Have The Relationship You Want

Here’s a comment from “InLove”, who’s suffering at 20 with a problem most of us have experienced at some time or other, in response to my post about reviving sex…

“Hi, I just want to ask about a similar situation. I’m only 20. My boyfriend and I have been together for over a year and half and the last time we had sex was… probably a month ago. Both of us love each other, and we live together (and have done since about 9 months ago), well we have separate bedrooms and live with three other boys. We are moving into a flat on our own with two bedrooms (because I was unhappy sharing a bedroom completely) in a couple of months.

We are happy together most of the time, he is very affectionate lots of hugs, kisses, feeling my boobs and bum lots, talks to me lots through phone calls and texts. We have problems with two things.

The first is him needing space which we’ve mostly managed to sort and are well on the way to making fine, as he has now learned to actually tell me when he needs space and I appreciate that honesty because we do spend a lot of time together in his room - which he says should be solved next year when we have our own flat and a different rooms we can spend time together in, so if we need a little space we can go to a different room to surf the net (the bedroom) or to watch telly (the living room).

Just now it seems that I can sense when he wants space but he denies it, then eventually admits to it (tonight he said that he’d rather go on the walk alone as he wanted some space), and so encourage this honesty and give him his space. This helps me to know that the space is not needed because I did something wrong, that it is because he just needs space.

And now I can use this time to do some coursework and relax. Although this evenings walk irritates me slightly because I have spent the whole weekend with my mother as she was visiting only sleeping in his room at night (as she was in my room), and yesterday he went hillwalking all day with his friend. Hopefully he will let me know what caused this need for space at some point soon.

The other problem, is sex. Hence this post. Like I mentioned he’s very caring and does everything other than anything related to his penis. I used to try to entice him when we were lying in bed by playing with it and it would get hard (therefor he was aroused) but he would not want to do anything. I have now, after much deliberation decided to just try coping without sex until we can talk about this (it’s talking about it that’s difficult).

Any other time I’ve tried talking to him he will tell me he has a low libido and just does not need sex. And I’ve started not even encouraging it when he does get hard for fear of rejection. I also don’t like the thought that we can only have sex when HE wants to… what about my needs, and how can I get him to want to have sex with me. I please myself when I get too turned on.

But it makes me feel ugly when my boyfriend doesn’t want to have sex with me. Even after he gives me signs, and tells me, of how attracted he is to me (he loves it when I’m naked and hugs/passionately kisses me and fondles me. He makes me feel good that way).

There was one time he was playing video games and I was feeling frisky so offered a FREE blowjob (if there is such a thing)… and yet I was stilled turned down, even though all he was doing was playing games.

We can both be busy or tired when it comes to bed time, but all we really do is I lie on his bed and watch whatever is on the telly while he sits at his computer and “stumbles” on the internet… He will give me attention and I don’t feel totally neglected, except for in the intercourse department.

I don’t believe he is gay, and understand that sex isn’t everything. I just wish I understood why he only gets horny every now and then and it seems to be random. I used to have a high sex drive which has died a little, although I can turn myself on quite easily.

When we do have sex it is AMAZING! And that is the other part of the reason I want to have it more. I have tried putting on sexy lingerie and all sorts. But to me it just seems he’s more interested in videogames/movies/tv/books, than in actual sex.

I don’t want it to be an issue, but it’s the only thing stopping me seeing a life with him, because I don’t know if I can cope without sex. I don’t plan on breaking up with him over it.

I was just wondering if there is anything I can do to encourage sex, or even to have a conversation with him about my needs for sex. I’ve read of other females getting their men to have sex with them even when THEY don’t want it, and I feel my man should want to do this for me. Please help me find a way of asking for sex without sounding desperate or unappreciative or non-understanding of his low libido.

Sorry this is so long…InLove”

Here’s my answer:

InLove, I feel your pain- I’ve been in this situation before - and so have many women I know and have worked with - and you’re not going to want to hear this answer. If he doesn’t want to have sex with you at 20, living in the same house - it may never get better.

Either he’s gay or he’s not in love with you or he’s feeling pressure from you to deepen the relationship and to have sex and it’s turning him off, he may be afraid of getting you pregnant (though that doesn’t seem reasonable since he refused the blowjob) or he has physical or emotional problems or just an extremely low libido.  Here’s what you can do from my standpoint - and I’m going to ask my friend Todd Creager - who’s a man and an expert on sexuality in marriage - to weigh in here as well:

1. If he’s gay, that’s it.  Even HE might not know it, so if that’s the right answer here, you’ll suffer with this until he discovers it for himself.

2. If he’s not in love with you - you may have some effect on that if you make some changes (Tools for that are in my Modern Siren program) - just as you would for scenario number…

3. If it’s about the pressure, you can step WAY back.  You can see if that works (it will), and yet -

It’s not a permanent solution.

A man who so interlocks sex with his emotions has a certain kind of energy.  MatchMatrix.com calls this a “Mental-Emotional” energy around sex - and regardless of how you analyze it (some talk about how men “compartmentalize” around sex - and yours clearly doesn’t), that might be fine if you were the same way - but you’re not.

The more he doesn’t want sex, the more you DO.

We women try to CONNECT through sex - and so he picks that up, and because he’s afraid of or doesn’t want to deepen the connection, for whatever reason - he refuses sex.

This is going to be an issue your ENTIRE lives, should you decide to stay together. Whenever there’s conflict, or during the ups and downs of your relationship - sex will stop.

If you chase him for sex - as you’re doing now (if not actually, physically making the moves, you’re thinking about it and wanting it all the time) - is just making it worse for you.

4. On top of everything else, these days many men have lowered libido for reasons around stress and diet and pollution - but if that’s his problem now, it won’t get better - it will get worse.

This is very difficult and doesn’t feel good. Step way, way back.

Let’s see what Todd has to say.

I would not move in with him, if I were you - and if you do, please have a fall-back plan so you don’t feel stuck if things don’t get better.

Sorry for the cold-sounding answer - but I want YOU to get a bit cold around this.  I’d really like you to get out there and FLIRT - Circular Date just by talking with other men.

Sitting around and hoping a man will want to have sex with you at 20 is bad-feeling, and I don’t want you there.

Okay - This just in - Todd Creager answered my call and wrote me this to help you:

“Rori- your advice is not cold; it is realistic. As you do, I feel for this young woman because she so much wants the relationship to work. However, patterns do not usually change that easily.

One other possible factor besides the ones that you diligently outlined is the following; I have often found that men who resist sex in a committed relationship have had a very overbearing or needy mother. The male child unconsciously views women as needy or smothering.

The male deals with this by unconsciously creating distance so that he can still “feel his own skin” and not be taken over by the “dangerous” female. This is his projection. The female is not necessarily doing anything wrong.

I see the young woman here having two choices. Let him go and move on or insist that he get some good therapy. If she takes the second option, she should observe his behavior.

If nothing changes several months into his therapy, she should strongly consider option 1. I hope this answer along with yours can help her. Todd Creager”

Todd is amazing, if any of you would like to talk with him, he’s at www.ToddCreager.com

I’m going to take this bit of insight about why a man avoids sex and go deeper into it (and why Strong Surrender and Modern Siren will help you catch the red flags of a man with this problem, and perhaps even undo some of the damage). I’ll get some help from Todd along the way - this is his specialty.

“InLove” - Use all my Tools to help you LeanBack, step-back - and rather than thinking about giving HIM “space” - take some for YOURSELF. Fill up your schedule with activities you adore doing, that make you feel good - and let HIM fit himself into YOUR schedule.

Love, Rori

Okay - what drama.  What a shambles.  High energy Reality TV, a mess very much like what happens everyday with people  - men and women who get engaged to one sister or brother in a family and then want to marry the other, who move through life like they’re in high school.

People who don’t know what they want and who can’t find their feelings.

Jason finally found his - maybe.

If you don’t know what happened, this season’s The Bachelor picked Melissa for the win, for the wife - put a ring on her finger and declared his undying love and devotion.  6 weeks later, after some time together in real life (though not that much - this is show-biz, remember, and they had to keep it a secret), he lost his feelings for her, the communication and passion died, and - he says - she knew it wasn’t working as well as he did.

As he lost his feelings for her, his memory of his feelings for Molly, the runner-up he’d dumped on the podium just before he proposed to Melissa grew.  Molly dialed up, Melissa dialed down.  He couldn’t get Molly out of his mind.

And so - according to Jason, he was forced to dump Melissa on TV in front of us all.

And then, they brought in Molly, who he instantly professed his feelings for and asked out.

At this moment in time, Jason and Molly are dating, and she plans to move to his city soon.

And Jason - and Molly with him - is getting pilloried.  He’s being attacked for being a jerk.

Well - I’m not attacking him.  What did he do?  He did what any man would do - he followed orders. He could easily have broken his contractual obligations and told Molly beforehand, worked out a deal, and then, later, called Molly.  But no - they did it on TV. It may have been real, it may have been fake, Melissa might have known what was going to happen, she might have known a bit of it but been surprised by others - she and Jason emailed each other before and after - and it’s hard to tell.

And the only thing I know for sure and have a strong opinion on is this - Melissa - you should have kept the ring.

When I saw Melissa take the ring off her finger and hand it to Jason, who took it - I was appalled.

Now I understood why Melissa says she’s always the dumpee, why this always happens to her, and why she can’t get a relationship.

I don’t know what happened between them.  Something dried up - perhaps it was Melissa, perhaps it was just not a real good match deep down.  Perhaps Jason’s urges from his own self overcame the good judgment he thought he’d displayed with Melissa.  Perhaps Molly is the right woman for him and he felt compelled to turn her away out of fear - who knows.

Now, Melissa says she’s in a great place, she doesn’t regret anything.

But I do  know that if a man dumps you, you keep the ring. You sell it and buy yourself something really, really nice - like a car or a wardrobe or part of a down-payment on a house, or you throw it in the river, or you sell it on Ebay as “Melissa’s Ring” and cash in and give the money to charity.  The ring wasn’t a promise.  The ring was a gift.  And it was hers.

The thing is - how can we expect anyone to get a bearings on anything emotional in a situation like the Bachelor?  How can anyone get past infatuation and a HOPE that the person is who they think she or he is, or who they HOPE she or he is?

Here’s my take - I think Jason was wrenched between what he was attracted to and…what he was attracted to.

His body went for both of them, but mostly for Melissa. And his mind went for Melissa, and his sense of comfort went with Melissa, and his hopes for a family group were with Melissa.  She was the “appropriate” one - and she was the one who was most his “type.” She was a “DeAnna” type physically.   She was the nicer one, the cuddlier one, the most comforting.  She was homey and sexy. A “great girl.”

And Molly has an “edge.”

Her voice is a little grating, and she’s witty and combative.

She didn’t seem “right” to him on some level - though he was attracted to her in a more emotional way than he knew.

So - we can disregard whether this is all real or not - and let’s just treat it as if it is.

Jason swears he was in love with Melissa when he proposed.  I think he was filled up with Melissa’s “greatness” and his physical attraction to her, but then that just didn’t translate into “feelings” for him.  He says she would be the “perfect wife.”  “Loyal,” he said.  “There for you,” he said.

Well, that sounds more like a dog than a woman.  That sounds like your mother, not your wife.

He’d made a sexual connection with Melissa, and appreciated her incredible qualities, but he hadn’t made an emotional connection.

Somehow, he started to feel that Molly was easier for him to be with.  He took his energy from Melissa and gave it to Molly - so that when he finally saw Molly, 6 weeks later, she felt right to him still, and 6 weeks later, after spending 3 weekends together, he still feels right with her.

This is what Jason said to the Seattle Times right after the last show was aired:

Jason: Melissa is that person I thought going into it I would end up with. I guess in a way she’s similar to a lot of other girls I’ve dated in my life, which is part of the reason why I ended up picking her. It was just something I was so used to and something I always thought I wanted when realistically, there’s probably a reason why my past relationships haven’t worked out. What I really needed was somebody different and it was Molly.

He’s saying that for the first time in his life, he was able to see his toxic relationship pattern in action, and for the first time, he had the opportunity to shift that 180 degrees by switching to Molly.

He was Circular Dating on The Bachelor, and although he picked what he would have picked on the first night, he had enough time to do the complete opposite at the last second.

Let’s see if it works for him.  I’m personally pulling for him, and for Molly especially. And I’m rooting for Melissa to do the exact same thing in her life - to Circular Date now that she has some fame and visibility, and do something different from what she’s been doing up to now that hasn’t been working for her.

I watched the way Jason absently stroked Molly’s arm with his hand while they were sitting talking with Chris Harrison.  He seemed relaxed.

I watched them eating together - they seemed easy and relaxed - and what’s MOST important - he seemed more masculine than I’ve ever seen him.

So - let’s see what another 6 months bring.

The take-away from this is three things:

1. Don’t get engaged to any man when there’s another girl in the picture…unless you’re on TV

2. Don’t pay attention to what other people might think - do what you feel is best for YOU. Mistakes are a huge and important part of life.  If you’re not making them, you’re not really living full out. Don’t be afraid to reverse course no matter what anyone thinks, and don’t let your embarrassment stop you from changing your mind or trying something new

3. Don’t give back jewelry.

Love, Rori