Have The Relationship You Want

Okay, This is when my daughter was little, and my husband looked like Hugh Grant (he still does…the more current one is a little down the page here…)

I’ve been going back and forth whether or not to share him with you, but decided what he has to offer is more important than any privacy concerns I have (you can google him, after all). Jeff (his name is Jeffrey Levine) is a business coach with an MBA who, while he was finding that so much of the coaching would always come down to the work/life balance thing with the executives he was coaching, fell in love with working with these men on fatherhood issues.

I talked him into helping women turn their husbands into better fathers without wrecking their marriages…and so he wrote a book specifically for women, and started coaching women (he has free newsletters, too…) about how to INFLUENCE men.

Here’s one of his articles, and if you’re curious about him, here’s his blog - TurnHimIntoABetterDad.com/blog. You can get his free newsletters there, and comment and ask him questions - he’ll answer you. We actually NEVER talk about what I do and what I write, or about the coaching and writing he does (I’ve asked him NOT to read my eletters or blog posts) — so when I read his book to proof it, I was shocked to see my own ideas and Tools coming from the other side - a man’s side - and the man I was living with’s side to boot. Very weird. Here he’s talking about…basically, how to talk to a man…(I picked it up from his blog)

Forget The Story, Just Tell The Truth

I recently read a book called “A Whole New Mind – Why Right-Brainers Will Rule The Future.” It’s a terrific read and I highly recommend it. Among other things, the author Daniel Pink talks about the power of “story” – how telling a story enables you to communicate in a way that your fellow humans naturally understand.

However, in the arena of relationships, telling a story rarely helps the situation. In fact, I advise my clients to steer clear of their story because it’s your story that’ll get you into trouble. When you remove the story completely, you’ll have a far greater chance of being heard.

Guys often aren’t great listeners as it is – and when you launch into a story there’s more of a chance that he’ll hear it as judgment and blaming. You see, the problem is, even if you mean what you’re saying in your story, guys think that you’re “making stuff up.”

I recommend that you strip the story from your communication and instead focus on expressing your truth – cleanly and clearly – without the story.

Let’s look at a simple situation:

Your husband has agreed to fix that broken cabinet door for months. You’re worried that your toddler or dog is going to get in there and it could be potentially dangerous. Despite his promises to handle it, another weekend passes and it’s not done.

What might the story look like? It might include phrases like this: “You’ve been saying for months that you’re going to fix it and still haven’t. I wish I could rely on you but I can’t.” (finger pointing and blaming) “You know, your son could get stuck in there and get really hurt” (making stuff up) “Just like when you said you’d trim the trees and fix the pool – just another example of you not keeping your word. You’re unreliable.” (judgment) “How many times have we talked about this?” (guilt)

Your story is your attempt to build your case and in some cases justify your anger. But the truth is, you don’t need to justify it – you’re entitled to your anger and your disappointment in him. The question is, how do you enroll him in making a change?

Not by blaming him.

Not by telling him a story about his past failures.

The only chance you have of shifting his behavior and helping be a better dad and husband is by communicating your feelings in a direct, clear and non-judgmental way. That’s the only thing that’ll work.

Here’s How To Do It

“Tom, I know you’ve been busy. And there’s something I need to share with you. I’m having a problem and I don’t know exactly how to express this. Is now a good time for us to talk?”

You’ve set the table that the conversation might be challenging, and you’ve asked permission to have the conversation now, or to find a better time.

You continue: “Tom, I really rely on you, I realize that. And when I need you to handle something in the house, and you don’t do it, I don’t know how to express it to you in a way that doesn’t start a fight.”

Do you see how this gets the conversation off on a completely different foot than if you told your story?

Then ask in a direct, clear way for what you want: “Tom, I’m not going to feel comfortable until the cabinet’s fixed, so I really need for you to fix it within the next couple of days. If you can’t please let me know so I can hire a handyman to do it.”

Forget the story. Speak your truth without blame and judgment.

Jeffrey

Wanted to print this comment by Terry with my short answer…and then jump into a post all about this  (Terry is answering Shannon’s response to another comment…you can read the whole exchange here->):

“Wow, thanks Rori! I feel tears streaming down my face after reading your answer. Your support is just the confidence booster I needed. I tend to second guess myself. Thanks for explaining about the muddy water/clear water. That’s exactly how it feels to me. I feel relaxed now knowing that I’m growing. : )

Shannon, well to be honest, I didn’t really do much of anything with the Circular Dating. First, my date had asked me to a dance and he is somewhat of a social butterfly. (That feels perfectly fine to me. I love his social skills and I feel attracted to that quality about him.) So, when he decided to go socialize around the room, I told myself “Ok, here’s your chance, Terry. Time to use a skill you just learned!” I used the “turnaround” tool.

Instead of watching where my date was going, who he was going to talk to, etc., I completely turned away from him. I took a slow, deep breath (because this felt scary), leaned back with palms open, felt a big smile come across my face, and scanned the room at all the men. I knew some of them, many I didn’t. Most of the men had dates.

Shannon, it was amazing. Three of them took turns coming over to talk to me and they had all brought dates! I felt my heart racing a bit, but then I started to really feel empowered. I looked directly into their eyes when they spoke. I kept leaning back, kept smiling. After this happened the third time, I felt an arm slide around my waist. It was my date, looking a bit irritated at all the attention I was getting. I felt great!

My date then kept getting me drinks and food. He also kept me on the dance floor a long time. During the next band break, my date went to get something to drink. I went up to the stage to look at the musical equipment, because I’m also a musician. Just then a band member came over to talk to me. I told him how excited I felt over seeing his instrument, because I felt drawn to maybe buying the same one. He instantly began giving me a demo. I nodded a lot, used ‘umm hmms’ and ‘ooohs’, and thanked him for the lesson. I told him I felt better educated on the topic.

Just then I felt someone watching me. Sure enough, my date (the same guy who disappeared on me 4 months ago) was glaring at me and this other musician. After that, my guy didn’t seem to feel the need to work the room anymore. He stayed by me the rest of the night. Amazing! I used lots of positive feeling messages with my date, too.

I was also careful to keep my boundaries. At the end of the evening I felt him wanting a make-out session. I told him I only felt comfortable kissing and holding each other, but that’s all. I didn’t feel ready for more yet. He smiled and complied.

Here’s  my note:

Terry, talk about fast results!

And you did all this from your INSIDE.  BRAVA to you!!!!!!

Just keep doing what you’re doing, and now - because you’ve had some great results - you have a new wrinkle: you’re going to have to be very aware of the “Be Surprised” part of the Rori Raye Mantra so you don’t instinctively start focusing on the results.

This is a traditional, classic actor’s issue.

The first take is spontaneous, it just happens.  After that - you want to RECREATE the magic that resulted.

But you have more and more “takes.”

The director wants it done over and over because of the light, the camera, etc.

The actor starts trying to remember what they did that worked, and then it becomes stiff, forced, planned.

The goal here for all of us is to just experience and use the Tools fresh and new each time - let past results go out of your head and heart and body, and just look for the new messages, the new lessons, the new experiences.

Terry - you go, girl!

Love, Rori