Have The Relationship You Want

Have you ever felt like your heart was just – lumpy, heavy, small? Not depressed, not angry, not “down,” just more like an “ache”?

When that happens to me, it’s like all I’m sewed up – like an embroidery or needlepoint. It feels like everything’s tight, nothing’s loose, and there’s an edge to every thought. And – what I really notice is I can’t put my finger on the reason for it.

I’ve figured out a way to make this work FOR me, so try it and let me know if it works for you:

I started noticing when this feeling comes on that I’ve gotten triggered by something. I might be driving home from an appointment in a neighborhood that holds lots of memories for me – good ones and some weird old ones, or I might have met someone who looks like someone I once knew – doesn’t even have to be someone who once hurt me – all that has to happen is that that person brings back the TIME, long ago, when I felt bad.

Then I noticed, when I used my Tools and started relaxing parts of my body – shoulders first – a burst of sadness would come through me. You’d think the sadness would feel worse – but it doesn’t – try it yourself. The sadness feels BETTER. It’s like a relief. It’s like you can RECOGNIZE the feeling, even if you don’t know why you’re feeling it.

And then – here’s the really cool part – instead of going back to that time, or trying to figure out what’s bothering me in my HEAD, I DELIBERATELY continue to TRIGGER MYSELF. That’s right – I make it worse.

So – if it’s the neighborhood, I’ll drive around, I’ll actually LOOK for triggers, looking to BRING OUT the feelings. I keep letting go of my shoulders and then there’s more sadness. And then I see it’s a bit gray outside…more sadness….

NOW, I’ll start talking to myself. Try it: Ask questions. Ask, “Okay, what’s going on here?” Perhaps you can put your finger on some things: “I feel nostalgic for an old time, and I’m starting to feel fear, as though I’m running backwards over my life because there’s a wall in front of me and my life’s about to end. I feel a doomsday feeling, where I don’t want to move another minute ahead in time – I just want to go back somewhere safe. Or – I’m thinking about HIM – a man who hurt me.”

Try to keep it all about FEELINGs, about sensations in your body. Really try to tune into your body instead of trying to THINK it through with your brain. You can get some great help here from my Body Dialogues in my Heart Connection Toolkit – for now just focus in on the physical and the emotional, and steer your thoughts away as you just continually “drop into” your body and your heart.

Try this today, let me know how this feels to you, and we’ll go further in the next posts…

Love,
Rori

My husband once seemed like a mystery I couldn’t solve, like a puzzle with missing pieces, and with a brick wall where his heart should be. He seemed impossible to get to know – and more important – impossible for me to show my real, true self to.

A minute ago, he walked by me with an air that reeked of “cold” to me. My first instinct is to anger – “How dare you!” I want to scream. “If you want to talk to me, come to me – don’t make me follow you around!” And then I got it…

What I “got” was that my husband going “cold” is either:

1. He’s angry and upset with me, and doesn’t know how to say it; or,
2. He’s angry and upset with something that has NOTHING to do with me.

So – the “old” me would jump right in imagining that this is all about ME. I’d go over everything that happened with us in the last 24 hours, and try to fix it by thinking up something nice to do for him – like suggesting something fun to do, or initiating affection or sex, or just plain chatting to “lighten” the mood. I’d go into “Overfunctioning” mode, which would just push him away more. (As I explain and help you with in my Have the Relationship You Want ebook, “Overfunctioning” is one of the biggest ways we push our men away).

Or – I’d get angry right back. “What right does he have to get all ‘moody’ with me?” I’d ask myself.

Sound familiar? I’d jump right into “defensive thinking.”

Now (and I’ve been able to do this since I turned my marriage around nearly 15 years ago), I just go do something for myself that feels GREAT. I breathe, I use my Tools to regain my sense of Power and get back into my body, my heart and my life.

Usually, within an hour, my husband chases ME down and starts a conversation.

Do these 5 things when you find yourself in this same situation:

1. Catch yourself wherever you are, whatever you’re thinking or feeling that’s a reaction to what your man is doing – for example: either feeling angry, defensive, frightened that he’s losing interest, or starting to “Overfunction” (offering him something like food, or a massage, or asking him how he’s feeling, or picking up after him…)
2. Stop. Just absolutely STOP.
3. Breathe
4. Stand totally still and Find Your Feelings – for now just see if you can find a feeling or a sensation in your body. It will help you feel more grounded, and stop you from following your normal pattern of reacting to him in ways that don’t work.
5. Turn around. Find something to do for YOU.

If you’re feeling uncomfortable and strange when you do this – GREAT! It means you’re on your way to shifting your relationship. Let me know how it feels for you to “ignore” your man, and I’d love to know what he does, so be sure to comment here.