Have The Relationship You Want

I just watched the movie of Twilight (I loved it – I’m such a romantic, such a pushover) – and our heroine, Bella, is a different person than the Bella from the book.

She’s evolved, stronger, more receptive.

And the difference in the two ways of seeing this character can be a huge help to us, here.

In the book (and remember – Bella as a character is 17, but she speaks for the girl in all of us) – Bella is headstrong, argumentative, feels unworthy and so she’s defensive.  She fights falling for Edward, and every step of the way, she fights him.  She fights him wanting to carry her up a hill.  She fights him taking her anywhere or giving her anything or doing anything for her.  She fights against love in all kinds of ways.

And so her surrender to Edward – allowing him to carry her up a hill, allowing him to give to her (she rails against his rescuing of her, saying that she “wants to be the superhero sometimes”) – as all the more powerful.

In the film, Bella is so clearly brave, warm, loving, strong, smart and feels so much more worthy (they leave in just a few moments of insecurity) that her surrender has a different quality.  It seems natural, and more girlish.

The Bella of the book feels to me more like a woman who has a bit of a “chip on her shoulder” – and so she’s easier to identify with.

The Bella of the book is more “flawed” than the Bella of the movie.

The Bella of the book has more fear of closeness and intimacy and of RECEIVING than she does of death.  She’d rather be in CONTROL than anything else.  And so, surrendering to love feels huge – and we’re a bit frustrated at how difficult it is for her.

Also, in the book, she strategizes.  She tries to get information out of others through cleverness, even lying – where the movie Bella is upfront, honest, straightforward.

The book Bella is a misfit, a girl who never had even a date with a boy and always felt out of place.  You believe her when she says she’s not pretty.  Even though I knew the beautiful Kristen Stewart plays her in the movie – as I read, I pictured the book Bella as regular-looking.  I believed that she was not beautiful.

The movie Bella is the most beautiful girl anyone’s ever seen, the moment she shows up.  There is no way she could be insecure. Unconventional, perhaps, but not insecure.

It was harder for me to identify with the movie Bella, because, though she was constantly amazed by what was happening, she didn’t doubt Edward’s feelings for her.

In the book, Bella doubts his feelings constantly.  In fact, she asks him how and why he feels about her constantly.  AND – he constantly TELLS her.  He never seems to mind all her questioning.  He seems to find her insecurity charming.

In the book, Bella is so contemptuous of being the “damsel in distress” that she behaves stupidly and BECOMES the damsel in distress.

In the movie, she allows Edward to rescue her with grace, and so she BECOMES a superhero herself.  Her bravery is evident and on purpose – unlike the book Bella’s headstrong and, well, sometimes actually obnoxious self-righteousness and resistance to everything. She’s like someone you take to Disneyland who complains about the rides.

In the movie, Bella has a sense of wonder, and she trusts Edward because she believes in HERSELF.  She is actually not afraid.  Bella in the book is often pretending to not be afraid – and so she’s “contrary” to cover it up.

So – the director of the film and the actress who played Bella saw the problems in the book Bella, and evolved her.

And…strangely enough…I MISSED the book Bella as i was watching the film.

I wanted to BE like the movie Bella, but I FELT more like the book Bella.

I, as a flawed person, had difficulty identifying with the non-flawed Bella.  I know it had nothing to do with age…both of these characters are sort of “timeless.” Some of it has to do with the joy of reading – you get to infuse the characters with images from your own mind in heart. In a movie – there are real people up there.

So – the movie Bella seemed like a leap to me.

I am all about starting from where you are.  That’s what “Riffing” is all about – starting from where you are and what you feel – NOW.

So, let’s look at the leap WE want to make – from Doing defensive, run by old patterns, afraid of intimacy, blocked from receiving love and gestures of caring and even help and rescue “things” – to Being soft, available, open, strong inside, confident, and willing to let an amazing man love us, without questioning our worth.

How to get there?

1. Start HERE.  You are where you are.  Take stock.  If the most amazing man in the world showed up and wanted you…how would you feel?  How would you act?  Imagine it. Feel all the “good” and “not-so-good” feelings.

2. Now imagine you have utter confidence, you see him as a person just like yourself, you believe in your strengths and your fabulous qualities, you are a movie heroine, you are fearless, you are filled with wonder, you can handle surprise, you can make decisions, you are your own superhero, you are your own rescuer, and you can allow this man to rescue you, too.

Go ahead and have fun with this. Let the fantasy take you, and if it starts to take you backwards – into a memory of what might have been once, or an old story – pull yourself out and throw yourself forward into this new fantasy where you are “evolved.” Where you are where you WANT to be.

Let me know what that looks like for you.

Love, Rori

The Scarlett Johansson character here was the hardest for me to write about.

That’s because at her age (and into many, many years) – I could never dream of having the self-confidence she had.

Scarlett is able to feel, to Leanback, to sink into herself, to speak her feelings. She has the boundaries to let a man have it when his behavior is unconscionable, feels beautiful and sexy and enjoys that about herself – and yet has the lack of life experience and general ethics that allow her to get involved with a married man.

I didn’t like her – not because of her behavior, but because I couldn’t identify with her easily.

And part of that, I realized is that she’s the kind of girl I always admired and never thought I could be.

She was the one who only cared about herself – and so every man fell in love with her.

She was the one who didn’t take responsibility – and so every man took her under his wing.

She was the one who took another woman’s man and got away with it.

I was furious at the Bradley Cooper character for cheating on his wife with Scarlett – but I really hated Scarlett.

I hated that it was so easy for her.  She could do that.  Not only could she get him to cheat on his wife, and get him to talk about leaving his wife – she had absolutely no moral problems with the whole thing.

I really noticed that with all the comments and the women I talk to – even my friends – most seem to “blame” the Jennifer Connelly character for her bad marriage (“she pressured him into getting married before he was ready…”) and for the cheating.  And most say that the Bradley Cooper character was “using” the Scarlett character to get out of his marriage.

So, then – who exactly is the Scarlett character?  If she is a pawn in this situation – who is she?

Is she excused somehow?

Here’s my take:

We all want to be Scarlett, and yet – she was the one with the LEAST happy ending!

We all want to have a man wrapped around our fingers…and yet, because we believe we can’t on some level, we sabotage ourselves at every turn.

Scarlett is in some ways a Modern Siren.  For that – I say copy her.

She’s young and she doesn’t know what she wants long term, what she’s doing with her life is very spur-of-the-moment.  She’s focused on herself. The relationship with Bradley is also helpful to her professionally.  There are lots of reasons for her to get involved with him.

And…horrible as it is to say…sometimes the other woman DOES get the man. And she almost did.

But most of the time it ends the way it did in the movie.  Everyone alone. Regrouping time.

The Scarlett character is a message:

Don’t play with a married man.  He’s not real until he’s available.  Until then – he’s only a messenger.

And for the Scarlett character, the message he delivered over and over again is – “I will disappoint you.”

So – let’s focus on that. To me, the Scarlett character is carrying a sign saying “Disappoint Me.”

Let’s look at where YOUR sign -  “Disappoint Me” – is on YOU.

When you wake up, when you step out into the world, when you look at your online dating site email box, when you go on a date, when you give a man your phone number – are you wearing a sign on your forehead that says “Disappoint Me”?

Are you PREPARED to be disappointed?

I see that and feel that in myself sometimes every minute of every day.  It’s in the fear of looking at anything and imagining it failing.  It’s this instinctual preparation for failure – the emotional WEIGHT we put into “Plan B” that CAUSES us to subconsciously SABOTAGE ourselves. And this is what the Scarlett character does.

She SEEMS like she should have it all – looks, spirituality, talent, sexiness, emotionality and even boundaries – but inside, she’s still sabotaging herself.  She’s still somehow looking for disapointment.

So – for today – as you walk around – see where you’re actually looking for and preparing for DISAPPOINTMENT – and see if you can flip that around with the “Riff,” with grounding yourself in objects and in the present moment, and in loving yourself all day long as hard as you can.

I’ll be doing this with you – let’s see where it takes us.

Love, Rori

For me, the Drew Barrymore character here was all about Hope. (Again – Spoiler alert – I tell it all, so see the movie first…)

She was confused, challenged by the same limited understanding of men and relationships that we’ve all suffered with, made worse by all the social networking alternatives and ways of contacting – and still willing to hope.

In the end, when she meets Mr. Right – it’s not because she’s trying to pick up a guy – it’s because she has a genuine business and personal connection with this man she’s never met before, but who she recognizes from his picture.

So – how do you stay smiling and hopeful when possibility after possibility drops away?

1. Take inventory.

That means – go around your home, take a look at and write down what’s great about where you are RIGHT NOW in your life.  Find the good stuff.

AND – toss out the not-so-good.  This means clutter.

If you’re going to be hopeful, you have to clear out your brains and your environment, because it’s so easy to get sidetracked and distracted from your mission when everything looks like a “shiny new object” and everything looks like an opportunity.

So – DE-CLUTTER.  Now.

Go to one drawer or one tabletop or one desk or one surface, and start throwing things away you don’t either love or need.  Everything.  If you’re not sure, put it in one place with everything else you’re not sure about.

Do this especially in your drawers and closet.  Holding onto ANYTHING that’s no longer holding a promise of looking good on you, being in style, or a color you actually adore on you is bad for Hope.

You can take it one room at a time, or one section at a time, or one drawer at time – do the thing you feel most moved to do – the thing that seems most fun and like you could work through the quickest.

You can make a list – or just go by feel – but…and this is important…DON’T GIVE UP.

You’re going to build hope in your own house by absolutely committing to finishing the job, clearing the decks, making room for…whatever shows up.

Now…

2. Go shopping.

This means food, necessities, and one pretty thing that’s very inexpensive, like a new pair of panties.

I want you to look around at all the things, all the colors, all the packages, all the so many things you could not even keep track of, and see this all as opportunity.  See that there are things in the store you can’t see from where you’re standing.  that from the egg section you can’t see the olives, and from the lingerie section you can’t see the shoes.

Essentially – all you can do is HOPE that there are olives and shoes.

Now…Buy a piece of poster board, a glue stick or tape, and if you don’t have any old magazines at home, buy one that has great pictures of things you want.

3. Go home and declutter some more, and then make a vision board.

That’s pretty simple – you take the magazine apart, cut out pictures and words that move you and glue them or tape them on the poster board.

Make it pretty.

There are lots of interesting ways to make it – a feng-shui way, a triggering way – let’s just make this a HOPE way – with no ideas about “manifesting” or making it happen.

Just look at it like a lovely vision and something you want, and enjoy it as much as you possibly can.

Put it somewhere you can see it all the time – and really imagine what it would be like to have each and every thing on it – to live that life…

Smile at it.

If you start feeling complaining and upset coming up because you don’t yet have all these things – just smile at yourself and the vision board, tilt your head, and say – I will!

Try it – think of the Drew Barrymore character and her happy ending.  I know you will have your Happy Ever After, too.

Love, Rori

For Ginnifer Goodwin’s character, I was torn between two words: Desire and Determination.

Desire feels good, it’s sexy.

Determination feels masculine – and yet that’s what made her character so singular and charming – her refusal to give up on her dreams, her determination to get what she wanted even if it meant hearing the truth from a man – the ugly, painful truth – over and over again.

She listened, she learned, she put herself out there, she experimented, she grew.

So let’s call this Tool “Determination in the service of Desire”:

1. Write out what you want.  Write it with DESIRE.

NOT some small, immediate goal like – I want him to call more often – in fact, absolutely NOTHING about a specific man – but like “I Desire that feeling of being touched and loved and at ease with myself.” “I Desire that feeling of security and comfort and excitement and being ‘first’ in a relationship.”

2. Now – feel what that Desire feels like.  Use the Riff Tool if you like – to stay focused on your body sensations and stay out of your thoughts.

See if you can turn yourself on with your Desire.

Notice if you’re fighting your Desire or pushing and leaning forward into it – or SINKING DOWN INTO IT (what I want for you…)

Now…

3. Add in some Determination.

See if you can formulate that in your mind without tightening your body.

It might feel tricky – like every time you move to an “I want this and I won’t stop wanting it, so I’m willing to experience and experiment and love myself like crazy until it shows up…” mindset, you trigger yourself into a spinning of the head.

So – just keep talking to yourself over and over, until you feel a pleasant tingle of Desire for your Determination!

Yep – see if you can sink down into your Determination – so it feels like a rock in you instead of a motor running…

…like this plant is sinking down into the soil…

Go ahead and imagine yourself holding yourself in your hands, like in this picture, and allowing yourself to sink down into the nurturing soil, to root yourself, to plant yourself…

4. Try it out there in the world.

Whenever you feel your motor running and your head spinning and find yourself Leaning Forward into something, locate your Desire and Determination, sink INTO them, and see if you can allow yourself to feel PLEASURE at the solid, rock-like, tree-like energy in you that is this Determination that comes from your Desire.

The Ginnifer Goodwin character actually throws herself at the Justin Long character – once.

And then, she learns.  She expresses her Determination and her Desire to him from a very clear place, and then she Circular Dates until – when he finally shows up – she’s Leaned Back.

She’s SUNK IN – very sure of her Desire and very Determined to see it through.

This is a very positive, happy image for me – I hope it works well for you, too.

Love, Rori