Have The Relationship You Want

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Here’s a letter from Sheri – and as I read it I nearly jumped out of my chair in recognition of how I’ve done in my own life exactly what Sheri’s doing, and then started pounding the keyboard with frustration – for her, for me in the past, and for any of you who are stuck like Sheri – looking at your situation in this narrow, self-defeating way:

“Dear Rori, My situation is one I am sure you are familiar hearing of…I met a man who was a friend of mine at first, for a short period…we then led into something romantic…over the last 2 and a half months, I’ve felt excited, loved, cared for and have fallen in love with someone who makes me smile.

Yet, on his end, it’s been a constant back and forth battle. He cares for me and loves being with me but, one minute wants to continue trying and the next decides he “just can’t do it.” Through his back and forth-ness, I’ve been supportive and patient.

I’ve insisted on just taking things day by day, naturally, to see where they would lead on their own…yet, even through that, we start getting close again and he finds some way to ensure it stops there.

He’s stated he’s not ready for something serious. I’m frustrated because I’ve been patient and have never said “I want a commitment now!” but I know he knows I care and have kept an open mind. He and I would talk 4 times a day, get together once/twice a week and over the weekends, and have had heart to hearts about where he stands on more than one occasion he has initiated – I’ve never pushed and yet, here I am feeling hurt and disappointed because he shows every sign of wanting to make this work but then focuses on cutting it off when we start getting close.

When we are together the connection is obvious – we can talk about anything and truly enjoy each other. His comments have included everything from “I never expected to feel this way for someone” to “I love being with you” to “This is all scary to me” …I know he fears commitment…I just can’t determine if I should cut him off completely, something I’ve felt might be the best thing to do.

Can you help? It’s hard for me because I love him….

Thanks in advance, Sheri

Okay, here’s my answer, and I’ll bet you already know what it is:

First – my question – Why are you “exclusive” with this man?

And then I’ll answer my own question, because there IS no answer you could possibly give that will work for you except for this one – “Whoops – Rori, thanks for reminding me – I’ll go fix that right now…” And then go out and get your dance card filled up so you have dates and more dates starting tomorrow.

You CANNOT take things “day by day” (which is the ONLY way to take ANY relationship until the ring is on your finger and the top of the wedding cake in your co-owned freezer), and still be EXCLUSIVE with a man.

It won’t work.  You’ll get crazy, just like Sheri is right here.

It is absolutely criminal for any man who “doesn’t want anything serious” to somehow have a “hold” on you – where you feel you have to either tough it out – for years and years, even, as so many of us do – or dump him and move on.

You don’t have to make that choice.  Not after only 2 months.

If he’s fun to date, then date him.  If he’s fun to sleep with, then sleep with him.  But keep some of your time and energy for the Toms, Dicks and Harrys of this world who want to spend time with you, give you affection, attention and all kinds of fun things – including, perhaps, the Happy Ever After you clearly, truly want.

If you’re EVER starting to fear that you’re “wasting your time” with a man – that’s your clue that you’re making a mistake by shutting down your options.  That’s your clue to get out there and talk to, sit down with, go out with and practice BEING with lots and lots of NEW men – and KEEP HIM in your “rotation” along for the ride!.

So, Sheri, I wish you luck – and hope you try this and let me know what happens.

Love, Rori