Have The Relationship You Want

Hi, I’ve closed an older post for relationship questions because it’s hard for you to read with so many on the screen.  So here’s a new one!

Please know…if I don’t answer you right away…it likely slipped by me (if so, try again, please…), or I’m trying to put it together into an eletter or a post and forgot to let you know…

If you’re new to our community, your comment will go to “moderation” and won’t show up until I see it (which could take up to a day…sometimes two if I’m swamped) – and I so want to welcome you as I approve your comment.

I’m so grateful for the amazing insight, emotion, poetry and magic you are all sharing here, and wish I could reply to each and every comment and question — I  read everything you say, and will try to keep up with replying to this post as best I can…and if it’s important for you to get a personal reply from me…please keep letting me know.

Love, Rori

Hi – the older post for answering your questions is getting so huge it’s hard to get to them all…so here’s a fresh place for you to start asking new ones and helping each other.

So that everything we do here is helpful to you to having the relationship you want – when you share and help each other in the brilliant way you’re doing, keep doing it the way you are -  with feminine feeling messages and sharing and insights – instead of masculine “ideas,” “tips” and “advice.”  (I’ll take care of that “boy” voice.)

Try it like this…“If I were in this situation, this is how I imagine I would feel, and if I could step back, it would feel good if I tried this….” Or…

“I was in that situation, and I know how that felt, it felt…and this is what I tried that didn’t work, and this is what I tried that did work, and here’s what I learned…”

Please forgive me in advance for not being able to answer each of them – I’ll focus on the most general and the most specific, and jump off into posts as much as I can…

Love, Rori

Here’s my answer for Baby Blue Eyes – First – the question:

“Hi Rori, I have a question for you about the ‘Girlfriend Trap.’ I love the concept, but if a man officially asks a lady to be his ‘girlfriend,’ how does one decline – without putting him ‘off’?”

And here’s my answer:

Blue Eyes – If he asks you to be his “Girlfriend” – that’s your opoportunity to talk about what that means to him, and what it means to you.

If you’re very young, in college, and marriage is somewhere far off for you – being a “Girlfriend” is totally the way to go.  It’s great practice, you learn a lot, you get and give all kinds of love.

But if what you want NOW is a real, serious, lifelong relationship and marriage, then you have to ask.

You say: “Wow – that feels fantastic, and before I can accept, can we talk a bit about what that means?”

He’ll say something like – “What do you mean?”

You say: “Well, for me to give up my options and be exclusive with anyone “… (remember – you’re Circular Dating up to the moment he asks you for exclusivity, right?) …”I would only feel comfortable with that if I can feel secure that you’re thinking about me seriously…If you’re interested in marriage down the line, and I can feel comfortable that you know that’s what I’m thinking…”

Please – rewrite this speech in your OWN Feeling Messages, and use it as a way to get CLOSER to your man.  Intimacy means TALKING.

Perhaps, to him – a “Girlfriend” is for now – or he’s looking at YEARS while he figures out what he wants with you “down the line.”

And what you want is a man who wants you FOREVER – and “Girlfriend” is a very short-term step before “Fiance.”

Let me know what you think and FEEL about this…

Love, Rori

This is from Maria’s comment:

“My boyfriend and I for almost 2 years now are often more off than on. (On and Off) Of course I’ve done all the things should not do. However he told me he needed some space away from me. Has stopped calling me. I know we love each other, but how do I get him back. I want a committed relationship with him, he’s obviously not ready said he wants his freedom…”

Here’s my answer: Maria, First – thank you for joining this community and asking a great question…He’s asked for space. That means, to me, that you no longer are stuck in the “girlfriend trap” – and that you’re free to date.

That means you don’t need to tell him anything (in fact – I don’t want you contacting him for ANY REASON now, not after he’s expressly “asked you for space”)

And by “Date” – I mean, lunch, coffee, dinner, a movie, a concert, even making out. I do NOT suggest you have sex (not even more than kissing) with anyone until this “relationship” feels resolved. (We’ll keep talking…)

You are not dating to find a new man (although that might happen as a bonus!). You’re dating to get a stronger sense of yourself, to feel stronger inside, to get a fix on your own boundaries, and to have FUN.

You CANNOT help a relationship recover by being sad and miserable.

You can only help a relationship recover by recovering your own high spirits and sense of fun, your own devotion to YOU and to having a good life, good times, and good feelings.

This is not only the BEST way to attract a terrific man who can make you happy, it’s the best way to heal everyone and everything around you.

You feel good about YOU, you share that fun and good feeling with everyone just because it radiates out of you, and everyone feels better and feels COMPELLED to be around you.

Love, Rori