Have The Relationship You Want

It’s not your “negative” feelings that push a man away – it’s what you do with them.

It’s how you LIVE with them – because there are things in this world that Trigger us can make us feel sensitive and sad all the time.

And the way to live with negative feelings that pushes a man away is to RESIST them.

The way to live with negative feelings that BRINGS A MAN CLOSER is to FEEL them.

And that doesn’t just mean just feeling them for a moment and then moving on to something else to distract ourselves…

It means FULLY FEELING your feelings by SINKING INTO them.

How to do it? You’ll find a Tool specifically for the feelings of anger, jealousy and obsessive thoughts about a man in my Commitment Blueprint program, and in my new Modern Siren program, there’s a full set of Tools for sadness, and a way to handle that “wave” of feeling that sometimes hits us just when we wish it wouldn’t. You can look at both of the programs here: [catalog]

For now, try this:

When you’re feeling “negative,” and you’re afraid your “vibe” will push a man away – notice what you do – notice if you start TALKING (what so many of us women do when we’re uncomfortable).

Notice if you start all of a sudden getting “cheerful.”

Notice if you suddenly start trying to make things “okay” in your mind and smile.

Notice if you move TOWARD him – touch him, talk to him – in an effort to make the “bad” feelings go away.

And then stop yourself. DON’T DO what you INSTINCTIVELY want to do to feel better.

There’s a MUCH better way to feel better.

SINKING IN feels like this: It feels like you just “give up.” You just give up on trying to hold back the feeling.

Usually – when we stop holding back, all kinds of things happen – most often with results that aren’t what we wanted. It’s like a rubber band you’ve been pulling and pulling apart until it reaches maximum tension and then you let go and SNAP – it flies (and usually hits our man right in the face).

So try this: instead of “letting go” and letting fly, hang onto yourself in a simple way – don’t DO anything – just give up trying to hold it back. This way, the “rubber band” just returns to its limp, graceful shape without a reaction that creates a whole new set of issues and moments and feelings for you to deal with.

As you “go limp” and “give up” you’ll feel a whole bunch of things loosen in your body. Your shoulders will drop down, and what might have felt like an iron grip around your heart will lighten up a bit.

Now, let’s say you – like I was – are stuck in a car, or in a restaurant, or in a room with your man, and you can feel your resistance tightening in your shoulders and in your heart, and you feel like talking to relieve the pressure.

Step 1 – You notice what’s happening.
Step 2 – You do NOTHING
Step 3 – You FEEL whatever feelings you’re feeling, give up trying to hold the feelings back, and sink into them – as though those feelings are your deepest friends (they are).
Step 4 – Now you use Feeling Messages to communicate with your man, and we’ll talk about that next.

If you’ve seen the Sex and the City movie, you likely have strong opinions about it – I wasn’t transported by the film, but I thought the way all the characters have transformed over the last season, and now in the movie was remarkable for us to work with.

Where Carrie was once “prickly,” cigarette in hand – almost hard and brittle in the way she related to all the men in her life, now she’s totally “soft” – in a very lovely way. This “softening started to happen in the last season (we’ll talk about how she handled all these men in different posts).

So here’s “Carrie’s Tools,” in honor of her:

1. Stand perfectly still
2. Breathe
3. Look your man in the eye
4. Lean your body back (put one foot in front of the other so you don’t fall over)
5. Trust yourself – that no matter what happens, what he says or does, you’ll be alright, and that you’re better off always telling the truth than hiding ANYTHING.
6. Smile
7. Let your eyes go fuzzy, so you can go INSIDE yourself
8. Open your mouth and let a sound come out – “Ahhhh,” or “Ohhhh”
9. Be very aware of what you’re focusing on – ask yourself – am I thinking about me and what I’m doing? Or am I listening to him – over where he is, and just experiencing? Your goal is to totally Stop Thinking, so as soon as you become aware you’re thinking about you and what you’re saying next or what the things he’s saying are bringing up in you, and then sort of bounce the ball of your attention over to where HE’S at – you’ll be AUTOMATICALLY experiencing.

You can really see how this was working for Carrie in the first part of the movie, where they set up Carrie and Big’s relationship. Instead of always wondering and worrying how Big was going to behave and how it was all going to turn out – or getting angry and feeling resentful all the time, she’s completely RELAXED around him. She’s no longer sarcastic, no longer holding him at arm’s length, no longer following him around. She radiates confidence and ease.

We’ll break down the specifics of every step on how to do this every day in these posts, and for now, just try my “Tools for Carrie” (and refer here to my “Rori”s Rules” post – it’s the bottom line of “Rules”).

It took Carrie 6 Seasons and a Sex In The City movie to get it right, but with Carrie’s 9 Rules, you get it right in 6 Minutes. Try this on the butcher, the baker, the candlestick maker, the man next door, the man at the dry cleaners or the man you love. So, next time ANY man looks at you, speaks to you, or moves toward you, I want you to follow Carrie’s Rules to the letter, and let me know what happens.

Love,
Rori