET this man, there is no reason on this earth why you would WANT him.  He lies, he cheats, he’s a player, he’s a total child and immediate gratification man, and he is clearly attracted to and hung up on a specific type of woman who is NOT you.  There.

I know you believe the physical chemistry and sex and attraction you feel between you is significant - but it’s NOT.  It’s what YOU perceive is going on…but if it truly was what HE perceived…YOU’D be in a completely different situation with him. (And, if I’m right about this guy - you’d be in a WORSE position.  You’d likely be married to him, and he’d be cheating on YOU!)

Now — REALLY , really work with Toxic Men to keep you working on what it is in YOU that’s keeping you drawn to unavailable, toxic men - and with Modern Siren, which will teach you how to USE all the emotions you’re righteously and gloriously feeling, and then get Targeting Mr. Right to teach you exactly HOW, nuts-and-bolts - to Circular Date to make it WORK for you.  Fast.

I want you out there Circular Dating, building your self-esteem, and never, ever again coming NEAR a man like this who is not falling all over himself to be with you.

That, from now on, is your one, non-negotiable criteria for a man…he must be crazy about you, so you have no doubt.  You must be RECEIVING all the time.  No giving.  No waiting.  He must be able to DO a lifelong relationship.  He must be able to give.  He must be able to take the good with the bad, to “catch” your feelings, to want to work through things with you.  He must be able to be there for the long haul - because he WANTS to.  He must be a GOOD man.

Love, Rori