Have The Relationship You Want

Here’s a question from Mary, and I don’t know anyone who hasn’t been contacted by an old love who’s now “suddenly free.” It’s hard to know what to do…you want to give it a chance, and yet you want to protect yourself. Mary works through this just brilliantly, and I’ll help, too:

“Rori, Hello. I’ve been reading the blog for a while, and I’d love, love, love! to hear some advice for my particular situation. I can’t figure out how to post the situation other than in the comment box, so please pardon me for a deviation from the topic.

I’m single and my very first love contacted me to say that his wife filed for divorce. He’s out looking at houses, so he can move out, and would love to see me, as he has some business in a city near me. I actually have a business conference booked there during the time he’ll be there (pure coincidence), and at first I told him I’d see him. (He offered dinner.) It didn’t sit well with me, though, because he’s still married and living with his wife. I emailed him and told him that I’d like him to make a decision first – either way! And to take his time. Then I’d love to catch up with him when the crises is over. If he stays with his wife, maybe next time they’re in town, I can show them around. If not, we’ll have that dinner.

This is a guy I have loved since we were kids. We call each other on our birthdays, just to say hi, and we talk for about two or three minutes, always very respectful of our home situations. I know that if he does get divorced, every woman will want him. But I also know that before he marries any of them, he’ll want to see me first. Just to know for sure.

So I feel confidant to wait. And another reason for waiting is that kids always add things up and dates are important to them. If we didn’t see each other until AFTER he moves out, then if it does work out, everyone is happy. That makes sense to me.

But I hesitate about seeing him, and it’s not too late to change my mind, because it’s like I’m supposing that I know his motives. I’m imagining that it would be a date if we had dinner. Maybe he’s not thinking that at all! Maybe he’d just like to see me to say hi, after all these years. Or maybe he just needs support because he’s going through a rough time. So it’s almost embarrassing to say that I’d rather wait, because I’m the one who is interested in him, and that makes it painfully obvious. Almost like telling him too much.

He is going to ask me again. The conference is two weeks away. What do you think of this scenario? I’d really welcome your answer, Rori and feedback from anyone else.”

Here’s my answer:

Mary, I LOVE your speech, your language, your thinking around this.

First off, his WIFE filed for divorce. So, you have no idea if he’s still into her and being dumped, or if he’s unhappy and finally created the divorce.

If you were able to see him as a “friend” – which is possibly all this is…or a “look see” for him now that he’s about to be single – then you’d be fine seeing him…your vibe would be “friend.” But by expressing that there’s more to it for you, and you don’t even wish to START with this “friends” business, but want to consider any meeting with him as a “date” – it’s all clear, on the table, and upfront.

Very, very good for you.

Now – you’re really going to have to go deep inside you and see what feels GOOD for you to do – pass on this, or show up with NO AGENDA other than to track yourself and make sure you feel good throughout the experience.

Here are some possible scenarios:

1. Generally, if you want a man, generally being physically in the same place is the only way to even start a possible connection. So one scenario would be – you see him, and he “gets” you right away (it’s the “dream” scenario) – and you’re on track to Happy Ever After with him.

I’ve actually seen this happen – with a client who met her now husband two weeks after his wife passed away from a long bout with cancer.  He just KNEW she was the one the moment he saw her.

But this man already KNOWS YOU. So there are more possibilities.

You have no way to know how it will go for him, but, because you know him and love him, you have lots of hopes, dreams and mental analysis around this – all of which work against you feeling “free and easy” around it.

2. If you chose NOT to see him, one scenario might be that he just goes on dreaming bigger and bigger about you (isn’t that the way it goes for all of us?) – until he’s ready to actually see and actually experience a woman, rather than be led by his desperation, loneliness, fear, anger or desire to explore his new freedom – and then you are, as you say here, starting from a much better place.

3. If you DO see him now – and after all his “imagining” of you and in his present state (whatever it is) he doesn’t have an instantaneous “you are the one” feeling for you, he’ll still have to go through his process, and you’ll possibly be left feeling weird about it all.

4. If you DO see him now – he could have a great moment where he DOES “get” that “you’re the one” – and then, back to Scenario #1 with Happy Ever After.

So – how do you decide? Analytically, it’s a total toss-up – there’s no way to KNOW what’s “best.”

There IS no best. No right or wrong, no strategy.

The only way you can go here is by following the way you YOU FEEL – and yet, we all know, you will be feeling different things at different times. And you may second guess yourself and change your mind a hundred times – because, again,  there simply IS no right or wrong here.

It’s important, then, for you to know, really KNOW, that whatever you do – it will not be the end of the world or the relationship, and if you can be curious and open, and practicing – you will be fine no matter what your decision.

If you can use the situation to practice your Tools, to satisfy your own curiosity, to experiment, engage and experience – to take a chance, to see how you FEEL when you’re in his presence – you’ll be fine no matter what happens, and your “vibe” will be lovely, and you’ll feel strong and powerful, and you’ll be able to see exactly what’s up with this man instead of “dreaming” about him yourself.

If you decide to see him, and you’re NOT feeling good about it, but you can’t put your finger on it exactly (you can’t tell whether you feel uncomfortable because of his stuff or because of your own stuff),  just don’t let yourself hang with him if you start to feel yourself being “used” in some way as a “stepping stone” for him to get over his wife and get out into the world.

Don’t pretend, don’t be “cool” if you don’t FEEL cool, and don’t make idle conversation or allow it to be superficial.

If you see him, use the experience to practice Feeling Messages, to look for the Message HE’S bringing you, and to feel how it is you feel.

Make the experience real for you, instead of Imaginary.

IF you do whatever you do for THESE reasons – for your own experience and growth and knowledge about yourself and the world (and then get up and call the evening short if it DOESN’T feel like a good experience) – you can’t EVER go wrong.

Let me know what you do, and how it went…and don’t stress too much about your decision. Just work at keeping yourself in the wonderful self-focused place you are in this comment (and “confusion” is a totally okay place to be, even sitting at the table with him…as long as you’re aware of feeling it and are willing to allow your feelings to move and morph and be acknowledged and shared by you…) – no matter what…

Love, Rori

Here’s a quick question-and-answer:

“Rori, I have read your “Have the Relationship You Want” book and it is ingrained in my thoughts when evaluating what to do to resolve issues with my relationship, however, I need help with this one…

I have a man who has some emotional issues that he’s told me and is having a tough time coping with all the stresses in his life at this time. I have leaned way back even withdrew for quite some time but it seems he is reaching out to me for some help emotionally and physically, we spoke about him moving in because he is going through some deep depression and despair. Some caused by me, some self induced through life situations.

Without going too much into detail, I believe I need to be a friend but not get too emotionally tied to into the result of me helping but I truly believe in this man and our relationship in the long term. I am not sure if leaning back and letting him step up is what will happen here since he has admittedly at a very weak time in his life and when I tried that he fell deeper into his own despair and seclusion.

I have faith in helping him and I will do it in a way that keeps my boundaries in place. Do I just stay back where there is little hope or do I help him but possibly overfunction. Thanks in advance, Shirley”

And here’s my answer:

Shirley –
Basically,  a man will never fall in love with a woman who “comes to his aid.”

A woman who “helps” is not seen as a romantic figure. He will stick with you until you see him through, and then dump you when he’s feeling better.

I’ve seen this over and over again.

You cannot be a man’s therapist – even if you’re married to him. He needs professional help, medication – Western or alternative, exercise – he has to help himself.

If all you want with him is friendship – I don’t think it’s a good use of your energy if what you’re looking for in life is a real partner…still – a friend is a witness. A person who doesn’t let another person go downhill by standing firm that they believe in the person sliding down. The person STILL has to do the work for him or herself.

It’s not possible to have any kind of “relationship” with a man in this situation. Please don’t try. Please Circular Date and fulfill your own life.

Okay, I know this sounds harsh.  And yet, this is what I’ve seen:

I’ve seen a “good woman” save her man. He was a Vietnam helicopter pilot veteran with serious emotional problems and drinking problems.  I knew him because I’d loved him before she met him…only I didn’t have the skills she had, and I didn’t love him as much as she did.

She didn’t save him by understanding and making excuses and letting him skate by on his charm and looks and sexiness and ignoring the rest — like all the other women before her, including me, had done.

She put her foot down!  She didn’t beg him or convince him or do those things that AA and Alanon KNOW don’t work with a person in trouble.  She just, when she realized how troubled he was…both loved him more than any woman ever had, respected him more than any woman had ever had, and had stronger boundaries than any other woman had ever had.

She cared more about him than he’d ever experienced – and yet she cared more about HERSELF than she did about him.

It was such a powerful combination, he cleaned up, got help and has been a stand-up, married man ever since.

The nightmares haven’t gone away…but his craziness and drinking have.  She still can’t follow him into his personal hell when it shows up for him, but she can be there when he’s ready to come out.  And.. she’s never just standing there waiting…he has to step out of his cave like any man and FIND her.

Even with this great story…this man, even with all his problems, was not in despair and depression and darkness most of the time.  He was highly functioning and happy much of the time.  He had ambitions and talent as an actor.  He never “crawled” to this great woman asking for help…he acted like a masculine-energy man who WANTED to be healthy, until she got close enough to see what was going on underneath the surface.

But Shirley’s man is not in that place.  He IS crawling toward her.  This is very, very different.  And yet, there’s always the possibility that he could finally get himself help and change his life, right in front of her eyes.

Only, like the “good” woman of my story…she has to love herself more than she loves him.  She has to RESPECT him enough to trust that he will get the help he needs.  she has to treat him the way she would any other man.

And Shirley, you have to SPEAK this to him.  You have to say…I care for you, I would love to be with you, and I’m not comfortable being your friend or helpmate.  I trust you and respect you to get the help you need, so that we can have a relationship that’s in a good place when you’re ready…”

Let me know if this helps you see men in a slightly different way.

Love, Rori

I love letters with what you and I might call “extreme” situations — where we all gasp and swear we’d never let that happen to us — but we KNOW, deep down, that it COULD happen to us, that we have, and may still be, tolerating things we don’t like and playing “small” when we are, in fact, HUGE goddesses — all of us.

Let’s see how we can use this to help you:

“Dear Rori,
.
I wanted to share with you the wall I’m up against.

Brief intro:

17 years of Bliss, 3 children, were very happy, we moved and all went pear shaped.

He broke up over email and its been texting and emailing and fighting for 3 years. He comes back, he leaves. He spends more time with us than away.

Recently he has said he loves me and ‘ maybe’ wants to come back. He wants total freedom to come and go as he pleases. Me to ask no questions, For starters we stay in separate houses, and take it slow, he can still flirt and go out with other woman, and if I get upset the that goes against me and him getting back together.

He doesn’t want a jealous wife. I am not to question his behavior or where he goes, if I have a complaint I should tell a girlfriend not him. that will go against me. Over the next few weeks, he will judge me and my behavior and attitude toward him as to whether he thinks he wants to come back to me and his kids…

So I will be on trial – and I will be judged on behavior, attitude. etc. There is no problem with physical attraction, for my age and 3 kids I look great…

He will be flirty and being smutty on facebook etc with other woman and if I complain that will go against me.

Here’s the great bit, If I use – I feel, I felt, I am feeling with him .. that will go against me. If I try to play him with all the junk he says he reads on these web sites. .. so he’s across all of this..

How do I deal with this. i am not good at playing games, and he’s onto all these methods…

What do I do ? No Bliss”

***Here’s my answer:

Basically, No Bliss – What are you DOING???? (This is going to be tough love – don’t read if you don’t want to hear it.)

If you think that by allowing yourself to “be on trial” and wait for him — you’ll get him back, you are dead wrong.

The only way you have a chance of getting this marriage back (and I can’t imagine why you’d WANT to now –there are all kinds of great men out there who’d want you 3 kids and all…) is to put your wedding ring on your right hand, and START DATING. Break up with him. Tell him this is a separation, and so that you will be dating also. Period. If you can’t do this, then, please, get some therapy to help your self-esteem –and get my Targeting Mr. Right program – it will help you date without all the weirdness attached…

AGREE with him. Tell him that you don’t want the marriage at this point while you’re both discovering what it is you really want (this is not a game – this is TRUE for YOU, if you’ll let yourself see this…).

Good luck! You can DO THIS!!!

***Okay, now let’s see how we can use this…

For most of this letter, it sounds like No Bliss is joking, doesn’t it? Like she sees the humor in his ridiculous demands and behavior, and is almost about to wipe her hands of him…but then…you know she’s not joking at all. No Bliss is really caught up in all this.

And it’s so easy for us to say “ewwww” – but after 17 years and 3 kids and “bliss” — any one of us would feel invested and, well, caught up.

And this brings me to the hard question: “What do you do when things change? Unexpectedly. Suddenly. Seemingly without warning. What do you do when your man goes berserk all of a sudden?”

And my answer is: Unless there’s instantaneous dementia from a physical accident or a drug reaction — there’s no such thing as “all of a sudden.” There’s no such thing as a surprise that’s this huge. No way.

This kind of thing has to be growing. Gathering steam. It could be underground, where you don’t want to look. It could be right in front of your face, where you still don’t want to look.

You could be feeling your reaction to it, and not know what that reaction’s about. This is where we women can get “tunnel vision” and just look at everything and everywhere except at the exact spot where everything’s going wrong.

So much is subconscious – where we can’t see it –so let’s say we go into a temporary state of being where we’re not aware of what’s going on around us.

So — let’s say that when we get “unaware,” it’s not our fault.  BUT — if we don’t choose to LEARN from that unaware experience — then we embark on the non-stop beating up of ourselves that I FORBID you to do!

So, along with everything else we’re going to do here, I want you to EMBRACE and LOVE even your passing unaware moments. Let’s just say that the unaware moments describe not seeing what’s right in front of us just because it’s hard to see.

Now…The man just up and walks, he runs around, he blames you, he puts you in a cage of behavior with one THREAT: He will get mad, and then he will walk even FURTHER away.

And this threat is the one that decks every single one of us.

Even if we don’t want a man anymore, the moment he threatens to GO – we want him back.

It’s like LOSING is worse than being unhappy.

Well – sometimes losing is “loosing” — just opening our iron grip and letting a man do whatever he wants to do.

Because I can tell you this — if a man doesn’t want to be with you –he’s nothing to you. Period. He’s a drain on your energy, your spirit, your heart, your health, and “loosing” a man like that is the only thing that will serve you.

(Also — it’s the only way to invite him to come and get you. (After he cleans up his act, of course –because who would want a dreadful man in the state that this one is in?)

Waiting around for a man who is acting like a single man, jerking you around and daring you to “start something” is hardly worth even a moment to “contemplate.”

The answer is NO.  No, I don’t care if you get mad. No, I don’t care what you think.  No, I no longer care what you do.

The only thing you have here to say YES to is shared parenthood.  That means you stay civil, you stay calm, you refrain from arguing.  You work only for the good of your children.

You consider yourself separated, tell him so, and go about building a new life for yourself.  Should he ever regain his senses and want to come back (and the fastest ticket to that is to forget about him and get a great new life), then you’l think about it.

This letter riled me up, and No Bliss, I hope I was able to give you a bit of a push to discover your own sense of being “done” with this man for now, except as the father of your children.

And while you’re creating this new, fabulous life (right NOW, please) – you will be working with my Tools to undo whatever your part is in this.  Even if the only thing you can put your finger on is “unawareness.”

You will be discovering how you got here, and how you can have something blissful again – even if it’s not with this same man.

Love, Rori

If you’ve ever wondered why you’re finding yourself anywhere you don’t want to be…let’s talk about it.

Why do we cause ourselves so much pain?

There is a reason we’re attracted to and attract men who are not good for us — from simply “not into us” or “just not right for us,” all the way to abusive, mean, neglectful and disinterested.

The reason is in a pattern that got started long ago.

One day, at “crossroads” moment of our lives, we made an internal choice to “frame” what “reality” is. We made an internal choice about what “love” was — what it meant to us, what it looked like, what it was supposed to feel like. We made up “rights and wrongs” and “rules” around that choice, and learned to fit everything that came along for us into those rules. We created a belief in that “reality” we set up.

And all this was happening “underground.”

It wasn’t a “conscious” choice – we weren’t aware of it, and we fought against it and resisted it and suffered with it whenever it showed up. This underground belief became the foundation of our experience. It led us from one experience to another, where each one felt kind of the same, and had the same tinge of “pain” around it.

The way this all happened, the reason this underground, foundational belief became a pattern in our lives, is because at that moment when it all started, we truly WERE in a helpless situation. We were powerless.

We may have been very young, or overpowered physically by an accident or a person. It may have happened over and over again, or it may have been a one-time experience. And it created a full, complete picture for us of what life is and what LOVE is.

Because POWER is a huge theme here — the quality of our entire lives has a HUGE effect on the power we feel in relationships.

In other words, you may be struggling through horrible relationship after horrible relationship — and then, once you get your career together, and are doing work you love, and start loving yourself and feeling good about you — your dream man just shows up and it’s easy sailing from there.

For now, though, let’s just talk about love.

To many of us – Love is simply “pain.” Without discomfort and pain and misery, it doesn’t feel like Love. Without having to WORK hard at it — it doesn’t feel like love.

Because this is usually so far beneath our waking “consciousness” – because on a conscious level we would never KNOWINGLY choose a “bad” man for ourselves, we’d never knowingly make ourselves unhappy — we WRAP a man or an experience like this we’re involved in in a pretty package of some kind.

We make up excuses, we paint the whole thing in a way that LOOKS — if only to us — good. Or at least okay. Or, if necessary, we say it’s fate, or chemistry, or that we’re in an impossible situation beyond our powers to change.

At bottom, what we’re actually doing is USING a man – just going out and flat-out HIRING him – to HURT us. We don’t know we’re doing it, because we BELIEVE this is RIGHT for us. We believe this is all we can have, we EXPERIENCE it as love and almost ignore the pain.

Some of us ignore small things, some of us ignore major things. And it’s so easy to judge another woman who’s allowing major unhappiness, even though we are doing the same thing ourselves – just on a smaller level. And, in my experience — the WORSE things are for you, the FASTER and more amazingly you can experience a total turnaround in your life with just tiny, baby-steps.

That’s why you ALWAYS have HOPE!!!

The worst Overfunctioners (like I was) turn their relationships around the fastest when they stick to my 4 Rules.

Learning how to use Feeling Messages completely turns around the entire LIFE of a woman who is always in her brain, and pushing men away by trying to control them.

And stepping away from a painful MOMENT — even just one MOMENT — can change your life if, deep in your subconscious, you believe that love, to you, is supposed to feel like pain.

Here’s a comment on this blog from Sarah, who’s in an extreme, painful situation:

“Rori, I am in a terrible place right now. I am in love with a toxic man, and don’t know what to do about it. He has a fetish, and it rules his life. I do this for him all the time, but it is still not enough. I found out he is now meeting other women in secret to do his fetish and lying to me about it, saying he is working late. Now, he takes care of himself during this, so there is no sex going on, but the fact that he is meeting these women is killing me. He is just really selfish.

I do love him, but am incredibly betrayed and hurt, as he promised me he would never see anyone else. We are not married, but we do live together. We’ve been together 15 months. A lot of times we are together, he is nice and sweet, but then sometimes he is not. I don’t know how to tell him I know about this, because I found out by looking at his email. I am afraid to confront him, but I know it needs to be done, as I can’t live like this anymore; I am always jealous and paranoid. I want him to change and not do this anymore so we can be happy, but I don’t think its possible. I am afraid to leave. Thanks, Sarah”

Sarah, Welcome, and thank you for your heartfelt comment.

I wish I could be with you in person, take you by the shoulders, shake you, hug you, and help you get a sense of yourself. You are lost in a sea of toxicity – this one man is just the “agent” you “hired” to hit you over the head and inject you with poison.

It’s YOU poisoning yourself…and we have to work really hard here to get you some self-respect and self-love, and I know you are in the right place with all these fantastic women. (I’m always very tough with this at first…so you can SEE what’s going on, because your tolerance for punishment is so high, I have to really go heavy-handed here, so sorry, but it’s the only way I’ve experienced that works — “tough love.”)

You must dump this man, now, forever, and do not look back. Period.

Now, it’s easy for me, a friend, a family member, a counselor to tell you that…but I want you to listen here.

The fetish isn’t the problem. Everyone’s got something going on, it’s a matter of the basics of relationship – loyalty, attraction, feeling good.

You CANNOT be IN LOVE with a man who lies to you. You BELIEVE you are – but you’re wrong.

You’re ADDICTED to him. You are like a junkie — and not just for love, but for punishment.

I know you must have a seriously painful childhood behind you, with lying, abuse, distrust, pain…and THIS is what we must address. You are staying with this man to KEEP yourself from dealing with what’s really underneath, and as you peel back the layers of how you’ve been protecting yourself from inner pain by heaping MORE pain on yourself…things will get clearer.

Please read EVERYTHING on this blog, in my newsletters, and anywhere you can find about increasing your self-esteem. Start here with the Power & Self Esteem category. Self-love is your work right now.

This man is NOTHING.

He is NOTHING to you.

I’m telling you the truth…please consider what life would be like if you believed what I’ve written here.

What I want for you is HOPE – but a different kind…not hope for this relationship, this man, but for your LIFE.

You are in a position now in which you must stand tall and RESCUE your own life.

***Now – for all who are in much smaller versions of this pattern (and we ALL have this going on about all kinds of things – our work, our daily life, our health, our love lives – no matter how small…):

Take a moment to ask yourself  What if everything I believe about love is completely made up — and I made it up — and I can unmake what I made up and make up something new?

This whole blog, and all my work is about making up something new.  Something that feels good.

As we make new things up, and take baby steps AS IF those things we just made up were REAL — that’s when magic happens.

This post has a lot of themes, ideas, and Tools…I’ll put them in step-by-step form in the next posts…Love, Rori