Have The Relationship You Want

Here’s a situation – a VERY common situation, where a man is consistently defensive and on the attack in order to feel okay with himself. The cure is in my Toxic Men program, and I’ll touch on it here.

It’s about unearthing the anger in you, in him, in the relationship – and getting it out in the open in a NON-DRAMATIC way – so that it can be healed – and USED to bring you closer to each other.

Otherwise, the anger goes underground and does so much damage there that things are seemingly beyond repair – but it IS repairable. The key is in YOU.

SOMEONE has to start a new kind of communication, a new kind of attitude and approach, a new way of expressing all kinds of feelings – both verbally and physically – that actually CREATE INTIMACY, instead of driving it away.

To do this – you need more strength on the inside – more trust in yourself to state clearer, more consistent Boundaries – and a willingness to be completely vulnerable on the outside.

You have to trust yourself that you will not just BE there, vulnerable and open, when things don’t feel good – when there is even “modest” defensiveness and verbal abuse (I was with a man for a long time who was master of verbal abuse and manipulation – he was funny and charming, and so everyone always laughed, and I stood there wondering what was wrong with me…).

You have to know how to always stay open, and yet always feel strong enough to walk away. At any moment. That’s Power….

Here are 2 symptoms that anger is underground and running things:

1. Judgment and Criticism - you always feel as though everything you do is being “watched’ and “scrutinized” and “judged.”

Every time you do anything, he’s ready with a roll of his eyes, a snide comment – about what you did, about what you didn’t do, about his own needs that somehow it’s your fault aren’t being met (like where things are). Sometimes it’s about simple choices you make – or how you look or what you’re wearing. Sometimes it’s loud, sometimes it’s muttered, sometimes it’s done with a joke (so it’s even harder for you to pin down). It’s constant and never-ending. You feel like a child being berated.

This is about a lot of things, but it can simply be the most “controlled” way a man can express his anger (often his anger at himself – it might have nothing to do with you). He judges you constantly because he’s such a harsh judge of himself. His guilt about his irritation and anger leaves him this “mild” way to express anger – telling you what you’re doing wrong.

(By the way – we do this too…)

2. Withdrawing

He’s drifting away emotionally, spending less time with you, there’s less sex, less affection.

Almost all my programs deal with this and how to stop it and bring him close again – and here – let’s just look at the hidden anger component: He’s angry, he doesn’t know how to deal with it, and so he withdraws. It’s easier.

When you talk with him and try to be “understanding” and get at what the problem is – he just feels angrier, and withdraws more.

The obvious expression of anger is arguments, fighting, verbal and physical attacks – but I don’t want to deal with that here because this is about HIDDEN anger – where all you’re experiencing is the tip of the iceberg, and you’re living in fear of that iceberg surfacing.

And here’s a small step to the solution: Unearth the anger iceberg by YOU changing YOUR reactions.

Now – this is not a lifestyle – you don’t want to be with a man who is constantly berating you or withdrawing from you where you have to be the one always “changing” – this is an experiment, a test, a learning experience – and the goal is to unearth the anger and learn to TOLERATE the experience of it.

Once you can get through surface stuff and into the rage that lies underneath – without all the arguing and fighting and nastiness that only uncovers a tiny part of the iceberg and actually DAMAGES a relationship – you’ll start to feel things loosen up and more affection, attention and love start to fill the space between you.

Instead of running away, or making an excuse for yourself or DEFENDING yourself – you want to:

1. Notice what’s going on with you.

Are you being run by fear? Do you want to run away? Do you want to hit him? Are you going numb? Are you determined to do whatever you have to to make peace and get his approval?

2. Speak the DEEPEST feeling you can find inside yourself.

That could be “I feel scared.” “I feel so angry.” “I feel turned off.”

When he questions you, just keep doing what you’re doing, saying your deepest feeling. If you have to put it in context, say “When I heard (you can repeat what he said here, or paraphrase it…just enough to let him know what you’re referring to…) – “I feel so tense…it felt awful…it feels scary..I felt like running…I feel like running…This doesn’t feel good to me…”

3. Stand your ground.

Don’t apologize for yourself, explain anything – and do not blame him, either.

Look him straight in the eye, as best you can. Lean back. You are not attacking, you are expressing.

What can you expect with doing it this way? All kinds of stuff will come up for you…

You’ll feel shaky, you’ll feel upset – and you’ll feel ANGRIER than you’ve ever felt! And what’s more…as YOU feel more comfortable with YOUR anger – so will he.

He’ll start to let you “have it.” He’ll start to let his anger out. And you have to be strong enough to hear anger and experience the ENERGY of anger – AS LONG AS IT’S NOT DIRECTED AT YOU!!

This means – the moment he turns it on YOU – you say “I’m happy to hear your feelings, even your anger, but I don’t want to feel attacked…” and if he doesn’t change his words and copy what you’re doing (expressing his feelings instead of blaming YOU)…then you must TURN AROUND AND WALK AWAY…!

When this happens, and emotions start to  surface,  I know it’s tough – but, actually – it’s fabulous!!! You are starting to communicate in a way that is triggering YOURSELF and your stuffed up and old feelings.

Now – all we have to do is get a routine down for how to handle your emotions when they bubble up…The more you tell him the truth, in feeling messages, the more you will feel that you don’t WANT to feel – otherwise you would have done this a long time ago.

Believe it or not – this is amazing PROGRESS. And – ALWAYS – the first emotion that shows up is ANGER.

Accept that you are enraged – and just keep processing it and sharing it. This is going to feel weird for a bit – so it’s really important you have a way to relax – to meditate – to regroup and ground yourself. Stuff you love that you can focus on and feel better quickly.

If he’s a man who NEEDS to put YOU down in order to feel okay – he won’t let up right away.  He’s going to up the ante, and keep at you to try to get a “rise” out of you so that you’ll go back to the old, crummy defense patterns you used to be stuck.

He may start to panic, and so he’ll do the only thing he knows – attacking you. You’re going to have to acknowledge how awful that feels right away – instead of stuffing down and answering him reasonably.

Later on – you’ll get a sense of humor about it – and he’ll stop doing this very soon…when you start feeling more powerful.

Defending yourself with anger or cleverness will not help you here – it will just make him work harder to top you.

As you express your anger simply, and let him know it doesn’t feel good, that you feel attacked, that you feel afraid of him and what he’ll say to you, and that it’s making you feel turned off…all this will change….You are only at the BEGINNING of this…be patient, take baby steps.

Love, Rori

This is a jump off from Susan’s comment about placating her depressed man and wanting to undo all that->

Here’s what’s going on:

We placate a depressed man because we’re afraid.  It’s a coping mechanism we’ve learned and used our whole lives to keep our trauma reactions at bay.

We’re afraid for a lot of reasons.

Depression isn’t a feeling. It’s a COVER for feelings.

If you’re prone to depression, it’s like a heavy lid over the soup of your feelings, making you numb, listless, sad-seeming.  The “soup” keeps steaming out, and it’s usually icky feelings that come up – grief, pain…actually comforting feelings we’re used to.

if you’re prone to anxiety (my lid looks like this) – then you feel jumpy and fearful when the soup of your feelings is in tumult and strong feelings are trying to come up to the surface.

When you’re with a man who’s depressed or anxious, and you consciously step back and simply focus on your own life, on being happy, on doing for yourself, on loving yourself – it feels weird and awful – because…

1. You’re afraid if you don’t do the placating, usual behaviors you do around him – his lid will pop and all his icky, horrible, scary feelings will come flying out at you – AND this is true!  They will!  And…

2. You’re afraid that his feelings flying out at you will be completely terrifying for you, and so your own lid on your own soup pot gets shaky with anxiety (fear) and your own feelings start to bubble up. And…

3. As you actually DO the things you don’t normally do – stepping back, smiling, not asking questions, not sitting down with him, not “doing” for him – you are actually REMOVING the lid – the cover from your soup pot – and FEELINGS underneath the anxiety actually come to the surface.

You start feeling things you don’t LIKE to feel.  You feel fear, and helplessness, and old pain, and old anger, and new anger…everything you’ve been safely stuffing down by placating him.

This is all new, and all scary, and just downright weird.

It doesn’t feel “nice.”  It’s not what you were taught to do.

And here’s how doing this ANYWAY – little by little (and don’t expect yourself to rip that lid off your soup in one try – please be gentle with yourself – you have to feel your way through this) will slowly begin to change your life in fundamental and hugely powerful ways:

Just KNOWING to expect all this upheaval will help you.  Just expect that when you step back you will feel weird. And then do it anyway.

Smile, even though he’s moping.  Leave the house, even though he looks lonely.

And when you start to feel stronger, and learn how to use feeling messages and can go several “rounds” with a man in deep, connected conversation while staying in “Dance Position,” being in Strong Surrender and feeling strong inside…then…

Talk with him.

Sit down, do a “negotiation” like in my ebook – where you share your feelings about being in his presence when he’s depressed – your urge to help – your willingness to research cures for depression and let him know what you’ve found – what he’d like you to do about helping him – and that it feels bad to be around him when he’s down.

Now here’s the really powerful part:

The bottom line of depression is anger.  A depressed person is sitting on tons of rage.  And we sense this on a deep level – and so it’s actually frightening to be around a depressed person.

People usually would so much rather be around a depressed person than an angry person – for so many obvious and subconscious reasons – and so we almost automatically feed the depression rather than being able to facilitate the anger.

When a depressed man starts to get angry – that’s good.  It’s our job to let that happen, and move away from it if we need to – but not try to “reason” with it or “talk it down.”

Now – you can see that this feels like a minefield to most of us.  I mean, who would knowingly be willing to unearth and be present for rage in someone else?  We’d get triggered!

And yet – as you’ll find out – when that anger surfaces, all of a sudden the tension goes away.  The juice in the relationship comes back.  He comes back to life.

This doesn’t happen overnight – and your process of hearing and experiencing all that anger coming out instead of sitting safely beneath the surface is monumental and crucial for you – because YOU are sitting on rage, too!

That’s the thing.  When he’s stuffing it – you feel it more.  Then you stuff it, and he feels it more.

When you both slowly stop stuffing and start expressing (for him it will look more like a scary vent – for you – well – you know how to “Fall To Your Knees” – to “Sink Into Feelings” and use “Feeling Messages” so it will look and feel like a glorious, charismatic reclaiming of yourself and a vast feeling of personal power and self-esteem) – everything will change for the better.

And – if he’s not capable of change – you’ll know, and you’ll also know what to do.

In the meantime – expect messiness. Expect “ugliness” – and embrace it as BEAUTIFUL.  Expect “bouncing” in your feelings, and just ride with it.  Hang onto your feeling messages, stay with yourself and on your beautiful Horse, and just keep going toward the life you want.  It starts inside you – with the courage to experiment, retrack if you need to, and just keep going.

Let me know if this tidbit of understanding makes you feel braver.

Love, Rori

I got a comment from Clara a few days ago, and I wanted to do more for her -  Clara is seriously obsessed and addicted to a man who is no good for her, who’s been in and out of her life for years and years, and even though she’s only 42 and married, she cannot free herself from thinking about this man for very long. You can read Clara’s comments here ->

I have many friends who are therapists and practitioners and who specialize in different issues important to us all.  Linda Landon, among many of her specialties, works to help people recover from all kinds of addictions.  I’ll ask her to guest post here with special help for Clara and any of you who are suffering from similar toxic situations – meanwhile, I received this lovely newsletter from Linda – here’s a photo of her so you can feel her talking to you -  and I wanted to share it with Clara and see if it helps you, too:

Recover Your Joy

“As I painted the good, the bad, and the ugly, everything – even the most dreadful and unacceptable – became beautiful in its expression. By the fifth day I had arrived at what my teacher, Michele Cassou, calls Point Zero, and what was pouring out of me was joy.

In the world of recovery we talk about what we’re recovering from – alcoholism, drug abuse, compulsive shopping, and so on. How often do we talk about what we want to recover back? Through coaching, clients in recovery can reclaim their innate capacity to be wise, insightful, creative, playful, and free: They can recover back their joy.

Recovery is a multi-layered process that may include therapy, counseling, sponsorship, and working a Twelve Step program. When the client is ready, recovery coaching can open up their capacity to identify what really matters to them in the present, so they can shape a future infused with these values. As a recovery coach, I guide clients to unearth and move through their stuck places so they can access their own Point Zero. From there, they can set goals and take actions to shape a life that has purpose and meaning.

Experience has shown me that if we do not create from this essential place, we cannot truly realize our goals. We may set goals and take actions that look right on the outside, or we may pursue goals that others have set for us, but ultimately we will find it difficult to follow through and bring them into reality – unless we go within and ensure they are connected to our values.

A client came to me six months into her recovery from drug addiction. In the beginning she did some exercises to discover core values that had been hidden beneath her addiction. Then I asked her, “If you really lived by these values, and dared to dream, what would your life look like?” She envisioned a beautiful home in a peaceful setting and an infant in her arms. Now, two years later, she lives in that home and is about to have a baby.

Another one of my clients is a business professional who runs a small company. When he arrives for our session, he’s often agitated and distressed. For him, coaching is an opportunity to access his Point Zero, and ground himself. Sometimes all he needs is a five minute guided meditation. As he follows his breath, he returns to the present moment and quiets the chatter in his mind. Then, often without any further guidance, he is able to intuitively solve the problems that were overwhelming him at the beginning of the session.

Sometimes I offer clients this exercise to help them tap into their inner source:

Place on a flat surface an 8 ½ x 11 piece of white paper and hold in one hand a colored pencil or crayon. Close your eyes, be with your breath, and begin to sense the weight of the pencil in your hands. Now allow your eyes to open and place the pencil on the paper. Stay present with your breathing as you begin to move your hand.

Let the pencil guide you, notice the mind wanting to make something, and keep moving. Follow the flow, feel the pencil, and sense the texture of paper for several minutes. Do your best to not judge your creation. Your job is to be with the experience, not the result. Now stop, take a couple of breaths, and be with whatever it is you created. Put your name and date on it, and set it aside. Then notice how this process affects the rest of your day.

Coaching is a courageous act. It supports us to tap into a reservoir of possibility and potential that is so much bigger than who we have thought ourselves to be. To face and shift who we think we are is not always comfortable – and it can bring us great joy.

Linda

***I’ve known Linda for a long while. She’s a great coach, teacher and professional speaker. If you’d like to contact her about her recovery work or the Point Zero painting class, and read more of Linda’s articles go to www.LindaLandon.com

And Clara, and any of you who feel addicted to a man who’s no good for you, and who are suffering from abuse and torment from the past, let me know how you’re doing with my Tools, and how else I can help you…

Love, Rori

Here’s a letter from Lena, who’s struggling with confusion and feeling trapped:

“Rori, I feel my relationship is hanging on only because of my kids. My partner says he loves me but His actions aren’t showing that. To get to the point I am extremely insecure – I compare myself to every woman we see/come into contact with, I am ruining the little friendships I have because I am soo jealous every time my partners around other women. We don’t have any couple friends.

When we are out he looks at other women and for a long time, he can not even look me in the eye, every time I talk to him he quickly looks away.

We have been together for 4 and a bit years and have 2 small children. I am carry a lot of weight and do not feel good about myself. Every time I try and talk to him about anything to do with us he just walks away or we have a fight about nothing, he thinks I am a pyscho and I am starting to believe him.

Other couples have normal happy relationships, I do not know how to be happy anymore. Life’s passing me by and I do not know how to crawl out of this rutt.I am so scared of my partner falling in love with someone else that I am pushing him away. We don’t talk about anything but his work, we do not go out.everthing at the moment is tense and I need for things to get better because my son is at the age where he is learning from us.

And I love him. He is my first relationship and I am not his – his ex is my brother’s good friend and still around. I keep running things that have happened and I think he had feelings for her when we were together and I cannot get the feeling of being second choice and that he still loves her out of my head. He gets angry every time I bring it up. Well, I could go on for hours, I sound like a raving Lunatic. Lena”

Here’s my answer:

Lena, I know YOU know that the work we have to do is NOT in your relationship – but inside YOU – and that what you need to do here to save yourself AND your relationship is to USE the relationship to heal YOURSELF.

Okay – if that sounds complicated – I want to break it down into the steps that are leading you downhill:

1. You’re not treating yourself well.  You’re carrying “weight” and falling into jealousy and obsession and insecurity, and you’re focusing on HIM.You are, in a crucial way – looking to HIM to solve your inner problems of security and self-love, and we alll know that just won’t work for you.

2.  When your man sees you not treating yourself well, he feels UNSAFE with you.  In other words, he can’t believe, deep inside himself, that you could possibly love and accept HIM if you don’t love and accept YOU.  It brings out his worst qualities – his anger, his guilt, his “it’s-all-about-me” qualities.

3. When he behaves badly, because of how he’s reacting to you not treating yourself well and focusing on him – he hurts you.  Ignores you, withdraws, is mean and indifferent.

4. When you feel hurt – you go down even more – get more angry, more jealous, more obsessed with solving the problem of the RELATIONSHIP.

5.And then it all starts again.

6. This is how relationships get so damaged over time – the ruts we dig of this cycle I’ve just laid out get deeper and deeper and deeper.

To solve the problem, you have to UNWIND IT!

So these are some steps to start HEALING the relationship – by USING the relationship to heal YOURSELF!

1. STOP THE CYCLE – When he triggers you by hurting you – ignoring you, being mean – instead of going into the same cycle of being angry, defensive, and then beating yourself up more and adding more weight to your body, STOP YOURSELF.

Step back. Check out your body and what’s going on inside it, instead of just following the same thought patterns you’re comfortable with and always go to. Leave the room and start working on yourself by taking the focus OFF of HIM.

In other words – you’ve now just USED a moment in the relationship to help yourself.  You’ve allowed him to Trigger you and Upset you – and instead of reacting as you usually do – you’re going to CHANGE the pattern. Now…

2. This is where you use my Tools – start with the Power & Self Esteem Series here on the blog – Here’s the first post-> and get my book and all the programs you can. THIS is where you do the work.

Let me know how it works for you, Love, Rori