We all feel compelled – from a deep, inner, subconscious place we can’t easily get to – to do and say things that those deep, inner, subconscious parts of ourselves think will keep us “safe.”
But those hidden parts of ourselves only think they know how to keep us safe.
Most of the time – it isn’t safety at all.
These deep, hidden, subconscious parts of ourselves are operating out of old, stiff, stuck, repetitive reactions and responses, and push us to do and say the same things over and over again, that create the same situations and the same results for us over and over again.
This is not safety these hidden parts of ourselves create. It’s DISTANCE.
We make it, from deep inside ourselves, that we can only get as close to another person as we can without getting anxious and feeling the inner pressures build up. The moment anxiety shows up, we are instinctively pulled back into our old ways of thinking, feeling, saying and doing.
And that’s why nothing changes for us. Things look different – different faces and different places – but they’re the same in an emotional way.
Therapy is traditionally about healing these inner pressures – going down into them, rooting them out, talking them out, connecting them up to each other and releasing them. Only – that doesn’t work so well.
Thoughts and ideas and research around the field of psychology is constantly changing, and the practice of it by therapists is constantly adapting. I believe firmly that by going down and dredging up old stuff, you stay much more down in there. I believe old stuff is as alive and kicking in us right now, this moment, as it ever was – and that the fastest and smoothest and least painful way to release the old patterns and start fresh is to do it in REVERSE.
In other words – START FRESH. Forget about letting go. Forget about resolving stuff. Start fresh.
And in the process of starting fresh, the old pressures will start to bubble up.
But – instead of bubbling up in the therapist’s office, they’ll bubble up where you don’t want them to bubble up – in a romantic moment with a man you like, in an argument with him, at a party with a lot of high energy and fear and so many new people. In life.
They’ll start to rise in our systems and start to try to get noticed, try to STOP the parade of this new, fresh start – all in the service of trying, desperately, to keep us SAFE. And the clue that this is happening is ANXIETY. FEAR. Sort of out of nowhere, it shows up, and we can’t always attach it to something.
If we’re very observant, we can notice what might have TRIGGERED the anxiety…but STILL – we have to deal with it. We can ask ourselves – What am I afraid of? What am I angry at? We can consciously relax our bodies and minds, so that we’re forced to DROP into the feelings – which pretty much bypasses the anxiety completely…
The idea is for the stuff to come up…but in a way that feels good – that feels like a RELEASE – even if it’s a chaotic feeling – rather than feeling like a painful knife in your gut – something we feel the intense need to resist, to overcome, to STOP. What we want it to feel like is just a “dropping-into.”
Monica wrote me with a situation that so perfectly describes how we do this to ourselves using relationships with men. We cannot tolerate being intimate emotionally with someone, for reasons deep inside ourselves, and so we constantly become involved with, pine after, desire, invest in men who are simply, basically – unavailable.
When we choose to involve ourselves with an emotionally unavailable man, it’s very subtle – we can talk ourselves into all kinds of excuses.
But when the distance is actual, physical distance as well – when there’s distance in many logistical ways – it’s such an illogical thing to do – we have to turn ourselves into pretzels to believe in the excuses. We create Imaginary Relationships out of words – which might as well be out of thin air. And this is exactly what Melissa is doing:
“Hi Rori, I am currently in limbo or possibly ended a relationship as my long distance boyfriend a lot younger than me who lives 500 miles away in a different city. We have only been together twice in last 8 months. I am 47 and he is 27, I know it is a huge gap and I have never dated a man that young before, but definitely dated younger men ie. 6 to 8 years younger and a few slightly older men (they were only short term though).
The reason why I say ‘limbo’ or ended is everything ‘appeared’ to be going fine…Ron, my boyfriend and I spoke on the phone several times a week and he was wanting to TRY and move to my city and try and get a job while doing his studies and try and get a placement here for his degree in Business studies he is currently studying and even spoke of wanting to have a child and getting married. By the way I am his first girlfriend, so in many ways he has very little experience in relationships.
Well he simply stopped calling…The last time we spoke was about 2 weeks ago and the last phone call seemed out of character he sounded nervous tense and little abrupt and by coincidence he had just moved into a new house with old friend, who invites Ron to attend his church sometimes and that is where he was when we last spoke shortly.
I am shocked and surprised at this sudden change in behavior. I tried calling him a few times the next morning after we spoke shortly and then several times in the evening with no answer or response and then noticed he switched off his phone which he doesn’t do and my last message was an sms asking whether he was ok and is everything ok and would love to speak with him that night as I would be busy for next several days due to Christmas and absolutely no response whatsoever. I have intuitively felt to not call again, just give him space which is what I have done, but was very difficult initially. In fact I was a mess the first week, couldn’t eat or sleep properly feeling brokenhearted anxious and upset as I thought we had a better relationship and he trusted me and felt safe enough to tell me anything.
I look forward to hearing your response. Blessings of love and peace, Melissa”
And here was my first answer:
Melissa, Thank you for your letter, and I’d like to print it and answer it on my blog, if that’s okay – using a fake name, because this just gets me all in a lather.
I don’t know how to be gentle about this.
It doesn’t matter what a man says.
It doesn’t matter what you think is going on.
Seeing a man 2 times in 8 months is not a relationship. Not even close.
I so hope you were dating other men during that time, and not waiting around for him at all.
You are totally caught up in the “Imaginary Relationship” pit I talk about a lot…and on the blog, and through coaching, if you like, I can help you to do a better job of taking care of yourself and getting the love and relationship you want. Love, Rori
And Melissa wrote me back:
“Wow, that was a quick reply Rori thanks 
Just to add to the story further …I don’t blame him, I take full responsibility for creating this situation on some level more unconsciously though and yes I am a bit of a dreamer and thought I had let go of the fairytale syndrome.
Just to support Ron though, I know it is unacceptable behavior him not communicating with me at all, but I have a strong intuitive feeling I will hear back from him and because this is his first time on one level I feel I want to give him another chance if he has a genuine reason and genuinely wants to get back and try again, but the other part of me says NO , I need to let go and love him as a friend as he is unable to give me what I need right now in a relationship and probably not as ready as he thinks based on his lack of experience and maturity as much as he wants it and I think I also may not be as ready as I think I am and need to get some areas of my life in order and cleaned up ie. finances . I know one thing I probably should not be putting my life on hold, loving myself and taking care of me without a man has always been a bit of a difficult lesson and yet I have spent living on my own for most of 20 years of my life and no I was not dating any other men and it has been very hard not being with him more regulary as I am a very sensual person and love the physical contact and affection.
Don’t laugh but I have for the past 12 months been studying and partaking in many tantric sex workshops quite intensively and am intending to do the 9 month (1 weekend a month) facilitor course my mentor is running. She is an incredibly wise authentic loving and inspiring woman who I admire and have great respect for and her work in tantric sex is phenomenal…she very much focuses on the relationship we have with ourselves not just a partner and being in the NOW and being authentic in our expression of love and who we are. You think I would know better with everything I have learnt.
Its kind of weird like I have these blind spots and when I do shed light on them I can still be stuck in attempting to shift them, transform the old patterns and ways of being into more empowered, light, healthier, genuinely loving ways.
Hmmm, I hope that has not confused you me adding my thoughts around what is happening and expanding a bit more on where I am at. I look forward to hearing back and reading your book.
PS. not that it is an excuse for him but since 26th December he has been having to work 7 days a week and 2 or 3 very early shifts on top of that, so I feel he is overwhelmed with a lot of things right now, so I guess I am cutting him a bit of slack. He will drop the shift in February and go back to only working 3 or so days a week on about 21st January and then he goes back to his studies. Sounds like I am defending him doesn’t it, I just wanted to see how much he is going through at the moment and also my feeling is, and this could be a guess, he hadn’t told anyone my age yet, but I believe he told his friend and I am guessing that peer pressure or whatever got to him….I know it still doesn’t change anything, but I feel for him too….So am I totally mixed up? I am probably thinking too much about his feelings and not my own , right? Sorry to blurb this all out, it just feels better now that it is out. Thank you for listening Rori Raye, I want to be as successful as you in relationships especially with myself and that special someone for me. Blessings of peace and love, Melissa”
And here’s my answer (and I’m just getting tougher and tougher here):
Melissa – He doesn’t NEED an excuse. He has no responsibility to you whatsoever.
There is no relationship here.
He called, and then he stopped calling.
He’s not bad, or doing anything weird. He’s running his life the best he can.
All this craziness and focusing on him on your part is causing you untold grief, and is making your energy very needy and unattractive in an ethereal sense – which I believe he can feel, and so can every other man.
I applaud your taking of these classes and immersion in Tantra – and yet would ask you – isn’t it conveniently safe for you to explore this on your own (which is great, I totally insist that women who work with me do this work on their own too) and, at the same time – shut yourself off completely from actually relating with a real live man by insisting on being so attached to this one – who is NOT AVAILABLE – and never HAS been available to you?
Sorry to be so tough – but I have a feeling no one else has laid it out like this for you.
I say this knowing I will trigger you and cause you to feel very angry with me..and that’s okay…If we were coaching by phone…I might say something to you, when you say something like “I truly want to have a great relationship” – I might say “I don’t believe you.”
All the questions here are about you asking them to yourself.
I know you can do this…Let me know how this shake-up feels…Love, Rori
And Melissa wrote this back to me
“Hi Rori,
You are right it felt like a big slap in the face and a reality check….I wouldn’t say I felt angry at all , more like I want to cry…very sad and even sadder because I feel I know all of this and feel I am spiraling down in this hopeless trap of anxiety neediness and insecurity…I can watch myself doing it now and am frightened of my own fear…and know it is self-destructive to me and my relationships…and yet I have not found a way and no one has been able to help me find a way to get passed the fear and insecurity…it becomes so gripping and intense and just feels out of control and I feel very embarrassed and inadequate knowing it because more than anything I want to get passed it and heal it/transform, but it just seems to take over. Do you think you can still help me…I really hope so, more than anything….I feel so upset and am crying right now because I know I have killed a lot of my relationships like this….I am praying you can help and I do want to be happy and successful in relationships.
Thank you for your honesty, as much as it really hurt I respect and accept what you say and don’t have resistance to the truth…it just hurts but I am sure I will get over it….I guess I am looking for a solution her ultimately to overcome my fears in this area…..I really appreciate you listening and replying. Where do I go from here, I know first thing is start reading your book, but what would you suggest after that and do you think there is hope for someone like me.
Much love, Melissa”
And here’s my answer:
Melissa – first, BRAVA to you!!!!
You just took a massive, huge, amazing first step!
All the anxiety is because you’re closer now than ever, with the tumbling down of this fantasy construction, to touching your DEEPER feelings about yourself, your life, and encountering the trauma that started all this Trauma Response of choosing distance over intimacy.
This is GOOD!!! Now all you need is a bit of help dealing with the anxiety, so that you can slip BENEATH it – to the fear and terror and anger that are underneath. We’ll all help, and I can send you to great resources like my friend Virginia Feingold Clark at YourInnerGuide.com, who’s a terrific hypnotherapist and coach, and who’s been where you are now.
Especially learn here how to Circular Date – and just simply start FRESH by trying it out.
What we want here is to retrain your whole emotional system so you can get closer to a man, instead of automatically allowing your inner pressures to instinctively either push him away, or push yourself to invest in an unavailable one.
You can DO THIS!!! Love, Rori
****
Okay – now – if you, like me, have been through this before, or are going through it now – let my tough words to Melissa help you get past the fog your inner demons are creating to try to keep you safe…and drop into a reality YOU CAN MAKE UP for yourself!!! A reality that’s SO much better than the imaginary one you have going now.
Let’s talk about this more…I have so many personal stories of doing this kind of thing, and I know you do, too…let’s all help Melissa and each other to “drop-in” to feelings, no matter how frightful they are now – and let their power over us evaporate.
Let the mold of our old patterns dry out and dissolve and become harmless and blow away and disappear and leave us cleaner inside by showing it the light of day, of truth, of your total commitment to what you want and deserve!
Hats off to you!
Love, Rori
Here’s a comment from Robin that had me chuckling, because I remember how, in my actress days – I used to fall for this all the time. Only, reading this just now, I realize I wasn’t “falling for” anything….
The last thing in the world I want any woman to do is to WAIT for a man.
This comment, from “All I Need” is so classic, so what my Tools are all about fixing – FAST :
