Have The Relationship You Want

This post is a jump-off of a dust-up and discussion between one of the coaches who posts here, Erika Awakening, and dawn (and more of you, too, as well).  It got me thinking about how it feels for me to coach and write and want to help women as a profession – and how that affects my day-to-day life, and how that might be meaningful for you.

In the way that giving advice and overfunctioning and “helping” and “nurturing” is ALL masculine energy – I always say that “I’m the only boy here, so you can focus on the girl expression of yourself,” and yet, as more and more coaches and therapists start posting here, it makes us all want to get into the advice-giving gig – and that’s not helpful for what we’re working at here for you.

And I also notice the coaches struggling, often, for their own voice when this is, after all, my blog – so it’s hard to disagree with me, even though it might be a powerful thing for us all to hear…

I adore Tinque, and think she’s got it exactly right.  Her own story is so powerful, and she’s gone to such a soft place – it just comes out that way when she talks and writes, and I find her transformative.

And some others, like Erika Awakening – have quite different personalities and styles than I do – styles that come on strong and seem at odds with the tenor here sometimes, but that work for their clients quite fabulously, when they’re in their own environment.

And Orna Walters, who’s so utterly passionate and seems to be finding a way to be both powerful – even shocking – without losing the compassion and unconditional love that just pours out of her.

And I’ve noticed that Daria is finding a real voice here, and moving into a transformative place without losing her gift as the Queen of Riffing.

But trying to do this “coaching” thing when you aren’t interested in doing it professionally can really mess you up.

It can push you into your head when what we want here is your heart.

Here’s my take on how the “guru” thing works:

There is absolutely no way to heal our tendencies to stuff and lie and hedge and make up bad stuff without some trial-and-error.

Even if you heal the underlying causes of trauma reactions and all kinds of behavior that doesn’t serve in energetic, quantum ways (and I DO believe this can happen and do many modalities on myself and clients all the time) – it’s still like being a child again and learning to walk properly (many children who never learn to crawl get delayed in all kinds of ways – things need to be taken in order many times).

Even if you heal (especially, most times) a physical problem in the body – things just don’t go instantly back to “perfect” or “normal.”  There’s “Compensatory Torque” – (a few posts on this awhile back) – there are many things to unwind, and the weak muscles have to be specifically strengthened.

Recovering your true self may be instantaneous and amazing – but you still have to learn how to express what’s new inside on the outside in new ways.  Even if the cause is removed, the habit can remain. Thus—practice.

This is my take, and for me, that explains everyone of our ups and downs, ins and outs – and even physical issues.

I don’t believe you can learn to have magnificent sex and great orgasms, or to dance merely by taking away the beliefs that you can’t do those things.  You still have to practice.  You often need a teacher. You often need a partner – at least to practice.

So – we all have issues with key things – safety, security, money, freedom, intimacy, truth, sex…We all are triggered in different ways by different things because of our unique stories.

I’ve known many clearly healing “gurus” who were actually very short-tempered (go figure) or had difficulties with health or some basic life and people skills. And yet, in their presence, you heal.

Sometimes we come up against someone who throws us into a place where we have to look at stuff that’s completely beside the point and issues we thought we were working on!

Sometimes it’s not all interrelated.

Sometimes it’s “out of the blue.”

A person who has security thoughts constantly and is stuck and small around money – but who has a great love life…(yep, I’ve seen it…) can make us look in the wrong place…we’ll say “How can she, with all those problems, get a great guy like him?”

And so we think something’s wrong with the way we’ve been going about being “big” about our security and taking care of ourselves and think we need to be a “damsel in distress” in order to get a man.  We jump to the conclusion that men are easily intimidated.

But, actually, that woman may have shown up as a messenger for a completely different reason than the things we can obviously see.

It may simply be that she’s learned some good habits of thought and truth and speaking that work with the particular man she’s with – but that don’t do anything at all to heal her other issues.  Where she is on her journey might just be a different place that allows her to have a love life even though the rest of her is in disarray.

This is why it’s not important to be “put together.” It’s only important that you feel good about some crucial things that specifically dovetail with a specific man.

The more you find the truth and reality of who you are and how you’re living your life – no matter WHAT that looks like – and the more you offer up your time and energy to the discovery of who you are and how you’re living your life and consciously follow the good-feeling paths that show up instead of the hopeful, bad feeling ones…the more love you’ll encounter.

I truly believe that, even if we are not healed inside, we can meet someone who will walk on our path with us – and so we both heal.  The truth is the secret key, here…

And sometimes – all a guru needs to do to be a guru is shine a light on us for us.  He or she doesn’t have to be right, or smart, or even insightful in her interpretation of what she sees. (And this is where we each get caught up and messed up – in listening to interpretations instead of just looking at what is as best we can.)

The “healer” simply assumes the position of shining the light and being excellent at telling the absolute truth of what is there. A guru is a guru because her telling of the truth for you WORKS.  That’s it.  You hear it, it rings true, it gets a reaction, it shifts something – YOU do the work and the interpreting, and you feel a change for the better happen.

Lots of people can shine lights and tell the truth they see. There even may be different truths.  Watching a sunset, I may see orange and pink and say so, and you may see blue and lavender and purple and yellow, and say so. The question to ask is NOT what feels best to you in that moment – pink and orange or blue and lavender – but what feels best to you when you give that person’s truth a ride in your own system. People follow particular “gurus” because they make them feel good. You can lose yourself this way.

The truth is usually uncomfortable.  Not at all what we want to hear.  Sometimes, the most outspoken and raw people are the ones we thank later on – either for shining a light on us – or for shining a light so glaringly on themselves that we see what we thought about them and what they could do for us is not true at all.

We do this with men.  If men are messengers, and show up – every one of them – to HELP us and not on purpose to hurt us, then each one is a guru with a light.

Look for what you see when you hear something that sounds like the truth – for you, or for them…and run it through yourself. Riff on it.  See what YOU say about it.  See if a shift for the better happens.

Being a “guru” for a living, as a vocation or line of work – is a very specific thing. You’re in boy energy much of the time, often, while you’re learning to use your gifts and find your voice – you find yourself shining lights when no one’s asked. Shaking things up when people would rather be as is.

Once you’ve found your footing – Byron Katie perhaps, Deepak Chopra ((I don’t know them personally – I’m just imagining – but my guess is they are very simple in their everyday lives as people, and don’t go around with flashlights aimed anywhere but at themselves until you’ve asked, and invested yourself in hearing what they say (charging money is a way to make sure someone’s at least intending to be invested, sex is another)) – things become different.

I do not imagine that you’d get any words of wisdom from them at a party. I imagine you’d be more likely to see them dancing and laughing and telling jokes, or sitting in a corner with someone learning about something.

And yet – and I want to encourage you here to do this – if you shift your perception to the idea that by shining a light on OURSELVES – really, really deeply, and learning to speak the Truth about it – we automatically are gurus for the world. That’s why I want us to focus on shining the light on ourselves, and forgetting about advice and such. I love allowing those who would like to become professional “gurus” the opportunity to spread their wings here, find their voices, and see what it feels like to shift to boy energy and shine the light on the rest of us.

Then we get to listen for the message, see how it feels, and interpret things for ourselves.

Look for the message, thank the messenger, and open your arms and your heart for the next one.  Sooner than you think, the messengers will all be bringing truth that leads to joy.

Love, Rori

I love how Margaret puts these concepts into clear, understandable and personal ways that we can get our heads and hearts around. I found this article of hers REALLY helpful to explain overfunctioning and what happens when we instinctively give too much to a man, especially a man who’s sad or depressed or has “issues.”  This will help you understand what’s really going on with him and what to do about it…

By Dr. Margaret Paul

Very often, in my work with my clients, when I ask them what they are feeling they say, “I feel sad.” Often, they do not know why they feel sad.

Sadness comes from two very different sources.

Core Sadness

Core sadness is sadness that is in reaction More…

This is a brilliant letter I just got from Carol, and it is so relevant to the situation all of us find ourselves in when we make changes…and how that shakes things up in all kinds of ways…

“Rori. I don’t know what to do. Short story. I was very overweight for a long time. Obese actually my whole life. I fell in love with a man I was working with. He was already in a committed relationship, but was not very happy in it. But we were friends and I never could hope that it could go any further. He was always complimenting me More…

This is a post I found on EpicSelf.com by Amber Zuckswert (she’s very cool), and got permission to re-publish:

Toro sashimi dangled from my chopsticks as I sat gingerly on a bar stool gearing up for my much anticipated viewing of Avatar. Since it’s Christmas debut the futuristic Fern Gully has grossed close to $700 million dollars. In Australia there was a 3 month delay in movie releases so I had no idea this flick even existed. After hearing one spectacular review after another I knew I needed to see it in all it’s mind bending glory and spend the $20 bucks on the 3D iMax version. And though my butt lost all feeling at the 2 1/2 hour mark, flying through the rainforest on the back of a technicolor dragon bird pretty much made my week.

While the special effects and imagination behind the film are awe inspiring enough, More…