Have The Relationship You Want

Here’s a letter from Deb – the circumstances may be different from yours – but I think push-and-pull and Deb’s emotional responses are pretty much what we all feel when we want something, but it’s not showing up the way we want it to show up:

“Hi Rori,
I have read your emails and yet I find myself in a situation that perplexes me. You see I have always set my boundaries, and always made the man pursue me, and don’t have problems attracting men until…

On New Year’s I went to a club and I met the promotional manager. Right I way I liked him; he was attractive, reserved, sweet, and seemed genuine – qualities I like. At the end of the night, he gave me his card and asked me to call him – twice. He seemed shy; not aggressive. I liked that, but I had my boundaries, and decided not to call him.

A month later I showed up there again, and he spent the entire night with me; he asked if I wanted kids, looked at me when I wasn’t, walked me to my car arm in arm – all the signs that you just feel when someone likes you and he was a gentleman too.
When he texted me a week later to come to the club again that sat night for his birthday, I smoothly replied and told him that I would try to make it, and I showed up later. BUT, to my surprise, he behaved the exact opposite of the week before – he literally ignored me; it was as if I didn’t exist.

At one point he told me he liked me and wanted to make out with me (he was drunk); I told him that I don’t do that in public, but that was the only time during the night that I saw him. At the end of the night when I was leaving, he finally approaches me. I was upset. He asked what was wrong and I said that last week he was a gentleman but that tonight he was a boy and I left. He did text me later and said, thanks for making this boy happy on his birthday. I never replied.

Two weeks passed, and my hormones were dominating. I texted him on the Saturday night that I was out (he works every Saturday) and I said it would be nice to see him after he finishes work (2am). He then asked me to call him later that night (2am) so we could meet when he was done work. I didn’t call him and just went home instead. But he called and said he wanted to come by and so he did and so we slept together. I noticed that he wouldn’t take initiative in that dept.I found it odd cuz I am used to a man being aggressive and into me in that dept.

The next morning he told me to call me and I said that he should, BUT 4 days later he didn’t call so I did. I wanted to meet him for coffee to tell him how I felt about him and find out what he was looking for so that I could know whether I should just move on. we met for coffee only when I showed up there were 2 other people there. Now he is 33 and his buddy’s younger sister and BF were there. When he left for the bathroom, she happened to tell me that he has such a good heart, but is sensitive, shy, holds things in, and that she has never seen him with a girl bcz she thinks that he was hurt in past. (He had mentioned that he hadn’t been in a relationship in about 8 years bcz his love left him for his bff cuz he had more money.)

During the course of the night, I felt like he liked me – the way his leg would brush mine, the way he would look at me. he offered to walk me 15 mins to the subway at end of night and seemed to wait for me to kiss him, but I did the cheek thing. 5 days later, I didn’t hear from him, so I called him, but he didn’t answer; I left him a text saying that I tried to call him and asked if I caught him at the wrong time – guess what – no reply, and it has been 2 days.
Ok, so why this long winded story. Well, I always have good intuition and I so felt that he was interested/attracted to me; just that feeling in your gut when you just know….but I guess I was wrong. Why was my intuition wrong? How do you know when it is right? That is what I want to know. I always have men pursuing me, checking me out, and this one guy shows no interest in an independent, intelligent woman who lives on her own and his her own career. Was he intimidated by me? or is it as simple as black or white – if he likes you he will pursue you… needed some insight… deb

Deb, here’s my answer:

It doesn’t matter.

It doesn’t matter – the “why” of what he does.

He just wasn’t doing much.

If you want a man who doesn’t do much…you found him.

You can chase him down and take his clothes off and have sex with him and call him and visit him like he’s a doll. He won’t resist you. He just doesn’t do much.

Your intuition led you to…what? It led you to a man who may feel a lot, but does nothing.

This is a feminine energy man. Nothing necessarily “bad” about him. Just…no rowing happening.

We women spend so much energy imagining a man can turn so drastically from a non-actor to an actor, from a non-rower to a rower without our having a meaningful, honest, heart-to-heart conversation with him.

What you describe here is all game playing…what you say and do (showing up late to the birthday party…asking if you called at the wrong time…when you KNOW you wanted to say a whole bunch of other things).

I’m SO thrilled you are starting to ask questions, and hope you’ll follow along with the Feeling Messages and authentic, speak-from-your-heart communication we’re working with here…it will change your love life and stop all your wondering…

Love, Rori

My husband’s away for a bit, with his family on the east coast, and I opted to stay home and create a lovely “retreat” for myself.

This morning he called, it was a nice talk, I said I miss you and he said nothing back, just kept talking about something else, then I said I love you, and he said nothing back, just went ahead talking about stuff, finishing up the call, I said “…if you don’t tell me you love me I’m going to be mad….”

He backtracked and of course said it….whewwweee….

How weird are emotions?

Lesson – never say I love you unless you’re positive you’re not expecting anything in return – which is NEVER going to happen…because More…

Here’s a letter from Jocelyn, who’s suffering through something that sounds extreme at first – but, actually is VERY, VERY common with many of my clients and women I talk to…

“Rori, I feel a little uncomfortable pouring my heart out for the world to see, but getting help is more important. It’s a little long. I apologize for that. I wanted to have seen, a little of the person, I am before stating my problems.

Since I am writing to you, you can tell I’m one of those people who need your help. I know I’m supposed to keep it short, and Ill try; but I am a very wordy person and need lots of help…and I think it would help if you know a little bit about me.  More…

This is another amazing post by Dr. Margaret Paul -

Do you sometimes feel trapped, knowing that your partner is going to blame you, when your partner says “Let’s Talk”? Do you give in or get angry and withdraw because you don’t know what else to do?
“Let’s talk tonight,” said Callie.

“Oh no, not again!” thought Darren as he gave Callie a blank stare, feeling like a deer in the headlights.

Darren knew from past experience that “Let’s talk,” meant, “Let’s talking about what you are doing wrong, and about how you are not meeting my needs, and about how hurt and unloved I feel.”

It was not that Darren was a closed man – far from it. He would have loved to talk with Callie about her own learning experiences and about his. He would have loved to talk if he felt her openness and caring about herself and him. But he hated talking with her when he knew that her focus was to get him to validate her and make her feel secure. And he knew from the tone in her voice that she was feeling abandoned due to her own self-abandonment and she was projecting this abandonment onto him.

But he felt trapped. If he said yes, he knew they would end up in a fight. If he said no, he knew Callie would be furious at him, accusing him of being closed and not working on their marriage. And Darren had never learned how to manage the loneliness and heartbreak he felt when Callie not only didn’t see him, but was angry and blaming toward him. So sometimes he would angrily walk away, saying that he didn’t want to talk, and other times he would give in, talking in the hopes that he could say the right thing that would pacify Callie. Which, of course, never happened.

“It doesn’t work to talk and it doesn’t work to not talk,” said Darren in our phone session. “I end up feeling trapped and awful either way. I don’t know what to do.”

“Darren, I know from past sessions that you feel lonely and heartbroken when Callie doesn’t see what an open and loving man you are – like you are with your sons and your friends. I know that you keep defending yourself to try to get her to see you, but it never works. But the real problem is that you are not seeing you.

You are not seeing your own feelings if loneliness and heartache when Callie treats you unlovingly, nor are you moving into compassion for your own feelings – which means being very kind and gentle toward yourself. Instead you either give yourself up or leave in anger. In neither case are you taking responsibility for your own feelings. There is no chance of Callie seeing you when you are not seeing you.”

If Darren learned to see himself and move into compassion for his own feelings, he would then be able to take loving action for himself, which would be to disengage from Callie without anger, engaging in talking with her only when he experienced her as being open to learning. Until he did this for himself, their dysfunctional system would continue as it is, with Callie pulling on Darren and Darren giving in or resisting.

“Darren, the way out of this relationship trap is to be focused on taking loving care of yourself – of your own feelings, rather than trying to control Callie by giving yourself up or leaving in anger. As long as you are trying to convince her that you are a good guy and try to get her approval, or resist being controlled by her, you will continue to feel trapped. Only when you give yourself the approval you are seeking from her will you attain emotional freedom.”

It is not easy to move out of trying to control your partner or not be controlled and into true loving action toward yourself, but it is the only way out of a dysfunctional relationship system.

I thought this is so spectacular because margaret is writing for the MAN in this situation…

See if you can see yourself here as Darren – and then possibly switch and see Darren as the man you’re dealing with in the moment – it will give you a bigger, more expanded view of how men and women can actually be so similar in some ways  – in being emotionally sensitive and instinctively “defensive.” – and how a man’s natural wiring would instinctively shut him down faster and harder, and make him unable to even HEAR you  – much less do his job of facilitating YOU to open up.

So – back to what we’re doing here – which is learning and practicing opening up FIRST. So NO one get’s triggered to their natural defensive posture.  So NO one goes into “Stance,” and heart connection can happen.

Love, Rori