Archive for the 'Sex & Sensuality' Category

Sex For Sex’s Sake – Is That Okay With You?

heartonbellylargeHere’s a great letter about sex from Anna:

“Dear Sirens (and Rori, of course) – reading this great post, I feel I finally need to ask for help! I’ve been thinking about this thing over and over in my mind, I’ve discussed and analyzed it with my friends again and again, but some experienced advice from this community would feel so, soooo good to receive.

Here’s the thing: I met a guy on a sex-dating website, and I feel mixed signals coming from him: sometimes it feels like he actually wants to date me, sometimes it feels he’s just interested in the physical part. And I feel confused and in need for some clarity, and I feel compelled to ask him what he wants, but I don’t know how to do it, or if I should do it at all…

Now, writing this, I’m starting to feel defensive, so I’ll add more context and explain WHY I’m on sex-dating sites… *blush* No, I don’t have a profile there to find the love of my life – that would be stupid. I’m there to raise my self-esteem, to gain confidence in my own femininity and sexuality, and to overcome some teenage traumas induced by well-meaning parents (long story short, I’ve always been a little overweight, they wanted me to get fit, so they tried to More…

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When There’s No More Sex…Be Done With Him

10-6 love yourselfHere’s a horror story from “Soon-To-Be-Broken-Heart” – and it’s actually something that men do all the time when they don’t want to be in a relationship or can’t be.

We’re always shocked by this move of withdrawing sex – but many, many men do it this way…

Rori, I’m 23 years old, I have been living with my 25 year old boyfriend for the past 8 months. For the first 3-4 months we were having sex 2-3 times a week – what I thought was a normal “healthy” number. I am crazy for him and even in the beginning I always wanted more, naturally the fact that he makes me feel 100x better than any man I have ever been with in my life contributes to me wanting to have sex more then 2-3 times a week, but I understand that has not a machine and has his own emotions/feelings/ thoughts/moods so I have always made an More…

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Great Ted Speech On Sex

cartoondanceThis is such a great speech by Esther Perel – I just bought her book.

At first glance, you think she’s going to talk about “games and strategies” to create mystery and distance in a relationship, and tell us all not to be close, intimate, friendly or cuddly with our men….and then, as you read, you get that she’s talking about Circular Dating and raw, open, truth-telling, agenda-less, personal emotional exposure and vulnerability.

This speech is just the ‘Why” of her ideas:

Love, Rori

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Sex Can Be An Amazing Tool To Learn To Be More Yourself And RECEIVE Love

Here’s a letter from Beth with my answer – and it’s all around sex and how sex works in our brains, our hearts – and how it can illuminate our lives or shut us down…

Hi Rori,

A couple of things you have sent in the past couple of days have been exactly what I was used to doing with my first husband. One is what you describe in this email. It’s like you are looking into my past. The other was the one about trying to fill the quiet. I had extreme anxiety over the quiet and always tried to find something to say to fill it.

Needless to say, it was a strained and unhappy marriage that I stayed in miserably for 13 years before I moved out. I think that relationship was so toxic and so damaging to my self-esteem that it set the stage for the years to come. I left him in 1987 and have never had a successful relationship since, although I did get married two more times since then. To build up my self esteem I got into the habit of jumping in bed with every man that looked at me More…

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To Every Woman Who Has Loved A Man Who “Could Not Get It Up”…

I just got this from Charu at www.EmbodyTantra.com (you may know her as one of my Monthly Interviews With Relationship Experts) – I love this woman and her work, and I was floored by this article. Charu graciously gave me permission to reprint it here for you:

by Charu

Recently I had a conversation with a beautiful client of mine. She is a very powerful, conscious woman who is devoted to her spiritual path and is now in a rich and powerful partnership with a man she loves. Everything in their relationship is rich and in alignment. Their visions, intentions, goals, work, priorities – only thing off is the sex.

It is really challenging both of them because they are so much in love.

Thing is, although this has never been a challenge for him before, he can’t get or maintain an erection when they are together. This is bringing up tension and anxiety for both of them and making it difficult for them to surrender more deeply into the love they feel for one another.

I had some great news for her; while this is a challenge and it can take an investment of time and energy to move through something like this, it is definitely possible to break through into new territory.

That ‘new territory’ does not mean that this man will simply have to ‘deal with his issue’ and then they will have great sex finally with his rock-hard erection. New territory means that this is a powerful opportunity. Perhaps BECAUSE they have such a genuine connection, perhaps BECAUSE they are both so intuitive and devoted to their spiritual path this challenge is inviting them to look at sides of themselves that the rest of their spiritual journey has not yet touched.

Important parts of themselves, parts that when they clear will not only open the gateway for them to have a great sex-life, but will also open the door for all of the work they have already done to come into full manifestation on this earth. When the lower chakras are not alive, open, accepted, included then there is a very real limitation of our potential for awakening. As we are HUMAN- beings our humanity is necessarily part of our process of awakening.

I guided her to do something very powerful. To bring her awareness back to HERSELF and take the attention away from the ‘problem that he has’.

How?

1. I encouraged her to experiment with soft penetration ~ this is where they would still have intercourse, only with his penis soft. Click here to read an article I wrote on this or check out the book: Tantric Orgasm for Women by Diana Richardson which talks about this in great detail.

This technique takes the pressure off immediately that says ‘he has to be hard’ and allows two lovers to connect intimately in a new world without goals, where they can allow the bodies to connect and re-sensitize to one another. Experiencing and enjoying all levels of tumescence is a great blessing that we do not honor at all in our culture. Great openings can happen even with a flaccid penis.

*IMPORTANT NOTE: In a circumstance like this when we enter into soft-penetration it can be difficult because our thoughts of ‘why isn’t he getting hard?’, ‘what is wrong with him?’, ‘isn’t he attracted to me?’, ‘why have I found the perfect man, but we can’t connect this way?’, ‘will I ever have great sex again’, ‘I just want to have mind-blowing lovemaking that matches the depth of our connection- am I with the right person after all?’

This is where step 2 comes in-

2. Both partners can practice this, but I will orient to the woman partner (since the conversation I had happened to be with my woman client); when you notice the thoughts running through your head about all that is ‘wrong’ with the situation/moment, bring yourself back to sensation. This is your teaching, this is your ‘Guru’- anxiety coming up in your body (or whatever emotion/feeling is there) is NORMAL and it is coming up to be cleared. If you were with the ‘perfect’ lover you would not have to sit with this and it is a clearing and awakening for the new depths you will experience together.

3. Rather than dwelling in the thoughts, notice where you feel this emotion in your body. For example; ‘I have an intense stomach cramp and my shoulders are tight, I feel like I am not breathing as deeply, the pain in my stomach feels like a black bubble’- if you feel comfortable voice this out loud to your partner (without the story about why you feel this way, that’s not what this moment is about).

4. Allow your partner to see you and hold you in this. In this moment he can be empowered to hold a strong space for you, rather than feeling dis-empowered that his body is not working the way he wants it to be (once again this exercise can be practiced by BOTH parties).

5. Give yourself over to whatever is the strongest feeling in your body, for example: the ‘black bubble’ in your stomach. Magnify the sensation rather than trying to make it better, feel it getting bigger and more intense in your body- this may feel counter-intuitive, but staying with it will support a powerful clearing.

As you stay with the intensity in your body you may feel vulnerable, frightened, you may cry or scream. This is all perfect. The body is going through the process it needs to in order to release parts of you that have ‘hardened’ and are not allowing energy to flow.

Because of these responses in the body it is a good idea to let you partner know that you are going to be trying this exercise before you begin the process and what might happen so they won’t be alarmed. Invite them to participate with you by feeling free to express what they are feeling in their body and let them know that this is not about making you ‘feel better’- it’s about a creative process of allowing the clearing to happen.

This process is a powerful first step and can be used in many different ways and for many different reasons within a partnership. Because this is the first step it is NOT about having an erection or trying to get an erection at all. It is about allowing yourselves to be truly ‘naked’ and supporting one another in this space of vulnerability.

Sharing this will not only begin to allow the bodies to re-sensitize and ultimately bring life and energy into areas where it is not yet flowing, but it also begins to create a space for you to discover your authentic sexuality. Relating to one another and connecting in an entirely new way, one that is far richer than what we have dared to imagine.

From Rori: Charu does these amazing evenings in Los Angeles, she coaches by phone, and you can watch her videos and get more of her free info on her blog at http://www.embodytantra.com–>>

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What Happens When No Sex Leads To No Love – And How It Works In Reverse

Here’s a letter from Jill about intimacy:

“Hi, Rori

My name is Jill, and a friend recommended writing you with my very sensitive problem. She’s told me of you books and seminars on relationships, and how to fix them.

My husband and I have been married for 7 1/2 years. A few weeks ago, I was trying to be intimate, and he refused. I asked him what was wrong, and he said he was incredibly resentful of me and the children, and didn’t know if he loved me anymore. Needless to say, I was shocked and hurt. I knew he preferred more “bedroom time” then he was getting, but after a good talk we had back in March, I believed we were getting better. Hence the shock of hearing him considering leaving.

He said he has resentment toward me for not giving him what he needs in the bedroom unless we were trying to get pregnant. I apologized, and More…

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How To Create Emotional Intimacy With Sex

How do you go first to deepen intimacy when you’re working with the experience of sex? (This is Part 3 of the 3-Part Sex and Intimacy Series – Here’s Part 1->)

Without initiating? Without doing ANYTHING?

You open up, baby step by baby step – and see what he does.

Even if he does NOTHING – you watch.

You smile. You melt. You are warm. You unzip your heart. You open.

If he can hold the space, if he can open up and then give to you, facilitate your opening up even more – then you’ve got a winner here.

And…then ON to more baby-steps!

If he continually moves backward – you are forced to step backward.

You are forced to step back and see what he does.

And here’s the trick – if you can step back but NOT close down…just stay open and see what happens… More…

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Sex and Intimacy – How Does Sex Work To Deepen A Relationship

How does sex work in a relationship? (This is Part 2 of a series – here’s Part 1 ->)

How can you get the most pleasure, the most enjoyment, the most learning, the deepest intimacy, the most help for the forward moving of your relationship – out of the experience of sex?

The way to go here is to USE sex to practice INTIMACY.

That means you have to feel safe.

You have to feel safe and open, so HE’LL feel safe and open.

You have to feel expressive and you have to surrender to yourself in his presence.

AND…

You can’t do this unless you feel safe.

The “hard” thing her is – even if you actually ARE safe with him (he’s actually a good, sensitive, caring, masculine energy man) – you may not feel safe with YOU (because there’s so much of you you don’t know, don’t acknowledge, don’t love) – and so no matter how great he is, you won’t feel safe enough to really open up More…

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How Important is Sex in a Relationship

Sex is such an important thing – not because it’s so crucial to be having sex for sex’s sake (though it makes us healthier in so many ways…) but because it’s such a serious barometer for the health and intimacy level of a relationship.

It says so much about the physical and emotional status of each of you.

It demonstrates hormones – testosterone and estrogen.

And hormones say a lot about who you are in so many ways.

Here’s a letter that’s a good jump off about sex in a relationship:

“Rori, I went through the same situation with my husband and it was indeed a big red flag when a man rarely initiated sex. And my husband for the longest time trivialized the issue as if I made sex such a big deal over everything else. He was (and sometimes is) still in denial how important sex is in a marriage.

Long story short, we broke up because I was so unfulfilled and resentful so I strayed (let’s just put it that way at this point). More…

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Sex, Love, Relationship and Marriage – You Have To Go First – #3 in the Sex and Re-Commitment Series

How do you go first to deepen intimacy when you’re working with the experience of sex?

Without initiating? Without doing ANYTHING?

You open up, baby step by baby step – and see what he does.

Even if he does NOTHING – you watch.

You smile. You melt. You are warm. You unzip your heart. You open.

If he can hold the space, if he can open up and then give to you, facilitate your opening up even more – then More…

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