Have The Relationship You Want

Here’s a question from Mary, and I don’t know anyone who hasn’t been contacted by an old love who’s now “suddenly free.” It’s hard to know what to do…you want to give it a chance, and yet you want to protect yourself. Mary works through this just brilliantly, and I’ll help, too:

“Rori, Hello. I’ve been reading the blog for a while, and I’d love, love, love! to hear some advice for my particular situation. I can’t figure out how to post the situation other than in the comment box, so please pardon me for a deviation from the topic.

I’m single and my very first love contacted me to say that his wife filed for divorce. He’s out looking at houses, so he can move out, and would love to see me, as he has some business in a city near me. I actually have a business conference booked there during the time he’ll be there (pure coincidence), and at first I told him I’d see him. (He offered dinner.) It didn’t sit well with me, though, because he’s still married and living with his wife. I emailed him and told him that I’d like him to make a decision first - either way! And to take his time. Then I’d love to catch up with him when the crises is over. If he stays with his wife, maybe next time they’re in town, I can show them around. If not, we’ll have that dinner.

This is a guy I have loved since we were kids. We call each other on our birthdays, just to say hi, and we talk for about two or three minutes, always very respectful of our home situations. I know that if he does get divorced, every woman will want him. But I also know that before he marries any of them, he’ll want to see me first. Just to know for sure.

So I feel confidant to wait. And another reason for waiting is that kids always add things up and dates are important to them. If we didn’t see each other until AFTER he moves out, then if it does work out, everyone is happy. That makes sense to me.

But I hesitate about seeing him, and it’s not too late to change my mind, because it’s like I’m supposing that I know his motives. I’m imagining that it would be a date if we had dinner. Maybe he’s not thinking that at all! Maybe he’d just like to see me to say hi, after all these years. Or maybe he just needs support because he’s going through a rough time. So it’s almost embarrassing to say that I’d rather wait, because I’m the one who is interested in him, and that makes it painfully obvious. Almost like telling him too much.

He is going to ask me again. The conference is two weeks away. What do you think of this scenario? I’d really welcome your answer, Rori and feedback from anyone else.”

Here’s my answer:

Mary, I LOVE your speech, your language, your thinking around this.

First off, his WIFE filed for divorce. So, you have no idea if he’s still into her and being dumped, or if he’s unhappy and finally created the divorce.

If you were able to see him as a “friend” - which is possibly all this is…or a “look see” for him now that he’s about to be single - then you’d be fine seeing him…your vibe would be “friend.” But by expressing that there’s more to it for you, and you don’t even wish to START with this “friends” business, but want to consider any meeting with him as a “date” - it’s all clear, on the table, and upfront.

Very, very good for you.

Now - you’re really going to have to go deep inside you and see what feels GOOD for you to do - pass on this, or show up with NO AGENDA other than to track yourself and make sure you feel good throughout the experience.

Here are some possible scenarios:

1. Generally, if you want a man, generally being physically in the same place is the only way to even start a possible connection. So one scenario would be - you see him, and he “gets” you right away (it’s the “dream” scenario) - and you’re on track to Happy Ever After with him.

I’ve actually seen this happen - with a client who met her now husband two weeks after his wife passed away from a long bout with cancer.  He just KNEW she was the one the moment he saw her.

But this man already KNOWS YOU. So there are more possibilities.

You have no way to know how it will go for him, but, because you know him and love him, you have lots of hopes, dreams and mental analysis around this - all of which work against you feeling “free and easy” around it.

2. If you chose NOT to see him, one scenario might be that he just goes on dreaming bigger and bigger about you (isn’t that the way it goes for all of us?) - until he’s ready to actually see and actually experience a woman, rather than be led by his desperation, loneliness, fear, anger or desire to explore his new freedom - and then you are, as you say here, starting from a much better place.

3. If you DO see him now - and after all his “imagining” of you and in his present state (whatever it is) he doesn’t have an instantaneous “you are the one” feeling for you, he’ll still have to go through his process, and you’ll possibly be left feeling weird about it all.

4. If you DO see him now - he could have a great moment where he DOES “get” that “you’re the one” - and then, back to Scenario #1 with Happy Ever After.

So - how do you decide? Analytically, it’s a total toss-up - there’s no way to KNOW what’s “best.”

There IS no best. No right or wrong, no strategy.

The only way you can go here is by following the way you YOU FEEL - and yet, we all know, you will be feeling different things at different times. And you may second guess yourself and change your mind a hundred times - because, again,  there simply IS no right or wrong here.

It’s important, then, for you to know, really KNOW, that whatever you do - it will not be the end of the world or the relationship, and if you can be curious and open, and practicing - you will be fine no matter what your decision.

If you can use the situation to practice your Tools, to satisfy your own curiosity, to experiment, engage and experience - to take a chance, to see how you FEEL when you’re in his presence - you’ll be fine no matter what happens, and your “vibe” will be lovely, and you’ll feel strong and powerful, and you’ll be able to see exactly what’s up with this man instead of “dreaming” about him yourself.

If you decide to see him, and you’re NOT feeling good about it, but you can’t put your finger on it exactly (you can’t tell whether you feel uncomfortable because of his stuff or because of your own stuff),  just don’t let yourself hang with him if you start to feel yourself being “used” in some way as a “stepping stone” for him to get over his wife and get out into the world.

Don’t pretend, don’t be “cool” if you don’t FEEL cool, and don’t make idle conversation or allow it to be superficial.

If you see him, use the experience to practice Feeling Messages, to look for the Message HE’S bringing you, and to feel how it is you feel.

Make the experience real for you, instead of Imaginary.

IF you do whatever you do for THESE reasons - for your own experience and growth and knowledge about yourself and the world (and then get up and call the evening short if it DOESN’T feel like a good experience) - you can’t EVER go wrong.

Let me know what you do, and how it went…and don’t stress too much about your decision. Just work at keeping yourself in the wonderful self-focused place you are in this comment (and “confusion” is a totally okay place to be, even sitting at the table with him…as long as you’re aware of feeling it and are willing to allow your feelings to move and morph and be acknowledged and shared by you…) - no matter what…

Love, Rori

How can you move forward in your life without “letting go” of him?  And still “dump him” and “stop contact”?

This is a jump off of the last post, inspired by the comments. Here are two that sparked me:

Erika said:
“…sometimes if I ignore a guy, I actually end up thinking about him MORE. It feels all unresolved.”

Then JasonSavage said:
“I advocate resolve through actively ignoring him and simple acts of symbolic detachment.”

And Daria, too, talks about really loving having men around her and feeling good about it.

The thing here is this - J, in the letter that started the original post, does NOT feel good with the “ex” who’s contacting her at this moment.  The idea of friendship is NOT clear and easy and about …friends.  It’s all clouded and complex and involves all kinds of triggers.  And this was not a Circular Dating relationship - this was BEFORE J figured out how to Circular Date - this was an exclusive relationship with sex.  And she still feels attached and emotional - as would almost ALL of us.

I often agree with Jason on most of this -  and though it’s a very harsh view coming from me, but you can see from Jason how a man sees ANY response we make to a man — no matter what we say, if we respond, the “friendship” is “on.”

What I’m going to add to this conversation is about what Erika calls “resolve.”  This is the same as what I call “closure” - and you know I don’t believe in closure.

This is the shocking, provoking part of what I say around this kind of thing:

Don’t even TRY to IMAGINE closure.  Forget closure.  Forget resolution.  Forget tying things up in a nice bundle, all knots untied, everything smoothed out.

This is just not part of having a real, PASSIONATE life.

Needing closure is something we women have absolutely been trained for.

We are perfectionist in many ways, managing things - so much of it comes from our genes - the need to cook, watch the fire, listen for the baby, and ward off intruders all at the same time.

This need for closure is, I believe - at the bottom of all our womanly stress.

So, I also say, forget about the whole concept of “letting go.”  It’s just not a viable image.

For me - (and I have a bunch of posts on this…most with horses in the pictures…) the idea is to keep moving down your own road, stick on your path, stay with your horse, keep moving, expanding, breathing, going deeper and deeper into your feelings and your life, becoming more and more passionate about life itself - and just not allowing ANYTHING to distract you.  Not allowing anything to “capture” you and throw you off balance and off course.

You can take a memory of a man with you down your road.  You can dream about him when you sleep.  You can take from what you had with him that makes you feel good and helps you understand yourself, that helps you riff and process and expand.

To do this - you DON’T NEED HIM TO BE AROUND IN REAL LIFE.

I’m going to say that again.  Once a man has outlived his usefulness in his concrete, human form - once his presence makes you go backwards and into your head and out of your body and feeling not good about yourself - you don’t want him around.  Period.  You’re done.  He’s history.

But that doesn’t mean he’s left the planet, or left your psyche.

He might still be in your rock band, or in your theater company, or at your yoga class, or sweating next to you at your gym, or sitting next to you at your work.  He might be the father of your children. He might be a superstar you see on billboards and hear about from friends and strangers every day.  He could be your lawyer, or your coach, or your children’s friend’s father.

It doesn’t mean he has nothing to offer you - even if it’s only a reminder of what you DON’T want.

And it doesn’t mean you have to be especially nice to him, or welcoming, or reasonable.

And it doesn’t mean you have to notice him much, or think about him, or wonder about him, or talk about him.

It just means he’s there.  He still lives and breathes.

It’s not about “reality.”  It’s about “energy.”

And this isn’t hocus-pocus or magic, because it’s not about HIS energy - it’s about YOURS.

The simple truth is - if you stop FIGHTING your feelings for him and pull toward him, and thoughts about him - and simply REFOCUS your mind, body and heart around something NEW - something that FEELS GOOD - something that’s MEANINGFUL to you - it will overpower the energy you’re showering on this undeserving man.

So - instead of rituals and symbolic acts to LET GO of him (because then it’s STILL all about HIM…) what we need here is rituals and symbolic acts to hang onto, hold onto, embrace, worship and adore OURSELVES.

The result we’re going for is not to free HIM - but to free US.

Can you imagine what that would look like and feel like?

What would it look like and feel like to feel free as a bird around your thoughts and feelings about a man?  To be able to do what makes you happy even though thoughts of him and about him continue to intrude?

I guarantee you that if you find things to immerse yourself in - things that capture your attention in a wonderful, fulfilling and satisfying way…they will way outshine any man’s old, worn-out pull on you.  Your light will expose the shabbiness of the man, the obsolescence of him.

You’ll start to feel this:  “Done.”

It’s not about “over.”  It’s not about “forgetting.”  It’s not about “Letting Go” so you “don’t” have a mental, physical or emotional experience around him when he isn’t actually there.  It’s about just getting so passionate about yourself and what you love in life that you become bored by him.

Most of the time, a man who is not good for us came into our lives for one reason:  We invited him in as a “do-over.”

It could be a do-over of our childhoods, when the only way we could get love and attention was by working our butts off.

It could be a do-over of a trauma where we felt helpless to take care of ourselves.

It could be a do-over of a mistake that feels desperately like it needs “closure” and “mastery.”

Forget about all that.

Instead - focus on being kind to yourself.  Focus on what you like.  On what makes you feel good.  Do that.  Think that. Take yourself there.

Erika talks a lot about EFT - Emotional Freedom Technique, and I love the technique too - here’s one little piece of it I’m going to apply to this post:

Say to yourself: “Even though I feel attached to this man and drawn to have closure with him, I deeply and profoundly love and accept myself.”

Then get back on your horse and ride - with him or without him, whether he’s hanging onto the saddle, gripping you for dear life, or trying to get you to stop and let him on, or whether you’re holding him with one hand behind you as you ride on.

The important thing is NOT what HE’S doing, or where HE is.

The important thing is that YOU are RIDING ON!!!

Love, Rori