Have The Relationship You Want

Okay, it’s that time of year…the Bachelor is here.  And this time, he’s unusual. He’s odd.  He’s a Dudley-DoRight, stand up man who’s so uncomfortable in his own skin you can feel the coils of his being wound tight.  The kind of man he is requires a certain kind of women, and the producers of the show did him no favor.  Nearly all but 2 or three of the women are so completely and utterly wrong for him. Too sophisticated.  Too smart.  Game-players.  Bitches. Bad-girls. Mean-girls. Mentally unstable. And …all “boy.”  What he needs is a soft woman.  A “girl.” Looking at the show, it seems there are none.

And – here’s the interesting part…he’s attracted to bitches, bad-girls, mean girls, cold girls, tricky girls.  He APPRECIATES a nice girl, More…

Here’s a letter I got from Jennifer…a very universal situation if you’ve ever been in the business of attracting and being attracted to unavailable, perhaps even Toxic men:

“Rori…I have been listening to you for about a year. My name is Jennifer….I am a 35 year old single woman who has had 3 long term toxic relationships in her whole life. (One was 7 years, one was 4 years and resulted in a broken engagement, which I broke off, and the last was a 1 year Long distance imaginary relationship).

Your programs helped me get out ofthat last one, the one year, passionate (albeit emotionally unavailable man scenario) relationship with a man that devastated me. We broke up in August 2008.

After that, in the span of 7 months, I lost my job, foreclosed on a house, and moved from Las Vegas, (I hated Vegas). I felt renewed, confident, scared, cried a lot, moved on, got stronger, and ordered “Targeting Mr. Right.”….which brings you up to speed…

I have been circular dating since early May of this year. I cannot tell you the difference that I felt at first….sexy, confident, attractive, alive….ready to take on the world! I was open and ready to experience whatever the universe brought me in the form of MEN!! I went out on about 7-8 wine/coffee dates, practiced all of your tools, listening with an open heart, open body language, trying not to judge, etc…

…I met one man I was REALLY crazy about…..he was the ONLY one who got past the first date….we have been out over 9 times, had great dinners, hikes, romantic kisses near the Golden Gate Bridge…awesome chemistry. He is 40, never married, very handsome, has had several long term relationships, even lived with 2 women in the past…..even admitted to commitment phobia in the past, but I refused to judge and decided to just have fun and enjoy him.

BUT to be safe and smart, I was communicating to him, that I JUST moved, that I was actively dating and seeking to meet lots of people, and that was were I was at, even though I really loved being with him,(which I communicated to him) all of which he supported and even applauded me for…at first…

…now it seems like he is backing away because I haven’t changed my stance, and I really haven’t…… I had been STILL going out on coffee dates, although I must admit, as we got closer and closer I stopped for about 3 weeks, even though I didn’t tell him I stopped, because I didn’t want to lose my sense of power for myself or to have him sense that I was trying to CAPTURE……….

Rori, you would be soooo proud of me, because this whole time, even though I have felt my feelings deepen, I have done everything possible to RELAX and RESIST the urge to THROW him into the CAGE, as you call it! And its the one thing that I instinctively feel that is making him back away from me….I have NEVER talked about wanting to be a girlfriend, or in wanting ANY of that, even AFTER we had sex for the first and only time, two weeks ago!!

( He knew I had only had sex with 3 other men my whole life) I think that he is used to all of the women in his life and THEIR CRAP and THEIR urges to CAPTURE, (he has said things like he felt like a sperm donor, or someone that was supposed to fit into their TIMELINES etc., so I KNOW he is used to women and their pressures) He has sent me messages that he really likes me, even holding my hand saying that he would love to be a father, etc.

So….. I deliberately DO NOT do any of those old behaviors, no matter what was happening and as we got closer, I feel like the stronger I got THEN he starts in the last 2 weeks or so backing away, esp since our sexual encounter which was very passionate and fabulous, by the way. Since then, he tells me things like…”HE Is not emotionally ready for a relationship, but he has deep feelings for me, that its not me, but his crap” and he want to take some time for himself….WHAT? I haven’t pressured one bit!

And despite him saying that, He still calls me or texts me everyday ( I NEVER initiate calls,which was one of your tools which I could always do easily).  So in the last two weeks his mood seems a little down, some of his texts went something like….”I wanted to take some time for myself..I am not ignoring you, just wanted you to know..how are you?” He hasn’t made any plans to see me in almost 2 weeks, all the while, phones and texts like this almost every day……

Last night he showed up at my apt here in the City, He lives 20 miles outside the city, and this is the first time I had seen him (since the last time we saw each other and had sex which was at his house, and he asked me to stay the night) So last night in my apt……….we kissed, talked a bit (his behavior was sooooo confusing..it seems like he is waiting for me to say that I don’t want to see other guys..I FEEL that…like, he won’t say anything until I do…all this looks like he can’t man up, so. …I looked into his eyes, and opened my heart and said….”What is going on? (I know…. mistake, but I said it with a feeling message right after which was…I’m here, I like you so much, and I’m confused and feeling a bit anxious about this..what do you think?”

He said he didn’t come over to talk, he just HAD to see me, kiss me, etc. So I dropped it, gave him a huge open heart smile and a deep hug, and said I was so glad to see him and that I missed him, he returned the sentiment, Then after 15 min he left. No plans for any future dates, nothing. I smiled and let him go, even though I was so hurt and angry at that moment………

I don’t have 3 men in my rotation yet…so I won’t let him go just yet….I am not “efforting” at all outwardly, but inside I feel myself becoming a bit obsessed with this…in your experience…what is going on? Is this how some men act when they know you are dating around? I refuse to abandon myself, Although its making me miserable and sad..every date I want the chemistry I feel with him and havent found it yet….is he just being a baby, like you said in T Mr. Right? Can he man up? And should I even give a damn??? Jennifer”

***Here’s my answer:

Jennifer, This was EXACTLY right – NO MISTAKE!!! -

You must ALWAYS SPEAK THE TRUTH…That’s what keeps fear from taking over….and that’s where attraction can grow.

Some men are simply not able to do real relationship.  You know you attract these men and are attracted to them because of your history with Toxic Men.

Circular Dating will smoke those guys out!

He’s not backing away because you’re a free spirit…he’s backing away either because the attraction is not deepening for him, or because you’re not as EASY as he’d hoped, or because he’s a Toxic man and somewhere inside he KNOWS he can’t do this, or he just doesn’t ever WANT to do this, he’s just fighting his attraction to you.  Or, he just wants sex.

He may have felt the pressure from you after sex, and he may feel it from inside himself…but it makes no difference…

Sex is meaningful to a woman, no matter how much of a rock star you aim to be…you can’t help but put out stronger vibes after sex – and if you don’t, you wouldn’t be authentic . That’s why sex should only happen when you know exactly what’s going on with you and you can speak it first.

Let him back off, and if he shows up again, try not having sex. Just tell him that you could feel the pressure, and you’d rather wait and just have fun with him. From what you say about his coming over…sounds more like a booty call to me, too…let’s see what the other women on the blog can offer you…

Love, Rori

I just got this in my mailbox (I love these Notes From the Universe – you can get yours at www.Tut.com).

Resentment, anger, and impatience, Rori, all have their place. Actually, they’re absolutely priceless, revealing to those who feel them that there are still a few pieces of life’s puzzle they’ve overlooked.

Tallyho,
The Universe

Rori, they’re gifts, like everything else.

This is just so the core of what we’re doing…instead of judging everything and clamping down and trying to “improve” and “get it right” — we just treat everything as a messenger, as a gift – and use EVERYTHING to FEEL GOOD.

Really — we have to see all this as a “party.” There is no other way to look at our lives without falling into despair, and despair is hardly ever productive. Even when there’s pain and weirdness…accepting it, going into it, discovering the messages and lessons in it, going deeper, deeper, deeper…that’s the way to total happiness.

Love, Rori

We’ve talked about Bella as heroine and hero and surrendered girl – and now I want to go into another HUGE part of the book and movie – and that’s the openness and transparency of the relationship.

One of the qualities that makes this such a yummy fantasy is that our hero, Edward, continually asks Bella to tell him what she’s thinking.  What she’s feeling. Everything about her.  Even the smallest detail.

He’s a man, a being, a hero who, among his many gifts, can hear people’s thoughts – everyone’s thoughts but Bella’s.

Yes, the woman he adores, he can’t read her mind.  So – he has to ask.

Not only is Bella being appreciated in detail, she can ask HIM anything she wants.  The moment she feels insecure about her worthiness and why he loves her, he answers.

He tells her over and over.  He describes the way he feels.  In detail.  He is every woman’s ultimate dream man in this regard.  He listens.  He cares.  He wants to KNOW.

From the very beginning, there are no games here.  Their relationship dives into intimacy from the first moment, where they tell each other EVERYTHING.

And we know, because the story in the book is told from Bella’s viewpoint, that she doesn’t WANT to tell him everything.  She feels compelled to, forced to – unable NOT to – because of his magical hold on her emotions.  Because of the clear depth of the connection they share. Because of his relentless insistence.

So – what happens to us women in real life?

WE tell EVERYTHING – in a bid to get a man to be like Edward, to want to open up to us, to love us.

Only, the everything we TELL isn’t the everything that creates intimacy.

We tell a man about the relationship, about what we did, what we think…and we’re afraid, from the first moment, that he doesn’t want to know any of this.  And so we chatter on about our lives, but leave out the one part that will drop us suddenly into intimacy – emotions.

We share everything but who we are.

Bella is forced by Edward’s curiosity to tell him her deepest thoughts and fears.

So -assuming that most men out there will not be magical – but may be curious if intrigued – what shall we do to inspire a man to WANT to KNOW about us?  And, in return, to share himself with us?

This is the role of the Feeling Message in the work we’re doing here.  And Speaking Truth.

So…

1. When you feel compelled to talk about facts, to deliver “descriptions” and “report” – stop yourself.

2. Ask yourself “How do I FEEL about these things I’m about to talk about.  How did I FEEL when I experienced this or that…”

3. Do the Rori Raye Dance Position, breathe, relax your shoulders, get grounded in your pelvis, imagine yourself going down to the core of the earth, feeling strong inside, melting on the outside – and start speaking:  “I feel…

4.  See if you can let the words come out, no matter how embarrassed you feel talking this way in front of whoever you’re talking with.

Just practice this all day long, as if the greatest romance in the universe is everywhere around you – in the air, in the trees, in every human and every inanimate object – and that YOU are the source of that romance just by feeling your very own feelings instead of hearing just what’s in your head.

Love, Rori