Have The Relationship You Want

Here’s a question from Mary, and I don’t know anyone who hasn’t been contacted by an old love who’s now “suddenly free.” It’s hard to know what to do…you want to give it a chance, and yet you want to protect yourself. Mary works through this just brilliantly, and I’ll help, too:

“Rori, Hello. I’ve been reading the blog for a while, and I’d love, love, love! to hear some advice for my particular situation. I can’t figure out how to post the situation other than in the comment box, so please pardon me for a deviation from the topic.

I’m single and my very first love contacted me to say that his wife filed for divorce. He’s out looking at houses, so he can move out, and would love to see me, as he has some business in a city near me. I actually have a business conference booked there during the time he’ll be there (pure coincidence), and at first I told him I’d see him. (He offered dinner.) It didn’t sit well with me, though, because he’s still married and living with his wife. I emailed him and told him that I’d like him to make a decision first - either way! And to take his time. Then I’d love to catch up with him when the crises is over. If he stays with his wife, maybe next time they’re in town, I can show them around. If not, we’ll have that dinner.

This is a guy I have loved since we were kids. We call each other on our birthdays, just to say hi, and we talk for about two or three minutes, always very respectful of our home situations. I know that if he does get divorced, every woman will want him. But I also know that before he marries any of them, he’ll want to see me first. Just to know for sure.

So I feel confidant to wait. And another reason for waiting is that kids always add things up and dates are important to them. If we didn’t see each other until AFTER he moves out, then if it does work out, everyone is happy. That makes sense to me.

But I hesitate about seeing him, and it’s not too late to change my mind, because it’s like I’m supposing that I know his motives. I’m imagining that it would be a date if we had dinner. Maybe he’s not thinking that at all! Maybe he’d just like to see me to say hi, after all these years. Or maybe he just needs support because he’s going through a rough time. So it’s almost embarrassing to say that I’d rather wait, because I’m the one who is interested in him, and that makes it painfully obvious. Almost like telling him too much.

He is going to ask me again. The conference is two weeks away. What do you think of this scenario? I’d really welcome your answer, Rori and feedback from anyone else.”

Here’s my answer:

Mary, I LOVE your speech, your language, your thinking around this.

First off, his WIFE filed for divorce. So, you have no idea if he’s still into her and being dumped, or if he’s unhappy and finally created the divorce.

If you were able to see him as a “friend” - which is possibly all this is…or a “look see” for him now that he’s about to be single - then you’d be fine seeing him…your vibe would be “friend.” But by expressing that there’s more to it for you, and you don’t even wish to START with this “friends” business, but want to consider any meeting with him as a “date” - it’s all clear, on the table, and upfront.

Very, very good for you.

Now - you’re really going to have to go deep inside you and see what feels GOOD for you to do - pass on this, or show up with NO AGENDA other than to track yourself and make sure you feel good throughout the experience.

Here are some possible scenarios:

1. Generally, if you want a man, generally being physically in the same place is the only way to even start a possible connection. So one scenario would be - you see him, and he “gets” you right away (it’s the “dream” scenario) - and you’re on track to Happy Ever After with him.

I’ve actually seen this happen - with a client who met her now husband two weeks after his wife passed away from a long bout with cancer.  He just KNEW she was the one the moment he saw her.

But this man already KNOWS YOU. So there are more possibilities.

You have no way to know how it will go for him, but, because you know him and love him, you have lots of hopes, dreams and mental analysis around this - all of which work against you feeling “free and easy” around it.

2. If you chose NOT to see him, one scenario might be that he just goes on dreaming bigger and bigger about you (isn’t that the way it goes for all of us?) - until he’s ready to actually see and actually experience a woman, rather than be led by his desperation, loneliness, fear, anger or desire to explore his new freedom - and then you are, as you say here, starting from a much better place.

3. If you DO see him now - and after all his “imagining” of you and in his present state (whatever it is) he doesn’t have an instantaneous “you are the one” feeling for you, he’ll still have to go through his process, and you’ll possibly be left feeling weird about it all.

4. If you DO see him now - he could have a great moment where he DOES “get” that “you’re the one” - and then, back to Scenario #1 with Happy Ever After.

So - how do you decide? Analytically, it’s a total toss-up - there’s no way to KNOW what’s “best.”

There IS no best. No right or wrong, no strategy.

The only way you can go here is by following the way you YOU FEEL - and yet, we all know, you will be feeling different things at different times. And you may second guess yourself and change your mind a hundred times - because, again,  there simply IS no right or wrong here.

It’s important, then, for you to know, really KNOW, that whatever you do - it will not be the end of the world or the relationship, and if you can be curious and open, and practicing - you will be fine no matter what your decision.

If you can use the situation to practice your Tools, to satisfy your own curiosity, to experiment, engage and experience - to take a chance, to see how you FEEL when you’re in his presence - you’ll be fine no matter what happens, and your “vibe” will be lovely, and you’ll feel strong and powerful, and you’ll be able to see exactly what’s up with this man instead of “dreaming” about him yourself.

If you decide to see him, and you’re NOT feeling good about it, but you can’t put your finger on it exactly (you can’t tell whether you feel uncomfortable because of his stuff or because of your own stuff),  just don’t let yourself hang with him if you start to feel yourself being “used” in some way as a “stepping stone” for him to get over his wife and get out into the world.

Don’t pretend, don’t be “cool” if you don’t FEEL cool, and don’t make idle conversation or allow it to be superficial.

If you see him, use the experience to practice Feeling Messages, to look for the Message HE’S bringing you, and to feel how it is you feel.

Make the experience real for you, instead of Imaginary.

IF you do whatever you do for THESE reasons - for your own experience and growth and knowledge about yourself and the world (and then get up and call the evening short if it DOESN’T feel like a good experience) - you can’t EVER go wrong.

Let me know what you do, and how it went…and don’t stress too much about your decision. Just work at keeping yourself in the wonderful self-focused place you are in this comment (and “confusion” is a totally okay place to be, even sitting at the table with him…as long as you’re aware of feeling it and are willing to allow your feelings to move and morph and be acknowledged and shared by you…) - no matter what…

Love, Rori

Here’s a quick question-and-answer:

“Rori, I have read your “Have the Relationship You Want” book and it is ingrained in my thoughts when evaluating what to do to resolve issues with my relationship, however, I need help with this one…

I have a man who has some emotional issues that he’s told me and is having a tough time coping with all the stresses in his life at this time. I have leaned way back even withdrew for quite some time but it seems he is reaching out to me for some help emotionally and physically, we spoke about him moving in because he is going through some deep depression and despair. Some caused by me, some self induced through life situations.

Without going too much into detail, I believe I need to be a friend but not get too emotionally tied to into the result of me helping but I truly believe in this man and our relationship in the long term. I am not sure if leaning back and letting him step up is what will happen here since he has admittedly at a very weak time in his life and when I tried that he fell deeper into his own despair and seclusion.

I have faith in helping him and I will do it in a way that keeps my boundaries in place. Do I just stay back where there is little hope or do I help him but possibly overfunction. Thanks in advance, Shirley”

And here’s my answer:

Shirley –
Basically,  a man will never fall in love with a woman who “comes to his aid.”

A woman who “helps” is not seen as a romantic figure. He will stick with you until you see him through, and then dump you when he’s feeling better.

I’ve seen this over and over again.

You cannot be a man’s therapist – even if you’re married to him. He needs professional help, medication – Western or alternative, exercise – he has to help himself.

If all you want with him is friendship – I don’t think it’s a good use of your energy if what you’re looking for in life is a real partner…still – a friend is a witness. A person who doesn’t let another person go downhill by standing firm that they believe in the person sliding down. The person STILL has to do the work for him or herself.

It’s not possible to have any kind of “relationship” with a man in this situation. Please don’t try. Please Circular Date and fulfill your own life.

Okay, I know this sounds harsh.  And yet, this is what I’ve seen:

I’ve seen a “good woman” save her man. He was a Vietnam helicopter pilot veteran with serious emotional problems and drinking problems.  I knew him because I’d loved him before she met him…only I didn’t have the skills she had, and I didn’t love him as much as she did.

She didn’t save him by understanding and making excuses and letting him skate by on his charm and looks and sexiness and ignoring the rest — like all the other women before her, including me, had done.

She put her foot down!  She didn’t beg him or convince him or do those things that AA and Alanon KNOW don’t work with a person in trouble.  She just, when she realized how troubled he was…both loved him more than any woman ever had, respected him more than any woman had ever had, and had stronger boundaries than any other woman had ever had.

She cared more about him than he’d ever experienced - and yet she cared more about HERSELF than she did about him.

It was such a powerful combination, he cleaned up, got help and has been a stand-up, married man ever since.

The nightmares haven’t gone away…but his craziness and drinking have.  She still can’t follow him into his personal hell when it shows up for him, but she can be there when he’s ready to come out.  And.. she’s never just standing there waiting…he has to step out of his cave like any man and FIND her.

Even with this great story…this man, even with all his problems, was not in despair and depression and darkness most of the time.  He was highly functioning and happy much of the time.  He had ambitions and talent as an actor.  He never “crawled” to this great woman asking for help…he acted like a masculine-energy man who WANTED to be healthy, until she got close enough to see what was going on underneath the surface.

But Shirley’s man is not in that place.  He IS crawling toward her.  This is very, very different.  And yet, there’s always the possibility that he could finally get himself help and change his life, right in front of her eyes.

Only, like the “good” woman of my story…she has to love herself more than she loves him.  She has to RESPECT him enough to trust that he will get the help he needs.  she has to treat him the way she would any other man.

And Shirley, you have to SPEAK this to him.  You have to say…I care for you, I would love to be with you, and I’m not comfortable being your friend or helpmate.  I trust you and respect you to get the help you need, so that we can have a relationship that’s in a good place when you’re ready…”

Let me know if this helps you see men in a slightly different way.

Love, Rori