Have The Relationship You Want

I’m not pretty enough. I’m not sexy enough. I’m not smart enough. I’m not (fill in the blank) enough. I’m not enough. Sound familiar?

You may have read some of Tinque’s comments here, and some of her articles that I’ve posted.  Her real name is Dominique, and she’s a former client of mine who’s just leapt light years in her own personal story to the point where she’s an absolute expert in a very specific area – self-esteem and feeling that you’re “enough.”

And what’s remarkable about her story is that what started everything going for her – from despair to the amazing place she’s in now (you have to read more and talk to her to understand that she’s gone farther with herself and her man than most of us can even imagine) – is that she discovered, very suddenly and rudely, that her man had been looking at porn their entire relationship.

Where some women, perhaps even most, would let this go if all other aspects of the relationship were wonderful (which they were) – it completely destroyed Dominique’s sense of herself.

It was as though her entire world crumbled, and every trauma and fear in her body came to the surface all at once and threatened to demolish her.  So, every time she writes something that I think will help you, too (and if this is your issue, I really recommend you go to her blog at www.tinque.blogspot.com) – I want to share it with you.  Here’s what tinque looks like now, and here’s her article:

I’m not pretty enough. I’m not sexy enough. I’m not smart enough. I’m not (fill in the blank) enough. I’m not enough. Sound familiar?

We all have at one time or another encountered this, more so those who as a child did not receive encouragement, support, or love. The voices can be loud, loud enough as to paralyze or certainly impede movement forward whether it be something as simple as a daily task or something as challenging as spiritual growth.

I’m here to tell you that the voices lie. They ALWAYS lie, and it is possible to quiet them. You CAN come to know and own that you are, have always been, and will always be enough, perfect just as you are. That’s not to say that there isn’t room to expand your horizons; there’s always a place for trying new things, blossoming bigger, learning to feel better, feel awesome even and most of the time.

How? It’s not so much in the doing though acting for yourself will play a role. It’s mostly about reprogramming destructive thought  patterns, rewiring neural connections so that you can transform yourself from a frightened being, for that is where all this not good enough stuff comes from, fear, to one of power and love. It’s also about your changing your feelings and opening your heart.

A good place to start is in the little things. It’s also being patient with yourself, and most importantly being gentle with yourself. Make a list of all the things you like about yourself even if only a little, from your physical attributes to your talents to your qualities as a human. Look at this list every day, more than once if necessary. Keep telling yourself that everything you wrote is true no matter how much that other lying part of you protests.

The more you say it, the more you will believe it.

Every time you pass a mirror, stop and give yourself a big smile. Focus only on the parts you do like if only a little. Ignore the rest for now, for truthfully others do not see you in bits anyway. What people see is you as a whole package, mind and spirit included.

Tell yourself you are beautiful, that you love yourself. You will come to believe yourself about this too. Make a list of all your wants. Write them as choices, as if they already are a reality, in feeling terms, eg. I choose to feel sexy, and I love feeling sexy, I choose to feel calm when my mother or whomever nags at me, and I love feeling calm. I choose to be well read, and I love to talk about what I’ve learned, and so on. If you can imagine it, you can create it.

Do at least one nice thing for yourself everyday, something that feels good, eg. a hot bubble bath with a glass of your favorite wine tubside or curling up with a good book or movie, whatever feels good to you. Be a devilishly bad girl, and have fun doing it.

If you ruffle a few feathers, so be it. It will feel so good being true to yourself rather than trying to please others, and you know what, you will find that others will respect you more, and they may very well feel more comfortable with you for being you, authentic. As long as you’re not physically harming anyone else, if it feels good then it’s good for you.

When the negative voices start to push their way in, gently push them away over and over again. In time they will give up,or at least fade to an almost indistinguishable whisper far in the background. Another parting suggestion is to feel whatever it is you feel, all of it, even if you perceive it as a bad feeling. That’s okay, for repressing or suppressing any feeling will only add to your feelings of not being enough, pain.

So allow all feelings to flow through you, for they will morph.

Observe them, feel them completely, and then let them go. Another feeling will arise. In time, little by little, baby step by baby step, you can and will feel better, about yourself, about life.
I’ve been there, fallen into the depths of the deepest abyss, in despair, full of “I’m just not enough in any way,” but there was a little glimmer of hope, so with this desire, a dash of determination, and a large dose of dedication, I healed.

I know now that I’m more than plenty, and I feel really, really good, loving, lovely, sensuous, goddess like. Sure I waver here and there and so may you, but know it will lessen to feeling like a ripple, not the tsunami it once was.

Sure it will feel scary, especially at first, but the fear does fade. It really, really does. You too can heal. You really, really can.

Note from me: Tinque’s blog is named Porn On His Computer, and I’ve convinced her to actually coach by phone around these issues – Porn and your man, and self-esteem. So,if these are your issues, go ahead and find her on her blog and call her, and let me know how she helps you.

I’m going to follow this up with some posts about the “I’m not enough for you, so it’s okay if you treat me badly” syndrome so many of us women have running our lives.

Love, Rori

This is a jump off from Ashley’s comment – here-> about how to date and handle sex and being a ‘Girlfriend.”

Ashley, here’s my take – when you’re young – say not yet within three to five years of wanting to have a child – though you really don’t want to fall into the “Girlfriend” trap – that’s the time when you have to figure out what to do about sex in that context.

Here’s where I think Erika can help you (see her comment here ->).  She has some very strong, interesting and powerful views about celibacy and how to do it even while you’re dating up a storm.

Talking with Erika here, and on her blog, also, might give you some things to think about.  She’s also totally, as you can see from her comment – into the organic, moment by moment being present way of working with relationships and men.

(Erika – I also would like to thank you for your fabulous comments and invite you to send me some longer posts about how to date while being celibate – with your permission I’ll incorporate them into guest posts…)

And on the other side of the coin – I also have “relationship expert” friends who live and prosper in the mode of polyamory – which means you have loving AND sexual relationships with more than one person at a time. Even in a “marriage” you may bring others into the family.  And if you are polyamourous and you like someone enough to “Date” them and become emotionally involved with them, you would also consider sex with them to be part of that – regardless of the “structure” of the “relationship.”  It all sounds pretty far fetched to most of us, and I’ve never tried it or can even get my head around it.

I sit somewhere in the middle.  I see sex as a powerful Tool to get closer to a man, closer to yourself, and yes – closer to God and the Universe.  I see sex as an animal joy and a spiritual miracle, and I am not one to promote celibacy (and I have a 20 year-old daughter and can still say that).

That said, most of us are not in full command of this power of sex, and instead get caught up by our hormones when we have sex with a man.

We are not like men when it comes to sex – and yet, men are capable of the full array of emotions that often cannot be fully expressed WITHOUT sex.

At some point, for a healthy masculine man, a relationship will die without sex.  It will simply not feed the greater growth of his emotions.

And for emotionally unhealthy men, the greater growth is more than he can handle.

My past is full of “serial” relationships and boyfriends, one after the other, all of whom I had sex with. Whatever drove me to jump in so fast (literally) – I know that sometimes I beat myself up over my poor choice because THEY liked ME so much more than I liked them, and most often I beat myself up because I loved them and they didn’t care all that much.

And now I don’t believe that sex had anything to do with it.  At that time in my life I needed closeness and affection and to be touched, and I got that for myself however I could, even if it meant deceiving myself.  And I believe that that was my “path.”  That was my “journey.” whatever happened, and whatever I did and didn’t do, whatever mistakes I made – they were a part of who I am now, and I choose to rejoice in who I am now – so – I MUST, then, logically – rejoice in who I WAS.

And I don’t see that having “sex” was necessarily a mistake.  What I see is how clearly I mixed sex up with love and affection, and how I took the “crumbs” of sex rather than actually looking for the whole enchilada.

And most important – I see that I almost DELIBERATELY took those crumbs because I was deeply AFRAID of the whole enchilada.  I had no idea what it looked like, felt like – or what it even meant. Sex had nothing to do with it.

I can remember nearly every experience I ever had with a man – sexual and non-sexual – and I can also see how each one was a DIFFERENT learning experience – though they all followed the same pattern.

I can look back and see the men I felt strongly for, and the men I TRIED to feel strongly for.  I remember how sex fit into the experience for me, how it intensified my feelings or dropped them into the garbage.

So – I want you to follow YOUR path.  Your journey.  And the only thing I want to say about sex is that, as powerful as it is – it cannot CHANGE anyone’s mind.  It can deepen love, and it can liberate the body and spirit, and it can feel cold and coarse and empty, too.  But it cannot change his mind.  It cannot bind him to you.

What it can do – through the way our female hormone’s work – is to bind US to a man.  It binds us in a physical way that feels like love, but often isn’t love at all.  And that’s the problem.

When we are bound, too soon, before we feel secure and happy, to a man on our hormonal level – we run the risk of talking the rest of ourselves into love, whether it’s there or not, or even good for us or not.

And then that can turn into self-deception that damages our entire sense of ourselves.

So – I say a rock-star free spirit woman who can stay in touch with her body, knows what her hormones tell her is not always the truth, and ALWAYS stays in love with HERSELF – can do ANYTHING.  Including having sex with as many men at one time or in serial relationships, or any way she wants to, as is humanly possible.

Find where YOU are on this journey.  Find what will serve YOU best.  Imagine what kind of woman YOU want to be.  Don’t let anyone put rules on you.

Stay in touch with how you feel about YOU – and you’ll be great.

Love, Rori

Sex and sexuality and sensuality – all together – is such a powerful topic, and we hardly ever discuss it. It’s SO easy to get comfortable in the “companionship” part of any relationship (not only in a marriage), and just let the “juice” fade out.

And “scheduled” sex feels like such a chore…we’re all overworked and tired, and it’s so easy to put sex way behind other things – eating dinner, a favorite TV show…we want to “settle in” – and as we get older and our hormones shift, the sexual “charge” isn’t enough to carry us into the bedroom, and we’re too physically tired to go with “on top of the kitchen table.”

What I see is that we are actually, each of us “turned on” at different moments during the day – but we let them pass, and put our sexual feelings off until “later” – to a more “appropriate” time. And then that time never comes.

If we could just allow those small moments to carry us into a general appreciation of our sexual feelings – whenever they show up, and almost always ACT on those feelings – even if we’re all by ourselves in the bathroom at work or at home in the shower…things will shift.

Here are some ways to do this in PUBLIC:

1. When you have a moment of feeling turned on (and I’d like you to focus on keeping yourself Turned On ALL the time…truly…) – instead of just stuffing it down for later because it’s “not an appropriate time,” take a moment – even just one moment to really, really EXPERIENCE the feeling in your body.

If the Turned On feeling is local, just in your vagina or breasts…see if you can let it flow through your whole body.

Consciously lower your shoulders, open your mouth, and see if you can allow your body to feel FLOODED with the warmth of the Turn On.

See if it makes you smile for a moment (and maybe even blush).

2. If – when you do this – a particular man shows up in your imagination, and thinking of that man makes you feel pain and longing instead of comfort and joy – add in MORE MEN!

That’s right, imagine there are more men around you – all handsome, sexy, naked or in full 3-piece suits or even scuba gear or knight-in-shining armor costume, perhaps even famous and celebrated and powerful in the world, and imagine their FULL ATTENTION is ON YOU.

Even if you’re standing in an office full of people, try this. Just let the room be filled with imaginary, beautiful men who WANT YOU.

If it makes you smile to even think of doing this – great.

3. If you can, get someplace private and touch yourself. Touch your face, your breasts, your vagina – just make contact that FEELS GOOD.

You don’t have to follow through to orgasm – that’s not the point (though it will raise your estrogen and oxytocin hormones if you do – and make you feel better all day long). Just be sure to get to where you can feel your body relax, get warm and turned on, and you can FEEL the experience and how it SLOWS YOU DOWN.

Consider this a MEDITATION.

Let me know what happens for you with this…

Love, Rori

Okay – we’re going to start talking about sex, and how to bring it back in a relationship or marriage that’s been going without.

I’m jumping off a comment by Reshi – who’s been in a nearly sexless marriage for a long time.  She says “…He sleeps in the guest room, won’t have sex with me, won’t kiss me unless I ask him to –and I don’t want to be asking him to –yet he will hug me and randomly pet my head on quite a frequent basis…”

Okay – it doesn’t get too much more awful than this. You can read Reshi’s whole comment and story here…

Reshi – we’re going to work to get this back for you – I can’t promise, but I’ve seen it happen more than 50% of the time…I was very close to that space myself, with sex happening infrequently, but still there, and I turned it around completely…

To begin, here are some big possible scenarios for going consistently weeks, months, or years without sex, but still “getting along” with your man:

1. He’s gay.  This is not as far-out as you’d think.  Sexuality is not an either-or thing.  It’s not just -  either gay or straight.  Kinsey did research on this (a lot of it personal, if you saw the film “Kinsey” – and don’t take this as a recommendation, it’s a very disturbing film, at least it was for me…)

Both Kinsey and Klein created “scales” and Klein uses a “grid.”  Let’s use the Klein Grid, because it’s much more detailed – and let’s just talk about men, here, because we women are much more fluid in our sexual and romantic feelings, and much less resistant, both inside ourselves and even in today’s culture to throw out our fantasies whatever they are.

In the Klein Grid -  men pretty much place THEMSELVES on the scale because of the way they SELF-IDENTIFY.  In other words, men answer questions about romantic feelings, and fantasies, and real-life desires and activities, and they put their answers on a “grid,” over different time periods, rating each question on a scale of 1-7 – with 1 being the most heterosexual, and 7 being the most homosexual response to the question.

This puts them on an overall scale somewhere between 1 and 7, and still leaves a lot of room for flexibility.

Hardly anyone is a 0 or a 7.  We all have fantasies.  We all are erotically attracted to many kinds of people.  And we all are emotionally attracted to all kinds of people.  We are all curious, we are all resisting our attractions to so many people, and all this can affect our level of desire to have sex at all from day to day.

Most people fall closer to the middle of the scale than you would think.  We just sort of tip one way or the other.  Your man may be closer to the middle than even he thinks, and it may be confusing him.

There’s no way you can “confront” him on this, but it’s sure worth an open-hearted discussion (after you’ve done some research and looked into your OWN flexible sexuality.)

2. His Testosterone and other hormones are low and he has little libido. It could be something that’s going on in his life – stress, depression – that is actually affecting him physically. if you don’t see him masturbating (perhaps looking at porn on his computer) – then this could be going on. 

The only way out of this is getting him to a doctor, and I always recommend Chinese medicine for hormones – in my experience it’s much more effective than Testosterone patches.  AND – the problem is – no man wants to be dragged to the doctor (not even your acupuncturist) by his woman.

It has to be his OWN idea.

3. Here’s the most common situation:  You’re both angry. And no one wants to be angry, so you’ve both shut down, in different ways.  The level of safety has broken down, so that even hormones can’t trump the other feelings.

You’ve just both gotten so used to “numbness” that even when “random horniness” shows up, it’s easy to extinguish the flame before you even get started.  It’s easy to suddenly let your mind turn to some resentment, or something that has to be done around the house, or with the kids, or it seems like so much effort to plan a sex “date” – or even a “dinner” date, because you feel unheard, unloved, uncared for, and unsafe.

And yes – he feels those things, too.

And…

4. He’s seeing another woman. Okay, this is awful.  And you may suspect it, and yet many women have been knocked for a loop when they discovered it.

This is a huge issue, and we’ll tackle it much later – but for now, know this:  If your man is still in the house, any other woman is irrelevant.  She doesn’t matter.  If your man can work things out with YOU, that’s his first choice.  If he’s not gone, it’s because he doesn’t want to be.

The question here, then, is…do you want to be with a man who’s lied to you.

Sometimes, a marriage can come back from this.  Sometimes even a relationship that’s not official through marriage.  Sometimes you can get over betrayal – and sometimes you can’t.

Fixing It: The trick is to keep moving forward, lifting up your self-esteem, exploring all your options, and then making decisions based on what feels GOOD.  You can bypass fear if you just follow what feels good.

Everything step-by-step

So – our next steps are to:

1. Get into your own sexuality and sensuality and pleasure, and at the same time…

2. Create a feeling of safety and authenticity in the relationship, so you can…

3. Get all this stuffed-down emotion – especially the hidden anger – out into the open (every one of the scenarios above can be TALKED through – believe it or not – with Feeling Messages and Power Speeches) and…

4. Slowly begin physically touching and flirting with him, as you…

5. Learn to tolerate the new feelings of deeper intimacy and connection and receiving

My Modern Siren program really lays all this out for you, and the steps to fix it (you can take a look at all my programs right here…), so if you’re working with the “Siren,” I’ll be able to answer your questions and respond to your comments more specifically – and point to the Tools in Siren that will help you.

Step one for now is to get into your own sexuality, sensuality and pleasure – your assignment – Self-Pleasuring.  (Heather in the Modern Siren really lays this out for you).  I mean dedicated time to physical, sexual, sensual self-pleasuring – every day.

Take this even further with a pole-dancing class, or getting massages if you can – but mostly I want you to walk around focused on your vagina. Yep, that’s right.  I want us to be aware every second if our vaginas and all the lovely tissues and folds of our femaleness are soft, relaxed, warm and open.

AND – I want you to turn yourself on.  All day.  Keep touching yourself, keep looking at yourself in mirrors lovingly, fantasize, really look into men’s eyes everywhere you go.  STAY turned on 24/7.  I want you to feel the buzzy vibe of arousal all the time.  Now relax your mouth, drop your lower lip, be aware of your shoulders and if they’re tense and high – love them, love the tension, love everything.

Now – let me know what happens.

Love, Rori