Have The Relationship You Want

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My brilliant and incredibly emotionally stable daughter Gemma has been struggling, undiagnosed, with hypoglycemia for years and years. We thought it was migraines…and that was bad enough – but it was never that bad, and we never had sweets and cookies around our house, so she always ate fairly well.

But things change. Sometimes, when things go out-of-balance in our bodies – hormones, the good bacteria/bad bacteria balance – things get worse. This summer it all got worse for Gemma, and now, with a real diagnosis, a couple of books and the brilliance and fortitude that is Gemma (and the help of my Chinese Medical doctor) she’s reversing the downward spiral, taking control of her life and her body, and regaining her body’s balance – and the balance of her blood sugar. She’s getting well, and becoming an expert at hypoglycemia and weathering the roller-coaster of recovery from the hypoglycemia roller coaster at the same time

So, when I talk with a client or read a letter, the first thing I think of is that delicate balance of our physical selves and how easy it is to create all kinds outcomes based on what our bodies are doing inside. How our minds and emotions are so keyed into the rhythms of our bodies. And the other way around, too…

We can so heal ourselves in so many ways. Studies are done now about how happiness effects our health. How laughing cures. How we are so profoundly effected by the level of happiness and health of our closest friends (not family – but friends, isn’t that interesting?). And how illness, no matter how subtle and barely noticeable, can affect our moods and energy.

So – let’s get back to our “no sugar” challenge – prompted by this short P.S. to a letter I just received…

“”…PS I need to work on eating healthy if you have any suggestions. Can’t stay away from the sweets no matter what I try. I know a lot of other women have this problem especially when our relationships are crashing. 5′3″ – 145 lbs.”

Okay – is this a problem for many of you?

Because sugar is POISON. Forget the pounds, forget how you “look.”

Let’s even forget about the general term “health” – because that means something different to each of us.

Let’s frame this sugar thing into something that’s meaningful for each of us – specifically and uniquely.

For me – sugar means pain. Literally. My bladder starts to burn, my head gets foggy, I slump. Even an apple not eaten around protein can do this to me – because my system is already so sensitive. So – sugar is about beating up my sensitive self.

When I look at it that way – it’s no wonder I’ve been able to stay away from sugar (even fruit) for years now. Pain is a stronger pressure on me than the pleasure of tasting sugar. (I’ve also discovered that SMELLING cake, cookies, even fruit does the trick sometimes, when my system is a bit out of whack (weather, hormones, seasons can do that to any of us…) and I’m craving it (not very often, thankfully).

In my wonderful interview with Rose Cole a few months back, we talked about the link between sugar and hormones and depression…and that was a wake up call for many of you – and the way Rose framed that was helpful. So if your pain is depression, and not physical aches and pains (though depression can be a physical achey thing, too…) – that might be enough of a motivation for you.

But here’s the thing – most of us are so USED to pain, so comfortable with emotional and physical pain and discomfort – that we feel WEIRD without it! We feel odd being in a pleasurable place. Some of us have so seldom even EXPERIENCED pleasure, pleasure itself isn’t much of a motivator for change.

Sometimes it’s avoiding the pain that’s the motivator.

Thing is – WE ALL WORK DIFFERENTLY! We all work off of both avoidance and pleasure. We all respond to both “carrots and sticks” – the carrot being the dangling pleasure reward, and the stick being the feared pain and humiliation.

But – most of us respond PRIMARILY to EITHER a carrot or a stick.

If pain was a constant in our lives, we are confused all the time, because pain FEELS like BOTH a carrot and a stick. In other words, emotional pain feels like the way a reward is supposed to feel. Pain feels like love. Because that’s the association we grew up with.

If you had a lovely childhood, you might respond mostly to carrots…following the good feelings more naturally, and not worrying too much about the bad. And so…when you get snockered by heartbreak or physical pain…it’s so foreign to you it can do you in. You feel like you can’t cope.

So – whatever our backgrounds – we developed SKILLS!!! Some of the “coping” skills we learned, though – are killing our love lives.

For instance – if people were always trampling on you emotionally, you learned to hide your feelings. Even from yourself.

Your emotional status might have led you to comfort food – to sugar, and then your physical system got screwed up, too.

So – sugar might be not only your poison, but your drug.

It’s hard to imagine something as seemingly innocent as a cookie or a slice of cake or dish of ice cream as the wrecking ball of your love life – but sometimes it IS!

So – let’s get back to the no-processed-sugar for a week challenge – and let me know how you feel. If you’re experiencing emotional and energetic ups and downs, you think it might be linked to food or to your body, and you’d like to talk with Gemma about all the research she’s doing and how she’s handling her recovery, and how you could do it, too, right along with her…you can email her at GemHarp@hotmail.com… (You can see her photo and all she’s doing at http://GemmaLevine.tumblr.com.) Perhaps, if this sugar thing seems to be something you’d like to work with,  I’ll put in a category here – we can do support and accountability…

I’ve been very happy without sugar for a very long time now (only eat a bit of fruit, and always followed by protein – I know that’s debatable by many dietary systems, but when you’re dealing with blood sugar – that’s crucial in my book) – and so perhaps we could trade some recipes (Rose Cole always has great sugar and gluten free recipes around on her site…) and support each other to break old patterns and eat for our health.

Love, Rori

Ahh – The office romance.  Pleasure.  Pain. Terror.  Humiliation.  Purgatory ever after because you have to see him every day no matter what happens.

Jim and Pam from “The Office” made it work.  But how often DOESN’T IT?  So -

Question…since you’re likely to meet many good men who have similar interests in your workplace – should you avoid dating a man from work because of the possible pain later on?  Or should you date who you like and get a procedure together so you can be just fine if a love affair doesn’t end up in marriage?

I say that life is not about avoiding pain …but about moving toward pleasure.  Always.  so the key here, for me, is not to avoid dating someone – and notice I say ‘date” and not “involved” or “invested” – because we’re Circular Dating, here, and that will help you so much.

The key is to “date” a man along with other men, and to not take ANYTHING SERIOUSLY – no matter WHAT or HOW you feel about him – until there’s a ring on your finger and a wedding date on the calendar.

So – let’s look at this comment from LJ (I’ll shorten it here…) and see how all this pain is happening, how you can prevent it from ever happening to you (and LJ – from it every happening again…) – and how we can help LJ get out of pain NOW.

“Hi Rori and READERS…need help please…
I am trying really hard to get myself together these days but the pain and anguish from my broken relationship is consuming me at times. I was with this man for 4 years and I work with him. His office is literally around the corner from mine. The last year we were together, i always felt that something was “off”. Basically, i realize now that I sort of gave my power away to him. Last December, he got upset with me about something I found to be a minor disagreement and basically gave me the silent treatment for about 3 1/2 weeks and all through the holidays. I was shocked, felt abandoned, rejected and could not believe why, how, etc. he was doing this. Out of my emotionally chaotic state at the time and confusion, i did the typical thing some women would do..text him, call him, write a letter…he wound up finally talking with me and we went back to being with each other..looking back though, i realize i never fully got a real explanation (i got a b.s one) and he never apologized.

That was in December of last year..After that..it seemed that our relationship was “off”…we still had good times, but there was less calls from him…less affection throughout…i was the one always making plans with him..not the other way around…i was not being treated the same way that I was the first 3 years when everything seemed so great and we were so close and he would always go out of his way for me. I realized that months after this silent treatment incident that I had been walking on eggshells around him…that the relationship had changed….that i had really lost trust for him…and i wanted so badly for things to be the way they used to be so I was trying harder and harder, and in doing so was holding in alot of my feelings, and watching what I would say as not to “rock the boat” with him for fear of getting yelled at, him getting angry, and/or given the silent treatment by him…

Throughout the time we were togethr…i have dealt with that silent treatment crap at least a few occasions..when he got mad…and i felt like i was abandoned, and disrespected each time……well…this past august…i went out of town, as did he…i went on a family trip..he was going to a wedding…and i realized that when he didn’t ask me to the wedding, and when he made no attempt to see me prior to me leaving town for 11 days when i clearly let him know I wanted to see him…that it was time to talk (clear the air of everything) and find out what the hell was up….I was scared in a sense to talk to him, b ut told myself I had to…see where we stood, etc….so i told myself i was going to talk with him when i returned from my trip….when i got back..we hung out a couple times..and then while we seemed to be on good terms..i called him..was pleasant and nice and said that I wanted to talk with him..told him i felt confused…disconnected and didn’t wanted to feel that way…and said i just wanted to talk about some things….wwell..upon getting of the phone he was suppose to get back with me the next day letting me know when we’d meet…he never did…a week went by and i was angry…i went into his office…confronted him about not getting back to me…we got in an argument…and that was that…4 months ago…

For 2 months after that..i didn’t approach him or say anything to him…i figured that if he cared..he come after me…However…after about 2 months i periodically started texted him …wrote him a letter about the incident in his office….(non blaming..very neutral letter..)…in which he never responded…about a month ago..we were at a work party together…i was bold and went up to talk to him..(iwas being flirty…this is probably the stupidest thing i could of done..but hey…i still love the guy..4 years with him and i am so confused)…i pulled him on the dance floor that night for a song as well….after he left the party and after a few drinks..and me feeling a lil emotional..i wind up telling one of my ex’s friends) that I love my ex…(which is true)….well, obviously that I assume made its way back to my ex… 2 days later at work…my ex comes by my office and has a letter…he hands it to me and out of his mouth says..”special delivery”….

I want to tell you what the letter said……..Here goes….(many words were cap..and underline…lot of anger)……..”We can never have the same type of relationship as we did before.”..”If You want to deal with me–here’s the deal!! “..1)” I will not promise to not mess around with other women..i did that for 3 years and received repeated accussations of f****** other women”….”Never again!!!!”….(note here…i only asked him about other women after the silent treatment episodes)……2) “We Can be F*** buddies, or Friends w/ benefits…or NOT!!!”, 3) “I Will Not be your Boyfriend…whatever that means….you see who you want as will I”,
4) “we can be friends”, 5) “Whatever you decide, you owe me an apology for disrespected me in my office the way you did!”…………..this was the letter, word for word…and then he signed and dated it……..this was a month ago…i never responded or anything….i have just ignored him since then…but I’m telling you…it’s so painful…i have to hear him talkin g everyday…..he’s right there b/c we work together….I don’t understand this at all how someone who you’ve been with 4 years and you thought you had something special with can treat me this way….I loved this guy…never did him wrong….you would think that when your with somone a long time and even if the relationship was going to end or he wanted it too…that two people could have an adult, mature conversation…that’s all I wanted…or needed..if that was the case…there was no talk…no closure…no resolution…nothing…just him blowing me off when i wanted to talk and an argument…and them him treating me in this cruel, degrading way….i am heartbroken still after 4 months….i hate him…i love him..i’m clear on things…then I’m confused…it’s just this huge shock element…it’s enough to drive a person insane…..lately…i am not only angry with him but am angry with myself for putting up with some of the b.s. i did over the last few months we were together….

but I am really angry at myself for not responding to that letter…i had friends telling me that it would be best to ignore it, and others telling me to write something…..it’s been a month….and a part of me feels like it’s too late to write him something…lbut I’m telling you…i feel so violated, and angry, and emotional abused from this situation and I feel like in not responding to him that I looked weak and he seems to walk around the office acting like he doesn’t have care in the world…I wonder if he ever did care about me….over the last several months i have been working on me…and when I see him lately i don’t say anything…if he says hi..i say hi back…but that’s it……i’m trying to empower myself again…

but I can’t shake the feeling that he wrote that letter to show control, dominance, and totally devalue me for some reason…and i feel like he’s “WON” in some sick sense in his mind because i didn’t say anything back….it’s so hard working in the same environment with him while I’m trying to heal….does anyone have any words of wisdom, or can anyone relate to my situation…i’m struggling and would just love to hear from some of the readers and what you would do…if you would respond..say something…etc…….thank you so much……”

And here’s my answer:

This is the problem with office romance, dating a guy in your  band or your leading man in the play or the movie.

You have to see him again and deal somehow.

This requires you being a Rock Star – and you have to get there FAST.

I wish it were easy to change jobs or change offices or change floors – and you may still opt to do that if you can.

This whole thing is about Circular Dating and what happens when you DON’T heed my warnings, and insist on being invested in and exclusive with ANY man you are not engaged to with a wedding date.  Period.

Marriages break up all the time – and so many women say they never saw it coming…so you can imagine how many “relationships” blow up as if a man has changed completely as a person.

Imagine – let’s say you met an incredible man, or two or three, and were out dancing every night, having great sex with one of those men, and feeling like a million bucks.  Would you feel differently about seeing this man who’s behaved so badly toward you?  Or would you insist, being run by your subconscious, on still pining after him?

I would say the chances are 50/50.

Unbelievably, we so often opt for pain.

Even when we’re actually in bliss somewhere else, we want to experience the pain of being in the old, painful place.

Thus – the cycle you speak of, Lj – where, when a man withdraws, we feel compelled to go chase him with all guns blazing.

Well – what would happen if we just stopped doing that at the BEGINNING?  At the first moment he gets distant, or doesn’t call, or disapears, or doesn’t invite us someplace we think we should be invited, like a wedding, after 4 years.

(Oh – and this is likely a whole new post – but if a relationship isn’t moving toward marriage after a year – the chances of it ever going to marriage get smaller and smaller with each passing day – that’s why it’s SO important to NEVER fall into the “Girlfriend Trap.” 4 years is WAY too long to be hanging around like this…your chances of being in pain go UP with each passing day.)

Well – LJ – let’s go back those 4 years.  I’m guessing that you could find the FIRST TIME this man pulled away from you.  And that at that time, you did the chasing thing.  And that’s how your “pattern” got established with this man.

And every time he withdrew and you chased and overfunctioned – a little bit of the attraction and connection went out of the relationship – and his true nature and true character (which are pretty shoddy, don’t you think?) got hidden beneath all the chasing and overfunctioning.  Every day he began to look like more of a “prize” – when, in fact, every day he was actually looking and feeling to you like more of a “prick.”  (And this is how we get into labeling and judging men, instead of asking ourselves “Why am I here?”)

Now – I don’t want to judge him, which is so easy to do from your letter – because that’s just NOT THE POINT!  That’s just not where your power is, and judging him is not the fastest way to get your power back. I only care about (and only want YOU to care about) how it might have felt for you – and how you must have smushed your anger under the rug so many times. You must have thought he was behaving like a “prick” – and that anger, stuffed down, just made you act more “nice.”

The truth is – he’s not necessarily a “prick.”  He simply was not behaving like someone you’d want to be around.  I mean – look at this…if a man isn’t showing you he wants you – why would you want him?  I mean….really?

And don’t answer – “Oh, I love him…” Because you CAN’T.  You can’t love a man who doesn’t love you and treat you well.  Sorry.  That’s the Stockholm Syndrome.  That’s what captives feel for their persecutors.  That’s what Jaycee Lee Dugard (the woman held captive by a deranged man for 18 years in a backyard) feels for the horrible, insane man who abducted her years ago.

You have FEELINGS – and your internal survival mechanism, like Jaycee’s – needing to make sense of the horror of reality – conjured up “LOVE.”  We make it up.  If you are helpless, in a traumatic situation, making up stuff so that the quality of your life is better is a GOOD THING!!! Anything that helps you survive is a good thing. Love ALWAYS is a good thing, so of course we want to make it up.

But we are NOT captives like Jaycee.  We are women with free will and independent means.  We are surrounded by men who would jump off their current single lives and give up their freedom just to be with you. We just aren’t going there with them.

So – let’s start accessing our free will.  Let’s start celebrating our freedom to choose different paths for ourselves.  Instead of following our trauma responses down the same old road, let’s LOOK UP!  Look in ANY different direction, and see if there’s any new thing you could be thinking or doing…any new thing that feels scary enough to possibly be a step onto a different road.

This is how your journey to Happy Ever After starts.  You have to FIND your Bridge, if you’ve fallen off it and been in the pits and traps for a long time (this is what my Commitment Blueprint program is all about – staying on your Bridge to Happy Ever After).

Change your routine.  Change your clothes.  Change your hair and makeup.  Change what you eat.  Change what you think about.  Change where you go (Change markets, change gyms, change ANYTHING). Take a class in something unusual – business or accounting or computer technology or massage or stained glass or dancing.  Give yourself something NEW to think about and your body something new to do.  Find what you love.  Then take small steps to DO what you love.

You’ll see – parts of yourself you didn’t even know were there will pop up and happily crowd out the old, pining, miserable, sad, stuck parts.

Oh – and LJ – you don’t need to answer that letter. You’re done. Finished. There’s nothing there for you – and writing him a letter is one thing, but giving it to him is another. You’ll get your energies all tied up in him again, and it’s just not necessary. You can work out your stuff with US, here, and using the Tools with other men and when you’re feeling down. (If he were some wonderful man, amazing as a person, and kind to you as a friend – that might be a different circumstance – but we can talk about how to do that another time…this isn’t what’s going on here.)

Let me know how even just this change in perspective works for you.

Love, Rori

This is a special guest post from my marvelous friend Margaret Emerson:

Spending time in nature has the incredible ability to make us feel peaceful and grounded. As an ecopsychologist, I know that human beings need a connection to something wild, whether that be a pet, a garden, or a mountain in order to feel soulful and happy. I see how couples who backpack, hike or garden together are able to—at least for a while—put their troubles behind them when they immerse themselves in the beauty of the wilderness.

Studies have shown that spending time simply walking in a natural setting (as opposed to simply walking in the mall, for example) can have immense psychological benefits, including reduced anxiety and depression.

One way to honor the natural world and actual form a relationship to the land where you reside is to acknowledge the passing of the seasons. Solstice ceremonies and rituals date back millennia, when societies were much more in tune with natural cycles because their very livelihood and wellbeing was so intricately tied to the land, the weather and their animals. Celebrations were rich with food and drink—one last feast before the start of the long period of uncertainty and possibly starvation during the cold months of January through April.

We are now approaching the next solstice, which is the winter solstice, or the first day of winter, typically falls around December 21st in the northern hemisphere. The solstice is the day in which the sun begins to rise earlier and set later, making for longer days and shorter nights. The day of the solstice is the shortest (and darkest) day of the year, but it’s also the beginning of a trend toward longer days, even though it marks the first day of winter.

I designed a do-it-yourself winter solstice ritual around the concept of preparing a seed that will hopefully sprout and take root in the spring, both literally and figuratively. Because the solstice is the start of longer days at the same time it’s the beginning of the coldest season, it represents the preparation for new beginnings at a time when it’s easy to forget that things will once again thrive and grow. Maybe you’ve lost something of importance to you this year.

Maybe something didn’t quite turn out the way you had hoped—a relationship, a job, or a financial venture. On the day of the solstice, you want to plant “seeds” for new beginnings and new hope for things to blossom for you in the coming year. The seeds will lay dormant for a few months, just as your dreams may lay dormant while you make background preparations for the changes you want to make.

This is a ritual you can do alone or with a friend or romantic partner.

You’ll need a few days to research and prepare for this ritual. You want to lay the groundwork and give your seeds the best possible chance to grow and thrive. First, you’ll need to know what are some of the native plants or grasses that grow in your bioregion. Here where I live in Colorado, buffalo and blue gamma are the native grasses that grow in the plains right up to the foot of the Rocky Mountains.

For the ritual I’m doing, I bought a small amount of this seed at my local nursery. Learning about the native plants in your area is a way to know more about the land where you live, more than just where the nearest mall is. It’s the kind of knowledge our ancestors needed in order to live sustainably with their bioregion.

Once you have a list of native plants, you can visit your local nursery order seeds online. Purchase a small amount of some kind of grass, wildflower or plant that will grow without much human input in a meadow, open space or park near your home.

Next, find out what time the sun rises on December 21st where you live. This will be important for your ritual. Also, think of a park, wild area or trail that has a good view toward the southeast horizon near where you live. Preferably, this should be a wild area that isn’t landscaped with grass, an area that would be good ground for growing the seeds you purchased. Ideally, it should be an area where the plants you purchased already grow naturally or where the ecosystem would not be disrupted with its introduction.

On the night before the solstice, take a small amount of the seeds and mix them with compost, garden soil or some kind of seed starter mix. Place the mixture in the middle of a square of brown paper bag, like a lunch bag or a grocery bag. Carefully wrap the mixture as if you were wrapping a gift, and secure it with thread or a very thin piece of tape. You will be taking this with you on the morning of the solstice, along with a pen or marker.

On the morning of the solstice, plan on arriving at the natural area or park at least 15 minutes before the sun is scheduled to rise. After parking your car or arriving on foot, take a minute to center yourself in the space and state your intention -

What are you here for? Ask the land permission and blessing for your ritual.

You and your partner should then begin to walk or hike on the trail in meditative silence, allowing yourself to be mindful of your surroundings. Notice the way the air smells, the way the wind sounds as it moves across the land or through the trees. Notice if you hear any wildlife. What does the sky look like in this moment at sunrise on the shortest day of the year?

You’ll want to walk or meander in this space for a short time, watch the sunrise if possible, and relax into the surroundings. Then, when you’re ready, take out the seed packet you prepared and the pen you brought with you. What do you want to let go of that you’ve lost in the last year? What new challenges or hopes do you have for the coming year? What “seeds” would you like to plant for your life on this day?

Write down some words directly on the brown paper that represent what you are hoping to incubate and nurture for next year. It could be things like a good relationships, a new understanding of someone you love, better friendships, a new job or career. Perhaps you want to nurture new, positive habits. Write down two or three words to represent your hopes and goals.

Let your heart lead you to a spot where you know your seeds have the best possible chance to grow in the spring—a spot with lots of sunshine and good soil. Take the seed packet and place it under the snow or bury it a little bit on the ground (depending on the weather that day). Place it somewhere where it won’t easily be found, where it will remain sacred and safe.

Return to your home or car again in silence, to honor the moment and contemplate both the real seeds you’ve placed on the earth and the metaphorical seeds you’ve placed in your subconscious that will hopefully take root and thrive in the months ahead.

When you return home, have a big breakfast feast—lots of delicious sweet and savory things to nourish you. Share your impressions with your friend or partner. Talk about how you can help nurture each other’s “seeds” in the months to come.

This is a new “outside of your head” way of bonding with them, and you may find yourself remembering in the days ahead how magical it felt to be out in nature at sunrise on the shortest day of the year, in a solitude we don’t often experience in the city.

This is Margaret’s site…go here for more information on ecopsychology and nature-based practices -> www.ContemplativeHiking.com.

So – what exactly does “Toxic” mean? If we can use it to describe HIM, who’s doing bad and weird things, and also to describe YOU – who are, by the way, lovely – how does that work?

We’re working here with Terry’s story, so this is Part 2 of the series. In short, Terry is hung up on a married man who has an abusive wife and a new baby.  A while back, he was ready to leave his wife for her, but now can’t find the will to do that, and is withdrawing. Terry is berating herself for causing him to withdraw because of her “clingy-ness,” and we’re trying to look at the reality of this situation and explore all the aspects of it, so we can use her extreme situation to help ourselves in all our unique situations.

I’m talking directly to Terry, and then expanding out to all of us:

First, Terry – by being with a man who is married – what does that make you?  What are you participating in?  Does that feel good?  No.  It can’t. Participating in even an “emotional affair (without sex) would make you a participant in a “cheating” experience that involves lying – or at least small untruths.

And those small untruths kill us.

They kill our spirit.

So – let’s just say – if we’re THERE, with a “toxic” man, in a “toxic EXPERIENCE (like this one), then you are being “toxic” to YOU.  To yourself.  You are beating yourself up – using him as the hammer.

That makes him just as toxic as his abusive wife – because he’s THERE…and in order to have a baby with her, he must have had sex with her – an abusive woman….

So – he is toxic for tolerating abuse, and then he’s handing abuse to YOU, which you are tolerating.  Sounds pretty toxic to me, what do you think? And, yes, I’m asking you to use your mental, masculine brain energy to look at this…we’ve got to start there – with you getting on board mentally with a whole new INTENTION around your love life and what you want and what you deserve – and what a “soulmate” looks and feels like.

No matter WHAT he’s said, or HOW you feel (I want you to feel what you feel, I love all your feelings, and you feel connected to him ..so that part’s FINE), or what you believe you’ve figured out about this – plain and simple – He’s not available, he’s with another woman, he’s responsible for a small child.

Common sense tells you to drop this man like a hot potato.  Common sense tells you he CANNOT be your soulmate – or he would be AVAILABLE to you!

Soulmates as star-crossed lovers is a lovely dramatic theme that’s dogged us women forever – but does it do you any good?  NO!   It’s your past, your trauma reactions, all the things we need to help you transform that are selling you on this man.

Every time you even THINK about him, you’re digging yourself in deeper.

We want to pull you OUT of this pit.  We need your help.  We need you to set an Intention.  “Getting this particular man” is not an intention worth pursuing under ANY circumstances – it is a wayward folly borne from your subconscious – and you are SO MUCH MORE BEAUTIFUL THAN THAT!!!

So here are some more questions:

What happened to Terry’s common sense here – or is she just simply seeing and experiencing something we aren’t?  What is this “perspective” we get when we see what we want to see instead of what the rest of us see and call “reality”? (Even though what we choose to see is awful and ugly, it’s so often preferable to reality.  At least we’re USED to THAT kind of awful and ugly.)

Let’s talk also about this “soulmate” thing.  Can a man who’s not available and very toxic be your soulmate?  Can you square this by saying “the timing’s not right”? Can he be “fixed” by your love?  Is that the dream, here – that you will “fix” him with your love and then you can be the soulmates you truly are?  Where did we get this? (And I’m as much a sucker for this as anyone…you can tell by the romance novel I wrote called “The Dream Man” – oh, remind me, I keep meaning to make that available to you all for fun….)

The difference is in not KNOWING what’s fantasy and what’s reality, because – who knows anything, after all? – but in making the decision, based on what feels good, about what reality is and isn’t. ( I suppose that’s a whole other post there.)

So – what reality do YOU choose?

Let’s work through these questions (I’ll reply to your comments and get new ideas for posts) – and then I’ll move on to the next big triggering thing from Terry’s comment.

Love, Rori