Don’t Be Friends
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This is a jump off from a question from Robin -
“My pattern seems to be getting put in the ‘friends’ category. When I was a teenager, I thought this was the way to go, because I always heard from people that you want to “marry your best friend.” Or that you have a better chance of being with someone if you are their friend first.
Looking back, I can see how I came to this conclusion; my grandparents were best friends, and theirs was the healthiest of relationships I could observe at that time in my life.
And even that was not all that healthy and not completely what I want for my own life…
I really value a friendship element in a long-term relationship, and can see from others in my life that this is important for marriage, BUT…
I’m missing something if I keep getting put in that category. And I can’t quite figure out how to undo this pattern, because I formed this pattern, thinking it was a good thing to go to one extreme of the spectrum.
Is there a specific way to break this pattern all at once, or is this something for baby steps??“
Here’s my answer:
The truth is - we KNOW a friend from a lover. Hanging out with a male “friend” can be fantastic. My men friends saved my emotional life countless times, and those memories are some of my best.
Unless a man is gay, however (which is why gay men are often the best friends) - you can TELL if he’s hanging out with you because of genuine friendship or if he’s “interested” in you in more romantic ways.
And it feels GREAT if a man is “interested” in you and wants to be around you - especially if he’s romantically interested in you, because that adds another dimension that makes you feel attractive and sexy in his presence - not just like a “pal” - and if what you pick up from him is that he’s not romantically interested - as long as YOU don’t have those kinds of feelings for him - it doesn’t MATTER! You can enjoy being with him no matter WHAT his level of interest, as long as it feels like fun - and as long as you don’t CARE.
The reverse is completely NOT GOOD for you - where you are hanging out with a man who has expressed “friendship” in words, deeds, and energy - and YOU feel MORE.
Just don’t do that. Don’t hang out with men friends when you wish there were more. Just don’t do it.
Now - here’s a wrinkle. We’re friends with people because we feel attracted to them. This includes the “geeky” guy we know who’s funny and makes us laugh. This includes our girlfriends. Anyone we feel good around, anyone we want to talk to, be with, stand near - we feel attracted to. And I don’t just mean “platonically.”
I know this is hard to embrace. But the truth is - there is an erotic component to this attraction. The next time you find yourself talking with someone you couldn’t IMAGINE feeling erotically attracted to - a homeless person, a person you might label as “ugly” - or the wrong gender - if you can embrace the truth that you are erotically attracted to that person as well as attracted on intellectual and emotional levels - you will get this so much faster.
In other words - if you like being around a person - there is a part of you that feels erotically attracted to them. It doesn’t mean you find this person appropriate for a relationship, and it doesn’t mean you feel romantically attracted to them. It just means you feel sexually, erotically attracted.
And what happens with most of us? When we’re faced with an erotic attraction to someone “inappropriate” - we shut down.
And I don’t want you to do that.
I want you to stay open to ALWAYS feeling erotically attracted to YOURSELF - and so you will ALWAYS be radiating a sexual, sensual, erotic vibe. We’re all afraid of what will happen if we open ourselves up like that - and I want you to embrace that fear and open up anyway.
So - what you may feel from a man who says he wants “friendship” is that EROTIC component he also feels. You may just hook it up to your OWN feelings for him, because these energies bounce off of each other, or you may mistake that erotic energy for ROMANTIC feelings.
This is how it gets so confusing with a man who says “friends” but feels like more than that to you. This is why a man can sleep with you and still consider you just a “friend.”
It’s not cruelty. He’s not trying to hurt you. It’s just simpler for him than it is for you.
So don’t go there. Just say NO to “just friends.”
Circular Date. Do the Whole Targeting Mr. Right “Diva” stuff - and it will get clear to you…Love, Rori
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