Have The Relationship You Want

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This is a jump off from a question from Robin -

“My pattern seems to be getting put in the ‘friends’ category. When I was a teenager, I thought this was the way to go, because I always heard from people that you want to “marry your best friend.” Or that you have a better chance of being with someone if you are their friend first.

Looking back, I can see how I came to this conclusion; my grandparents were best friends, and theirs was the healthiest of relationships I could observe at that time in my life.

And even that was not all that healthy and not completely what I want for my own life…

I really value a friendship element in a long-term relationship, and can see from others in my life that this is important for marriage, BUT…

I’m missing something if I keep getting put in that category. And I can’t quite figure out how to undo this pattern, because I formed this pattern, thinking it was a good thing to go to one extreme of the spectrum.

Is there a specific way to break this pattern all at once, or is this something for baby steps??“

Here’s my answer:

The truth is - we KNOW a friend from a lover.  Hanging out with a male “friend” can be fantastic.  My men friends saved my emotional life countless times, and those memories are some of my best.

Unless a man is gay, however (which is why gay men are often the best friends) - you can TELL if he’s hanging out with you because of genuine friendship or if he’s “interested” in you in more romantic ways.

And it feels GREAT if a man is “interested” in you and wants to be around you - especially if he’s romantically interested in you, because that adds another dimension that makes you feel attractive and sexy in his presence - not just like a “pal” - and if what you pick up from him is that he’s not romantically interested - as long as YOU don’t have those kinds of feelings for him - it doesn’t MATTER!  You can enjoy being with him no matter WHAT his level of interest, as long as it feels like fun - and as long as you don’t CARE.

The reverse is completely NOT GOOD for you - where you are hanging out with a man who has expressed “friendship” in words, deeds, and energy - and YOU feel MORE.

Just don’t do that.  Don’t hang out with men friends when you wish there were more.  Just don’t do it.

Now - here’s a wrinkle.  We’re friends with people because we feel attracted to them. This includes the “geeky” guy we know who’s funny and makes us laugh.  This includes our girlfriends.  Anyone we feel good around, anyone we want to talk to, be with, stand near - we feel attracted to.  And I don’t just mean “platonically.”

I know this is hard to embrace.  But the truth is - there is an erotic component to this attraction.  The next time you find yourself talking with someone you couldn’t IMAGINE feeling erotically attracted to - a homeless person, a person you might label as “ugly” - or the wrong gender - if you can embrace the truth that you are erotically attracted to that person as well as attracted on intellectual and emotional levels - you will get this so much faster.

In other words - if you like being around a person - there is a part of you that feels erotically attracted to them. It doesn’t mean you find this person appropriate for a relationship, and it doesn’t mean you feel romantically attracted to them.  It just means you feel sexually, erotically attracted.

And what happens with most of us?  When we’re faced with an erotic attraction to someone “inappropriate” - we shut down.

And I don’t want you to do that.

I want you to stay open to ALWAYS feeling erotically attracted to YOURSELF - and so you will ALWAYS be radiating a sexual, sensual, erotic vibe. We’re all afraid of what will happen if we open ourselves up like that - and I want you to embrace that fear and open up anyway.

So - what you may feel from a man who says he wants “friendship” is that EROTIC component he also feels.  You may just hook it up to your OWN feelings for him, because these energies bounce off of each other, or you may mistake that erotic energy for ROMANTIC feelings.

This is how it gets so confusing with a man who says “friends” but feels like more than that to you.  This is why a man can sleep with you and still consider you just a “friend.”

It’s not cruelty.  He’s not trying to hurt you.  It’s just simpler for him than it is for you.

So don’t go there.  Just say NO to “just friends.”

Circular Date.  Do the Whole Targeting Mr. Right “Diva” stuff - and it will get clear to you…Love, Rori

Have you ever pretended to the man who just turned you from a lover to a friend that you’re OKAY with that?

Here’s a comment from Mariah (here’s the whole comment->) - (I’m working with it here because I think it’s a universal situation that will help you, too):

“Rori, I wrote to you while back about a relationship I was in with a man that told me he just wanted to be friends after all. You told me to get my energy out of there and I did, we still talk sometimes and just few days ago he told me he had come to a conclusion that he wanted to invest in a relationship and he wants to have a family (even though he already has children). He also told me that he would be ok with a woman that already has children if all the right elements were there. I did not what to say, because I was not sure why he shared that with me….

I was speechless and told him that I hoped he would find what he is looking for. - that is my problem…. I keep lying, pretending, making it look it does not bother me and that I truly hope he finds happiness.

Rori, I can’t do this anymore, I feel bursting inside with the desire to tell him exactly how I feel and why in a very mature way. I feel to tell him that cuddling on the couch while watching TV makes me feel bonded to him, I feel to tell him that when he text messages me and end with ” I love you long time,” I feel to be with him. I feel to tell him the truth about how I feel, what I want and share all my emotions that I have been suppressing just to play it cool. Please tell me, what should I do here….. I need to start this new year in a different note and right now I feel to come out clean about all this with him.

Waiting anxiously for your tips on this one… thank you in advance!! Mariah”

Okay.  This has happened to me so many times in my life (long ago, yes, but I remember them still, and when I remember them I flare up for a moment with remembered anger, humiliation and despair - and yes, I use all my Tools to USE those moments to make what’s going on in my marriage right now, for real, more powerfully wonderful - instead of letting those memories take hold of me and carry me further away from my man).

Something happens to us when a man we love drifts away and then says that he considers us a “friend.” A good, great, wonderful, friend.  We are so wounded in that moment that we BELIEVE it’s OKAY.

We BELIEVE that either he’s not really saying what he’s saying, or that he’ll change his mind because he’s just scared of intimacy, or that WE’LL get over him fast and that we’ll WANT him in our life as a “friend.”

We focus all our energy on NOT LOSING HIM.  Even though he’s now only a “friend.”

We feel a sense of loss so powerfully, that we put on our brakes and refuse to lose any more.

And this just wrecks us.

It’s us not willing to “give up.”  And most often - “Giving Up” is the absolutely best thing we can do.

The best thing for ourselves - our self-esteem, self-respect, confidence and power; and the best thing for the potential of the relationship.  If the relationship ever CAN return to the romance it once was - it’s Giving Up that gives you your best chance.

So when a man comes up with the “friends” line - however he says it - GET OUT OF THERE!

I mean this LITERALLY. Don’t smile, don’t say how you “love him as a person” and “of course you want him in your life,” don’t say you “need to think about it,” don’t share your pain with him….because - he is NO LONGER YOUR FRIEND.

Yes, this is pretty radical.  Say “Oh. Well, you’re right, of course. Goodbye, then,” turn around and get yourself to your home, to your girlfriend’s home, to a dance class, the gym, the coffee house - just get out of there.

And yes - he will call you.  He’ll try to “make nice.”  He’ll try to do what he needs to do to feel better himself, and he’ll try to do what he needs to do to KEEP YOU in his LIFE.

Do not pick up the phone, do not return calls, do not return emails. Nothing.  If you see him at work, smile and walk past.

If he should manage to get you on the phone, say “This doesn’t feel good, I ust don’t have the time for a man friend right now, I have to go…” and hang up the phone.

And do all this WITHOUT ANGER.  Think about it.  He’s done nothing wrong.  He’s done nothing bad.  He hasn’t (unless he’s a sociopath, and we’ll talk about that later) intentionally tried to hurt you.  It just didn’t work out for him.  He’s trying to “let you down easy,” and he really likes you as a person and as a woman and so he’s trying to keep you in his life.

If he hadn’t HAD to - because the relationship had come to the point where he had to - he would have tried his best to NOT say anything to you.  He would have “strung you along” for as long as he could. And not because he’s “bad” and “awful” - but because he LIKES you - appreciates how you add to his life, and doesn’t want to LET YOU GO.

IF - and I say this very carefully - IF he’s going for friendship now because he simply can’t conceive of anything deeper right now with ANY WOMAN - and you feel totally tempted to wait him out, until he grows up - you are doing yourself a deep disservice.

The absolute BEST thing you can do for yourself is to take him at his word. Friends it is.  Wave Goodbye to him and get yourself back on the market Circular Dating, and work through your distress with my Power & Self Esteem Tools until you realize what a huge favor he’s done you by telling you anything remotely truthful when it was important to you.

When you walk away, and get happy elsewhere - that’s when (IF it’s even possible for him to change his mind and all of a sudden feel romantic about a relationship with you) - he comes back.

And Mariah - he’s coming back now - but still only as a “friend” - and you are still unwilling to walk away.  I totally identify with you, I know we all do…and here’s what you do:

1.  Write a speech.  It will say the truth.  You don’t want to be his friend. Period. You’re not sure why he’s telling you about his love life, and you still care deeply for him and do not want to be his friend.

2.  When he calls next, deliver your speech simply, so that you can experience yourself as telling the truth and feeling powerful because telling the truth is ALWAYS powerful.

3.  Say Goodbye and hang up.  Do not get into chatting, do not listen to him, do not ask questions, do not talk about your relationship, do not ACT like his friend.  Do not revisit the breakup.  Do not listen to his “feelings.”  Say Goodbye and hang up.

4.  Go do something very, very nice for yourself.  Something from your Channeling List.

5.  Get out there and DATE - work for YOURSELF, not to get HIM.  As you do this - tell the truth and shift the focus - you’ll see - things will get better.

Love, Rori