Have The Relationship You Want

Here’s a comment from Linda – (I just love dancing with my girl and boy energies – I used to struggle, and now I find it fun to make these choices to fall into “being” …and this comment is a great jumping off place…) – Linda says:

“I struggle with my “boy energy”. I have a man I want to show up on his door step… the results imaginary.  BUT…have come to the decision that I dont want a relationship that I have manipulated at all. I do want the one that he would initiate if that ever happens, that is what I want. For whatever reason, he is not able, willing, ready, or any combination of who knows what to be available for a relationship with me. That is too much thought into him and his stuff. Keeping my focus on me and what I feel is what I need to keep in from getting de-railed again. That is not productive energy.

If a man is not in front of you he is not real…. it sounds silly but it is true. It helps me when I get lost in thought wishing, hoping, dreaming… pining away for something that is not real only in my head.

Go back and read the post a few ago on the difference between girl and boy energy. It helped me discern what I was wrestling with. Doing, telling ,teaching directing is “boy” . For a take charge , keep things in order, and ducks in a row kinda woman that I am it is such a struggle to stop that and just “be”…

I hope it helps, please go read the post on the girl and boy energy. It was very helpful to me. If that man you were with wants to be your friend… in the words of Rori… Get your energy out of there…. it is hard but it can be done. Linda”

Thank you, Linda, for your lovely insights, and here’s my jump-off…

Linda, and all…I dance daily, sometimes hourly or minutely or even in bits of seconds, with my boy/girl energy.

It never stops, when you are a woman who likes being in charge and is good at it.

And that is me, just as it is with you and so many of us here.

What does happen, though, is you start to become more comfortable in girl energy, in being vulnerable, and you find throughout the day that you have many, many moments that are crossroads.  You have the choice to make — to go down the “take charge” route, or to give that up and go down the “feeling” route.

Once you start experiencing what happens when you’re just “being” – and it feels SO much better almost all of the time…your tension and stress just disappear in the experience – you just start letting go of the need to be in charge, and it just becomes easier to dance.  It becomes more fluid.  You fight yourself less.   You think about it less.

It’s like being in a bathtub or shower and deciding to enjoy the warm water instead of thinking about your day, or wondering how long the hot water will hold out.  Even that’s a skill you have to practice…and that’s what the Tools are for.

We skim the surface of life because that’s what we’re taught.

As you start to sink into the feelings – even the pain – instead of fighting them…you’ll see…it get’s easier to choose being over doing, and then…you have more energy for doing when it’s the choice you want to make!

Love, Rori

This is a guest post from Erin Ginkel – she sent me this out of the blue, and I thought it was so terrific, I wanted you to see it…I’ve since got in touch with her – and she really is terrific. She’s a life and relationship coach and you can find her here: www.alwayschallengeunhappiness.net -

Ever since I have started my amazing journey toward becoming a modern siren, I “hear” Rori’s teachings in pretty much everything I read, watch or listen to.

I recently watched a movie called “Take The Lead” with Antonio Banderas.This movie is based around a ballroom dance teacher (Mr. Dulaine) who takes it upon himself to start teaching ballroom dance (waltz, tango, foxtrot, etc.) to some inner city troubled teens. He is a very philosophical man and believes dance can be equated to life.

Several quotes in this movie were centered on the trust it takes to “dance” successfully with a partner. I have included a few examples below:

(Mr. Dulaine is trying to teach Rock and LaRhette to dance)
Mr. Dulaine: We are just going to move very simply.Let’s just walk.

(LaRhette takes a strong lead in the dancing and starts pushing Rock back on the floor–completely controlling the dance)Mr. Dulaine: No, no, no LaRhette, the man leads. It is the woman’s job to follow.

LaRhette: Oh, so if he gets to lead, then he’s gonna think he is boss?

Mr. Dulaine: No, but he is not.You see, the man proposes the step.It is the woman’s choice to accept by following. Now, to follow takes as much strength as to lead.
———

(Mr. Dulaine is teaching LaRhette and Rock how to dance the waltz.)
Mr Dulaine: The Waltz.It cannot be done without trust between partners.

LaRhette: Well, its not gonna happen.

Mr Dulaine: But trust must to be earned.

Rock: Good luck with that….

Mr Dulaine: Alright, I have something here that is going to help.
(Wraps his tie around her eyes so she cannot see)

LaRhette: Don’t put that thing on my eyes!

Mr Dulaine: I asking you to do something VERY courageous.

LaRhette: Besides dance with him?

(Talking to Rock about dancing with a blindfolded LaRhette)
Mr Dulaine: Now Rock, You have the opportunity to use every bit of strength and skill you possess–not to dominate her–but to take her on a journey.It is a lot to ask.
IF and HOW you take the journey–that’s entirely up to you.
———-

(Mr. Dulaine begins to dance with the school principal to illustrate a point to a group of disapproving parents.)
Mr. Dulaine: You see…if she allows me to lead, she is trusting me.But more than that, she is trusting herself.
———-

As I said, these quotes just seemed to jump right out of my television and into my heart. I love the piece about the man not being the “boss” just because he leads but instead it is us who make the choice to follow his lead. In the moment, it can often feel so very weak—to let him lead.It really IS a choice though. We forget that we could simply not dance at all. Technically, we make that choice to dance, to take his hand, to TRUST, from the moment when we very first commit to our men and every day after that.

I do believe choosing to follow does take as much strength as taking the lead.Rori’s “vulnerability equals strength” started repeating in my head as I watched this scene.It takes our courage because we have to actually trust ourselves—we have to LOVE ourselves.I know without a doubt that the ability to trust is DIRECTLY related to the love I have for myself.

We have to know that we are amazing and beautiful and fantastic and him leading doesn’t take anything away from that beauty.It actually adds to it.The fact that we choose to be vulnerable and let him “take us on a journey” makes him absolutely certain that we are the only girl in the room that he will ever want to dance with.

Erin
www.alwayschallengeunhappiness.net

When I was younger, I was a singer-songwriter.

I used to sing in coffee houses and at college events all around UCLA, and at “open mic” nights.  After that, I was lucky enough to become a professional and make a living in bands, singing groups and trying to break out on my own – like American Idol singers do before they get to “Idol.”

I’d forgotten all about it.  Until my brother showed up last month with an old, old tape he had of me singing the songs I’d written and accompanying myself on guitar.

I let it sit for a month.  Then, because I have no machine that can play reel-to-reel tapes, I took it to a studio to transfer it to CD, and here I am listening to it now.

I’m sort of lost in the old days, now. I went to the garage, where all my old music from my days as a wanna-be singer and as a church choir conductor is stored in a little suitcase – and I’m now surrounded by songs I handwrote out on special, copyable paper.

I remember now that I’d taught myself how to transpose keys of songs written by others for the “open mic” nites where there was a combo on the stage and no rehearsal.  I remember how I’d taken myself to those restaurants and bars and coffee houses, alone, and gotten up on stage.  I remember getting a “tryout” in the lounge at Sportman’s Lodge nearby in Studio City… Ohhhh…and now it’s rolling….more and more and more memories.

All the songs are about love. Loving some man.  And…losing childhood innocence.  I was all about pain, lonliness and…hope.

I’m feeling like I want to re-learn these songs and re-sing them and re-record them…to re-create. And…perhaps I will.  Or…

Perhaps I’ll write something new.

What about you?

What do you have in the back of your closet that’s either holding you back, or was so great you feel like you could never get that great experience again, or that you’re holding out in front of yourself like a carrot on a stick – to recreate?

All of a sudden I can think of so much in my life to DO OVER.

It’s like a brake on my spirit.  A drag on my engine.  Is going backward so much easier than going forward?  Was it really an easier time?  Were we more brave?

I don’t think so.

Perhaps we live so many different lives.  Perhaps we all have chapters in our lives, chapters that never end, and sort of lead into each other, and make up a grand story altogether – but aren’t meant to go BACK to.

So – I’ll write about memories when I get up off the floor with these…but for now, let’s both do this.

Bring yourself up to NOW. Pull your brain out of the paths of what’s past – from the lovely paths and the quiet paths, and the deserted paths, and the scary paths, and the mean and painful paths.  From all of them.

Look out a window, or step out the front door.

Breathe in the sunshine or the rain, or the mist – the blue or gray sky, the hot or cold air.  Take it in and stomp your foot on the ground. Out loud – Say NOW!!

See if you can come back into your body as it is now. go look at something and touch something that screams NOW to you.

Let me know how this mix of old and new works best for you, as you let old morph INTO new, as you let the early chapters fulfill themselves into the ones you’re living now.

Love, Rori

Every morning I get one of these “Notes From The Universe” from Tut.com and I look forward to them, I save them, I print them out, I put them on my wall.  Sometimes they make my day.  They always get me going, and sometimes they put such a quick positive, happy spin on things I can feel the lift in my energy.

This one came today:

“Oh yeah, regarding your ancient spiritual contracts, Rori, that outlined every facet of the life you now lead? Well, just wanted to remind you that they’re all re-written every dawn, and perpetually updated as each day unfolds.

Proving yet again that nothing is meant to be, that you are truly unlimited, and that anything can happen next, if you choose it. Whooohooooo!

The Universe

…In which case it should matter very little to you, Rori, that all the originals were accidentally shred this morning, right?  Cheers. “

There’s so much in this tiny piece that affected me – the joy and humor – but it was the idea of “shredding the originals” that got me.

What if you could erase all memory?

What if every single moment had no pictures of the past, no ideas and words from your past, no voices from your past – nothing but the present?

Nothing but THIS moment?

Try it.

Walk around, and every time you see something – a picture, an object, an image from your own brain – that brings you backward in time, imagine it not there. (I even experimented and took pictures off my walls, out of my office to see how that feels.)

There’s a wonderful, fresh feeling that happens in your heart and body when you see things as they are, right this moment, through your eyes, your heart, your body – instead of through the filter of long ago.

Let me know how this feels for you…

Love, Rori