Have The Relationship You Want

I made online friends with this incredible man, Corey Allan.  He has a terrific blog – SimpleMarriage.net, and I asked if he would write something special for us – here it is:

When you get right down to it, you hear what you expect to hear, you see what you expect to see.

Expectations change the experience.

If you walk into a conversation with a friend and expect it to be a litany of complaints about their job or relationship or the state of the world, then more than likely that’s exactly what you’ll get. At the same time, another friend could enter the same conversation with a more open approach and interest in connecting with their friend and walk away from the conversation feeling energized and excited.

So what’s the difference?

Expectation change the experience.

And this rule applies to relationships.

The patterns that infect every important relationship comes from your parents. Like it or not, the way your parents modeled marriage and family influences what you do in your own marriage and family.

If you had an affectionate relationship modeled by your parents, you will most likely carry the model forward or perhaps go to the other extreme in order to break the cycle, either way the influence is there. If your parents were good communicators when it came to the sticky topics; money, discipline/parenting styles, intimacy, then you most likely can handle the tension most people try to avoid when it comes to talking about some of the tough things in life.

If this information gets you down, don’t worry. You can change the pattern if you choose. When you understand some of the forces at work in your relationships and life, you attain the possibility of being able to have your past no longer dictate your future.

When some light is shed on this process it’s easy to see why important relationships are so much work. There are two family systems fighting to gain control of this newly formed system. Coupled with the idea that you see what you expect to see and hear what you expect to hear, no wonder there are times of conflict in your relationship.

There are many people I have worked with that are shocked at this fact. Apparently they have held on to the fairy tale version of marriage for too long. Maybe you have too. Movies and TV portray relationships as an alluring time of romance, love, laughter and joy.

You know what I mean, “and they all lived…”

If you can complete that sentence, you’ve had that illusion as well.

What do you expect from your relationship and marriage?

The onus rests on your shoulders to make the most out of your life.

If you expect things to be tough, most likely they will be. If you expect your marriage to be rocky, it will. I’m not advocating that you don’t examine reality honestly, but when you get right down to it, expectations are really just planned disappointments.

What if you change your focus or outlook on things? I’ll bet some aspects of life will begin to change as well. Problems in life and relationship are inevitable, struggling is optional.

Rather than spending a lot of time trying to change the wind in your life, adjust your sails.

Let this phrase sink in when it comes to your relationship, “I can only control me!” When you have the right view of things, you can spend less time worrying about what he is doing or why he’s not “in to you” or whatever and more time growing and improving yourself.

It’s like what Rori has written on several times before, “what you think about yourself goes a long way towards what he thinks about you.”

Try it. The next time you have a conversation or encounter with your boyfriend or husband, go into thinking “I can only handle the way I react and interact and free him to only handle himself” and see what happens. I think you may be pleasantly surprised. Let me know how it goes.

Read more from Corey at SimpleMarriage.net, and be sure to subscribe to SimpleMarriage.net’s RSS feed when you get there. Love, Rori

I’ve turned a marriage just like this one around – let’s do it for “Lost His Love”!

“Hi Rori.
My situation is my Husband had an affair with his ex girlfriend. they use to date before I met him. We’ve been Married for 16 years and we lived together for 13 years, before we got married. So we’ve been together total 29 years. I love him very much and don’t know how to win his Heart back. He said he does not know how he feels about me and thinks he is in love with this other women. He told me he care’s about me and does not want to hurt me.

I’ve told him to move out to think about what he wants, but he is still at the house with me, and still sleeping with me in the same bed. We have sex once in a great while, but yet he says he does not feel anything with me. I am so confused and hurt, and don’t know what to do any more. I keep telling him that I love him and want to fix what is wrong in our relationship, and he has not said much about it. What am I to do? ‘Lost his Love.’”

Lost His Love, Welcome – and I’m going to have to tell you the short version – which is – invest NOW, in my ebook and Modern Siren.  If you can, get Reconnect, too, it will give you a real foundation for what you’re about to do.  I hardly EVER talk about my programs – the link to my catalog page is in the right-hand corner of the blog (“to programs”), you can get them that way right now – and there’s just no other way we can move this as fast without you actually having, listening to, watching the Tools in action. They will save this marriage this WEEK – I’ve seen it happen.

So – download the ebook now, and then get Modern Siren as fast as you can.

You can do this – I’ve seen it happen over and over.  You must STOP doing everything you’re doing and change EVERYTHING about you this very minute.

Go change your hair (go as long as possible, do not cut it – but change the color – put blond in it – have the hairdresser layer it and either curl it or straighten it – just so YOU feel different)

Go to Target or Ross or your nearest thrift store, even, and get tops in solid colors that are DIFFERENT. – I suggest RED – you’ll have to find the RIGHT color of red – don’t go orangy-red, go cranberry and berry red.  Get tight jeans and sexy, lacy tops.  Try skirts if you never wear them – show some SKIN. Everything needs to look good on you to YOU, so bring a friend for feedback and reassurance, or ask the men in the store what they think.  Look through magazines to help you get a feel for a new, sexy look for yourself. Get new shoes – get a pair of high heels and wear them when your man is around – just as you are about to…

GO OUT THE DOOR!! You need a class, an event, a whole schedule of fun, sexy things – try an acting class or improvisation class, or stand up comedy  class- somewhere where there will be Men – and where he KNOWS there will be men.  Go out for coffee with these new friends you’ll make.  Come home late.

Okay – I’m totally serious about this – do this today!!!

Remember – this is not about being sexy for HIM – this is about being sexy for YOURSELF – and for OTHER MEN. Yes – other men. You’re going to have to flirt, you’re going to have to get validation and feel attractive to other men out there, you’re going to have to up your self-esteem and your Degree of Difficulty. You have to learn Strong Surrender.

You’re going to have to throw yourself out in the world and be HAPPY – and feel completely unconcerned about him – in other words you’re HAPPY to feel free and experience all these new men out there (do NOT let your gremlins and whatever anyone else says throw you off this – you have to be on a “high” around this. Being a “sad sack” is just going to KILL whatever’s left of his attraction for you.

There’s just too much to say to do it here – but I’m feeling excited for you – because I KNOW you can do this. Go take a Pole Dancing class while you’re at it. Here’s to you! Let me know what happens after you have the book, you’ve digested it and are using ALL the Tools, and you have Siren and are effectively Circular Dating.

Now – to finish – STOP calling yourself “Lost His Love” – stop TELLING him you love him and want him back.  I don’t want you to PRETEND to feel differently – I just don’t want you to TALK ABOUT IT.

I want you to talk about all the COOL things you’re doing.  I want you to get excited about things that have nothing to do with him.  I want you to become interesting to yourself again.  I want you to pull your energy away from him and the marriage and put it on YOU.

I promise you – if you do this, for real, from the ground up, from the inside out and the outside in, you’ll see results with him within a week.  But you have to do the Tools – no amount of wishing is going to do this.  Get shopping and get out there right now!

Love, Rori

I really liked this article:

http://theoldoakswing.blogspot.com/2008/11/my-marriage-part-2-Celebrate.html – but it doesn’t exist anymore! I’ll try to get in touch with her and see if I can get it back…

Basically, the article is about Celebrating marriage, Celebrating life – Celebrating yourself, him, sharing time, thinking up ways to Celebrate everything.

Okay – the article clearly refers to a marriage where both people are engaged in Celebrating each other and the marriage.

So what if HE’S not Celebrating much at all – what if he’s hardly there, emotionally and spiritually, and maybe even physically?

What if he’s not cooperating, or going to counseling with you, or listening to you, or contributing much of anything at all, except for most of the anger, resentment, withholding and general heart-breaking activities?

Well – you know, if you’ve tried any of my Tools and read any of my work, that I’m all about Celebrating YOURSELF.  So let’s extend the idea right now – to include HIM – even if most of the time you hardly think there’s anything about him to Celebrate, and that he’s just not worth it anyway.

Start by IMAGINING that by Celebrating him, you’re HELPING yourself.  Imagine that by practicing Celebrating anything (even the soap, the wastebasket, the tissues you’re blowing your nose with, the cold you have, the food left in the pot…) you’re BUILDING your ability to RECEIVE Celebration.

How does that feel?  The whole idea of Receiving Celebration?

In other words – what if all kinds of people and molecules and air currents and plants and things are Celebrating YOU?

Let that sink in for a moment.  What if YOU are to be Celebrated?  Just for being YOU.  And What if by your Celebrating HIM, you’re opening a door?

Yes, what if, just by Celebrating everything, and by imagining that you’re being Celebrated by everything, you’re opening a magical door where Celebration begets more Celebration.  Where Celebration itself makes the party.  Where Celebrating is it’s OWN reward, it’s own gift, and is magical all by itself.

I love this idea.  I love doing it.  As I look at everything, and see everything, and experience everything as both Celebrating me and receiving my Celebration, a feeling of magic goes through me.

Notice, while you’re doing this, that Celebration has nothing to do with GIVING.

Celebrating him is NOT giving to him.  It’s a kind of Appreciation, but more than that, it ASSUMES the fact that life is a party.  That life itself is something to Celebrate.

Celebrate yourself, first, then Celebrate everything around you, including him, and let me know how it feels for you.

Love, Rori

Here’s a letter from Helene, who’s been devastated by her husband’s behavior:

“Dear Rori, My husband of twelve years wants to end our marriage.

We bought two acres together and built our dream house on it. It took two and half years of labor, and basically living our lives apart except for weekends. We agreed to live this way because it was necessary for him to stay at his present place of employment in order to help finance the project, while I stayed on the land with our animals and supervised the construction.

Exactly one week to the day after the house was finally finished, he announced to me that he wanted to end our marriage, and then later admitted that he is involved with another woman.

My heart is broken, my dreams are crushed, and I now find myself alone in an area that is somewhat risky for a woman, as it is a bit isolated. My mother just passed away, and I have no friends or family here.

My husband continues to come up on the weekends in order to work on unfinished projects. We still make love, and have actually begun to have conversations about our past problems.

He says that this other relationship is serious. I don’t know what to do.
I still love him so much, and he says that he loves me but that be wants to follow another path now.

Can you make any suggestions as to what I should do?

Feeling hopeless, Helene”

My answer:

There’s a French movie I love – “Happily Ever After” about a woman in a similar situation – she decides (perhaps being French has something with her character being able to do this) to hold onto her husband and beat out the mistress, but instead of confronting the mistress or her husband directly, or by trying to win him over in some way – she turns away from him, rents the family a house in the country, and proceeds to create a beautiful life for herself and their child, and, of course, the husband comes along. 

He’s totally re-captivated by this woman who is his wife, who is interesting, is fulfilling herself, is doing what makes her happy and not depending on him for fun and fulfillment, and so he drops his mistress and …happily ever after.

Not every woman wants to do this…most of the time the pain and anger you feel is so huge you can’t even imagine staying with him.  But after many, many years of marriage, you may decide the marriage is worth something, and you want to fight for it. Sometimes you have no options left in the relationship (another movie – “Under The Tuscan Sun”), and yet it sounds like Helene still may have a choice, here.

Helene – Allowing the marriage to be about weekends only for 2 and 1/2 years damaged the marriage. We don’t know yet if the damage is irreversible, though he says it is.

If you want to fight – this is what you have to do: You have to instantly - NOW – turn into a goddess, free spirit, rock star.  I mean this totally.

You must meet men – you have to start flirting, and start having coffee, lunch and dinner with other men.  If you can find a place where there are any men near your new home – do that – if you have to go to the nearest city – do that.

If there is no social life and no men where your house is, then you have a clear choice – your house or your love life.  Get out of the house and move to the city.  Now. You have to turn yourself back into the woman you were when he first fell in love with you – for these last 2 years you’ve been pretty much the caretaker of the country house – there, predictable – and your communication suffered greatly.

The keyword here is FUN.  You have to start having fun in your life right now, and he has to see it and feel it.  You have to out-fun this other woman.  You know him more than she does – you have to win him away by creating excitement and newness – and you can’t do it by trying.  You have to do it for real by changing your own outlook on this whole thing.

Otherwise, just give up, let him go, don’t sleep with him, get a lawyer, sell the house and move on.  I’ll help you with that – but don’t let yourself stay in some middle place, hping things will change.

You have to take your life in your hands, now, and make decisions for your own happiness – with or without him. Amazingly enough, this is the one best way to rescue the marriage!

You are locked in a battle for your life.  He’s just incidental right now – YOU are the star and the heroine of this movie! Build yourself a great story!

Love, Rori