Have The Relationship You Want

Here’s a situation – a VERY common situation, where a man is consistently defensive and on the attack in order to feel okay with himself. The cure is in my Toxic Men program, and I’ll touch on it here.

It’s about unearthing the anger in you, in him, in the relationship – and getting it out in the open in a NON-DRAMATIC way – so that it can be healed – and USED to bring you closer to each other.

Otherwise, the anger goes underground and does so much damage there that things are seemingly beyond repair – but it IS repairable. The key is in YOU.

SOMEONE has to start a new kind of communication, a new kind of attitude and approach, a new way of expressing all kinds of feelings – both verbally and physically – that actually CREATE INTIMACY, instead of driving it away.

To do this – you need more strength on the inside – more trust in yourself to state clearer, more consistent Boundaries – and a willingness to be completely vulnerable on the outside.

You have to trust yourself that you will not just BE there, vulnerable and open, when things don’t feel good – when there is even “modest” defensiveness and verbal abuse (I was with a man for a long time who was master of verbal abuse and manipulation – he was funny and charming, and so everyone always laughed, and I stood there wondering what was wrong with me…).

You have to know how to always stay open, and yet always feel strong enough to walk away. At any moment. That’s Power….

Here are 2 symptoms that anger is underground and running things:

1. Judgment and Criticism - you always feel as though everything you do is being “watched’ and “scrutinized” and “judged.”

Every time you do anything, he’s ready with a roll of his eyes, a snide comment – about what you did, about what you didn’t do, about his own needs that somehow it’s your fault aren’t being met (like where things are). Sometimes it’s about simple choices you make – or how you look or what you’re wearing. Sometimes it’s loud, sometimes it’s muttered, sometimes it’s done with a joke (so it’s even harder for you to pin down). It’s constant and never-ending. You feel like a child being berated.

This is about a lot of things, but it can simply be the most “controlled” way a man can express his anger (often his anger at himself – it might have nothing to do with you). He judges you constantly because he’s such a harsh judge of himself. His guilt about his irritation and anger leaves him this “mild” way to express anger – telling you what you’re doing wrong.

(By the way – we do this too…)

2. Withdrawing

He’s drifting away emotionally, spending less time with you, there’s less sex, less affection.

Almost all my programs deal with this and how to stop it and bring him close again – and here – let’s just look at the hidden anger component: He’s angry, he doesn’t know how to deal with it, and so he withdraws. It’s easier.

When you talk with him and try to be “understanding” and get at what the problem is – he just feels angrier, and withdraws more.

The obvious expression of anger is arguments, fighting, verbal and physical attacks – but I don’t want to deal with that here because this is about HIDDEN anger – where all you’re experiencing is the tip of the iceberg, and you’re living in fear of that iceberg surfacing.

And here’s a small step to the solution: Unearth the anger iceberg by YOU changing YOUR reactions.

Now – this is not a lifestyle – you don’t want to be with a man who is constantly berating you or withdrawing from you where you have to be the one always “changing” – this is an experiment, a test, a learning experience – and the goal is to unearth the anger and learn to TOLERATE the experience of it.

Once you can get through surface stuff and into the rage that lies underneath – without all the arguing and fighting and nastiness that only uncovers a tiny part of the iceberg and actually DAMAGES a relationship – you’ll start to feel things loosen up and more affection, attention and love start to fill the space between you.

Instead of running away, or making an excuse for yourself or DEFENDING yourself – you want to:

1. Notice what’s going on with you.

Are you being run by fear? Do you want to run away? Do you want to hit him? Are you going numb? Are you determined to do whatever you have to to make peace and get his approval?

2. Speak the DEEPEST feeling you can find inside yourself.

That could be “I feel scared.” “I feel so angry.” “I feel turned off.”

When he questions you, just keep doing what you’re doing, saying your deepest feeling. If you have to put it in context, say “When I heard (you can repeat what he said here, or paraphrase it…just enough to let him know what you’re referring to…) – “I feel so tense…it felt awful…it feels scary..I felt like running…I feel like running…This doesn’t feel good to me…”

3. Stand your ground.

Don’t apologize for yourself, explain anything – and do not blame him, either.

Look him straight in the eye, as best you can. Lean back. You are not attacking, you are expressing.

What can you expect with doing it this way? All kinds of stuff will come up for you…

You’ll feel shaky, you’ll feel upset – and you’ll feel ANGRIER than you’ve ever felt! And what’s more…as YOU feel more comfortable with YOUR anger – so will he.

He’ll start to let you “have it.” He’ll start to let his anger out. And you have to be strong enough to hear anger and experience the ENERGY of anger – AS LONG AS IT’S NOT DIRECTED AT YOU!!

This means – the moment he turns it on YOU – you say “I’m happy to hear your feelings, even your anger, but I don’t want to feel attacked…” and if he doesn’t change his words and copy what you’re doing (expressing his feelings instead of blaming YOU)…then you must TURN AROUND AND WALK AWAY…!

When this happens, and emotions start to  surface,  I know it’s tough – but, actually – it’s fabulous!!! You are starting to communicate in a way that is triggering YOURSELF and your stuffed up and old feelings.

Now – all we have to do is get a routine down for how to handle your emotions when they bubble up…The more you tell him the truth, in feeling messages, the more you will feel that you don’t WANT to feel – otherwise you would have done this a long time ago.

Believe it or not – this is amazing PROGRESS. And – ALWAYS – the first emotion that shows up is ANGER.

Accept that you are enraged – and just keep processing it and sharing it. This is going to feel weird for a bit – so it’s really important you have a way to relax – to meditate – to regroup and ground yourself. Stuff you love that you can focus on and feel better quickly.

If he’s a man who NEEDS to put YOU down in order to feel okay – he won’t let up right away.  He’s going to up the ante, and keep at you to try to get a “rise” out of you so that you’ll go back to the old, crummy defense patterns you used to be stuck.

He may start to panic, and so he’ll do the only thing he knows – attacking you. You’re going to have to acknowledge how awful that feels right away – instead of stuffing down and answering him reasonably.

Later on – you’ll get a sense of humor about it – and he’ll stop doing this very soon…when you start feeling more powerful.

Defending yourself with anger or cleverness will not help you here – it will just make him work harder to top you.

As you express your anger simply, and let him know it doesn’t feel good, that you feel attacked, that you feel afraid of him and what he’ll say to you, and that it’s making you feel turned off…all this will change….You are only at the BEGINNING of this…be patient, take baby steps.

Love, Rori

You know I love movies – and my husband was away this week, and so I got to wallow in chick-flicks and tear-jerkers, and here’s one gem I picked up from Nights In Rodanthe (way too sad for my taste, but very good for tears) – I can’t remember the exact words our heroine said, so I’ll paraphrase with my own thoughts:

There’s a different kind of love, a kind of love where it makes you better than you are – not less. Where you open up to the possibilities – your possibilities.

What she was describing is a relationship that lasted in person only for a weekend, and then for many months by handwritten letter – and straight from the beginning – she and the man (Diane Lane and Richard Gere) open up to each other. They tell their stories, and they tell the truth.

They challenge each other to not fall back into their old patterns, and after the weekend, each becomes MORE. and Better.

He is less ego-centric. Less defensive of himself and open to feeling who other people actually are, their feelings. He becomes more human.

And she stops putting herself last. She rediscovers her strength, her art, and feels free to express herself instead of stuffing everything down in order to cope and be “good.”

So – how can this work for you?

1. Right from the get-go…the first moment you make contact with a man – turn your attention on how you feel about YOURSELF in his presence.

I don’t mean how excited you feel about him, or how drawn to him you feel, or what you think about him and his “potential.”

2. Get curious about HIM. I don’t mean pepper him withn questions like in an interview – just, in your mind and heart, listen to him the way you would to anyone you might meet who has a great story to tell.  Believe that there’s a great story he has to tell, and relax while it’s unfolding into your curiosity.

3. Stay LIGHT.  By this, I mean don’t let a man’s moods or emotions or challenges or dark moments or chronic darkness bring you into the dark.  Don’t go into the dark just to keep him company.  Just to make him feel better.

Always be looking for the fun, the light, the good, the good-feeling – and let it run through you and take you where you want to be.  Be an example to him of what a great life and what great love IS.  If, and when he asks for your voice from the light – from where you’re at – share it with him.  Don’t try to take him anywhere or push him anywhere or protect him.  Just shine your “Light” and be a beacon for him.

Even if he’s a man you’ve never met standing across the room from you at a party.

4. Believe in yourself, so that only a man who believes in you can get through to you. if you’re not feeling that way about yourself right now – meet yourself where you are.  Start from exactly where you are and how you feel about yourself – and aim for LOVE.  Aim for loving yourself so hard, and believing that you can do what you’re meant to do and want to do, and have what you want to have so profoundly that ONLY a man who can make your vison of yourself and your life even BRIGHTER and BIGGER get’s allowed private time with you.

Let me know how this works for you…let’s all get BIG.

Love, Rori

If you’ve become “exclusive” with a man before the ring is on your finger and the wedding date is set – how do you handle the ups and downs and insecurities and weirdnesses that come up – the very things that my Circular Dating tools are meant to help you avoid?

There’s a firm line between “dating” and “not dating.”  But Circular Dating embraces a much “grayer” area – and that’s how you “relate” to all men, everywhere, even though you’re technically “exclusive” with one man.

Here’s part of a comment from Jacqueline – and my answer to this part will help you turn that black-and-white way of looking at this into something much better-feeling and more helpful:

“Dear Rori,

…since we’ve been dating for 8 months and have had marriage, kids, etc on the table as well as our timelines (he told me his timeline for marriage and kids is 6 months later than mine). we have a great relationship…I see myself with him in the future. I love him and he loves me.

My question with exclusivity: I accepted his third request for exclusivity after our talk about it and my agreement of terms. However, after hearing your program, I feel like I should date other people.

I do, however, think this would be painful to him. He’s done everything to show me he is invested and loves me (meeting my family several times and me meeting his). I would think he would want to break up if I said I wanted to date other people…..since he’s been a great man to me.

What if when i say to him, “you can take all the time you need, I don’t want to put pressure on you or on the relationship…I’m just not willing to shut my options down right now” that he’ll say, “well I want to be with someone who will be true to me and us.” I want to know you have the ability to be faithful to me down the road. And this dating other people shows me you can’t be and that you might cheat on me in the future.

Then what? Thank you. J”

Here’s my answer:

You can Circular Date without actually DATING anyone – just flirting and letting men come up to you and talk with you and EXPERIENCING that your options are open. It’s having the solid confidence that if your man slipped up or got wishy-washy – you’d be able to go out and have fun with a new man at the drop of a hat. That vibe in you is all you need for now. This is what my Targeting Mr. Right program is all about.

So – without trying to give you all the nuts and bolts of the program, let’s just talk here about how this could work in your MIND.

1. Stop Guessing.

There’s a BIG thing I hear in your letter – and that’s you GUESSING.  You’re guessing “what he would say” if you were to give him the “No Boyfriend” speech so that he can understand it.

2. Define what YOU mean by “options open.”

I’m certain he would not expect that you would not TALK to another man.  Will you feel guilty talking to another man?  Flirting with him?  Letting him ask for your phone number or email address?  Giving you his business card?  Or does this feel natural to you under the circumstances?

Everywhere you go, and everything you do, there are men.  All sizes, shapes, colors, types…and men all the same.  You can either close yourself and your body down around them, or you can…

3. Keep YOURSELF open.

You can either radiate a “I’m not available in any way” vibe, or you can radiate a  “I’m not married- give it your best shot” vibe, or you can radiate a “I’m exclusively involved at the moment, and I plan to be married, yet I’m open to finding out who you are…” vibe.

There’s all kinds of ways to be in this world – and closed down is my least favorite.

There’s a big difference between having your vibe be completely open and available and actually GOING on a literal “date.”

And there’s a big difference between having coffee at a coffee shop with a man who just came up to you out-of-the-blue, sat down and started a conversation, and letting him pick you up and take you to dinner.

There’s a lot of gray area in there.

4. Embrace the gray area.

In your MIND – see what you can find in that gray area that would work for you.

A gray area you can actually put into words, that you could actually share with the man you’re exclusive with.  (so you can stop guessing.)

A gray area you can be comfortable with – so that you are always living the Rori Raye Mantra last line – Trust Your Boundaries, Follow Your Feelings, Choose Your Words, and most important here…

5. Be Surprised.

Your willingness to be surprised, and to be curious about the world around you and the people in it – including men – can be HUGE.  This is ALL Circular Dating.  It’s ALL accessing and using the “Diva” part of you that truly lives – 100% – IN the world and doesn’t shut down her sensuality and sexuality and feminine vibe under ANY circumstances.

It’s about how you can…

6. Be in a state of ROMANCE with the entire world.

I’ll write more and more about this – but for now…simply put on your “romance” glasses and see the world through them.  See everything as interesting and romantic, quaint and curious, fresh and inspiring…basically something you can love by just loving yourself in its presence.

Let me know if this jogs your thinking around this – and get out in the world and see if you can relate to men in this open way even though you are exclusively involved with one man.

Love, Rori

If you have my new program about Circular Dating  – “Targeting Mr. Right” – I want you to have extra support for staying with the nuts & bolts of the program.  If you’re finding yourself stuck in any one place, needing a push to keep going – post your comments here, and I’ll help as much as I can in my reply (or I’ll jump off into a new post to help you).

(Later, this will be a section of the blog you’ll need a password for, so I can make sure everyone who posts has the program and we’re all on the same page – but for now, I want to help you all I can.)

If you’d like to learn more about the Targeting Mr. Right program, or simply get extra advice and see the videos…go to my catalog page here->

Love, Rori