Have The Relationship You Want

How can you move forward in your life without “letting go” of him?  And still “dump him” and “stop contact”?

This is a jump off of the last post, inspired by the comments. Here are two that sparked me:

Erika said:
“…sometimes if I ignore a guy, I actually end up thinking about him MORE. It feels all unresolved.”

Then JasonSavage said:
“I advocate resolve through actively ignoring him and simple acts of symbolic detachment.”

And Daria, too, talks about really loving having men around her and feeling good about it.

The thing here is this – J, in the letter that started the original post, does NOT feel good with the “ex” who’s contacting her at this moment.  The idea of friendship is NOT clear and easy and about …friends.  It’s all clouded and complex and involves all kinds of triggers.  And this was not a Circular Dating relationship – this was BEFORE J figured out how to Circular Date – this was an exclusive relationship with sex.  And she still feels attached and emotional – as would almost ALL of us.

I often agree with Jason on most of this -  and though it’s a very harsh view coming from me, but you can see from Jason how a man sees ANY response we make to a man — no matter what we say, if we respond, the “friendship” is “on.”

What I’m going to add to this conversation is about what Erika calls “resolve.”  This is the same as what I call “closure” – and you know I don’t believe in closure.

This is the shocking, provoking part of what I say around this kind of thing:

Don’t even TRY to IMAGINE closure.  Forget closure.  Forget resolution.  Forget tying things up in a nice bundle, all knots untied, everything smoothed out.

This is just not part of having a real, PASSIONATE life.

Needing closure is something we women have absolutely been trained for.

We are perfectionist in many ways, managing things – so much of it comes from our genes – the need to cook, watch the fire, listen for the baby, and ward off intruders all at the same time.

This need for closure is, I believe – at the bottom of all our womanly stress.

So, I also say, forget about the whole concept of “letting go.”  It’s just not a viable image.

For me – (and I have a bunch of posts on this…most with horses in the pictures…) the idea is to keep moving down your own road, stick on your path, stay with your horse, keep moving, expanding, breathing, going deeper and deeper into your feelings and your life, becoming more and more passionate about life itself – and just not allowing ANYTHING to distract you.  Not allowing anything to “capture” you and throw you off balance and off course.

You can take a memory of a man with you down your road.  You can dream about him when you sleep.  You can take from what you had with him that makes you feel good and helps you understand yourself, that helps you riff and process and expand.

To do this – you DON’T NEED HIM TO BE AROUND IN REAL LIFE.

I’m going to say that again.  Once a man has outlived his usefulness in his concrete, human form – once his presence makes you go backwards and into your head and out of your body and feeling not good about yourself – you don’t want him around.  Period.  You’re done.  He’s history.

But that doesn’t mean he’s left the planet, or left your psyche.

He might still be in your rock band, or in your theater company, or at your yoga class, or sweating next to you at your gym, or sitting next to you at your work.  He might be the father of your children. He might be a superstar you see on billboards and hear about from friends and strangers every day.  He could be your lawyer, or your coach, or your children’s friend’s father.

It doesn’t mean he has nothing to offer you – even if it’s only a reminder of what you DON’T want.

And it doesn’t mean you have to be especially nice to him, or welcoming, or reasonable.

And it doesn’t mean you have to notice him much, or think about him, or wonder about him, or talk about him.

It just means he’s there.  He still lives and breathes.

It’s not about “reality.”  It’s about “energy.”

And this isn’t hocus-pocus or magic, because it’s not about HIS energy – it’s about YOURS.

The simple truth is – if you stop FIGHTING your feelings for him and pull toward him, and thoughts about him – and simply REFOCUS your mind, body and heart around something NEW – something that FEELS GOOD – something that’s MEANINGFUL to you – it will overpower the energy you’re showering on this undeserving man.

So – instead of rituals and symbolic acts to LET GO of him (because then it’s STILL all about HIM…) what we need here is rituals and symbolic acts to hang onto, hold onto, embrace, worship and adore OURSELVES.

The result we’re going for is not to free HIM – but to free US.

Can you imagine what that would look like and feel like?

What would it look like and feel like to feel free as a bird around your thoughts and feelings about a man?  To be able to do what makes you happy even though thoughts of him and about him continue to intrude?

I guarantee you that if you find things to immerse yourself in – things that capture your attention in a wonderful, fulfilling and satisfying way…they will way outshine any man’s old, worn-out pull on you.  Your light will expose the shabbiness of the man, the obsolescence of him.

You’ll start to feel this:  “Done.”

It’s not about “over.”  It’s not about “forgetting.”  It’s not about “Letting Go” so you “don’t” have a mental, physical or emotional experience around him when he isn’t actually there.  It’s about just getting so passionate about yourself and what you love in life that you become bored by him.

Most of the time, a man who is not good for us came into our lives for one reason:  We invited him in as a “do-over.”

It could be a do-over of our childhoods, when the only way we could get love and attention was by working our butts off.

It could be a do-over of a trauma where we felt helpless to take care of ourselves.

It could be a do-over of a mistake that feels desperately like it needs “closure” and “mastery.”

Forget about all that.

Instead – focus on being kind to yourself.  Focus on what you like.  On what makes you feel good.  Do that.  Think that. Take yourself there.

Erika talks a lot about EFT – Emotional Freedom Technique, and I love the technique too – here’s one little piece of it I’m going to apply to this post:

Say to yourself: “Even though I feel attached to this man and drawn to have closure with him, I deeply and profoundly love and accept myself.”

Then get back on your horse and ride – with him or without him, whether he’s hanging onto the saddle, gripping you for dear life, or trying to get you to stop and let him on, or whether you’re holding him with one hand behind you as you ride on.

The important thing is NOT what HE’S doing, or where HE is.

The important thing is that YOU are RIDING ON!!!

Love, Rori

Here’s the age-old problem – where does sex fit in the scheme of  “relationship”? Especially at the very beginning? A comment from – I’ll call her “Gina” stated this issue so well, with a lot for me to talk about:

“Rori, I’ve recently met a man that I feel has much potential to be a great partner, the thing is on our second meeting we slept together. It was phenomenal, and we are both very much wanting it to happen again….however, I do not want to be a “one hit wonder” and do happen to think more of my self than that but to say no is difficult for me.

I freak out if I don’t hear from him and realize that I am making more out of it then it really is. He doesn’t know that I’m freaking of course but I can’t manage to hold it together around my friends and I’m a total mess. How do I break this cycle, even if it doesn’t work out with this guy…what about the future. I’m 42 and have never been married, I so desperately want to experience the love and passion in a true relationship. You’ve got your work cut out in me! Gina”

Okay here is my first hit on this situation.

Gina says straight out something that we all think, and that just kills our self-esteem and screws up all the good feelings between us and the man so far.

She says about the sex, “It was phenomenal, and we are both very much wanting it to happen again….however, I do not want to be a “one hit wonder” and do happen to think more of my self than that…”

So basically, Gina, you did something that now you feel ashamed of. Ick. You did something that now you want to backtrack from. And not only “something”… but something “phenomenal.”

So how did we get to this state?

How do we do something so full-out that it’s fantastic and then regret it later?

If you think more of yourself than you think of a “woman who would have sex with a man on her second meeting” — and YOU are that “woman” — then what hope does your self-esteem have?

What hope can you have to feel good about yourself and about this man the next time you see him, if you’re feeling guilty and ashamed and angry and bad about the really good time you just had with him?

Does this make sense?

Of course not. Absolutely not. And yet we do this to ourselves all the time.

Also, Gina, you say that “…saying no is difficult for me…”

So this is a good thing to look at.  How exactly do we learn to say NO? I’m going to talk about the “how” of that in another post….for now, I want to focus on WHY you’d want to say No. What’s the point?  What drives a decision to say No?

This is really, really important to consider before you just go around “deciding” what you should say Yes to and what you should say No to. You are not saying No because there’s something wrong with saying Yes. You’re not saying No because there’s something wrong with the request. You’re not saying No because there’s something wrong with the man.

You’re saying No because it doesn’t feel good to you.

And though you think it might feel good to you AT ANOTHER TIME – at this moment, it doesn’t feel good to you.

That’s the only reason. In fact, it has nothing to do with him.

This is the trick, the key, the essential, the solution, the secret — learning how to tell what is a feeling and what is a thought about your feeling.

To tell the difference between a real, honest, gut-level feeling, and a feeling that is COVERING the real, honest, truthful feeling.

In other words, if your feeling is anxiety, or if you’re going numb, those sensations are covering up a deeper feeling.

It takes practice. It takes practice getting in touch with your feelings as best you can and then acting from there. It takes doing that over and over and over again, until you get a real sense of how YOU work.

Now let’s say that George Clooney, or Christian Bale, or Johnny Depp, or somebody that really floats your boat, hits you up for a one night stand. Would you say no to that? Would you make an allowance for that? Would you just go for it and then beat yourself up later? Does the power of the man and the celebrity of the man change the equation?

Or… is the bottom line of all this about… Pleasure?

Do you have to say no to pleasure? Does saying yes to pleasure automatically mean you’re going to beat yourself up the next day? Does saying yes to pleasure mean that you are somehow going against your opinions about how sex fits into relationship?

If this reads like a lot of rules to you — that’s really what it is. A lot of rules. Way too many rules.

In my book, from here, in my imagination, I would say a very quick yes to George Clooney or Johnny Depp — but in real life, it might feel icky.

It might feel so obviously like it meant absolutely “nothing” that I wouldn’t even be able to have a pleasurable time. Never mind that I would have less charge on what happened the next day around this, because if I had low self-esteem to begin with, I would never assume that I could compete with all the other women that are available to George Clooney, Christian Bale and Johnny Depp, and so I would be going into that situation feeling LESS THAN.

So for starters on this way to getting what you really truly want as quickly as possible, I want you to commit yourself completely, totally, and passionately to your own pleasure.

This means that when something feels pleasurable to you you do not immediately counteract it with some kind of pain. We are all brought up to think that pleasure is somehow evil in some way. Guilt is how we’ve all been managed our whole lives.

I want you to stop that. I want you to look pleasure in the eye, and claim it as your own. So…

If you should decide in the moment that experiencing pleasure with a man feels good and you want to go ahead and do it, and then later on you find yourself all bound to him hormonally and wish you hadn’t done it, just file it away for next time.

Don’t bully yourself for taking pleasure in the moment. In fact, you might find that if you let up on yourself, the pleasure might just have stood all by itself. Maybe the experience was a stand-alone. Maybe it didn’t need to have any more meaning — maybe a relationship wasn’t required. All of these are opinions and thoughts that you have to kind of mull around.

I don’t want you to be run by some internal taskmaster. You need to have some experience with things. You need to experiment. And you need to go easy on yourself while you’re experimenting.

So can we turn this around, Gina?

I want you to say, “I had such a phenomenal time with this man, it doesn’t matter what happens next.”

And I want you to live by that. If you did it, if it happened — there was some kind of lesson in there for you. There was something you’re supposed to learn. At the top of the fund scale might be happy ever after. But the bottom can’t be all that bad now can it? At the bottom is only pleasure for one night.

With this attitude, you can choose to say Yes or No to the man the next time – and you can speak to him in Feeling Messages about your confusion – ALL BASED on how it feels to you in the moment.  The question isn’t whether or not you sleep with him.  The question is how you handle that afterwards.  Can you take it for pleasure, and not for “tomorrow” – or are you stuck in “tomorrow”?

If you DO feel stuck in “tomorrow” and what having sex will “mean” to him and to the possibility of a relationship…then it’s plain not going to feel good to you to sleep with him.  And if you feel all gorgeous and sexy and juicy and happy, and you don’t care what happens “tomorrow” – then you’re light years ahead of where you thought you were – and you’re on target for Happy Ever After with…your Mr. Right…woever he is and whenever he shows up.

Go easy on yourself Gina. Let me know how this attitude works for you. And later, let’s use the information you gather with your experimenting and experiencing to learn the Why, What, How-To and What If about saying “No.”

Love, Rori

Here’s a comment from “InLove”, who’s suffering at 20 with a problem most of us have experienced at some time or other, in response to my post about reviving sex…

“Hi, I just want to ask about a similar situation. I’m only 20. My boyfriend and I have been together for over a year and half and the last time we had sex was… probably a month ago. Both of us love each other, and we live together (and have done since about 9 months ago), well we have separate bedrooms and live with three other boys. We are moving into a flat on our own with two bedrooms (because I was unhappy sharing a bedroom completely) in a couple of months.

We are happy together most of the time, he is very affectionate lots of hugs, kisses, feeling my boobs and bum lots, talks to me lots through phone calls and texts. We have problems with two things.

The first is him needing space which we’ve mostly managed to sort and are well on the way to making fine, as he has now learned to actually tell me when he needs space and I appreciate that honesty because we do spend a lot of time together in his room – which he says should be solved next year when we have our own flat and a different rooms we can spend time together in, so if we need a little space we can go to a different room to surf the net (the bedroom) or to watch telly (the living room).

Just now it seems that I can sense when he wants space but he denies it, then eventually admits to it (tonight he said that he’d rather go on the walk alone as he wanted some space), and so encourage this honesty and give him his space. This helps me to know that the space is not needed because I did something wrong, that it is because he just needs space.

And now I can use this time to do some coursework and relax. Although this evenings walk irritates me slightly because I have spent the whole weekend with my mother as she was visiting only sleeping in his room at night (as she was in my room), and yesterday he went hillwalking all day with his friend. Hopefully he will let me know what caused this need for space at some point soon.

The other problem, is sex. Hence this post. Like I mentioned he’s very caring and does everything other than anything related to his penis. I used to try to entice him when we were lying in bed by playing with it and it would get hard (therefor he was aroused) but he would not want to do anything. I have now, after much deliberation decided to just try coping without sex until we can talk about this (it’s talking about it that’s difficult).

Any other time I’ve tried talking to him he will tell me he has a low libido and just does not need sex. And I’ve started not even encouraging it when he does get hard for fear of rejection. I also don’t like the thought that we can only have sex when HE wants to… what about my needs, and how can I get him to want to have sex with me. I please myself when I get too turned on.

But it makes me feel ugly when my boyfriend doesn’t want to have sex with me. Even after he gives me signs, and tells me, of how attracted he is to me (he loves it when I’m naked and hugs/passionately kisses me and fondles me. He makes me feel good that way).

There was one time he was playing video games and I was feeling frisky so offered a FREE blowjob (if there is such a thing)… and yet I was stilled turned down, even though all he was doing was playing games.

We can both be busy or tired when it comes to bed time, but all we really do is I lie on his bed and watch whatever is on the telly while he sits at his computer and “stumbles” on the internet… He will give me attention and I don’t feel totally neglected, except for in the intercourse department.

I don’t believe he is gay, and understand that sex isn’t everything. I just wish I understood why he only gets horny every now and then and it seems to be random. I used to have a high sex drive which has died a little, although I can turn myself on quite easily.

When we do have sex it is AMAZING! And that is the other part of the reason I want to have it more. I have tried putting on sexy lingerie and all sorts. But to me it just seems he’s more interested in videogames/movies/tv/books, than in actual sex.

I don’t want it to be an issue, but it’s the only thing stopping me seeing a life with him, because I don’t know if I can cope without sex. I don’t plan on breaking up with him over it.

I was just wondering if there is anything I can do to encourage sex, or even to have a conversation with him about my needs for sex. I’ve read of other females getting their men to have sex with them even when THEY don’t want it, and I feel my man should want to do this for me. Please help me find a way of asking for sex without sounding desperate or unappreciative or non-understanding of his low libido.

Sorry this is so long…InLove”

Here’s my answer:

InLove, I feel your pain- I’ve been in this situation before – and so have many women I know and have worked with – and you’re not going to want to hear this answer. If he doesn’t want to have sex with you at 20, living in the same house – it may never get better.

Either he’s gay or he’s not in love with you or he’s feeling pressure from you to deepen the relationship and to have sex and it’s turning him off, he may be afraid of getting you pregnant (though that doesn’t seem reasonable since he refused the blowjob) or he has physical or emotional problems or just an extremely low libido.  Here’s what you can do from my standpoint – and I’m going to ask my friend Todd Creager – who’s a man and an expert on sexuality in marriage – to weigh in here as well:

1. If he’s gay, that’s it.  Even HE might not know it, so if that’s the right answer here, you’ll suffer with this until he discovers it for himself.

2. If he’s not in love with you – you may have some effect on that if you make some changes (Tools for that are in my Modern Siren program) – just as you would for scenario number…

3. If it’s about the pressure, you can step WAY back.  You can see if that works (it will), and yet -

It’s not a permanent solution.

A man who so interlocks sex with his emotions has a certain kind of energy.  MatchMatrix.com calls this a “Mental-Emotional” energy around sex – and regardless of how you analyze it (some talk about how men “compartmentalize” around sex – and yours clearly doesn’t), that might be fine if you were the same way – but you’re not.

The more he doesn’t want sex, the more you DO.

We women try to CONNECT through sex – and so he picks that up, and because he’s afraid of or doesn’t want to deepen the connection, for whatever reason – he refuses sex.

This is going to be an issue your ENTIRE lives, should you decide to stay together. Whenever there’s conflict, or during the ups and downs of your relationship – sex will stop.

If you chase him for sex – as you’re doing now (if not actually, physically making the moves, you’re thinking about it and wanting it all the time) – is just making it worse for you.

4. On top of everything else, these days many men have lowered libido for reasons around stress and diet and pollution – but if that’s his problem now, it won’t get better – it will get worse.

This is very difficult and doesn’t feel good. Step way, way back.

Let’s see what Todd has to say.

I would not move in with him, if I were you – and if you do, please have a fall-back plan so you don’t feel stuck if things don’t get better.

Sorry for the cold-sounding answer – but I want YOU to get a bit cold around this.  I’d really like you to get out there and FLIRT – Circular Date just by talking with other men.

Sitting around and hoping a man will want to have sex with you at 20 is bad-feeling, and I don’t want you there.

Okay – This just in – Todd Creager answered my call and wrote me this to help you:

“Rori- your advice is not cold; it is realistic. As you do, I feel for this young woman because she so much wants the relationship to work. However, patterns do not usually change that easily.

One other possible factor besides the ones that you diligently outlined is the following; I have often found that men who resist sex in a committed relationship have had a very overbearing or needy mother. The male child unconsciously views women as needy or smothering.

The male deals with this by unconsciously creating distance so that he can still “feel his own skin” and not be taken over by the “dangerous” female. This is his projection. The female is not necessarily doing anything wrong.

I see the young woman here having two choices. Let him go and move on or insist that he get some good therapy. If she takes the second option, she should observe his behavior.

If nothing changes several months into his therapy, she should strongly consider option 1. I hope this answer along with yours can help her. Todd Creager”

Todd is amazing, if any of you would like to talk with him, he’s at www.ToddCreager.com

I’m going to take this bit of insight about why a man avoids sex and go deeper into it (and why Strong Surrender and Modern Siren will help you catch the red flags of a man with this problem, and perhaps even undo some of the damage). I’ll get some help from Todd along the way – this is his specialty.

“InLove” – Use all my Tools to help you LeanBack, step-back – and rather than thinking about giving HIM “space” – take some for YOURSELF. Fill up your schedule with activities you adore doing, that make you feel good – and let HIM fit himself into YOUR schedule.

Love, Rori

Okay – what drama.  What a shambles.  High energy Reality TV, a mess very much like what happens everyday with people  – men and women who get engaged to one sister or brother in a family and then want to marry the other, who move through life like they’re in high school.

People who don’t know what they want and who can’t find their feelings.

Jason finally found his – maybe.

If you don’t know what happened, this season’s The Bachelor picked Melissa for the win, for the wife – put a ring on her finger and declared his undying love and devotion.  6 weeks later, after some time together in real life (though not that much – this is show-biz, remember, and they had to keep it a secret), he lost his feelings for her, the communication and passion died, and – he says – she knew it wasn’t working as well as he did.

As he lost his feelings for her, his memory of his feelings for Molly, the runner-up he’d dumped on the podium just before he proposed to Melissa grew.  Molly dialed up, Melissa dialed down.  He couldn’t get Molly out of his mind.

And so – according to Jason, he was forced to dump Melissa on TV in front of us all.

And then, they brought in Molly, who he instantly professed his feelings for and asked out.

At this moment in time, Jason and Molly are dating, and she plans to move to his city soon.

And Jason – and Molly with him – is getting pilloried.  He’s being attacked for being a jerk.

Well – I’m not attacking him.  What did he do?  He did what any man would do – he followed orders. He could easily have broken his contractual obligations and told Molly beforehand, worked out a deal, and then, later, called Molly.  But no – they did it on TV. It may have been real, it may have been fake, Melissa might have known what was going to happen, she might have known a bit of it but been surprised by others – she and Jason emailed each other before and after – and it’s hard to tell.

And the only thing I know for sure and have a strong opinion on is this – Melissa – you should have kept the ring.

When I saw Melissa take the ring off her finger and hand it to Jason, who took it – I was appalled.

Now I understood why Melissa says she’s always the dumpee, why this always happens to her, and why she can’t get a relationship.

I don’t know what happened between them.  Something dried up – perhaps it was Melissa, perhaps it was just not a real good match deep down.  Perhaps Jason’s urges from his own self overcame the good judgment he thought he’d displayed with Melissa.  Perhaps Molly is the right woman for him and he felt compelled to turn her away out of fear – who knows.

Now, Melissa says she’s in a great place, she doesn’t regret anything.

But I do  know that if a man dumps you, you keep the ring. You sell it and buy yourself something really, really nice – like a car or a wardrobe or part of a down-payment on a house, or you throw it in the river, or you sell it on Ebay as “Melissa’s Ring” and cash in and give the money to charity.  The ring wasn’t a promise.  The ring was a gift.  And it was hers.

The thing is – how can we expect anyone to get a bearings on anything emotional in a situation like the Bachelor?  How can anyone get past infatuation and a HOPE that the person is who they think she or he is, or who they HOPE she or he is?

Here’s my take – I think Jason was wrenched between what he was attracted to and…what he was attracted to.

His body went for both of them, but mostly for Melissa. And his mind went for Melissa, and his sense of comfort went with Melissa, and his hopes for a family group were with Melissa.  She was the “appropriate” one – and she was the one who was most his “type.” She was a “DeAnna” type physically.   She was the nicer one, the cuddlier one, the most comforting.  She was homey and sexy. A “great girl.”

And Molly has an “edge.”

Her voice is a little grating, and she’s witty and combative.

She didn’t seem “right” to him on some level – though he was attracted to her in a more emotional way than he knew.

So – we can disregard whether this is all real or not – and let’s just treat it as if it is.

Jason swears he was in love with Melissa when he proposed.  I think he was filled up with Melissa’s “greatness” and his physical attraction to her, but then that just didn’t translate into “feelings” for him.  He says she would be the “perfect wife.”  “Loyal,” he said.  “There for you,” he said.

Well, that sounds more like a dog than a woman.  That sounds like your mother, not your wife.

He’d made a sexual connection with Melissa, and appreciated her incredible qualities, but he hadn’t made an emotional connection.

Somehow, he started to feel that Molly was easier for him to be with.  He took his energy from Melissa and gave it to Molly – so that when he finally saw Molly, 6 weeks later, she felt right to him still, and 6 weeks later, after spending 3 weekends together, he still feels right with her.

This is what Jason said to the Seattle Times right after the last show was aired:

Jason: Melissa is that person I thought going into it I would end up with. I guess in a way she’s similar to a lot of other girls I’ve dated in my life, which is part of the reason why I ended up picking her. It was just something I was so used to and something I always thought I wanted when realistically, there’s probably a reason why my past relationships haven’t worked out. What I really needed was somebody different and it was Molly.

He’s saying that for the first time in his life, he was able to see his toxic relationship pattern in action, and for the first time, he had the opportunity to shift that 180 degrees by switching to Molly.

He was Circular Dating on The Bachelor, and although he picked what he would have picked on the first night, he had enough time to do the complete opposite at the last second.

Let’s see if it works for him.  I’m personally pulling for him, and for Molly especially. And I’m rooting for Melissa to do the exact same thing in her life – to Circular Date now that she has some fame and visibility, and do something different from what she’s been doing up to now that hasn’t been working for her.

I watched the way Jason absently stroked Molly’s arm with his hand while they were sitting talking with Chris Harrison.  He seemed relaxed.

I watched them eating together – they seemed easy and relaxed – and what’s MOST important – he seemed more masculine than I’ve ever seen him.

So – let’s see what another 6 months bring.

The take-away from this is three things:

1. Don’t get engaged to any man when there’s another girl in the picture…unless you’re on TV

2. Don’t pay attention to what other people might think – do what you feel is best for YOU. Mistakes are a huge and important part of life.  If you’re not making them, you’re not really living full out. Don’t be afraid to reverse course no matter what anyone thinks, and don’t let your embarrassment stop you from changing your mind or trying something new

3. Don’t give back jewelry.

Love, Rori