Have The Relationship You Want

It always amazes me – but every single woman who comes to me and who I work with as a client is drop-dead gorgeous. Smart. Talented – many accomplished in their fields, as Alice, in this letter she sent me, is.

I often work with women who are very high-profile – who are actually on-stage and public, and yet do not value themselves at all.

They still find themselves crawling on the floor after a man.

How can this be? Here’s Alice’s letter:

“I guess I have to forget about him, hard as it is to do.

On Nov. 29th he was over here having a grand old time dining on the feast I prepared for his Thanksgiving time with me, he spoke of getting me a new TV for Xmas, about how we would look at a problem in my home next weekend when he was coming over, he said he was in love with me, and left with really nice vibes and food.

Next day he called to further rave about everything, and we told each other we were sweethearts. I asked him if he’d gotten any more weird emails (from the x gf who’d thrown him out a couple of times in the past, and had begun emailing things to him in effort to get him back “as a friend,” that they “had a bond”) and he said “no, that was nothing – ” regarding her having begun emailing more and more More…

Here’s an issue I hear about all the time, and it’s very, very challenging, so let’s go into it.

“Rori, This is a tough one for me because I make more than twice as much money than my boyfriend. Yes, I said boyfriend. He practically begged me to be his girlfriend about a year ago and I finally said yes. Now, he works too much and spends less time with me so I’m thinking about trying circular dating. I let him take me out on a nice date occasionally where he pays. I know it makes him feel good and I try not to feel bad about it.

The bigger issue is that I wonder how we will ever integrate our lives. I’m not sure I want to be married again. I have a young daughter so I have to consider her. I also have a nice house. He lives in a very small, not so nice apartment. My mortgage is 5 times his rent. Plus his utilities are included in his rent.

I often buy groceries and we make meals together. He buys a few from time to time but I keep my kitchen pretty well stocked so most of it comes from my pocket.

Is this okay? If we ever got married will he ever be able to feel like he can provide for me? More…

I think this issue is one that really keeps us stuck, so I want to talk about it:  How our “niceness” refuses to let us “go out” with a man who’s “pleasant” but “that’s all.”  Here’s a comment from Mary Ann about this very thing, that led to a dialogue:

“Rori, ok, so I just read your Yummy Pie tool email, and I can totally see how this works, but here’s my problem.

There was a time where I could get any man I wanted, I was younger and very attractive and much more confident. (sick how I feel so wrong to say that…like who do I think I am or was?) I found myself in many situations of having to reject men I wasn’t attracted to. I always felt guilty and sad about that and felt that maybe I was doing something to lead them on. I felt better with the guys I knew “could take it” if I changed my mind about them. I guess this is where I began accepting “less” and giving up my power.

As I write this I’m thinking about how guys would always call women “tease” if things got a bit hot but they didn’t “put out”. More guilt and there began my sleeping with men More…

I love posting “extreme” situations – where the pressure and pain and frustration and fear and anger are incredibly intense because of the circumstances. If I can help a woman in this place to pull herself out, turn things around, feel better and get some really good and happy results in her life – then it makes us all feel hopeful for our own situations.

Here’s a letter from Alice, who’s in a profoundly painful place:

“Hi Rori,

I am writing to ask you how to deal with a man who suddenly changed and turned away from me and now throws false accusations against me.

I am pregnant and when we found out, he was ok or seemed ok with it. He accepted it, cared and supported me during my first few months. When I inquired about getting married, he said that its not a good reason for getting married and that I dont have anything to worry since he will be there and can be relied upon. Last December, I went for a holiday to visit my parents for a month. He even brought me the airport. I thought everything was okay. During the last few weeks of my vacation, I could not contact him nor could I receive text messages in spite of my repeated texts.

I came home this January and I was shocked to find a woman in his house.  More…