Have The Relationship You Want

Andrea made such a powerful, frustrating comment on this blog, I wanted to do a whole post - perhaps a whole series of posts - on her situation.

Andrea’s at home, 6 months pregnant, while her husband is stationed overseas. She’s feeling emotional, needy, and missing him terribly.

She calls him several times a day and wants to talk - to share her pregnancy with him.

And he’s pulling away. 

He doesn’t want her to call so much. He’s losing interest. She feels him disengaging and doesn’t know what to do.

Andrea feels “He’s pushing me away…” (You can read Andrea’s whole comment by clicking here):

Here’s my answer:

Andrea, he is not pushing you away - YOU are pushing HIM away.

I know this is not what you want to hear, but this is what’s happening.

Part of this is just about who he is.  Some men might call you over and over, all day long, and want to hear everything about your pregnancy, but perhaps (and I’m going to research this) that really isn’t the typical profile for a soldier.

Your husband is telling you that this is how he feels: He’s overseas, in the middle of a volatile, dangerous situation, surrounded by other men. He does NOT want to be picking up his phone all the time to talk to his wife. It’s embarrassing to him, he doesn’t like it.

I don’t know where your husband is stationed, if he’s in a truly dangerous situation or not, or even if he’s under tremendous stress - though I would guess he would be. Perhaps it’s his situation that’s making it difficult for him to be there for you, and perhaps it’s just who he is, and your only option is to do what YOU can to make things better, instead of accidentally making them worse.

And right now, your anger, upset, and need of him - no matter how RIGHT you are to feel that way and to want his support -  is making everything worse.  It’s simply not getting you what you want.

You have to do the opposite of what you’re doing.

I watched a “Supernanny” episode a few weeks ago where the husband was also overseas in the Armed Forces. The wife was beside herself, nearly unable to cope with their three children on her own.  She was coming apart at the seams.

Supernanny did several things. First, she got the wife emotionally together. She got her focused on her children and focused on helping herself feel powerful.  She got her to believe in herself as a good mother, and quickly - she started to feel and act like an emotionally capable person.

She did this by changing the way she talked to her children, how she related to them. She also put a family blog up for them, so that they could talk through the blog to her husband (this would be a good way for you to post pictures, and he might like it much more than phone calls, because he can visit when HE wants). She also set up a webcam situation, so they could see each other when they talked – and the call would come through from HIM.

With these things in place, he felt more excited about getting and keeping in touch - he liked emailing, he liked reading the blog entries and commenting, and making his own posts.  He liked that it didn’t take him away from his duties or his off-duty activities with the other guys.  He liked that his buddies could participate by seeing the blog, by being in the webcam pictures - it was just way more fun for him.

The whole trick here is to give him space, and empower YOURSELF. And I know you’d think he has plenty of space, being so far away. But the truth is - you married a man in the Armed Forces. You knew what you were getting into. I know it’s hard, very, very hard, and yet you can’t marry a man with a dangerous career that requires travel and then want to take it back. You can’t turn a man who is NOT a homebody into a homebody, a regular guy who goes to the office and comes home. That is not who he is.

You CAN, however, make him WANT to talk to you more.

The way to do that is to not NEED to talk to him. You have to get so busy and happy that HE feels the need to talk to you because if he doesn’t - he’s missing out on something GREAT. Right now, he’s running from talking with you because of the need, desperation, and loneliness you’re laying on him.

I know this is harsh. I’m asking YOU to change, and not him. This is the only way to get what you want. Please talk to the other women around you in your same situation, get help and support, learn how they’re dealing with this painful separation and also with worrying about their husbands’ safety, and help each other get through this.

I wish Andrea so much luck, and if you’re in the same situation, it would be great to have you comment so we could create a community around this difficult and painful separation you’re enduring.  I’m going to do some research so that I can be a resource for all of you whose husbands are serving our country.

Love, Rori

Sometimes the hardest thing about long-distance relationships is when the long-distance part is over. Here’s a letter from Sarah, who’s struggling with just that:

“Dear Rori, I am Sarah. I have this wonderful guy, we are engaged, almost getting married but things went wrong and now I don’t even know the status of my relationship.

Like many other relationships, he was very sweet, attentive, kind and sensitive. He was the ideal man to be with. I don’t even need to put in effort and he loves me totally. We started off as a long distance relationship. but we made plans to visit each other at least monthly or bimonthly.

Things were going great, until I came back. Then he started off wanting personal space, he started to pull away. Now I don’t understand and I keep wanting to go near. The more I want to go near, the more irritated he is.

I made mistakes - like keep calling him, keep wanting him to meet him. But he is resisting me.

I even became the “sweet” woman, totally sweet and nice and sensitive that he is so busy with his work. And I’m so afraid of making things worse that I agree and become the submissive girlfriend. The strain has been on for about a month or so and I’m very worried. We hardly meet now, he had  canceled our dates twice.

We hardly talk on the phone. I really love him a lot, and I don’t want to lose him. I really want things to improve. I really don’t know how can I go about doing this, but the first step I will take is to start loving myself and have trust in him. Thank you, Sarah.”

Here’s my answer:

Sarah, it’s great that you want to focus on Loving Yourself - that’s a crucial place to start.

And then - instead of worrying about or working toward Trusting HIM - practice trusting YOU.

To do this - I want to help you with your ability to Receive, and the Tool that will help you the most right now is to Date Yourself. 

And I’m asking you to flirt with men. Flirt with male friends, with male co-workers, with new men who approach you out in the world, and with your fiance. You have to start fresh - as if you’re dating.

Take YOURSELF out - to lectures, art galleries, concerts, jazz places, dinner, bookstores…wherever there are people who share your interests. Dress in a way that makes YOU feel good - sexy and like a “girl.” 

At the same time - and I know this is the hard part - Leave him completely alone!

This looks like: Do not call, do not go over to his home or his work, do not ask for anything. 

This is about you focusing completely on YOU, and then appreciating HIM when he does show up. When he moves towards you, starts initiating being together, and without any prompting by you gives you affection, attention and time, you have to be completely open, warm and authentically in your true feelings - whatever they are - even if they’re filled with anger, jealousy or fear. And here’s just a bit of “Why”:

The main problem with long-distance relationships is that those of us who are in them (you and he, here) are usually in them instead of in relationships with people we can see all the time, is BECAUSE of the distance. 

In other words, if we’re afraid of intimacy, in a deep, underground place inside (and we’re ALL afraid of intimacy) we need distance. 

And what happens with many, many long distance relationships is exactly what has happened with you - they fall apart the minute both of you are able to be together. Being able to be close physically (in the same town, in the same house) - makes the deep need for distance even stronger.

And intimacy is all about feelings.  Feeling them, experiencing them, and sharing them.

That’s why it’s so important to learn to stay in touch with your true feelings (not just the “nice” ones), and learn to share them with a man in words - so YOU feel authentically and exactly who you really are - and he experiences you as authentically who you really are.

Now here’s some Tools for the “How”:

In order to bring him closer, you must re-create the distance you once had - without playing games. 

You must move away from him energetically, physically, in every other way.  This is my “Leanback” Tool. 

And at the same time, every moment that he shows up and comes toward YOU - you must be WIDE OPEN to him - leaning back and totally receptive. 

If all you do is the “distance” part - the turning away from him and focusing on yourself part - you’ll end up being cold, and that will push him away. 

If you continue, as you are now - to be warm and loving and yet leaning FORWARD (moving toward him, thinking about him, calling him, initiating affection and sex) - ESPECIALLY in the moments when he’s moving toward YOU - THAT will push him away. 

It’s the combination of leaning back and still being open and receiving of whatever he gives you that will make all the difference here - and I know you can do it. 

Just practice out in the world like this:

1.   Imagine him coming toward you, giving you flowers, offering gifts and love.

2.   Now, imagine leaning back, opening your palms toward him, and receiving his gifts. Feel what that feels like for him to step close and for you to do nothing but receive. Resist your instincts to move toward him, give him your love, or say nice things to him. 

      Just imagine yourself melting and receiving.

3.   Now step away from him, and turn around.  Completely turn your body around 180 degrees.

4.   Now imagine that there are hundreds of men in front of you, all who want to give to you - love, gifts, everything you want - and imagine receiving their gifts, too. 

      Imagine what it feels like to get flowers, diamonds, love, attention, affection and everything else you want from ALL these men, including your man who’s giving to your BACK right now, because you’re turned away from him. 

5.   Take all the gifts, and then turn back to your man in your imagination, but take a full step back, away from him.  Smile, open your heart and imagine him coming toward you again.

6.   Then take his gifts and just stand there.  Be aware of the hundreds of men behind you, all wanting to give to you.

7.   The next time he calls, or you see him - practice doing this.  Imagine that he’s giving you gifts, even if he isn’t, and imagine that you’re receiving.

All the practicing you’ve done in your imagination will help you!

Let me know how this works for you.  The idea is to overcome your OWN fear of intimacy - your own fears about love and your own resistance to RECEIVING - so he can overcome his fears right along with you.

Love, Rori