Have The Relationship You Want

How can you move forward in your life without “letting go” of him?  And still “dump him” and “stop contact”?

This is a jump off of the last post, inspired by the comments. Here are two that sparked me:

Erika said:
“…sometimes if I ignore a guy, I actually end up thinking about him MORE. It feels all unresolved.”

Then JasonSavage said:
“I advocate resolve through actively ignoring him and simple acts of symbolic detachment.”

And Daria, too, talks about really loving having men around her and feeling good about it.

The thing here is this - J, in the letter that started the original post, does NOT feel good with the “ex” who’s contacting her at this moment.  The idea of friendship is NOT clear and easy and about …friends.  It’s all clouded and complex and involves all kinds of triggers.  And this was not a Circular Dating relationship - this was BEFORE J figured out how to Circular Date - this was an exclusive relationship with sex.  And she still feels attached and emotional - as would almost ALL of us.

I often agree with Jason on most of this -  and though it’s a very harsh view coming from me, but you can see from Jason how a man sees ANY response we make to a man — no matter what we say, if we respond, the “friendship” is “on.”

What I’m going to add to this conversation is about what Erika calls “resolve.”  This is the same as what I call “closure” - and you know I don’t believe in closure.

This is the shocking, provoking part of what I say around this kind of thing:

Don’t even TRY to IMAGINE closure.  Forget closure.  Forget resolution.  Forget tying things up in a nice bundle, all knots untied, everything smoothed out.

This is just not part of having a real, PASSIONATE life.

Needing closure is something we women have absolutely been trained for.

We are perfectionist in many ways, managing things - so much of it comes from our genes - the need to cook, watch the fire, listen for the baby, and ward off intruders all at the same time.

This need for closure is, I believe - at the bottom of all our womanly stress.

So, I also say, forget about the whole concept of “letting go.”  It’s just not a viable image.

For me - (and I have a bunch of posts on this…most with horses in the pictures…) the idea is to keep moving down your own road, stick on your path, stay with your horse, keep moving, expanding, breathing, going deeper and deeper into your feelings and your life, becoming more and more passionate about life itself - and just not allowing ANYTHING to distract you.  Not allowing anything to “capture” you and throw you off balance and off course.

You can take a memory of a man with you down your road.  You can dream about him when you sleep.  You can take from what you had with him that makes you feel good and helps you understand yourself, that helps you riff and process and expand.

To do this - you DON’T NEED HIM TO BE AROUND IN REAL LIFE.

I’m going to say that again.  Once a man has outlived his usefulness in his concrete, human form - once his presence makes you go backwards and into your head and out of your body and feeling not good about yourself - you don’t want him around.  Period.  You’re done.  He’s history.

But that doesn’t mean he’s left the planet, or left your psyche.

He might still be in your rock band, or in your theater company, or at your yoga class, or sweating next to you at your gym, or sitting next to you at your work.  He might be the father of your children. He might be a superstar you see on billboards and hear about from friends and strangers every day.  He could be your lawyer, or your coach, or your children’s friend’s father.

It doesn’t mean he has nothing to offer you - even if it’s only a reminder of what you DON’T want.

And it doesn’t mean you have to be especially nice to him, or welcoming, or reasonable.

And it doesn’t mean you have to notice him much, or think about him, or wonder about him, or talk about him.

It just means he’s there.  He still lives and breathes.

It’s not about “reality.”  It’s about “energy.”

And this isn’t hocus-pocus or magic, because it’s not about HIS energy - it’s about YOURS.

The simple truth is - if you stop FIGHTING your feelings for him and pull toward him, and thoughts about him - and simply REFOCUS your mind, body and heart around something NEW - something that FEELS GOOD - something that’s MEANINGFUL to you - it will overpower the energy you’re showering on this undeserving man.

So - instead of rituals and symbolic acts to LET GO of him (because then it’s STILL all about HIM…) what we need here is rituals and symbolic acts to hang onto, hold onto, embrace, worship and adore OURSELVES.

The result we’re going for is not to free HIM - but to free US.

Can you imagine what that would look like and feel like?

What would it look like and feel like to feel free as a bird around your thoughts and feelings about a man?  To be able to do what makes you happy even though thoughts of him and about him continue to intrude?

I guarantee you that if you find things to immerse yourself in - things that capture your attention in a wonderful, fulfilling and satisfying way…they will way outshine any man’s old, worn-out pull on you.  Your light will expose the shabbiness of the man, the obsolescence of him.

You’ll start to feel this:  “Done.”

It’s not about “over.”  It’s not about “forgetting.”  It’s not about “Letting Go” so you “don’t” have a mental, physical or emotional experience around him when he isn’t actually there.  It’s about just getting so passionate about yourself and what you love in life that you become bored by him.

Most of the time, a man who is not good for us came into our lives for one reason:  We invited him in as a “do-over.”

It could be a do-over of our childhoods, when the only way we could get love and attention was by working our butts off.

It could be a do-over of a trauma where we felt helpless to take care of ourselves.

It could be a do-over of a mistake that feels desperately like it needs “closure” and “mastery.”

Forget about all that.

Instead - focus on being kind to yourself.  Focus on what you like.  On what makes you feel good.  Do that.  Think that. Take yourself there.

Erika talks a lot about EFT - Emotional Freedom Technique, and I love the technique too - here’s one little piece of it I’m going to apply to this post:

Say to yourself: “Even though I feel attached to this man and drawn to have closure with him, I deeply and profoundly love and accept myself.”

Then get back on your horse and ride - with him or without him, whether he’s hanging onto the saddle, gripping you for dear life, or trying to get you to stop and let him on, or whether you’re holding him with one hand behind you as you ride on.

The important thing is NOT what HE’S doing, or where HE is.

The important thing is that YOU are RIDING ON!!!

Love, Rori

We’ve been talking so much about dating - I wanted to talk about what happens in a long-term relationship, a marriage - when the connection gets so damaged it dies.  Here’s a letter from Jane:

“Rori, My marriage is dead. I am sad to say I don’t even know if I want to try and revive it. It seems impossible. I have changed so much after 19 years and I am a completely different woman and I feel I have outgrown him. We have 3 kids and that’s what keeps me here. I don’t have a job or a degree either and so I feel trapped. Jane”

And here’s my answer:

Basically - you’ve answered your own question.

First - Getting a part time job, or working towards a degree or some training for a job or business you would like (you can do it online or in the evenings) is the steps that will make you feel the best. Once you are no longer so dependent on your husband and have something outside the home you’re interested in - things will change for you.

This is basic “Purpose on the Planet” (from my friend Phyllis Chase, on my Commitment Blueprint program) exploration for you to do.  This is my “Out The Window” Tool.

It’s absolutely essential to have your own life, your own happiness, before you can connect or reconnect with another person.

It builds your confidence.  It makes you feel grounded.  It changes your “vibe” hugely and quickly.

Being focused on your children isn’t enough (I know - I fell into that one myself - which is why I found myself up all night nearly every night writing my novels.  I had a “calling” - and so do YOU).  This is about you’re exploring what it is you love to do, what makes you feel good inside, and then DOING that thing and discovering how to do it, and the pure sheer enjoyment of it.

And as you enjoy what you’re doing (and yes - this is in a Masculine “doing” sense) you’ll start to feel successful in your life - and - something happens then.  You start to become successful out in the world!

This is where you find WORK that has to do with what you feel GOOD at, and what you enjoy.

My husband is a business coach for entrepreneurs, and I know from watching him and following his work and teleclasses that ALL of us so easily pigeon-hole ourselves.  We are almost WIRED to be STUCK.  Stuck in all kinds of ways.

We find it hard to MOVE.  We find it hard to get out of our comfort zones, even though those comfort zones are all about PAIN.

My Tools are baby-steps to get you moving out of that comfort zone slowly, and then as quickly as you can - so you’re leaping out of it and discovering some real joy in that.

My husband’s clients instinctively don’t want to “do the work” required to become successful - and that’s why he coaches - his job is to light a fire under a business “wanna-be” and hold their hand and take them through the process of getting a good job that pleases them or starting a business that actually makes money.

if you feel unsuccessful at that - if you have no means of supporting yourself, it so totally damages your self-esteem, that all we feel towards a man who’s supporting us financially but not giving us what we need emotionally is RESENTMENT - right along with feeling grateful.  And that’s just a majorly horrific combo: resentment/gratefulness.

In an atmosphere of resentment (that we desperately try to balance by tuning into our gratefulness) - we completely BLOCK all emotional connection.  We just can’t break through the wall of fear we put up for ourselves - that even an honest CONVERSATION with a man could lead to disaster.

People would rather cheat on their spouses than truthfully talk about what’s going on in the marriage. That really shows you where the fear is.  Even the most brave of us - where love and security is concerned - would often rather lie than take a chance with the truth.

And the lie destroys our sense of well-being.

Jane - you’re living a lie, and that’s making you feel horrible.

Whether you’ve actually “outgrown” your husband is not even the point, here.

Sometimes, I think I’m more “evolved” than my husband.  And then we sit down and have a deep conversation about a difficult issue - and I’m just so amazed at the depth of his insight and willingness to participate  that I fall in love all over again.

It’s sort of - I have my specialties.  But I have my weaknesses, too - the comfort zones where I’d rather hang out and be “judgmental” of everyone else because I’m afraid to feel what I feel or to express what i feel.

And I can tell you honestly, that if I use the right, truthful words, and I really speak what I FEEL instead of what I “think” - amazing things happen.

Often, we have a wall up with a person without even knowing we have a wall up with that person (I know this is true for me) - and when we sink into our own feelings and then speak from there - that wall comes down, and we discover we actually DO have a connection with that person.

You are still there, in that marriage - for some reason. You are being kept there by not having found work that pleases you and pays you, or going to school, or taking some kind of classes to get a degree or real information that would HELP you find work that pleases you.

Perhaps you are there until you can find that work that pleases you.

Perhaps you are there until you can break through that wall of judgment and disconnection and FEEL again.

Perhaps you are there until you can FEEL, and then SPEAK your feelings.

Perhaps you are there until the energy shifts enough for you to be able to physically touch him in a connected way, and for him to feel invited to touch you.

Once you’ve worked with these ideas, you’ll have a whole NEW set of options.  You won’t feel so trapped and stuck. You can CHOOSE this marriage or choose another option.

Often, we stop feeling. We stop feeling, and we stop talking. And we stop touching.

And we just don’t know how to start again.

We fall off our horse and don’t have the energy or the will to climb back on.  So we just stand there. We walk in circles, day in and day out.

We feel paralyzed, and then we feel comfortable feeling paralyzed. Everything comes to a standstill.

The Tools and ideas here are a start for you to put some grease in the moving parts of your life, and some juice in the engine.

Your horse is there.  Waiting patiently, stirrups ready. The landscape is new and uncharted before you. Go.

Let me know how this works for you, Love, Rori