Self-Respect Or Protection – Which Is It?
There’s a conversation going on here in the comments, and it’s terrific, and I want to thank Daria for starting it, and Matt, for showing up here as such a smart, conscious, good man, and providing such a concrete balance to the perceptions we women develop about men our whole lives – I want to use this to go into this whole issue of “self-centeredness” and “focusing on yourself” and how a man sees all this (taking advantage here of having a man on board for the discussion). Here’s Daria’s comment-> and here’s Matt’s response->and here’s what I say:
Daria – your words – the “fuck you” attitude – is all rage and anger that comes from SOMEWHERE, and every time a man says or does or doesn’t say or doesn’t do something that makes you feel “less” – based on the needs you’ve developed your whole life from your experiences – it triggers you.
And this is what happens to ALL of us.
This would happen to Matt with a woman who triggered him in the unique way that he would become triggered.
Working on yourself has the marvelous outcome of making your triggering experiences less painful and reactionary, and more – well – funny, actually.
When I catch myself going somewhere and talking with someone (especially my husband) and suddenly, internally go to a perception that I’m not being “acknowledged” or “respected” or feeling “second class” in some way – I now can “get” – almost instantly – that my need for approval and to be “superior” and “appreciated” is being triggered.
I notice my body tense up, my face takes on a different feel, and I want to go into some version of defense mode. And I notice that that “defense” mode becomes centered on ME – but NOT in the way we want to focus on ourselves here. My stored up rage and fear has been activated, and whoever is with me at that moment becomes the SOURCE of bad feelings – even if he or she is NOT responsible for that.
What we’re doing here is learning to FEEL to GET – to TRUST – that WE are the Source of all this. And then we can feel for and have compassion for ourselves, and then that moves to a deep ability to feel for and have compassion for others, and then everything flows and all the barriers come down, we all open up…..yeah…
A person can trigger you and still be a fantastic person. That’s why the concept of “The Messenger.” The Messenger is anyone who brings you a message about yourself that can HELP you get a bead on how you operate inside, how you react to being triggered – and that can teach you how to SEPARATE out that “triggering” from your perception of that person.
In other words, a man can do something thoughtless that triggers you. Or he can simply have his own needs or personal rules and tell you something perfectly reasonable within his or her internal system, like not wanting to drive to you all the time. Or he can be triggered himself, and that affects the way he is with you.
There is a HUGE difference between not LIKING what a man does or says, and deciding that you do not wish to invest time and energy into being with him until you feel secure enough in his feelings and intentions for you (driving to him) – and being ANGRY with him for having his own ideas.
When you can separate out that anger from the simple truth of who that person is and the reality of what you’re dealing with – and learn to TALK about that with him – in the way we’re all working here – and in the way you did, Daria, in that fabulous Free Therapy date you had in the car – you’ll see that there is no “fuck you” about this. You see yourself becoming activated, and you process it through, and then you work at seeing the man in the light of WHAT IS – the reality of the situation, the basic simplicity of it – rather than through the lens of your triggered anger.
When I see exactly what’s happening to me, and I can catch it before I’ve shut down too much and gone into my particular “defense mode” – I can work through it – using all the Tools – and in a matter of seconds – the air between us is different. I see the person as the person, instead of seeing him or her as some extension of myself.
I feel my basic feeling – the “I’m not enough” feeling that surfaces whenever I get triggered in this particular way – and I think that’s what Daria is talking about, and what Matt is seeing as the end result in HIS eyes.
That’s what Matt is talking about here – what HE, a MAN sees. He can see your reaction as “self-centered” – and if he likes you, he may see that as a GOOD THING! Or, he can see your reaction as feeling hurt – a defense, a protection. And if he likes you, he may experience that as vulnerability and it may make him want to go deeper.
The only thing that’s for sure, here, is – the LESS LAYERS a man has to see through – the better. If we can just say – “I’m feeling a bit weird. My old stuff is coming up, and I can feel myself not want to put energy out here until I feel more secure…” Or “I’m just feeling exhausted and tired, and I just need to hang back here a bit to recharge…” Or something that is the TRUTH…we’ll move even faster toward what we want instead of being stuck in our old patterns.
What Matt is hearing here is your Riffing words as though you are actually saying them to the Man – but, you’re not. Matt – this is just part of Daria processing the way we’re working to process. AND – the next steps are the ones this post is about – separating out a man’s behavior and the reality of what’s going on and what you FEEL from HIM energy wise, and what you’re feeling because you’ve been Triggered.
When we make the man about what’s going on with ourselves when we’re triggered – the man becomes a kind of EXTENSION of ourselves.
And when a man becomes some kind of extension of ourselves, and then the energy of anger kicks in – we become self-centered in a very different way than we’re working toward here.
This self-centered way is the way of PROTECTION. This is shutting down your heart and going with the easiest feeling, instead of going down inside and finding the REAL feelings. And, Matt, if you knew Daria, and you really liked her – my guess is that you wouldn’t just stop seeing her for this. I believe you’d talk, she’d talk, and then in a matter of moments you’d be laughing over it.
You’d get CONNECTED over this triggering issue. You might even be mightily ATTRACTED to her for responding to her triggering with anger instead of with a typical “doormat” – “oh, okay, sure, whatever you want…” kind of thing – which is, by the way – the way we all STARTED HERE!
Instead of perceiving Daria’s mode of PROTECTION as “self-centeredness” – you’d BOTH get that there’s something going on here. Perhaps a power struggle, perhaps insecurity, perhaps an emotional shutting down from fear.
A woman cannot be truly compassionate until she is first compassionate with herself. And this HAS to be the FIRST STEP.
So – Daria – Riffing along – and moving from doormat to angry woman is a HUGE step UP, here. And know that it’s the ENERGY of it that’s so much better – it’s still simply the other side of the coin of the doormat – we flip from insecure and low self-esteem to “how dare you” and anger.
Just notice how this goes for you.
Anger is HUGE area of potential for you – this is where your treasure is. Follow it around in your life, in your body, in your heart, and go DEEPER. You are angry because of hurt, disappointment and fear – now go find THOSE feelings, and you’ll see all this stuff turn around.
I’m so proud of you, Daria, and thank you so much Matt, and let’s keep going deeper into this, it’s very helpful.
Love, Rori
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