Have The Relationship You Want

I mess-up all the time. Sometimes it’s just not leaving enough time to do something, or faulty prioritizing, or forgetting something at the market. Sometimes I actually hurt someone’s feelings. Sometimes I’m oblivious to what’s going on, and sometimes I just put my foot in it.

So what’s the message when my foot’s in my mouth?

I think everything that shows up in our lives is either a mirror or a message, and there’s always a lesson, and there’s always a take-away.

Most of the time these days, I’ve noticed the message coming in loud and clear: Pay attention! Be aware! Look around! Be here now!

Unfortunately, once my foot is in my mouth, or I’m sprawled on the pavement, or my husband is staring at me as though I’ve just committed murder, it’s a little late to process the message. A little late to undo the error. Oh, for do-overs.

So what, exactly, is a mistake, and what is a fair price to pay for making one?

I’ve come to think of a mistake as thinking a little bit too hard about me.

Sometimes what’s a mistake to one person is a boon to another, and some mistakes turn out to be lucky intuition, like the artist of any medium who forges a new road from his soul by mistakenly taking the wrong turn.

I can think of every man in my life until my lovely husband as a mistake. I can think of every man in my life as some kind of lesson. As a stepping-stone, a passage. Or I can see that every man in my life was exactly right for me at any given moment, and all I needed to do was see his message.

The message might have been Alright. Thank you for attending. Now you can move on. Or it might have been, I’m not supposed to go any further, please proceed without me. Or This is a very nice place to be, so sorry you’re not ready yet. I must have come across many men I couldn’t have, not because they wouldn’t want me, but because they knew I didn’t want me.

How to tell the difference between the mistake, the mirror and the message?

The mirror shows you where you are, the mistake shows you where you’ve been, and the message invites you to go where you want to be. I listen to them all, but I look for messages. Sometimes I can’t see them or hear them or feel them, because I’m too absorbed in the mirror, or too despondent over the mistake.

The thing about messages is, in order to see them, you have to be still.

In order to hear them, you have to be quiet.

And in order to feel them, you have to be in your body.

Mistakes are a loss of attention. They throw us off the gameboard into the sand trap. They’re us trying to take charge of the brave and thoughtful horse we’re riding, the horse who really knows the way, and steering him off course into the woods because we thought we saw a turn back there we missed.

The fastest way out of a mistake is to fight. Going dead inside and numb and depressed gets us deeper into the quagmire. Fighting is recovering our self- esteem by topping accusing ourselves - How could I have done that? or denying responsibility - It wasn’t my fault! or taking on responsibility that isn’t ours - It was all my fault…or lying to others - I didn’t do that! or lying to ourselves - I don’t care!

Fighting is saying Oh….. and then going down into that Soup of yuck and dread and pain and misery, and guilt, and everything we feel, until we touch love.

Touching love feels like oh, I did that, and I feel love for that person, that thing, or myself, and I feel sad for the pain I caused them, or me, and I’m still a good person, and I still absolutely, completely, deeply and profoundly love and accept myself. Touching love is all of a sudden stopping the resistance of that knot in your belly, and just feeling what you feel.

It’s stopping smiling, blaming, counting, imagining, justifying, excusing, making up stuff, wishing, hoping, and everything else and just feeling the weight of not feeling good. For maybe a good solid moment. And then, getting back on the horse, and riding it out of the sand and onto the road. The moment you turn to the horse and say, I’ve made a mistake and I can still ride like the wind, time starts again, the weather starts again, and the message signs all around start blinking.

A Message is another chance to pay attention. Another chance to dance with what shows up. Another chance to enjoy the moment. Another chance to catch another Message. And the message always is: There will always be mistakes, and mirrors and messages, because our lives are always moving, and we will never learn everything there is to learn.

Sometimes the Mistake IS the Message.

Love, Rori

Okay…just got this from a member of my Customer Service team, Jolene,  who helps us all by sorting through all my emails before forwarding them to me…and it was like getting hit with a light bulb…

“Rori, Have you ever posed a question to your bloggers about why they don’t do Circular Dating and continue to try to analyze and wait around for a man? It just seems to me that the letters we get (like the ones you addressed in recent eletters) are from women who still don’t get it. Or maybe they know, but they just don’t want to do it. Why don’t they want to do it? Jolene”

And here’s the thing:

When we’re “into” a man…it’s SO HARD to do anything that feels the slightest bit different. We think we’re being disloyal. We feel guilty.

Because we’re AFRAID!!

We’re truly terrified of rocking the boat.

We’re afraid of making him mad.

We’re afraid that if WE flirt with other men to keep ourselves strong and diva-like, HE’LL start flirting with other women just to keep EVEN with us!

AND…I HAVE heard of things like this happening…but NOT for the reason you think!

Are we so afraid of displeasing a man who has not committed to us that we FREEZE ourselves?

Are we so afraid of facing, head-on and truthfully, what IS ACTUALLY going on in a relationship that is making US unhappy - that we just tolerate “whatever”?

That we just…WAIT?

Now..how does THAT image feel?

The problem happens when we start Circular Dating to “get back” at a man. or to play “games,” or to “play hard to get.”

Anything you do on the outside that’s FAKE, that’s meant to cause some sort of reaction in a man is playing with fire, and is working AGAINST YOU.

What you want to do is BECOME “hard to get.” For REAL.

That means, you have options, and YOU are in a position to CHOOSE him or….NOT!!

In other words…where does a man “get off” sewing up your time, energy and love…without life-long commitment? I mean…”Really!”

Yes, Circular Dating might make your man ANGRY.

The thing is…so WHAT??!! So WHAT if he gets angry?

Those of us who’ve lived our lives trying to get what we want and need with sugar and honey, and working to win people over and be liked, and those of us who’ve been actually abused, and so tried to “get along” in order to simply SURVIVE…are afraid of doing ANYTHING that might anger someone else.

We are always in a position of “explaining” ourselves. We are always concerned about “hurting” him (actually we’re concerned with angering him”).

We always think it’s up to US to “make the peace.”

And Circular Dating is sort of radical. It’s subversive to all that. It’s putting your OPTIONS ahead of someone else’s feelings. It’s not trying to get what you want by giving someone else what he wants.

It’s simply being forthright, open, vulnerable, truthful, and pro-active about what YOU want, and allowing everyone (and believe me there are TONS of great men who are despairing of ever finding a woman who actually has HER OWN RUDDER and follows her OWN DREAM) to want to connect to YOU.

It is becoming the object of desire rather than remaining the “chaser” of desire.

It’s a completely different way to live your life, in which loyalty and fidelity and exclusivity are EARNED by a man, rather than somehow “expected.” It’s flying in the face of convention and convenience and what we all did in high school. It’s being willing to live without a “boyfriend” because what you want is a ‘husband” and “family.”

So…no WONDER you’re not Circular Dating? Well - I’m here (we’re ALL here, in this wonderful community) to CHANGE that convention. To CHANGE that “expectation.” To END the “rules” of the “game” as they stand now. And to actually END the GAME.

There IS no game. Not anymore. There’s only you, what you want and need and deserve, and the men who “get that” and want to be with you.

There is no more time, energy and love left for any man who does not want you.

The days of settling for less love are over.

The days of calling being loved by a good man “settling” just because he doesn’t fit your “mental picture” of what you want in a man…are OVER.

Circular Dating is not a game. It’s not a strategy. It’s a therapeutic, pro-active Tool to get your Masculine energy engaged in the SERVICE of your Feminine self. It’s a Tool to get you out in the world so you can PRACTICE the Inner work of the Siren you truly are.

I’m your head cheerleader…so let’s get on with this. Get your toes wet in the ideas of Circular Dating, learn how to do it for REAL. (Not how you imagine I mean you to do it, or how you guess or piece together how I mean for you to do it…there are very subtle and important things about doing this right that make all the difference in how your “vibe” will shift for the good of your life, and doing it half-way or with the wrong mind-set will just keep you where you are and allow you to say “it didn’t work”…when it DOES WORK!!!)

Let me know how my Targeting Mr. Right program helps you.  If you don’t have it yet, take a look at the letter I’ve written around it on my catalog page over on the “sidebar’ here - just that letter alone will help you understand how Circular Dating actually works.

Let me know how I can best help you to move from focusing on one man to Circular Dating…and to get what you want!

Love, Rori