Have The Relationship You Want

I got a comment from Clara a few days ago, and I wanted to do more for her -  Clara is seriously obsessed and addicted to a man who is no good for her, who’s been in and out of her life for years and years, and even though she’s only 42 and married, she cannot free herself from thinking about this man for very long. You can read Clara’s comments here ->

I have many friends who are therapists and practitioners and who specialize in different issues important to us all.  Linda Landon, among many of her specialties, works to help people recover from all kinds of addictions.  I’ll ask her to guest post here with special help for Clara and any of you who are suffering from similar toxic situations – meanwhile, I received this lovely newsletter from Linda – here’s a photo of her so you can feel her talking to you -  and I wanted to share it with Clara and see if it helps you, too:

Recover Your Joy

“As I painted the good, the bad, and the ugly, everything – even the most dreadful and unacceptable – became beautiful in its expression. By the fifth day I had arrived at what my teacher, Michele Cassou, calls Point Zero, and what was pouring out of me was joy.

In the world of recovery we talk about what we’re recovering from – alcoholism, drug abuse, compulsive shopping, and so on. How often do we talk about what we want to recover back? Through coaching, clients in recovery can reclaim their innate capacity to be wise, insightful, creative, playful, and free: They can recover back their joy.

Recovery is a multi-layered process that may include therapy, counseling, sponsorship, and working a Twelve Step program. When the client is ready, recovery coaching can open up their capacity to identify what really matters to them in the present, so they can shape a future infused with these values. As a recovery coach, I guide clients to unearth and move through their stuck places so they can access their own Point Zero. From there, they can set goals and take actions to shape a life that has purpose and meaning.

Experience has shown me that if we do not create from this essential place, we cannot truly realize our goals. We may set goals and take actions that look right on the outside, or we may pursue goals that others have set for us, but ultimately we will find it difficult to follow through and bring them into reality – unless we go within and ensure they are connected to our values.

A client came to me six months into her recovery from drug addiction. In the beginning she did some exercises to discover core values that had been hidden beneath her addiction. Then I asked her, “If you really lived by these values, and dared to dream, what would your life look like?” She envisioned a beautiful home in a peaceful setting and an infant in her arms. Now, two years later, she lives in that home and is about to have a baby.

Another one of my clients is a business professional who runs a small company. When he arrives for our session, he’s often agitated and distressed. For him, coaching is an opportunity to access his Point Zero, and ground himself. Sometimes all he needs is a five minute guided meditation. As he follows his breath, he returns to the present moment and quiets the chatter in his mind. Then, often without any further guidance, he is able to intuitively solve the problems that were overwhelming him at the beginning of the session.

Sometimes I offer clients this exercise to help them tap into their inner source:

Place on a flat surface an 8 ½ x 11 piece of white paper and hold in one hand a colored pencil or crayon. Close your eyes, be with your breath, and begin to sense the weight of the pencil in your hands. Now allow your eyes to open and place the pencil on the paper. Stay present with your breathing as you begin to move your hand.

Let the pencil guide you, notice the mind wanting to make something, and keep moving. Follow the flow, feel the pencil, and sense the texture of paper for several minutes. Do your best to not judge your creation. Your job is to be with the experience, not the result. Now stop, take a couple of breaths, and be with whatever it is you created. Put your name and date on it, and set it aside. Then notice how this process affects the rest of your day.

Coaching is a courageous act. It supports us to tap into a reservoir of possibility and potential that is so much bigger than who we have thought ourselves to be. To face and shift who we think we are is not always comfortable – and it can bring us great joy.

Linda

***I’ve known Linda for a long while. She’s a great coach, teacher and professional speaker. If you’d like to contact her about her recovery work or the Point Zero painting class, and read more of Linda’s articles go to www.LindaLandon.com

And Clara, and any of you who feel addicted to a man who’s no good for you, and who are suffering from abuse and torment from the past, let me know how you’re doing with my Tools, and how else I can help you…

Love, Rori

Here’s a letter from Lena, who’s struggling with confusion and feeling trapped:

“Rori, I feel my relationship is hanging on only because of my kids. My partner says he loves me but His actions aren’t showing that. To get to the point I am extremely insecure – I compare myself to every woman we see/come into contact with, I am ruining the little friendships I have because I am soo jealous every time my partners around other women. We don’t have any couple friends.

When we are out he looks at other women and for a long time, he can not even look me in the eye, every time I talk to him he quickly looks away.

We have been together for 4 and a bit years and have 2 small children. I am carry a lot of weight and do not feel good about myself. Every time I try and talk to him about anything to do with us he just walks away or we have a fight about nothing, he thinks I am a pyscho and I am starting to believe him.

Other couples have normal happy relationships, I do not know how to be happy anymore. Life’s passing me by and I do not know how to crawl out of this rutt.I am so scared of my partner falling in love with someone else that I am pushing him away. We don’t talk about anything but his work, we do not go out.everthing at the moment is tense and I need for things to get better because my son is at the age where he is learning from us.

And I love him. He is my first relationship and I am not his – his ex is my brother’s good friend and still around. I keep running things that have happened and I think he had feelings for her when we were together and I cannot get the feeling of being second choice and that he still loves her out of my head. He gets angry every time I bring it up. Well, I could go on for hours, I sound like a raving Lunatic. Lena”

Here’s my answer:

Lena, I know YOU know that the work we have to do is NOT in your relationship – but inside YOU – and that what you need to do here to save yourself AND your relationship is to USE the relationship to heal YOURSELF.

Okay – if that sounds complicated – I want to break it down into the steps that are leading you downhill:

1. You’re not treating yourself well.  You’re carrying “weight” and falling into jealousy and obsession and insecurity, and you’re focusing on HIM.You are, in a crucial way – looking to HIM to solve your inner problems of security and self-love, and we alll know that just won’t work for you.

2.  When your man sees you not treating yourself well, he feels UNSAFE with you.  In other words, he can’t believe, deep inside himself, that you could possibly love and accept HIM if you don’t love and accept YOU.  It brings out his worst qualities – his anger, his guilt, his “it’s-all-about-me” qualities.

3. When he behaves badly, because of how he’s reacting to you not treating yourself well and focusing on him – he hurts you.  Ignores you, withdraws, is mean and indifferent.

4. When you feel hurt – you go down even more – get more angry, more jealous, more obsessed with solving the problem of the RELATIONSHIP.

5.And then it all starts again.

6. This is how relationships get so damaged over time – the ruts we dig of this cycle I’ve just laid out get deeper and deeper and deeper.

To solve the problem, you have to UNWIND IT!

So these are some steps to start HEALING the relationship – by USING the relationship to heal YOURSELF!

1. STOP THE CYCLE – When he triggers you by hurting you – ignoring you, being mean – instead of going into the same cycle of being angry, defensive, and then beating yourself up more and adding more weight to your body, STOP YOURSELF.

Step back. Check out your body and what’s going on inside it, instead of just following the same thought patterns you’re comfortable with and always go to. Leave the room and start working on yourself by taking the focus OFF of HIM.

In other words – you’ve now just USED a moment in the relationship to help yourself.  You’ve allowed him to Trigger you and Upset you – and instead of reacting as you usually do – you’re going to CHANGE the pattern. Now…

2. This is where you use my Tools – start with the Power & Self Esteem Series here on the blog – Here’s the first post-> and get my book and all the programs you can. THIS is where you do the work.

Let me know how it works for you, Love, Rori

Here’s a problem from Emma I’d like to put out for your wonderful comments.  I’ll let Emma speak for herself:

“Dear Rori, I have been going out with my boyfriend for 3 months, but we really get on well. A few weeks ago, he asked me to marry him. That weekend, we had sex without protection, as we both want children soon, and we were on our way to getting married, after all.

At the end of the weekend, we collected my daughter, who’s 8, beautiful and well-behaved, to spend Sunday night at his place before going home in the morning. He was a bit quiet during the evening, and later admitted that he was having difficulty dealing with the prospect of sharing his house with someone else’s child. She had already stayed at his place several times, and they get on very well.

Now, I’m pregnant, and he says his 1st preference would be for me to have an abortion so we can continue our relationship and re-consider whether we want to marry, but that if I really don’t want an abortion, we can move in together and get married as previously planned, that he’ll honor his responsibilities. However, I can see that he doesn’t want this. He’s very wealthy and 42. I’m less wealthy but I have a career and no financial problems. I’m 36. I really wanted his baby, but don’t want to trap him. I don’t want an abortion.

I love him, but I’m hurt by his view on this. I don’t want to make things worse. We talked about this nearly all weekend, and he said he was tired of talking about it as he’d already given me the options (one of which was to live with him and he honor his promise). I want to do this, but only if he’s sure, as I don’t want him feeling under duress. What do I say to him? Emma”

Here’s my answer to Emma, and then I’d like to open this discussion up to you for comments:

Emma – I don’t want to tell you what to do, but here’s my take:

You can’t make him love you more than he does. You can’t make him want to live with you more than he does.You can’t make him want to marry you more than he does. You can only do that by inspiring him to want all this for HIMSELF – and it has to be HIS idea. (My Siren program is all about creating this deep kind of attraction…)

At 3 months, you are at the very crossroads of when a relationship has a chance to turn real, and so the timing is confusing for him, and that’s why he’s getting cold feet. (Did you see the movie “Sex And The City” where Big gets cold feet?  And we STILL liked his character – because he wasn’t a bad person – just terrified and weak?)

Emma – by talking about what you should do – endlessly, although he’s already made his offer of marriage – and hinging YOUR actions on HIS feelings – you’re just making everything worse and pushing his feelings even further away.

You’re in a pickle.  I hear that you’re hurt, but I don’t hear you talking about this child except how it relates to HIM.

Here are the priorities as I see them:

Your BABY is the first priority – not him, and not the relationship.

And then – you must focus on YOURSELF, and not on him or the relationship.

And here are your 3 options:

1. Abortion.

If you have the abortion, the relationship is over – PERIOD.  

If you have the abortion and then try to continue the relationship, you will be badly disappointed and doubly hurt.  There will be anger, guilt, resentment – feelings you will both have that you will not be able to overcome.

So, when considering this option – If you have the abortion, and then the relationship is over – how will you FEEL?

Will you be glad you chose not to have another child and be a single mother of TWO?

Or will you forever after wish you’d gone ahead?

This is not an easy decision, and my heart goes out to you for having to make it.

2. Accept his offer to live together and possibly marry (remember ANYTHING can happen).

If you accept his offer (and I commend him for making it and sticking to it) there’s a chance you can make this work -

IF you devote yourself to YOU and the BABY and your DAUGHTER, and to sharing love with this man and enjoying being with him and having fun and laughing and great sex (yes – even pregnant), and do NOT keep worrying and talking about how HE feels, whether or not you’ve “trapped him,” and spend all your energy trying to make him happier about the situation than he actually feels – it may just be wonderful.

You CAN inspire him to be happier and enjoy you and the baby and your daughter just by being happy yourself.

3. And there’s a 3rd option that you don’t mention:Keeping the baby and just continuing to DATE this man

You are extremely fortunate in being able to have this child on your own. Yes – on your own. You can continue to date this man, give him the time and space to possibly develop feelings that would make him actually wish to marry you and be a family with you, and just see if that happens without ANY expectations while you are creating a family on your own.  He will be required to help support your child, and I’m sure he will do that.

AND he may come to want you – all THREE of you – in a stronger way than you can imagine – once he sees you managing just fine but still CHOOSING to LOVE him.

A model for this (I know it’s fantasy and a movie, but I find these things helpful) is the movie “Knocked Up.”  In it, the male character makes a HUGE change in who he is, how he sees himself, how he thinks of his life, and what he DOES because of what he WANTS.

And the female character is, though willing to be with him and develop a relationship with him, would rather be a single mother than marry unhappily.

It’s her attitude of self-reliance and self-love that inspires him to change. She does NOTHING to ask him to change – she only says what she DOESN’T want, and that’s enough.

And there you have it.

I’m not sure what I’d do.  You must try on all these options in your imagination and see which feels most right for you.  I can guarantee you, though, that trying to TURN THIS into what you want in an emotional sense will NOT WORK.  You have to inspire him to come to WANTING this, emotionally, on his own.

Please, everyone in this community, weigh in on what Emma should do…

Emma – my love and good wishes – and I KNOW that you’re going to make the right decision here and have a very happy life…Rori