Have The Relationship You Want

I’m laying in bed with a cold/flu for company. My husband is out of town, my mother is doing without me today, my card and gift sit on my dining room table, my daughter will see me later with food rescue, and I wonder how I can Circular Date from here!

It brings back memories of my single days. When I used to get sick a lot. Flu. Tired. Yeast. Low-grade fever.

This was my way of saying “no.”

My own mother felt “stronger” than me (I’ll put it that way) when I was a girl, and the only way I knew how to be whoever I was instead of the extension of her I felt I was – the only way to get attention and have an excuse More…

I got this letter from Allana Pratt yesterday and loved it so much, I wanted you to see it.

OK. I’m dating this new man. I was feeling very crunchy, pissed off by his lack of being impeccably present, grounded or thinking positively. Grrrrr….

I was going through my normal reasoning of why this one won’t work either. I was NOT doing my feminine practices, not feeling my feelings, not telling the truth with kindness and honesty… I was pushing him away and being a bitch, CONVINCED it was him.

Then, bless him, he suggested we go for a vigorous hike to get the juices flowing, energy moving. I could feel the anger in me welling up, all prickly from the inside out, wanting to SCREAM!

We got back to my place and began to talk. I could feel under the anger was a huge welling up of tears and I took a breath and decided to show him my fears. I told him to please only say More…

I wanted to write this as sort of a companion piece to my “Love and Memory” post – it’s a small exercise to use along with other of my Tools that work differently – so if it seems contradictory to other Tools, it’s not….it’s just a different angle.  I’m all about seeing what works for YOU – and different things will work at different times.

The idea is to experiment – so let me know how this affects you…and be sure to Riff and Channel no matter what:

So many of us are held prisoner by memories stored deep in our subconscious minds. My wonderful friend Virginia Feingold Clark is an extraordinary hypnotherapist who’s been featured on Forbes.com, and who I deeply trust with my own subconscious.

Virginia told me that because the subconscious has no awareness of time, when we are reliving an experience in our mind, it’s as if it’s happening to us right now — body chemistry reactions and all.

She taught me one way (there are many) to get free from the tyranny of a painful memory: We simply replay it in our mind and change the outcome!

This is a technique that is especially powerful with hypnosis, but you can also do it on your own. The key is to relax deeply so you can access your deeper mind.

Here’s how Virginia says it would work, for example,  with the memory of a heartbreak:

1.  Sit or lie down with your eyes closed for about 20 minutes, then take yourself back to the memory and replay it — make it a vivid movie in your mind.

2. Go through it from the very beginning and change the action, the dialogue, the feelings – see and experience yourself handling the situation in a way that makes you feel good now.

What will happen is that by taking back the control you felt you lost, you’ll no longer identify yourself with being a victim.

You’ll feel freer – with much more confidence and a new ability to make decisions from a place of greater personal power.

I love this Tool – it gives going back and thinking about these old things an actual purpose (just make sure to not revisit it over and over, use my other Tools to walk yourself through the Tunnel, to Channel, and to stop the Train of Obsession if you feel like you’re on it)…and I love Virginia.

I get her to work with all my clients to take the edge off of anxiety, and make better so many other things, and you can see her on my Commitment Blueprint Program talking about her experience with her own marriage, and how “It’s Never Too Late To Marry.” You can find Virginia at www.yourinnerguide.com.

Here’s a comment from Linda – (I just love dancing with my girl and boy energies – I used to struggle, and now I find it fun to make these choices to fall into “being” …and this comment is a great jumping off place…) – Linda says:

“I struggle with my “boy energy”. I have a man I want to show up on his door step… the results imaginary.  BUT…have come to the decision that I dont want a relationship that I have manipulated at all. I do want the one that he would initiate if that ever happens, that is what I want. For whatever reason, he is not able, willing, ready, or any combination of who knows what to be available for a relationship with me. That is too much thought into him and his stuff. Keeping my focus on me and what I feel is what I need to keep in from getting de-railed again. That is not productive energy.

If a man is not in front of you he is not real…. it sounds silly but it is true. It helps me when I get lost in thought wishing, hoping, dreaming… pining away for something that is not real only in my head.

Go back and read the post a few ago on the difference between girl and boy energy. It helped me discern what I was wrestling with. Doing, telling ,teaching directing is “boy” . For a take charge , keep things in order, and ducks in a row kinda woman that I am it is such a struggle to stop that and just “be”…

I hope it helps, please go read the post on the girl and boy energy. It was very helpful to me. If that man you were with wants to be your friend… in the words of Rori… Get your energy out of there…. it is hard but it can be done. Linda”

Thank you, Linda, for your lovely insights, and here’s my jump-off…

Linda, and all…I dance daily, sometimes hourly or minutely or even in bits of seconds, with my boy/girl energy.

It never stops, when you are a woman who likes being in charge and is good at it.

And that is me, just as it is with you and so many of us here.

What does happen, though, is you start to become more comfortable in girl energy, in being vulnerable, and you find throughout the day that you have many, many moments that are crossroads.  You have the choice to make — to go down the “take charge” route, or to give that up and go down the “feeling” route.

Once you start experiencing what happens when you’re just “being” – and it feels SO much better almost all of the time…your tension and stress just disappear in the experience – you just start letting go of the need to be in charge, and it just becomes easier to dance.  It becomes more fluid.  You fight yourself less.   You think about it less.

It’s like being in a bathtub or shower and deciding to enjoy the warm water instead of thinking about your day, or wondering how long the hot water will hold out.  Even that’s a skill you have to practice…and that’s what the Tools are for.

We skim the surface of life because that’s what we’re taught.

As you start to sink into the feelings – even the pain – instead of fighting them…you’ll see…it get’s easier to choose being over doing, and then…you have more energy for doing when it’s the choice you want to make!

Love, Rori