Have The Relationship You Want

We’ve talked about Bella as heroine and hero and surrendered girl - and now I want to go into another HUGE part of the book and movie - and that’s the openness and transparency of the relationship.

One of the qualities that makes this such a yummy fantasy is that our hero, Edward, continually asks Bella to tell him what she’s thinking.  What she’s feeling. Everything about her.  Even the smallest detail.

He’s a man, a being, a hero who, among his many gifts, can hear people’s thoughts - everyone’s thoughts but Bella’s.

Yes, the woman he adores, he can’t read her mind.  So - he has to ask.

Not only is Bella being appreciated in detail, she can ask HIM anything she wants.  The moment she feels insecure about her worthiness and why he loves her, he answers.

He tells her over and over.  He describes the way he feels.  In detail.  He is every woman’s ultimate dream man in this regard.  He listens.  He cares.  He wants to KNOW.

From the very beginning, there are no games here.  Their relationship dives into intimacy from the first moment, where they tell each other EVERYTHING.

And we know, because the story in the book is told from Bella’s viewpoint, that she doesn’t WANT to tell him everything.  She feels compelled to, forced to - unable NOT to - because of his magical hold on her emotions.  Because of the clear depth of the connection they share. Because of his relentless insistence.

So - what happens to us women in real life?

WE tell EVERYTHING - in a bid to get a man to be like Edward, to want to open up to us, to love us.

Only, the everything we TELL isn’t the everything that creates intimacy.

We tell a man about the relationship, about what we did, what we think…and we’re afraid, from the first moment, that he doesn’t want to know any of this.  And so we chatter on about our lives, but leave out the one part that will drop us suddenly into intimacy - emotions.

We share everything but who we are.

Bella is forced by Edward’s curiosity to tell him her deepest thoughts and fears.

So -assuming that most men out there will not be magical - but may be curious if intrigued - what shall we do to inspire a man to WANT to KNOW about us?  And, in return, to share himself with us?

This is the role of the Feeling Message in the work we’re doing here.  And Speaking Truth.

So…

1. When you feel compelled to talk about facts, to deliver “descriptions” and “report” - stop yourself.

2. Ask yourself “How do I FEEL about these things I’m about to talk about.  How did I FEEL when I experienced this or that…”

3. Do the Rori Raye Dance Position, breathe, relax your shoulders, get grounded in your pelvis, imagine yourself going down to the core of the earth, feeling strong inside, melting on the outside - and start speaking:  “I feel…

4.  See if you can let the words come out, no matter how embarrassed you feel talking this way in front of whoever you’re talking with.

Just practice this all day long, as if the greatest romance in the universe is everywhere around you - in the air, in the trees, in every human and every inanimate object - and that YOU are the source of that romance just by feeling your very own feelings instead of hearing just what’s in your head.

Love, Rori

I just watched the movie of Twilight (I loved it - I’m such a romantic, such a pushover) - and our heroine, Bella, is a different person than the Bella from the book.

She’s evolved, stronger, more receptive.

And the difference in the two ways of seeing this character can be a huge help to us, here.

In the book (and remember - Bella as a character is 17, but she speaks for the girl in all of us) - Bella is headstrong, argumentative, feels unworthy and so she’s defensive.  She fights falling for Edward, and every step of the way, she fights him.  She fights him wanting to carry her up a hill.  She fights him taking her anywhere or giving her anything or doing anything for her.  She fights against love in all kinds of ways.

And so her surrender to Edward - allowing him to carry her up a hill, allowing him to give to her (she rails against his rescuing of her, saying that she “wants to be the superhero sometimes”) - as all the more powerful.

In the film, Bella is so clearly brave, warm, loving, strong, smart and feels so much more worthy (they leave in just a few moments of insecurity) that her surrender has a different quality.  It seems natural, and more girlish.

The Bella of the book feels to me more like a woman who has a bit of a “chip on her shoulder” - and so she’s easier to identify with.

The Bella of the book is more “flawed” than the Bella of the movie.

The Bella of the book has more fear of closeness and intimacy and of RECEIVING than she does of death.  She’d rather be in CONTROL than anything else.  And so, surrendering to love feels huge - and we’re a bit frustrated at how difficult it is for her.

Also, in the book, she strategizes.  She tries to get information out of others through cleverness, even lying - where the movie Bella is upfront, honest, straightforward.

The book Bella is a misfit, a girl who never had even a date with a boy and always felt out of place.  You believe her when she says she’s not pretty.  Even though I knew the beautiful Kristen Stewart plays her in the movie - as I read, I pictured the book Bella as regular-looking.  I believed that she was not beautiful.

The movie Bella is the most beautiful girl anyone’s ever seen, the moment she shows up.  There is no way she could be insecure. Unconventional, perhaps, but not insecure.

It was harder for me to identify with the movie Bella, because, though she was constantly amazed by what was happening, she didn’t doubt Edward’s feelings for her.

In the book, Bella doubts his feelings constantly.  In fact, she asks him how and why he feels about her constantly.  AND - he constantly TELLS her.  He never seems to mind all her questioning.  He seems to find her insecurity charming.

In the book, Bella is so contemptuous of being the “damsel in distress” that she behaves stupidly and BECOMES the damsel in distress.

In the movie, she allows Edward to rescue her with grace, and so she BECOMES a superhero herself.  Her bravery is evident and on purpose - unlike the book Bella’s headstrong and, well, sometimes actually obnoxious self-righteousness and resistance to everything. She’s like someone you take to Disneyland who complains about the rides.

In the movie, Bella has a sense of wonder, and she trusts Edward because she believes in HERSELF.  She is actually not afraid.  Bella in the book is often pretending to not be afraid - and so she’s “contrary” to cover it up.

So - the director of the film and the actress who played Bella saw the problems in the book Bella, and evolved her.

And…strangely enough…I MISSED the book Bella as i was watching the film.

I wanted to BE like the movie Bella, but I FELT more like the book Bella.

I, as a flawed person, had difficulty identifying with the non-flawed Bella.  I know it had nothing to do with age…both of these characters are sort of “timeless.” Some of it has to do with the joy of reading - you get to infuse the characters with images from your own mind in heart. In a movie - there are real people up there.

So - the movie Bella seemed like a leap to me.

I am all about starting from where you are.  That’s what “Riffing” is all about - starting from where you are and what you feel - NOW.

So, let’s look at the leap WE want to make - from Doing defensive, run by old patterns, afraid of intimacy, blocked from receiving love and gestures of caring and even help and rescue “things” - to Being soft, available, open, strong inside, confident, and willing to let an amazing man love us, without questioning our worth.

How to get there?

1. Start HERE.  You are where you are.  Take stock.  If the most amazing man in the world showed up and wanted you…how would you feel?  How would you act?  Imagine it. Feel all the “good” and “not-so-good” feelings.

2. Now imagine you have utter confidence, you see him as a person just like yourself, you believe in your strengths and your fabulous qualities, you are a movie heroine, you are fearless, you are filled with wonder, you can handle surprise, you can make decisions, you are your own superhero, you are your own rescuer, and you can allow this man to rescue you, too.

Go ahead and have fun with this. Let the fantasy take you, and if it starts to take you backwards - into a memory of what might have been once, or an old story - pull yourself out and throw yourself forward into this new fantasy where you are “evolved.” Where you are where you WANT to be.

Let me know what that looks like for you.

Love, Rori