Here’s a letter from Carol, who’s feeling horrible with her man – and my very “tough” answer:

Hi Rori,

I have a question. My man and I were out to dinner and he made the comment that one of his top 5 loves was women. I was hurt by this comment because it made me feel unimportant and like he wants to date many women. Than after I questioned him he tells me he meant it like he loves his mom and his sisters and than I was mad because he put me on the same level as his relatives.

Then he expresses how much he loves me in the middle of this loud venue and I felt like I couldn’t talk. So we get home and he says he doesn’t feel welcome so he leaves and goes home to his house. He always leaves and never wants to work it out. I feel abandoned and that he’s just not mature enough for me to spend the time with him.

I had looked through his emails and saw that he contacted a massage therapist in hopes of a happy ending when we weren’t talking. He also sent a pic of me to his friend of me in my lingerie. So I told him about it last night because I asked him about it and he lied and said that he had never More…

Here’s part of a conversation with a client I’ll call “Toni” – where she’s moving (at the speed of light, truly…) from overfunctioning, controlling, anger-filled and resentment-filled communication, fighting, arguments, blaming…everything going wrong – to ease, harmony, smiling, affection, love, laughing…everything going WELL!

This letter is happening at the point where Toni’s making a real effort to put the Tools into practice and experiencing both great results, and the fear that ANY “change” brings…

“Hi Rori-

I wanted to send you an update. I have so much going on and I need to get it out.

Things in the relationship are up and down.

They’re really good one day, and then really bad the next. I continue to do things (on purpose and by accident) to trigger arguments. Today has been really hard because I am starting to feel a LOT of anxiety lately. More than I have felt in a really long time.

I feel scared! Scared that things won’t work out and scared that they will. It’s crazy. I want to cover it up with anger, but it’s harder to do for More…

No one is worse than I at this.

If there’s a misunderstanding, I want to help everyone understand.

If something isn’t clear – I want to clear it up.

If people look puzzled, I want to explain.

If someone is explaining something to my man and he doesn’t understand – I want to explain it.

And if I open my mouth, I’m shooting myself in the foot.

What’s the answer here?

This has nothing to do with your man, with clarity, with being a good partner – it just has to do with OUR need to explain and fix everything.

It’s our overwhelming need to make people “get it” – even if it means showing them that they’re stupid, infantile, immature, and dense at the More…

Rori,

You have this amazing ability to communicate in the way that really “gets through,” that connects. I was weeping twice during your teleseminar.

While I recognize some of the small bits from the stuff I read or heard about in other conversations, it connects those parts&pieces into a whole that feels stable enough to be able to hold me, with all of my emotional turmoil. It provides what I need – both solid theoretical context (theory makes me feel SAFE, I don’t like following advise that doesn’t really go into details about why&how something works which is how most of the people give advice – you just “should” do “this” or “that”) and the practical tools I can use.

And a great deal of the approach you lay out is simply new for me. I was searching for answers and ways to deal with my emotions a lot on the More…