Have The Relationship You Want

I get a lot of newsletters, and I’ve made so many friends among therapists and coaches, and every once in a while I see something that complements my own work…and I loved this one by Dr. Margaret Paul. Explaining is something we ALL want to do – it’s a part of our need for closure (which you know I say to just forget about) – and here, Margaret shows the link between explaining and control…

What happens when you try to explain yourself to someone who is attacking and blaming? Does it EVER work? Discover how else to communicate.

“My husband never lets me explain anything to him. It’s so frustrating! He makes these statements that are blaming and attacking and then he won’t listen to me when I’m trying to explain.”

“Why do you want to explain?”

“I NEED to explain because he is not seeing things accurately. He is making assumptions that are not accurate.”

“So you want to explain to get him to see things differently than he does.”

“Yes.”

“Isn’t this, then, a form of control? Aren’t you trying to get him to change how he sees things, or how he feels about you?”

“Well, yeah, but he doesn’t have all the information he needs.”

“So he is blaming you as his form of control, and you are explaining as your form of control – is that right?”

“Um….I don’t know. I never thought of explaining as a form of control.”

“Aren’t you trying to change his mind – change how he sees things?”

“Yes, I guess so. But is that wrong?”

“It is neither right or wrong. But is it working for you?”

“No! He won’t listen to me.”

“Do you think it is possible that he won’t listen to you because he doesn’t want to be controlled by you? He doesn’t want you trying to talk him out of how he sees things?”

“Yes. That is actually what he says. But I’m just trying to give him the facts, the truth.”

“The problem is that he does not want the facts. He is not asking you for the facts. When he is attacking and blaming, he just wants to control you. He is not interested in learning. And neither are you. You are just trying to get him to see the “facts” as you see them.”

“Oh, I see this now. But what should I do when he is attacking and blaming and not seeing me or seeing things accurately?”

“How does it feel in your heart when he attacks and blames? Take a moment to tune inside and see what your heart feels when he is so unloving to you.”

“Oh, I feel awful. I feel so angry and hurt.”

“Look under the anger and hurt feelings. What other feelings are you covering over with your anger and hurt? Tune into your heart. What do you feel in your heart?”

“……I feel sad. And helpless. I hate feeling helpless. And my heart hurts.”

“Yes, that is heartache. You feel heartache. And this is a very painful feeling, so you are covering it up with your anger. Right now, put your hands over your heart, breathing into your heart. Open to your Guidance, inviting in compassion for your heartache. Be very gentle, tender, and kind with yourself. Take a minute to do this…..Now what are you feeling?”

“I feel lighter.”

“Great. So here is what I suggest you practice. Instead of explaining and defending next time your husband attacks you and blames you, put your hand on your heart and say, ‘Your attacking energy is hurting my heart, so I’m going to go into the other room. I’d be happy to talk about it when you are ready to be open and caring.’ Then disengage and take a few minutes to bring compassion into your heart. Don’t discuss the issue until both of you are open to learning. Are you willing to try this?”

“Yes, I am. I can feel the sense of relief inside. Now that I see what you mean, I can see that explaining is never going to get me anywhere. But is there ever a time to explain?”

“Yes. When both of you are open, then you can explain things from your point of view, as well as try to understand things from his point of view. Both of you will learn new things and will likely be able to easily resolve the issue. But there is no point in explaining until both of you are open.”

Here’s a link to Margaret’s site: http://www.innerbonding.com and you can follow her “Inner Bonding” work there…

Love, Rori

Here’s a comment from Linda – (I just love dancing with my girl and boy energies – I used to struggle, and now I find it fun to make these choices to fall into “being” …and this comment is a great jumping off place…) – Linda says:

“I struggle with my “boy energy”. I have a man I want to show up on his door step… the results imaginary.  BUT…have come to the decision that I dont want a relationship that I have manipulated at all. I do want the one that he would initiate if that ever happens, that is what I want. For whatever reason, he is not able, willing, ready, or any combination of who knows what to be available for a relationship with me. That is too much thought into him and his stuff. Keeping my focus on me and what I feel is what I need to keep in from getting de-railed again. That is not productive energy.

If a man is not in front of you he is not real…. it sounds silly but it is true. It helps me when I get lost in thought wishing, hoping, dreaming… pining away for something that is not real only in my head.

Go back and read the post a few ago on the difference between girl and boy energy. It helped me discern what I was wrestling with. Doing, telling ,teaching directing is “boy” . For a take charge , keep things in order, and ducks in a row kinda woman that I am it is such a struggle to stop that and just “be”…

I hope it helps, please go read the post on the girl and boy energy. It was very helpful to me. If that man you were with wants to be your friend… in the words of Rori… Get your energy out of there…. it is hard but it can be done. Linda”

Thank you, Linda, for your lovely insights, and here’s my jump-off…

Linda, and all…I dance daily, sometimes hourly or minutely or even in bits of seconds, with my boy/girl energy.

It never stops, when you are a woman who likes being in charge and is good at it.

And that is me, just as it is with you and so many of us here.

What does happen, though, is you start to become more comfortable in girl energy, in being vulnerable, and you find throughout the day that you have many, many moments that are crossroads.  You have the choice to make — to go down the “take charge” route, or to give that up and go down the “feeling” route.

Once you start experiencing what happens when you’re just “being” – and it feels SO much better almost all of the time…your tension and stress just disappear in the experience – you just start letting go of the need to be in charge, and it just becomes easier to dance.  It becomes more fluid.  You fight yourself less.   You think about it less.

It’s like being in a bathtub or shower and deciding to enjoy the warm water instead of thinking about your day, or wondering how long the hot water will hold out.  Even that’s a skill you have to practice…and that’s what the Tools are for.

We skim the surface of life because that’s what we’re taught.

As you start to sink into the feelings – even the pain – instead of fighting them…you’ll see…it get’s easier to choose being over doing, and then…you have more energy for doing when it’s the choice you want to make!

Love, Rori

I’m almost at the end of the book, and then I’ll quickly pick up the sequel. Twilight is for “girls” – the heroine is a teenager – and yet, for me,  it’s a timeless study of what we women are all about.

Bella, the heroine, has a soulmate kind of fantastical romance that is clearly meant to transcend time and space and be every woman’s dream.  And yet – she cannot believe he loves her.  Almost the whole first part of the book is her not believing herself “worthy.” She cannot “get” what he “sees” in her.

Because the hero is magnificent, and she considers herself “ordinary.”

It’s the classic struggle between our fantasies and our low-self-esteem.

It’s the conflict between what we want and what we believe we deserve.

And throughout the book, she puts herself last.  She has always served others, and that is her leading emotional trait.

And – in writing her character – the author has made sense of this by making her brave and smart, with an ability to see the whole picture and what needs to happen – even though she is sacrificing herself for others at nearly every moment.

And isn’t this the way we ALL feel inside?

Isn’t this what we women were ALL taught?

That we are to pine after the Prince – who – even if he SHOWS UP (!) – we are to believe doesn’t really want us.  We come up with all kinds of convoluted ways to explain why he’s showed up – without allowing ourselves to believe the truth – he WANTS us.

This book (I’ll rent the movie and write about it as soon as I do) – is, for me, incredibly powerful (I’ve heard the movie is even more powerful). It works in our subconscious – it’s the romance movie of all romance movies, with the standard woman meets unbelievable man who then rescues her from harm – but it’s her character that moves me (not necessarily the writing or the plot).

Here’s a girl with “issues” – she’s clumsy, can’t dance, doesn’t fit in at school, is not social, doesn’t think she’s pretty….who moves to a new town and is suddenly the belle of the ball.  All of a sudden she’s appreciated.  She’s seen for who she is – a magnetic, beautiful, interesting, brave, strong, kind woman.

AND – she can’t see it. She can’t wrap her head around the attention, the affection and interest being thrown at her.  Her mind was made up about herself, and that’s where it’s staying.

What the hero does in rescuing her is not so much the literal rescuing – but of the rescuing of her opinion of herself. In his presence, she is slowly forced – triggered – to rethink the rigid decisions she’s held onto about who and what and how she is, and how she values herself.

And she fights it tooth-and-nail.  She is a woman who wants to be the superhero as well, who wants to stand toe-to-toe with her man.  All this is good.  But she steps onto the pages of the book as a woman who cannot let herself even appear to be weak or vulnerable – a woman totally stuck in this armor of “I’m okay, I don’t need a thing…”  And then…

…the magic of the hero allows her to surrender.

So, the whole book (and I hope the movie and the entire 4-book “saga,” which I intend to read for us all) is about watching and feeling along with Bella as she learns Strong Surrender.  As she slowly keeps her strength on the inside and surrenders on the outside.

She is totally human and real – full of mistakes and positions and defenses.  And, for me, the book is about experiencing her letting these defenses come down without losing herself at the same time.

Fairy tales with the rescuing Prince are all about this, and that’s why romance stories capture us so deeply.  Not necessarily because we want to be saved, or held down, or “play small,” or defer to a man – but because we need help to surrender.  In order to surrender, we need something supremely strong to trust, to lean on, to believe in.  We can’t let go unless someone is there to catch us if we fall.

So – no wonder we all look for the Prince.  No wonder we look for the hero.  Otherwise, what is there to hang onto if we surrender?

And this is what we’re all working with.  How to surrender in the presence of a regular, fallible, clueless, difficult, confused, weak, imperfect man who is NOT the hero of our imaginings.

How to let go when we’re not sure if he’ll catch us.

This is what I want you to do.  If you can imagine that there’s something that will catch you – and that “thing” is you – “you” expanded to all the corners of the universe – you can sink into even the darkest corners of your mind and heart.

If you have a religious or spiritual faith – this will work for you – as long as you allow the presence of that feeling of faith and love to surround you, to live in you, as a completely accepting experience no matter what you do or what you think.

If you can imagine that you will be okay as you sink into the worst of your imagination, the worst and ugliest of your feelings and situation, you’ll start to feel a beginning glimmer of trust in yourself to get more and more solid, stronger, heavier, more and more trustworthy.

Essentially – yes – “The hero lies in you.”  And, yes, I know that doesn’t sound very romantic.

But it is – especially to a MAN.

So – as Bella struggles to find the hero in herself that’s strong enough to allow her to surrender to the hero outside, in her life…

…as we work to become our own hero – then that hero inside us can become a heroine, too – a girl version of the hero…and now we’re really going somewhere…

Imagine your inside hero as a very masculine, rock solid, fantastical creature. How does that feel to you? Does it allow a man to show up that you can surrender to yourself with?

Now imagine your inside heroine as a very feminine, fantastical creature.  How does that feel to you?

I want you to feel the difference.  Sometimes the feminine heroine doesn’t do the job. Sometimes it’s not enough to keep you going, keep you rescuing yourself.

And this is the key to being a goddess, being a Siren, being a Diva – your ability to embrace your masculine core of strength along with your feminine core of strength.  To embrace a masculine, action oriented you in the world, and a feminine, totally feeling you on the outside.

Bella struggles through the whole book to basically “define” what it is to be a girl, in an over-the-top situation.

It’s my opinion that every moment, for each of us, is a balancing act on a high wire.  We are constantly afraid of falling off.  We are constantly looking for someone else to save us.

For now – imagine falling off.  Let yourself fall off the wire.  Let yourself smack down on the pavement and then slowly, miraculously get up, and with a glowing smile on your face, climb to the wire again.

We’re going to explore this concept more and more, let me know how this idea works for you when you’re out there looking a man straight in the eye.

Love, Rori

It’s impossible to know what it feels like for DeAnna on the Bachelorette. The stress must be intense, and the pool of men she has to choose from are not amazing. At least two of the men, Jason and Jeremy, seem like actual grown-ups, but neither seems to have the ease and masculinity it would take to forge a relationship with DeAnna – who likes to call all the shots and hang out in her masculine energy. She acts more like the hostess, telling the men where they should be, what they should do, driving to them, getting places first to greet them, and even driving them around!

Is it any wonder the man she’s most obviously attracted to – Graham, who’s sexy for sure – is the one LEAST able to even KNOW what a relationship is? Much less BE in one? Or commit to one? Or ask DeAnna to commit to HIM?

I have my fingers crossed that she’s totally aware of what’s going on, and that she’s choosing between Jason and Jeremy while holding on to the two men (Graham and Jesse) who she feels most comfortable taking all the way to the end and then dropping. She’s made this whole season about never leading anyone on the way she was led on last year, when she was the presumed favorite and then dumped.

So – what are the red flags for Jesse and Graham?

Jesse is a professional snowboard competitor, a man who travels the world, in a world where there are women groupies following his every move. Does DeAnna seem like the type of woman to pack up and follow her man across the globe, watching him compete, watching the girls surround him? Not likely.

And then Graham – a man who’s never been in a relationship that lasted more than a few months, who is almost totally focused on himself. A man who makes DeAnna feel, more than anything, a YEARNING for him (she described it as the feeling of a girlhood “crush,” with tons of chemistry.)

Okay – this is great if what you’re looking for is a fantastic affair. This is amazing stuff – these feelings. What makes these last episodes worth watching is to see whether DeAnna chooses feeling “loved” – as she described the way she feels with Jeremy – or feeling “butterflies and yearning.”

Now let’s talk about the masculine, defended parts of DeAnna’s personality that make it so difficult for a truly masculine energy man to want to be with her in a lifelong marriage, and why she seems so attracted to immature and emotionally unavailable men, and – most important – how she seems, right before our eyes, to be working through those problems with the men on the show…

Love,
Rori