Have The Relationship You Want

Hi all – just wanted to add something general to the “relationship advice” conversation that extends it out into the relationship we here in this community have with one another.   And it’s this: I know that so many more of you would like to comment but aren’t sure about it -  and it can feel a bit scary to come out in public and speak your mind…and I SO want to encourage that. 

Feel absolutely free to MAKE UP a NAME!!

You can even do it more than once (you’ll land in moderation the first time with a new name, but I’ll find you and get you out…) Make up a childhood name…make up a name that’s a squeeky or “unpleasant” or “the stranger” part of you – or allow yourself to imagine yourself as the “siren” you truly are! – and make up a name for you that makes you FEEL that way. 

And just take on this persona (it really is a part of you that you want to get to know and to practice expressing) – and try it out. 

You can write out in word-processing what you want to say, and work on it if you want, like a Power and Feeling Speech you’d work on with a man…even (and especially) if you have something pointed to say that you don’t think will be “well-received” or isn’t in the perfect “Feeling Message” style

Even if it’s “judgmental” – not of anyone else here, specifically please – but of some belief you have about men or life – or you want to complain – just state it as the words coming from that part of yourself!

If what you have to say is in anger at someone else – or even at me! – for what I say or what I allow to be said rather than control or moderate – then let’s find a way to get that out. (If you want to communicate to me personally about something that’s bothering you on the blog, and I haven’t already found it in your comments - please address it to my assistant Melanie@CoachRori.com - she’ll forward it to me and I’ll get to you as fast as I can. You can also go through Melanie if you’d like to get on my list for teleclasses or anything else you’d like to know about my private practice (still keeping it small so I can write 99.9% of my time, but also keeping it active so I have real-life things to talk about and Tools to share that work for real women in real life).

So – let’s see if this experiment works for you if you need a push to get into the conversation – and for those of you who find it easier to communicate like this publiclyand already have the hang of doing it in Feeling Messages  – please bear with and be helpful as “newbies” give the hard stuff a try…

Remember – we are all about Circular Dating all the time -  which is about continually triggering yourself on purpose in order to grow and shift and get braver and have more boundaries and self-confidence.

So if anyone here seems more confident, or “louder” than you are – and is making you not sure about commenting and joining the conversation – this uncomfortable thing is actually – to me, anyway – a GIFT to you! 

Really! In a very anonymous way, you can learn to take in the feeling of anger and upset and disturbance by whoever is triggering that, and then speak the truth here. And we won’t know who you are!

A bonus here – is we get to see that the person and the thought and belief that’s triggering us is usually someone, some thought, some belief that’s STRUGGLING inside us!

A person who is not modest and comes on strong and disturbs us is triggering the part of ourselves that doesn’t feel worthy.  That doesn’t feel like WE deserve success. When actually – it’s kind of helpful to watch other people struggle so publicly and loudly with their desire for success, and the actions they take toward it – which actions, by the way – are not EASY for most of us. 

We’re all a mix of extroverted parts and introverted parts, parts that think we own the world and parts that think we deserve the dregs of the world. The question is – do we all want to be “somewhere in the middle”?  A ”nice balance” of extrovert and introvert, success and no success, love – but only “so much” love? Or is it okay to to be BIG!!!

How about we each find our OWN balance – the one that feels good to US – and let’s make it okay to travel up and down all over the map until we settle where we feel best? Experiment. Explore. Engage. Experience. Express. Expand. The 6E’s.

And here – this is the experimental ground. No one has to be perfect, or fully formed – or even PLEASANT here. The thing is to see what happens, what feels good – and TRY STUFF.  If you make friends in the process – you’ll know that the friend you’ve made has seen you as you are, and loves you as you are. And if you find yourself in a negative, complaining, judging space, you’ll get a chance to look inside and see if that’s all there is to you (I guarantee you, it’s not!).

If you’re getting the comments by email – one at a time – I know that’s going to be hard with such volume…let me know if any of you have ideas how to make it smoother, so the comments you don’t want to read or don’t resonate with can go by you without too much energy – sort of like life and men!

The truth is, taking actions toward success is so programmed into each of us as a NEGATIVE thing - we each need to experiment with a bit of what we might consider “rudeness” and “loudness” just to find out who we really are and what we really can accomplish.

If nothing else – this blog is a place for us to try out our wings.  I get to do it in my posts – you get to in your comments.

There are all kinds of places our wings can take us. And yet, being sucessful in ALL ways is something we’ve been all taught we can’t have.  Business success, fame, love – can we have it all?  Will (as I was taught from childhood) the other shoe “drop”?

Most of us are hiding our lights “under a bushel” – and it’s my job and my mission to help you let your light shine as brightly, and as far into the darkness of the world as it can (and who can even imagine how far that is?).

Okay – what if you get slammed by someone?  You won’t – if you state it this way…”I’m here anonymously – I’m trying out some riffing from a part of myself I’m not used to expressing and learning to love that part of me and process through my negative thoughts about someone or something else…”  and then close with – “I totally forgive myself for even thinking that I’m separate from myself or from love.”

If you need help, Daria’s comments might help you – she Riffs fearlessly…read some of her comments and see how far she’s willing to go!

Or look at Mercedes’ comments and see if you could dare to be so forthright! (Remember – you’re making up a name!)

It’s cathartic!  It’s self-empowering!

It’s all a magic act – believing we can soar and then jumping into the air.  Whatever I can do to give you a boost to try for a thrill – even in this tiny way of just writing out yor feelings, even if they’re not “nice…”

If it turns into a nasty mess – I’ll jump in and try to buoy it all up…but wouldn’t it be great if we could create here some of the “chaos” you find out in the world, and then learn to work through it in a powerful – FUN and HAPPY way?

Here’s to shaking it up!

Love, Rori

Circular Dating is the “laboratory section” of “Love 101.” It’s practicing “in the field.” It’s Research and Development.

If you can look at Circular Dating as gathering data instead of as trying to make something happen – you’ll move much faster, feel much better – and actually have fun!

Circular Dating is a mindset, a complete sort of “reframing” of the whole idea of “dating,” an attitude, with a very nuts-and-bolts way of working your life in public.

Here are some ways to think about how to USE men More…

Theme song for us for always by Alanis Morissette:

Read the lyrics first -

She starts:  “I promised myself …”

That I would be good
even if I did nothing
that I would be good
even if I got the thumbs down

That I would be good
if I got and stayed sick
That I would be good
even if I gained 10 pounds

That I would be fine
even if I went banckrupt
That I would be good
if I lost my hair and my youth

That I would be great
If I was no longer queen
That I would be grand
if I was not all knowing

That I would be loved
even when I numb myself
That I would be good
even when I am overwhelmed

That I would be loved
even when I was fuming
That I would be good
even if I was clingy

That I would be good
even if I lost sanity
That I would be good
whether with or without you

Here’s Alanis singing it:

If you sometimes feel like your man has all the Power in your relationship, and you feel almost desperate to get your strong sense of yourself back, I learned something very valuable (the hard way) this weekend that I know will help you, too.

If you’re at all like me, you value being “nice,” being “liked,” and being “well thought of.”

So, if you’re like me – being a “Drama Queen” is just out of the question.

Well, that’s all nice and good, wanting to be “mature” and “well spoken” and “thoughtful,” but for most of us, all that “carefulness” and “political correctness” gets us to the same place – pushing our men away!

How can that be?

How can we push a man away by being “nice” and “mature”?

Well, as I’ve known since the moment I turned my marriage around years ago, and as I teach my clients and write and create programs about for you, valuing “nice” and “mature” over AUTHENTIC can just kill a man’s love for you.

And it’s not because there’s something so wrong with “nice.”.

It’s because sometimes our “nice” is just not REAL.

Because we value being liked more than being Authentic, we can stuff down our feelings.

I still struggle with this – and as aware as I am about it, it still always surprises me when I choose the “high road” – choose to let something that’s bothering me go rather than speaking up about it.

These are the moments when my inner Drama Queen can actually HELP!

So – what does YOUR inner Drama Queen look like?

Is she so not welcome inside you that you’d do almost anything to not let her out?

Are you so afraid she’ll turn you into a raging Drama Queen out there in the world that you push her down and try to keep her covered up?

Well, the one thing I know is that if you don’t love your inner Drama Queen, and instead resist her as much as you can – that’s when you actually DO turn INTO a Drama Queen.

It’s as though the fight to keep her from taking over makes her squeak by you so you end up acting like a Drama Queen anyway.

Only – instead of YOU GUIDING her, so that her words come out THROUGH YOU, in Feeling Messages instead of attacks, and so her feelings inspire a man to HELP you instead of run from you – she comes out without your consent and without your control.

Your inner Drama Queen just jumps out and splatters all over everything. It’s those moments when we do or say something we wish we hadn’t.

And then you remember the moment when you first felt angry or upset and didn’t say anything about it when it happened – and you KNOW that if you’d just spoken out – authentically and truthfully in that moment, you wouldn’t have turned into a Drama Queen just now.

So – love your inner Drama Queen.

Loving her and embracing her will make it possible for you to avoid ACTING like a drama queen.

Let her speak to you.

Let her say what’s on her mind.

Let her into your heart, feel her feelings and use YOUR WORDS to say what’s going on inside you.

You can do this.

Your Drama Queen on the inside can make you calmer and easier on the outside.

Your Drama Queen on the inside can help you stand up for yourself and be stronger.

So – talk to her.

Ask her what her name is.

Ask her if she’ll help you be stronger, more direct, authentic, and VULNERABLE.

Try this Tool and see if you feel a little lighter, a little more in step with yourself – I know that I did.

In my Toxic Men program, I have a whole section on getting to know and embracing your inner “Stranger” – this will help you so much to stop attracting and being attracted to toxic and difficult men. You can take a look at it (and all my programs) on the “Rori’s Catalog” page here…For now, just listen to your inner Drama Queen instead of shutting her up, and see what she has to offer you – and let me know how she helps you.

Love, Rori