Archive for the 'Long-Distance Relationships' Category

Dropping The Relationship Ball And Seeing If He Picks It Up

Here’s a letter from a great client who’s long-distance boyfriend put her at emotional arms-length because – he said – he didn’t like all the anger and fighting between them.

So – she’s quite brilliantly working on many Tools and things she can shift.

In this letter, she talks about :

***Dropping the Ball (she’s been pretty-much engineering, managing, and CARRYING the “ball” of the relationship)

***Using Feeling Messages and catching and expressing her anger so much more quickly…

“Hi Rori

I’m confused today. I’ve been using feeling messages with Bill, we haven’t fought in almost 3 weeks now – and he hasn’t contacted me since Tuesday morning. This is the longest we’ve ever gone without contact. So some things are better yet …

I don’t know what to do. Maybe I’m just being impatient and want our full relationship back now after making all these changes.
“Relationship tempo…” – I remember Christian Carter talking about this. And that we need more feel good moments. And they’ve been happening More…

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How to Keep From Investing in the First Date if You’re Long-Distance

In this age of internet and long-distance dating – this letter from Vickie struck me as powerful:

“Hello Rori,
Your dating advice has been AWESOME–so awesome that I’ve met someone who has all of the qualities I look for in a man. And the wonderful thing is that I’ve used your Circular Dating technique to help myself from falling head-over-heals and falling into the “instant relationship” mode, which was my past behavior. He is actually doing the pursuing, and I’m just sitting back and letting him! I’m amazed at how relaxed and carefree I’ve been in our “getting-to-know-each other” phase of the relationship. Now, however, I need your advice.

I’ve been chatting with him online now for about a month. He lives about 1000 miles away, and we will be meeting face-to-face for the first time More…

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Stay Out of the Long Distance Relationship Trap

Long distance is too hard. I don’t wish that for any of you.  If you’ve married a career armed forces man – you will always be far away from him at one time or another.  If you’ve married a pilot, you will miss him much of the time.

If you’ve made the decision to marry a man where long-distance is built into the relationship – I so wish you luck and love – and I’m grateful to you for being a woman who can handle that, because we need our pilots and our servicemen.

I’ll help you make the best of that situation as you write to me…

BUT – if you’re making a decision just now about whether or not to become “the girl back home,” or the “girl who lives just over a state,” I beg you to reconsider.

This is not an easy life to choose.  And even if you feel it’s just temporary – perhaps you met him online and you’re trying to figure out how to see each other enough to create a serious relationship, or he had to find work in another city or state – the difficulty of maintaining such a thing is very, very challenging.

Here’s a letter from Kerri, who’s in the middle of trying to decide what to do:

“Rori, I have been with my boyfriend for 18 months. Over the last 4 months, he started withdrawing, so I have leaned back, stayed confident, let go of control of the relationship oars, stopped being the first to text, call, email, etc, started focusing more on me, always extra happy when he called….etc… He stopped withdrawing and seemed to be happy with where things were — the ball in his court. Then, seven weeks ago, he was called up and deployed within a two-week time span… More…

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Is He Stringing You Along?

bachelor-roses1Have you ever stayed hooked on a man, afraid to do anything that would rock the boat, even though the relationship is totally stuck?

We all have.  And I don’t want you to do that anymore.

Here’s a letter from Jeanette to start the conversation:

“Dear Rori, I am in a long distance relationship and have been for 2 years. He says he is not ready to commit. I want that but he says it takes him a while. With his first 2 marriages, he said it took him 4 years each to make the decision. Well we are 55 and 57 years old. Come on!! I don’t think it should take this long…is he just stringing me along? Please help! Jeanette”

***Jeanette, here’s my short answer: Yes and No.

Yes, he’s stringing you along…and…

No, he’s not, because he doesn’t know he’s doing it. He thinks you’re OKAY with this. He thinks this is “dating.” He’s “expecting” to know what he wants to do about you…sometime.

In other words — it’s not his fault that you’re stuck like this — and so what we need to do is find your ANGER — and instead of turning it on HIM, use it to get you OUT of this stuck-in-the-mud situation and COMPEL him to step up and commit.

The problem here is in your interpretation of what he says and what’s going on.

What you need to do — right now — is

1. Circular Date. In fact…I would OFFICIALLY Circular Date by putting up an online profile, getting the word out to friends that you’re dating now, and going to events and classes that interest you so you can make new friends who will lead you to more men.

The exact how-tos of how to USE Circular Dating (even if you’re not technically “dating” right away) are in my Targeting Mr. Right program, and there are lots of free Tools around it on this blog…

The very fact that you would stay in a long-distance relationship this long with a man who has clearly told you he’s not ready to commit to you tells me that you’re terrified of real intimacy and a real relationship, so…

2. The work you need to do is to get yourself ready to get deeply involved with someone who doesn’t have such “issues.”

This would be my confidence-boosting Tools and Tools for getting strong on the outside and soft on the inside and becoming a MAGNET for men just because you’re so totally IN LOVE with YOURSELF — like in Modern Siren.

3. For now, just focus on my Tool of Feeling Messages – practice delivering them NON-STOP as a way to get more connected to your most important asset – your EMOTIONS, and learn how to express them in the most appealing and good-feeling way possible.

Most men are very lonely — especially at this age — and would LOVE to marry a woman who’s confident, financially stable and affectionate. Go find those men!

4. Get your focus OFF of this particular man. He may step up, he may not…either way — it’s YOU who must go forward.

And we’re all here to HELP you…

Love, Rori

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What To Do In The Face Of NO

A bunch of comments here centered around what to do in this situation:

A man cancels on you.

Could be:

He hasn’t called even though he said he would or you hoped he would, or he makes a date and then doesn’t call to confirm or show up, or he cancels a Saturday night date, or you’ve been planning to meet for months, and he keeps getting held up by work, or his children, or, in the case of Linda G – illness (here’s one of her comments around this – and you’ll see all the responses and advice offered, especially by Mercedes).

Mercedes gave advice that was EXACTLY what any one of us would be feeling in the the situation and WANT to say to him, and she also said that I might find her course of action to be “Passive-Aggressive.”

I want to reply to all the comments and then jump off…

So – what is “passive-aggressive?”

Basically – it’s the opposite of “the Truth.”

And telling anything but the Truth will ball up your insides.

Aggressive means you are leaning forward, you have strong feelings, it encompasses a feeling of force, passion, anger, rage, exhilaration…aggression is ACTION, and it’s often propelled by hurt, desire for revenge, fear, a need to control a situation.

Passive means NO ACTION. So, here you are in a state of Action and No Action.

How can this be?

In a basketball game, you’re supposed to be “aggressive.” You “foul” the other team’s player sometimes in your action trying to get the ball to the basket. And yet, you are in control. You don’t go around hitting other players when you’re feeling especially aggressive and frustrated – so you either handle your aggression, or you “trash-talk.” if you can’t find a suitable way to be aggressive without breaking the rules – you can’t play.

If you want to play basketball, and you know you can’t push and shove your way to the basket – but the NEED and the IMPULSE to push and shove is stronger than your love of the game, and so you instinctively hold back on your aggression (don’t shoot when you have the opportunity, pass the ball rather than take control of it, don’t run into the crowd under the basket to try to get one in when you have the ball – you’re not going to be able to play. You’re going to hold yourself back. Is THIS passive-aggressive? No.

What if you feel the need to push and shove and make things happen out there on the floor, but hold yourself back because you’re afraid of fouling or breaking the rules – but the tension of that is too much for you, and so you yell at the umpires and the other players, you argue with them, you tell everyone what they’re doing wrong that’s preventing you from getting the ball in the hoop. Is THIS passive-aggressive? Yes.

Is it passive-aggressive to refrain from hitting someone when you’re really, really angry? No.

Is it passive-aggressive to say or do nothing at all when you’re really, really angry or excited? No.

is it passive-aggressive to SMILE at someone when you’re really, really angry? No, if that’s all you do.

Is it passive-aggressive to SMILE at someone and refrain from hitting them when you’re really, really angry and to TELL them what they did to make you so angry? Yes.

Passive-aggression is not just STUFFING your feelings. When you stuff down your feelings and smile when you feel murderous – that’s still just stuffing. The damage is being done inside you, in the cells of your body, in your mind, in your heart. It’s aggression turned inward. It results in depression and illness and stress and tension and emotional and physical damage.

Passive-aggression happens when we’re stuffed to the gills with our feelings, and we can’t stuff anymore, and we just have to do SOMETHING with them, to keep them from spilling out, and we do it in the only way we know, the only way we’ve seen, the only way we feel reasonably safe.

Passive aggression happens when we are stuffed to the gills with our feelings from our whole lives, and so when we’re triggered, we have to take ACTION to keep them from spilling out.

We call it passive-aggressive because it IS aggressive.

It could be complaining. It could be a nice letter telling someone what you think. It could be gossip. It could be fouling hard in the basketball game when you really don’t need to, because you’re still upset over the last call. It can be violence in a way that we hope doesn’t LOOK like violence.

It could be feeling intense sexual desire for a man, or passion for a political cause, or rapture when you see a sunset – and yet feeling that expressing those feelings by spontaneously kissing someone or screaming out at a meeting, or throwing yourself on the ground and looking up at the sky would be inappropriate, and doing something ELSE instead. Something like “teasing” the man, or quickly criticizing him. Or saying something nasty about the “opposition.” Or turning your back on the sunset and complaining in your head about the kite-flyer who’s in your way.

It could be telling a man who is saying “No” what you think about him saying No.

And – who cares if we’re passive-aggressive? I mean, what’s so bad about that?

Passive-Aggressive means you are FEELING ANGRY, but you choose to be reasonable, or pleasant, or nice, or teacher-like, as though you are lecturing.

It means, at bottom, that you’re focused on someone ELSE’S behavior – on what they’ve done and your opinion and even feeling ABOUT it, how it’s landing with you…all that. It is essentially not an expression – it’s a DEFENSE. It’s a kind of revenge. It’s a way to let off some steam without really touching what the anger is all about – while still staying in some zone where you feel okay about yourself (nice, pleasant, good, smart…)

And the ultimate effect is that it does damage to YOU. It gets you riled up. It accentuates your disappointment, and it makes you feel scuzzy because you KNOW you’re just talking about another person – and here – without even KNOWING the other person, really – and that you’re not even telling the truth about YOURSELF!

Below all the anger and disappointment and frustration is Love. The intense DESIRE to love. for the basketball player, it’s the love of the game. The feeling of exhilaration he or she has for PLAYING the game. For you and I, here, it’s the love of romance, of relationship, of connection. It’s the love of Love.

And we have to work out, in ourselves, how to tend our often boiling-over soup pot of emotions in a way that serves our love of Love. This is how we get the love we want.

Otherwise, we stay stuck in the tending.

This is where compassion helps you and judgment hurts you. Compassion for you, and compassion for everyone and everything else. And why Boundaries are necessary if you’re to go to the fullest in love and compassion.

You may be, like Mercedes, really really good at this Boundary stuff. Well – to take a step further – imagine what you could do if your boundaries were really so strong that you wouldn’t feel the need to reach out across the space that’s between us and another person and tell them ANYTHING?

What if you didn’t have to do ANYTHING to TEND to your emotional soup except be with it and speak from it?

What if you could just sit with your feelings and then let them out in a way that’s not “passive,” and that’s not “aggressive” either. (Linda G – you did this in your email version. You wanted to make contact, you wanted to respond, and you wanted to walk that wire between anger and disappointment and a desire for compassion and love.)

We want to find the place that’s not merely the easy answer – ASSERTION. (Remember Assertion Training for Women? – We can talk about that later, too…) We want to find that place that’s EXPRESSIVE.

Let’s let that concept just sit for a bit. To be neither passive, nor aggressive, nor even concerned with being assertive – but to focus on being expressive.

Let’s look at another side of this – the part that triggers us to be passive or aggressive or passive-aggressive:

If someone says to you that they are unable to be with you because they…can’t (sick, tired, overworked, exhausted, too poor, children, job, time, feeling unattractive because they’re sick, or wanting you to come to them and mother them when they’re sick…) then…they can’t.

Makes no difference if it’s “can’t” or “won’t” – and I think that’s what this discussion is about.

The answer then is always…”Sorry you ‘re (overworked, sick…), I’ll miss seeing you, and thank you for letting me know, and I have to go now (and go do something amazing from your Channeling list)…

Doesn’t matter if THEY’RE telling the truth, doesn’t matter WHAT they’re doing…the actual thing that’s happening is they are saying NO to you, you have feelings around that, and you have the urge to communicate your feelings around it.

But what you do in the face of a NO can make a huge difference in your life.

Gathering all this energy in response to a NO is very draining to your system. You can spend your life responding to NO’s – preparing for NO’s. We gear up our bodies and our hearts for Nos – and yet so many of us court them.

We put ourselves in places constantly where No’s will happen (we choose to be models or actors when we actually have more energy around rejection than we do around our love for acting or modeling, and sometimes that makes all the difference in terms of success).

We love men who don’t live anywhere near us and test the fragile bonds of connection 24/7 – hoping the magic will hold.

It’s not possible to love Love more than we feel pressed to continue our draining habits of tending to our emotional soup without loving OURSELVES most of all.

And so WE have to practice saying NO. Once WE can say no, we can start to look all the other “No’s” out there square in the face and be okay.

“Okay, so he doesn’t want to call me.”

“Okay, so he doesn’t want to see me.”

“Okay, even though the sex was fantastic, he still calls me his ‘friend.'”

“Okay, I feel riled up, my soup is in an uproar, I feel pain and hurt and disappointment and…so…

***...this doesn’t feel good.”

This doesn’t feel good.

This is your easiest, clearest way to express your feelings about getting a No.

Try saying it to yourself, and then use riffing and all your other Tools to get connected to your Soup, to get connected to your compassion for yourself, which is inextricably and forever attached, no matter how much we’d like it not to be true – to everyone else, including a man who’s wronged you or simply said “No” to you.

Go spontaneously kiss a tree, get on your feet and yell “Bravo” in a theater, and really, really look at the sunset in companionship with the kite-flyers.

No is just one more step to Yes. Keep on your road to Happy Ever After, and don’t let anyone hold you up. If he can’t or won’t walk with you – just keep walking. There’s plenty to see, plenty to feel, and so much love inside you to express and attract even more love.

Next, I’ll be talking about building Romance in your life…

Love, Rori

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What To Do If He’s Stationed Overseas in the Armed Forces – And He Isn’t Interested In Your Life At Home…

Andrea made such a powerful, frustrating comment on this blog, I wanted to do a whole post – perhaps a whole series of posts – on her situation.

Andrea’s at home, 6 months pregnant, while her husband is stationed overseas. She’s feeling emotional, needy, and missing him terribly.

She calls him several times a day and wants to talk – to share her pregnancy with him.

And he’s pulling away. 

He doesn’t want her to call so much. He’s losing interest. She feels him disengaging and doesn’t know what to do.

Andrea feels “He’s pushing me away…” (You can read Andrea’s whole comment by clicking here):

Here’s my answer:

Andrea, he is not pushing you away – YOU are pushing HIM away.

I know this is not what you want to hear, but this is what’s happening.

Part of this is just about who he is.  Some men might call you over and over, all day long, and want to hear everything about your pregnancy, but perhaps (and I’m going to research this) that really isn’t the typical profile for a soldier.

Your husband is telling you that this is how he feels: He’s overseas, in the middle of a volatile, dangerous situation, surrounded by other men. He does NOT want to be picking up his phone all the time to talk to his wife. It’s embarrassing to him, he doesn’t like it.

I don’t know where your husband is stationed, if he’s in a truly dangerous situation or not, or even if he’s under tremendous stress – though I would guess he would be. Perhaps it’s his situation that’s making it difficult for him to be there for you, and perhaps it’s just who he is, and your only option is to do what YOU can to make things better, instead of accidentally making them worse.

And right now, your anger, upset, and need of him – no matter how RIGHT you are to feel that way and to want his support –  is making everything worse.  It’s simply not getting you what you want.

You have to do the opposite of what you’re doing.

I watched a “Supernanny” episode a few weeks ago where the husband was also overseas in the Armed Forces. The wife was beside herself, nearly unable to cope with their three children on her own.  She was coming apart at the seams.

Supernanny did several things. First, she got the wife emotionally together. She got her focused on her children and focused on helping herself feel powerful.  She got her to believe in herself as a good mother, and quickly – she started to feel and act like an emotionally capable person.

She did this by changing the way she talked to her children, how she related to them. She also put a family blog up for them, so that they could talk through the blog to her husband (this would be a good way for you to post pictures, and he might like it much more than phone calls, because he can visit when HE wants). She also set up a webcam situation, so they could see each other when they talked – and the call would come through from HIM.

With these things in place, he felt more excited about getting and keeping in touch – he liked emailing, he liked reading the blog entries and commenting, and making his own posts.  He liked that it didn’t take him away from his duties or his off-duty activities with the other guys.  He liked that his buddies could participate by seeing the blog, by being in the webcam pictures – it was just way more fun for him.

The whole trick here is to give him space, and empower YOURSELF. And I know you’d think he has plenty of space, being so far away. But the truth is – you married a man in the Armed Forces. You knew what you were getting into. I know it’s hard, very, very hard, and yet you can’t marry a man with a dangerous career that requires travel and then want to take it back. You can’t turn a man who is NOT a homebody into a homebody, a regular guy who goes to the office and comes home. That is not who he is.

You CAN, however, make him WANT to talk to you more.

The way to do that is to not NEED to talk to him. You have to get so busy and happy that HE feels the need to talk to you because if he doesn’t – he’s missing out on something GREAT. Right now, he’s running from talking with you because of the need, desperation, and loneliness you’re laying on him.

I know this is harsh. I’m asking YOU to change, and not him. This is the only way to get what you want. Please talk to the other women around you in your same situation, get help and support, learn how they’re dealing with this painful separation and also with worrying about their husbands’ safety, and help each other get through this.

I wish Andrea so much luck, and if you’re in the same situation, it would be great to have you comment so we could create a community around this difficult and painful separation you’re enduring.  I’m going to do some research so that I can be a resource for all of you whose husbands are serving our country.

Love, Rori

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How To Save Your Long-Distance Relationship

Sometimes the hardest thing about long-distance relationships is when the long-distance part is over. Here’s a letter from Sarah, who’s struggling with just that:

“Dear Rori, I am Sarah. I have this wonderful guy, we are engaged, almost getting married but things went wrong and now I don’t even know the status of my relationship.

Like many other relationships, he was very sweet, attentive, kind and sensitive. He was the ideal man to be with. I don’t even need to put in effort and he loves me totally. We started off as a long distance relationship. but we made plans to visit each other at least monthly or bimonthly.

Things were going great, until I came back. Then he started off wanting personal space, he started to pull away. Now I don’t understand and I keep wanting to go near. The more I want to go near, the more irritated he is.

I made mistakes – like keep calling him, keep wanting him to meet him. But he is resisting me.

I even became the “sweet” woman, totally sweet and nice and sensitive that he is so busy with his work. And I’m so afraid of making things worse that I agree and become the submissive girlfriend. The strain has been on for about a month or so and I’m very worried. We hardly meet now, he had  canceled our dates twice.

We hardly talk on the phone. I really love him a lot, and I don’t want to lose him. I really want things to improve. I really don’t know how can I go about doing this, but the first step I will take is to start loving myself and have trust in him. Thank you, Sarah.”

Here’s my answer:

Sarah, it’s great that you want to focus on Loving Yourself – that’s a crucial place to start.

And then – instead of worrying about or working toward Trusting HIM – practice trusting YOU.

To do this – I want to help you with your ability to Receive, and the Tool that will help you the most right now is to Date Yourself. 

And I’m asking you to flirt with men. Flirt with male friends, with male co-workers, with new men who approach you out in the world, and with your fiance. You have to start fresh – as if you’re dating.

Take YOURSELF out – to lectures, art galleries, concerts, jazz places, dinner, bookstores…wherever there are people who share your interests. Dress in a way that makes YOU feel good – sexy and like a “girl.” 

At the same time – and I know this is the hard part – Leave him completely alone!

This looks like: Do not call, do not go over to his home or his work, do not ask for anything. 

This is about you focusing completely on YOU, and then appreciating HIM when he does show up. When he moves towards you, starts initiating being together, and without any prompting by you gives you affection, attention and time, you have to be completely open, warm and authentically in your true feelings – whatever they are – even if they’re filled with anger, jealousy or fear. And here’s just a bit of “Why”:

The main problem with long-distance relationships is that those of us who are in them (you and he, here) are usually in them instead of in relationships with people we can see all the time, is BECAUSE of the distance. 

In other words, if we’re afraid of intimacy, in a deep, underground place inside (and we’re ALL afraid of intimacy) we need distance. 

And what happens with many, many long distance relationships is exactly what has happened with you – they fall apart the minute both of you are able to be together. Being able to be close physically (in the same town, in the same house) – makes the deep need for distance even stronger.

And intimacy is all about feelings.  Feeling them, experiencing them, and sharing them.

That’s why it’s so important to learn to stay in touch with your true feelings (not just the “nice” ones), and learn to share them with a man in words – so YOU feel authentically and exactly who you really are – and he experiences you as authentically who you really are.

Now here’s some Tools for the “How”:

In order to bring him closer, you must re-create the distance you once had – without playing games. 

You must move away from him energetically, physically, in every other way.  This is my “Leanback” Tool. 

And at the same time, every moment that he shows up and comes toward YOU – you must be WIDE OPEN to him – leaning back and totally receptive

If all you do is the “distance” part – the turning away from him and focusing on yourself part – you’ll end up being cold, and that will push him away. 

If you continue, as you are now – to be warm and loving and yet leaning FORWARD (moving toward him, thinking about him, calling him, initiating affection and sex) – ESPECIALLY in the moments when he’s moving toward YOU – THAT will push him away. 

It’s the combination of leaning back and still being open and receiving of whatever he gives you that will make all the difference here – and I know you can do it. 

Just practice out in the world like this:

1.   Imagine him coming toward you, giving you flowers, offering gifts and love.

2.   Now, imagine leaning back, opening your palms toward him, and receiving his gifts. Feel what that feels like for him to step close and for you to do nothing but receive. Resist your instincts to move toward him, give him your love, or say nice things to him. 

      Just imagine yourself melting and receiving.

3.   Now step away from him, and turn around.  Completely turn your body around 180 degrees.

4.   Now imagine that there are hundreds of men in front of you, all who want to give to you – love, gifts, everything you want – and imagine receiving their gifts, too. 

      Imagine what it feels like to get flowers, diamonds, love, attention, affection and everything else you want from ALL these men, including your man who’s giving to your BACK right now, because you’re turned away from him. 

5.   Take all the gifts, and then turn back to your man in your imagination, but take a full step back, away from him.  Smile, open your heart and imagine him coming toward you again.

6.   Then take his gifts and just stand there.  Be aware of the hundreds of men behind you, all wanting to give to you.

7.   The next time he calls, or you see him – practice doing this.  Imagine that he’s giving you gifts, even if he isn’t, and imagine that you’re receiving.

All the practicing you’ve done in your imagination will help you!

Let me know how this works for you.  The idea is to overcome your OWN fear of intimacy – your own fears about love and your own resistance to RECEIVING – so he can overcome his fears right along with you.

Love, Rori
 

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How To Attract Him Long-Distance – Just On The Phone

When all you have is the phone, email and texts to keep in touch with the man you love, because you live in different cities or even different countries, you have to know how to use what you’ve got.

(In my Heart Connection Toolkit CD set, I teach you the Goodnight Talk, and walk you through how to do it – you can get it here, along with in-depth instructions on how to do Feeling Messages all the time: Heart Connection Toolkit) – and here are a some basics for now:

1.   Do NOT talk business, logistics, plans or run through your day, your week, your evening.  In other words – stay away from FACTS and DESCRIPTIONS.

2.   Instead, say how you FEEL about all these things.  That could sound like (all you have is the phone, remember) “I felt so thrilled when my new client came in today…” or “I felt so overwhelmed with all the papers on my desk, and now it just feels so good to hear your voice…”

Practice doing this – the Toolkit will help you tremendously – everywhere you are, all the time, with everyone, so that when it comes time to speak to your man, you’ll be able to do it without thinking.

If he calls at a regular time each day, make sure you’re relaxed, sitting (or lying down) with something soft on your body and in your lap (like a cat, dog, cup of tea or a satin pillow) and speak in Feeling Messages, even if you’re talking about travel plans.

You’re staying away from describing your life and what you want and what’s happening, and going for experiencing your life and what you want and feel and what’s happening – and then sharing that experience and those feelings about the experience.

Try it – it’s a completely different way to be with a man, even over the phone, in texts and emails – and it will get you completely different results with your man.

Everything will feel easier, smoother, juicier, sexier, closer, more intimate, more thrilling, more tingly – and he’ll call more, too!

Let me know how this works for you…

Love, Rori

 

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Ground Rules For Long-Distance…

A Long-Distance Relationship feels difficult if you and your man can really DO a real, in-person relationship.

And Long-Distance feels wonderful (in an underground, subconscious way) if you and your man have fear of intimacy and long-standing patterns of pushing love away.

In other words, some long-distance couples are happiest when apart, and fall to pieces when they actually move in together, or often never even get to the moving in together stage at all.

And some long-distance couples are happiest when they finally get together. 

Which one will your Long-Distance Relationship be? 

Will it be an amazing way to bring you and your man – who are perfect for each other -together forever from different parts of the planet? Or just another unsuccessful attempt to bring an unreachable, uncommitable, emotionally (and now physically) unavailable man to you forever?

Here are some things you must know:

1.   You CANNOT be “exclusive” with any man until you have the true commitment you want (engagement ring, actual wedding, house together, trip around the world – whatever YOU want, that means “forever” to you) – whether you’re in a “Long-Distance” relationship, or one where you see him every day. so don’t shut down your options (You can learn how to do this with “Circular Dating”  in my Commitment Blueprint program)

2.   And if you’re going to “commit” to him with an engagement ring, if it’s a Long-Distance Relationship, you’d better have a wedding date set, the city and house you’re going to live in picked out and ready for you.

Why? Because long-distance can lull you into turning an Imaginary Relationship into a Real one in your head, and you don’t want to do that to yourself.

 Next, we’ll talk about using what you have – the phone, texts, emails and occasional weekends together –  to not just keep him attracted to you – but to get closer emotionally, so you’ll know who he really is, and what kind of relationship he’s really capable of.

 

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Solving The Long-Distance Relationship Puzzle

Here’s a question – from “Alice” – to start this discussion:

“Dear Rori, Please tell me if your principles for successful relationships apply to long distance relationships. Thanks, Alice”

Okay – this is a big one.

How do you have a “relationship” with a man you only see every-once-in-awhile? How can you stay bonded to each other, keep him totally interested, and keep yourself from feeling jealous, insecure, worried, and lonely when most of your contact is by phone and email?

And the answer isn’t as simple as I’d like it to be, because, just like EVERY relationship, each long-distance relationship is different.

So, instead of trying to put all long-distance relationships into one basket, as though the quality of ‘long-distance” is what defines the relationship – let’s look at it differently.

Let’s look at YOUR relationship, which may happen to involve you seeing each other only twice a month, if that, and feeling the pressure during those moments together to have a “great” time, and dealing with all the logistics of traveling.

For starters, let’s look at the level of “commitment” in your relationship:

If you’re engaged, and trying to find a home in one of your cities or somewhere completely new – then you’re committed. That means you handle it EXACTLY the same way you would if he were here with you every single day and night.

If you’ve just met, or seen each other a few times and “clicked” – you may be tempted to see it as a “committed” relationship – even though it really isn’t. And so you may cut out your other options, go “exclusive” and otherwise bind yourself up with a man in an “Imaginary Relationship.”

I’ve seen long-distance relationships work out beautifully – when the focus is entirely on being together and the man takes real, concrete steps to either get you to his home, or come to yours, and it moves along quickly and gets to the wedding quickly.

And I’ve seen long-distance relationships drag a woman to desperation – where she gives up everything, moves to be with the man, and then the whole thing falls apart – leaving her jobless, friendless, and financially ruined.

So – let’s get some basics down here about how to do this when you have seemingly everything working against you:

1.  My Tools around ATTRACTION  (my Modern Siren program has a ton of Tools that will help you with this) are the bottom line here – he must FEEL attracted to you, even when he can’t feel you physically.  Your voice has to do it for him, his memory of you, and the words you say in your emails and texts.

2.  Long-distance relationships get bogged down in logistics – planning trips and visits, planning futures, planning everything – and this is totally NOT what you want to be doing with a man. 

3.  The times you actually get to spend with him physically, up-close and in-person, can start to feel urgent, intense – and yes, very romantic and passionate – in a way that pushes the relationship and your feelings faster than it really is going.  In other words, the intimacy is being artificially produced by the difficulty of getting together – so that when you finally DO get together, to try the relationship out for real in his city or yours, it doesn’t measure up to the intensity of the few-and-far-between visits you once had.

And often, because his true feelings and readiness for a lifelong commitment have never been tested – you find out way too late that he’s not really ready, or even ABLE to do the job of a real relationship.

Let’s explore some ways to take care of yourself, and still move the relationship forward in the next posts…let me know with your comments here what your story is, what experiences you’re having, and how I can help.

Love, Rori

 

 

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