Have The Relationship You Want

Here’s a piece of a comment from Roxanne  (you can read her whole comment here: )

“Rori, I have been in a relationship for over 2 yrs now. He loves me, treats me like a queen. Made commitments to me but continues to sleep over at his x girlfriends saying she is just a x and is doing secretary work only. They split over 4 yrs ago he lives out of town…So when here he stays with me 8-15 nites a month and then he also sleeps at her place when not with me. I feel like musical beds…He says he does not sleep with her or have sex but I question this. He does tell me he loves me not something he tells others…

(Note from Rori - at this point,    accepted a simple date with another man, and her man got angry…)

“I made a comment that he was free to do as he wanted - he was a free bird and so was I. If he wanted musical beds then so be it. But I would not clip his wings and I too am free…He left here angry an stomped out…Was this wrong or the dating thing since he had committed to me and we had discussed our relationship prior and I did explain to him I was confused and I needed him to help me understand his need to still sleep over there…when I am just less then a few blocks away… Did I make a mistake to try to date?

Here’s my answer:

Roxanne, the first thing I want to tweak seriously here is the order of things: 

If you’ve “agreed” to “Exclusivity,” if you’re already IN the “Girlfriend Trap” - you have to TALK first, then date.

If you HAVEN’T officially made a commitment to exclusivity - you can date first, and THEN talk.

You’ve allowed your frustration and anger (justified, yes) to run you, here.

What you have is a man who is not ready to “commit” - if commitment means to you living in the same house, perhaps even married.

Therefore - it’s an absolute TRAP for you to commit to ANY kind of exclusivity other than sexual - if that’s what you want (many women don’t require that - but that’s not me, and I don’t know too many women who could thrive in a non-exclusive sexual relationship - but I do know several, each quite amazing and unusual, yet I know it wouldn’t work for me).

You must Circular Date until you have the exact commitment you DO want.  And clearly, you don’t have the commitment you want.

Now - under your current “contract” - he’s got you as a steady girlfriend - whenever he wants you, and he can hang out with his “friend” whenever he wants to.

There’s not a man on the planet who doesn’t know what “commitment” means - it means living with YOU, not in two or three separate places - and he’s not at that stage yet.

The thing is - you can’t DATE other men out of spite.  You can’t do it to get back at him, or to ASSERT your “freedom.”  You do it for you.  So that YOU feel sane, like you’re not waiting around.  So you feel strong enough to be VERY SOFT when he DOES show up.  In other words, so you’re not ANGRY with him for living his life the way he wants to live his life right now.

If you’re angry and resentful - it’s not because of what HE’S doing - it’s because you feel you’re compromising yourself, you feel stuck, you feel like you’re committing too much of your heart and time and energy to him and not getting it in return.  It’s very important to “match” a man at the very most.  the moment you start doing and feeling MORE - you’re going to feel angry and resentful.

So - this is something you’re in control of.  Where you focus, and how you treat yourself.  If you treat yourself wonderfully, you can feel open and loving with him, and that’s what you want.

HOWEVER - you DID make the exclusivity commitment - so if you’re going to break it - and you already have, and you MUST - this is how you do it (and then I’ll tell you what to do now…):

1. You Date Yourself.  Get dressed up and go out where there are men and -

2. Flirt.  Smile, hold eyecontact, practice leaning back and Receiving.

So - you can STILL do those NOW.  And I want you to go out and do that.  It’s not about HIM - it’s to make YOU feel better, stronger, more attractive. And then -

3. You TALK to your man. Share that you’re feeling unsettled, and you know things are off and that you’ve upset him by dating, and that you feel upset and angry about where the relationship is at, and is he open to talking about it now.  (And if not now, make an appointment.)

Share that you’re “looking for the whole enchilada - that it would feel great to live with him all the time, and that until he’s ready to move out of his ex-girlfriend’s house, you’d like to keep all yur options open.”

He’ll say - “But I’m not DOING anything with her - she’s just a friend - and it’s my office” -he’ll go on and on making no sense at all to you, but perfect sense to him.

You say: “I hear you.  I hear that you love me and want to be with me, and that this living arrangement is very convenient for you, and I understand.  And what I want is a relationship where we live together, go to bed together every night, wake up together every morning, and spend our free time with each other.  I don’t want another woman in the picture. I understand that this isn’t where you’re at right now, and you’re entitled to have things the way you want. And yet, it doesn’t feel good to me to be exclusive with you under these circumstances.  I would NEVER sleep with or have sex with anyone but you, and I’m trusting that you aren’t, as you say you aren’t sleeping with (ex-girlfriend’s name here) or anyone else - and yet, I need to keep my options open for coffee dates and lunch dates, even dinner dates - so that if there’s a man out there who’d like what I want, he can find me. It just doesn’t feel good to WAIT for you in this way.”

And that’s a “Speech” - you do it one sentence at a time, and listen to him in-between your sentences - REALLY listen, at Level 2 (Listening at Level 2 is in my ebook) when he speaks.

After you get this straight, you may feel sad if he doesn’t step up right away (give him time) - but you won’t feel angry.

Your anger isn’t becasue of what he’s doing, it’s because of what YOU’RE tolerating and the effort YOU are putting out.

Please let me know if you’re in this same situation as Roxanne, I’ll reply to your comments as well.

Roxanne - try this, let me know how it works - even if all you do is just CONSIDER doing this and practice putting together a Speech.

Love, Rori

 

 

 

 

A man can betray us in many ways.

He can betray us sexually.  He can simply lie to us about how he feels.  He can have an emotional connection with another woman that takes him away from us. He can have a fantasy life that keeps him from committing fully to a deep relationship with us.

Mimi wrote a comment to my post on what to do if your man betrays you, and I wanted to use it to jump off of here…

Mimi’s husband fell “in love” with a woman at work 17 years into their 19 year marriage, and he still seems to be “mooning” over her.

Mimi is caught between wanting to save her marriage and just give up and start fresh… She said:

“I am confused because when home he tells me he loves me…How can I approach talking to my husband about this without pushing him away? Should I start looking more at other men and conclude that perhaps we should call it quits? I love him but I don’t want to share his love.”

Here’s my answer:  Mimi, ask yourself if you want to fight this and keep your marriage together, or do you want to give up?

And the weird thing - giving up is the best way to fight!

If you can continue to turn your attention to yourself, feel as great as you can, that’s the starting point.

Use the Tool in my Reconnect Your Relationship program, Change Everything - that means change your hair color and style (keep it as long as possible, no short cuts), change the clothes and colors you wear - in fact pick one color (pink, red, baby blue, lavender) and wear it ALL the time - change your makeup, do things that make you feel sexy. Show your body, wear lace, wear jewelry - whatever feels good.

A pole dancing, or erotic dancing class is a terrific, fun way to really “get into yourself.”  (Remember - this isn’t for HIM, it’s for YOU.)

And FLIRT.  You don’t have to actually go out with other men to talk to them in public places, to allow them to come up to you and start conversations, to flirt at parties. 

Get mysterious by really having fun on your own.  I’m not talking about lectures at the library, I’m talking about dancing, art openings, walks at the beach. 

This will all change how you feel about YOU, and it will start to turn you into the MOST desireable woman - you’ll get a higher Degree of Difficulty, and that’s your best chance of turning things around.

In a way - he has to look at you fresh.

How does this look like “giving up?”  Because it has nothing to do with HIM.  You’re not talking to him about repairing the relationship, you’re not asking him to not think about this woman, or not write emails to himself - you’re focused on YOU.

And, at the same time, you feel the way you feel.  You don’t pretend to be all chipper and happy and upbeat.  If you’re feeling upset and sad, then feel those things - just don’t engage him in a conversation about it, unless he asks.

I know this is the complete opposite of what we all instinctively want to do.  We want to simply go to our man, shake him, and make him do and feel what we want him to do and feel.  And we can’t.  It doesn’t work.

The way to attract a man in a situation like this is to move AWAY from him, not TOWARD him.  And at the same time, whenever he DOES come toward you - that’s the time to be open, adventurous, loving, flirty and warm.  It’s NOT the time to show your anger and distress by attacking him or trying to get him to do something or to understand you.

Being open, adventurous, loving, flirty and warm means you feel what you feel - perhaps wonderful because you’re taking such good care of yourself and having so much fun, perhaps sad and angry because you miss him in the relationship.

No matter what you’re feeling - you WELCOME him INTO your feelings.  You open your heart, let him see whatever’s going on there, let him talk, let him do and say what he does and says, and you respond from your heart.

That could look like: “It feels good to be lying here with you.”

It could also look like “I was feeling so angry and sad, I wasn’t sure if I wanted to even let you near me…and it feels good just to let you close…”

Good luck to Mimi, and plese let me know your story - and your thoughts - too.

Love, Rori