Have The Relationship You Want

Here’s a great letter from Ashley – and it’s something we’ve all faced:

Ashley’s Question:

“Rori, I realize that there are a million pppl out there especially if I am in the fashion and entertainment industry, but what to I do with this man if he calls me continuously, txt me, email me for work for personal to discuss about everything personal and professional at all hours of the day, but has told me he doesn’t want to be “seeing” each other?

How do I forget about him when even after work around the clock this man is still txting an calling me at all hours and always starting with a work issue More…

Here’s a great question from “confused”:

“Hi Rori. I have been living with my boyfriend for about 8 months. I am so in love with this man. He told me yesterday that he loves me, but is not in love with me. Do I stay with him? Or, do I owe it to myself to find someone who feels the same way about me?”

My Answer:

Confused – you owe yourself the decision to make choices that are at least aimed at making you happy.

How that will look is complex sometimes.

And this one depends a lot on how old you are, and what you want.

If what you want is to be passionately loved right now, and you don’t feel good being with a man who “says” he feels less for you than you feel for him – then More…

Here’s a great guest post from Dr. Sheri Meyers, my Monthly Interview for September – She’s all about how to prevent and deal with “cheating” – and she’s so hip to social media and how that makes things hard – you’re going to love this and want to read more from her:

There’s something a little “off” in the way your partner has been acting lately. You’re starting to wonder if they’re cheating on you.

There are some clues, but you’re not sure if they mean what you suspect they mean.

They’re spending less time at home, have become a sudden workaholic, are taking their phone calls in private or aren’t sharing as much about their day with you as they used to.

When you question them about why they’re being so secretive and distant, they snap back at you, usually with a logical explanation. “I’ve got a special project at work.”

Or they accuse you of snooping, being paranoid or not trusting enough. They make you feel guilty for even bringing it up.

When your partner is having a cyber, emotional or sexual affair, sometimes the most subtle clues can be big red flags that signal a destructive secret is hiding underneath the surface.

While it may be obvious from some of their behavior that they’re hiding something, some changes aren’t so obvious. Perhaps they give you an odd glance or there’s something cold in their eyes that doesn’t quite feel right to you. When you ask what’s wrong, you may get a shrug or a defensive, “Nothing! Get off my back already.”

You may start to wonder if you’re going crazy or just being paranoid for no reason.

Here’s what I know from my professional experience as a relationship therapist: If you’re suspecting that your partner may be hiding something, if a sinking feeling in your gut is telling you “something’s off,” then it’s absolutely time to pay attention. Your intuition is sounding an alarm.

Here’s a quick checklist of cheating red flags from my book, Chatting or Cheating: How to Detect Infidelity, Rebuild Love, and Affair-Proof Your Relationship that can help you determine if the subtle (or not-so-subtle) shifts in your partner’s behavior may be signs that they’re cheating:

Red Flag #1 They’re suddenly more aloof, withdrawn or want more “space.”
Overall, you’re noticing less intimacy, sharing, talking and self-disclosures going on. Your partner may seem zoned out, lost in thought or less available to you.

They talk in terms of “me” or “I” instead of “we” or “us,” as in “The next time I go on vacation, I want to go to Hawaii.” And when you lay your concerns on the table, your partner calls you jealous or says you’re imagining things. They might even say you’re “smothering them.”

Red Flag #2 They’ve lost interest in you, your problems and sex. When you bring up a problem, your partner tells you it’s no big deal or tells you that their problems are worse.

They’re not as emotionally supportive.

Even when they’re home, you feel a lonely void between you, like there’s no one with whom to share your thoughts or feelings.

There’s less affection and passion. When you suggest making time to connect you get back “Not now babe” or “Maybe later.”

Even if you are still having regular sex, it may seem like they’re performing a chore rather than making love.

Red Flag #3 They get easily annoyed, defensive or argumentative. When an affair (be it cyber, emotional or physical) has begun, the cheater may want to sugar-coat their guilt and justify the affair. Making you the bad guy helps them feel better.

That’s why a cheating partner may try to find ways to blame you for their indiscretions. They start fights, pick on you, push every button you’ve got and may even accuse you of cheating. Cheaters are good at transferring the guilt onto you — don’t buy into it.

Red Flag #4 They’re not immediately available when you call, text or email them. Your partner is spending more and more time away from you, and they’re more difficult to reach. When you try calling on their cell phone, you get voicemail.

When you ask why they didn’t call or text you back, the answer is, “The battery died and I couldn’t use my phone.” There are endless excuses about work or other things that limit their availability for making plans with you.

Red Flag #5 They’re spending more time online or on their cell phone than with you.

If the amount of time they’re spending talking to, texting, emailing or messaging someone else is strongly impacting your time together, there is a problem brewing.

Red Flag #6 They’re acting secretive all of a sudden, especially around the computer or cell phone. Your partner has Facebook, email and social media accounts that you don’t have access to.

When you ask about their online friendships, you get short, sharp, evasive or defensive responses back. Your partner receives regular texts, emails or sexy photos from a “friend” you weren’t aware of.

Suddenly, they’re conducting mysterious calls in the other room and when you ask who called, the answer is… “No one.” “Wrong number.” “It’s business.” or “Why do you ask?”

Red Flag #7 They look, smell, and dress better, but not necessarily around you. They’ve suddenly started working out. They might have a change of clothes in the car or in a sports bag that aren’t gym clothes.

Your partner may leave the house smelling like soap and come back smelling like perfume or cologne. They may be buying new clothes or lingerie, but not wearing them for you. Someone else may be reaping the benefits of your partner’s newfound interest in looking spiffy.

Let’s face it, any of these red flags are indicators of behaviors that are suspicious and should arouse your doubts. Even if your partner is not cheating, but is keeping secrets, withdrawing, lying, being hurtful or withholding important communication of any kind, it’s clearly time to heed the red flags, take your blinders off and press on to know the truth.

Ignoring the clues won’t help the situation because denial just harbors more deceit, mistrust and greater distance between you.

Cheating happens for a variety of reasons and it usually means there’s something missing in the relationship. When you both honestly address the underlying problems and relationship vulnerabilities that may have lead to cheating, healing can begin.

With truth comes the chance to improve the current condition of your relationship. I’ve counseled numerous couples who have transformed the discovery of an affair into an opportunity to wake up, clear up the wounds of the past and learn new lessons for the future. Love and connection can be resurrected and a healthier relationship rebuilt.

There is hope.
Sheri Meyers, Psy.D is a licensed Marriage & Family Therapist in Los Angeles, CA, and author of Chatting or Cheating: How to Detect Infidelity, Rebuild Love, and Affair-Proof Your Relationship.

Connect with Dr. Sheri Online:

Website
www.chattingorcheating.com

Here’s a letter about one of my favorite topics – how working with what triggers us can change our lives almost overnight…

I know everyone has their things to deal with. I know I am not alone. I know many people have dealt with many things 1000 times worse than me.

My family is probably my biggest issue. I feel exhausted, annoyed, irritated, judged, constricted around them. There is never just a nice visit with them. My mom picked me up from the airport the other day and was crabby that I didn’t have more to share with her about my trip.

Got to their house, ate dinner, my dad points to the scale on their kitchen counter. He said to me, “Go put the scale on the floor, press on, press 1 and stand on it.” This is a talking scale by the way…

So I was infuriated. I don’t know how many times I have told them I don’t want to discuss my weight, it makes me angry when people make More…

Here’s a letter from Susan, who’s in that age-old dilemma of what to do with a man who’s going downhill emotionally and physically – and won’t do anything about it!

We women are ALL so much smarter than men, so much more conscious, we can multi-task and solve problems with our boy energy in incredible ways – and it’s SO frustrating, exasperating, and sometimes soul-destroying to watch your man suffer (and bring his suffering into YOUR space and the relationship in general).

And yet – you have to do it the right way.  You can’t overfunction, or try to make it happen. It still has to be in Feeling Messages, and the firmness of what you “don’t want.”

Susan’s doing a great job with this – her letter is SO helpful:

“Rori -

I wrote you before. I have husband who is depressed, who seems to have some physical/vitamin deficiency thing going on (due to medications/giving blood) which is causing depression/tiredness. He drinks more than he should and it really seems to because of his depression. And he is a perfectionist.

Previously, I was using your tools and coming across as trying to change him and being very needy, but I stopped doing that. It was really tough for a while there, but I finally shifted. I was getting so fed up that I was ready to leave, and that really started me shifting. I started More…

Here’s one of the most spectacular success stories I’ve ever received, from Allison. I found her request for private coaching with me lost in my mailbox, months later. Here’s her original letter:

“Rori, I recently purchased “The Modern Siren” and oh boy has it rocked my world. I need and want your help but at this point I don’t have much faith that what I am involved with can be saved.

I am 35 years old and have been with my husband since I was 23. I did not have much experience with men when we met. He is 17 years older than I am and for the past 6 years of our marriage his sexual desire has become non existent. In the beginning, I was really confused. I tried losing weight, bought sexy clothes, tried talking it to death then ignoring it and leaving it alone. Eventually I began an affair. I felt so neglected and alone and had so many needs and urges that I could no longer go without human contact and interaction.

I had been laid off of a very good corporate job and decided to pursue real estate which had always been a goal and passion of mine. My first day at the new office I met who would soon become my lover. He was also older, handsome, aggressive, attentive, detail oriented and most importantly he was the pursuer. He pursued and I gave in.

Shortly there after he wanted me to leave my husband and move in with him and everything was moving so fast More…

Here’s a conversation with Nancy, a client who’s already gone from a total doormat to a totally toxic, mean, controlling man she’s lived with for a long time, to an emerging goddess who can stand her ground…see what’s happening in Nancy’s process:

“Dear Rori,

I’m managing to not go nuts over this one, because I’m not being faced with it head on. I have no idea what precipitated this tirade over chat…… but he’s blaming me for his crappy job, and his crappy life, and everything he has going wrong…

He’s told me he can’t take his job anymore, that he’s going to quit today. He blames me for the decision to take this job in the first place (I was More…

Here’s a letter from “Elena,” who’s enduring a relationship situation that’s actually quite common, though it seems extreme.

It’s about “waiting” for a man, holding “rules” about sex and relationship that aren’t working (in my thinking, at least) – and making a decision about a man who’s “on the fence” in so many ways…

“Rori, I have been in a relationship for 2 years that was heading towards marriage. I really didn’t love my guy first and he was the one chasing me. it took him a lot of work to get me. He treated me like a queen. I said that I don’t wanna sleep with him until we get married and he agreed. But lately, he started doubting his feelings for me and telling me that he doesn’t know if he loves me or he is just attracted to me physically.

He, later admitted that he slept with somebody and that he couldn’t help it. He begged me to forgive him and asked me to be his wife. After just 2 months, he started making comments about the way I dress and that he feels jealous when other guys stare at me as I wear tight clothes or shorts! We disputed about this issue and again he started showing reluctance towards marriage, saying that he is worried that we won’t get More…

I just got a letter from Elise basically saying about this about her husband…

“Rori, He didn’t pay attention to me…we argued…he said he wasn’t a good husband and I deserved better, then he slept in the other room…I hate him. I deserve better. I am just upset Rori…I feel my husband is so selfish…he’s so in love with his friends…. I’m depressed and confused and needy. Elise”

Okay- I know if I could talk with both Elise and her husband – that would be best – but since we only have Elise to work with…I’m going to talk directly to her:

Elise, you’re going to have to make a choice.

Either you’re going to mentally and emotionally stay with this marriage and work through this rough time in the most creative and great way possible – or you’re going to bail and divorce him.

There is no middle place here – pick one. More…

Here’s a letter from Tammy, who’s in an emotionally painful situation, and it’s slopped over into her relationship.

Is her boyfriend the problem?

“Rori
I’ve spoken to you one the phone, I’ve bought your programs but I’m in a panic.

I’ve been in a relationship for over two months and its been going well but in the middle of it my Dad has passed away, I’m feeling vulnerable and although my boyfriend is great I still feel a bit insecure.

Last night we drank lots of wine and ended up having a row over nothing. I went to bed and then went back downstairs to tall to him but he blanked me so I told him to get lost and go home!

When I awoke today he had gone and when we spoke he was very cold with me and said that if he was on the sofa and getting told to get out after More…